Hi. So.. I don't really like writing this sort of reviews, but if it's going to help a fellow writer then I have to force myself.
You need a beta-reader. Go to the forums, and there's a topic where you can put down your request and someone can take you up for it. You need to work on your grammar and your spelling and overall formatting and flow.
Also, you need to work on your charactarisation on canon characters. Harry seems very OOC, and not in a good way. The Harry we all know and love would never purposely ignore his family or be described as 'the most ruthless man'. Just think about it. Maybe revise your chapters, tweak stuff here and there and make them better. It's always good to leave a chapter for a few days after you've written it, so you can do back to it again and make some nice changes.
I don't want you to hate me. I'm not writing this to be mean, but to hopefully help your writing. Anyway, I hope you continue writing and improving.
Bye :)Author's Response: Hello and thanks for your kind review, I just want you to know I am doing everything step by step and also this is AU only for one reason i.e harry however I have given this story a lot of thought and you will see that later on harry will turn out not to be ruthless as he is now and about the beta reader thing I under going edits so it will be done soon
Also please note just because people like Harry that way does not mean I will change the story because the whole plot will be ruined.
And yes my grammar sucks no need to sugarcoat it...
thank you... Report Review
First things first; BAKLAVA! OH THE SWEET GOODNESS! I want me some homemade baklava. Anyway, now that this is out of the way, I'd start praising you on your absolutely brilliant story. It's mega. Really, Astrea is such a funny character and the whole concept of the seer-but-not-quite is very interesting. I feel in love with your writing when I read Something About James Potter and The Lucky One (When are you going to update, by the way? Not to pressure you or anything but I want some hipster Albus!) and now this. You have some talent there, lady. Report Review
It's lovely. One thing though, Narcissa is actually older than Sirius, with five years, if my memory serves me right. Report Review
I'll try to do my best to leave coherent review, but
it is quite late, so we'll see how that goes. First of
all, I have to compliment your writing style again,
because it is amazing! But now onto the actual
(Remus nodded. ‘Peter said he’d forgotten about
tonight, which isn’t like him; usually he jumps at the
chance to meet up. He’s been getting more and
more forgetful lately.’ Remus frowned, his scars
barely visible in the soft sunlight of the kitchen.
‘He’s just been really distracted.’) This whole
paragraph made me both really angry and sad. Just
thinking about why Peter is so distracted, and
where he probably was while the conversation was
occurring makes me want to find him and squeeze
his neck. Your dialogue is really well-written and has
a real feel to it, which I find important in a story.
And then the whole scene with James' father and
when he says that James has had a brother since
the day he met him just struck a chord in me. It
explains their friendship perfectly. There was a
special connection there, and I like to think that it
was from the moment they met each other. They
just click together, exactly like brothers. I really am
bad at expressing myself at 5 in the morning. lol.Author's Response: Aw, thank you for the review! I don't think you expressed yourself badly at all... although, how have you managed that formatting?!
It's always great to hear that readers enjoy my writing style, thank you.
Ugh, I know - Peter! He makes me so angry. He didn't just betray James and Lily; he betrayed Harry, Sirius, Remus, the Longbottoms - all of the Order. It's really good to hear that the dialogue works, as I do worry about that side of things.
It's a wonderful thing to find a friend with whom you click so perfectly. You're right, James and Sirius had that.
Thanks again for the review! Report Review
I started the story yesterday and I read 18 chapters out of 20, and now I finished them. I'm quite sad that I ran out of chapters to read and I'm anxious for the next one! I thought I should really the whole story first, so I could leave a review on the whole story, not just one chapter.
First of all, your writing is incredible. You have such a way with words that pulls you and keeps your attention until the end. Some authors overdo it sometimes but you don't. There's perfect amount of everything in your story and that's what makes it so great!
Your characterisation is just amazing, I have no words for it. I'm so envious of the way you've managed to capture Ron and Hermione and keep them just as they were in canon and even improve them and add more depth, in Ron's case. They are both so lovable and infuriating. You write their emotions in way that makes me relate to them, and hug them out of sheer sympathy and sadness or just smack them for being stubborn prats! As Harry said, who knows how many years it'll take them to get back together.
Okay, I simultaneously love mystery and loathe it because I just want to know everything from the start. I'm going crazy with my assumptions of who had done this to Hermione and Ron, and just like the popular opinion, I think it's Blaise and Pansy. Although I have a feeling it might be someone else. I don't know. I'm just going to stop before my imagination goes on an overdrive again and I run out of characters with my theories.
I love, love Ginny and Harry, and the Weasley's! You're just magnificent. Really, I have nothing else to tell you except that I kind of worship you now for writing this amazing story.
I just really can't wait for the next update, now that I've read everything, I have to wait anxiously and especially after this cliff-hanger.. you're kind of evil.
Anyway, I'm sorry if my review is a bit chaotic but it's really early and I still haven't drank my coffee. Keep writing amazing stuff like that and I might make you a shrine, or something. Don't be alarmed, though. I mean well. ;d
Well, this is all I had to say. Until the next update :) (which I hope is soon)Author's Response: Hi! I'm so happy you gave this story a chance and read it all so fast. You have no idea how thrilled I am that you liked the story so much. :) It's so great to get new readers, especially since this story lost so many. So thank you for this amazing review. It made me ecstatic when I read it.
All these characters mean so much to me and I try really hard to do them justice. With Ron more than with anyone else because he's always so under-appreciated in fanfiction. Thank you for noticing. You're great.
I'll try to update as soon as possible, but I'm swamped with school and exams right now, so it'll probably sometime in December. :) Harry and Ginny were great for me to write in this story. I was worried at first because I didn't really know how to write them, but they seemed to start just living through the words and so they have a much bigger role in the story than I originally planned for them.
Your review is absolutely wonderful and believe me when I say that it made my day and made me a very happy and bouncy person. Thanks so much once again. I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story. Report Review
That was pretty ballsy of June! Maybe I might start liking her... Report Review
June is just so hopeless!! Report Review
June is so frustrating and clueless, and brainless. Ugh, sorry. I mean, you've done a really good job developing her, and giving her, her own personality and soul, but ohmygod she just irks me. I'm more of a Priscilla kind of girl (that girl's my hero by the way, epic rants are epic rants) and June's undying optimism and blind, shallow feelings towards Albus just make me want to shake her and tell her to wake up, damn it.
Albus is such a git. I really like that you made him mean without giving him a sob story to explain his pratness. It makes him realistic, because there really are people out there that are just mean for the heck of it. I can be mean myself without a reason, although not to the extent Albus is.
Priscilla is just awesomeness. For real. I mean, I rarely fangirl over fanfiction characters, especially females, but she's just really brill. If she was a real person, she'd be my best friend, I swear.
Moving on to the next chapter now! Report Review
I really like your beginning. You OC looks promising and you've given her a great amount of spunk and sarcasm. I'm looking forward to seeing how this story progresses, it has a lot of potential. :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm trying really hard to complete the second chapter, but that's easier said than done. Anyway, thanks for the review! It means a bunch. (: Report Review
Hello! Well, you've got a nice beginning here. I like your writing style - you write well, especially dialogue, which is really important. Now, I mean no offense by saying this but the setting for your character is a bit cliche. Her being friends with Lily, Remus and Snape is a bit too much but I don't mind it. Also, her hatred for Sirius and James is a bit overused.
But, there is potential. A potential to be different, so I'd warn you against delving deeply into the cliches. I hope this story has more of a twist to it, something to make it more different than the others.
I quite like it, don't get me wrong. It's just me being a bit of a nitpicking twit. I'll check out the two other chapters ;) Good luck with your writing!Author's Response: Thank you for your comments; I'd love to hear what you thought of the other two chapters too! :)
I'm flattered that you think I write well; to be honest that chapter is one of my favourites.
I understand that you find it cliche that she's friends with Lily, Remus and Severus but that isn't permanent. That's all I'm saying on the matter ;) And I'll watch the Marauder-bashing, although you could put it down to teenage hormones making her feel extra-annoyed at the two of them...
Thank you for your advice; at the moment I'm not too sure where I'm headed with this story since it's been on hiatus for several months, but any suggestions on future events would be greatly appreciated! :) Report Review
First of all, your writing style is amazing. I could only wish to reach that level. The way you string your words and sentences together is just beautiful. Moreover the way you describe his feelings just makes him feel real, and the James part? Heartbreaking! I love the flashbacks, they felt really in-character and the Marauders dynamic is really well-written. I don't really have any critique. I love Sirius and you've managed to capture him in a way very few authors can (i'm afraid I'm not one of them, sadly.)
I could tell you my favourite parts, and stuff like that but seriously, it's better if I just say I really like it!
Sorry for my.. messy review, I'm really bad at them. ;d Anyway, I'm moving onto the second chapter :) Keep up the good work!Author's Response: Wow, thank you! It's always great to find an unexpected review waiting for me, but especially when it seems you enjoyed this chapter so much!
You're very kind, particularly to say that you enjoy my writing style.
I've always been too nervous to write Marauders before, but Sirius made it easy for me, and I'm glad you think I did a good job of capturing their dynamic!
Chapter 3 is now up - and 4 is on the way ;)
First; is Zoe a Hufflepuff or a Ravenclaw? Because I'm pretty sure in the summary it says she is a Ravenclaw. You might want to change that. :))
Also, this sentence: “I think it wants us to leave?”I said skeptically, not really understanding why the rat was attacked Evelyn’s leg.
Shouldn't it be better: "not really understanding why the rat had attacked Evelyn's leg." - My English is not the best but this sounds better to me.
On a more cheerful note, I like that you showed us her friends and her relationship with them. I like Evelyn, she sounds like someone I would get along with great. My request is that you make your chapters a bit longer but that's entirely up to you. I like where this is going, and I will return to read the next chapter when you post it.
Peace ;)Author's Response: Hello!
Zoe is infact a Ravenclaw, that is my bad :3 Little mistakes like these are slipping from me, i'll have to look a little bit more carefully while re-reading my work. Same goes to the sentence, yours does sound more correct then mine. I typed it wrong, instead of attacked it was supposed to be attacking - not pretence.
I'm glad you are liking it and I will of course be making my chapters longer in the near future! This week was crazy for my writing schedule since it was spirit week but I have the weekend to type something nice up and hopefull you'll enjoy it when I get around to posting it! Thanks for the review
xx Report Review
First of all; Sirius's room. I want it! Curse you for creating it - now I won't stop dreaming about it. I love that Sirius is protective of his bike. I love how she drives him crazy - it's so fun. They clash a lot, I think, and that's bound to give us some hilarious moments. You write the Marauders so wonderfully well, too.
And how you ended the chapter! Are you going to do that a lot? ;/
I love this story and I can't wait for the next update, so hurry up! ;d
Man, I really suck at reviewing. ;/Author's Response: I wanted it too when I first thought of it! I was like, gah, perfect, perfect, perfect. And then I cried because I knew I couldn't have it :'( *sniffle* Hehe :P
Yeah they definitely clash a lot ;) but I guess there's some chemistry in there too!!
& I honestly LOVE cliffhangers so maybe there will be a lot :P
However way you think you are at reviewing, I think you are amazing and love you for reviewing at all! :D Thank you!! Report Review
I hate to be a nitpicker but Slughorn was still a professor in the Marauders' era. Otherwise how would Lily be one of his all-time favourite students? Also, in the first chapter you said Rose's hair was cut to her chin but now she has long hair? Those mistakes are small and hardly noticeable, but I'll advise you against doing them. I don't want to insult you or anything because the story is good, and I like. I just don't understand why Zoe is so against having James as a friend?Author's Response: *insert facepalm* Oh my god, I don't even know how I forgot about Slughorn because Lily of course is the member of the SlugClub. I must have been tried while writing that one. The rose's hair is totally my mistake, I have been indecisive off of two models for her to base off of and one has short hair and the other has long hair - my bad! I'll have to take better time re-reading over my chapters. I'm glad you are enjoying the story so far! Zoe isn't really against having James as a friend, it's hard to explain so early on in the story it's just she is very used to her group of friends and the lifestyle she has so when James is brought into her life he changes it around a lot ( which you'll understand and see more of in future chapters ). Hopefully you'll continue to read the story, once again, thank you for stopping by to leave a review! xx Report Review
It's a nice start. I'm initially reserved towards stories whose main heroine is a quiet, unknown student but I will give your story a try. One thing though, James's eyes are hazel, not green. Harry takes his eyes from his mother. It a bit of a pet peeve of mine to see something like that messed up.
Well, this is it. I'm off read chapter two.Author's Response: So nice to actually here from someone! I was beginning to get frustrated - not hearing anyone reviewing. Don't worry, the story will get better once I have time to really write out the chapters. My mistake :o I'm sorry, I tried to be accurate with things but i'm not perfect and I don't know a lot about the marauders era. Thank you so much for something by to leave a review ! xx Report Review
Awww, who would've thought Maia to be that concerned with other people's feelings? Your characterization of the Marauders continues to be awesomely fantastic and I'm on my way of falling in love with your story. I'm glad you've finished writing it, because that means we'll get frequent updates and there will be no danger of this being abandoned.
I don't have anything to say about grammatical errors or anything because my grammar is far from perfect. The story flows well, and I enjoy reading your dialogue a lot, since it's so witty.
I can't wait for the next update. Cliff hangers are cruel thing, woman!! (You're a woman, right? o.O)Author's Response: Haha! Hi again!!
I know! Maia has her quirky, little ways :P I finished writing it so quickly because I was so excited about it! But that said, I will need some advice from people because rushed stories generally need a lot more improvement :P
Thank you SO much for leaving another review! & Yes, I am a woman :P Report Review
You should really put paragraphs. I find it annoying to read when everything is stuck together like that. I don't mean to be rude or anything. It seems interesting enough but you should work on your formating. Also, you should correct Regulus' name in your summary - usually when I see that a character's name is mispelled in the summary, I avoid to read the story all together.Author's Response: Thanks for the tip! I'll change those things!
Bratty girls! They are always a lot of fun to write! You started off well, and I like your writing style. I like the dynamic between Sirius and James, even though we don't see that much of it, and I live how you've portrayed Remus as well. I hope you continue the story and don't abandon it like some people like to do.
This is all! I'll be returning for the second chapter. :))Author's Response: I know! I've noticed that when I've been writing my OCs! Their words just come rolling out when I'm writing them!
You'll be seeing a lot more of Sirius and James in the next chapter so don't worry about that :D
& you know what, I'm writing the last chapter of this story right now. So it won't be abandoned :D
I'd like to say THANK YOU for leaving a review. I've been checking all day to see if this story's been reviewed on yet (i'm quite excited about this one; finishing it in a week must be saying something!), so I was quite thrilled to find that somebody's commented on it!
Aww, poor Jen. I think we all can relate to her. I think Jen and I will get along just fine - if she was, you know, a real human being - cause we're both kind of dramatic. I love your writing style and I love how you didn't make Jen absolutely abhor Sirius. It's something fresh. The formating is good but it'll get better when you don't have to skip so many things.
I like how you made Lily and Jen friends. It's really realistic. Girl power! I can list all of the things I love in this story, but I think it will take less space if I just told you that I love your story as a whole. Keep up the good work and I can't wait for the next chapter.Author's Response: yay! im so glad that Jen is relatable!
i figured that it was time that there is a change from a girl who "hates" sirius like how lily "hates" and then they get together.
that storyline is a little old for me, and considering Jen is James's cousin, I didn't think that would quite fit in so well.
im so glad that you like it!
the next update is in the process of being editted, which shld be in the queue very soon!
thanks so much for R+R! (: Report Review
Daw, I'm sad this is a one-shot. Tom Riddle is a creepy kid. Lily is curious but with parents and grandparents like that it's not much of a surprise. Good job - adding this to my favourites :)Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked it :) Thanks for reviewing, too! Report Review
Although your writing is very good, I just find it hard to believe that Harry, of all people, will shun his daughter for being a squib. I just don't seen it happening. Anyways, good luck with your story.Author's Response: Thank you.
Harry is harder to explain. It's not as much that he shuns Lily because she's a squib- which is what she thinks- but Lily is a difficult person. She tries to lay the blame for things on other people. Harry doesn't hate her. And neither does Ginny. Lily wants them to hate her, because she thinks that would be so much easier then anything else. Harry and Ginny are problematic because they don't know what to do with Lily. She's their daughter, but she's also the only squib in the family. And they might know plenty of muggle things, but it's hard to parent someone who's bitter about the fact that you have magic and she doesn't. And Lily tries to push Harry and Ginny away.
And I just typed a paragraph. :) Anyhow, thank you very much for the review. Report Review
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