first off, i read your response to my last review and it made me laugh because the thought of somebody freaking out over me seems ridiculous. thank you though, hahaha. i can't believe people like my stories so much.
i'm really excited about this story. because, you know, who doesn't like a good love/hate relationship? at least i'm assuming there's going to be love.
...there will be love. I DEMAND IT.
james. i feel like... hmmm. i feel like he really doesn't care about things at all, and addie's kind of ocd-ish in a way about having things done properly. which makes sense, given that she is/was an auror. so yeah. me thinks i see conflict arising over that minor difference. although, he did kind of have a point when he said "my house, my rules." #conflicted
is it appropriate to use hashtags in reviews? oh well, i'm doing it anyway.
i love hugo and addie's friendship, especially the way they met. it's so not cliche and definitely seems a bit more realistic than meeting on a train and instantly becoming best friends. also, hugo is adorbs. a little school boy crush, awww :)
oh, and i absolutely despise olives. they're abominations of nature. ugh. disgusting things.
update soon and all that good stuff!Author's Response: Hello! :)
Face it girl, you and your stories are extremely wonderful and supremely freakoutover-able.
Your wish is my command, though it will take many chapters to come to frutition.
You are spot on with Addie- she's based off a bit on my sister, who's the biggest neat-freak you'll ever meet. As for James, he is #enigmatic.
(I used a hashtag in my response, so it's alright to use them in the reviews, methinks.)
Hugo is my angel. And like his father, he goes around fancying middle-aged pub-owning women. He's precious. Also, Addie/Hugo friendship FTW!
Ugh, olives. Just plain horrible. :(
Thanks for the fantastic review,
-Akansha. Report Review
oooh. this story. i like it.
the plot is so unique, it's funny, and just a really flowing read. plus i love your descriptions - nicely done, my dear.
anyhoo, i love addie's character. she reminds me of myself in a sort of difficult and snarky way. i think she and james should present an interesting clash of personalities, so i'm looking forward to that.
speaking of james, i'm intrigued. i love stories where he's the troubled, dark, and brooding one.
HUGO. yes. i've always pictured him as a bit of a hipster or just an easy-going guy, which is what i got from your characterization. so snaps for that. it made me happy. :3
update soon! i'll be waiting!Author's Response: Not 1 day ago, my friend and were discussing how we'd react if one of those authors whose stories we really loved read and reviewed our stories. i can now say i have an answer.
OHMYFREAKINGGOD!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE ALL THAT JAZZ AND THUNDER AND SHENANIGANS! YOUR STORIES ARE FLAWLESS!!
Right, moving on to the actual response, thanks so much!
Addie and James are going to be like a couple of fighting rams, always at loggerheads, just you see.
There's a reason surly, dark, brooding James is a cliche. He's loved by everyone.
Hugo is my darling. I actually have a friend like him in real life, so characterization was somewhat easy and really flowed.
As a matter of fact, I'm posting the next chapter sometime tomorrow. so be on the lookout!
Lots of love,
-Akansha. Report Review
um, yeah. that was a surprise. wow. did not see that one coming. you know, at all. i'm pretty sure if daddy knew about that little secret, flora would not be within one hundred miles of that boy. jeez.
OH MY GOD WHAT IF AL'S CHILD IS A GIRL? THEN THE TITLE OF THE STORY COULD BE REFERRING TO HIS KID INSTEAD OF FLORA. CONSPIRACY THEORY. :O
i really like this story, by the way, even though i haven't reviewed yet. i really don't like flora, though, which is kind of weird because generally you're supposed to like the main characters. but i guess that's the point?
but i love al and all his sulky brattiness. just because sulky brats are fun. and also because he seems like a edgy hipster. well, his friends do, anyway.
so yeah. i'm gonna keep this short because i still have to read that last chapter of being summer and then pack to go back to school - rawr. mmkay.
(and i did have a lovely holiday, thanks for asking.) Report Review
THIS IS THE ONE THOUSANDTH REVIEW. I TOLD YOU I WOULD DO IT.
I actually have not read this chapter yet because I really don't have time right now, but I will as soon as my life calms down a bit. Hopefully tomorrow. But I'm sure it will be very lovely ♥Author's Response: YES, YOU DID TELL ME THAT YOU WOULD DO IT YOU BEAUTIFUL LITTLE ANGEL, YOU.
oh, you really are insane. but seriously, thank you so much. i really appreciate both the review and you going to all this effort. much love, my darling. and i hope you're really enjoying college ♥♥
ellie :) xx Report Review
URGH. I FORGOT HOW MUCH I HATE KANE. HE IS HORRIBLE. I HOPE FREDDIE PUNCHES THE CRAP OUT OF HIM.Author's Response: ahaha, you're a nutter, you ;) and freddie does, but you already know that one :P
ellie :) xx Report Review
All right, so I am determined to be the one thousandth reviewer on this story, and I am going to achieve that. The review count now is 997, but I am going to change that.
Here's my review for chapter one:
Right... so, Summer. Interesting character. And James. Ooh, I wonder what's going to happen between them? I wonder if they're ever going to get caught? I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA.Author's Response: you, my little friend, are a wonderful person, but you are vair, vair insane my darling. must have been bugging you that that little number wasn't moving ;)
alright, let's do this... pit.
you know, i can imagine how frustrating it is for you to sit there and read this chapter and just have no idea what is going to happen or who it is going to happen with... ;)
ellie :) xx Report Review
Aww, this was so fluffy and cute and AWW. I just adore little one-shots like this (and not only because it has James II in it).
I kind of figured that James had a little thing for Mia when she mentioned about how they help each other with school work; that's such a typical guy thing to do. You know, "I want to make it known that I like you without making it obvious even though it so totally is because this is the oldest trick in the book." That kind of thing. It was cute! Aww, Jamesie ♥
I would definitely read that one-shot about Louis and Mia. I quite enjoyed Mia's ramblings on him, and I've just always really liked Louis as a potential character for reasons unknown. So yeah, write it!
Anyway, good job with the one-shot! I honestly wouldn't have known that it was out of your comfort zone. Be proud :DAuthor's Response: I'm a next gen junkie, so I understand!
It is such a boy thing to do. He was looking for his way in, and it was the only option he could think of! It was also the easiest way for me to help define their relationship, because I didn't want there to be the confusion that they were best friends, but I also didn't want it to seem like an unrequited one sided love.
Louis is a character I'm in love with and I haven't even written him before. In my head he's a bit arrogant, but he's good deep down. I'm definitely writing that one shot!
Thank you so much! It definitely was out of my comfort zone, so I'm glad you liked it!
~Cassie Report Review
Oh my goodness. It's finally happened. I've caught up with the story. You need to stop updating so quickly so I have more time to read. Seriously. You're like a freaking machine.
Anyway. I don't really remember what I was going to talk about, so this is going to be really random. Ready? Okay.
I read the little chapter summary thing before I clicked on it and I was like, "YES. MARRY KYLE. YYEESS."
And then I read the chapter and SHE DIDN'T MARRY KYLE. Needless to say, I was disappointed.
But back to the story - woah. I've missed a lot. FYI, this is going to cover like all the chapters that I missed, so try and keep up.
Jack and Summer. Connor and Dom. Fred and Penny. Gaaahh there was so much coupleness. But no Kyle. And James. Jamesss. I get that he was hurt - really, I do - especially because he's so used to being the best at everything - but seriously, man? LET IT GOOO. She was drunk. Stuff happens.
One thing I don't understand: James was all like, "But you agreed to be with only meee," and Summer was all like, "But I'm sorry (or something like that)," and James was still like "But you agreed to be with only meee." I just don't get that - I always thought that friends with benefits were like "oh, I think you're hot, but I can still be with someone else if I want." You know? Like, the point is that you /don't/ have to be exclusive. That's why you do one of those things, or at least that's what I thought. I think James is messed up in the head - nope, he's /definitely/ messed up in the head. Idiot.
Oh, and another thing. SUMMER. She doesn't want to date someone because she doesn't want to be tied down, but yet she goes and says she'll be exclusive with James? What are you thinking, woman? Come on.
Right. Okay. Summer's family. This is actually really hitting home with me because I have a friend who's kind of going through the same thing. She actually said to me, "I always wondered why they even got married in the first place." That kind of seems like what Summer found out from James - about her parents not really loving each other. And I do think that was a good thing to put in there, all of that background stuff, because it /does/ explain a lot of things about what's going and why Summer's so crazy in the head. I dunno if I'm excusing her dad for cheating, but it does explain why he might have done it. I guess I'm just kind of iffy on the whole thing - like, I understand how he was trapped and stuff, but I - I don't know. That's an awful situation to be in.
But really - her roommate's sister? AWKWARD.
JACK. POOR JACK. I WANT HIM. If Summer doesn't want him, I'll take him. Ooh, idea! You should have a chappie image of Jack using Jack from Titanic. *swoons* Just one of my many random thoughts.
And finally Summer and James. Just - askljfdkhgahdka. I don't know what to say about those two. Frustration mostly. I just - they were going to sleep together? I don't know about them, but that would make things so awkward between me and my best guy friend. But hey, they're cool with that kind of stuff. I just wish she hadn't been with Jack when they tried to have a go at it. Especially because James knows what it's like to be cheated on and how awful it feels, but he still was going to do it with her. When she had a boyfriend. And yet he goes after Al for doing the same thing with Natalie? Sounds a bit hypocritical to me, Jimmy.
Wait - I've thought of something else. Summer's character development. I /love/ the character development. Explains a lot of things, you know? So points for that. And she's growing, especially in this last chapter. Good for her.
Oh, and Frennie ♥
Don't let things go bad for them. Please.
So... predictions for the next chapter. Kyle inexplicably proposes to Summer, and she agrees because she suddenly has an epiphany and realizes that Kyle is the coolest swagmaster to walk the face of the planet. James says something along the lines of "you can't get engaged to Kyle because I LURVE YOU," but Summer says "screw you, James," and marries Kyle anyway. And then James goes into a spiraling depression and actually does wind up marrying Summer's mom. THE END.
Oh, right, and my thoughts on a sequel. Nearly forgot about that. Hmm... I don't know. I mean, if you do have a plot idea and you think you could write another one, then yeah, go for it. But don't just write one because people want you too. I think there has to be a really distinct story that needs to be told for you to do one. Also, I think you should consider whether or not this story wraps up well. If everything gets tied together nicely at the end, then I wouldn't write a sequel. But if there are still things up in the air, then I think it would be all right to do one. There are a bunch of different factors to consider, me thinks. Report Review
NO. NO, NO, NO. YOU ARE GOING TO FIX THIS RIGHT NOW. /RIGHT/ NOW. RE-WRITE THE CHAPTER.
AND NO, I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THE JAMES/SUMMER MESS. I AM TALKING ABOUT THE CONNOR AND DOM MESS. AND YOU ARE GOING TO FIX IT.
I WASN'T GOING TO REVIEW UNTIL I CAUGHT UP WITH ALL THE CHAPTERS, BUT NOW I AM BECAUSE OF THIS. ARGH. DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID?
NOW MY WHOLE REVIEWING SCHEDULE HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED.
I'm going to be normal now and point out how much I still completely adore Jack. *swoons* I do miss Kyle, though. He was one cool cat, what with all his swag.
Oh, and thanks for the Freddie/Penelope. At least there was one tiny bit of happiness.
AND NOW FIX THE CONNOR/DOM MESS.
I'M SERIOUS. DO IT.
I'M NOT GOING TO UPDATE JAZZ UNTIL EVERYTHING IS FIXED. THAT IS A THREAT.
(But other than that huge mess, it was a lovely chapter.)Author's Response: WHAT? RE-WRITE THE CHAPTER?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH TIME AND EFFORT THAT WOULD TAKE? NO. I'M LAZY. SOZZLES.
IS THERE EVEN A JAMES/SUMMER MESS AT THE MOMENT? OH WAIT, YES. WHOOPS. I DON'T WANNA FIX IT... MWAHAHA.
I LOVE TAUNTING YOU :P
YES, I DO SEE WHAT I DID AND I AM PROUD OF IT. I AM SMIRKING AT YOU OVER THE COMPUTER SCREEN LIKE A RIGHT LITTLE WEIRDO.
DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A REVIEWING SCHEDULE? STRANGE...
ooh good, we're no longer writing in all caps. i adore jack too, but sadly we seem to be the only ones that love him :( kyle will have to come back soon...
yes, there was nice chunk of frennie flavoured happiness there.
NAHHH. AND DON'T YOU MESS CONDOM DISASTER? that sounds so wrong...
WAIT, WHAT?! THAT'S CRUEL! THAT IS SO VERY NASTY! I AM SURPRISED AT YOU, ERIN! I'M GONNA GO CRY NOW!
thank you :D
ellie :) xx Report Review
Okay, so first I must inform you that I am still pondering the Kyle situation. And I have no answer yet. But I shall continue to ponder!
Next, I must say that I am very annoyed with myself for not getting the Jack/Rose/Titanic reference until you pointed it out to me. I LOVE THAT MOVIE. I cannot believe I didn't see the whole thing with the names. 'Tis very clever, I applaud you :D
Now I shall comment on Freddie because you know I love him. See, you wrote a chapter from James's POV, so I think you should write a chapter from Freddie's POV. Because /obviously/ he is the main character here... and I can just imagine the hilarity that will ensue. Oh, and HE'S IN LOVE WITH PENNY. Just saying. This chapter confirmed it, so don't tell me otherwise because I KNOW.
And now, finally: ZKLJZKLJAKJSDAK. Yes, ZKLJZKLJAKJSDAK. We were so close to the James/Natalie secret and then you kept cutting it off and GAH. But, I have a suspicion. I mean, I kind of thought it ages ago whenever Al last appeared in the story, but I thought it was completely absurd and would never be right. ANYWAY, when James was chatting with Lily about Al, I got to thinking again that he might be the reason that James and Natalie hit Splitsville. And then the suspicion kept nagging and growing and then James was talking about "giving permission to them" and Natalie not wanting "them" (James and Mystery Person, who is clearly Al in my head) to have a falling out like they did before and I was like "YES! I HAVE FIGURED IT OUT! ALL HAIL MY MAGNIFICENT BRAIN POWER!"
BUT THEN AL WAS KISSING SUMMER.
AND THEN MY THEORY ALMOST WENT FLYING OUT THE METAPHORICAL WINDOW.
AND NOW I AM CONFUSED.
BUT NATALIE WAS UPSET ABOUT SEEING AL.
AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY SUMMER IS ALL OVER AL. I SHALL HAVE TO PONDER THIS AS WELL.
AND I AM OVER-ABUSING THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON RIGHT NOW.
YOU BETTER UPDATE SOON, OR ELSE I WILL WRITE MY ENTIRE NEXT REVIEW IN CAPS LOCK. YES, THAT IS A THREAT.
Oh, and I still love Connor ♥Author's Response: you go ahead and ponder that kyle situation, darling. you go ahead and ponder. ponder until you're blue in the face, and then keep pondering. you can be a queen ponderer.
I LOVE THAT MOVIE TOO. best movie ever. i cannot wait to go and see it in 3D, i am so excited. thank you. i do like being applauded. so yeah, had to sneak in my sneaky little titanic references here and there. what would the story be without a couple of references?
freddie. freddie freddie freddie. i think it is impossible not love freddie, he is just so goshdarn adorable. ahaha, a chapter from freddie's point of view... i dont think that bloke has enough thoughts to fill an entire chapter, sorry love. it would probably be something along the lines of 'penny, biscuits, oh look at the shape of that cloud, fit girl, where is my handbag, penny, i looove my friends, what's for dinner?, should i buy some man lipstick to go with my handbag..., penny'. not really enough to fill a chapter.
ZKLJZKLJAKJSDAK!? honestly, ZKLJZKLJAKJSDAK!? i deserve a ZKLJZKLJAKJSDAK? wow. the james and natalie secret it in the next chapter -- i mean, everything is pretty much broken down and explained step by step. so you'll see everything. im not going to tell you if you're right, but the whole point of this chapter was for you to be able to guess what happened without being told. well, we shall see in the next chapter if i too should be hailing your magnificent brain power.
YES, AL IS KISSING SUMMER.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD READ STORIES AWAY FROM YOUR METAPHORICAL WINDOWS THEN, SO THEY CANT FLY OUT.
DONT BE CONFUSED.
NATALIE WAS UPSET ABOUT SEEING AL, YES.
YES, YOU WILL HAVE TO GO BACK TO YOUR PONDERING AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHY SUMMER WAS SNOGGING AL.
I AM ABUSING THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON BACK, LOVE.
RIGHT... THE MOST DANGEROUS THREAT EVER... AN ENTIRE REVIEW IN CAPS LOCK?! I AM SHAKING IN MY BOOTS.
thank youu :D i love connor soo much. nearly as much as jack :D
ellie :) xx Report Review
Oh my gosh I just finished reading all of this up to chapter 13 and then I went to the story main page and there was another chapter up and I was like yay! Sorry, rambling.
Anyway, I really love this chapter. Like, a lot. Because Spencer is such a freak and she reminds me of me so I love her :) I thought the kissing scene was so well written. I mean, I'm not talking about the actual kissing bit (well, I am), but more so Spencer's thoughts throughout the whole thing. I found her freak out totally justified and realistic.
Spencer and James are so cute together that I can hardly stand it. It's just one giant ball of fluff that I want to hug all day long :D Like a bunny! Just GAH so cute and perfect for each other.
But I have to say that my favorite character is probably Freddie. He's so awesome; I love him. And I may be secretly rooting for a Spencer/Freddie... just because I think that would be sooo hilarious.
So... update soon?
That is all.Author's Response: Wow! You marathoned this? Thank you! I'm so glad that you enjoyed it! A lot of people tell me that Spencer reminds them of themselves and I just think it's so funny because she's an exaggerated version of myslef. IF WE ALL MET IN REAL LIFE WE'D BE, LIKE, BFFs.
I'll admit that I was pretty nervous about the kiss; I've never written anything like that and it was surprisingly hard! So thanks, I'm glad you liked it :)
Oh gosh, Spencer and James. I love them; they're adorable. And Freddy! You're actually not the first person to tell me that you secretly ship Freddy and Spencer. They'll have a lot of "moments" in this story, but I'm sorry to say that they won't ever be a couple. But it sure would be amusing!
Thank you for reading and reviewing; I'll try to update soon :D Report Review
Heeeyyy, finally back for another review. I'm not really sure what you want me to talk about here, so I'm probably just going to ramble. Kay? Kay.
So. HENRY! Yay! I love the way you described him; I could really tell that Keira cares about him a lot. That being said, it's nice to know that she does find faults with him, like when he was "nagging" her about being safe. Maybe this is just her little pet peeve or something, I don't know, but it felt like it could be something bigger. So even though Keira holds Henry up pretty high in her mind, she realizes that he isn't perfect, which is great.
I had one question about the Henry scene, though. They're all running furiously back to Ravenclaw Tower to escape Filch and talking about McGonagall catching them out of bed, but didn't Reyna and Keira just get done with detention? And didn't Henry /just/ get back to school? What I'm asking is wouldn't they sort of have a "free pass" because they both had reasons for being out of bed? I don't know, that just bothered me a bit.
Oh, and Keira says, "My spotless record was in tact." But she just had detention...?
Loved the Ravenclaw riddle ♥
I LOVED Keira's reaction to Madison; it was so perfectly girly and jealous. Her snide little thoughts about dear old Mads were pretty entertaining, I thought, and I adored how she just casually slipped in "boyfriend" during this bit: "Henry! You're back!" she shrieked, wrapping her scrawny arms around my boyfriend.
The Fat Lady was fun and seemed very Canon to me. And GAH I loved Sirius interrupting them; I really like the fact that we haven't seen a lot of him yet. I mean, I know that something's going to happen with him and Keira, obviously, but I like that you're taking things slowly right now and kind of keeping him enigmatic. I always enjoy reading his comments, even if they're only a few short sentences.
I'm not quite sure how I feel about the Barton potions scene yet. I mean... I don't know. It felt almost unnecessary to me. I just - I didn't really see a point to it as of now. Maybe this will become important later on in the story; I don't know what's going on in your head, so I can't really judge. But I'm just personally meh on it right now.
I must confess that I'm still rooting for a Keira/Remus sometime in the future. I mean I like Henry and everything, there's nothing wrong with him, but I still adore Remus. He's always been my favorite :D So, if you haven't written too far ahead yet... Hinthint. Winkwink.
I honestly don't think I have a lot more to talk about. I thought everything about the flow and pacing was fine, and there were very few grammar mistakes that I noticed. There were a couple, yes, but they didn't really bother my reading at all. I really enjoyed the chapter overall; my eyes just wanted to skip ahead down the page. Even though it was fairly long, it felt really short while I was reading it. So good job on that :)
Okay, that is all for now. I bid you farewell!Author's Response: You take as long as you like. I'm happy to wait forever for your reviews. XD
Oh god, yes. The beginning certainly isn't my favourite, and it will certainly be getting some editing when I have inspiration. I'll go fix the 'free pass' and detentions thing ASAP though. (This is what happens when I don't edit my edits... *sheepish smile*)
But I am glad that you like Henry here though, because I love him (way more than I planned to actually. It's a bit of an issue... :/) Oh, and Madison. Dear oh dear. My favourite character she is *cough* but she's excellent fun to write and I love using her to stir drama, hehe.
I actually had SO much fun with the Ravenclaw riddle. Seriously. WAY too much fun coming up with that, haha. I'm glad that you loved it though. That makes me happy. ^_^
Sirius! That was actually my beta's idea (isn't she brilliant?) and I had so much fun writing that. Getting into Sirius' head is great fun. I'm glad that you like his little appearances every now and again. They become far more regular as the story goes on though. ;)
I get what you mean about the potions scene. It's sort of relevant to something i'm working on including later, but I agree that it's not the best. It'll be getting editing along with the rest of the chapter when I get inspiration as to how to fix it up a bit. Cheers for the comments though. It's good to get feedback on stuff like that, because I have a better idea of which bits actually need to go/get re-worded, etc. :)
Haha, Remus is a favourite of mine too, although he doesn't get paired with Keira, sorry to disappoint. I'll try and work in yet another character (equally sarcastic and opinionated, of course :P) for him later down the track, yes? I still have a whole cast of characters that haven't been introduced yet, and others that I wish to expand upon.
Thanks so much for yet another brilliant review, and I do believe I've already re-requested. (I'm a constant pest, I'm well aware :P)
- Adele :) Report Review
Right, so I am writing this as I am reading because this is a monstrously long chapter. Okay.
My Freddie. Sigh. HE IS OBVIOUSLY IN LOVE WITH YOU, PENNY. STOP BEING STUPID AND REALIZE THINGS, WOMAN. And I know this is like a serious moment and stuff, but I just find it funny that Penny is the one comforting Fred. But it's oh-so adorable because they obviously care so much about each other.
Oh, and I love Connor knowing the secret. His little smirking is so adorable. GAH I love him.
Ooh, they're giving out Jack Goldstein dolls? I want one! I like Jack; he seems very nice. I just have the feeling that he and Rose aren't going to go that far. *coughScorpiuscough* He should wind up with someone nice, though.
KYLE! Oh, I love Kyle. He's so deliciously evil. Yum. And the banter between him and Summer? Double yum. But at the same time I'm a bit suspicious of him. Why-oh-why does he want her to go on a date with him? Hmm. This shall require further pondering as he doesn't seem much like a 'date' guy. Anyway.
James... Seriously, I have no idea /what/ is going on in his head. Okay, well the first bit was justified, yelling at Kyle, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. But then AKDJSFAGHKLSS HIS GIRL. Let's look at the facts here, buddy. You call her "your girl," you get jealous when she even talks about other boys, and you don't want her kissing other people. WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU? James is quite possibly the strangest person ever. And that goes for Summer too. Think about things for two seconds. Seriously.
NO. NO. NO. PENNY CANNOT BE PREGNANT. NO. I WILL NOT ALLOW IT. IF YOU HAVE WRITTEN THAT, GO BACK IN AND DELETE THE ENTIRE CHAPTER. That is all.
Yay for Freddie! Karma for Kane. You get what you dish out, buddy. Yeah. Oh, and I love the way Fred is the only one who calls her Penelope. It's so cute and just AW ♥ I can't wait to see what Dom's cooked up for these two.
Phew that was long. Ooh, next chapter is from James's POV? Yay! Maybe I can finally understand that boy... Meh. Probably not.
Update soon, please. For me?Author's Response: it is a very long chapter. i need to learn to stop rambling. nah, cant be bothered.
yeah - penny has been abused by her boyfriend for goodness knows how long, staggers back to the common room after breaking up with him and being beaten up, and ends up being the one that comforts fred. thats... odd. but hey. whatevs. cool.
much more connor-smirking to come, dont you worry...
i looove jack. he's such a sweetheart. hes like the ideal bloke - but unfortunatley, we might have to make do with the dolls. because i dont think you can get blokes like him in real life. we shall see about jack and rose (titanic reference, anyone?) and what scorpy-boy seems to think about that :P
ahaha, i love writing summer and kyle scenes. its just so amusing, how much he bugs her. kyle will also be later in the story - though i do look forward to hearing the results of your pondering.
james' head must be a very difficult place to be. yeah ~ he calls her his girl, throws a hissy over the fact she sat with someone else at dinner, over the fact she kissed someone else... but then they decide as a pair that they do not want to date. because that just makes perfect sense. i dont think their logic makes sense to anyone other than them. and summer is just as bad.
WELL YOU DONT HAVE TO WORRY BECAUSE PENNY IS NOT PREGNANT SO THEREFORE I DO NOT HAVE TO GO BACK AND DELETE THIS CHAPTER WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN ANNOYING BECAUSE I HAD TO WRITE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
ahaha, im sure a lot of people were looking forward to karma catching up with old kane. in the form of the delicious freddy weasley. you're the first one to notice that, you know ~ that he is the only one to call her penelope. so well done :D
yeah, it is. im a bit worried about it, i have a feeling that it's going to suck and everyone is going to throw things at me. gah. but we shall see.
its in the queue :D thank you so much,
ellie :) xx
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ELLIE.
GAH. You know how much I love Freddie/Penny. You did this just for me, didn't you? Aw, how sweet. (Just kidding, I know it wasn't for me)
But AKDLKXJKLAGHL I hope Freddie kills Kane. Is that a bad thing?
EEP I don't even know what to write right now.
So much for this being a good review.
*sigh* You always leave me such lovely reviews, and all I can do is this. ^^
Seriously, Freddie better beat the snot out of that kid.
Oh, and I love Connor.
Yeah.Author's Response: YOU'RE WELCOME YOU'RE WELCOME YOU'RE WELCOME YOU'RE WELCOME!
you know, i did have a rough inkling that you were a fred/penny fan, i have to say... not sure where i got that impression from, though. pfft. of course i did it for you, what do you mean!?
this is a vair vair good review ~ its lovely.
nooo, i dont think its a bad thing that you want freddie boy to beat the living daylights out of kane ~ im sure most people do :P
im sure connor loves you too.
muchos love, ellie :) xx Report Review
Yes! The return of Suspicious Letter Writing Potter! I really enjoyed him and his suspicious letter writing nature, to be perfectly honest. He's quite different than the Jameses (is that the plural?) in your other ones, isn't he? Aw, he's such an annoying little idiot. So cold and whatnot. Refreshing.
ANYWAY. I'm really excited to see how this story pans out; it seems as if the plot is going in a good direction. I love all of Amiee's spunk and sarcasm and just general bad luck. Though I do have to say that she reminds me a tad bit of Summer, but slightly snarkier and quite probably more violent.
Ooh, I can't wait for the next chapter. I'm wondering if SLW Potter is going to feed her words or if she's going to have to improv on the spot. Hmm...
Oh, and I just wanted to point out that she's attracted to him. That means there will be some Aimee/SLW Potter action at some point in the future. Am I right? RIGHT?
That is all.Author's Response: aaah, the long awaited return of Suspicious Letter Writing Potter. he is quite different to the other jameses (i think that must be the plural) in my stories, as none of them have that signature Suspicious Letter Writing Nature. yar. we'll see if you still think it's refreshing in the future.
thank you, im glad you think that :D aimee is very similar to summer, except she is more violent, more sarcastic and she feels sorry for herself a lot more. but hopefully the two will become more defined from one another in the future.
well, it's a tossup really, isnt it? he's not really nice enough to help her, but he is relying on her... we'll see how SLW potter deals soon :D
WELL IM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU IF YOURE RIGHT BECAUSE THAT WOULD RUIN THE STORY AND THAT WOULDNT BE COOL. NO. IT WOULDNT.
thank you for another lovely review, ellie :) xx Report Review
All righty, I read this last night at some ridiculously late hour, so you'll have to forgive me if this review turns out poorly. I tried my best to take mental notes while I was reading - hopefully I can remember everything!
Right, so my first thoughts while I was reading this were about characterization, which coincidentally you had asked about in your request. I don't think you have anything to worry about here, especially with Gwen - she's far from a Mary Sue, she has flaws, but most importantly, she's relatable. I thought that the first few paragraphs did a very nice job with expressing her character and who she is, so good job with that. She's also very entertaining; I found her thoughts on Kat the Evil One to be highly amusing :) On that note, I loved the paragraph about James because I think it's helping me to see him more clearly (the bit about him not bringing girls home). Don't change it, it was good.
Then you wanted to know about flow. I think that overall there was a definite improvement in the flow in this chapter from the previous three. I barely found myself stopping at all while reading, and the transitions in the text felt very natural. There were very few grammar mistakes that I picked up on, so congrats on that. I guess the only thing that's really still bothering me is the dialogue tags, but we've already had a discussion about that, so I won't go into any more detail on that subject. But speaking of dialogue tags, I did notice how you started breaking it up more and varying the structure, like breaking the quotes in the middle instead of having just blunt "he said, she said" bits after each one. So I do see improvement there!
That being said, I would like to comment on something else this time. I think I may have mentioned this before in a review, but I really think you should put more contractions into the narrative/speech of the story. It did distract me a bit as I was reading and took away from the flow. There was one particular bit:
"Daddy! That's Ginny Potter! It is, isn't it? Why is she here? Is she part of this somehow? Or maybe she is starting her career again and she is transferring into Portree? Do you think that could be it? Oh look, she is looking at us now! I think she is smiling. Is she coming this way? I think she is! Oh Daddy, what should I say to her?"
All of those "she is"s should turn into she's, it'll make it sound much better.
Erm, okay. I think that was pretty much all I wanted to talk about... I guess I'll just leave you with my favorite quote then.
"Hi, I hope James isn't bothering you too much..." She said, ruffling her son's hair, as she reached us. The boy let out a grunting sound and tried to fix it back the way it was before. A task that couldn't be very hard in my opinion, as it had been quite messed up to begin with."
And Flashback James was so cute, I loved him! Also, I guess I'll just throw this in, I loved the friendship between James and Gwen in this chapter, especially at the end. I think it was a side of their friendship that we've never seen, and it was very sweet :D
Kay, bye!Author's Response: Heey, glad to see you here again (:
Thanks. I've done a lot of work with my characterization, but it still worries me that it works for others too. That's why it's always nice to hear comments like that! And super glad to hear she's far from a Mary Sue, that's the most important thing!
Yeah, I'm working on that! It should start to get better bit by bit. Hopefully one day there'll be a chapter where you find no problems with the dialogue tags d: But nice to hear I'm improving!
The contractions are something that should also be better after this chapter. I haven't had time to edit these older ones yet, but it was around this time when I noticed that I was doing that. I hadn't even thought about it that much, just wrote and didn't pay attention to things like that. And you know, since this is the first story I let other people read, there has never been anyone to comment about that to me before d: but yeah, should be better in the next chapters (:
But glad to hear you liked it and think that about their friendship! I've had so much fun writing it, so it's nice to see other people like them too!
Thanks again! (: Report Review
Oh my goodness I seriously read all of this like two days ago and I've been waiting for the epilogue. I would love to leave you a really long and lovely review, but I want to be first reviewer for the last chapter of your first completed story (congrats, btw)! So I'm just gonna say that I loved the entire thing and it was so cute and fluffy and adorable and I'm sad that it's over even though I just started reading it but it was so wonderfully fluffy and this is turning into a run-on sentence now so I'm going to stop.
CONGRATS, ELLIE!Author's Response: you did!? im actually quite embarrassed now, because the beginning of this story is absolutley awful. seriously, i cant stand it - right up until chapter... twenty six, when i dont mind it quite as much. blargh. but i appreciate you reading it all the same, thank you so much :D
thank you for being the first reviewer on the last chapter of my first completed story! nobody else can ever hold that title now... wow. feel the power, feel the power.
thank youuu, ellie :) xx Report Review
Hey, it's ShieldSnitch3 from the forums finally here with your review!
All right, so you're just looking for a general reaction, yeah? Well, you said that this was your first story, and to be honest, I'm impressed. It's very well written, a lot better than a lot of what's on here, and the fact this was your first one makes it even better. So I'm just going to touch on a few things, as there's not a lot to say.
First I suppose I'll start with grammar. There weren't many mistakes that I picked up on, so that was very refreshing for me. I think the only things that really jumped out were mostly at the beginning. I noticed a few places where you switched verb tenses, like here: "A vicious slap on the door." That sounds like it's present tense, but everything else in the chapter was past tense. So you might want to go and check back on that. The other grammar thing was that there seemed to be quite a few run-on sentences that I had to read several times to understand. Like here: "She was still smart and smart-mouthed, but now that he was finally taking the time to get to know her without his previous prejudice against muggleborns or his childhood jealousy of Potter that had faded over time, he was able to see that the slightly awkward girl he had known had grown into a woman who was sure of herself and what she wanted, having decided to become a bookseller after not being able to stand being in the public eye after the Great War." That's all one sentence, and I think it would be a bit easier to read if you broke it up into at least two, possibly more. There were a few other sentences like that, so that would possibly be something to look into.
Flow - I thought the flow was pretty good, barring the run-on sentences. Everything seemed to fit together properly, and the breaks in the text felt very natural. Like I said before, this is well written, so I don't think you need to worry about flow at all.
Characterization - thus far, I think it's fine. I didn't see anything OOC, but this was only the first chapter, so that could change. But yeah, as of now, it all looks pretty good. On that note, I'd like to add that I thought it was very unique to write from Draco's perspective - that's not something you usually see. So props to you!
I think the only thing that I can make real constructive criticism on is a bit of a "jump" in the plot. Okay, so Draco's talking about how he runs into Hermione at her book store, yaddah yaddah, and then suddenly he can't stop thinking about her? I don't know, that seems a bit unrealistic to me. I mean, I could see if it if they had run into each other a couple of times, but after the first time... I don't know. It's perfectly fine if you don't really think about it, but I did, so...
And I think that's it! Good job on the story so far :D Hopefully this review helped - if it did, feel free to re-request in the forums!Author's Response: Hey! I'm so glad you could take a look at this. Thanks on your compliments but this isn't my first story, just my first COMPLETED one (that's chaptered) :)
I read that sentence "vicious slap on the door" and I keep trying to see how I could word it differently. Maybe when I get a beta for this, they'll be able to help me on it. I also know I have a tendency for run-on sentences. The one you pointed out actually had me laughing at myself. I've definitely improved on those in writing later on so I just have to go back and fix it :)
I'm very glad that this was natural flow.
I love taking Draco's perspective for some reason. I feel it's easier to write than Hermione. Also, the "jump" in the plot is kind of assuming that you've read the other piece though, most Dramione lovers just kind of accept it :) It's also love at first sight kind of thing.
Thank you so much for this! I'll look you up for the rest of the chapters because this has been so helpful in my time of re-editing!
xChar Report Review
BLARGH. Monster chapter, wasn't it? :O Seriously, everyone was so messed up in this one. It was like Opposite Day (but in a good way, cause you know the plot's chugging right along).
So. From the beginning. AWW, Connor and Dom are too sweet. I love them :D But I did /not/ love Penny's walk of shame. Get it? Got it? Good. Okay.
I adored the scene with Jack Goldstein. I think it was my favorite out of the whole chapter. The way that all the girls were falling over him and all the boys were being over-protective was so adorable. Gee, could you guys be anymore obvious? *cough JamesandFred cough* And then Rose - GAH Rose. Way to go! Female empowerment! Poor Scorp's pretty much screwed, though. He should be learning to watch what he says, not Summer ;)
And then with the Penny and the Freddie... sigh. Can they just seriously get together already? Grrr. This is not okay. They can't be mad at each other. JUST GET IN A BROOM CLOSET ALREADY. I would love to see Kane's reaction to that. (That was a hint, btw.)
And then, of course, there was that thing at the end. If Summer thinks her relationship with James is purely physical, then she is really screwed up in the head. I seriously have no clue what's going to happen now that Connor knows. I'll take a guess though... I'm gonna say that Connor's going to help them figure out that what's going on is something a bit more than snog buddies. (That was another hint.)
Anyway, lovely chapter, as usual. Update soon and stuff :D
P.S. I'm very glad to hear that your two-in-the-morning waffle was delicious.Author's Response: hellooo, love. wow, that sounded cheerful. i need to tone myself down over the internet, or people are going to start to think that there is something wrong with me... everyone was very messed up in this chapter - it was like opposite day. yes. finally, the plot is moving.
hm... you want more penny walks of shame? got it. okay. will remember that in the future.
ahaha, jack goldstein. i love him, i really do. he's just a very charming fellow, and the world needs more charming fellows. i would willingly swap some of my male friends for one of him... yes - connor has a right to be over protective. the other two /really/ need to work on their acting skills.
there is more fred and penny in the next chapter, and i think you'll approve of that a lot more than you approved of this :D and i think kane's reaction to that would most likely land our freddie in the hospital, and thats not good.
summer doesnt like change, and she believes whatever she wants to believe. so because the thing between her and james was supposed to be purely physical, shes convinced herself that it's all they can ever be. whether she wants anything else or not, shes convinced herself she doesnt. connor's reaction is in the next chapter :D
update will be soon, ellie :) xx
P.S. i had another waffle at half one yesterday morning, and thought of you. you're welcome. Report Review
MMM. YUMMY. I WANT A MARK. It's official, I love him.
Anyway, what was I going to say? I forget. But I'm on short time so I'm going to rattle this one off pretty quick. Okay, I liked this chappie, but I liked them all so far, so that's not a huge surprise. Got to say that I /loved/ the Rita Skeeter reference. She needs to retire though. Seriously. Hasn't she done enough tormenting of the Potters? :p
And then the thing with Aimee's name. Gosh, I hate it when people can't spell my name correctly. PEOPLE. THERE ARE ONLY TWO SPELLINGS OF MY NAME. ONE IS FOR A BOY AND ONE IS FOR A GIRL. DO I LOOK LIKE A BOY TO YOU? (I don't. I'm very feminine). Grrr it's so annoying. And I feel like it's only adding on to her dislike of this James character.
On that note, I feel like he's up to something. His letter seemed a bit too suspicious for my taste. Can a letter seem suspicious? Ah, well. It did. James Potter is a suspicious letter writer and I don't trust suspicious letter writers.
Anyway, since I always ask you questions in my reviews now, I'll end with another question. It seems like Mark and James had a falling out of sorts. I don't know, I guess it was just the way he said "And James Potter, of all people!" and seemed really upset. Or it could just be the over-protective big brother side coming out. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. I tend to do that. Am I on the right track or no?
Okay, guess that's it for now. Since you've already got the next chapter written, you should update soon. Yeah.
BYE!Author's Response: I WANT A MARK TOO. if they only have one then we might have to share...
some vultures never changed ~ why would she care that she has messed things up for the potters enough for a lifetime over the years? oh! and before i forget, yes, i was eating a waffle at two in the morning. i get peckish sometimes. its five to eleven at night now and im eating a plate of fries. ... im gonna be fat when im older, arent i?
urgh. people spell my name wrong all the time; elenor, elinor, elena... its eleanor, people. not that hard! they cant even spell ellie right ~ elly, elle, ellee. urgh. so annoying. yeah, it doesnt help james' case, lets put it that way.
james potter is a suspicious letter writer... ill keep that in mind in the future. we have now stuck a label on james sirius potter. he is a Suspicious Letter Writer.
hmm... no, they didnt have a falling out ~ they werent the bestest of friends or anything, but they knew each other well because they were both on the gryffie quidditch team. but it was more of a ~ the whole world watches what he does, you're going to be in papers now, you idiot ~ kind of thing.
update may be going in the queue tonight. or tomorrow. not sure. UPDATE AND ALL THAT JAZZ. RIGHT NOW. this moment!
ellie :) xx
Why, hello there! It's ShieldSnitch3 from the forums here with your review!
So. Yeah. Wow. You asked for my thoughts, there they are :p Seriously, this is really good. You asked if I would want to read more, and I definitely do. You've got me hooked :)
Okay, now onto a real review. First off, I /loved/ the opening line. It was so blunt and short, but it pulled me in. It was kind of a daring move, to be honest, but it worked. Also, I love the lack of dialogue in the chapter. It makes this feel like a prologue, which I guess is appropriate, as it's the protagonist looking back on her life. So yeah, the lack of dialogue added a lot to the tone/mood of the chapter. Just make sure to add some in once the story gets rolling.
I was really intrigued by the theme of the chapter. It's a fascinating concept, really, like the butterfly effect. It's got me wondering what type of choices she made, and how those choices screwed up her life so much. There was this one bit I really loved:
"Then again, maybe it wouldn't have made any difference. Maybe the decisions we make in life are what define us, and to wish a one hadn't been made is something of a sin against ourselves."
Sorry, I'm a philosophy nerd. I love thinking about deep and meaningful questions like this. GAH. That's probably why I'm freaking out about this chapter ;)
I also liked how you started putting in a bit of characterization in this chapter - not too much, but just enough for us to keep in mind as we read on. Talking about the bit that starts with "One boy wouldn't see the implications of his Sorting before it's too late..." here. So yeah, I loved the subtle hints about what's coming up.
All in all, I thought you had a very well written chapter that definitely drew me in to the story. The only slliight issue I found was a few mechanics mistakes, but they were so small that it's hardly worth mentioning. I'm just a grammar freak and pick up on the smallest things, so don't worry. It was just little things like a missing comma in one sentence and two apostrophe marks in a contraction. Overall, the grammar was very good.
Anyway, I hope this review helped! If it did, feel free to re-request because I really want to read more and I'm afraid that I'll forget unless you remind me because life is super-busy right now and I'm rambling so I apologize and I'll stop now :)Author's Response: Sorry I'm like a year late in responding...
Aww thankies!! That's exactly what I was going for, the WOW factor. Kidding...but it's amazing you think that!
That's cool, I was really worried about opening like this, it's so ambiguous and there's like no story or anything, so I'm glad you're getting it!!
I KNOW, right?? I love being all philosophical, adding frustrating mysterious questions, love that you love it!
Kind of wanted to put one action to one main character, so hopefully later we'll see whose actions caused what, if you get what I'm meaning??
Aww that old enemy of mine, so annoyed a few mistakes got through!!
Thanks for reviewing, sorry the reply's so late again! You're a super reviewer! Report Review
Hey, it's ShieldSnitch3 from the forums finally here with your review! You said you wanted me to comment on pacing and flow, so let's get started!
I'm going to start with the flow. To be honest, this was a bit hard for me to assess because of the mechanics mistakes throughout the chapter. There were a lot of missing commas, run-on sentences, etc., which really distracts from the flow of the reading. Commas are probably the most important thing here, as they indicate to the reader when a pause should be taken in the sentence. This is /crucial/ in flow - commas can help to give an almost musical feel, a rhythm, if you will. As far as I could tell, the sentence structure was fairly varied, which is good - you don't want to have all short, simple sentences. It's important to mix it up between simple and complex, and you seemed to do a good job with that. Another thing that goes along with flow is the spacing between the paragraphs. I know the text editor on the site can be difficult, but it really helps the reader when you have a uniform amount of space. Also, the smaller the spaces, the better. The first section of the chapter seemed to be having problems with that more so than the second half, so that's something you'll want to fix up.
Now pace. You didn't take too long in the first section to get into the action, which was good - but after that first bit, the action kind of halted. I did like the transition from the gloom and doom of the first bit into the cheery atmosphere of the train, but I don't know - it didn't grab my attention as much. The introductions to the characters were good, but as the Sorting went on, I felt like the story was dragging. However, I understand that this is an introduction chapter, so we have to meet all of the characters and such.
Now I'd just like to take some time to make a few other comments. Let's start with the constructive criticisms. I won't lie, the opening scene confused me. I found myself re-reading it several times, trying to figure out what was going on. The thing that really got me was that I thought there was only one man in the house, but then suddenly, there were two:
"Avery" whispered the unmasked Death Eater "I'm not here for the child."
"We were instructed-"
"I know!" spat the man his eyes narrowed towards the woman "but seeing as the Prewetts aren't here-" he watched Elizabeth as she instructed Katherine to stay behind her.
"I say screw Lestrange" he pointed his wand at Elizabeth "get Greyback, let him take the kid."
That part really confused me. It was like the Death Eater suddenly multiplied. :O You may want to go back over the first section and work on clarifying it.
My second point is that Katherine hasn't been very well-defined as a character yet. But this could be your intention, as she's supposed to have a mysterious past, yeah? So this lack of information on her could be either a good thing or a bad thing - this being the first chapter, I don't know yet. As of now, though, she's a bit boring.
Now onto the positives! First of all, I adore your Charlie - we don't know very much about him from Canon, so it was nice to read him in this. He seems like a nice foil to Percy. :) Also, I thought your characterizations of Fred and George were spot on. You seem to have a knack for their playful banter - it wasn't over the top, but I could totally see them saying all of those little sarcastic lines. I especially liked the bit about the mirror. :D
I hope this review didn't sound too harsh, as I didn't mean it to be. If it helped, feel free to re-request in the forums. :)
Kay, BYE!Author's Response: Hi *waves* You weren't harsh, it's through CC that we as writers become better.
I didn't catch those run-on sentences, I will go hunt those down *pulls out net*
I'll fix up that second part so it doesn't seem to drag on, maybe remove part of the sorting...
The banter between the Death Eaters, I kept having trouble rewriting that part. It's like when you know where you wanna go but you don't how to get there.
About your second point what I did with Katherine it was done on purpose. She's supposed to seem boring, I did it so the reader later on sees the difference from when she's elven, twelve, to fifteen and sixteen. I love writing Charlie :) I've always seen him as a cool older brother. I'm glad Fred and George seem to be in character *wipes off sweat* I felt like I might ruin them. :)
Thank you for such a detailed review I will re-request. :D Report Review
Hola! Finally back for chapter three! Hooray!
Mmm. Okay. So you wanted me to touch on flow and pace here, yeah? I guess I'll start with the former. I honestly have very little that I can say about the flow. I mean, it's not something like mechanics that you can teach yourself how to do. You either have a natural talent for it or you don't. And you, love, have it. Like I said, not a lot to talk about here. I guess the only thing I would have to say is that I felt like there were kind of "blocks" throughout the chapter. Like, you would have a ton of dialogue and then discuss a backstory for a while. Does that make sense? I mean, it's not a bad thing to include backstories as they add to characterization, but I felt like it could have been a bit more integrated. Hopefully you understand what I mean :) And honestly, it's a flimsy attempt at being constructive on my part, because I can't really find much else to say.
Oh, wait. Never mind. I just thought of something. Okay, so I said above that I felt like it was very dialogue heavy at some places. I would suggest possibly summarizing some of the dialogue? Specifically in the first "section" of the chapter, with all the six and seventh year girls. You had so many characters, and it was a bit difficult to follow. But I do have to say that you're doing a fantastic job balancing all of the characters out. Characterization is not an easy thing, especially when you have so many OCs. So good job with that. Oh, and I really love the way you write Lily. I'm so happy to see a Marauder's Era that does her justice (well, justice in my mind). And Peter. I've probably mentioned this before, but I love you for not forgetting him. I could go off on a whole long section of praise for your characterization, but I shall refrain. ButreallyquicklyIhavetosaythatIloveyourJamestoo. Ahem.
The last thing I want to touch on in for flow is this sentence: "Jack Andrews was an amazing person, caring for his sister when he was at home, and trying his best to be there for her, even when he was away at school, though Mel had developed a special relationship with their house-elf, Polka, who had hated living with their cousin as much as Mel had, and had taken upon the role of raising Mel the way her parents would have wanted." This is really more to do with sentence structure, but this sentence just pulled me out of the story. It was really the /only/ sentence that did that, so don't worry about having any more like this in the chapter. It's just very long and run-on-y, and to be honest, I had to reread it several times to figure out what you were saying.
All right, on to pacing. So far, it seems good. You haven't really smacked us in the face with any huge crisis or anything, but there's enough going on to make me want to read more. (Henry!) That being said, I don't really see much of a plot yet. Since pace has to do with how fast the plot is unfolding, this is a slliiight problem. I'm hoping that there's some sort of conflict for our lovely protagonist in the future? That's really all I can say about pacing for now. It's good, but I would work on developing that plot.
Okay, so I hit on everything you wanted me to talk about. Now I have free rein! WOOT! I think I talked about this in my review for your first (?) chapter, but it's something I think needs to be reiterated. The details. There are wonderful physical details in this, such as how you describe all the characters and the setting. That's awesome, keep it up. And you are getting better at including character details, as in the little backstories, like Mel's. But I would like to see more emotion in the characters - their tone, their vocal inflections, facial expressions, etc., etc.
I'm nearly done now, I just wanted to leave you with my favorite bit from the chappie.
"James frowned toward the portrait hole, and Sirius - damnit.
'Face. Up here,' I said in a warning tone and Black snapped his vision away from my chest."
I don't know why, I just thought that was really funny :) I shall leave now. BYE!Author's Response: Ahhh, i'm finally here to respond. I'm so sorry about the wait! Hooray for chapter 3!
I re-read the chapter and totally see what you mean about the 'blocks'. I'll try and work on that in the future, and go back and edit it here when I have a chance. I also totally get what you mean about that sentence. When it's taken out of the story like that, I wrinkled my nose at it too. I didn't notice before, but you're totally right. I'll edit that up too. :)
I'm so thrilled that you like the details. It's something i've been trying to work on, so hearing that they're working is fantastic. And i'll keep that in mind. I know my description still needs work, so thanks for pointing out what I need to focus on ^_^
And I liked that line too! I'm really happy that someone else enjoys my whacked sense of humour :P
Thanks for the review! I'm defiantly re-requesting. ^_^
- A. Report Review
YES. UPDATE. Has it really been six weeks? Where does the time go? Into school, that's where. Don't worry, I got chu.
I swear, if I don't have a little kid as cute as Jack, I'm going to be so mad. Why do kids in stories and on tv have to be so cute? It makes me sad when I realize that they're never like that in real life. Demon children, all of them.
And the brother/sister bonding. *sigh* I loved the diversity between the two brothers. It was very family-esque and believable. I think I've decided that I like Mark better - his story was kind of sad but it makes me love him. There's something about single fathers, you know? Sadly, my own brother is probably like Brent. Although that could turn out to be a good thing? I haven't decided.
"With a loud bang, we both flew backwards." Could that be where the title comes from? :O Clever, clever. Also, am I spying the beginning of a plot? I SEE IT. I SEE THE PLOT. THE PLOT IS APPEARING. Hooray! Hmm... I'm gonna guess that the clicking noises are cameras. Hence, THE PLOT.
But anyway, I just have one question. Why couldn't Aimee just apparate? I mean, I know because of THE PLOT, but I was just wondering if she can't apparate or something. Maybe she failed her test...
Okay, bye for now. I have to go do schoolwork. Urgh. Update soon... as in not six weeks, kay?Author's Response: thats exactly where time goes. its not fair. they should give all that time back. i mean seriously - five days in, two days off? how is that a fair ratio? urgh.
i want a kid exactly like jack - a little cutie. i know ~ kids are never like that in real life, theyre all evil little devil children. its horrible. why cant they all just be jack clones? that would be nice.
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. single fathers just make my heart melt - especially when the mother isnt in the child's life. because its nearly always single mothers nowadays. mark is my favourite at the moment - but brent becomes more main as the story goes on. my brother is like brent too. that may not be the best thing.
yes, that is where the title comes from. i had to put it in there somewhere. its in the story in other parts, but yeah ~ they 'bang'ed into one another. yups. you guessed right, my little pally wally. i dont care if thats giving stuff away, its obvious.
apparation - thats in chapter four, that, but ill tell you anyway. because she hates doing it, so she screwed up and failed her test. but she hates it so much that shes not bothered. she may have to learn one of these days.
byeee :D i have homework too... boo. and the next chapter is done, and will be in the queue soon :D
ellie :) xx Report Review
GAH THE COUPLENESS OF IT ALL ♥
Can I just say that I want a Scorpius? He's so overprotective that it's amazingly adorable. Oh! And I want a Connor. You know what would be awesome? A Connor-Scorpius hybrid. Can you send me one?
There was so much wonderful fluff in this chapter. *sigh* The Scorose and the ConDom (ha! we are so mature :p). I knew there was going to be Connor/Dom in this one! I KNEW IT. AND IF THEY FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MORNING I WILL HURT YOU. Don't laugh, I'm serious. >:[
Hm, yeah, so James is SUCH a guy. Guys are so annoying... urgh. But you have to love them, don't you? Anyway, I really love the backstory getting introduced here. It seems like everything just fits together. Talking about the James/Summer bit here, just a heads up. And if I'm remembering correctly, didn't this little arrangement happen just a few days after the Natalie Incident? Huh, so James was out getting drunk a few days after the break up. Ooh, intriguing. Hint: I WANT TO KNOW THE SECRET.
And I totally feel for Summer. It's not fun to be the only one drinking a rum-and-coke-minus-the-rum. But you get to laugh at everyone else, so that's always good.
I just have one question: where was Fred during all of this? Did he even notice the Penny/Kane horribleness at all? He should have because we all know he lurves her... Shut up, he does. I know it. Just like I knew about the Connor/Dom. Yeah.
All righty, I should go do that English essay now or any of that other school stuff I'm trying to avoid. Don't teachers know that I have better things to do? I mean, really. I'm already accepted to my college, I don't want to do anything else in high school ever again. Rawr. Senioritis is terrible :( I feel for you and your mountain of homework. I wish you luck.
Oh, and my apple pie was delicious. How can you not love apple pie? It's amazing ♥Author's Response: whooo :D loads of different couples in this, i had to write down the names on the back of my hand to make sure that i included everyone.
a connor-scorpius hybrid? i dont think they could make one of them, everyone would want one and it would cause riots because the factories couldnt crank them out fast enough. and that would be bad :(
james is such a guy. he is a very guy-ey guy. and very proud of it. yeah, there was a tiny bit of the backstory introduced here - they were both very drunk when it first started - james got drunk and summer, as a friend, decided to keep him company. and got drunk too. and the rest is history. THE NATALIE/JAMES STORY IS SOON.
yep. at least she got to watch everyone else make complete fools out of themselves :P
freddy was off with some random girl who isnt important to the story, drowning his sorrows because penny was off with kane again. are you sure he lurves her... we'll see.
URGH. TEACHERS. RANT ALERT. seriously, they must talk to one another, so they must know that they are all setting us huge homeworks at the same time and it is ten past eleven now because late at night is the only time i have time to write responses to my lovely reviews. gah. boo. good luck with senioritis.
blargh. i hate apple pie. it's foul. how can you like it? ahaha, thank youu, ellie :) xx Report Review
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