Reading Reviews From Member: Beeezie
  
573 Reviews Found

Review #1, by BeeezieTake the Tumble: The Beginning of Everything

16th April 2015:
Iím bothering you all over the place today. TDA, your author page... Iím just a pain. :P

So I remember this story! I read it over at the other site awhile ago, but I didnít realize that you wrote it! (I mean, I think it was before you joined HPFF/TDA anyway, but you know what I mean). Thatís actually kind of neat - itís like the online equivalent of meeting someone at a party and realizing you totally remember them from college. (A combination of those two things happened to me once, actually, which was super weird. But I digress!)

I think itís awesome that youíre going through and editing this. I actually just did that with my first Scorose last month, and Iím doing it with the sequel this month. Itís such a huge undertaking, which I think a lot of people donít realize - even when youíve got it written, editing can easily turn into ďOh, I just wrote 4000 new words because the old ones didnít work, huh.Ē Or at least it did for me. Iím excited to see what you do with it, because I remember thinking that there were a lot of things about it that I really liked, but that there were a few things I wished youíd tackled a little differently.

I actually glanced over at the other site and noticed a couple things in your new A/Ns that made me laugh - what is it with people hating the main character but reading the story anyway? Not to insult any readers, who I love, but... like, I got a fair amount of ďOMG I HATE ROSE SO MUCHĒ too for my fics, and I was always kind of like... ďUm, then why have you read 80,000 words from her pov?Ē

Anyway. Iíve rambled enough. Onto the story.

I think that you do a great job in this at setting the scene and making some of the group dynamics clear in a way that flows wonderfully with the narrative of the story. Dropping mentions of who argued with who and who called who what are a great way to show the relationships without letting the story get bogged down in unnecessary information, and it also really makes the premise more realistic. Of course everyone doesnít get along - how could they?

Did you change the exact situation that gets them stuck together? I feel like you did, though I did first read this a long time ago, and I think I like it better this way. It actually feels pretty plausible that Molly would snap given how many people there are in her house, how often this sort of thing happens, and the extent to which Rose and Scorpius went at each other. I can even see her coming up with this kind of punishment - which is particularly interesting because I think it says a lot about the relationship everyone else has with Scorpius. Thereís clearly no concern that heís not going to mostly behave himself, and itís not like there arenít suspicious people in their family!

And, of course, Rose. I do feel like you could tone down the violence a tiny bit, because she does come off as a little too abusive for comfort, but that aside, you do a great job at showing her very strong personality. No one is going to be indifferent toward her - sheís too explosive! But I donít think you make her downright unlikable or unsympathetic, and sheís certainly not a caricature. You really do a great job with her, on the whole. :)

A little CC, too - I hope thatís okay!

Iíd actually cut out the run-down of everyoneís house and age at the beginning of the first chapter. Particularly on this site, I think it would be better in your MTA or in a headcanon thread in the Hall of Prophecy forum for people who are curious. Having it in the beginning is a little overwhelming, because it immediately inundates the reader with a huge cast of characters, some of whom arenít actually going to be super important in the story for awhile, if ever. I also think that by and large, itís unnecessary - as I said, you do a good job at introducing characters and giving necessary context. Maybe a quick mention in your first A/N saying ďHey, these are the non-canon next-gen kids I made upĒ and listing them off quickly, but thatís it - and even that, I donít think is really necessary.

I think your writing has improved a lot since the first time I read this - it flows together a lot more smoothly, and allows Roseís voice to come through clearer. However, the one thing that I do think you could still use work on in regards to the mechanics are your dialogue tags. For one thing, you often capitalize them when you shouldnít - for example, ĒI like yours better,Ē He sneers at me - the ďheĒ should be lower case. Thatís also true for ďhe saidĒ ďshe saidĒ etc following dialogue that ends in a question mark or exclamation point. I know itís minor, but it makes the story look a little less polished than I think it deserves.

Along the same lines, I think that sometimes you actually overuse adverbs and dialogue tags, which breaks up the flow of the story, particularly since I think you often use words that donít quite work so youíre not repeating the same three or four tags over and over again. For example, ĒStop stalking me,Ē I state feels a little strange as a sentence, and I think it would be better if it was just, ĒStop stalking me.Ē I know my eyes are twinkling... Or, in the next paragraph, starting No one in their right mind, the ďsnarlsĒ really isnít necessary - given what heís saying, we know how Scorpius is delivering that particular line.

All right. Iíve rambled on enough - Iím way too wordy sometimes! Hopefully something useful came out of it. This is a great start. :)

Author's Response: Hey Branwen!

Thanks so much for such a long review. I'll definitely take your suggestions under advisement. and see what I can do about fixing those things you mentioned. I have changed it up a lot since you first read this over on ffn, and obviously had to alter it to better fit with the TOS here on the archives.

I hope you'll read more when I update again =)


 Report Review

Review #2, by Beeezieto the end of time: My Sweetheart

14th April 2015:
Here again for BvB! (And aww, the shout-out in your A/N was so sweet and very appreciated!)

As soon as I saw the summary, I was even more excited than I usually am to read the chapter (and Iím usually pretty excited, because have I mentioned that I am loving this story? Probably).

Thereís just so much about it thatís wonderful. I love the spin youíre putting on things that we remember from the books in some chapters - seeing them through Parvatiís eyes is interesting enough on its own merits, but itís especially fascinating because weíre also seeing them through the lens of what is quickly becoming one of my favorite ships (to the extent that my head canon for my next-gen universe has rearranged a lot to make them be together after all).

There are ways in which Parvatiís reaction to the necklace and Lavenderís relationship with Ron actually mirrors Harryís, which I really liked. It made me think of a line in HBP where Harry and Parvati have a moment of being embarrassed together of their best friends in particular, as well as of Harryís being completely bemused by a lot of what they were doing. Thereís clearly also some jealousy there for Parvati, which makes perfect sense, but you didnít go overboard with it, which was perfect - sheís not just pretending to be Lavenderís friend because she wants to be with her, sheís genuinely Lavenderís friend, and for friends as close as they are, portraying everything through a lens of ďsheís so jealous!Ē would cheapen it for me. Youíre walking that line beautifully.

This was an amazing chapter. Again. I love this fic. ♥

Author's Response: Hey Branwen!

Hehe, I love that you love this story so much! It's slowly becoming one of my favorite ones to write!

Normally I shy away from anything Hogwarts-era related, just because there's so much canon already in place, but this story is just so much fun and I'm loving interpreting everything through Parvati's eyes because we only ever see Harry's perspective. It's really good for me as a writer and so much fun to write these characters.

Yes, I'm so glad that you felt like Parvati is genuinely Lavender's friend. I think that's the most important part of their relationship. Sure, there's some romantic feelings on Parvati's part, but she still genuinely cares for Lavender on a deeper level than that.

I'm so glad that you still like this story so much, it really makes my day when I get to read your reviews! Thank you so much!

Claire


 Report Review

Review #3, by BeeezieThe Ides of March: Melancholy were the sounds.

14th April 2015:
Hi, Kiana! Iím back for BvB. :)

Oh, yikes. Helenaís relationship with her mother really is so fraught. I canít say I blame her, really, but itís a really thought-provoking view of Rowena that I donít think Iíve run across before. I like it a lot, though, because I think itís actually really effective at showing a darker side to a lot of the traits that are really characteristic of Ravenclaw as a house. I can see how, taken to its logical conclusion, an analytical and intellectual nature could lead to being cold and distant. Itís really thought-provoking, and it makes me wonder whether sheís like this with everyone or just her daughter.

My heart really goes out to Helena and Eleanor, because I just canít see this story having a happy ending - since, as you mention in your A/N, we know that the baron kills her, and it seems like she was still fairly young at the time.

I am wondering whether Helena and Eleanor run away after the baron arrives. Helena seems so focused on Eleanor that I canít see her falling for the baron, really (although I guess itís possible that sheíll initially be intrigued and question whether it would really be so bad, since thereís no denying that it would be easier). Itís been interesting, though, to see Eleanor voicing the same concerns Helena was in previous chapters. I wonder if sheís trying to distance herself from Helena, a little - maybe even subconsciously rather than consciously.

This was another great chapter. :) I can't wait to see what happens next!

Author's Response: Hey Branwen!

I know, it really isn't good at all, but it does change a lot later on so keep yours eye out for that. Yes, I thought it would be interesting to focus on how Ravenclaws could be just as bad as Slytherins could be, as the pursuit of intelligence and perfection can be a bad thing if taken too far, and I think that's the case with Rowena. I think with Rowena she finds her to deal with complex emotions, hence why her relationship is worse with Helena than with other people.

I know, I'm sorry but it has to happen, but there are few more things which happen before we reach that point.

Hmmm, I can't answer that as that would be giving away the rest of the story, but I will say that Helena is guided by her own will at the end of it and she does what she thinks is right. Hmm, as for the case of Eleanor, there will be more twists and turns for regarding her, but I can't say more than that.

Thanks for this fab review! ♥

-Kiana


 Report Review

Review #4, by BeeezieThe Ides of March: Nothing thicker than a knife's blade.

14th April 2015:
Here again for BvB!

This was really heartbreaking. I hate (hate, hate) the beliefs that Helena is buying into, but I think that theyíre (unfortunately) very realistic for the time period, particularly since Helena is Rowenaís only child and thereís some stake in carrying on the family name.

And speaking of Rowena - ooh, I love the way youíve set up their relationship! Given what little we know about it, it seems likely that it was strained at best - she didnít just steal her motherís diadem and run away out of nowhere. I feel like youíve introduced a lot of nuance and room for tension in their relationship, which I really love. And, in giving Helena a good relationship with Helga, youíre making it so that she does have some adult council that she trusts, which I think is important for the story - otherwise, sheíd only be thinking about this to herself!

But the best part of the chapter was (of course) Helenaís interactions with Eleanor. I love how Helena is pulled toward Eleanor like a moth to a flame, even while sheís struggling against it - so much so, in fact, that sheís congratulating herself on managing to stay away from her for a few hours. Thatís pretty significant, and it makes the fact that by the end of the chapter sheís decided to pursue Eleanor anyway very believable.

One little bit of CC, though: while the dialogue usually comes across as being a lovely feature of the very different era, there are occasionally moments where I feel like it got a little stilted. Iím not sure if part of it is that you donít always describe people during conversations (which I think would really help convey the anguish and pain during the scenes with Helena in particular) or if itís the language itself, but either way, it might be something to look at. :)

Overall, though, this was a wonderful story. ♥ I can't wait to read more!

Author's Response: Hey there Branwen!

I know, it's so sad as I really wish I could change and go back and tell them how stupid they are, but their entire belief is so, so, so rigid it took centuries to see the slightest bit of progression in it.

Aw, thank you, I was a little worried about portraying her in such a negative light especially as I'm in a Claw and all so I did feel quite bad doing it but I'm glad that you liked it. I was always interested in way Helena stole the Diadem as it seems like quite a strange thing to do, so I put a little spin on it here and I hope you like it. Yes, I always imagine Helga being a sort of guardian angel to all the Founders children so at least Helena can count on her.

Aw, thank you! I know, they have a very odd relationship but I think the reason why they need each other so much is because they're the only ones who understand what it is to be a lesbian and how they had to fight with society for who they love, but at least with one another they can be who they truly are.

Oooh, I'll definitely look into that as the dialogue is always a rather tricky to think to conquer, especially making it time appropriate so it could probably do with some reviewing, thanks for pointing that out!

Thanks for this great review Branwen ♥

-Kiana


 Report Review

Review #5, by Beeezieto the end of time: The Yule Ball

12th April 2015:
Back for BvB! (Aw, Iím on the last chapter - please reassure me and say youíll be putting more up soon? No pressure, of course. :P)

Huh - what you did here is really interesting! Iíd always kind of wondered when Lavender developed her crush on Ron, and I like this interpretation of it. I can see Lavender only getting the confidence in her sixth year to act on it, especially since Lavender-as-a-teenager seems like she might have been the sort to enjoy mooning over someone for years. I donít know about you, but the melodrama was strong with me when I was that age! :P Itís funny, though, because sheís so confident about pretty much everything that isnít super personal.

Which in some ways is also true of Parvati herself. There are a million and one reasons a fourteen year old wouldnít want to tell her (female) best friend she has feelings for her, particularly when said friend is trying to set her up with other people and mooning over Ron Weasley. (Oh, Lavender. Why??) But it also feels like part of Parvati is... not enjoying, exactly, but invested in? this unrequited love. Iím not sure sheíd know quite what to do if Lavender did tell her she had feelings for her.

But thatís what makes this so realistic. Teenagers, especially young teenagers, really do tend to be so unsure of themselves even when they arenít queer. When they are, that just adds a new layer of complication to an already complicated equation.

Quick nitpick - Parvati went to the Ball with Harry, and Padma went with Ron. I think that the conflict between Parvati and Lavender could have just as easily come because Parvati set Ron up with someone else, of course, but I thought Iíd mention it.

Overall, though, this was wonderful. I wish there was another chapter for me to read! ♥

Author's Response: To answer your question: yes, I have the next chapter written and everything and I'll post it later this week :)

I know the books and everything make it seem like she only started to like him when he started to get "interesting," but I feel like Lavender would be the kind of girl who did exactly what you described and drag out the crush, much to her friends' (mostly Parvati's) annoyance. She had to have had some sort of attraction to him before sixth year or else I don't think her sudden infatuation would have made any sense.

Yeah, you're definitely right. I think Paravti has been attracted to Lavender for so long without any reciprocation that she'd be lost if Lavender actually returned the feelings. And I think that also has something to do with the fact that she realized that she liked Lavender quite early and hasn't actually had any experience with people liking her back.

So after you said that, I went back and realized that when I first wrote this, I looked up that Parvati went with Harry but that was about a month ago and when I went back to edit before I uploaded it, I completely forgot and wrote that in. But I just changed it, so hopefully that's fixed soon haha.

I love seeing your reviews on this and I'm so happy you enjoy it so much! Don't worry, the wait shouldn't be too long!

Claire


 Report Review

Review #6, by BeeezieSilent Rumors: A Kidnapping

12th April 2015:
Wow. Yeah, these people really could use a reality check, unless theyíre just using this ďrevenge on the purebloodsĒ as a smokescreen for another motivation. Ernie is so far from an enemy to the Muggleborns and halfbloods that this actually offends me on his behalf.

But I think people who kidnap small children and threaten people who havenít done anything probably arenít usually the most reasonable, and there are certainly plenty of people in the world who do things that I will never be able to understand.

What Iím still not clear about is what they want, which I like - youíre definitely unravelling this story little by little, which is cool (though a little maddening, since itís not all up yet!). I mean, why kidnap Lydia, Max, and Cara if they were just going to go after Ernie immediately anyway? And if they donít want the Aurors involved, why on earth would they cover his yard red and and write ďAtonement Is ComingĒ on his door? Ernie wouldnít need to tell the Aurors anything at this point - theyíre not blind, and it seems likely that someone will notice this!

This is all so intriguing - I feel like we havenít even scratched the surface of what these people really want, yet.

One tiny thing, though: at the beginning of the chapter, you say that Ernie is careful not to wake Lydia when he gets up... but when he gets downstairs, sheís there feeding their kids. I know that thereís a shower in between his getting up and going downstairs, but even so, showers usually donít take very long, and for her to go from fast asleep to feeding their kids seemed a little quick.

That aside, though, this was wonderful, and I really wish there was more to read!

Author's Response: Hello again!

The "revenge on purebloods" thing is the main motivation, but it becomes apparent quickly that it is a very warped view of this. I imagine this group being quite radical in their views.

As far as the kidnapping and flashy graffiti, it gets explained eventually in Atonement Is Coming. It definitely continues to unravel little bit by little bit.

Your point about the timing is noted and I will make some adjustments to it when I go through and edit. You're right, she'd have to be flash to wake the kids, make breakfast, etc. before Ernie got out of the shower.

Thank you again for your lovely reviews!

~Kaitlin


 Report Review

Review #7, by BeeezieSilent Rumors: A Letter

12th April 2015:
Hey, here for our swap! Iím not sure how much time Iím going to have, but both this and Atonement Is Coming look super intriguing, so hopefully Iíll be able to get caught up on both. :P

I really enjoy that you opened this story with Ernie MacMillan getting a threatening letter. In the books, we saw that not all purebloods or pureblood families are created equal, and we know that Ernie is accepting and actively invested in equal rights for Muggleborns - since, you know, as he says, he was on the right side in the war. It makes it clear that what weíre dealing with here is probably essentially a hate crime rather than simple revenge (whatever the letter writer wants to believe).

I also thought that you did an excellent job of working a lot of little details into the narrative rather than leaving them either unclear or explicitly stating them in an awkward way. Ernie is married and has multiple children, which means itís probably safe to say that the war has been over for awhile - Iím thinking that either one of the trials for the Death Eaters was super prolonged or they had to be hunted down after Voldemort fell because they fled. Itís a really nice touch, and it also makes me wonder about why people looking for revenge on all purebloods, any purebloods... well, are choosing now.

I also think the war has probably been over, actually, because Ernieís making some choices that I think could really come back to haunt him. I can see that happening if heís lapsed into a sense of security (not sure whether Iíd call it false, but itís definitely not honed) that I donít think would have happened with the war still at the forefront of his mind. While I wanted to leap through the screen and into the story to yell at him, I can totally see why heíd feel like this, and you made this reaction make a lot of sense.

You also really left me wondering whether that shadow was indeed a cat. In a movie, it would definitely not be a cat, but in real life, sometimes your eyes and ears really do just play tricks on you when youíre afraid... so basically, I need to read on immediately, because I need to know!

This is really intriguing - amazing job! I canít wait to read the next chapter! (So Iím going to go do that. Now. :P)

Author's Response: Hey Beeezie!

Thank you for swapping with me!

So this story is supposed to be taking place a little under 5 years after the war ended. I imagine that it would've taken a very long time to round up and have trials for all of the Death Eaters. In real life, post war trials can take a decade or more, so I thought this time frame seemed realistic.

It is also, as you pointed out, enough time for Ernie to start becoming complacent again. All of the criminals are being locked up, so he feels he has nothing left to fear.

The plot will only develop so far in this little short story because it's the prequel. Atonement Is Coming is where we really start to understand why Purebloods are being attacked and who is doing it!

Thank you so much for swapping with me! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

~Kaitlin


 Report Review

Review #8, by BeeezieBetween the Lines: Any-way-what-how

11th April 2015:
Hey, Iím here for BvB!

I really enjoyed this. I think it can be really difficult to write kids - I definitely shy away from it for that reason! - but your portrayal of second-year Minerva was perfect. The kids were so realistically obnoxious - twelve year olds are so easily amused by the stupidest things sometimes, and they can be so insecure that they canít laugh off nonsense like ďMinervousĒ for the ridiculousness that it is. I can completely see why Minerva felt uncomfortable and excluded, and I can also see how her tendency to talk more to professors because she was more comfortable with them probably turned into a little bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I also loved how Amelia approached Minerva - I think she needed that friend and to feel like she wasnít alone, and I can see how Amelia could be that for her. Iím curious to see where you take their friendship - Ameliaís clearly been paying close attention to Minerva and is a lot more outgoing, but Minerva is already clearly feeling a little off-kilter from their conversation. Iím not sure yet whether itís the shock of having a friend at all or something about Amelia herself - Iíll be interested to see who develops and articulates their feelings first!

The only thing I wasnít sure about was the level you depicted Minerva (and Amelia, for that matter) at. Ahead of everyone else and ostracized for it, I can totally see, but teaching fifth years or performing a Disillusionment Spell at 12? That seemed unlikely to me. I usually use Hermione as a vague benchmark, because everyone was so impressed by her, and this is so far beyond what we saw from Hermione that I had a hard time believing it. I felt like you probably could have kept the same sentiment without making it quite so fantastic, and I think your setting the standards so high here might make writing about their later years at Hogwarts difficult.

Other than that, though, this was an amazing job, and I canít wait to see what happens next!

 Report Review

Review #9, by Beeezieto the end of time: Just a Phase

10th April 2015:
This is just wonderful. I love this story so much.

There are so many things about this scene that worked beautifully. I thought that how uncomfortable Parvati got when they pressured her to talk about what Ďboyí she liked was completely realistic - even if none of the girls had anything against same-sex attraction, when thatís not even mentioned as an option, itís no wonder that Parvati feels unsure about admitting to it - particularly given how insecure kids tend to be at that age anyway! Itís that kind of heteronormativity that, while not ill-intentioned, can do real damage by making people feel like theyíre... well, freaks, for lack of a better word.

Of course, I doubt Parvati would have said anything, Lavender being right there and all... but being pressured didnít help, and now Iím wondering how long she has to keep up the charade of this supposed crush on Harry - and whether youíll even maybe draw it into GoF.

Also: Iím not sure it was intentional or not, but I saw the pressure Parvati felt mirrored a little in how the girls approached Padma when she said she didnít like anyone - again, that idea that thereís a rigid pattern of attraction that you need to conform to is so harmful. Iím not sure whether thatís going to come up in the future or if itís going to remain a small mention in this chapter, but either way, it was a nice subtle touch.

I wasnít quite sure about them being in the Hufflepuff Common Room - we donít really see any indication in the books that friends in different Houses spend time in each otherís Common Rooms, and some indication that they didnít (the assumption that Harry wouldnít know anything about the Slytherin or Ravenclaw Common Rooms at various points in DH, for example). It would have made a little more sense to me if theyíd been in the library or by the lake or something.

Thatís minor, though. Overall, this was another great chapter in a wonderful story. ♥

Author's Response: Hey again!

Yes, I'm so glad that that scene came across like that because it was exactly what I was hoping people would get out of it! I made sure to include the whole "what boy do you like" thing because even though people are more open minded now, they wouldn't have been when these girls were young and especially since they're only 13, they wouldn't really consider any other option.

The Padma thing was an extension of that as well. As I was writing this, the "aromantic Padma" headcanon popped into my mind, so I started running with that. It wouldn't make sense to them that she just wasn't attracted to anyone like that and even though Padma herself probably won't figure that out til later, it was fun to stick in something like that when it was so relevant to what Parvati was going through.

The Hufflepuff common room was a last minute descision. I wanted to have a sort of sleepover feel to the whole thing and no other setting really seemed right. I figured that I could get away with it because we only get the books from Harry's point of view and just because he wasn't visiting other common rooms didn't mean that other people weren't.

Thank you again for the lovely review! I love seeing them!

Claire


 Report Review

Review #10, by BeeezieThe Ides of March: A star riding through clouds.

10th April 2015:
Hey, Iím here for BvB! Youíve been leaving me such awesome reviews on CINAS, so Iím really happy I can get in after you and start to return the favor. ♥ (Especially since I love reading Founders fics, though I havenít had the courage to try to write one yet.)

Then I clicked into the first chapter and realized that this story was about Helena being in love with another woman, and I was sold. Yes please.

I loved your characterization of Helena on so many levels. The picture she paints of herself and the place she occupies relative to the Founders and their children is fascinating, and it makes a lot of sense given what we know about Helena and her mother in particular. Itís tough to know how much of this is in her head and how much of it is reality, but either way, the frame of mind youíre showing makes a lot of sense in the context of her running away.

The mention of her Muggleborn father is also intriguing, because it really does bring up so many questions for me! Itís interesting to see hints of how the old prejudices played out back then, especially in the context of religion - IIRC, this is around the time when Christians are burning witches and wizards, right? Iím wondering whether that plays a part in Rowenaís hostility toward it.

And Eleanor.

I love how enchanted Helena is by Eleanor, and I found the way her social status and understanding of her fatherís religion are shackling her to be heartbreaking. I could see Eleanor in my mind, because your description of her was so wonderful, and I was a little enchanted, too! Iím glad Eleanor does seem to return the feelings, and I think that her initiating something goes very well with her family lineage and House - fortune favors the bold, after all!

This was lovely. Iím definitely going to find time to read more of it. ♥

Author's Response: Hey there Branwen! Aw, thank you, I'm glad that you decided to read it as I know not that many people are interested by it as they think Founders stories are kind of meh.

Whoo, thank you, I thought it would be an interesting thing to explore as it's mentioned in so many other eras but rarely in this one.

AW, thank you! I know, I think she will always be judged differently from the Founders children as she's an only child and she can't confide in others what it's like to be a daughter of Rowena Ravenclaw. I think naturally as a Ravenclaw too, she's more likely to be withdrawn and quieter, but I do think quite a lot of this is just in her head.

Haha, I'm actually studying witch-hunting in history right now so I'll be able to answer this for you. The peak of the executions was 1560-1660, and that was when there were mass witch-hunts and a real sense of terror in the populace, however, they did occur before but they were much more sporadic and they weren't known for running rampant.

Aw, I'm glad you like her too as these two do have a very special place in my heart. I'm so glad that you did like her and you were able to imagine her as I sometimes wonder if the idea of Eleanor is lost in all these mystical descriptions of her. Hahah, yes, her family lineage and House will definitely motivate for the rest of the story.

Thanks for this fantastic review! ♥

-Kiana


 Report Review

Review #11, by Beeeziea slow shattering: the mirror thrown to the ground

10th April 2015:
Hey, here for BvB! :)

Wow. I have a soft spot in my heart for post-war Lavender stories, so when I realized that one of your stories was centered around her, I knew that this was a story I needed to read.

I donít think Iíve ever seen a story where Parvati dies in the battle, let alone quite so violently, and that added a new level to Lavenderís state of mind and the trauma sheís grappling with, both because of the memory and because her best friend isnít there to help her recover.

The way you depict Lavender here is really brilliant - I thought that you portrayed her frenzied and disjointed state of mind perfectly. I also loved the way you drew attention to the way suddenly everything was being seen through the clinical lens of her condition - thatís a very real and very harmful thing that happens, and the fact that it makes her feel like she should be doubting herself is brilliant.

Actually, Lavenderís feelings and opinions were dismissed pretty consistently throughout the chapter by medical professionals who seem very sure that they know whatís best for her for more than she does. I felt frustrated on her behalf, because the way they were treating her was dehumanizing and counterproductive - but it was also very realistic, and Iím glad you touched on that side of mental health issues rather than making it out like everything was wonderful in the wizarding world.

There were a couple things I wasnít quite sure of, though. You refer to the people treating her as ďdoctors,Ē but if sheís still in the wizarding world (as she certainly seems to be), wouldnít they properly be called Healers? I also think you could have been a little more specific with the terms you used - delusional, psychosis, etc would have seemed more realistic to me than ďinsane,Ē even in a fairly conservative environment like this one appears to be

Otherwise, though, this was an amazing read. Excellent job!

 Report Review

Review #12, by BeeezieYou: you

10th April 2015:
Hey, here for BvB!

This was really, really gut-wrenching to read in a lot of ways. On one hand, I can sort of see how Elphiasís feelings might have been an accurate understanding of the situation, because Albus really was so gifted and talented and respected... but at the same time, I was really struck by his low self-esteem. It seemed like he genuinely felt like he didnít give Albus as much as Albus gave him, because Albus was so much more gifted... but look at Hermione. I donít think Harry ever worried that he was just dragging her down.

(Of course, that could get into gender dynamics, too, but thatís completely off-topic.)

Thatís not to say, though, that I didnít find Elphias believable. It was heartbreaking to me because it was so believable, particularly in the era they were growing up in. Even if we suppose that the wizarding world doesnít mirror the Muggle one perfectly, I canít imagine that Elphias would have another to fear from someone finding out in the late 1800s/early 1900s. In a lot of ways, I feel like having the unrequited love you canít talk about builds this unattainable ideal Elphias seemed to have - secrets can take on a life of their own sometimes, especially when theyíre forbidden.

This was a great story. Amazing, amazing job.

Author's Response: Hey Branwen! :D

Oh my, thank you so much! I'm so glad that this had that effect, as horrible as that might sound. :P I don't really know where this came from - Elphias, I think, spent so long in Albus' shadow that it kind of became second nature for him to be the un-smart one in the background all the time as Albus won accolades and prizes and talked with respected scholars, and that would be pretty heavy on anyone's self-esteem, I think.

That's actually a really interesting idea I haven't thought about, about Harry and Hermione's relationship and the way gender dynamics factor into their attitudes towards one another. I do think that gender has an effect on the way Hermione was perceived, though, as a know-it-all and a nerd where Albus was a genius. This is quickly getting very off topic.

I'm so glad that you could find Elphias to be a realistic character - it is heartbreaking, that some people can be so downtrodden and so honestly believe that they're not good enough. :( Yes, I think another reason the prompt worked was because during this era, sexuality was still a beast that hadn't been explored at all, and I'm glad that you think that his keeping this secret to himself would make sense. I honestly couldn't have put it better myself - some secrets just grow so huge. :(

Thank you so much for an amazing review, Branwen! ♥

Emily


 Report Review

Review #13, by Beeeziekisses-blood-valentine: Ballad of Evvie and Bernie

10th April 2015:
Hi, Rose! Iím here for BvB. :)

Wow. This was so intense and disjointed. I thought you did an amazing job of portraying Bernie, Benjy, and Evvie, as well as Bernieís relationship with each of them, amidst the pain and anguish that Bernie is so clearly feeling after Evvieís death. Iím not completely clear on what happened or how Evvie died, but I did cobble together some interpretation. (You can tell me whether or not itís right!)

What I think happened was that the Death Eaters targeted Bernie and Evvie because of Bernieís association with Benjy, or maybe just because Bernie was a witch getting romantically involved with a Muggle. (Or both. Evvie being a Muggle clearly entered into the equation at some point, since they call Bernie a blood traitor.) It seems like they were interrupted before they could have their romantic night and that they were both tortured... but from some of the things Bernie says (especially ďIt wasnít me when I hurt youĒ), Iím wondering if the Imperius Curse was used on her to make her hurt (or even kill?) Evvie. That seems like it would fit with her being locked up in Azkaban - if they found that the spells came from her wand, it seems like there are plenty of Ministry officials who would judge her guilty then and there without holding a trial, and since the Unforgivable Curses earn you a one-way ticket to Azkaban, there wouldnít be any getting out.

I donít know. That could be completely off! Either way, though, this was amazing, and Iím so glad I clicked into the thread after you.

 Report Review

Review #14, by Beeezieto the end of time: Bracelets

7th April 2015:
Hey, here for another BvB review! I loved the first chapter of this, but I also have trouble remembering things sometimesÖ so Iím really excited to have an excuse to come back and read more! (Though now Iím disappointed that thereís not more.)

This is such a cute chapter. Oh my god.

And what I love is that it really does get at so many different aspects of their relationship. You definitely get at the friendship as we saw it in the books - sweet and enthusiastic and clearly full of affection, but also pretty typical of their age group in the grandiose statements and special best friend bracelets. I think that in this short scene, you do a great job of keeping their growth and the way they express their friendship realistic and perfectly in line with canon.

But I also feel something deeper going on, and thatís one of the things I like about them as a couple - I feel like a lot of HP couples are almost larger than life, if that makes sense? You know, like theyíre pulled together through the ravages of war or thereís something larger pushing them together. But Lavender and Parvati donít have that - Iíve always felt like the core of their friendship (and relationship!) was built long before they had to grow up, and thatís something I really, really like.

This is so beautiful. ♥ Adding it my favorites, and I canít wait to see new chapters.

Author's Response: Hi again! Glad you came back!

Before I got the idea for this story, I'd never really thought about Lavender and Parvati all that much, but exploring their relationship has been so much fun. I don't know what it is about them, but they seem like they have the perfect friendship in a way? Like, from the moment they met they were friends and nothing was going to derail that. It just kind of seems inevitable that they would end up together either romantically or just stay as best friends.

I'm so glad you like this story so much! It's so different from what I normally write, but it's definitely becoming one of my favorites! Thank you again for such a wonderful review!

Claire


 Report Review

Review #15, by BeeezieThe Man With the Twisted Face: A Reluctant Slytherin

7th April 2015:
Hey! Iím here for team blue for BvB! :) Yay, Iím really glad I have the excuse to keep reading this story, because I really enjoyed the prologue.

I continue to love your prose - you have such an engrossing way of narrating your story that just draws me in and leaves me feeling completely absorbed in the your world.

Rabastan Lestrangeís reaction to Antonin actually brought something Hermione said to my head - at one point, she tells Ron and Harry that the Death Eaters would probably have been perfectly happy to have them. Harry had a point about the whole mortal enemies thing (though I think Hermione was getting at blood status more than specifics), but I always thought that Ronís defensiveness wasnít really based in reality. Blood traitors are not as bad as Muggleborns - they can be Ďreformed.í I saw that attitude in Rabastan here, and I really liked it, because it illustrates the position of privilege that all purebloods are really operating from, at least until theyíve actively placed themselves against the regime.

I also loved the way you described his initial experience at Hogwarts. The usual first year tensions were there, but I thought that you did an amazing job of integrating his discomfort with his parentsí beliefs and his House in general into that. Iím really, really curious to see why you had the Sorting Hat put him there without any conversation, despite his clearly saying he didnít want to be there.

In answer to your question: I thought Rabastan came across very like Draco Malfoy in PS; he seemed very sure of himself and secure, and that made sense to me in a lot of ways. I didnít like him, but I didnít really hate him yet - mostly because itís hard to hate an eleven year old. Iím sure in future chapters, my feelings will be different. :P

A little CC: There were points, particularly on the train, where I didnít quite buy that Antonin was eleven - it wasnít that the prose read older (which it did, but that was fine), but rather that his frame of mind and the course of his thoughts read a little older. I also - and this is super, super minor, but I thought Iíd mention it in case itís not just a mistaken impression on his part - didnít quite believe the mention of older Slytherins being current Death Eaters. The incredulity people treated Harry with when he said he thought Draco Malfoy was a Death Eater (and Narcissa and Bellatrixís reactions to it) makes me think that it was unprecedented or, at best, exceedingly rare.

Those are both minor, though. So far, this is a really great story, and I canít wait to see where you take it!

 Report Review

Review #16, by Beeezieto the end of time: New Friends

6th April 2015:
Hey, here for team Blue in BvB! Iíve started to get really, really into this ship lately, so I was happy to see that one of the two fics youíd mentioned was a Lavender/Parvati story. :)

I loved this. Opening the story at their Sorting seemed fitting, since as far as we know, Lavender and Parvati didnít know each other before they started at Hogwarts. Going back to the beginning was a really wonderful touch.

And I also liked the way you managed to introduce a lot of personality into such a small scene. Padmaís calm approach and her focus on the Sorting did bring Ravenclaw to mind, and honestly, Parvatiís nerves did make me think of Gryffindors - maybe itís just confirmation bias, but I can see Gryffindors being the least at-ease with the Sorting ceremony because they tend to be more action-oriented, and action-oriented people tend to be particularly bad at being patient. It was nice insight into their personalities and their relationship that I really, really liked.

I also liked the way you included Lavender toward the end. I can absolutely see her being outgoing and sympathetic toward someone who looks a little lost - she was always a little silly in the books, but I think that sometimes gets exaggerated in fanfiction to the extent that her better qualities get lost. That didnít happen here; I saw a girl who was cheerful, friendly, and open, and I could see why Parvati was put at ease so quickly.

Ooooh I love this idea so much. This is an amazing ship, and thus far, I think youíre definitely doing it justice.

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reviewing this!

I'm so glad you liked it! I've been having so much fun exploring Parvati and Lavender's personalities. We get such a limited view of them in the books, especially Parvati, and I love being able to explore everything that happened before we get a good idea of them in canon.

Lavender just seems like that stereotypical girl that everyone blows off because she's a bit silly sometimes, but I doubt she'd be like that all the time. She'd definitely be a little flaky at times, but there's no way that she isn't extremely kind and friendly when she wants to be.

Aww, I hope I can keep doing it justice! This is a brand new territory for me, so it's really fun to explore all of it! Thank you again for reviewing this!

Claire


 Report Review

Review #17, by BeeezieThe Man With the Twisted Face: Prologue

6th April 2015:
Hey, Iím here for review tag!

I really, really like the premise of this story. I feel like this is a side of Death Eaters (and just ideology in general, really) in the HP world that we didnít really see in the books - either we had characters like Draco or Ron, who wholeheartedly believed what their parents did, or we had characters like Sirius, who (as far as we see, anyway) disagreed with their families from the start. Even characters like Regulus who seemed to sway a little tended to sway toward the side of good. Iím really curious to see what happened to make Antonin Dolohov sway in the opposite direction.

Right. Onto the actual chapter.

So far, I love the execution, too. Your prose is really wonderful, and youíve already introduced so much subtlety and complexity into your world. Mentioning the interview with Dumbledore helped set the stage for just what kind of family Antonin Dolohov was born into, and the way you described purebloods as responding to Voldemort was chilling. The whole ďtricksters trying to take advantage of true believersĒ made my skin crawl, as did the idea of parents encouraging their children to hate because they wanted their stature within Voldemortís supporters to rise. Itís thoroughly realistic, which makes it particularly horrifying.

The way you describe Antonin himself as noticing the change in his fatherís demeanor when Voldemort or pureblood supremacy came up in conversation was perfect - the fanaticism was already reading like a cult to me, and that added a layer of realism to it that I really, really liked.

Amazing job, and I loved the little mention at the end of the chapter of a girl. It intrigued me where the prose and mood had already caught my attention, and Iím definitely adding this to my reading list so I donít forget about it.

 Report Review

Review #18, by BeeezieStardust: Stardust

2nd April 2015:
Hey! Here for BvB! :)

I agree that Lavender didnít die! Especially since wounded!Lavender is so interesting to write about.

I loved this. Iíve been having a lot of Lavender/Parvati feels, too, and you did a wonderful job with them. This was short, but I felt like you did an amazing job at capturing the anger and frustration Lavender was feeling - and it makes sense that sheíd be feeling that way!

But what really did it for me was Parvati. In some ways, her description of Lavenderís pain was so visceral that it almost overpowered her - or outshone her, I guess, to be more in keeping with the tone of the piece. For me, that was actually a really nice touch - in a relationship where one person is going through what Lavender is, intensity in their partner can often turn counter-productive pretty quickly. I got a strong, comforting sense of Parvatiís consistency and presence throughout Lavenderís struggles, and I loved it.

And your prose - oh, your prose is brilliant. I loved the way you used descriptions of the stars and black holes to illustrate Lavenderís emotional state, both because it was beautifully haunting on the face of it and because it really helped to get across the enormity of what she was going through - and how daunting it must have seemed to Parvati at times.

This was lovely. Iím really glad I read it.

 Report Review

Review #19, by BeeezieRed Silk: A girl with red hair soft as velvet, glossy as silk

19th March 2015:
Ooooh, I liked this. In my head canon, Dominique is always, always queer, so it always feels weird to me to read a Dominique whoís straight. When I saw your story, I had to read it.

I loved this. Your prose was really lovely; the way Dominique described Imogenís red hair as opposed to Weasley red hair was vivid and sensual. I could almost see Imogenís hair, and honestly, by the end, I was a little jealous.

I also really enjoyed the juxtaposition between Dominiqueís daydreaming about her and the actual interaction at the end of the story. I got this sense of elegance and dreaminess from Dominiqueís thoughts - almost like I imagine people saw Fleur, and presumably Victoire and Dominique herself. But the real Imogen was a little bit of a firecracker - I loved it.

Amazing job. :)

- Branwen

(Reviewed for the HPFF Fundraiser - Ravenclaw)

Author's Response: Aaah, thanks for this kind review and for the favourite, omg!

I actually don't have any fixed view on any of the Next Gen kids, and I'm writing another story where Dom is actually straight... But I'm happy I could deliver with this on at least, ahahaha!

People generally seem to like the part about Imogen's hair which is good, because I kinda see it as the 'heart' of the story, and it was what first popped into my head when I got the idea!

And yeah, Imogen is REALLY a bit of a firecracker - possibly more of one than Dom is really prepared for, haha! But I think Dom would happily learn to handle that if it meant she got to be with her 'dream girl'.

Again, thank you so much! I'm very flattered by the favourite thing!

/Kapa


 Report Review

Review #20, by BeeezieNot Backing Down: Prologue: The Den of Wolves

19th March 2015:
Hey! So thereís a fundraiser this month to help keep HPFF online, and right now thereís a review challenge on the forums where the House that leaves the most reviews gets a pound donated for each review they leave. Iím here to review for it, but donít worry - thereís no expectation of reciprocity or you donating just because I left it. :)

Wow. I really, really liked this. Your prose is lovely, and I got a sense of each characterís personality from your narration. It was really wonderfully done.

Making James II a Slytherin isnít something I see done very often, and Iím not sure Iíve ever seen it done like this - you basically depict a James II who is, at least superficially, very like both of his namesakes - but who ends up in Slytherin anyway. Itís not that strange, once I think about it, I guess - I tend to think that Draco and James were probably pretty similar, except that Draco was a prejudiced brat and James was a regular brat.

And Rose - I like the way youíve depicted Rose a lot, almost as much as James. We saw Harry push for Gryffindor, and that sort of made sense -- but to see someone push for Ravenclaw is a little more out of the blue, since I think weíre used to thinking of Ravenclaw as a thing you either are or you arenít. (I am, anyway.)

I loved your OCs, too. I guess I have a little less to say about them, in some ways, because there isnít all kinds of family history and cliche working with the narrative, but even so, I really enjoyed this introduction to them. I feel like you really started to get at the depth and intricacy thatís very much a part of each House (particularly with Alfie and Hufflepuff).

In your A/N, you mentioned that the chapter was boring. I didnít find it boring at all - I thought that you managed to communicate a great deal about the personality of each of your characters in a remarkably small number of words. Iím intrigued, and Iím definitely adding this story to my reading list. :)

- Branwen

(Reviewed for the HPFF Fundraiser - Ravenclaw)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! I've heard about the review fundraiser on the forums, just haven't gotten around to it :P

And I've always thought that the Sorting Hat could see into the future a bit, and it decides what's best for you overall. People change a lot from 11 to 18, and let me just say that 11 year old James is quite a lot different than 18 year old James ;)

I'm really glad you like Rose! She's a lot different than what I imagined in my head first- I think I switched her with her cousin (Lucy)- although I do like her much better this way :D I also have my reasons for this one >:)

I also end up getting attached to OC's, and I love them so much :) I'm really glad you like them, though! (I keep wanting to put the heart but it never shows up :O)

I'm so glad you didn't think the chapter was boring, and that you liked the story! Thank you so much!


 Report Review

Review #21, by BeeezieThe Dream Trilogy Book One: To Dwell On Dreams: Epilogue: The Man Who Sold The World

19th March 2015:
Okay. So since this is the last chapter, Iím going to comment on it in this review (obviously) but also on the books as a whole, because there are some major takeaways for me that I want to lay out. (Just because.)

Iím really interested to read on. I figured that the doorway would be a weakened now - it stands to reason. When you teach the universe new routes, itís going to start taking them. I also absolutely love Seamusís appearance at the end - what an amazing cliffhanger to leave this on! I admit that I was already wondering whether they were kind of, well, dead, because I think I remember the CI of Alex I recently made mentioning being dead, but I was not expecting you to bring Seamus back! Awesome, awesome job.

So, overall, I really enjoyed this story. (Clearly, since I binge read it in about a day.) The premise was intriguing, and I thought that you carried it out really, really well. Your attention to detail was inspiring, and it ended up making the story one of the most vivid and intriguing novels Iíve ever read on HPFF. It actually made me think about canon events in a new way, too, which I love.

That said, there were a couple things that stood out to me as areas I thought you could maybe take another look at.

There were definitely some typos sprinkled across the story - mostly with punctuation, so it wasnít a huge deal, but at the same time, it did stick out to me, particularly because it seemed a little at odds with how meticulous you were with the content. The typos werenít super distracting, but there were a fair number of them, so it might be worth reading through the book again to catch them.

Along the same lines, I felt like there were points where you relied a little too heavily on adverbs; while theyíre certainly really useful sometimes, I feel like when the dialogue captures the sentiment, itís not really necessary to include adverbs on top of that, particularly since they can conflict - for example, Fudge goes from speaking almost sympathetically to narrowing his eyes angrily to getting irritated in about 40 seconds (last chapter). It just seemed like you could have shown more and told less around dialogue.

The only other major thing that stood out to me was that I felt like there were times when your depiction of characters veered a little too melodramatic for me. I mentioned it once or twice where it stuck out to me, but I feel like the overarching point is that while I feel like you do an amazing job with your main characters and depicting their feelings and motivations - other world Draco, for example, is done wonderfully - you donít always seem to immerse yourself quite so thoroughly in more supporting or minor characters (like James or Fudge), and that can sometimes lead to them coming across as a little awkward or unbelievable.

Other than that, though, this was a really amazing series, and I canít wait to get started on the next book!

- Branwen

(Left for the HPFF Fundraiser - Ravenclaw)

 Report Review

Review #22, by BeeezieThe Dream Trilogy Book One: To Dwell On Dreams: Chapter Seven: Stop Crying Your Heart Out Part Three

19th March 2015:
I loved the way you started this chapter. Harryís recent adventures have been incredibly overwhelming, so of course heís feeling rather raw and emotional. But, bringing it back to Dumbledoreís words to him so long ago was really, really fitting, and on reflection, I feel like it fits Harryís overall character in the books as well. Thereís not a lot of time for him to get caught up in dreams of what could be - Iíd never thought about it, but he really did carry that advice with him, didnít he? I like that.

And, as Iíve said before, I also think that this is a very realistic reaction to trauma. People often fixate on logistics and details, because action just feels better than reaction.

I had more mixed feelings about the confrontation with Draco. On one hand, I really liked that he was the first person Harry bumped into, because it does kind of bring things into perspective. On the other, though, there were parts of the confrontation that just seemed a little too... generic, in a way?

I mean, Harryís been missing for about two days. From what Iíve seen, at least, it seems to be something that people have noticed. But Draco doesnít really mention it, other than a vague ĒI thought youíd be hiding out until at least Thursday.Ē That didnít seem quite sufficient to me. And, on top of that, Draco seemed to startle much, much too easily - he was clearly thrown by Harry, but Iím just not sure it made sense.

I did like pretty most everything else, though! Harryís finding the picture was a nice parallel to his motherís protection holding strong even when he was in another Harryís body - it hints at something bigger going on that has yet to really be solved. McGonagallís reaction makes perfect sense to me, and I found his interaction with the minister to be super interesting. Since the next chapter is an epilogue, Iím wondering whether this is going to wait to be resolved until the next book.

You and your cliffhangers. Well, itís translating into more reviews for Ravenclaw and more money for HPFF, so who can complain, really? :P

- Branwen

(Left for the HPFF Fundraiser - Ravenclaw)

 Report Review

Review #23, by BeeezieShards Of Amber: one

19th March 2015:
Hey! So thereís a fundraiser this month to help keep HPFF online, and right now thereís a review challenge on the forums where the House that leaves the most reviews gets a pound donated for each review they leave. Iím here to review for it, but donít worry - thereís no expectation of reciprocity or you donating just because I left it. :)

Welcome to HPFF. :) This story caught my eye because my Theodore Nottís kid is also named Noah, which is a super funny coincidence, and Iíve been considering shipping him with Louis, which is an even weirder coincidence! My Noah is male, not female, but still, it made me laugh.

This was a really interesting start! I think it has the potential to be a really interesting story. I like that the next-gen Weasley youíre focusing on is Louis, because he doesnít get much attention, and I also really like that you sorted him, Dominique, and Albus into Slytherin - whenever I see a next-gen Weasley in Slytherin, theyíre usually the lone Slytherin Weasley, and thereís all kinds of drama and tension about it, but youíve avoided that, which is nice.

Your descriptions were really nicely done, I also felt like your depiction of Noah was very realistic. I felt for her when she was talking about feeling jealous of Esther and Calumís love; I can totally see a teenager feeling that way, or really anyone whoís feeling a little lonely.

My only CC is that I feel like there were times where Noah said things that didnít really make sense with her background, at least what we can guess of it - for example, if sheís a pureblood, how does she know what weightwatchers is? Will weightwatchers even still be around in the 2020s?

Other than that, though, nice start! I really recommend joining the forums and maybe going to request a banner for your story at TDA - weíve got a wonderful, supportive community. :)

- Branwen

(Reviewed for the HPFF Fundraiser - Ravenclaw)

 Report Review

Review #24, by BeeezieThe Dream Trilogy Book One: To Dwell On Dreams: Chapter Seven: Stop Crying Your Heart Out Part Two

19th March 2015:
Yeah, this is really, really tough. I feel like Harryís kind of grappling with a lot of really difficult things right now. He loves his parents (and his sister!), and he wishes they were still alive in his world... but at the same time, itís pretty clear that the world as a whole was better off when they were murdered. That doesnít make Voldemort right, of course, but a lot (a lot, a lot) of people died because there wasnít a 14 year period of Voldemort being pretty much powerless.

And now heís also gotten this news about his Sirius and his Remus - both of whom, of course, are not at all better off in his world - being in very, very dire trouble. On one hand, I feel like heíll probably have more self-confidence than he had before entering this world, because heís done some pretty impressive things... but on the other, this strikes me as an Ďout of the frying pan, into the fireí type of situation.

Yikes. Itís too bad he didnít get to say goodbye to Hermione and Draco, but somehow, I doubt that this will be the last we see of them - give the very, very little I know about the other two books from doing the banners, it seems likely to me that this Draco is going to show up again. Oh, I hope Iím not wrong - Iím really interested to learn more about him!

Great chapter.

- Branwen

(Left for the HPFF Fundraiser - Ravenclaw)

 Report Review

Review #25, by BeeezieThe Dream Trilogy Book One: To Dwell On Dreams: Chapter Seven: Stop Crying Your Heart Out Part One

19th March 2015:
Your attention to detail is really remarkable. I love how you draw relationships between what Harry experiences here and what heís gone through by the midway point of OotP - it really helps make your story fit well within the HP canon, even though itís AU. Here, I loved the interaction with Moody - while Harry briefly met the real Moody in the beginning of OotP, the bulk of his interactions really were with Barty Crouch, and I can see how heíd have to remind himself that no, this Moody does not want him dead. (That said, I did wonder at Kingsley - didnít Harry meet him at the beginning of OotP, too?)

I liked that this chapter concluded the issue with Voldemort... ish. If heíd been completely, 100% destroyed, it would have seemed a little overly simplistic, but from how youíve presented it here, it seems like whatís happened is what in Harryís world happened at Godricís Hollow 14 years ago. Voldemort will be back, and someone will have to deal with that... but probably not him.

Umbridge is a real piece of work. Sheís kind of despicable everywhere, but at least here, theyíve got better standing to dismiss her. (Or so it seems.)

Again, though, your characterization of the Potters seemed a little off to me, particularly since youíve said they work for the Ministry, who showed up in Germany - wouldnít they have heard about this? That didnít seem consistent to me, and while Jamesís initial anger makes sense, the ďWhat have you done Malfoy!Ē line seemed a little out of place. Itís a little awkwardly phrased, but more importantly, heís yelling at a 15 year old that he barely knows (if he knows him at all). I get the animosity, but not the familiarity.

In general, though, great chapter. :)

- Branwen

(Left for the HPFF Fundraiser - Ravenclaw)

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>