Hello - Finished reading this chapter. It's intriguing enough, but there are a few impediments - obviously not too catastrophic, otherwise I wouldn't have finished it :).
Firstly, Rose's diction seems a little stretched; I can't imagine her speaking like that, without any contractions or such... It may add some flavour to your story if you give her a very particular voice to speak in. I do understand she is fairly emotionless and cold, but the words seem a teensy bit uncomfortable coming out of her.
I really enjoyed the way Albus spoke. It was a very believable (and funny) piece! :)
Some of the descriptions seem a little muddled or confused as well, which might be sorted out if you just go back and read it all aloud to see if it sounds right coming out of your mouth.
Anyway - considering I'm still here and moving onto the next chapter, thank you for the good read :)Author's Response: Hello again spreaddapoo,
Thanks for reading on. Rose is currently a very cold person to the outer world so her speech it often emotionless and she doesn't actually talk that much, only when she has to, so it is bound to be a little uncomfortable. As the story progresses, Rose will change and I'll bear in mind to change her speech as well. Thanks for the criticism though.
Oh Albus, I'm glad you liked him as there will be pleanty more of him, especially at Quidditch practice.
Thanks for pointing that out, I will go back through it when I have the time and try to unmuddle it. Anyway, thanks for sticking with it and I hope you enjoy it more,
Irish Myth. Report Review
Hello! Hmm... what to make of this opening chapter... I guess I like that you explored a very tricky niche. It's hard to read something like this, keep an open mind and not feel too judgemental of Rose (which is even trickier, because she's the main character and hard to identify with).
I'm in a bit of a limbo between enjoying it but feeling a sense of trepidation whether it'll untangle itself alright. It feels like delving into this sort of subject matter can go either really well, or really badly; and once again, props to your courageous attempt at it.
Thanks for the read~ It was an interesting experience, if not an enjoyable one. :)Author's Response: Hello spreaddapoo,
Thanks for the review, it's good to hear criticisms as well sometimes. I know what Rose is doing isn't exactly what would be clasified as 'good behaviour' but in a way, she isn't just doing it for the money, she also wants girls to know what their boyfriends are really like before they fall too hard for them. So it's a kind of good reason, if only because it is not as selfish as doing is just for the money. Many people judge Rose for what she's doing so don't worry, you're not the only one! I just hope you will be able to identify with her more later on when you get to know her a little better.
I really, really hope with will untangle itself right, it would be lovely if you could stay with it and let me know... Only if you enjoy it of course. Thanks for the review and I hope you enjoy it more further into the story,
Irish Myth. Report Review
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