Hi! It's Chocolate_Frog from the forums with your requested review! (finally! xD)
(And before I start, I must comment on the CI. Lucie Longhorn did a great job! *is mindblown*).
You mentioned that this story being too 'out there' as an area of concern... I don't think you should worry about that. I think this was very unique; I haven't come across anything like this on the archives, so I don't think this should be a concern at all. In fact, you are in need of a congratulations--It's a fantastic idea!
You did a great job with the dialogue and the descriptions; everything seems to fit the time period accordingly and flow naturally. Your retelling gave a lot of depth to the Three Brothers tale; it was nice reading about the banter between the brothers and learning a bit more about each of their characters. The scene with death was really well-written; I loved the descriptions and the expanding of the tale.
I liked how you devised a different method of time travel than a time turner, and how Dominque didn't go to, say, the Marauders period. (I've read a few time travel stories like that, and the plot lines tend to all run the same way.) Yours is definitely standing out in my mind, which is a good thing. One thing though, wouldn't it be incest if Dominque and Ignotus were together, since technically he's like, her great-uncle to the fiftieth power or something? xD And would she cease to exist? But wait, I suppose Harry didn't have anything to do with Bill and Fleur meeting... Oh, but Harry wouldn't exist! Oooh, this will create all sorts of time paradoxes. Fun!
I found a few errors in here, nothing too major that a quick edit won't fix:
+ To the three brothers, at first sight it appeared to be a Dementor, but as they looked closer at the figure, it no long looked like a Dementor.
^ The 'long' should actually be 'longer', should it not? (Gah, now I'm talking in ancient-speak. xD)
+ "Antioch..." said under his breath.
^ I think you forgot to type something here, probably Ignotus.
This was a very enjoyable read, and I can't wait to see how everything plays out. Feel free to re-request for the next few chapters! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Ahh! Thank you SO much for pointing that out! I really appreciate those points. I'm working on an edited version right now, and I will definitely add those things in there.
Thank you for being so helpful. I appreciate the time and effort you put into this. Thanks again! :)
Ooh, a Tom/Minerva love story. I haven't really read a lot of them, so we'll see how this goes.
I think you started off pretty well, with the reminiscent tone of McGonagall leading up to the flashback. Judging from your summary, I'm guessing the Hogwarts students had all been evacuated to a host house because of World War II? This provides an interesting, more plausible setting for Tom and Minerva to bond (since I doubt a Gryffindor and Slytherin at that time would really be friends at Hogwarts), however, it doesn't seem plausible. Wouldn't Hogwarts be safer for them, with all the protection spells and the unplottable castle? Why would they need to be relocated? And if all the Hogwarts students were being relocated to one house, how come there's a little girl there? (Unless Rose is a first year?) Oh, and one more thing; let's say there's a good reason for them to be relocated--wouldn't the professors be on constant watch over them for their safety, and not let students wander around the grounds after curfew? Sorry if you think I'm too nit-picky, but though a bit of mystery is always welcome, loopholes are another thing, and would need to be properly explained in order to make your story believable. It's a nice concept though, and if there were some more explanations added in I think you'd be able to pull it off rather well. :)
Oh, a bit of foreshadowing there in the end with the blood. (This safe house doesn't seem so safe...?) Is it Rose who is hurt (sneaking a peek at the next chapter title), or something else? Now I'm really curious. xD
I noticed a few grammar errors in this (Like bouts of Random Capitalizing such as in 'The Young Girl' and 'The Slytherin Prince', as well as weird spacing and incorrect use of punctuation in dialogue), so you might want to do a quick edit to brush up some mistakes, or even enlist the help of a Beta. It'd greatly help the flow of the story.
Overall, it was a great story, and feel free to re-request if you want! (By the way, I apologize for the lateness of this one.) ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Thank you for such an amazing & lengthy review!
Yeah, it is explained in later chapters why they moved from Hogwarts (within the next three/four chapter most likely) Rose is a first year and Minerva's cousin.
Good point about the teachers. That never even crossed my mind. Thanks for pointing that out! I'll defiantly go back and edit that.
Grammar is my absolute weakness; I'm terrible at it. I may get another beta if I can ever be bothered.
Thank you again! Don't worry about the lateless; it doesn't bother me
Jaz Report Review
Hi there, this is Chocolate_Frog here with your review! :)
I think you have a great story here. (By the way, that banner by Lucie Longhorn is gorgeous! I remember seeing I in the squee thread over at TDA xD) Your first few paragraphs really set the scene for the reader, drawing them into a sense of dark mystery amidst all the action that makes them want to read more. Great job, it was very effective!
And the sense of mystery broadens as the identity of the two are kept secret. (Sorry if this review is kind of choppy/doesn't make sense--I'm typing it as I read. xD) I'd like to take a moment on your brilliant sense of description. I love it; every moment seemed action-packed and
I also really like your sense of imagination; it really sets your story apart from the rest. This also comes with a downside, though, since you have to explain a lot more about it for the reader to comprehend. Everything seemed interesting but confusing in this chapter; I had way too many questions: Why were they running? How come Seamus and Draco are friends? How/why does Hermione have amnesia/memory loss? And this is pretty minor, but I was a bit confused at what you meant by 'chasers' (at first I was thinking Quidditch, but I don't think that's right xD), but now I'm thinking that it might be a term for this new world that you invented that will be further explained in later chapters. I'm really curious to learn more about the Generation, also. Hopefully they will be explained in the future chapters, but maybe you could add some tidbits here as to not leave the reader too much in the dark? (I actually quite like the mystery concept, though; and now I seem to be contradicting myself.)
Oh, and this sentence: Muggles had always been the bravest of races. Is it just me, or do I spot some negative connotation there? Like, why is it in past tense? Did they all die? Oh, the mystery!
I noticed a couple grammar errors (none that major, but occuring enough to disrupt the flow of the story), but since you said in your post you were going to edit I'll leave them be. :)
Overall, it was a great start and I'm really interested in reading more at your next re-request! ^^
~Chocolate_Frog Report Review
Hello again, I'm here *finally*. (I swear, my reviews are getting to be so late it's not even funny anymore. ): )
I loved how you began the chapter--It had a feel reminiscent of JKR, where she set the scene for Philosopher's Stone with the description of Privet Drive and the Dursleys. And the conversation between the four seemed to flow naturally-- the parts with the knickers and the cliche really lightened the gravity of the situation a bit. I think having them hide out in the Gaunt shack was an ingenious idea on your part; I would never have thought of that! (But, who knows, maybe Lady Tenabra will. You never could trust this lady...)
The minister's speech--well, technically it was probably Lady Tenabra's speech, or idea at least--was very effectively planned out. It seemed like he was trying to prevent a war, when really, the opposite was happening. Well, that's fifty years going down the drain, unfortunately. I wonder who Lady Tenabra's everyday identity is... I had a hunch about Arabella for a while now, but I might be wrong.
Last but not least, I enjoyed the bit with the banter between the boys, and also the fact that Susan reprimanded them to remind them that the situation was graver than they thought. Things are looking grim, and I suspect that won't be the end of things, but I can't wait until the next plot twist.
You're running a clean record for grammar here, I just noticed this:
+ "Oh, yeah" Harry replied, handing Esme her travel bag from the pile on the floor.
^ There's a missing piece of punctuation here--a comma after the 'yeah' will suffice.
Overall, it was a great chapter! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hello, again! Seems like you've been busy lately. Always good to see you back!
The Gaunt Shack has been part of the plan since the earliest sort of bullet-point plot summaries. Not sure why it came to me. I was re-reading the section of DH where Voldemort is running around, realizing that all of his hidden Horcruxes are missing, and it dawned on me that nobody would ever think to go there again.
I'm glad you liked the Minister's speech. I was dreading writing that, but once I got into it, it wasn't so bad. The tricky part was exactly what you mentioned: making it sound very measured and moderate when the ideas it contained were actually very extreme.
The scene with Al, Teddy and Hugo was probably not necessary, strictly speaking, but it was fun to write and I think it's good to remind the readers that these other characters still exist. I promise they will have roles to play before the story is all said and done.
Thanks for pointing out the typo. I have so many little things to fix, but the queue is so backed up all the time lately. I hate to waste the validators' time. Ugh.
Thanks so much for continuing to read and review! I'll keep an eye on your review thread, because it looks like you're pretty swamped at the moment and I'd hate to make it worse. Report Review
Hello again! I'm back for the second review! (And I've been terrible with keeping reviews on time, so sorry for that. ): )
Some great character development in here. I think Keira's worry about fading into the background, and her semi-jealousy of her friends, makes her seem real and easy to identify with--almost everyone has their own insecurities. And I love how the always-good Lily Evans is incredulous that she's never been to the kitchens. It's always nice to see the mischievous side of Lily. xD
Pulling in the gravity of the war was a nice touch, also--I've read too many Marauder fics that are too carefree, with only a line or two mentioning the full-fledged war brewing outside. I love fluff, but the first Wizarding war isn't exactly ignorable, so good job on that.
Your grammar in this is very good; I just noticed a few awkwardly phrased sentences, such as:
+ When her round face turning towards me, I snapped my eyes shut.
^ The 'turning' in here is actually the wrong verb tense; it should be 'turned'.
+ With everyone well rested from the night before, combined with the prospect of not having classes till Monday, meant the castle was in a good mood.
^ You'd be better off leaving the 'meant' out of the sentence; it makes more sense that way.
+"You know. Dance moves." Lily spun on the spot, trying to show me what she ment.
^ It's 'meant', not 'ment'. :)
This chapter seemed to flow much better than the previous one (Great job on elongating your sentences and adding more details!), but some choppiness still snuck its way in. This may be a stylistic thing, but the occasional hyphen or semicolon (or sometimes even ellipses, though you shouldn't listen to me on that account, since I tend to abuse them) in lieu of a period would be nice. For example, in these two sentences (Her natural level-headedness and grace resulted in occasions such as these to be far and in-between. The award for getting to know the floor the best was usually reserved for me.) It would flow better if you just separated the two with a semicolon.
Well, that's it for now, but I'll definitely be back for another re-request if you're up for it (as soon as my queue gets back to a relatively non-scary size xD). ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Oh, cheers. I didn't even pick up on those (i'm so blind sometimes.) I'll go edit them ASAP. ^_^
I tried to make this run smoother, but unfortunately it didn't quite get there. Thanks for that feedback though. I'll re-evaluate the chapter and see what I can do to improve that.
I'm certainly up for a re-request, haha. I'll pop over when you have some slots free ^_^
Thanks again for the review, you're always helpful.
- Adele :) Report Review
Hello, this is Chocolate_Frog with your requested review! :) (My apologies for the long wait, but it will hopefully be made up for by a long review.)
I always look forward to getting your requests because your story and writing style has always proved to be interesting. As usual, this chapter didn't disappoint, and it was long to boot! :D
The confrontation with Esme was described really well. I like how you showed her as rightfully rude but not heartless, discerning from the apologetic way she reacted once she found out about Ginny's death. The superimposed memory was an interesting concept to bring up, and I can't wait to see where that leads.
It was so heartwarming to read about Octavia and Scorpius, as well as their interactions with the rest of the Malfoys. (Poor Scorpius; he seems like such a pushover.) I felt so bad when I read about the part that detailed Octavia being bullied, because bullying is unfortunately something that happens a lot in real life, and though sad, it makes your story all the more real. (It's really unlikely that since Harry was a hero everyone would lead perfectly perfect lives, which is something that happens a lot in Next-Gen fanfiction.)
Hermione's but brought new developments as well; I really hope she finds the cure and can get better soon. (By the way, I think adding your original poem was a nice touch, so good job!)
And now we come back to Esme and the dinner. I thought Ron's take on the whole thing as the over-protective best mate was rather amusing, and the escalating argument as well.
Defense plan Chinese Fireball was a really clever idea; I liked how it gave Harry time to get the things he needed. Now they're all on the run like in DH... Hmm, things should get interesting. :)
Your beta did a great job; I didn't find any mistakes, just this one point:
+ What 'appened to the 'arry Potter I knew as a young man?
^ I think this sentence was a bit awkward, as it sounds like she knew him when she was a young man (which is unlikely and also highly disturbing, judging from the vibes they both emit of a quick fling and rejection). I think it'd be best if you altered it to something along the lines of 'the young man I knew' or 'the 'arry Potter I knew when I was young.' xD
Congratulations on reaching 100,000! Haha, I write emails to myself too, high five. ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hi, there. Please don't apologize for anything! I look forward to hearing from you, no matter how long.
I'm trying to make Esme a fairly complex character who will complement the trio well, so I'm glad you find her interesting.
I have known for a while that I need to begin bringing the Malfoys back into the fold, and this was a good opportunity. Octavia is a lot of fun to write, and, yes, she has her father wrapped around her finger. The bullying was something that sort of came to me as I was writing that section, so I'm glad you liked it. I've been trying to keep the world as down-to-earth and realistic as possible.
So I'm really glad you liked the poem, because if was a struggle. I didn't mark it correctly as my own work, so it got my chapter rejected the first time through. I guess I should feel flattered that the validator thought it was good enough to be published work.
Everything that happens after Esme arrives for dinner was far and away the most fun to write, as you can probably tell. At first, I found it really hard to write in Ron's point of view. Now I enjoy it immensely.
And yes, my beta reader is simply fabulous, isn't she? I was so lucky to find her. She's one in a million!
Thanks so much for continuing to read and review and thanks for the congrats. Maybe I'll squeeze another 100,000 words out of this thing before it's all said and done. Report Review
Hello! This is Chocolate_Frog here with your requested review! :)
I'll start off with a few grammar errors I noticed:
+ "Must not have been," agreed James laughing.
^ There should be a comma between the last two words. There are a few instances in the chapter that also need commas; it helps to read it out loud and add commas or other forms of punctuation where you'd naturally pause at. :)
+ Wouldn’t she have been taken notes if she had been there in fifth year?
^ The 'taken' should actually be 'taking', to agree with the helping verbs 'have been'.
Pretty minor, all I would suggest is a quick read-through to sweep for additional errors. :)
Lily's section was really sweet, I like the way you portrayed the bittersweet feelings of the beginning of the end (wow, that sounds like some ghastly doomsday prediction... xD). The subtle indications of the dynamics between her and Petunia (and Snape, also, to some extent) were really interesting to read about, and I think you pulled it off quite nicely.
The Marauders section was nice to read; their conversation seemed to flow naturally and I could almost picture being in the same compartment with them; you described it so well. I also liked the tidbit in the prefects' compartment, and how you didn't make the Longbottoms the same age as the Marauders (a lot of stories do, and it seems a bit weird to me that way.) And I found it endearing that he keeps getting embarrassed whenever Lily insults him, because it shows that he wasn't completely immune to it and therefor has feelings, but I have to admit, it does make him seem rather girly. xD
Snape's section also had more insight into the what life was like for him, which I gobbled up. I like how you subtely suggested that he wasn't really close to 'friends', always more of a loner, how he still misses Lily, and (I think this is most important), how he never really bought into the blood purity business and just joined the Death Eaters because of his passion for the Dark Arts and to feel a sense of belonging. (Aww, poor Snape.) The last line about change was really effective, too, as it tied his section in with James's. They both have a mission... things are about to get interesting.
Overall, it was a great concept (the title really drew me in; it was nice to think of James as a fellow artist. That was deifinitely a new one!) Feel free to re-request! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Thanks for pointing those errors out. The story is in the process of being Beta'd, so it's not in 100% tip-top shape. I tend to write things rather quickly without thinking about the rules of English. (Sometimes the rules of Latin, which produce very funny results.)
I really love Petunia and the potential she has in fanfiction, especially her relationship with Lily. Subtly is something that's under appreciated. Sometimes, it's more powerful to leave something unsaid or to not analyze your own characters and their actions. I really admire writers who's "negative space" tells the story, and try to use this technique.
I really despise the convention that Frank and Alice were within a year or two of the Marauders. They're supposed to be respected Aurors. If they had been in James's year, they wouldn't have finished training by the time they were tortured. They had to have had some years of being an auror. It doesn't work to have Alice and Frank be the exact same age as the Marauders. I think their stays at Hogwarts might have overlapped briefly, but in all likelihood the Longbottoms were a decade before the Marauders in order to have the career they were supposed to have had. (sorry about the rant!)
James is being a little girly? Shame on him. The fact that his son acts like a girl is clearly genetic. (*laughs*) Only kidding. Yeah, I can see how he seems "girly", but I think that there are plenty of guys who would have the same reaction, so I'm not really worried. (And if Jo can make her hero girly, then so can I!)
You've hit the nail on the head. I think Lily completely misunderstood his relationship with his "friends". I think she underestimated the need to belong and the effect of environment, which is understandable, given her relationships and environment.
Yes, the tension arrives at the very end of the prologue, revealing what will be important in the main story. Huzzah!
Thank you for the lovely review!
Houlestar Report Review
Hello, this is Chocolate_Frog with your requested review! :)
(I'm really sorry you had to wait this long, but I'll leave you a long review to make up for it.)
First of all, let me take a moment to say that you're doing very well for your first story. The summary was interesting and really drew me in, as did the title. (And I always had a soft spot for Marauders, so that didn't hurt either.) Ah, some foreshadowing over the good stuff that may come. ^^
I found a couple of grammar errors in this, such as:
+ They may have been wearing fluorescent orange vests they were so noticeably new.
^ A bit of punctuation is missing here (a semicolon, perhaps) between 'vests' and 'they'. There are a few other cases in this chapter where a a comma could be better off replaced by a semicolon (e.g: Normally I wouldn't mind, I mean it was his Grandmother's funeral), as well.
+ I suppose your right.
^ The 'your' here should actually be 'you're', as in the contraction for 'you are'. :)
+ Her raven hair framing her milky skin, such a dramatic contrast one couldn’t call it anything but beautiful, while her curvy hips were complimented by the flowing salmon coloured fabric of her summer dress.
^ This is a fragment right now, since there's no clear verb in the first part. It should actually be something along the lines of 'Her raven hair framed her milky skin'; this would also improve the parallellism.
A quick read-through to scan for errors might do the trick, but it’s always helpful to have a second set of eyes read through our work (because writers tend to skip over errors in our own works since we already know what we’re going to say. xD), which is why I’d suggest getting a Beta. In case you didn’t know, you can get one on the HPFF forums, and basically, it's like having an editor/proof-reader who you can contact when you’re having doubts, as well as need a second opinion on a chapter, even before it's published. Betas are tremendously helpful, so I would suggest looking into it. ^^
The flow of the story was pretty good, but at times it was a bit choppy. I think this was because at times your sentences seemed a bit short and choppy... like 'I am hungry. I see an apple. I will eat it.' It'd help the story flow a bit more if you combined some sentences, perhaps with semicolons, or varied up the sentence structure a bit for a better flow, like 'I was hungry, so I ate an apple.' (Aaaand the award for lamest example goes to me! xD)
The beginning was a bit overwhelming with all the characters and descriptions thrown at the reader all at once, but once you got up on the right foot the rest of the story flowed really smoothly. I'm liking the dynamics and relationships established here, especially with the swoon-worthy!Ravenclaws. :D
I think you're spectacular with dialogue; the conversations all seemed to flow naturally. I really hate it when I read stories with stiff conversation, like "My mother said she was going to send me off." (alright, that was a lame example but you get the gist), because reall, who talks like that? (Even Pureblood aristocrats don't haha.) So if you got anything from my incessant rambling, it's kudos your dialogue! xD
Overall, it was a great start, and feel free to re-request! ^^ And sorry for so much rambling; I think I ate way too much sugar. :P
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Ah, that's fantastic! Thank you! I actually just had someone volunteer to become my Beta, so i'm really thrilled. She's helping me get through my current chapter, but i'm hoping that she'll be happy to go back over my past ones and fix those up.
I will defiantly be re-requesting (now you're groaning, I bet) because this was really helpful. I'm happy that you liked the dialogue too.
Thank you ^_^ Report Review
Hello, this is Chocolate_Frog, back for another review request! :)
Your story is moiving along quite nicely. I really like the extra details that you put in; it's this extra effort that authors give that makes sotries like this stand out from the rest. The details about Ron and Harry's Auror training and accomplishments in the workplace, as well as the bits about Grimmauld Place, just oozed creativity. Great job on that!
So far I think you did a great job with making your story seem believable. For one, Ron and Harry don't immediately become the epitome of Auror perfection, which is always a bonus. A lot of people seem to forget that though they are quite talented, they are still human after all, and still young to boot. I had my doubts about the Animagi thing at first, but I think if you do it right it'll make for an interesting aspect of your story. And the parts with Hermione and Ginny seemed plauisble too, as they are just teenage girls pining for their boyfriends, but maybe just leaning a tiny bit on the girly side--there's some slight OOCness there, but nothing too major.
Speaking of, do I sense some Draco/Ginny vibes, or is that just me being weird? O:
I only found a few grammar mistakes, most revolving around punctuation, such as this:
+ "Can't you give us at least a clue what we'll be doing."
^ This should have a question mark, not a period, at the end, since it's an interrogative. Also, there should be an 'on' between 'clue' and 'what', sicne it'll make more sense that way.
+ "Yes. I can't sleep. I'm going downstairs"
^ Some of your dialogue, like the one above, needs some punctuation at the end (in this case, a period).
These are pretty minor, so I think a quick edit ought to do the trick. :)
Overall, it was a great read, and I'm looking forward to reading more! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hello! Sorry for the slow response - January has been super-busy at work.
I'm so glad you enjoyed the chapter, and it's great to know you find what I'm doing creative. It can be tricky, because I'm writing so squarely in cliche-territory, and it's great to get some feedback that what I'm writing works.
It was important to me that Harry and Ron weren't too brilliant too quickly. They are both bright and very experienced for their age, but I felt they would still have a lot to learn. I'm glad that comes across well.
Re: Hermione and Ginny - I think people forget they are still only 17 and 18, and both in relatively new relationships. I mean, I'm (ahem) quite a lot older than that, and I'd be pretty giddy about that too:-) So yes, they are a bit girly about seeing their boyfriends, but that's deliberate.
Draco and Ginny? Hmm, you'll just have to read on to see where those vibes are going:-)
Thank you so much for the useful and constructive review, and sorry again for the slow response. Report Review
Hello, this is Chocolate_Frog, back for another review request! :)
I think your story is moving along quite nicely. Your idea, in general, makes your Gerogelina fic truly stand out from the rest; the shifts in POV and time each chapter brings, as well as the extra details and descriptions, are refreshing and interesting. Great job on that!
Your George is very well-characterized, as well. His conversations with Lee and Angelina seem very natural and in-canon, as if the George from the books had stepped out from the pages, aged a little, and came back to appear here. It's nice to see him trying his best to move on while still keeping Fred's memory. The comedic moments interspersed here and there also lighten up the gravity of this chapter for a bit, which is always a good thing (Broadcasting with leggy women, haha. xD)
Your grammar throughout this was pretty flawless; there were just a few points where I had to go back and do a double-take:
+ ...and the clear voice passing out brochures for the weekend's Quidditch match gave the illusion that he wasn't alone in the flat.
^ Unless I'm mistaken, a voice can't pass out brochures, so it should be something along the lines of '...and the clear voice of the man/woman/wizard/etc passing out brochures...'
+ Settling on plate of left over, take away noodles of questionable age, he stood back and hastily shoveled the first bite into his mouth.
^ Something seems missing in this sentence, too. Perhaps you should add 'a' before 'plate'.
Overall, it was a well-written chapter, and very enjoyable to read. I'm looking forward to seeing more of this fic! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: A PLATE OF LEFT OVER, TAKE AWAY NOODLES.
Goodness gracious. I swear no matter how many times I read over this, something will always sneak through the cracks.
Thank you so much for this review! I was nervous about the little bit of comedy I threw into this chapter, generally speaking I do not write comedy. :P I'm glad that George's grief comes across well and that you enjoyed this chapter.
Thank you so much for the review!! I really appreciate it. Report Review
Hello, this is Chocolate_Frog from the forums with your requested review! :)
I think you're off to a great start so far. I think the flashback was an effective way to start the story, as it sets the scene while drawing the reader in. The secret relationship thing you have going on makes your Dramione seem more plausible, so kudos on that.
A suggestion I would have for you is fleshing out your story a bit--right now it seems like only the bare minimum, and adding some extra details will give it some more flair. For example, how did their relationship come to be? What about Ron? Does he approve? It seems like you completely ignored Ron here! He might not like Draco but he's still one of Hermione's best friends; he can't just dissappear completely. You could also flesh out the part with Harry, his relationship with Draco seems a bit iffy. Adding more details keeps the story more interesting. ^^
I think you have a great take on the pregnancy thing. Having Draco discover the cribs was very unique; it cleverly avoided the cliched 'I'm pregnant' line. Bravo!
Your characterization of Hermione was straight-on (though she seems to swear too much; Hermione doesn't seem like the type, but maybe that's just me), but I thought Draco seemed a bit... mild? I want to see some more of that arrogant, self-righteous Slytherin that we all know and love! :D
And finally, the one thing that sort of threw me off the most(and I know, this is going to sound nitpicky) was the grammar. They weren't any major mistakes, but they occured frequently enough that they distracted from the quality of the fic. I think the your two major problems in grammar would be formatting dialogue and commas. For example:
+ "I love you so much." He whispered. should actually be "I love you so much," he whispered. Also, when two people are speaking, generally you should start a new paragraph. It should be a seperate section when Hermione speaks after Draco in the first paragraph.
+ You other major error is forgetting to put the space after the comma, like in this: A useless mudblood,unworthy of his time. Not only is it grammatically correct, but also aesthetically pleasing, since it gives the eye a little break.
I would suggest getting a beta, as they help tons! :)
Overall, it was a great read. Feel free to re-request for the next chapter, and happy holidays! ^^
P.S. And apparently, to end the last day of the year, my fingers have decided to type a really scarily-long review. xDAuthor's Response: I do have a beta,but she didn't do this chapter until I had submitted it:/ thanks so much for all the help/advice!Fantastic!I will def be rerequesting! Report Review
Hello, this is Chocolate_Frog from the forums with your requested review! :)
I haven't read many fics focusing solely on Teddy, but I have to say, I love your characterization of him! ♥ It's really different from how I usually see him portrayed, which is usually as the fit, perfect boyfriend (Victoire's POV), or the fit perfect boyfriend who's already taken (Rose's, or perhaps even Dom's). Having this in his POV makes it really different, and sweet: The way he treats his grandmother, his grief over his parents' deaths and his desire to prove himself... kind of reminds me of a sweeter, milder version of Harry. xD
This chapter does a great job of setting the scene. I'm interested in seeing how the dinner with the Potters will play out. Or, maybe, since this is a time travel story, the floo somehow messes up and he lands in the Potters' home in the Marauders era? And he gets to meet Remus and yay~ Or maybe... (Okay, now you have me guessing. That's never good; I may ramble on all night...)
Before my imagination runs away to elope with my brain, I have some CC for you. xD I found a few grammar mistakes in here, most of them having to do with the incorrect formatting of dialogue. For example, this sentence:
"Two years" He whispered to himself.
should actually be "Two years," he whispered to himself. Also, there are a few typos, like the extra 's' in this sentence:
Teddy spared a glance at the photo frame he kept beside his bed at all time s, inside was a picture of his parents.
I suggest a quick edit to fix up mistakes, or maybe even requesting for a Beta, as they can greatly improve the quality of fics. ^_^
Overall, a great chapter; and my interest is piqued. Feel free to re-request once the next chapter's up; I'd love to read more! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hi!
Thank you so much! I haven't read any Teddy fics either but I had some help from some lovely friends of mine who had and they helped me shape him. I wanted to make him as realistic as possible.
Aha, you'll have to wait and see how the Potter's fit in but I hope you won't be too disappointed!
Also, thank you for pointing out those mistakes- I'd been rushing to get this chapter out and I missed a couple of things- I'll definitely be looking into a beta in the near future!
Thank you so much for the lovely review and I will definitely be back to re-request once my second chapter is up! Thanks again!
x Ely Report Review
Hello! This is Chocolate_Frog from the forums with your requested review! :)
You have a great start to the story so far. The change from the dark, mysterious murder to the bustling, cheerful train station was really clever; it gives the reader a sort of comedic relief, if you will, from the sort of angsty beginning. And comedic it was, too; I think you characterized the twins really well in this story. For example, this line:
Honestly, it's been three hours and you still can't tell us apart?
This is one of my favorite lines; it totally seems like something Fred would say. Your twins are really in character, which makes the story that much better. :)
Your OC seems rather interesting, but unfortunately we don't know much about her. In my opinion, the reader is left with too many questions and assumptions: Why did the Death Eaters kill the mom? What was the connection to Fabian and Gideon? How was the girl raised, and what were the events that happened in the time lapse from 1981 to 1989? We aren't even told if Katherine is really the baby from the beginning; the reader is left to speculate and assume. I know you couldn't possibly explain all that in one chapter, but I would suggest a few hints here and there as the whole thing seems rather vague.
Another thing you could improve on is the grammar. I found quite a few grammar mistakes; such as:
+ The child held up the stuffed bear, her mother smiled. (This sentence is a comma splice; the comma should be replaced by a semicolon, or perhaps the word 'as'.)
+ "Don't worry" (A lot of your dialogue seems to be missing punctuation; for example, this one needs a comma after 'worry'.)
+ "Please behave, you two!" she called after the train as it began to move. (This sentence is a bit confusing. I know you were aiming for vagueness with the 'she', but maybe you could replace it with 'the mother' or something, since the last female we read about is now dead; and the reader gets temporarily confused.)
These errors weren't anything too major, but they occurred enough times that they became distracting, especially for nitpicky readers (like me xD). Grammar mistakes can subtract from the quality of your fic, so it's a good idea to get a beta. ^_^
Overall, it was quite an enjoyable start. You have a really interesting concept here, and I would love to read more. Feel free to re-request for the next chapter, and happy holidays! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hello chocolate sorry I hadn't answered I was editing the chapter using your review along with others :) I took your suggestion and gave readers a hint at why the death eaters are there, when the new chapter is up I'd like you to take a second look :) Report Review
Hello! This is Chocolate_Frog from the forums, back for another review request! :)
I thought this was a nice continuation of the previous chapter. The details you added into this were really inventive and interesting, such as the backstory about the twins and Charity (and the Melpurne! xD). Fleshing out your story like this makes it more three-dimensional and realistic, so kudos on that front.
The characters are also developing quite nicely, espcecially with the Dom/Lysander subplot, which will make it more interesting to read. I liked how you didn't make the twins identical and explained that they drifted away from each other as they got older, as this, unfortunately, tends to happen to people a lot in real life. Lily being a Quidditch captain Nazi is somewhat cliche, but it works in this story to develop the 'before' stage as she grows as a person, so I'll let that go. The character development in this chapter essential yet a bit too much of a filler; hopefully after this the plot will get moving along-- I'm now really curious for more Lily and Lysander interactions, and the parts mentioned in the summary will appear.
I did notice a few mistakes also (for example, it's yin and yang xD), so I would suggest a quick edit to sweep over those.
It was a nice read so far; thank you for requesting! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Thanks the for the great review. The plot will get moving along in the next chapter :).
I'll brush over it soon and fix or tweak a few things.
Hi! It's Chocolate_Frog from the forums, back for another review request! ^^
One quick thing before I review: There were a few bits with missing punctuation ('I-I-they found me writing... with my left hand' he swallowed noisily), so I suggest a quick read through to edit those in. Also, the spacing is a bit weird, so regulating it might make for an easier read. :)
I really like the way you wrote Sirius's section--It's always horrible to read about child abuse, but of course, it is Sirius's past, after all, and we can't simply ignore it. This scene helps to show how strong and brave Sirius really was; though he usually laughs it off, he was still suffering. I liked the pureblood Christmas tradition you added in, and the small acts of kindness from Andromeda, Regulus, and Uncle Alphard; it's small bits like this that make your story even more realistic.
Peter's POV was one of the most interesting to me. I liked finding out some of Peter's back story, since I always speculated that there was more to him than just 'that horrible guy who betrayed his friends'. I'm now really curious to learn more about 'the accident' and what exactly happened to his mum and Sarah (his sister, right?).
Remus's and James's sections were really great, too. It was nice to see Remus having such a happy time, especially with all the sadness that there is to come, and James was up to his mischievous self, as per usual. However, I thought James might have sounded like too much of an annoying, spoiled brat, but maybe that's what you were aiming for. xD
Oh, I liked how they all ended on the same note, by the way, it gave all four of the POVs a sense of unity. Thank you for re-requesting, and happy holidays! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hello :)
Firstly a massive apology for the late reply! It's been two weeks! So I'm sorry! I was waiting for the queue to reopen to make some changes! :)
Sarah is Peter's sister :) You'll learn more about that later on (hopefully in a couple chapters - I only meant for the years to be 5 chapters max.. and I'm on four.. and it's only just Christmas! Oops!)
Thank you very much :) Oh and as for James, I've always imagined him as a very spoilt child who matured and became less 'big-headed' as he got older at Hogwarts. So hopefully this will come in the chapter's to come. :)
Thanks for reviewing and I'm so glad that you've enjoyed it! :D Report Review
Hi! This is Chocolate_Frog from the forums, back for another re-request! :) (And sadly, I noticed that I almost caught up to your posted chapters. D: )
This was another great continuation. Your descriptions were fantastic as always; I could imagine the freezing Hogwarts lake and the train ride (Maybe not too hard since it's December, after all. xD)
I really love the awkwardness between Brienne and George after the kiss... So cute! ♥ The little detail about Brienne being able to tell the difference between the two was a nice touch, also. And Lee's goofiness! :') Another jam-packed, nice chapter.
I noticed only a few small errors this time (liked missing the apostrophe in King's Cross), so nothing too major.
Thank you for re-requesting, and happy holidays! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: :) Hi! Thank you very much for your review, I'm glad you liked it! Happy Holidays! Report Review
Hi! This is Chocolate_Frog from the forums here with your requested review! :)
You did a great job with this Tom Riddle one-shot. You captured his thoughts and motivations beautifully, shedding some new light as to why and how Tom merged into Voldemort. Your sentences were very deep and meaningful, especially the line about people's evilness being influenced by society, which was something I could easily agree with. Your prose seemed to flow in that elegant, superior kind of way that I would connect with his thought process, which added another element of intrigue to pique the reader's interest.
I like how you tried to show us the events that shaped Voldemort's de-humanization instead of just claiming that he was misunderstood, which some fics do, and don't pull off well. The little tidbits about the orphanage, especially, made your story seem real and plausible. Great job!
I spotted a few errors, such as these:
+ He was free to do as he wished for hardened as he was, he could feel nothing at all... (There should be a comma after 'wished'. )
+ He didn't feel a thing when he walked into the room and saw a man and two other. (It should actually be 'others'.)
Nothing too major, but I suggest a quick edit to fix minor typos and mistakes. :)
Overall, it was a great piece. Thank you for requesting it, and happy holidays! ^^
~Chocolate_Frog Report Review
Hi! This is Chocolate_Frog from the forums with your requested review! :)
I think you started this story off at an interesting angle. I've read a few Oliver/OCs, and having both out of Hogwarts and having Oliver three years younger definitely breaks the mold. I think we're in for an interesting story!
You listed your OC as your main concern... I don't think she came off as that harsh at all. (Maybe because I have to deal with the type on a daily basis. xD) Sure, she has a, quote unquote 'potty mouth', but that's understandable because of the stress of the profession. Maybe she just needs someone to, you know, mellow it out? Hint, hint. xD
Speaking of, I think you did a great job with Oliver. A softie, worried, fanboy-type Oliver isn't something that has been done a lot (or ever, really), and my interest has really been piqued on where this is headed.
Something I would have to say that made this story a chore to read was the formatting. At times, the paragraphs would indent, and at times, they won't, which made it difficult to read, since the reader might wonder if you meant for the passage to stand out. (Which I don't think is the case here.) Remember, consistency is key! :)
That's all for now, but feel free to re-request for the next chapter! Happy holidays! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review! Good to know that Geri isn't too extreme. I find it kind of interesting that people are so curious about my portrayal of Oliver, since I never saw him as the cocky jock type. He just really loved his sport. I always thought it made him slightly nerdy really. It's nice to know it's a little unique though!
And the indents... yes. I had obviously given up on fixing the formatting, but it will need to be fixed eventually. I apologize for putting you through that. :)
Thanks again! Best wishes for 2012! Report Review
adsflkfkdsjskl;afka;fd ♥ Yay the sequel to Growing Up Weasley! I can't believe it... How am I the first to review this? People should be flocking here!
I couldn't have asked for a better sequel. Seriously. You captured Neville's feelings and thoughts so well... Poor little pressured eight-year-old Neville. And Augusta and Algie and Enid were so well characterized too! Expecially Augusta; I can so imagine her being able to tell if one sugar cube goes missing. Grandmas know all. *nods matter-of-factly*
And Neville's thoughts about Squibs and becoming a cleaning person (Ha!) and what the neighbors would think... brilliant! I realize I'm sort of rambling now, but anyways, what I'm trying to say is I love how you chose this particular memory; making your own version of the canon event. Well done Jane! ♥
I can't wait to read more of this sequel! Now excuse me while I go and try to find myself a meringue. ^^
~KhanhAuthor's Response: THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FIRST REVIEWER! ♥ I am so excited you saw this and decided to drop by!
I am so glad it lived up to whatever expectations you might have placed on it. :) I tried to keep the same tone in these stories -- this first one, especially, as I felt that Ron's really set up the rest of the stories -- and it's a bit more difficult this time around, characterizing such a broader range of people. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
I can't wait to /write/ more of this sequel! I've got a few little ideas here and there, and I think I know who the next story's going to be about, although I won't say it here in case it changes. :) Thank you so much, Khanh, really -- it means a lot! ♥ Report Review
Here for another request! ^^
This was another profound chapter. I really liked the developments it brought. I think I've mentioned it before, but I really enjoy your writing style--you intersperse the right amount of dry humor and new discoveries in each chapter, constantly keeping the readers on the edge of their seats.
The web of motives and secrets you weave is very complex--I like how there are little hints, here and there, of the corruptness of the current society and the possibility of war. this makes it even more realistic; after all, Rome didn't fall in a day.
I thought the scene where Hermione one-upped Lucy was very well-written (In my mind I was just like, 'Ha! Take that!'), and the piece with Cepheus Black/Xerxes the Seer was a refreshing POV change (but he really is a male-chauvinist pig, that one. Or, actually, male-chauvinist pawn).
I wonder if Harry will be able to prevent the war, but with the determination of Lady Tenabra, it doesn't seem likely. It'll be interesting to see how both sides will act in preperation for the now-anticipating war, with both orders in their early stages of forming.
One thing I saw:
+ ...which led to the next sobering revelation; With all of her hearings and most of her regular meetings canceled, her calendar was nearly empty.
^ The 'with' here doesn't need to be capitalized, as you're not starting a new sentence. :)
Overall, it was yet another interesting development, which I've come to expect from you! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hello, again.
A lot happened in this chapter, and it seems that you picked up on most of it. The world is definitely spiraling towards conflict. Lady Tenabra has engineered the circumstances masterfully. She even has a media outlet spouting propaganda for her. Anyone who follows U.S. politics won't have to ponder too hard to figure out where I came up with that idea.
I'm not sure whether the scene with Lucy turned out exactly like I hoped. I meant for Lucy to come across as a little more sympathetic by the end of it, but I think she probably came across as a complete prat, just like her father in OoTP. Which I was not trying to do, unless of course, you like it, in which case that was the plan all along. ;-)
Xerxes is a complete pig. I'm glad that comes through. And, yes, he is also just a pawn. I'm still tying to decide whether he should die a horrible death at some point.
That semi-colon was a late addition, so it's not surprising that I missed the capitalization. I'll patch it up.
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Hello again! :)
I read your response to my last review, and I totally understand where you're coming from with the unconventional characterization of Ginny. It makes sense since it was only the beginning of the school year; I was forgetting that. ^^
I think you did a really good job with this chapter; portraying Hermione's and Ginny's contrasting views was very unique. It makes sense that in these tough circumstances being the different people that they are, they would have different solutions to their problems. The use of the song lyrics also effectively helped to convey that message.
I think you characterized Hermione brilliantly; I had no problem at all following her train of thought. The descriptions of her longing for things to be back to normal, and of her analysis of Ron, were flawless and seemed realistic. All of this seemed that this could very well be a missing moment of canon, and I commend you for that!
One thing I noticed:
+ ...gingerly folding her shirts and pants and tucking them carefully into her bag, which she had charmed to make it bottomless.
^ The 'it' here isn't needed, and the sentence would flow better without it.
Overall, it was this was a very well-written piece. Good job! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Ooh, thanks for that! I see what you're saying, and I may go back and edit it later when I have more time. I appreciate you pointing it out.
It seemed like it came from canon? Oh my, thank you! That was one of my goals in writing this piece (and many of my one-shots). I'm glad that the song lyrics were effective and the contrasting moods came across well for you. That's so good to hear!
Thanks for another kind (and quick) review :)
academica Report Review
Look, a quick response this time to make up for last time! xD
A quick thing about the first sentence:
+ Victoire managed to hold it together long enough to report the incident calmly to her boss and the head of Werewolf Capture and get home without incident.
^ Your grammar and spelling errors were flawless this time atound; I just noticed another repetion of words here, with the word 'incident'. :) Oh, and I read your last review response; that makes sense now that I think about it. Silly me, I think it just looked weird to me at the time. xD
I think your chapters are still going strong; each one brings more developments and layers to the story. This one, especially: though it was leaning a bit on the fluffy side (but don't worry, we all need a bit of fluff in our lives! :D), it still brought to life some important conflicts, like Vic's insecurities and Teddy's reaction. I think you dealt with the issues here really well by not brushing them off; bringing in Harry and the talk of conflicting sides at the Ministry makes the event seem more realistic and not, 'oh, that happened last night, but everyone will soon forget'. :)
Your characterizations are also really good. I think your characterization of Victoire is one of my favorites; and Harry didn't seem OOC at all. Teddy's role in everything was right on cue and just as I expected, since his dad was a werewolf, after all. I think I said this before, but I also liked the bit of fluff this chapter brought, which contrasted nicely with the more serious issues.
Overall, it was another great chapter! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Oh, it looked weird to me, too - I spent at least a minute or two trying to figure out whether it should be capitalized or not. Thank you for not hating me. :P
Thank you so much for pointing out the word "incident." It's always one or two little things that just manage to slip by me. Ugh. I hate that.
I'm really glad you liked this chapter. I know that it's a bit more fluffy and definitely has a bit of a different tone compared to chapter 3, but like you said, I did think that it was important to show the conflict and to portray Victoire and Teddy's relationship in a way that wasn't completely doom-and-gloom.
Thank you so much for your review. I really appreciate it. :) Report Review
Hello! This is Chocolate_Frog from the forums with your requested review! :)
I've read the first three chapters, but since you mentioned that you wanted more feedback on the third I'll be reviewing this one. First, I'll start off with a few quick notes on chapters 1 and 2.
I think your first chapter was done exceptionally. This was a great idea, and you've portrayed it really well. I loved the insight onto the Marauders' Sorting, and the little touches you added to make the story yours (James's voice was by far my favorite--I liked the little comment about McGonegall and his dad you slipped in their too; this explains why he tried so hard in Transfiguration). My only problem (because I'm a stickler for canon) is that in the books, Andromeda is actually a Slytherin, not a Hufflepuff.
Chapter 2 was a great continuation, also; I think the alternating POVs are really working well for you. I did notice, however, a few grammar mistakes, such as using 'would of' instead of 'would have'. Perhaps you could consider getting a Beta; they help loads! :)
Right then, on to this chapter. I really enjoyed this chapter and getting to know more about what's happening in all four of the Marauders' minds. Your characterizations are spectacular; they seem canon and yet uniquely yours at the same time! I especially liked the flashback during Sirius's POV; it sheds some light on why Kreacher hates him so much later on. You seem to have really thought everything through, and I commend you for that!
Two things that I found a bit discouraging while reading this were the few errors (Like in this sentence: "Father pushed the head into my arms, and held in there as I attempted to recoil", where the 'in' should be 'it') and the weird spacing between paragraphs. I still stand by my suggestion of getting a Beta, and a quick edit! :)
Oh, and your use of the same word to end each chapter (Yes, I noticed) was brilliant. This story was a great read so far. Feel free to re-request once the next chapter's up! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Thank you for this review :)
I was wondering about getting a Beta for this fic, but as it's going to be a long one - I don't want to make someone feel obliged that they have to do it all! But I've got a great beta for one of my other fics, so I'll ask if they can take a look :D
Oh! Thank you so much for pointing out the errors! I keep re-reading it and seem to skim over them! So thanks :D
Andromeda is a SLYTHERIN? :O Oops! That's so annoying as I was trying to keep it as canon as possible! Well, I might re-edit that bit then :D
Thanks for the review :) Report Review
Hello! This is Chocolate_Frog here with your requested review! :)
First of all, one quick thing:
+ My fingers tapped softly on my parchment causing my neighbour to shoot me an irritated look.
^ There were a few instances in this chapter that could have done with a comma to make it flow better, such as this, where a comma could be placed after 'parchment'.
I thought you wrote this chapter really well; it really set the scene for the rest of the story, and unlike being just another introductory-type first chapter, a lot happened. The twist to Snape's Worst Memory and the close attention to detail made it all the more believable. I also liked the conflict the last line established; it would be hard to believe that James and Lily would put aside all past grievances virtually overnight. Great job!
Your characterizations worked very well for this story; none of them seemed OOC at all. There's one thing I'd like to comment on, though, and it's more for flow than anything else: the spacing is messed up sometimes, which disrupts the flow. I noticed that some paragraphs don't have double returns, and some dialogue where the same person was speaking landed on two different paragraphs, which made it a bit confusing to read. This is nothing a quick edit can't fix, though! :)
Overall, it was a great chapter. Feel free to re-request once the next one's up! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Thanks for all the advice Chocolate Frog :) I'm really glad you think it's well written and believable and the characters lived up to their names. I hope it continues throughout the rest of the story.
Thanks again for reviewing :) Report Review
Hello! This is Chocolate_Frog back for another re-request! ^^
First of all, some mistakes that I spotted:
+ It was a fairly large, with about twenty desks lined up in rows, each surrounded by a low pin-board.
It would make more sense if you put 'It was fairly large' or 'It was a fairly large room'. :)
+ You will also accompany me in the field, once I'm are happy that you're up to scratch...
I'm pretty sure the 'are' here is a typo. xD
+ But we're all going to have to do a little more in the way of multi-tasking so few people and so much work to do.
I think there's a bit of punctuation missing between 'multi-tasking' and 'so'.
That being said, I really liked this chapter. You really paid explicit attention to detail--from the descriptions of the Ministry to the explanations of Harry and Ron's training--and I commend you for that. It's always nice to read a story where an author knows her stuff. :)
I also liked the introduction of Fortescue (any relation at all to Florean? xD) and Gawain, as well as the return of Hestia. You established really good dynamics in this chapter, and I'm looking forward to seeing how they all will play out.
Overall, it was a great chapter! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hello! Thanks once again for the helpful review. I'll address the typos/mistakes in my edits (first one will be posted shortly)
Yes, Ben might well be related to Florian:-) I'm glad you liked him! The ministry scenes were fun to write, and we'll be spending lots more time there, so I hope you like how it all develops. Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection