Yay, we found Fern! I didn't actually realize that at first, but then I saw she was on the list for snowball fights. I still worry about her though... Also, her relationship with Peeves is kind of cool. It's interesting to see Peeves actually care about someone, especially considering it was someone who yelled at him for something completely random.
James is an... interesting character. You can really tell that he's a bit of a softie, what with his whole buddy system thing, but he's also got quite a bit of an ego, since he's unwilling to go public with Lorcan (speaking of which, she's so often a male in fanfiction that it kind of surprised me a bit when she was with James :P ).
The requirements for Charlie's girlfriend was hilarious. Given he's the only Weasley that never settle down, it would make sense that the entire clan is trying to find him a girl that is absolutely perfect.
I don't really think you need to apologize for the amount of "academic" stuff you talk about in this. After all, they're at school, so academic stuff is kind of the centre of their lives. Naturally it has to be present in at least some part of the story to keep it realistic. :)
I love the DADA scene especially, because it really shows what a team Summer and Autumn are. It also kind of shows their character, in that Summer is the more offensive one, and Autumn is more defensive, which parallels their personalities. I'm trying to decide if Professor Bones's comment about Autumn having to be the offensive one is foreshadowing or not... :P
Aw, yay, Autumn and Louis! Except, of course, Louis is being a little chicken about it and acting like it was just to get other girls off his back. I really am excited to see how their relationship plays out. I think it's interesting that Louis is younger than Autumn here, because it's often seen the other way around, but the guy usually isn't younger than the girl. I like the change of pace though. :)
"That's a terrible name for your family mafia."
Once again, Autumn's sense of humour gets to me... I mean, who calls a family a gang? :D Also, PEASTERLY. That's kind of hilarious, and a nice change from Wotter and Peasley.
I love that Dom hints at Louis's interest in Autumn, but then drops it. Foreshadowing is my fave. :P
I know that the "running-into-the-other-person-thing" (I don't think that makes sense, oh well...) is possibly considered a cliche, but personally, I run into people all the time, so I wouldn't consider it to be cliche, considering it's actually quite common.
Overall, I love the sense of humour you have going on with this story, so feel free to re-request for the later chapters! :)
-ShadowRose (Taylor) Report Review
I'm back. :)
Oh dear, where'd Fern go? That's certainly not good. Stop ending these chapters on cliffies, GAH, because I have to wait until I finish writing the review to go on to the next chapter and figure out what on earth is going on. I'm just kidding, though, because I love cliff-hangers, and these are just dramatic enough to create interest, but not overly so either.
I love how you're managing to weave both interactions with the Potter/Weasley family and interactions with Autumn's own family into this. It's a really nice balance, and refreshing from stories that totally and completely center on just the Wotter (gosh I love that word...) family.
Another thing you manage to combine really excellently in this story is the main humour element and some very serious topics as well, like Bill and Fleur's divorce, the Seasons girls runaway father, and Emily and Newton's inability to have children.
I love how Professor Clearwater and Chang have kind of switched places since their Hogwarts days, because back then it would seem that Penelope would be the more structured one. But hey, that just shows how much people can change after their school days.
I love that Summer just strolled into the Ravenclaw common room. It kind of shows how similar she is to Autumn in that they both have that Ravenclaw trait in them, yet different at the same time, as seen in her inability to keep track of her shoes, and her little gambling problem.
That egg-thing that Autumn found in her closet was strange... I wonder if that has anything to do with where Fern is, considering she was inside of it? Oh well, I guess I'll find out soon enough. :)
This chapter flowed really well through the different scenes too. The one little thing I saw was the jump from the flashback at the start to Summer sitting in the common room. It felt a little bit jarring right there, although that could easily be fixed with a little sentence of transition or something of the sort. :)
I like that you included actual lessons in this, because I think the lessons are some of the most fascinating parts of Hogwarts (why yes, I am being very Hermione-esque right now), so it's fun to see other writers' takes on them. Turning a turtle into a pillow? What? Hahahah that has no real life application, but hey, it's Hogwarts. :P
"It's not because you're as slow as a fat kid on crutches that I have to be as well."
OH MY GOSH I actually laughed out loud at this line. It's so Summer, and completely unexpected.
"Stop looking like the receptionist of a funeral parlour."
Well, that's always a good way to cheer someone up. But I like this line because it shows that Summer and Autumn have the same odd sense of humour.
I have one little canon-ness comment. When you're talking about people asking if Fred had a tattoo of a hippogriff, I think Ginny said that Harry had the Hungarian Horntail, and Ron was the one who had a tattoo of a Pygmy Puff. I don't even know why I remember that...
Anyways, another really great chapter!
-ShadowRose (Taylor) Report Review
Sorry for the delay, but I'm finally here with your requested review!
First of all, the character names are BRILLIANT. By the time you got to their middle names, I was practically falling out of my chair laughing. I mean,
Autumn Jonquil? How unfortunate. :P
I like how even though the sisters are similar, you've already established their own individual personalities. Fern's the artist, Ivy wants to be a Healer, and so on. I also like that you managed to throw pieces of information like that into the story without stating it outright, but by mentioning little things as the chapter goes on.
I love how the Weasley/Potter family is so distributed across the four Houses, and also I think it's interesting that Bill and Fleur are divorced. I feel like the Ron/Hermione divorce scenario has been beat to a pulp, so it's refreshing to see it happen to a different couple. Wow, I totally didn't mean for that to sound like I support divorce, but, I mean, given the current divorce rate, it makes sense that one of the couples would divorce.
I like how there's already been quite a bit going on in this first chapter, instead of it simply being an introduction with no action. I still get the feeling that I've been properly introduced to all of the characters, but at the same time, I didn't have to wade through paragraph after paragraph of physical descriptions or anything like that. Instead, they came naturally.
This whole chapter flowed really well, even though it did manage to go through quite a few different scenes.
Another thing I LOVED was Roger and Noah. They're so funny, and it was an interesting way of throwing some slash into the mixture without it being a full-on slash story.
I also think it's cool that you brought Sophie's Muggle brother and physics into the mix. I love that they're trying to study the crossroads between science and magic, because that's something I've always wondered about.
Let's see, favourite lines:
"But as you've realised, sanity is a relative concept in our family."
An awesome transition into the next scene, and really funny too.
"It was only then that we were capable of having a full conversation, because we didn't have the option of leaving in a huff, slamming the door as we left.
Ivy has tried. Once."
Oh gosh, considering my friends and I were discussing how to exit a moving vehicle the other day, this line cracked me up too. :D
So far, this all seems pretty Hogwart-y (speaking of which, I like that word... I may start using it more in reviews) and I didn't find any glaring cliches yet.
Oh gosh, I feel like I'm supposed to wrap up a squee-ing review like this with at least some constructive criticism, but GAH, I can't find anything. Although I guess that's a good thing, now isn't it? :)
Awesome first chapter, and I'm looking forward to the next ones!
-ShadowRose (Taylor) Report Review
Hello, I'm here for the review swap!
I think you've got the perfect balance in Sirius's character. He's not the full-on playboy that he can be made out to be on occasion, but he's definitely got that love-em-and-leave-em vibe going on, in that he can't really find a girl that satisfies him. And then he meets Lydia, and falls for her because she said "no." I think that actually works really well, because, with James and Sirius being such similar characters, it makes a lot of sense that they're both drawn to women who initially reject them and see past their charm and good looks.
Poor Lydia. That's a lot to handle in one sitting. I do really like the way you handled that though. It was all a little rushed, which probably sounds like a bad thing, but I promise, it isn't. The speeding up of that section (maybe that was in my head, maybe it wasn't) actually helped convey Sirius's nervousness and his desire to get it all out in the open before Lydia had the chance to run away screaming. I also like that she didn't immediately embrace the idea of Sirius being a wizard, because, in reality, what normal person would be completely accepting of someone who waltzed in and proved everything you believed to be untrue?
I love that Sirius told Lydia he was a magician, along with the flashback that accompanied it. It seems like something that a wizard might use as a lie, because then it really does explain a lot of the weird things they can do (well, some of them at least).
The banter between Sirius and James is great too, because it definitely shows that they've grown up a little since their Hogwarts days, but at the same time, they're still the same crazy kids on the inside too.
On a completely random note, I love how you paired Sirius with a Muggle. I feel like that's really rare in fanfiction, but it seems plausible at the same time, given his appreciation for Muggle things, like his motorcycle, for example. :)
I like how you alternated between points-of-view in this story, but did so without having to expressly point it out. Instead, the changes came naturally and it flowed really well. Third-person omniscient can be a hard point-of-view to master, but you did an excellent job with it here.
As a little CC, isn't "revoir" supposed to be "reverie"?
A cliffhanger! I think I know what's going to happen, but at the same time, I really don't want to know. I guess I'll find out soon enough though!
Overall, this was a brilliant first chapter, and I love how you already got the plot going in the very beginning!
-ShadowRose (Taylor) Report Review
Hello! I listened to this story over on HPPC, and just had to come review it over here as well!
First of all, I absolutely adore your writing style. The description is so vivid that I really get the feeling that I'm actually immersed in the story, experiencing everything the characters experience and feeling everything that they feel.
"His crystal blue eyes still pierced her soul, his laugh made the soft fuzz on her arms stand on end, and his thin, wane smile still turned the corners of her mouth."
I love this line, because it really shows how much Molly loves Arthur, even through a simple description of his appearance.
Another really excellent part of this story is just how realistic it is. Although part of it is due to your descriptions, everything in this story feels like it could definitely be happening in real life, as if I'm watching everything play out around me.
Molly's character is definitely my favourite. She's very true to canon, in that she's so loving that it takes over as her dominant personality trait. Even better, you build on this as it turns into a flaw as well, as she almost refuses to let the boys take Arthur's wand from him, because she loves him to the point that she's unwilling to accept that Arthur's condition is permanent and fatal. Throughout the entire story, her love for him is so clear in everything that she does, and I think that really shows Molly as a deep yet simplistic character, and I love it.
I really like what you added in there with the nurse at St. Mungo's, talking about the disease. The fact that neurological tissue can't be touched by magic seems really believable, as magic and electricity don't mix, and the brain has similar electrical activities. That little detail added so much to the story, and really gave it some backing to why Arthur's condition was incurable, even by magic.
I don't know exactly what experience you've had with people with Alzheimer's, but I'd assume you've definitely had some, as you capture the disease perfectly. This story, purely for that fact, was heart-wrenching to read, because, having worked at a nursing home before, I definitely have seen Alzheimer's much like this, and it brings back memories of talking with both the patients, and seeing just how much it affected them. Your description of the beauty of those short moments where Arthur's memory is working again really shows the dual nature of the disease.
The ending was so sad, and really tied up the whole of the story. The brief moment of Arthur remembering supplies that sliver of hope, but still reminds the reader that the disease doesn't reverse itself, and that they're on a downward spiral, and Molly is really having to come to terms with that.
"The man she’d loved for years was still there, hiding beneath the hardened exterior of a malignant, invasive disease."
This is definitely my favourite line, as it really shows the nature of the disease, and how it really creates a divided feeling, in that Molly loves these short moments of memory, but the suffering caused by the disease is so painful as well.
This was a beautiful and realistic one-shot, and you did an excellent job handling a very tricky subject.
-ShadowRose (Taylor) Report Review
Tag! I've heard this on HPPC, naturally I had to come review it on the archives too, because your writing style is just too pretty to pass up. :)
Oh my gosh, this is one of the most heart-wrenching stories. Draco's sadness is so tangible, and there's a whole lot of emotion communicated in such a short span of time.
I do want to add, thanks to listening to this on Harry Potter Podcast, I totally hear Julia's voice while reading this.
I love how you utilized your given title, "Come with Me" throughout the story, as it really tied everything together. The way you alternate between Catherine telling Draco to "Come with me" and Draco hearing the same words within his own mind shows how fully Catherine has infiltrated his mind, to the point that he hears her in everything.
I also think you utilized your "single spell" extremely well. I think the parallel between the spell killing Catherine and what he plans to do work excellently, and it really shows how attached Draco was to Catherine.
The description in this is gorgeous. It's sparse (which it really has to be, given the length), but really rich too. For example:
"His insides cringe as the words echo in his head. He stares into the darkness, hoping for it to swallow him. He wants to drown in it, to bury deep under it."
This is so effective, and really kind of gives off that hopelessness that Draco is feeling.
"Flashes of his father's blows flicker in front of his eyes. He thinks he should have been used to pain by now."
I've always felt like Lucius would be an abusive father, and you manage to throw that in there very succinctly, and it really shows that Draco already knows suffering, and that this is just so much worse.
"She has always called out to him. She has always led him down the right path. She has always shown him the best for him, and today she is showing him a way out of his anguish and guilt."
Wow, Another really deep and impactful line. It shows how much of an influence she has had on him, and how it has really changed him for the better, but now he feels empty without it. It pairs perfectly with the "Come with me"s, because now the line becomes so much more literal as she actually wants him to join him.
Speaking of which, Catherine is so realistic, that at times I almost feel like she is in the room with Draco, personified as a ghost.
Your flashbacks are so excellently placed. I feel like flashbacks can easily end up making the story disjointed, but in your case, it actually adds to the flow of the story, which I absolutely love. In one-shots especially, flashbacks are so important in order to establish a backstory, since your word count is so constricted.
I really can't find anything to CC on. I thought it flowed nicely and really gave off some strong emotions.
Overall, I thought this was absolutely gorgeous and I loved being able to both listen to and read it! Keep up the good work!
-ShadowRose (Taylor)Author's Response: Hey! Thank you for this amazing review! Apologies for the delay in responding!
Aw, my writing style is pretty? thanks!
I am glad that you felt that the emotion was communicated well as that was my aim.
Haha Julia's voice is awesome.
I contemplated long and hard on how to incorporate "Come with me" and when it hit me I felt it was such a brilliant idea that I couldn't pass it up, so its great to know you liked it.
I always found Avada Kedavra to be a cruel curse and wanted to show its implications specifically and this provided me with the chance so I am pleased you liked how I did it!
OMG you've made my day by quoting me the descriptive parts. I love when people quote in reviews, thank you!
I am flattered that the hopelessness Draco felt came through my words. I always felt that Lucius would be an abusive father too so I included that small detail. It definitely makes it worse, yeah.
I had to express Catherine's influence on Draco's life in very few words in this one-shot so I tried my best, and it's great to see that you think I did it well with that sentence there. Also, I am glad you found it to go well with "come with me"s.
Catherine is realistic? That's the biggest compliment ever, thank you!
I was worried too that the flashbacks will disrupt the flow but I am so relieved to hear that you think they added to the story flow here. Indeed, they're important.
Thank you so much for all your lovely comments. I am pleased that you found it to flow nicely and liked the emotional intensity. I love podcasts too, they really bring a story to life!
Once again, a BIG THANK YOU!! Report Review
Hi! First of all, if this looks odd at all, it's part of a Gryffindor CR activity, and I don't normally R&R in this way.
This story is truly amazing. Nick's coward is shown in a rational way that shows him as valiant at a point, but now afraid as Nick looks at ax. His disposition is shown obviously in this writing and it adds majorly to it.
I thought it was cool that ax chop #s r as full words "two," not just "2." It adds by making ax chops long and official-sounding.
I thought calling ax boy both "boy" and "man" adds a additional part to story that turns it into not just about Nick's birth as a ghost.
Choosing of words also brought this story up an additional notch, as it was all straightforward to invision, but still allows for imagination at parts.
I didn't find anything to CC with this story... I thought it was absolutly fantastic!
P.S. : Fifth part of ABC's is majorly important normally.Author's Response: Hi Taylor!
We had the same task to do for Cranium, so luckily I understand why the review's like this (I don't know why I didn't think to review another Gryffie, so whoever got my review is going to be very confused!).
Ax boy...I like that - maybe I'll start using it alternately with executioner!
The contrasting elements of fear and bravery were one of the things I really wanted to communicate with this story, because Nick always seems so proud of being a Gryffindor but admits cowardice at the point of his death. Minor characters have always interested me as well, so it was great to write about him.
The executioner was one of those amazing characters who wrote himself, but I really loved the way he turned out.
Thanks for the review (and I'd just like to compliment you on your spelling!) ;) this really made my day!
Sian :) Report Review
Hi, I'm here with your requested review!
First of all, I'd like to say that I definitely think this is an improvement over the first version of this chapter. Not that the first was bad, but this one is a bit more descriptive and flows a bit better.
It was interesting to hear the voices in Adaila's head at the beginning of the chapter, because whoever it was that was saying that stuff to her obviously had a major impact on her. It'll be interesting to see how you continue to develop Adaila, as she seems kind of plain right now, but she has plenty of potential.
I like Andrew's character, as he seems like a pretty nice guy, but not to the point where he's Mr. Perfection either. One question I do have... why did Andrew react the way he did? I feel like, in most situations, Andrew should have freaked out more, given the fact that Adaila was two fingers away from tumbling off the Astronomy Tower. Or at least, I would have figured he would have gone to a teacher, or something other than just small talk.
Your description of the Hufflepuff common room was really neat. So few people actually talk about the CR there, so it's refreshing to see someone have their own take on it, since its the only common room that J.K. never really describes.
I feel like this chapter has a lot of potential - you just need to capitalize on it! Maybe go into detail more about their conversations? The story should seem as though the reader is walking with the characters, not just drifting in and out of the story.
Overall, I think you've got a really great start here, and it'll be interesting to see how this story develops with its new edits! :)
-ShadowRose (Taylor)Author's Response: Ah, the amout of hints in this chapter makes me want to give away everything so I can stop fangirling over my own ideas. There's a reason why he acted the why he did, there's hint in the next chapter about it, hopefully I can finsh it soon. Thank a lot for reveiwing! Report Review
Wow. I'm in awe. Your descriptions are amazing. Everything is so clear throughout, that I feel like I'm actually there in the scene. Your writing style is just so eloquent and amazing.
I like that Thanatos Nott has at least some human qualities to him, especially as seen in the flashback to when his son was younger. I just felt so much pain for him, even though he actually was the bad guy. But every villain has at least some goodness to them, and I like how you capitalized on that here.
Also, it was interesting to get into the mind of a Death Eater, especially him specifically. It seems as though he was probably raised with the ideals that a pureblood society was truly superior, and the mixing of Muggle blood was a sin of itself. He almost viewed himself as "good." I love how he calls himself a revolutionary, because when you think about it, that's what Voldemort and his followers were, although not necessarily the revolutionaries that produce positive change.
Also, Tonks. Wow. You did an excellent job in capturing her emotions, and all that anger that was built up as a result of the grief she felt. Everything she expressed was just so raw and open, that I couldn't help but sympathize with her.
This sentence - "Perhaps they shall simply execute us, a generation lost to the Dark Arts, rows of pureblood bodies lined up like fallen soldiers, corpses to be desecrated and disposed of like Plague victims, thrown in a dirty pit of the commons." - was just so powerful. I mean, wow.
There are a couple spots where you use American spellings of words like "behavior" instead of adding the "ou" which is seen in British spelling. It's not a big deal, but it's nice for the sake of geographical accuracy. :)
Overall, this was a completely brilliant portrayal of a Death Eater's inner thoughts. I can't wait to read the next chapters!
-ShadowRose (Taylor)Author's Response: Hello!
Wow, thank you so much for this really lovely review, it made my day! :) The compliments on the writing style really mean a lot to me.
I'm glad you liked Nott, and the multiple sides to his character. He's a terrible person, but not entirely without some redemption, and he's definitely conflicted even if he didn't admit it to himself. It's great to hear that you felt for him, despite him being a villain. :) You're certainly right, he does seen himself as doing the right thing, and a revolutionary in his own mind. Getting into Nott's head was really fun for me!
I'm glad you liked Tonks as well! Adding her was a last-minute idea in this story, but I thought she could represent the pain and anger so many people were feeling.
Ah, thank you for pointing out the Americanisms, I'm always so confused about those! :P I'll change them when I edit the story.
Thank you for this really thoughtful and kind review!!! :) Report Review
Here I am, with your final review of this set! :)
I love how Hermione's portrayed in this. She's just so... well, Hermione. She's stuck-up, a bit of a know-it-all, and refuses to break the rules (or in this case, the instructions). It's a really accurate portrayal of her Sorcerer's Stone character. Which makes canon-loving me very happy. :)
Snape's also an interesting character here. He's very true to Rowling's description of him, and I can clearly see him doing everything you have written. His behaviour really makes me wonder if he'd be any different if Morgan were a Slytherin. Nonetheless, I wonder if he knew what he was doing in giving Morgan a book that dangerous.
Speaking of which, I like the slight parallel between Morgan and Snape, in that both of them learned the Dark Arts at a young age, and now Morgan's his student and comes to him for information.
Also, speaking of parallels (I'm drawing all sorts of connections...), is Morgna by chance supposed to be similar to Morgan le Fay? I started thinking about that as when one of the twins called her Fay, but I can already see some similarities, in that both stir up some trouble.
Ah, Fred and George. I think they're fantastic, because they add a bit of comic relief to an otherwise serious story. They also bring out a different side of Morgan, one that's a little weaker. First, with the prank on the train, and now, she's worried she can't come up with an answer.
I also think it's hilarious that she keeps pranking them. I think it'll be hilarious to know what comes out of the twins attempting to scrape a painting.
Also, this line - "She impaled another tomato and idly hoped that the twins wouldn't die." - is brilliant. It's subtly comical, and wraps up the scene really nicely.
The descriptions throughout this chapter were great, and it was pretty easy to envision everything. One little thing I noticed is that Snape requested an essay by word count, and I think they typically do it by inches or rolls of parchment. That might just add a little more canonical accuracy, if you're aiming for that. :)
Another excellent chapter, and feel free to re-request for more when there's a slot available! :)
-ShadowRose (Taylor) Report Review
Hi there, I'm here with the second review of the three!
I think it's really interesting how you put Morgan into Gryffindor, considering what's going to happen in her future and all. I also think it's interesting that Morgan's parents were no longer considered candidates to join the Death Eaters after Morgan was sorted into Gryffindor, because it just shows how strongly the House system affects everyone. You actually have a lot of potential to make some strong social commentary on the Houses and the like, and I really hope you take advantage of it! :)
Now that I think about it, you've already started that at the end of this chapter. The ending, where you talk about how, if her Sorting had gone differently, this could have all been avoided, is extremely powerful. It'll be really interesting to see how you plan on developing the influence Gryffindor will have on her, because it seems as though it will most likely be negative.
One thing I realized as I was reading this is that your narration style is really interesting, given that the narrator already knows the future, and can add in these really poignant comments occasionally, reminding the reader that yes, this young 11-year-old will someday become an extremely evil witch.
I like the scene between Theo and Morgan a lot. Theo is very typical of a boy with his parentage, and it shows in his actions and the way he behaves. It's also fun to see Morgan take on that more child-like attitude again, because it creates this lovely contrast between her youth and the evil brewing inside of her.
That last phrase was extremely fun to use.
One thing that I noticed is that right at the end, the narrator says, "But we digress." That may have been an error, or it may have been intentional, but I really like how it sounds like multiple voices are telling the story. It's almost reminiscent of the Fates. Wow, random mythology reference there...
My one little tidbit of constructive criticism is this: I really wish Theo could have been described a little more. We don't really know what he looks like, which makes it harder for the reader to envision the scene. Of course, it's not impossible, but it just makes everything just a little bit sharper. :)
Overall, this is another great developing chapter, and it'll be interesting to see how you build on it!
-ShadowRose (Taylor) Report Review
I'm here with your requested review! (Yes finally, two weeks later...)
I specifically didn't review the first chapter, like you asked, but I do think it was a great introduction to the story and gives the reader a sense of what the story's going to be about.
The descriptive section at the beginning kind of continues that whole feeling, and Morgan's still characterized as this darker character. I also like how the scene with Fred and George mixes this up a little.
Speaking of that scene, it really brings out another side of Morgan, one that is childish and playful, as seen in her enthusiastic reaction to her ideas. It really shows her as being more human than she was portrayed in the beginning, because no little girl is truly completely cold - there's always some of that childlike wonder. I also think that's continued when Fred and George play that prank on her, and she runs and cries in the bathroom. Even though she's a independent person, she's still, to an extent, dependent on other people's approval, much like a normal little girl would be.
One thing that I feel needed explaining was the fact that Morgan did put on some sort of makeup, because I was a little confused as to why they were freaking out that she was blue at first, because I had no idea where it cam from. Even if you just added something like, "She had just the right supplies for it too, right inside her makeup bag." after the words "... she was struck with an idea." That's just my suggestion, though.
I also love that she pranked them back, because it ends up proving some of the character traits described in the first paragraph. She doesn't like being seen as weak, and certainly doesn't like losing.
FAVOURITE LINE: "The female species has more secrets than we ever knew, eh Fred?" It's just so typical of something the twins would say.
I'm actually really interested to see how this story develops, and get to know all of the characters. It has a lot of potential already, so it'll be great to see how it builds. :)
-ShadowRose (Taylor) Report Review
I'm back for the final review of the three!
Hearing Liam's banter with his dad was quite funny. In the last chapter, Liam didn't really seem all that interesting, mainly because he really didn't have much of a personality to him. In this chapter, however, you really develop him with his annoyance with his dad, and - if my intuition is correct - slight crush on Talia.
Speaking of Talia, this chapter deepens her characterization a lot too. Last chapter, she's shown as being really caring about Charlotte, but that kind of gets thrown to the side once Holden got thrown into the mix. She's a little bit too involved with him, although I suppose that's probably what you intended to happen.
The DADA class was one of my favourite classroom scenes ever. The fact that Teddy was blending in with the students was just genius, both on his part and yours. That was fantastic. Also, after class, Teddy's line to Talia was fantastic as well.
I also loved the water scene between Charlotte and Al. It really does show that he helps balance her out, and calm her down, as she tends to be less anxious when he's around. Plus, they're just too cute.
It was interesting to see the family dynamics between all of the cousins. One thing I didn't like about this scene however, was all of the Houses being in parentheses throughout. While I do agree that it's important to be in there so that the reader knows that, the used of parentheses kind of throws off the original purpose of the sentence. Maybe if you could fit it into the actual sentence, or put it all in the author's note at the top, it might be a little easier for the section to be understood.
Another excellent chapter. Feel free to re-request for the next three when there's a slot open, I'd love to keep reviewing for you! :)
-ShadowRose (Taylor)Author's Response: Oh no the final review :( Just kidding! I'm probably going to post in the thread again if something opens up!
I really loved writing this chapter and it's great to hear that you liked it! Developing the characters is really important to me so I really like that you picked up on it. Liam turns out not to just be the fun-loving best friend and Talia turns out to have a bit of a weakness when it comes to her boyfriend. Favorite classroom scenes ever?! I'm beaming. I really like writing Teddy and will probably do a bit of a prequel on him...sometime. He just seems like he would be a fantastic teacher to me. In some ways I think he'd be like his dad when he's teaching, but I also think that he's going to bring his own methods to the table.
I thought the story needed something light and fun so I threw in the water scene. It's good to know it was appreciated! A major part of the story is the way Al can calm her down and be exactly what she needs and I'm glad you're picking up on it.
I wrote this one so long ago that I'd totally forgotten I put the houses in parenthesis. Thank you so much for bringing it to my attention! I'm probably going to go back and fix that right now lol.
Thanks again and again and again!
I'd love it if you kept reviewing for me! I'll keep an eye on the topic!
And I'm back! :)
I forgot to mention on the last chapter, but I really like how you're using alphabet letters for each chapter title. It's really quite unique. Have fun with chapter 24 though, because I don't know what starts with X that would make all that much sense. :)
I like how the end of the flashback parallels with the start of the present day part. That's kind of what I was talking about in my last review about tying things together. And then you did it again with the sorting flashback too. So that's good. :)
Also, I love how you threw Albus's fear of being a Slytherin in there. It just ties in the epilogue, and I love when fanfics do that, because I'm totally a canon junkie. Speaking of that scene, I love how they both named the giant squid. That was adorable. Although I do still like the name Mr. Squiggles...
I loved the scene in the compartment when they're all talking, because they all just seem like such funny characters. It's hilarious that Al and Charlotte actually did meet the giant squid after all.
Also, Charlotte's panic attack was intense. The scene was really well written, as the tension just came out of nowhere, much like her anxiety did. It was also kind of interesting how quickly the girls both snapped out of it too, almost like it had become something they were both accustomed to. But then, later, it's revealed that Talia really isn't, and is worried.
The final scene with Al and Talia was really sweet, in a strange way. It was adorable to see how much Albus cares about Charlotte, in that he's so worried about it, and already has a full plan of action in front of him.
I like how you continue with Charlotte's characterization, in that she tries so hard to be normal, but sometimes her anxiety gets the best of her, like on the train, but then there are other times, like the feast, where she can be completely normal.
One thing I'd suggest is throwing in some slightly longer paragraphs, just to add some variety, so it's not all just single sentences. That also allows for more description, which is always a good thing to add. :)
Overall, another excellent chapter!
-ShadowRose (Taylor)Author's Response: And I'm back too!
Oh chapter 24... enough said.
Oh! Okay now I think I have more of a basis on how to fix the flashbacks, thanks! Ugh. I love how you mentioned that I kept it cannon because that was a serious concern of mine. I am totally a cannon junkie too. It's also why I had her notice Al at the train station, but not go up to him.
Yeah I researched panic attacks and it seems like sometimes they just come out of nowhere. I wanted it to be as realistic as possible even though I'm not an expert on the topic. Charlotte is accustomed to it because of when she was younger, but Talia was just acting like you mentioned. I really love writing Al, so I'm pleased that you think that he's adorable :)
Now that I've read more stories on the site and gotten a few tips about the longer paragraphs, I realize that I really need to work on it. It's part of the reason I haven't updated in a little while. I'm planning on writing longer paragraphs for chapters ten and on and then going back and editing these earlier chapters. Thanks for pointing it out though! You've kind of given me the push I needed to get that going.
Thanks for another really helpful/really touching review!
-Avis12 (Sam) Report Review
Hi there! I swear, I'm usually more timely when it comes to reviewing, but exams have kind of killed my R&R time.
Anyway, I really love how this story starts off, because it's clear that there's something a little odd about Charlotte, and I really wanted to know what it was, and why she felt so helpless.
Jumping straight from the first line to the last, I really loved how the chapter ended. The statement is extremely effective and really sums up the chapter, and shows how concerned Albus is about her. I love when chapters end like that, where it's not necessarily a cliffhanger, but it's also not just a simple cut-off ending either. :)
Now that I've addressed the beginning and the end, I guess I should probably focus on the middle section, shouldn't I? :)
There are a couple of flashbacks in here, which are really crucial to the story. For some reason, flashbacks are really difficult to place into a story without making it seem disjointed. One thing that I'd suggest, more so with the first flashback than the second, which already has this, is a sentence of so that connects the flashback to the present events, so that the reader doesn't feel like the whole story suddenly shifts.
Charlotte is definitely an interesting character. You can see how she is really trying to be normal, especially around Albus, but there's that nagging anxiety - it seems almost like an OCD, what with the four obsession - in the back of her mind. You definitely did a good job in building the tension as Albus was watching her in front of the door, and she was trying so hard not to tap the doorknob. It really made her situation seem so much more real. Looking back, I noticed that she tapped it earlier too. Gosh, I love when writers throw things like that in there, that don't seem significant upon the first reading, but do in the second or so on. Wow, that was quite a bit of a tangent. Oops.
I like Albus too, because he's both concerned for Charlotte and Granny, but he's really a funny kid too. I loved when he looked Granny up and down and the ensuing jokes, because I just thought it was perfect. He already seems like a good balance for Charlotte's personality... which I guess makes sense, given the title.
One more thing. I really love the repetition you've got going on with the "Four more years." It kind of instills a sense of desperation and shows the origin of Charlotte's obsession with the number, and it works really well.
There's a few grammatical things, but nothing major. One thing that really helps me personally is reading the story out loud. For some reason, people generally hear mistakes in that kind of stuff better than they can see them.
Overall, this is a really great story idea, and I'm intrigued to see where it goes next! :)
-ShadowRose (Taylor)Author's Response: Hi Taylor!
I am so glad I posted on your topic! You are such a helpful reviewer. I'm happy you mentioned how something just seems a little off about Charlotte in the beginning because I really wanted to make sure that it wasn't just blatantly stated at the start of the story that she has an anxiety disorder. I wanted it to just become apparent smoothly...does that even make sense? Mmmm I've done a lot of flashbacks in the story already and now I'm ready to go back and make sure they flow because of you! I'm pretty sure most of them don't right now. Oops.
I love how you caught that little detail with the doorknob! I like it a lot too when writers do that. Ah the title...that's one part of the story so far that I'm really proud of. Is that weird? haha. I'm so thankful for your review!!
And now I'm off to respond to the next one :) Report Review
Hi there! :) Let's just ignore the fact that this request is over two weeks late, shall we?
Okay, I have to say, I absolutely love the introduction portion. The way you switch between their thoughts, and the way you frame the story with these first paragraphs is just fantastic. It really establishes an aura around the rest of the story, which is really crucial here, because this first chapter is relatively straight-forward without it and it really sets the overall mood.
The rest of the plot, by comparison is a little less exciting, but that's to be expected, since there hasn't been much of any plot established yet, seeing as this is only the first chapter.
As far as flow, it seems a little disjointed at times, most specifically going between Dom and Cathy's conversations and their meetings with the boys, and the only thing I can suggest is just to add a little bit more just as a transition of just put actual dividers in between the sections so that it doesn't just jump. Other than those two specific instances, I think the rest fit together nicely.
As far as characterization goes, I think Cathy is a well-defined character. At the start of the flashback, Cathy is portrayed as level-headed and disciplined. I also love what you did with her family, because it really shows her loyalty and adds an extra dimension. But then, when she meets Aston, she loses that sense of clear-mindedness, and does some strange things, which I think is your point, considering this is based on an obsession.
Speaking of Aston, he's got this air around him that kind of mystifies me, although I think that was your intention. I'm kind of interested to see where you go with him in the rest of the story.
Finally, Dom. Personally, I think she's a little bland as a character, but that might also be because we don't see much of her, so there's not many chances for you to show different views of her character without making her lose a sense of personality. I do hope she does have at least a little character development as the novel progresses, however.
Finally, there were a couple spots where there were underlined periods. I'm thinking that's probably just from where I had made changes while beta'ing that just didn't get removed.
My favourite line was definitely when she tried to say iPod. It was so cute, and definitely showed that the Muggle world was one that was completely foreign to her.
I'm excited for the next chapter, to see where this goes! (I guess I technically get to see this before anyone else does... Beta perks. :] )
-ShadowRose (Taylor)Author's Response: Hahah Hi there!
Thankyou so much. You will get that once I'm done with my exams :(
This is just the start things are about to go cray.
But thankyou for this review.
Em Report Review
Hi there! I'm really awkward with greetings, but we'll just push past that for now and get into the actual review. :)
I'm totally guilty of judging a book by its cover, because I basically fell in love with your banner and summary, which led to me reading this first chapter here.
You have a really great start with this story. It's really quite unique, because it's got a very different take on the Teddy/Victoire situation. And there's a love triangle brewing. I can feel it. :)
Other than a few little itty-bitty things, like using "their" instead of "they're" and "I" instead of "me" (which really isn't much of anything, I just have gotten into the habit of noticing things like that from beta-reading...), this story's really well-written. It flows well, has good grammar, and the paragraphs are spaced out nicely.
I love all the characters you've built so far. I do agree, Mouse is quite lovely, and she's definitely going to be a fun character to watch throughout the cours of the novel. Also, Paisley is extremely entertaining, as well as Garrett and Simon. You've kind of got the basic stereotypes played out in each of them, but it's not so overdone as to seem fake. All of the characters seem like they could exist in real life (I've actually met some).
You've got a great start going, and I can't wait to see where you go with this story!
-ShadowRose (or Taylor, whichever you prefer)Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you so much. I haven't really noticed my mistakes, so I'll be sure to go back and edit soon :)
Thanks for liking my characters. I was a bit nervous to post the first chapter so thanks! Report Review
Wow, it's been a long time since I've reviewed this story! :)
I do like this chapter a lot, because I feel like it's just one of those chapters where a whole lot happens, but at the same time, it's not made into a huge deal either. Does that even make sense? Probably not, but oh well.
I really like the parallel you developed between Thalia and Sirius here, in that both end up standing up to their parents, even if Thalia's wasn't quite as dramatic as Sirius's, but I don't imagine it was actually meant that way either.
If I didn't like Thalia's mother before, I certainly don't now. She embodies all the traits of the arrogant purebloods, and just kind of gives off an air of superiority, which I'm sure was your intention. :)
THE KISS. Part of me was expecting something like that to happen, but you did an excellent job of placing it at a different spot than normal, because I did find myself surprised when it actually happened, thinking "Where did that come from?" Definitely a good thing. :)
I like how Pettigrew's shown as a nice kid here, because I truly believe he wouldn't have been friends with the Marauders if he wasn't. I like how you briefly threw in the backstory with his dad, because it kind of explains why Peter is the way that he is, all timid and scared.
Mrs. Potter is adorable, just like one of those mothers that always has cookies ready and it always happy. It creates a nice contrast between Thalia's mother and her.
I really do like the way that you describe George and Thalia's relationship, because she does seem to be interested in him, but in reading about her visit, the one word I come up with for their relationship is "nice." So it's not one of those crazy romances, but it's still cute nonetheless.
Although I'm still pulling for Thalia/Sirius.
Anyways, there really wasn't much here for me to critique on, because there wasn't much that I saw wrong with this chapter! The flow was great, the descriptions beautiful, etc., etc.
Overall, definitely still love reviewing this story! Feel free to re-request for future chapters! :)
-ShadowRoseAuthor's Response: Ah this review so long and brilliant, I'll do my best to address all the points in it :D
Haha it does make sense, as I guess it starts off vaguely normal and then interesting things happen! I'm glad that you liked the parrallels between the two, as I thought it would make sense that it would happen.
Yeah Thalia's mother's a tricky one, you will find out a lot more about her much later on. I think that's part of the reason why Thalia's exit was less extreme, as she still loves her, unlike Sirius and his parents.
I'm so glad that you liked the kiss! I was really worried it would be cliche having it at all ball and all of that, but I'm glad that you found it wasn't!
I've been a little mean to Pettigrew throughout this, so I felt that I needed that scene to make up for it. I also wanted to show why he was the quieter, and perhaps weaker one, as I do believe there was a reason.
I think 'nice' is the perfect word to describe those two, because though she does like him, there's that part of her which is unsure. I'm still pulling for those two too, and it pained me to make Thalia run away like that!
I'm so glad that you liked this chapter, and I will definitely be back to re-request! Thank you for this great review :D
-Kiana Report Review
Whelp, I must say that I saw Fred and Lia coming... Only because I've already read this once. But it did come as a surprise the first time. :)
I like James and Vanity (Jamity? Vanes?) together, for now at least. In this chapter, you still show them as the really cute and infatuated couple, and it certainly annoys Lia, which is also kind of funny too.
I love how the guys all find Lia entertaining when she's mad, because it kinda makes her seem like she doesn't quite fit in with the guys, and she's kinda a source of amusement, which is quite refreshing compared to the girls who instantly befriend the boys of the story despite their previous shyness.
I like how Scorp and Lia's friendship is progressing, and I love how Lia ends up playing a mediator of sorts between Scorp and Rose.
There were a couple more grammar things in here, but it's nothing major, and its doesn't have an effect on the story, but it's just something I've grown to notice after a while. :)
Fred. And. Lia. Kissed. I honestly love that scene, because it shows the difference between Lia's and Fred's personalities in their attitudes towards the whole situation, and Fred ends up awed by her non-attraction to him (if that's even a word...).
This chapter flows really well too, and has just the right amount of description to keep the reader engaged.
I know that someone said the story was moving slowly, but honestly, that's not necessarily a bad thing. You need a good deal of introductory fluff to get a feel for the characters before you can just into the crazy action. And personally, I think it's been pretty engaging so far anyway. :)
Reg likes History of Magic. Another thing that makes him so weird... and adorable. I feel like I talk about him every chapter... I'm not obsessed, I swear.
Overall, another great chapter, and feel free to re-request for later chapters whenever! :)
-ShadowRoseAuthor's Response: Hey =)
Thank you again,
I'm glad you like it, finally someone telling me I'm doing an okay job in getting the information i need to get out there out there ^^
Fred and Lias kiss is also one of my favourit scenes. It was really fun to write that =) and I'm glad it wasnt to obvious ^^
As i already said, I plan on editing soon. I swear. Then I'll go over the few grammar mistakes and all that, maybe try to get it flow better or whatnot. I'll do what needs to be done =)
I'll definitly re-request. I always love your reviews =)
T. Report Review
Hello, here I am again!
"I'm just saying, maybe the mandrakes just need a good old hug." And once again, the good ol' Reg we know and love has returned. :)
There are some more grammatical things in this chapter, like "Thisbelonged" in the second paragraph, which I'm assuming should have a space in the middle.
I like how Lia's opinion of Scorp did a gradual 180 as she talked to him, and eventually ends up thinking of him as an acquaintance, and eventually a friend.
As for James and Van, I think you have a good dynamic going between the two of them, because while it's definitely not a romance for the ages, you can see that they both at least have some feelings for the other, and it's just a cute little relationship.
I like how you use the conversation with Scorpius to kind of show what would have happened with James if he'd seen her fly, because even Scorp has the same initial reaction, and then ends up complimenting her.
I have one little CC on the flow here, because I feel like in between the time that the trio starts working on homework and ends is a little jolting. Even just a sentence that said something along the lines of "After, quite a few hours, Van looked up and said, ..." or something like that, so that the reader can see a clearer time frame, because then it's a little easier to relate to.
I do really like the description in this chapter, especially up in the Astronomy Tower when you're talking about the nighttime and things like that.
Also, references to Muggle literature. LOVE. Maybe that's my inner bookworm coming out (scratch that, it IS my inner bookworm coming out), but I always appreciate the references in stories.
I love how Fred's first reaction to Lia is asking about her sister, especially since I know what will happen between the two of them eventually. :)
One additional little comment I have is in the last scene, where Van and Lia are having "girl talk." Often it's good to break up dialogue by talking about their actions of expressions, just so that the reader can see what's going on more clearly and get into the conversation a little more. :)
This was another excellent chapter, and I still really like your writing style! :)
-ShadowRoseAuthor's Response: Once more, thanks so much.
This wasnt exactly my favourite chapter to write. As I went through it over and over and it still didnt turn out 100% what i wanted it to. Especially the girl talk scene, I wanted it in this chapter, but i just couldnt see it anymore xD because i worked over it so much.
I always planned on editing it later on, but I never got round to it till now. Well I'm planning on it soon, but i want to chatch up on my current chapters first.
T. Report Review
Well, after a horribly long delay, I'm finally here with your requested review! :)
First off, "His parents saved the world so that we could get drunk at school" is my favourite line of the entire chapter. I was quite literally laughing out loud at that one, because I kept picturing Harry defeating Voldemort, and then suddenly a bunch of kids coming out of nowhere crazy-drunk. I have a weird imagination, but whatever...
Normally I'd comment on the cliffhanger, but considering I've already read most of the later chapters, I kinda know what's coming next... Oh well, cliffhangers are cool anyway. :)
There are a few, I guess the word would be mechanical, issues that I noticed, like "The wind ruffled my locks that hang loose" I think the "hang" should be "hung" to keep with tense. Most of what I noticed was just little things like that, that aren't actually all that important to the chapter.
One thing I do like about this chapter is how well it flows. Even though the events do jump around, I really don't end up all that disoriented, because it transitions very smoothly.
I like that in this chapter, Reg is shown as more of the good friend type guy, and less of the confused jokester. Not that I don't love Reg that way, because I totally do, as has been explained by my previous reviews, but it is kinda cool to see him in a new light.
Ooh, Vanity and James... I wonder what will happen there? Of course, I can't really say that now, as I already know due to my reading ahead, but I think it's a cool story-point to add in, and I really like where you go with it in future chapters, and I really ought to stop talking about future stuff, because then I'll run out of stuff to say in future chapters.
My one little comment is that I feel like there was a little less description in this chapter than in previous ones, and I think there's a lot that you could expand on if you wanted to.
Also, I love the stand-off between Lia and James, because he's definitely in for a shock when he sees her fly for the first time. :)
Overall, really great chapter! On to the next one! :)
-ShadowRoseAuthor's Response: Hey =)
First again, thanks so much. I always love reading your reviews.
I was a little busy (and i admit, lazy) lately so sorry for replying so late, its not because I dont apprechiate your effort.
Well, I know chapter 4-6 are not my best, I started getting a little impatient with the progress as well, but it was hard to put things out there that i needed without rushing things.
I also wanted to show, why Reg and Lia are friends in the first place. After all he isnt just a confused tag along ^^ he really is a good friend and I wanted people to see that.
As for Vanity and James ... well it needed it to happen. Things don't always straight and this approach seemed more real to me than any other drama that could be so easily sorted out with just one talk, if you know what i mean =)
I'm planning to get ahead a chapters right now, but i also kind of have writers block, so its a little difficult. Well, I plan on editing then and I'll definitly go over the typos and slip ups then, so thanks for that =)
T. Report Review
There is pretty much zero excuse as to why this took so long. Oh well, I guess it's better late than never... :)
I like how, even in the first chapter, you've developed each of the characters quite a bit. Frank's the perceptive one, Bailey's the secretive one, and Alice... well, she's Alice, so she's quite complex as the main character. By the way, you did a great job of giving her a multidimensional characterization (wow, big English terms...) in just the first chapter.
In your review for me, you mentioned something about you not being able to make things flow, and to be honest, you're completely wrong. This felt very natural as the chapter moved along, and I never really felt like there were any jagged edges. It flowed very nicely. :)
The awkward conversation in the Healer's office was perfect, because I feel like in real life, pretty much everyone does that. I can't even count how many strange conversations I've initiated just to get out of an awkward silence.
I like how you haven't actually revealed anything about her disease yet (even though it is mentioned in the story summary), because it kind of builds up the tension, and allows the reader to see Alice as a person first and foremost, before we start thinking of her as a cancer patient. It really gives her so much more depth and will add so much to the story as it progresses.
There are a few little areas where you can add some British-isms, for example, "favorite" is spelled "favourite," and basically any other word like that has the "ou" instead of "o." It's not a majorly important part of the story, but it helps the story line up with the setting a little better.
I kind of got the feeling as I was reading the chapter that Alice might like Al, and it seems I was right! Points for Taylor. :)
I'm really excited to see how you weave both her cancer and her relationship with Al (hopefully? :] ) together throughout the novel. I always love when there's an added element, so that the story's not JUST a romance.
My one little CC is that I'd suggest giving the Healer a bit of a more formal attitude, especially when he's talking about the diagnosis and what not. From my experience, doctors at least try to develop some basic explanation for the problem rather than pushing it off. Although, if you plan on using that as an element in your story, go for it and ignore everything I just said. :)
You've got a really great start going here, and it was a pleasure to read!
-ShadowRoseAuthor's Response: Oh it's totally fine! There is pretty much zero excuse for me taking to long to reply to this! :P
Aw thanks! I'm glad their personalities shine through, I was definitely worrying about that a bit!
Really?! It felt so forced when I wrote it :S I guess I'm just to hard on myself... thanks though, that means a lot! :)
Yay, I'm glad you like the awkwardness :P It's always pretty awkward for me in a doctor's office too and I wanted this story to seem as realistic as possible :)
Okay, thanks! I'll look and see where I can change some of the words!
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing and your CC :) I'm going to go through and edit it a bit and hopefully get some inspiration for writing more! I'm glad you liked it :)
-Amanda Report Review
It's ShadowRose, with your requested review!
First of all, I'm so sorry that this took so long... Life just got crazy.
Wow, this story is very powerful. I was very much in touch with Draco's feelings throughout, because they are just so clearly expressed in the descriptions you use. He seems so accessible as a character, and all of his reactions and feelings seem realistic given the situation, and it's really clear that he's scarred by the war.
I got overly excited when I saw that this was a Les Miserables-based story, because I have an unhealthy obsession with the book/play/movie. I was just reading along going, "ooh, there's a parallel! and another! and another!" I like how you've portrayed Nymphadora as a Fantine-esque character here.
I like how you've used the tie in the trial to build up tension, as Draco's stuck in limbo. It's definitely more interesting than a definite call either way, and leaves the reader waiting to find out what comes next.
Draco's thoughts are brilliantly executed, and I really feel like I get inside of his head. What's even better, you do this while in third-person POV. While I absolutely adore third-person, some writers struggle with still being able to fully display their characters while writing in this tense. Clearly, you don't have a problem like that at all. :)
The flashback is great, and creates a nice build-up of tension for the next chapter. I especially liked hearing Narcissa try to force Draco to tell the Wizengamot of the promise, because it really ties that element of the plot into the previous trial.
The only CC I have, and I'm not even sure I can call it a CC because it's just a suggestion, and not all that necessary to the quality of the story, but more like a random comment on my part, is this: I wish the scene between Bellatrix and Nymphadora could have lasted a little longer. I think there's so much potential in that short scene alone, what with their familial relationship and distant connections, that I feel like there's so much more that could have gone into it. But, as I said, it's perfectly fine as is too. :)
Overall, this was an absolutely brilliant start to a promising novel, and I'm looking forward to seeing what else you have in store. :)
-ShadowRose Report Review
Oh my goodness, this was so adorable and cute and ... I need to take a breath and actually give a decent review instead of fangirling the whole thing through.
I love this type of pregnancy fic, where they're married and there's not all that teenage pregnancy angst "I'm-pregnant-at-Hogwarts-I've-spoken-to-the-father-once" and all that.
Rose and Scorpius were both adorable. Rose is a little stubborn, and then Scorpius is caring and a little joking, and they are just perfect complements for one another.
The story flowed really well, and put the biggest smile on my face. It's just so sweet, and you handle their shock really well in writing. You can really see how surprised Rose is with all this.
It flows really well too, and there weren't any glaring mistakes that I could find.
Overall, this was a great read, and quite possibly one of the most adorable things I've seen all day. You seriously restore my faith in the fluff genre.
Gosh, I'm fangirling again.
Great job with this!
-ShadowRoseAuthor's Response: Fluff is good! Fluff is the chocolate brownie of the fanfiction genre!
Personally, I'm not a fan of the "got pregnant in school I'll just take my pregnant belly to Potions" stories. I'm pretty sure any boarding school sends you home. Immediately.
I'm happy you liked the characters and the relationship! Thank you so much! Report Review
I saw this story a while ago and wanted to read it, and now I'm using Battleship as an excuse. :)
I love how you portray both Astoria and Draco in this. Draco, because you see that he's been a caring person all along, instead of only after the war. And Astoria, because even though she's been hurt so many times by her own father, she keeps coming back, like when she tried to help him escape, but then changed her mind. It really shows that she tried to connect with him.
Random fact: "Blown Away" just started playing on Pandora. How coincidental. :)
I love your descriptions in this. I can really picture everything that's going on, and all the emotion is just so... raw. It's so realistic and excellently done.
Also, I love how you had Astoria burn down the house, as the lyrics just said "there's not enough rain to wash the sins out," so instead of letting it rain, she burns the whole thing down.
Speaking of which, I love how you have the thunderstorms as a symbol throughout: at the beginning, when you're talking about Astoria's mother's death, and finally, at the end, when they've burnt the house down.
At first, I thought "lightening spit" was a mistake, but now I'm not so sure... It actually works really well in the story that way.
I was looking for something to CC on... I can't find anything.
This was beautiful and fits the song absolutely perfectly!
-ShadowRoseAuthor's Response: Hi Taylor!! This story is one of the first darker ones I've tried and am still pretty proud of it, so I'm extra happy you chose it to read!
I always use Draco and Astoria for me more... interesting stories that no one else would really fit in. Hahaah. I did love the idea of watching Astoria go through this, then getting into the Auror department for the purpose of bringing Mr. Greengrass down. I think I'll eventually write a longer story on these two, but not until Before They Fall and book two, Into the Darkness, are both complete.
Isn't Blown Away such an amazing song??? I'm so happy that it just came on pandora! I listened to it every second while writing this, haha.
Yes!!! That's exactly what I wanted with burning it down!!! The rains won't wash away it all, so instead she just burns down the damn house. Go Astoria!!
Hehhe I've had a couple people mention 'Lightening spit' and honestly, I can't remember if it was supposed to be that or split now. But I think I like spit better :P!
Aww thank you for all your sweet compliments ♥ I'm really happy you enjoyed this!
Also, I love your penname. I remember thinking that the first time I saw you on the forums, and always have forgotten to tell you, haha!
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