Reading Reviews From Member: MadiMalfoy
  
460 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MadiMalfoyThe Internal Monologue of Annett Sinclaire Kluge: Spontaneous Combustion of Dairy Products: A Prologue

13th January 2015:
Hiya! Here with your requested review! :)

Eep yay my thread has just been hit with obscure character and original character stories and I just love it! But you know what I love more? SCIENCE. I seriously just added this to my reading list because SCIENCE. I have yet to read basically any book where the main character was interested/invested in science, let alone a girl! I'm so very happy you've written this fic!

Putting my fangirling aside, your concerns were about flow, characterization, humor, and level of interest. I'll hit them in that order! :) As far as plot goes, I really quite enjoy it already! There's not many fics out there that focus on a muggleborn's adjustment to going to a magical school and how it would affect their personalities and entire lives. It has a great interest level just for that aspect, in my opinion! You move it along at a pace where we're still able to gather information about your OC and her family while her life advances until she's eleven. At first, I was unsure of the era (because I forgot to read it oops) when Annett read "Mr. Lupin" I thought it was Lupin as in Remus, not Teddy, but I'm glad it was Teddy because it makes a lot more sense :P I'm glad you used the settings you did--the train ride, the sorting ceremony, and the brief time before bed--because those can all be really mind-blowing for a muggle-born to see for the first time ever.

As far as characterization goes, I think you've done a splendid job so far! With as many characters as you're throwing in, I'm proud of you for just managing to juggle everyone and remember whose talking and where they're at in each scene, so kudos for you on that! I think it's quite humorous so far, and I tend to have a very sarcastic/dry sense of humour, so don't worry about that part at all. The Wotters just naturally have a sort of humor about them, simply because there's so many of them and they always seem to be together! So in conclusion, I would definitely read on and find out how Annett deals with realizing she has magic and goes to a magic school and how she comes to terms with all that is implicated with that. Great job, please feel free to re-request anytime! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hi Madi!

Thank you so much for this review [hug]. You're so sweet!

AND I'M SO EXCITED THAT YOU LOVE SCIENCE BECAUSE, as you might have figured, I LOVE SCIENCE, TOO! DOES THAT MAKE US BEST BUDDIES, NOW? Although, I may have stalked your profile and read that you like science and that may have been why I requested a review specifically from you, but you. . . ahem. . . you didn't read that. ;)

Phew! and YAY! I so glad that you think it all worked out. Wow, again, thank you! I really appreciate you taking the time to read and review. The flow was what I had trouble with most before some serious editing, I'm thrilled to hear that it's better now. That may be precisely why I chose those settings, actually. Haha. This chapter was certainly an exploration on some kind of logical/more realistic Muggle reactions to the peculiarities of the Wizarding World. It's super bizarre and foreign so I really tried to show that.

Eep! Thank you! That one I tried to accomplish by mentally playing out the scene. And I'M SO GLAD YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY because my biggest worry is that it may only be funny in my head. Plus, making readers laugh is my ultimate goal with most of my writing. :D

Well, if you insist. ;) Thank you again for such a helpful review, you've eased so many worries of mine at the same time. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Madi!

Cheers,
Em


 Report Review

Review #2, by MadiMalfoyRabbit Heart: Have a Heart

13th January 2015:
Hello! MadiMalfoy here with your requested review from a couple weeks ago! :)

Yay for obscure characters/original characters! These kinds of stories are my favorite :) Okay so you were mainly worried about plot flow and interest level, and also if your subplots were dragging or you were using too many characters.

Since this is just the first chapter and you have to introduce your OC Wren Longbottom, I don't think you have to worry about it dragging just yet, or using too many characters. It's the opening chapter so it's meant to set up the story and reel the reader in--which it does. Even with an OC, your opening lines intrigued me and made me want to read further in the story and figure out what this bright light was and why it had such a negative connotation to Wren. As far as the flow of the plot, I think you've got it moving along quite nicely, and your descriptions of the scenes are absolutely stunning and really help us as readers imagine the world you're seeing in your head as you write. Your spare usage of passive voice also helps as well as it keeps us from trudging along with "was helping" and "were running" etc. You cut straight to the point but still retain the necessary elements of a story and embellish it well.

Great opening chapter, feel free to request again! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hi!

I'm glad you liked my choice of characters from canon. The story concept came way before the character selection, and I thought that Wren was a good choice for it. She has the background that I found intriguing, and it seemed to mesh nicely with what I had in mind.

I try hard not to slip into passive voice, unless it's absolutely necessary. The scene should have forward momentum, and I don't want it to start dragging. That's not to say that passive voice doesn't have a place. But I like to use it as sparingly as possible.

Thanks for the feedback. I will definitely re-request!


 Report Review

Review #3, by MadiMalfoyBewildered: Prologue

12th January 2015:
Hi there! I'm here with your requested review! :)

First of all, yay for Game of Thrones! (I just finished watching the TV show this morning!!) Second of all, yay Scorose! I haven't read much Scorose in a long time so this was a great refresher of why I love the ship! :) Anywho, in your areas of concern you wrote that you were worried you rushed the relationship between Rose & Scorpius, characterization & carbon copying their parents, and general plot and tenses. I will hit them in opposite order of this list, so here we go!

I didn't notice any tense slip-ups, so you're perfect on that! However, I did notice some extra commas in places; a quick fix for that is to read it out loud and stop where all the commas are, then if anything feels awkward, get rid of the comma! As far as plot goes, it's definitely different than the usual! Scorpius being a bad guy and following some guy named Stark (I see the GoT reference there!) whose got similar ideals to Voldemort (although hopefully not as violent).

With characterization, Scorpius is your typical bad-boy Slytherin while Rose is the Golden Girl of Gryffindor. While those are sort of archetypal and make them seem very much like carbon copies of their parents, I think you can twist it so that they make their roles & places in Hogwarts/general society work for them better than Draco and Hermione were able to do. I'd love to see some parental interaction, actually! I think that would help lessen your worry of making them carbon copies of their parents as well. And finally, I don't think you rushed their relationship at all yet! I mean, you could have possibly given them some interaction before this year/opening scene, etc, but you didn't push anything. He's just being a gentleman--like he was raised to be--and walking her back to her dormitory in the middle of the night for her safety. Nothing out of the ordinary there. ;)

Really, a wonderful prologue and I'd be happy to do the second chapter for you if you re-request! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Yay!

I know I love GoT! I'm in the middle of the book series right now, but it's so looong! Ha ha!

Awesome, I'm always worried about my tense!

I'll try that with the commas thank you!

Oh yes, Stark is far different from Voldemort in getting what he wants and it's a bit ironic about what they both actually want...

In the next chapter actually both sets of parents are introduced so there you go! Ha ha!

And thank you! I'm so worried that they seem to be going too fast in their relationship, but the novella spans a pretty big chunk of time so hopefully readers will understand!

Thank you so much!!

Sincerely,
Ireland


 Report Review

Review #4, by MadiMalfoySympathy, Tenderness: Offer Me Your Embrace

7th January 2015:
Hi Ilia! :)

Okay so I'm glad you decided to end it where we discussed it--it's a much more natural ending than if you had decided to throw a kiss or more in at the end. I do enjoy Hermione kissing Draco's forehead though! Such an innocent gesture contradicts the loss of innocence of Draco perfectly. I think Erica will absolutely love this for its dark theme and topic, and also for the bond Draco and Hermione form in his apartment after their argument. It's not cliched whatsoever, in my opinion, because it doesn't take things a step further with them. You actually write Dramione beautifully, and I think you could definitely write more of them! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Madi! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I am so thankful for your help. You're right, it feels more natural to stop where I did. I'm glad I didn't spin it wildly out of control and turn it into trash! Oh my gosh, thank you. I actually really enjoyed writing this pair so I may write more of them to be honest :P thank you so much!

 Report Review

Review #5, by MadiMalfoyYour Life, Your Love: Sink or Swim

6th January 2015:
Hi Joey! :)

This is right up my alley because it's got obscure characters (I consider next gen relatively obscure because we're given hardly any canonical information about them) and angst! I will say, I usually don't read stories that are formatted like this (perhaps it's just because I love long stories) but I really enjoyed this piece and it made me sad at the same time! Such a sorrowful yet beautiful love story you created here, I could empathize with Albus at the end. My only question is whether or not Destiny died or divorced him. From the tone and progression of time through the story, I want to go with she died because that makes slightly more sense. Either way, it's a heartbreaking end and wrenches your gut when you realize Albus only has himself to relive his memories with now.

A truly magnificent piece, Joey! Thanks for doing the swap! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

 Report Review

Review #6, by MadiMalfoyTurning the Tables: Turning the Tables

31st December 2014:
Hello! MadiMalfoy here with your requested review! :)

I'm not a fan of Snape/Lily usually, but this one isn't so bad :P As far as plot flow goes, I think it flows very smoothly and transitions into each scene quite well! The plot itself seems plausible enough, considering what canon Marauders seem to be like and how they treated Snape, even if this is supposed to be AU. I love your characterization of Lily as well! Many people seem to forget that she is a caring person (I mean she did die for Harry and everything) so I'm glad you expanded on that part of her personality, and use it to get back at the Marauders for hurting Snape so bad.

This is quite the fun piece, I will admit! Great job with it, and congrats on first place with it! Feel free to re-request anytime! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for reviewing this! I don't know if I'm a fan of Snape/Lily, but it was something I wanted to write. I'm glad you don't think it's bad, lol. And I'm glad you think it flows very well, too. It is AU, because I wrote it for a challenge that wanted AU and specified the characters had to be meeting for the first time, but I wanted to keep them in character as much as possible. James and Sirius did a lot of mean, immature things to Severus, and Lily is a very caring person, these are things I wanted to keep in my story. I'm glad you thought it was a fun piece, too.

Thanks so much for agreeing to review this and maybe I'll re-request soon with something a little more to your preference!

xxNix


 Report Review

Review #7, by MadiMalfoyMonster: Monster

31st December 2014:
Hello hello! I'm here with your requested review from...2 months ago...oops. :]

Anywho, onto the actual review! You voiced concerns about writing style, theme, and overall darkness. As far as writing style goes, this is the first piece I've read in second person, and it's done really well. Writing in second person is tricky at best, but you execute it wonderfully! It really pulls the reader is because, without mention of the character's name whose POV it's sort of in right away, it makes us think it's happening to us. The writing style is great, and as far as I can see, you didn't have any grammatical or spelling errors either!

With theme and overall darkness, I think the theme just makes it dark anyway :P The theme is really great though--it's a much different take on a story with vampires (and monsters in general). The way you've made it so it's different scenes from Rose's life at the family vacation home helps to draw the darkness even more as she ages because the darkness is also aging, watching, and waiting. What a twist that I just knew was coming at the end too!

Really, a remarkable piece! Please feel free to come back for more whenever you'd feel like it! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I am pleased you found the second person okay and the writing style good. Thank you =)
The theme is supposed to be dark so I am glad it worked. Thank you!


 Report Review

Review #8, by MadiMalfoyLife As We Know It: chapter seventeen

30th December 2014:
Well it has been a mighty long time since I read this last! But I had some free time so I decided to catch up on this and see where you were going with it! :)

They kissed!!! And it wasn't overly done or anything! It fit the situation and its purpose well. (And it just made me happy because yay Dramione) :) You write without adding unnecessary prose or description. First person can sometimes be a little tricky, but you write Hermione very well! Sometimes wielding canon characters in different situations (namely Dramione in this case) can be difficult and come across as extremely OOC, but you handled the information given to Hermione very well and adapted canon events to fit with everything. And I liked the little bit with Bill--helps to flesh out his character and how he actually got the scars from Fenrir (since I seem to be forgetting how he canonically gets them; I must need to reread the books again).

Overall, these last couple of chapters were splendid and I'm excited for more! Although I'll most likely be late on them, I'll still do my best to get around to upcoming stuff as soon as I find free time! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

 Report Review

Review #9, by MadiMalfoyLove, Not War: Prolouge: Blessed With a Son

30th December 2014:
Hi there! MadiMalfoy here with your quite overdue review! :)

Wow. This is quite the opening-ish chapter! What a thing to be put on poor infant Draco! Seeing as he is basically my favorite character ever, I'm very curious to see where you go with this! Wonderful characterization of Lucius and Narcissa as well! I despise Voldemort even more than I usually do in fics because you've made him more sick and twisted than canon has him. Having to sign Draco over to the Dark Lord literally minutes after he's born has got to be a wake-up call, and plant the seeds of doubt about Voldemort's ways into Lucius and Narcissa's heads, don't you think? ;)

There was one thing that stuck out to me, however. Lucius and Narcissa's dialogue seems somewhat too colloquial for two purebloods of their standing. They typically are much more formal in speaking, even in intimate situations; it's just how purebloods are--much like royalty/nobility way back when. Other than that, however, it was a great prologue and definitely grabbed my attention and kept me interested all throughout. Great job! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

 Report Review

Review #10, by MadiMalfoyAt Midnight: Mirage

30th December 2014:
Hi there! I am really really very sorry for not getting to this sooner! Once I got caught up in NaNo and that finished, then it was time for finals and my review thread just sort of slipped my mind! But anyway, here I am with your ridiculously late review! :)

Your area of concern said that you thought it was one of your weaker stories. I haven't had the pleasure of reading any of your other pieces, but if you think this is isn't one of your stronger stories, then you must write some really amazing stuff! *Instantly peruses author page* Hmmm...yes it seems that you write wonderfully with literally anything you do, especially angst!

I've always been intrigued with minor characters and other people's interpretations of them and how they deviate from canon or continue with the little we're given from good ol' JK.

Your characterization of Teddy is quite frustrating! He's so rude to Molly simply because he's ignorant of how to deal with her. Yes, he's had to let girls down before, but he is incapable of doing it properly with Molly because they are so closely "related." And Molly! She is truly a wonderful character, I think. Many people write her off as just the daughter of Percy and Audrey, as no one worth mentioning a whole lot. But you took her in and gave her own story, and I really quite enjoy that! Now, this mystery man, I want to say it's Scorpius Malfoy, but I honestly have no clue! It could be any old blond-haired, green-eyed teenage boy of your own imagination. Either way, I truly enjoyed his moments with Molly. Almost like a fantasy...

I think the length of this chapter was perfect for the setup, even if longer than the average. Some things just can't be cut in half. This was a great opener and I'd be happy to do the second as well, if you feel like re-requesting! Marvelous story :)
~MadiMalfoy x

 Report Review

Review #11, by MadiMalfoyThe Diagon Alley Gentlemen's Club: Prologue

26th December 2014:
Hello hello, here for our little swap! I wanted to experience some of your writing style before we collaborated so that way i could relatively match mine to yours!

Anywho, I think this is quite the introduction! It quickly and effectively introducing and describing characters. It's quite the premise, especially with the title and your OCs job. Im very intrigued as to where you go with this and who you pull in from canon! Great start, I'm excited for our collab! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hi Madi!

Unfortunately this is not my normal writing style, but even so - I'm so glad you liked it! I'm excited for our collab too and thanks so much for this wonderful review!

Lo :)


 Report Review

Review #12, by MadiMalfoyA Man Barely Breathing: Until I take my last breath.

30th November 2014:
Hello hello!!

You know how much I love a good Dramione, and yours even more so!

Anywho, I needed a break from scrambling to finish up NaNo so I just happened upon this little thing and decided I had to read it! Considering the wide variety of Dramione stories I've read, I had yet to read one that involved divorce until now, which is surprising to me!

Draco's despair and desperate love for Hermione gets me every time. The fact that the divorce even came about because of miscommunication about miscommunication says something about marriage itself. The judge is so kind and insightful, and that really speaks volumes about people involved in the lower judicial systems and how they can change clients' lives by thinking about the situation a little more thoroughly than they usually would care to do.

As always, a truly splendid piece! :) ♥
~MadiMalfoy x

 Report Review

Review #13, by MadiMalfoyUnrequited Snowfall: Unrequited Snowfall

8th November 2014:
I saw your status in the forums and decided I needed a break from NaNo writing, so here I am! :)

I love a good Dramione, but unrequited love and angst is my favorite!! This was such a beautifully told story from Draco's POV, something which we don't always get to see and I absolutely loved it! His angst about whether or not he should really try to go for Hermione or not and if he truly is in love with her or is just infatuated with her because she's "forbidden" is a great character trait! This was just so great ugh I love it!! ♥
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Thanks MadiMalfoy!

I'm glad you enjoyed it and that I characterized him to suit folks. One of my other reviewers on a different Dramione of mine mentioned that the pairing seemed unrealistic because they were at Hogwarts and having them actually get together is just so implausible in a one-shot.

So I ran with the idea that gave me and this was the result. Thanks for reviewing and I hope it made a nice reprieve from NaNo.

Good luck with NaNo, btw! =)


 Report Review

Review #14, by MadiMalfoySomething Worth Fighting For: Chapter 1

26th October 2014:
Hi there! :) Here's the review you requested a few weeks ago! :)

Well first of all, you made me cry, which is very hard to do when it comes to fan fiction. As I was reading, I realized I had never really properly mourned Fred at all either (probably because of the time lapse between the release of the book and the movie) so this allowed me to also do that. I think it's very characteristic of all of the Weasleys how you've written them.

I think it's very characteristic of Ginny not to show her emotions in tears until she finally realizes she hasn't done that yet and then just breaks down all at once. And Harry! Oh, Harry! I loved their little scene together--it wasn't cliche whatsoever! I loved it!

This really is quite intriguing and I definitely want to read on! Great job on opening this up, I'd love to read more! :) Feel free to re-request whenever you have time! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

 Report Review

Review #15, by MadiMalfoyDefine Me: Prologue: Positive

26th October 2014:
Hi there! MadiMalfoy here with your requested review from way way too long ago! :)

I haven't had a chance to read much next gen with OCs so this is definitely new for me! So far I really enjoy Taylor's and Lottie's characters. They seem like the best friends ever and much older than they really are. I think a lot of people tend to forget that even at sixteen, if you have a job or rough family life, you really are more mature and adult than some actual adults are. The boss man seems very rude! I do hope you punish him in some way eventually!

I don't think you've managed to write any cliches into this, other than the fact that she got pregnant after having sex one time but that's okay! It lends some barriers to the story between her and James. Great job so far, keep up the good work, and please feel free to re-request! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Thank you so so much!

I'm honored you selected my OC story!!

Lottie and Taylor go way back and are very good friends. I agree about people having rough lives growing up faster, I've seen it and believe it completely.

The boss is a knucklehead. >.<

I'm glad you're liking! I'm trying to avoid cliches. And although it was their first time having sex together, it wasn't like a big losing virginiry thing, they have had their share of past experiences.


 Report Review

Review #16, by MadiMalfoyDoing the Right Thing: Doing the Right Thing

1st October 2014:
Hi there!! Sorry it's been SOO long since you requested this--RL got in the way more than I was expecting it to! Since you didn't have anything specific, I'll just give you a general! :)

Firstly, DRACO MALFOY ♥ ugh I love that boy, you have no idea! He's such a deep character even though we aren't given a huge amount canonically about him, but JK has said he's the opposite of Harry (ish) so it makes sense. I really thoroughly enjoyed your characterization of him; it's deeply rooted in canon, which makes it that much more believable.

As far as plot goes, I think you came up with a great idea! Draco needs redemption in the Dark Lord's eye, so he accepts the challenge of creating a diversion for the Lestranges' killing of the Minister while retaining his promise to his mother to make her proud. I loved it!!

It flows very smoothly between past events and the current situation through some super well-written transitions & also Draco's thoughts. Wonderfully done!

THis really is a great piece and I would be delighted to review your novel! Just re-request whenever you have time and I'll do my best to get started on it! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

 Report Review

Review #17, by MadiMalfoyTraitorous Hearts: A Family Affair

6th September 2014:
Hello once again! :)

You have returned with another fabulous chapter! Ugh, the literature and history nerd in me is basically going crazy with your Shakespeare references galore and family history!! I think you've really highlighted the depth of Astoria's worry for her father's health, mentally and physically, along with Filly's worry also. It's truly saddening to watch a family member wither away before your very eyes and you can't do anything about it. You've captured that despair and torture very well in Astoria's incessant need to alphabetize and organize everything because she needs to focus on something other than her father's worsening condition and the war going on outside. The (lucid!!) history lesson given to Astoria from her father was so touching, I absolutely loved it! Your dedication to being historically accurate is phenomenal as well!

Moving on to the short scene in Malfoy Manor, let me just say THANK YOU. Because all we're given in the canon-verse is that supposedly everyone in the Manor was on lockdown by Voldemort's orders. So I really enjoyed getting to see the aftermath of the trio escaping and how that affects Draco and his family because his mother wants him to get out right now before Voldemort comes but Draco knows he's already in too deep, that he's already lost. Truly tragic. That last line really summed it up well--the bully school boy was gone, and he had been replaced with a hardened-too-young man who was willing to kill in order to save himself and his family.

WONDERFUL IMPECCABLE FLAWLESS PERFECT AMAZING TERRIFIC FABULOUS SUPERB CHAPTER!! :) ♥

Come back anytime, please! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hello, hello!

I'm so glad you liked it! Yay for history & literature nerdiness! I loved working in the Shakespeare bits, and I'm especially happy that you enjoyed the family history. I love getting to include those details.

Thank you! It's sad to write about Felix's situation. It puts a lot of pressure on his daughters, and, of course, Filly. I think it explains a lot about why Astoria acts the why she does. It both hardens and softens her. She's tougher because she's had to bear up under the weight of handling the family matters--obviously Daphne is just running away from the responsibility. But I also like writing Felix in, because we get to see Astoria's softer side. And a HUGE SMILE that you loved the history lesson. Felix is a very different kind of personality than those I've been writing for this story so far. It was a challenge to try to capture his voice, but it was fun, because he's just so warm, and I'm glad you think it came out well. And thanks--I really try to be accurate, so I'm glad you noticed! :D

Thank YOU! Because I am so touched to see someone really care for that scene. It was one of my favorites, just because I felt like it was so important. Like, Draco goes from making all these unimpressive attempts to kill Dumbledore, to hesitating when he actually gets the chance to kill him, and then, when he has the chance to turn Harry in, he doesn't. But when we next see him, at the Battle, all that hesitation is gone. He's out to stop Harry, and he's seemingly committed now. Why? When I really started looking at Draco, as a character, I realized that it was a change in his trajectory--a deviation from the norm--so something had to cause it. And it didn't take long to think of what it could have been. Really, after such a massive failure, it's a surprise that the Malfoys all survived. If he cared about his family at all, he wouldn't be able to step one toe out of line. In that light, I think his actions at the Battle of Hogwarts make more sense. Or I hope so, at least.

Thank you so, so much for this incredibly kind review. It really helps! I'll definitely send in another request when I post the next chapter, which (fingers crossed) will be soon! It's almost done. Just a few tricky pieces to iron out.

Thanks again!

--Penny


 Report Review

Review #18, by MadiMalfoyFalling: Falling

4th September 2014:
Hey there! :) I know I'm super late on this--moving in to college got me way more behind than I thought it would!

Anywho, on I go! Your main concern was flow with consideration to the different snippets of his life. Honestly, I think you made it work flawlessly! Sometimes it can be a bumpy road writing stories like this but it's pretty smooth here. The snippets you've picked highlight the ups and downs of Albus's earlier life, and also some of his last moments greatly.

As far as plot holes, can there really be any when it's written as snapshots of a person's life? Really, this is a great reflection of the big points in Albus's life that are touched on by JK Rowling but not always described in great detail. The way you've written it through the word "falling" gives it a unique tone I thoroughly enjoyed!

Basically, a great piece and please, feel free to re-request anytime! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hi!

Ah, it's not a problem at all! I know how time consuming college related things can be >.< (and I'm still halfway through my applications. Merlin save me!)

Thanks so much for this really helpful review! I'm thrilled you think that the merging of the snippets worked, for I was a little nervous while writing something like this. It's a new style for me, but I loved the end product and I'm glad you did too!

The concept of falling was another thing I was apprehensive about writing, seeing that I used it in such an abstract sense. Thanks for point out that that was not the case. Seriously, this is such a motivational review, that I'm practically itching to write! I'm very happy you liked the story and I will definitely request reviews in the future!


 Report Review

Review #19, by MadiMalfoyTrying to snog Hermione Granger: Chapter One

2nd September 2014:
Hi there! I'm here with your requested review :)

Firstly, yay Dramione!! I haven't gotten the chance to read one for a review request in the longest time!! So thanks haha :)

Okay so, you've got a lot you want me to cover, so I'm going to start with the easier one first: grammar. I noticed a lot of technical and spelling errors throughout the chapter, which interrupted the flow somewhat. Examples of this are "your" should be "you're" and "there" should be "they're" in some instances. Other places it's simply missing commas or too many commas. Also, one thing I'd like to note is that it is spelled Blaise, not Blasie, but that's an easy mistake to make! I think a beta would help greatly with this just for proofreading and the like.

As far as plot and flow go, I think you've got quite the interesting idea; who can make Hermione Granger kiss them first? I've read a few similar stories, but I think you've got a great twist in it with Blaise. I was able to grasp the situation (which is rather funny) relatively soon, but it's just kind of there, without any explanation why. You've written it very straightforwardly, which is nice in some cases, but I think if you slow it down some, give it some beef and fluff and add some more details of the setting and the scene, that'll help balance out all of the dialogue. It wouldn't be a bad idea either to define at what point in their schooling this is and what's going on in the outside world (i.e. is Voldemort a threat, etc) just so we know as the audience what we can expect from the outside world.

That brings me to my next point: dialogue! So, you have quite the large amount of dialogue with very little detail. It's better to do more of a 40/60 that an 20/80 when it comes to description/dialogue, if you know what I mean. As I mentioned above, it helps to balance the chapter out and the scene out so we can imagine it better in our minds as readers the way you want us to. Going into the dialogue itself, I think it's somewhat OOC on Draco's part because he's not even really that stuffy and uptight about himself canonically. He's very suave and smooth and always handles himself carefully. Their conversations just seem very immature for their age and typical presentation.

I know this all seems really harsh and critical, but I'm just trying to give you some constructive criticism to improve your writing talents. Really though, you've got a great story and I can tell you're very excited about it in your head, so just show us that in your writing! Use exclamation points and fun words to describe things! They draw the readers in and make us want to continue reading. Really though, I'm intrigued! Please feel free to come back any time! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

 Report Review

Review #20, by MadiMalfoyHarbor: Harbor

1st August 2014:
And once more. :)

Hinny is probably one of the few canon ships I actively write about (unlike Molly/Arthur & Lucius/Narcissa who I simply know are always together). Songfics are not usually my cup of tea (although I have written one...) but this one is great because you don't focus heavily on the lyrics; rather you just have them in there to inspire the characters and scenes there.

Your characterization of Ginny is fabulous, and don't let anyone ever tell you differently! The movies-in my opinion at least-really took away her don't-take-no-for-an-answer and strong, independent attitude and you've brought it back. I think that because you glossed over the stuff typically seen in Harry's POV, you were really able to focus and pinpoint exactly how Ginny felt towards Harry and how it affected her and also him.

Really, I couldn't wish for a better Head of Ravenclaw house, and definitely not someone with so much writing skill and talent and love for the Weasleys! Thank you, WeasleyTwinMom. :) ♥
~MadiMalfoy x

 Report Review

Review #21, by MadiMalfoyTwins!: Twins!

1st August 2014:
Hello again! :D

This little one-shot about Molly finding out she’s having twins is so cute! Already mother of three, I think she’s got it down pat. Charlie, Bill, and Percy are so adorable!! Causing Molly so much trouble at such young ages, no wonder she’s so good at handling mayhem later on! I can just imagine her telling Arthur the news and getting angry with him for somehow providing her two more boys instead of just one!

It really highlights how much of a mother she truly is, and I love that about this piece. Her relationship with Healer Whitlock is great too! Internally, I feel like Molly is excited to have two more children, even if they are both boys and not the girl she wants, because they are two more things that her and Arthur created together and she’ll love them just the same. :)

Your love of all things Weasley has really made me want to not only read more Weasley-centered fics but also try my hand at writing them. Thanks for being amazing!! :) ♥

~MadiMalfoy x

 Report Review

Review #22, by MadiMalfoyCharlie the Dragon Hunter: Crikey!

1st August 2014:
Surprise! :D I decided as my way of participating in Thank You WTM Day I would review some of your old stories!

Even though Charlie isn’t mentioned much in the books, I’m so glad I found this fic!! I love minor characters but have yet to find a good Charlie-centered one—until now! And Tonks! It’s great you put her in there as his classmate and still her usual self with brightly colored hair. :)

The Dragon Hunter! What a laugh! This silly magical representation of Steve Irwin is amazing and really is a tribute to his memory as the Crocodile Hunter. The parallels are flawless and you couldn’t have done it any better! I think that Charlie typically gets overlooked most of the time in a lot of fan fictions, but he’s an important part of the Weasley clan too, just like Fred and Ron and Ginny and the rest! Really though, your talent amazes and inspires me to improve greatly!

Thank you for being such a wonderful head of Ravenclaw house. :) ♥
~MadiMalfoy x

 Report Review

Review #23, by MadiMalfoySomething to Live For: Interviewing a Foreigner

31st July 2014:
Well hello there! Welcome to HPFF! :)

Contrary to your opinion, this is actually quite intriguing right off the bat! You've introduced your OC to both Draco and George already and made her unforgettable to them both. She's quite the character, I do admit! An American, in England, in the early 2000s? *Astonishing!* :P I think the fact you made her American gives you great opportunities to use language barriers as fun situations (i.e. "biscuits" meaning two different things) for Rosalind and Draco/George.

With your descriptions, here's my biggest tip: if it's not working, then just scrap it and start over. Also, try to describe something without actually using that word in it. For example: "Brisk autumn air tangled in her hair, the cobblestones uneven beneath her feet; meandering down the alley, a bright violet building piqued her interest." I hope that helps! My final tip is to use more contractions; it makes things more casual and relaxed-sounding.

As a whole, though, this was a great opening chapter! I can't wait to see how you develop it further! Please come back anytime you'd like. :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hi there! :)

That's a relief, I felt like my pace was a little too fast haha. I decided to add a prologue that's still waiting to be validated and I tried to add a lot more description. I really like your tip and think that will help me a lot, I tend to use too many adjectives and come off as repetitive. So I will definitely keep that in mind :) I also plan on using small language barriers and there's a lot of action coming soon! Thank you so much for your kind review I'll make sure to come back again :)


 Report Review

Review #24, by MadiMalfoySacrifice: Of Beginnings, Aurors, and Torn Photographs

31st July 2014:
Hi there! Here with your requested review :)

Since you didn't have complete specifics, I'll just kind of hit everything!

I'll start off with characterization! Obviously, I can't exactly nitpick with your OCs but I will say I do like them so far! And I love that all of their names start with A; it's cute! You've really got Harry and Dean down well; I think that even though they are Aurors, they still have that need to make sure everyone is okay and safe, and you showed that in them being assigned to the Schrechovitz siblings and really caring about them. I'm excited to meet Dean's son Vincent, as he seems like a love interest for AJ, or at least her best friend or something of the sort! Great characters so far in general!

As far as plot goes, I think you've got a great setup already! Although we don't exactly know why their parents are gone (and/or dead?) you hint at their mother's issues a little bit and there is some obvious dislike towards their father. I feel like you are wanting to create tension and build to a reveal of why the kids are living without their parents. Really, even though there isn't technically a lot going on in this chapter, you've really fleshed out your characters well enough to develop a plot through their interactions with Harry and Dean and each other. The only little detail that bugged me was what the youngest, Adam, would do when the other four went to Hogwarts. I mean, that's more back-story detail than anything, but if it becomes relevant in later chapters, I'd say touch on it briefly simply because the four younger ones COULD get taken away at any moment, so why wouldn't Adam have been taken while the other four were away at school?

Overall, a great opening chapter with lots of good description! Feel free to re-request whenever you like! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: MadiMalfoy!

Thanks for the great feedback on my characters! I was afraid they were confusing--some people found them that way, but i'm glad you didn't :) And we'll just have to see about Vinny ;)

I do want to fill the readers with suspense. I won't actually tell the whole story for a while, but some people I'm sure will piece it together!

And I fixed this for the update I'm about to submit into the queue about Adam's situation: the 'incident' that left them by themselves, had just happened over that past summer. AJ was already seventeen, and therefore capable of taking them all in. So there had not been school yet, therefore there was no need to take Adam away. But now, they're all in school, so no worries about Adam.

I'll definitely be back. Thanks for a wonderful response! :)

-Leigh xxx


 Report Review

Review #25, by MadiMalfoyTrixangela Snape: Year 1: Chapter 1: All Aboard the Hogwarts Express

31st July 2014:
Hi again! :)

Aw, Trixi on her first trip on the Hogwarts Express! So cute. :)

You were mainly concerned about the plot so I'll touch on that first. It's very straightforward but works well because that's how Severus himself is and sort of how Trixi is also. The only thing I would say that would improve it is to add more description of the scene to balance out the large amounts of dialogue you have. Just describe the train in greater detail or what Draco looks like, or Platform 9 3/4. That makes it less difficult to try and remember everything that's being said because describing things still helps to move plot along but also assists in setting the tone of the current scene. Other than that though, I really enjoyed how you had Trixi just forging along and talking to Luna and Ginny! She doesn't yet understand the whole prejudice thing because Snape has sheltered her from most everything.

Just two small CCs I have for you; I do believe Harry is only 13 years old in POA, so he should be 13 here too, as he's one of the youngest in his class. Also, with the dialogue, it's very formal and stiff-sounding because the characters aren't using contractions like "I'm" or "You're" and instead use the full "I am" or "You are". This makes Trixi's lines age her more than her 11 years. They're all just 11, 12, or 13 years old; they don't use sophisticated language very often yet. And just for fun, I suggest putting in a line for Draco of "My father will hear about this!" after Harry Potter faints 'cause you know it's a great line and place to say it. :P

Great chapter, come back anytime! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Thanks for your excellent advice! I have been told I have quite a lot of dialog, and I have been fixing that (you should love Chapter 6 when it's validated) only thing I noticed is now my chapters are 5-6k words! 0.0 takes a lot time to get that beta-ed and validated.

And yes, I did notice the "stiff" speech myself, I have changed that up in the later chapters, and in the future, I will go through and fix my current ones. There are still a few characters that will have that though. Namely, Franilda Wildnox who is a stiff girl to begin with.



 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>