Hello again! I don't really have much to add from last chapter, as that one was really detailed already! I loved how you showed what happened, but also didn't at the same time--it gives an air of mystery to what really happened and what she thought happened. Her torment over her new condition breaks my heart, and her family's as well. This gives you the opportunity to really develop the bond with Dom and her father because he's basically in the same boat as her and can guide her. Very well done! :) xx
~MadiMalfoy Report Review
Here's your review as requested! :) I have just a few things for you to improve on, but don't be intimidated, I'm only trying to help your writing. :)
It seems to me that English is your second language or you are just a very young author, so your grammar, spelling, and punctuation could use some work. I suggest getting a beta to proofread and help out with these things so that readability and comprehension of the story is higher. I'm not saying it's bad at all, but you could definitely make some changes to improve it, but it's nothing too major that can't be easily fixed. :)
As for plot flow and characterization, I think some more background details and descriptions in the right places would help the flow of the story and set things up for later on. Because you are using two of your own characters, I think you have a great opportunity to delve deeper into them--really get into their psyche and character--you have the liberty to do so.
Well, that about covers it! Love the idea behind the story though--very unique! :) xx
~MadiMalfoy Report Review
Hey there, great one-shot! I like that you wanted to write about Alice and Frank Longbottom--they really don't get the credit nor the mentions they should, especially in the movies!
As far as plot goes, I don't think you have any parts missing or obvious plot holes that lessen the understanding of the piece for the reader. One thing I would have liked to see that you can add later would be the actual scene of how Alice and Frank were attacked by Bellatrix, just to get the whole effect, and to see how Neville was told about what happened to his parents, his reaction, etc. Other than that, I think you have all the bases covered plotwise!
The voice and characterization are a little bit more difficult for me, as I've never really thought about what Frank and Alice were actually like before they were tortured. However, I think your portrayal really captured the essence of their beings and how they would act in a crisis where there was the chance their son and friends and family would die, or themselves. I do like how you voiced it, like it was just Alice recalling memories that she can't quite understand anymore yet remembers vividly. The tension she felt towards Marlene McKinnon made it very clear that Alice would do anything for her son if it meant that he could live and grow up in a world without the darkness of Voldemort. The little detail that Lily Potter was the Longbottom's Secret Keeper made the connection between the two boys' fates and their parents closer, which I thought was an excellent idea! :)
Finally, the writing style was great! You don't have hardly any grammar mistakes, but that's just my AP Language & Composition brain hard-drive going a little crazy because of that class! No spelling errors or anything remotely dysfunctional in the writing whatsoever, so great job out of you on that one! :)
Overall, a finely written story, and I loved the topic! Great work! :) xx
~MadiMalfoy Report Review
I hope you're doing well on exams! I have mine too still :/ Sometimes the obvious parallels are what keep it interesting because then it's like something you know but with a twist on it! There really isn't much for me to say because this is just so awesome and I can't find anything for you to improve on at all really! So great job and keep it up, good luck on your exams! :) xx Report Review
Well, Ron is a bad man! He deserves what he got in the last chapter! But I was excited to realize that you were revealing what actually happened between him and Hermione and why they hadn't seen each other in a long time. If there's anyway for you to fix the spacing, then it would be easier to read, but it didn't take away from the story or anything like that. Great job on this chapter, I'm excited for the party!! :) xx Report Review
First-- FINALLY, something that isn't Teddy/Victoire. I'm getting slightly annoyed with it, even though it's only canon and mostly expected. :P Great start to this story, I'm definitely intrigued! I'll try and cover everything you mentioned in the Areas of Concern section, so here goes!
Plot: Very well developed even for such a short and beginning chapter! You drew me in with the recap of Dominique's assignment and the darkness of the tone. That being said, it is obviously just a first chapter, meant to draw in and set up, and that's exactly what it did! You have great skill with writing, so you know exactly what the readers want and how to keep them interested and on their toes for the next chapter. :)
Characterization: Dominique seems close to canon, but I see that you have obviously changed the ships to be non-canon compliant, but it works because it's different. I'm curious to see how the dynamic between Teddy and Dominique is, especially since he's technically half-werewolf himself, and the fact her father and his father are/were both as well. It's rather ironic she's afraid of werewolves because of all that, but it makes sense in a way too because the stories that are close to her are tragic, in a sense, and she just doesn't want it to happen to someone else that she's close to, let alone herself to have to go through that torment and social discrimination.
Pace of story: I think it flows very nicely, and especially with the cliffhanger, the pace is great! Although I can't really say much about this yet as it's only the first chapter, so I'm going to say more on future chapters. :)
That's all I've really got for you that I can think of! I'm actually going to really read this, even though it's outside my normal zone because it's that good. :) Phenomenal writing, great detail! Re-request if you want future chapters reviewed as well! :) xx
~MadiMalfoyAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing.
Haha yes I am pretty tired of Teddy/Victoire too, and recently Teddy/Dom became my OTP! I am pleased you're intrigued.
It's great to know that you think my plot is well-developed, and that the recap and the tone drew you in. I am glad that you think I have a great skill in writing, it means a lot to me, so thank you. I try my best to keep my readers interested =)
Yes well, the whole Teddy and Dominique dynamic will be touched upon in the next chapter and more so in later chapters. I figured that growing up listening and looking at tragic stories of werewolves, she'd be scared. Also, any normal human being would be scared xP
It's good that you found this to flow nicely and like the pace. I look forward to what you have to say on future chapters. I am glad you would like to continue reading this even though it's out of your normal zone. Thank you for your flattering comments! Report Review
Hey there! First of all, I love the idea for this story--you're really branching out of JKR's world and really taking your own spin on it! You had a lot of things in the Areas of Concern, so here I go!
Characters: As far as staying close to canon with Dominique, you're doing great! She's just like what she's charcterized as, and you stay true to that. With your OC's Catherine, Josh, and Ashton, I like them! Catherine's control over herself and her emotions makes for great plot points, and Ashton trying to woo her only makes it sweeter. Josh isn't really a big part yet, so I don't have much about him. Very well described for all of them, but there can never be too much detail!
Plot: You said in the Ships section that it was James/OC, which I assume means James II/OC, yes? I have the feeling that this "Ashton" is really James but he's just hiding behind this façade. If not, then I think some more clarity of who they all are would be great. In the beginning when it's their thoughts, if you were to simply state or describe whose thoughts it was, there would be less confusion right away and then the plot would set up much quicker too! Other than those things, this is a great story so far, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter if you re-request.
Best Line: "His voice got to her in ways he could not imagine." You have a lot of great ones, but this one was just so cute :)
Just a side-note--you have a few grammar/spelling errors here and there, but nothing major enough to interrupt the flow or comprehension of the plot.
Overall, a fantastic piece! :) xx
~MadiMalfoy Report Review
First of all, I'd like to say that I really like this story! JKR never really specified who actually killed Ariana so I'm glad you decided to write about it and kind of pick who it would have actually been, Grindewald.
The dynamic between Gellert and Ariana is already fairly well developed in this chapter, which is a great thing. I think if you were to specify how old Ariana really was when she died, then you could reflect that in her character--her dialogue and actions as a ghost (if that's what she is).
Overall, this was a very well-written chapter! Great job so far! :) xx
~MadiMalfoyAuthor's Response: Thank you very much!
I did envision Ariana as a ghost and the penguin as the physical representation of Gellert's guilt.
Ariana was 14 when she died but she never emotionally grew up after the attack. I will review the chapter and see how to incorporate more of her child-like view and actions.
Thank you very much!
Even though this was a shorter chapter, I completely understand why you would just use this as a way to set up the next chapter. :) I'm excited for it all to go down and to come to an exciting and suspenseful climax! I love how you have kept them close to canon as possible; you've really characterized them well! Great job with this chappie! :) xxAuthor's Response: Thank you! More to come soon:) This one was just a lead-in. Thanks again for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Feel better if you aren't already! :) Being sick sucks man! :( But I'm glad that you were able to post this chapter! As for a lot of action, there wasn't very much, but it set up a lot for the future. Obviously Hermione now knows how Blaise feels and he thinks she feels somewhat the same, while Draco doesn't know how she feels but he knows he loves her and that's actually how she feels too even though she doesn't want to admit it. You wrote this so well and made it so complicated that it's hard for me to figure out just how everything is going to play out! Great job with this chapter, I'm excited for the ball!!! :) xxAuthor's Response: Thank you! I had such a hard time writing this chapter, because I wanted it to be perfect. I'm so glad you liked it, and the next chapter will be up soon! thanks again for the awesome review! :) Report Review
Was not expecting that, OH MY GOD!!! :D Definitely an unexpected twist, for sure! Just a few nitpicky things for you--just a few spelling/grammar errors here and there, but that can be fixed with a quick once-over. Also, I feel like the characterization of Narcissa Malfoy in regards to Hermione is a little OOC, as she technically should hate her, or at least strongly dislike her. I think if you lengthen the last scene a little bit to draw out the suspense and give us a few more details, that would improve the magnitude of the last line. Great job though, wonderful so far! :) xx Report Review
Such a beautiful story! :') But such a sad one as well. I can't even describe how good this was, my brain simply isn't working! I'm speechless at the depth of the meaning of this piece and it really made me look inside myself a little bit. This story can be taken in so many different ways that it could change people's lives. Phenomenal writing, as always; your skill and ease with which you write amazes me! Beautiful one-shot. xxAuthor's Response: MadiMalfoy,
Wow. Your words truly amaze me. You are correct in saying that this story can be taken several different ways. There are certain themes in it that were purposefully placed. Since you mentioned it, I hope you don't mind if I elaborate.
First, is Draco's scolding of people who glorify war: War, however I do believe is at times unavoidable and necessary, is hell and tragedy. It leaves in its horrific aftermath widows, orphans, unimaginable pain, and ruin, despite amazing heroics and the human side of helping save the lives of those involved as well as the innocent. In HP, they were kids forced into life or death situations that none of them wanted. Harry would agree with him on this.
Draco's scolding of those who judge: People in general are quick to judge a person by their actions, even though they will never really know how they would react given the same situation or circumstances. Even in the real world, people are damned and shunned for their mistakes and poor choices even when deeply remorseful... regardless if it happens in the global public, at work or school, or in the privacy of our homes. It is still humiliating and degrading to be held in such low-life regard. When we are made to feel like nothing, people tend to start believing it and succumb to an existence that defines them as such.
Draco's scolding of influence and interference: He mentioned, "God forbid we upset anyone." The magical public, her friends, and family all expected her to marry Ron. And, his family expected a Pureblood daughter-in-law. Loved ones mean well, but ultimately, people need to make their own decisions without the world's influence and intereference. I also should mention that his scolding was a subtle jab to those who claim to "hate" Dramione. I find negative opinions of my favorite ship nauseating and wanted to pay homage to my feelings on the subject. Yes, Hermione can have another love interest and it can be Draco Malfoy.
Draco's readiness to die: In our youth, in general, we do not think about death so much and most certainly want to live forever. But if you've ever worked with the elderly, you would soon find that some are ready to go Home. When your parents, siblings, friends, and sometimes even children pass, people begin to want to be where they are. It is truly eye-opening. Draco was in that place, the last, everyone gone, and this is why he was finally ready to let go of life and be at peace.
Draco's Faith: In my story, Draco is a believer in God and has faith in life beyond the grave, as do I. Instead of being bitter, he thanked God for every minute he was given with her and thought his 37 days as a divine gift.
Draco's unfailing love over time: Yes, we can have feelings of love for someone that can last an entire lifetime, even if separated and living apart for decades. Ask any divorcee who didn't want a divorce or someone who lost a spouse all too soon. Draco's love had not diminished over time. And even though their time was short, it is his calculated patience in giving to others for her sake... for years... in the hopes that one day should he ever get a fleeting chance, that he would not bring her shame... that to me, is the true tragedy in this story. That kind of love breaks my heart. When you love somebody that much... ;(
There are many themes placed in my story and I cannot thank you enough for your beautiful kind words. To read that you felt so deeply about it boggles my mind and shocks me, but at the same time leaves me feeling so blessed.
From my heart, thank you...
Dark Whisper Report Review
Ooooh tensions arise in the carriage! :D Loved it! Such a good chapter, albeit a little short. Just something I found a little odd--Hermione calling Draco "Mr. Malfoy" isn't canon-compliant--it would seem more natural for her to call him "Malfoy" instead. That's all I've got for you now, update this again soon! :) xxAuthor's Response: "Mr. Malfoy" refers to Lucius Malfoy (maybe I should have said "Lucius" instead but as she was talking to Professor Snape at the time I imagined she'd be more likely to use a formality.) Thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Team Bronze, yeah! :D
I've also had a bit of a spot in my heart reserved for Bill and Fleur because of the uniqueness of their love. They married in the middle of a war, they had a child in the remains of the war, they loved through all of it.
I always wanted to know how they really met and got together! This fits into their canons perfectly! :) Great job as always, I love your writing! :) xxAuthor's Response: Aw Bill and Fleur are just are awesome. I think it's the way their love for one another always prevailed no matter what. I'm glad that you found it fitted with canon, and thank you for the lovely compliments, I'm so glad that you love my writing :D
-Kiana Report Review
Ravenclaw review tag! :) This was a cute little one-shot! I love Rose-Scorpius stories, especially when they aren't all cliche and fluffy romance. The boundaries you set for them were get and nearly definable but it seems that Scorpius worried about their friendship a little more than Rose did. Anyways, great job! :) xxAuthor's Response: Hi MM, and thanks for stopping by! I'm happy that you felt like this piece wasn't cliche and that you liked seeing Rose and Scorpius in a happy but less fluffy light. You're right that Scorpius did seem a little more worried about their friendship than Rose, but it's good that Rose was there to calm his fears, right?
Thanks for your lovely review :)
-Amanda Report Review
Wii wii! ;) I'm curious to see how you develop Josephine's character--I feel like she's going to be pivotal later on; and Draco's loneliness will change the game as well. I'm anxiously awaiting the next chapter! :D Great job as always, write quickly! :) xxAuthor's Response: How did you guess she was going to be pivotal? I won't reveal in what way as that would ruin the surprise ;) Yeah Draco will slowly come out of his shell! Thank you for another lovely review, and I'm really glad that you enjoyed the chapter!
-Kiana Report Review
Hey there! Just a few things for you to improve on and then lots of great things! You have a few grammar/spelling errors here and there that interrupted the flow and consistency. Also, make sure that if you are trying to keep the characters as close to canon as possible, make them sound and act like they should. Ron is a little bit too crazy for my taste, but that's just my personal opinion. Now onto the good things! Your minimalistic summary intrigued me from the beginning! You drew me in and that's a very good skill you have. Even though you have only posted two chapters, a lot has happened already and most of it is not what I expected! Great job so far, keep up the good work! :) xx Report Review
Ravenclaw review tag! I loved this, it fits in with Remus's character perfectly! And I think you can see it in the future when he's with Harry or the other Order members that he still grieves for his friends. Perfect characterisation! :) xxAuthor's Response: I'm really glad that you found it fitted his character as I was really trying to create an accurate depiction of it! I'm glad that you got the hints about his future, as I think this is a real turning point in Remus' life. Thank you for this lovely review :D
-Kiana Report Review
It is one of my favorites too! :D This chapter contained so much just STUFF that I read it twice for full comprehension! I'm curious to read whether Blaise and Hermione will get together or what will happen after break! So many exciting things occurred in this chapter to set up future problems and good events so I'm anxiously anticipating what's really going on! dfdkfhdjkfhafdaskfd I can't even explain my want to know what Nott & Daphne's plan is to hurt Hermione!!! Update REALLY soon, I beg of you! :) xxAuthor's Response: I will, don't worry! Thanks for the lovely review! :) Report Review
OH MY GOD WHY MUST YOU PUNISH MY FEELS SO MUCH?!?! I wanted to cry while reading this, it was so heartbreaking and depressing! But, along with the one-shot, it was an EXCEEDINGLY well-written short story/one-shot and I am seriously very jealous of your skill with words and prose. Even though this was only a short story, it was a very deep, emotional, and dramatic one. You were concise and to the point with impressive language to rival that of professional writers. I read this in one sitting and I'm definitely going to come back and keep reading it now and again because it's that good. Phenomenal piece. :) xxAuthor's Response: Hahaha!!! You made me smile with this! Thank you so much for the loads of niceness you just poured all over me :) I really do love this story so I love that you enjoyed it so much!!!
Char Report Review
I'm glad they didn't "break," merely "bent" a little. ;) Such a heartbreaking chapter because we could see how much both Draco and Hermione were hurting with their distance from each other. I'm glad they're friends again. :) Great job with this chapter, excited for the next update!! xxAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! Hopefully they'll keep bending and not break for the things I have in store for them [insert evil laugh]
Char Report Review
Lucky you, I still have 2 weeks of school left! :/ I loved this chapter!! You wrote action very well, I don't think you have too much of a problem with it whatsoever! The way you had them interacting with each other was perfect. I was nearly begging for them to lose control and just kiss each other! But I like how you made them pull away and not give in. It shows how much strength and self control you gave them as characters. So much happened in this chapter that didn't really happen. Phenomenal job! :) xxAuthor's Response: Thanks I was really worried how the action would play out, I do think that there is room for improvement, but I am glad that it wasn't bad. Yeah I couldn't make them lose control where's the fun in that? lol. Yeah I felt that for Rose especially she would pull away because she is not ready, I think Scorpius would have been more willing to continue the moment. As for the chapter itself I am so glad that you liked it and that you felt that it said so much that is exactly what I was aiming for. Thank you so much reading and reviewing. Report Review
Thank you for that lovely long chapter!!! :) Long updates happen to everyone because life gets in the way and more important things happen. I'm glad you didn't let Hermione forgive him right away--it's too cliche and wouldn't seem right with the way you've structured their relationship. I've been waiting for this chapter for so long!! It definitely exceeded my expectations! I really want to know what happens at dinner with Narcissa and how Hermione will react to returning to Malfoy Manor after her war experiences and the event with Lucius there. Phenomenal writing, can't wait for more! :) xx Report Review
Yeah, wouldn't want to be looking unattractive to Malfoy ;) Great chapter, I love the frustration she's feeling with her elemental powers and now Ron/Lavender getting together. It'd be cool to have a scene with her and Harry talking things out (like in the book/movie) soon. :) I want to know what happens next and what Malfoy will say when Hermione says she wants to help Lucius! Keep up the good writing :) xxAuthor's Response: Ha, ok I'll try to have a conversation with Harry and Hermione thrown in there...it may have to be remote because Christmas Break is upon them:) Thanks for sticking with the story and reviewing! Report Review
OMG THE FEELS WHY MUST YOU PLAY WITH MY FEELS!?!? A really great ending to a fantastic story, though, seriously!! It's sad to see our babies grow up and mature but all good things must come to an end. :) Such cute names too for the kids!! I'm glad you decided to add an epilogue, because the closure it so much better! I guess that's why JK wrote one too. ;) Once again, wonderful job with this story, I really liked it! :) xxAuthor's Response: Please apologise to your feels from me haha!
I'm glad I decided to add an epilogue too, it does feel like I have proper closure for Draco and Hermione now. I admit it took me FOREVER to think of their names, I used Shakespearean characters because they were unusual like Hermione's but different enough for magical children :)
Thank you so much for your kind reviews, I'm looking forward to reading how LMM ends! xx Report Review
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