Reading Reviews From Member: DumbledoresArmyOfOne
  
181 Reviews Found

Review #26, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneFood Fight!: Food Fight.

20th October 2013:
Hah! This was a really funny story.
I like your characterization of Fred and George... they're so mischievous! Imagine getting hit in the face with mashed potatoes... how messy.

It seems like you have a whole Thanksgiving dinner flying around the great hall: stuffing, salad... I half expected someone to chuck a whole turkey!

You may want to watch your capitalization and punctuation. There were a few strangely structured sentences that could probably be combined, for example here: "Younger student were crawling under tables. Trying not to get crushed by older students." that would probably flow a little more nicely as one full sentence.

Fred and George continue to be hilarious- they started that food fight easy as pie, and they're absolutely nuts!

I can just imagine McGonagall's face at the end too: all sour like she'd been sucking on lemons :D

I like this little story a lot, it was loads of fun to read!
~Gilly

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Review #27, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneHarry Potter and the Boy Who Lived: Part 1 - 1981. Chapter 1 - Mr and Mrs Dursley and the Flying Motorbike

19th October 2013:
I love this chapter!
It's so interesting to see what would happened if Harry's and Neville's roles were reversed- I ever thought of the effect it might have on Sirius' life, but I love how you've spun that.

Petunia's characterization is also perfect in this chapter! I love how initially she'd unpleasant, but there is still that side of her that loves her sister. I think that's perfect.

Finally, Vernon was perfectly entitled and obnoxious and you did a wonderful job of portraying his self-importance.

Wonderful first chapter! It was a pleasure to read :)
~Gilly

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Review #28, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneCursed: The Tale of Mrs. Norris: The Three Broomsticks

17th October 2013:
Hi! So this is such an original story.
I love how you've taken this crotchety old man and imagined a past for him. It's hard for me to ever think of Filch being young, let alone handsome and in love.
You have a really lovely imagination for creating this whole background to a character most people only think of as a cantankerous old codger, and it's so cool to see your story behind Mrs. Norris' unusual name.
Great start to a story!
~Gilly

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Review #29, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneCareful What You Wish For: The Dementor on the Train

16th October 2013:
Hey Courtney! So sorry I took so long to review - feel free to give me a kick over PM if it ever happens again!

I really enjoyed this chapter! The writing continues to be good and I like how we get to see a bit more of the relationship between Dani and Kat, and Brandon and Oliver, to an extent. I really like Penny's character!

I do wish we'd got to hear more about Angus- I think he only spoke once during the chapter and I'd like to be properly introduced to his character. hopefully that comes up soon!

For CC, I'd just like to mention that Marcella acts a bit young for 9. I don't know, that could just be the way she is, but whining and saying 'mummy' seems a bit juvenile for a nine year old. One more thing is that there wasn't much lingering on the dementor. Maybe a bit more description of what it made them feel like. I do love how she feels comforted by a full compartment though, that bit was very realistic.

To wrap things up, I'll just say I loved the WWN part at the beginning of the chapter! Poor Dolly, indeed.

Great job, yet again!
~Gilly

Author's Response: Hey Gilly! No problem, I'm not exactly the best person to apologise to about lateness, as I am seriously one of the laziest people to ever exist. Which is probably a tad overdramatic but that's okay!

I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter, and liked Penny's character - and you will get to know Angus more, he's just very quiet!

I think I've had that comment once before, so I will definitely have to consider going and altering that, thanks for pointing that out!

Thanks for the great review!

Courtney:)


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Review #30, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneThe Seams: They Bring Me To You

16th October 2013:
Hello again!
I'm sorry I took a dreadfully long time. I sometimes let real life distract me from the fact that I have a review thread. Feel free to give me a nudge over PM if it happens again!

I'm so glad you keep requesting as it gives me an excuse to tell you everything I love about your story :)

I love the snapshot of Eileen at work: so many things, each meticulous and demanding precision, perfectly controlled, simultaneously. It really helps us appreciate Eileen's talent, power and concentration and I think it's a beautiful portrait of her character. My only CC for that paragraph is that you used the word several a couple of times in a row, which sounded a bit odd to me.

Finally the introduction of the mysterious Tobias Snape! The paragraph about his eyes gave me (and Eileen, apparently) shivers. Beautiful description there.

I adore Lorraine! She's so wonderfully cheerful and chirpy and anxious and the contrast against Eileen's slightly melancholy, but content life is fantastic.

One of my favourite things about how this story is written are the pops of colour you write into it. All in all, it's a story that I see in varying shades of grey, perfect for the tone, so it makes the bits of colour: Eileen's cheerful room, Hannah's love for her husband, Lorraine's bouncy hair, seem even more startling and bright.

I'm so intrigued as to what Tobias Snape will be like. I can't help but feel like he walked into Eileen's life and brought a storm along with him.

Another fantastic chapter. Keep doing what you're doing :)
~Gilly

Author's Response: Hello Gilly, darling! No, no, don't you worry about it! You'll find that I'm a very patient woman. I, however, would like to apologize for taking so long to respond to this review.

Yay, I'm glad you like coming back! Sometimes I feel bad because I ask for reviews and don't consider if the reader/reviewer actually likes my story or not.

Thank you so much for noticing that! Eileen is such a complex character and I want that to show through as much as possible without becoming tedious. I put a lot of effort into making her a realistic characters (sometimes I talk about her as if she's real :P). Thank you for pointing that out - those are the kinds of things that escape my notice sometimes.

Ah yes, Tobias, that wonderfully intriguing man. I can't wait for you to see more of him.

Lorraine is fabulous and I love writing her. I like to think of her as a 50s version of Luna. Quirky, but insightful.

You're so perceptive and it makes me so happy that you notice those little pops of color. I put so much time and effort into writing this story and I appreciate it so much when readers appreciate the little things that I do.

Oh he has, don't worry. It will seem all wonderful and dandy, but eventually, there's going to be many, many problems.

Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I always love your feedback :)

Shelby


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Review #31, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneGravel on the Ground: From the Ashes: Chapter 1

7th October 2013:
Hey!

As intriguing as your epilogue was, this didn't clarify much for me, which is exactly as it should be. There are some interesting snippets that just barely give us some insight: the recollection of the McLauchlin family, which McGonagall recalls with obvious fondness. I'm wondering if this is a connection from McGonagalls Hogwarts days, or even before that? The scottish name makes me think there's a connection, but I could be reading in too much.

Ms. Ophelia Oddsocks is perfectly wonderful. I love her mannerisms, the knitting traps, her odd expressions and above all her unlikely friendship with our favourite straightlaced professor- perfect touch of humour to work against the gloominess of the first chapter.

As exciting as this chapter was, I do think that you overused the exclamation mark just a bit. Once we get three in a paragraph, they begin to lose their punch. Punctuation, spelling and grammar were otherwise wonderful, which is always nice :)

My favourite part of this chapter was the international floo idea. Fantastic creativity! From the little witch in the fire place to that extra handful of floo powder, your ideas seemed canon. So perfect! I want to ask you if I can use it in a story i'm working on :) it involves a lot of floo travel so I'm always on the lookout for great ideas. (If you'd let me use it and credit you that would be awesome :)

Anyways, self-servingness aside, I loved this second chapter- it was refreshingly light compared to the first and I'm glad to see some new characters. Good luck with your anti-nano :)
~Gilly

Author's Response: Hi there! Sorry I'm so terribly slow responding to this. Been working really hard on real life stuff this month so I could be caught up and ready to go to work writing in November. Meant I got behind on review responses though.

I was a little worried at first when I started reading this, that you weren't liking the mystery of it all, but then I read on and I'm good now. LOL. And I know I'm being very vague in this story right now so I'm glad you like the pace.

There might be a small Scottish connection to McGonagall, but probably in a different way than you are thinking.

Yeah, I'm glad you like Mrs. Oddsocks! She was so much fun to create! Honestly, if I had know how much people would end up liking her, I might have figured out a way to include her more.

I honestly hadn't noticed my exclamation mark use, but you are probably very right. Sometimes I get carried away, and then when I'm editing I just don't notice something like that. I will very much try to keep an eye on that bad habit in the future.

How is the Floo idea coming along in your fic? I'm still very honored you wanted to you use it. :)

And thank you so much for a wonderful review again! Think my anti-nano will be coming to an end in time I can do real nano as a rebel. I'm so excited! I've been working so hard on real life stuff so I could be caught up and ready to go. Now I'm just excited to write!

Thanks again! Hope you catch your thread again another time to see what you think of later chapters.


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Review #32, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneA Boy Bitten: Truth or Lies

5th October 2013:
Hello there! I'm finally here wit your requested review ;)

I really liked the idea of this story: the lies parents tell to their children to protect them, and I think you pulled it off quite elegantly.

Little Remus was adorable, and really well characterized- I like how we see the traits we know he has as an adult in their immature form: the magical beasts for each letter of his name, the curiosity, the bravery (or recklessness) that led to his accident. You portrayed him really well, I think.

Your story wasn't that scary or creepy until near the end, so If that was what you were going for, you may want to foreshadow the accident even a little more, right from the beginning (maybe a warning from Lyall to Hope at the beginning of the day?)

Finally, I loved the Truth or Lies? and how you crafted the story around those little lies we tell. I love how you foreshadowed the accident here: Lies - "Mum and Dad will be tired tonight. We can look at it tomorrow, promise." The truth, that a ferocious beast was angry at Lyall and had a reputation for killing children, would have terrified Remus. It was best to save him with lies. Of course it isn't best- that's the truth that could have saved him, if hope had been brave enough to tell it. And at the end where Remus is the one lying! I loved that, as it shows how his condition forced him to mature so much more quickly. I think that last line is pure Remus, and I love it!

Just a reminder to read over your chapter maybe once more- there were a few weirdly formed sentences and misspelled or omitted words that you can easily fix.

Fantastic one shot! I really enjoyed it :)
~Gilly

Author's Response: Hi Gilly!

Your review is pretty awesome and I'd like to respond with a hug but that's kind of hard to do via a review response. It makes me really super happy that you liked how I pulled together bits of Remus' personailty and made it more childlike.

I like your idea for inserting the scariness earlier. I have quite a few items I want to add to weave in more scary/creepy parts. I'll definitely do a quick grammar/readability scrub too! Thanks for pointing that out.

^_^ I have to say I was the most nervous about the Truth r Lies bit. One because I pieced together the poem on my own and two because I was worried that it was too disconnectetd from the plot. I am glad it connected well for you. I've thought about expanding this into a short story series and looking at Remus in the hospital, his first transformation, and making a friend after becoming a werewolf with the same Truth or Lies theme.


Thank you so much for such an awesome review! I really appreciate both the CC and praise!

-Rose


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Review #33, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneDetox: A Break with the Past

23rd September 2013:
Whew! I've been on a Detox marathon for the past couple of nights and you leave THIS as the last chapter. Oh dear, I'm not sure how I'll survive until the next update!

That was probably the best fight scene I've read on this site. Your characterization of Narcissa is so perfect - she's probably my favourite character. Calm, cool and collected, as well as resourceful and deadly. What a woman.

I especially love the line where Narcissa said that if Bellatrix had received that particular heirloom, she would have burned down the whole island.

I love the way you portray Draco as toeing the line. Alcoholic, unstable and with a truly deadly temper, he's also powerful and you've included these redeeming factors that are impossible to ignore. His dedication to his family, his determination and love for his family (and Astoria of course) make him impossible to dismiss as corrupted, without letting us forget his fatal flaws.

But back to my outrage... how could you leave us with a cliffhanger like that? I'll have gone mad by the next update, I really will.

Please continue to be fantastic.
~Gilly

Author's Response: Hi, there!

Sorry about the cliffhanger. Originally, this chapter was supposed to have extended to cover Draco's big showdown with Gamp and the others, but it was already getting long and I had to cut it off somewhere. I'm working on the next one, which should be a doozy!

I'm really glad that you liked the fight scene. They're some of my favorite things to write! I think Narcissa has survived far too much by this point to get flustered in the face of a bunch of rank amateurs like Flint and Goyle. Once she feels like Draco and Lucius have the situation under control for a moment, she digs into her bag of old Black family relics and unleashes a dose of nasty on the conspirators.

Draco has been riding the ragged edge for the past couple of chapters, but things have started to come together in his head at this point. If only he can keep that head attached to his shoulders, he should be in good shape.

I promise to try to turn the next chapter around a bit more quickly, although I feel like work is about to throw me a major curve. We shall see...

Thanks for reading and reviewing!


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Review #34, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneWhere The Dust Blows: Crossing Lines

23rd September 2013:
Nadia! Oh my goodness, this story. You break my heart girl, what have you done to my darling Neville?

Okay, so this is one of the most original stories I've seen in a long time. So much mystery and intrigue! I love it!

This Edward, though. He seems eerily similar to a certain metamorphmagus son of a werewolf that we all know and love- don't think I didn't catch Garoux- as in loup-garoux, french for werewolf... sneaky, sneaky, sneaky.

Okay, so you just dropped that bombshell on us! Harry's dead? Neville killed him? Wat?

The writing is wonderful- crazy good descriptions, I love the bit about Neville's garden ( I love how you've kept some of his defining characteristics, even while changing his fundamental 'side' of good/evil). This seems like a really complex personality you've got going here- with the evident darkness, but still with those elements of light from our original Neville.

I'm so excited to see where this goes!

Amazing chappie!
~Gilly

Author's Response: Gilly!

I honestly don't even know what I've done to Neville.. It's okay, he's still awesome and everything. Just not as.. clean.

I think the challenge I wrote this for really pushed me to be original and forced me to make it as mysterious.

Wait, what? WHOA. THAT IS SO COOL. It means werewolf??? Interesting... Now I feel like changing my plot so it'll fit your theory! :P I was actually going for the type of flower a Garou is.. or am I? ;) You'll have to read and see.

Yes, Harry Potter's dead. I know.

I tried to make this new Neville as believable but also different so I'm so glad you conceived it positively.

Thanks so much for this dear! You are truly wonderful!


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Review #35, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneLemonworld: Sugary and Lukewarm

22nd September 2013:
I think a pocket sized Scorpius would be a lucrative product if you were to sell it say, on the side of the road.

Oh gosh, I nearly spat out my drink when he headbutted Lucy! he's ridiculous and I love it. I can't wait for the next chapter.

I'm so happy we finally got to see some one on one puddle of awkward interaction- it always makes me smile.

Can't wait for more ridiculousness! Loved the chapter.
~Gilly

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Review #36, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneLemonworld: The Christmas Spirit

22nd September 2013:
This story continues to make me laugh out loud. I just love how terribly, cripplingly awkward both Lucy and Scorpius are. A conversation between those two would probably make ME want to eat my shirt!

The epic of Barb and Greg is definitely an exciting prospect. I can't wait to see the rest of their boring and vaguely obnoxious lives ;)

Great chapter, again!
~Gilly

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Review #37, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneLemonworld: Puberty Blues

22nd September 2013:
Oh dear. Lucy continues to be rather tragic, doesn't she? Her friends seem to suit her very well - unsupportive and a bit hopeless. I think it's great.

I can't wait to see what Scorpius is like- he's coming off as extremely strange and having 'inept social ability'. Maybe he'll stop hiding soon and we can get a good look at him.

Love the chapter!
~Gilly

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Review #38, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneLemonworld: No Wine for Lucy

22nd September 2013:
Hey, I really like this chapter! Your characterization of Percy made me want to shout at him, which is pretty much what canon Percy inspired in me, so you're on the right path there ;)

I like Lucy a ton already- she seems realistic. Her life didn't magically come together after graduating hogwarts, it's a bit useless actually, and she's nowhere near perfect, so I like being able to see those flaws that make her unique.

It's really funny so far! Great first chapter.
~Gilly

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Review #39, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneIn Sickness And In Health: The Battle

21st September 2013:
Hi Gracie! I'm here from my review page to give you some feedback on your story!

So this was an extremely dramatic opening chapter! It's interesting how you've swung the battle of Hogwarts to be so different from canon! I like this different premise, but I feel as if you need a bit more introduction and description, especially in the opening paragraph, in order to familiarize the readers with your personal universe. While the chapter was epic, I did feel a bit lost as to the background information regarding the trio- if this disregards DH, why aren't they at school? Where were they before they went to hogwarts?

There was some really good dialogue in here- I especially liked Kingsley's speech before the battle began. It was really well worded and inspirational. One thing I might suggest for you to look over is your pacing. I understand that the quick pacing reflects how fast everything happened in the battle, but I feel as if more detail could be attributed, especially concerning Hermione's feelings in the Malfoy encounter.Also, I was shocked that Harry used the killing curse - this seemed very OOC considering what we know from canon - that he didn't even use Avada Kedavra on Voldemort himself. I'm wondering if that is going anywhere? Will he suffer from guilt or PTSD because of his uncharacteristic actions? I'm interested to see where that goes.

What an ending! Such an evil cliffhanger for the first chapter - what the heck happened to them? I'm really excited to find out!

So I really liked this first chapter and I hope that maybe some of my feedback will help you out. I did notice a few spelling and grammar errors, so you may want to give this a read through or find a quick beta.

Great story, hope you find something in this drabble useful :)
~Gilly

Author's Response: Hi Gilly! Thank you so much for reviewing! I am sorry it's taken me so long to respond. I really do appreciate these! :P

I am glad you enjoyed this chapter! This was by far my weakest chapter, so I am really glad you enjoyed it :) I am looking into including more information and description into this, as I have had many comments about lack of placement and information. So will definitely look into that, and the questions on the trio :)

I was worried about the pacing of this. I felt like I had rushed through, just trying to get to the battle scene and running through details that are important, so will look into that also :)

I have had a few comments about Harry- I am ooing and ahhing about getting rid of it. It comes together in the end but I do know that it makes many unsettled... I'll look into it.

Hehe! Cliffhangers are my thing! I promise there won't be many more. *sly grin*

Your review helped immensely, really! I have had my beta look over this, but there is a lot more I want to do on this chapter than then others so I am taking longer to re-edit and put it back up on here. A new one with changes and more detail/information and better grammar will be up soon! :P

Again, this really was helpful. Thank you :)

Grace :D


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Review #40, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneGravel on the Ground: From the Ashes: Prologue

11th September 2013:
Hey there!
I'm so, so sorry that this review is so late! I haven't had time to read in a long while.

This is quite the project you've taken on! I can't wait to see how this epic plays out - you have an excellent hook here as far as grabbing my attention goes.

Your writing is very, very good - it seems like you've taken a lot of time to make each sentence and description count - you don't waste words or overdo anything, it's very streamlined. I really enjoy the pacing - it's deliberate without being plodding, and just slow enough that we aren't disoriented, being plunged into this very different world.

Two things I noticed right off the bat. Number one, is tis girl has obviously led a very, very hard life- I'm not just talking about living on the streets and going without food. What mostly struck me is that her immediate reaction to a strange voice is fear, even panic. The insight on people only being nice if they got something in return was also surprising, as well as the sheer loneliness of someone who's only companionship comes from an alley cat.

The second thing is that this girl has a reason to be afraid of magic. When the old woman (cat animagus? Surely it's not McGonagall, with a flamingo hat) pulled out her wand, the girl had both seen one before and was afraid of it. This makes me really curious about her past.

I could go on, but I realize I've rambled for far too long. Fabulous firs chapter- you're a really talented writer!
~Gilly

Author's Response: I TOTALLY understand the not having time to read thing so don't even worry about it. Really.

I know. I'm insane, aren't I. What on earth am I thinking? Glad I've at least hooked you with the start. If I'm going to be writing an epic, it's nice to have readers along for the ride.

Wow, thank you so much! I do try to make my writing the best it can be, although I'll admit to the occasional "fine, stay that way, I'm done editing" moment. I did work hard on the pacing in this chapter. I wanted to grab readers, but not reveal to much at the same time. So, thanks!

You are a very perceptive reader! The two things you mention are very much both things I was trying to imply, but not a lot of readers have noticed them quite as well as you did. She does have a lot of fear for strangers, for many reasons. And of magic as well. (More on the old woman in the next chapter, promise.)

Aw, I don't mind the rambling, never. And, it didn't seem rambling to me! This was a wonderful review and I'm so glad I asked you!

Thanks so much!
- Farmgirl


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Review #41, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneThe Seams: Passing Afternoon

11th September 2013:
Hi Shelby!

So sorry for the long wait- it has been too long since I've had time to read :/

This second chapter is, in a word surprising. I love how you've unbalanced us all by putting in such a pleasant, ordinary life into this chapter after such dark and ominous first chapter. It's nice to be kept on our toes.

Eileen seems a pleasant, ordinary woman, and I love that the characterization belies the dark family history- you only put in a few hints here and there- about people being reluctant to ask about her father and brother, for one.

I'm very curious to see how this story will play out- so far, I love the characters, I'm interested and engaged and everything flows wonderfully. In fact, the only thing I have to say about this chapter is that I believe Prewett is spelled incorrectly once or twice.

I like Viola a lot, I'd love to see more of her later on, so I hope her character pops up again :)

Apart from fantastic juxtaposition and great characters, the other thing I loved about this chapter is the present tense. Telling the story this way really helps to build the suspense, because events are happening to Eileen at the same time as they happen to us. We'e all in the same boat, so to speak (except for you, typing and cackling at whats in store for us ;) )

Again, consistently fabulous writing, I'm so glad you re-requested to remind me of this story - I'll certainly keep on reading and reviewing.
~Gilly

Author's Response: Hi Gilly! So glad to see you here again!

Yay - I like that you're surprised. I don't like how often times a character is put in these fantastical situations. It's so overdone! Granted, Harry Potter is like that, but at the same time there is such a natural, normal sense. That's what I'm going for here.

Really glad you like Eileen's characterization. I love her, love her, love her. She's my favorite character. I want to do her justice. All my readers seem to be enjoying her. Yay, you noticed the hints! :D

Thank you - that means a lot to me. Oh yes, thank you. I need to fix that!

Viola will pop up again. She'll be a minor character, but you will see her again.

Haha, yes, I am over hear just laughing because I know and everyone else doesn't. It's so terrible, yet so fun! :P

Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I hope you continue to enjoy the story as you keep reading! ♥


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Review #42, by DumbledoresArmyOfOnePicking Up the Pieces: Loss

2nd September 2013:
Hey there! I'm finally, finally here with your requested review. I'm so sorry that it took so long!

Wow, this is such an exciting first chapter! Your first sentence had me hooked and the whole chapter followed seamlessly.

I can't even think of anything to critique- stylistically, it worked, characterization so far is limited but good, descriptions and imagery were fantastic- I loved the bit about the murderous flames devouring the house, it really painted a picture in my head.

There really isn't much more that I can say, other than congratulating you on a fantastic opening chapter- I can't wait to see what happens next!
~Gilly

Author's Response: Thank you very much! No worries about the wait :)

I was going more for imagery in this chapter due to limited dialogue, but you'll get to see more of what I can do in the next chapters :)

Thank you for the review!


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Review #43, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneHarry Potter and the Curse of the Incas (Book 8): Where to from here?

2nd September 2013:
Hey there! I'm here, after an embarrassingly long wait, with your requested review.

This is such a perfect opening chapter! You said in your request that you were trying to imitate Jo, and I think you definitely succeeded. Your writing here has the same clear, cut and dried flavour as hers, and I'm really impressed at the maturity of the emotions that Harry feels. Your characterization of Harry, Hagrid and Bill was perfect.

This was a very good introduction- the setting and characters and events of the chapter seem almost canon. I do think that perhaps Hermione's issues with her parents were resolved too quickly. It seemed like a problem that went to deep to be solved with one conversation, and it seems like something that would come back and haunt her, instead of her agreeing to leave for Australia right away- I don't know, it just seemed a bit sudden.

Your grammar and spelling are impeccable, fantastic descriptions and all in all a great way to start what I'm sure will be a fantastic story.

Keep up the fabulous work!
~Gilly

Author's Response: Hi Sorry for the delay in getting back to you but thankyou so much for the lovely review!
I appreciate the comment about Hermiones issues - it is rushed through a little. I am not sure that it is something I will go back and change just now. I may add a prologue at some point in time, and if I do, I may then pad that out a little, but I think that your feedback in that regard will be of more use in improving that type of issues writing in the future (which is what I really want to get out of reviews - ways to improve!
I really appreciate all the positives in the review, so thankyou very much.
-Anthea


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Review #44, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneRules on Loving a "Muggle": Reunion and Pranks on the Train

22nd July 2013:
Oh, I really like where this story is going! Your writing is pretty good, although a few typos made me laugh ;) (I'm getting creped out- makes me think of Lexi being cooked like a crepe)

Nothing a quick read through or maybe a Beta wouldn't clean up though.
Great chapter! I like when they fooled James- that was funny. Also using the word deflowered as applies to Albus makes me giggle.

Author's Response: Ha, thanks. I am actually going through the whole story right now to clean it up.
when it comes to "deflowered" it was to more symbolize Lexis almost shyness and innocence as apposed to later when she calls it for what it is, but yes it also made me giggle too. thanks for reviewing
xx


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Review #45, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneRadio War: I, Ciara Jordan

14th July 2013:
Hi, DumbledoresArmyOfOne here from my review thread.

I really love the idea for this story. Ciara (is that pronounced like Kiara or Sierra?) seems like a really nice person- very motivated and hardworking, and I really like the way you write her.

The radio show is excellent- I love the Quidditch talk (just so you know, it's Appleby Arrows, not Apple Arrows ;) and Holmes seems like a riot. I'd love to see more of the show and all of the people who work on it!

Your characterization is very good, and you covered a lot of basic info here that is essential to a good opening paragraph. I'm excited to read more, which is always a good sign.

Is English your first language? Some of your syntax seems a little off, as if you're used to speaking french or spanish. Your writing is very good, and I think a Beta would help to clean up the little mistakes.

Things I'd love to see more of: Lily, Ciara's parents, some more descriptive writing. All in all, a great start! Keep on writing :)
~Gilly

Author's Response: Thanks for the review :)
Well, the Ciara is pronounced as Keira in the story and I used C instead of K is because I think it's cool and it is also Irish.

I really loved the idea of her being a radio host and she is a daughter of Jordan and Spinnet so she has to be a quiditch fan too.

Thanks for the Appleby I would correct it.

I am looking for a beta as I know I make silly mistakes and English is not my first language but I am trying to learn it my best.
The next chapter would be up soon. Hope I get a beta reader soon.


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Review #46, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneFinal Call: Final Call

13th July 2013:
This is a really interesting spin on the travel prompt, and I'm really impressed at the depth of character you managed to give such a universally disliked person in such a short bit of writing. It was rather heartbreaking, that ending, to see how unhappy Petunia is. Also, the Travel Book was such a marvelous idea, and it makes me so sad to think about all those empty pages, that neither of them could fill.
Congratulations on writing a wonderful story. you should be really proud of this piece!
~Gilly

Author's Response: I was going for something different, and I'm actually impressed that this turned out the way it did. I was worried. Writing Petunia was a bigger undertaking than I really understood. Oh...goodness...the pages neither of them could fill. *Sob* What a way to put that. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story; thanks for reviewing!

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Review #47, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneCareful What You Wish For: Brothers and Sisters

10th July 2013:
Oh my! Could it be true?
Finally. A story where people can be competitive and still not hate eachother with the passion of a thousand burning lightbulbs!

Your characters seem interesting so far. It's nice to see people who are very passionate- yet all about different things. This was a good opening chapter, it really introduced the characters well, and was quite well written.

I didn't notice any grammar or spelling errors, which is always lovely, and it seems like it could be an exciting read.

It definitely has the 'I want to read more' quality. Keep writing, I can't wait to see where this goes!
(excellent summary by the way ;)
~Gilly (from DumbledoresArmyOfOne's review thread)

Author's Response: Hey there!

Yes! It is true! I have read so many stories where two people hate each other with a passion and are super competitive with each other, whether it be about Quidditch, dating, girls, boys, studying or something completely different! So I decided to change it up a little.

I'm glad my characters seem interesting to you - and I'm also glad you reckon I introduced them well, as there is a lot more to come!

Thank you so much for the lovely review, I'll definitely be requesting again (if that's okay)

Courtney:)


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Review #48, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneOf Dragons and Daring: Welcome to Romania

10th July 2013:
Yay! I adore Rolf/Luna ( well, really just anything with Luna).
Characterizing Luna is probably one of the hardest things out there for a HPFF writer, so I salute you for taking her on. usually, I see Luna as being over-done as far as quirkiness goes, but you didn't do that at all. It seems realistic to me that as she grows older, Luna would mature a bit, and maybe tone down the eccentricities. I think you might be able to add a little more quirkiness to her character though, if you were so inclined. Maybe an aside about obscure dragon mythology, or perhaps odd protective clothing.

You mentioned that you might continue this story (which I think is a fantastic idea), so maybe a few more oddities could emerge in chapters to come. I do like her little remark here, it seems very Luna: 'Sounds like the sort to have a good singing voice, she observed'.

I absolutely loved the passage from the book (nice nod to canon with the titles :) and your Charlie was wonderful. (I actually included him in my own House Cup entry, he's probably my favourite Weasley).

I love how you made Luna an intelligent character. It drives me mad when people portray her as quirky and ditzy- no, she's a Ravenclaw, she's inquisitive and intelligent, so thank you for showing that!

I also like all the little details in here- dragon names, the eggs, capers with a side of dragon trainers and the like. Your writing flows really well, it was a really enjoyable story and I think it would do well as a multi-chap.
I hope you write more, as I'd love to read it!
~Gilly (from DumbledoresArmyOfOne's Review thread)

Author's Response: Ugh, she was so hard to write, and I agree that I needed to find a few more places to insert some quirks in order to really get her down. I'm happy to hear that you felt like her characterization made sense given her maturity and that you noticed my few subtle attempts at quirk, like the comment about Rolf seeming the type to be a decent singer.

I do think the story is asking to be continued and perhaps that will allow me more opportunities to get into the nitty gritty of Luna's character. It's great that you also feel like more chapters would be beneficial :)

Yeah, I tend to pull from canon a lot, particularly in my writing over the past year. I prefer to use canon characters and ideas, so that's obviously where the books came from. I'm glad you liked my Charlie and the book passage--that was all mine and it was so fun.

I have trouble imagining Luna as being ditzy, and I agree that it's silly to conclude that quirkiness and intelligence can't coexist. Hopefully I made Ravenclaw proud with this story :)

Thanks for your very lovely review!

-Amanda


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Review #49, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneNot Normal: {Chapter the First}

7th July 2013:
Hello! You requested a review in my thread recently(ish), and told me to be very critical, so that I will be. This is a really interesting premise for a story, it reminds me a bit of the mediator series, but with wizards of course.

Your writing is really good, you create excellent dialogue that I could see actually happening (nobody bellowed all the time or anything). I did feel like this chapter was pretty dialogue heavy, especially for a first chapter. I'm a fan of 'show, don't tell', but readers still need some sort of introduction to settings and characters before they can be comfortable with a story.

You had a couple of paragraphs talking about setting, and a few sentences about characters, but I got the sense that the thoughts were a bit unorganized. In some places, it felt like you had broken up the story into little pieces that didn't quite fit together properly, so I would recommend reading over your transitions, as some of them were a little awkward.

Also, your paragraphs were quite choppy, only one or two sentences on average, which, while being a little easier on the eyes on a computer screen, sort of gives the story an insubstantial, choppy feeling.

I really like Ellie's internal voice- she's quite witty and funny, and I even laughed out loud at some points. I feel like you know her quite well, and I like her dynamic with the other characters. I'm also a fan of her great-grandmother. That scene was really nice and well written.

Be careful about falling into the first person trap- don't forget about your secondary characters, they need development too!

On that note, I'm just wondering why exactly Ellie and Albus don't like each other. I'm all for tension between characters, and you don't have to tell me the reason, but I've read too many stories where authors implant these emotions in their characters simply to move the plot along, so make sure there's some solid reasoning behind her feelings.

Please don't get the impression that I didn't like your story, I really do, I'm just offering my (hopefully) constructive criticism.
Great first chapter! I hope to see more of this story.
~Gilly

Author's Response: Hello, Gilly!

Haha! I must admit that the Mediator series was probably an influence! I read them so long ago, but I remember them being really cool! And of course, everything is cooler with wizards!

Thanks for the suggestions! I'll definitely try to work some more description into it - I agree - first chapters should have more description, but I'm scared of writing it, so I must admit to chickening out!

I agree with you about some of the transitions. I read over this chapter, and just frown at its ridiculousness sometimes!

I'm really scared of doing that to my secondary characters! I've already done it in another story of mine, so that's something that I want to be super careful about! Thanks for the reminder!

There is a reason, but I didn't want to reveal everything in the first chapter, you know what I mean? I'm not a fan of characters hating each other just for the sake of hating each other, and I don't want this to happen to these two!

I didn't get that impression at all! I thought you were very helpful and I really appreciate you taking the time out to offer your thoughts on this! Thanks so much!


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Review #50, by DumbledoresArmyOfOneThe Elementals: The Shae

30th June 2013:
Don't worry about knowing what to do - you're a writer, so you get to make up your own rules!

This is a very interesting AU. The Elementals are a really cool idea (i really like the Shae's names!) and Divina seems quite nice for being the personification of death.

One thing I'm not really sure about it Rose's characterization. It wouldn't hurt to dwell a little more on her emotions, her perceptions of her new life - I'd imagine an eleven year old girl would be anxious about leaving home, her family and the world she knew, maybe apprehensive about what was in store for her, or even fear and distrust of the elementals around her.

I know it's early on, but so far Rose seems a little two dimensional, so maybe you could flesh her out a bit.

I do like your side characters though! Borvo was fun, and I love the dog! Divina is... intriguing ;). I really liked your description of the hierarchy of the Elementals- it's nice to see some organization amid the chaos of a new world.

You may want to read this chapter over critically, or get a Beta as I found a few spelling and grammar mistakes.

Also, your story could really be fleshed out by some more description. I noticed a couple of phrases like "this place in the woods" or "this big rock", that could definitely use some qualifiers. Just remember that generalization is the death of authors. I appreciate how the plot moves along quickly, but be careful of making it seem rushed- don't forget to stop and describe the roses, I guess. :)

Normally, when I'm confronted with such a wacky AU, I back away slowly, but something about your story has sparked my interest.

(Also, killer summary- really made me want to read the story!!!)

So keep on writing! It's a really interesting premise, and I can see lots of potential in the plot and in your writing!

Keep writing, and, as a wise man once said, don't forget to be awesome!
~Gilly

Author's Response: Thanks for the review!

I do plan on having an entire chapter following Rose's day. I am writing Rose to make her sound sort of superficial at first, but it is good to know what is overkill. And I'll be sure to add more detail as soon as the queue opens again!

Thanks again,
Simone


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