Reading Reviews From Member: Beeezie
  
721 Reviews Found

Review #1, by BeeezieThe Dream Trilogy Book Two: Tread On My Dreams: Chapter Six: Sea Change Part One

6th March 2016:
Oh, I love the way you've dealt with Draco meeting the alternate Narcissa. This is such a complicated dynamic, and it's fitting that Draco is going through the mourning process all over again without being conflicted about where his loyalties lie. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure why any part of me was at all concerned about that being a struggle - of course it wouldn't be. He hates his father and Voldemort for good reason; once your mother has been murdered, you really can't go back from that, even if this Lucius and this Voldemort didn't actually kill Narcissa.

Yet? I've got a sinking feeling that she can't get through this story alive, but I might be being overly dramatic or paranoid.

I loved the way you portrayed her, too - I can see how this woman could turn into someone with a lot more strength of character, but she's very far from there yet. My heart went out to him.

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Author's Response: Thank you so, so much for your supportive words about Narcissa. She was, to begin with, an absolute nightmare to write, and took ages to get right. But once I found her and Draco's dynamic I fell quite in love with her.

Thank you in general for all your amazing comments so far. I'm absolutely chuffed you would take the time to write so many long reviews, and even more so that you're enjoyed this book too. THANK YOU!! You are always such a star x


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Review #2, by BeeezieThe Dream Trilogy Book Two: Tread On My Dreams: Chapter Five: The Great Below Part Two

6th March 2016:
I love how quickly Draco can turn the aristocracy (I think that's honestly the best way to put it) back on. It makes sense that that would be the very last thing to do - old habits die hard, and Draco was nothing if not entitled when he was growing up. This Death Eater clearly isn't one of the more trustworthy and competent ones, anyway, but it really is true that bluffing often works if you just put enough bluster behind it.

Poor Sarah - I'd be terrified in her situation, and honestly, I think it's just as well that Harry showed up and blew the water fountain up when he did. It didn't help Sarah avoid Voldemort, of course, but hopefully it will help divide his attention a little and Harry will save the day before Sarah is further traumatized by being held prisoner by the same person in two separate dimensions. Voldemort is the worst.

And oh, dear. I can't imagine that that's someone in Polyjuice Potion - that must genuinely be Narcissa Malfoy. I'll be really interested to see how Draco reacts to this - this story is entirely too addictive! (Well, not really.)

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Author's Response: I hope that Sarah's bravery comes across through her overcoming her very real fear. It never occurred to me that she wouldn't be shaken and terrified, but it's how she copes with it that I think makes her admirable.

Ahh Narcissa...on to the next review!


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Review #3, by BeeezieThe Dream Trilogy Book Two: Tread On My Dreams: Chapter Five: The Great Below Part One

6th March 2016:
Oh, I remember making this CI and wondering about the quote. I can't wait to see how it plays out now.

I'm continuing to love the flashbacks - you're doing a wonderful job of choosing moments that really add to the reader's understanding of Draco as a character and his path toward some kind of redemption. It was also nice to see him apologize to Hermione - while what he called her doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, I do think that it's important to address it if they're going to embark on a genuine relationship, which it seems like they're going to do.

The Death Eaters really aren't very smart, are they? I guess that's not particularly surprising; most of them weren't exactly the greatest thinkers in canon, either. Given that, I'm not totally surprised that they fell for the "hide and wait for someone to open the door" trick, but wow, nameless Death Eater - that's pretty much a fail. Sarah played her part to perfection, though, and while it absolutely was pretty dangerous, I agree that she was really the only one who could play the part.

I'm so curious to see how Harry's rescue goes. Onto the next chapter! :)

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Author's Response: Excellent, Draco's flashbacks all have a point to them, so I would hate if any of them came across as not having a purpose :-D

Nope, these Death Eaters in particular were definitely not hired for their brains lol. I figured it was time for a bit of comic relief ;)


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Review #4, by BeeezieThe Dream Trilogy Book Two: Tread On My Dreams: Chapter Four: Dream On Part Two

6th March 2016:
Wow. This was an insane, action-packed chapter overall, and I loved it, but I got chills down my spine when they got locked in the office and started talking about the Basilisk. I've never thought about what seeing the Basilisk must have been like for Hermione, but it must have been absolutely terrifying. Like many of the things the trio goes through, she deals with it, but wow. That's so frightening, and I can understand why Draco would react so strongly to that particular piece of information. He's already grappling with an enormous amount of shame over letting the Basilisk in; this knowledge is just twisting the knife, even though it isn't his Hermione who was affected.

Onto Alex and Harry - huh. Okay, not the photograph, then. I was wrong. I don't think I'm wrong, though, in thinking that the third person who they decided might make this conversation tricky is Seamus.

The soul, though - god, I was vaguely wondering about that when I first read the prologue, but I guess I put it to the back of my mind and decided it wasn't relevant after all. That was silly of me; of course it's relevant, and of course that makes much more sense than a photograph. I can see how that would start to tear about the Multiverse, and it's something that I wouldn't have imagined happens very often even without Alex telling us that.

Amazing job. I love this.

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Author's Response: More chills, yay!! And yeah, I enjoyed working through some of Draco's issues and guilt with this other version of Hermione, it brings home to him more of his terrible behaviour in the past, and magnifies to him how much he is willing to change for the better (and already has).

I'm glad the hint at the whole soul thing came across a tiny bit before. It's definitely something to pay attention to ;)


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Review #5, by BeeezieThe Dream Trilogy Book Two: Tread On My Dreams: Chapter Four: Dream On Part One

6th March 2016:
I love these flashbacks so much. I wasn't at all expecting them when I started reading, but they're a wonderful way to really delve into this Draco's character and learn how he became, well, this Draco. It's really wonderfully done. Along with the obvious - his mother's death, how he gets genuinely involved in the resistance - it's really interesting to see some of the background of his friendship with Blaise. It's a minor thing, but I love the way you've managed in both stories to really depict a deep and genuine attachment between two opposite sex best friends without there being any romance, at least not that I can see - that's something that's still sadly a little lacking in fanfiction, particularly if the people in question aren't related to each other.

You've captured Bellatrix wonderfully, too. She's such a loose cannon - I can totally believe that she'd just kill someone who screwed up. I'm a little surprised she hasn't killed any of them yet, but wanting hostages does make sense. I just hope she doesn't decide that four hostages are one hostage too many.

I absolutely love that Alex snatched him out of the Floo Network (I guess. Probably. I have no idea). Regardless, though, I'm really excited to finally (maybe) get some answers - I was wondering whether that picture would turn out to be a problem! I think that's probably what Alex means, but time to move onto the next chapter. You end on such killer cliffhangers!

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Author's Response: I'm glad you like the flashbacks! Yes, I thought it was important to elevate Draco so he was sort of on Harry's level so the audience is equally invested in them both, as they share this story together.

It's really lovely to hear how much you like the dynamic between Draco and Blaise, it was definitely one of my favourite things about this story. I sort of wish I'd gotten more back into the fandom before I'd published this though, as I probably would have changed Blaise to Pansy to simplify matters. But ahh well.

Haha, Bellatrix is my favourite love-to-hate character, she's so much fun to write!! And yes, Alex will definitely be giving us some answers in the next instalment...


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Review #6, by BeeezieThe Dream Trilogy Book Two: Tread On My Dreams: Chapter Three: Away From Me Part Two

6th March 2016:
There are more significant things going on in this chapter that I'll get to in a sec, but - oh, I love these little moments so much. The "Wait, what now?" revelations that result from the fairly significant differences between their worlds. The Wormtail revelation in the last book was one of them; the "you did what now with the Basilisk" right now is another, and it was glorious.

It also, of course, emphasizes the fairly significant differences between this Harry and the other universe's Harry. Obviously the situations were totally different - it doesn't sound like there was any opportunity, however remote, for the other universe's Harry to kill the Basilisk - but the fact that this Harry went through that and that Harry didn't does mean something about their character and how they experience the world around them. Things have happened to the other Harry far. This Harry, however ineffective he felt in certain points in canon (particularly OotP), is an incredibly active participant to the events unfolding around him, which is why OotP was such a struggle for him. He happens to things. It's a different mindset, and the conversation about the Basilisk illustrates that quite nicely.

Also, I just love it on its face, along with the Whomping Willow moment.

More importantly, though: wow, I love your imagination. The wranglers were a wonderful touch, and I'm so intrigued to see you explore them further. I was not at all expecting the ambush, though - oh my god. I must read on.

And finally:

“Harry, really,” fussed Hermione. “Swearing won’t make her appear.” No, he thought, but it made him feel a lot better.

I'm right there with you, Harry.

This was amazing. Wonderful, wonderful job. ♥

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Author's Response: Yes, I am fascinated by the idea of alternate universes (obviously) and the small differences that would lead to big changes. I agree, the other Harry had to suffer through a lot of stuff happening at hi over the years that he had no control over, whereas our Harry was an active participant and so they would obviously come out of these situations differently.

Haha, I'm not sure anymore where those wranglers came from, they just popped up several years ago. I do like to run away with my imagination - it's something I've definitely learned from the likes of JK Rowling and Joss Whedon - when presented with a situation that could maybe be cliched, try and do something totally opposite. It helps with coming up with more original ideas :-D


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Review #7, by BeeezieThe Dream Trilogy Book Two: Tread On My Dreams: Chapter Three: Away From Me Part One

6th March 2016:
So for a minute, I wasn't sure that the beginning was a flashback - I was actually wondering whether the other Draco had gone into Sarah's world and somehow let some dead Death Eaters in or something. I'm glad it was just a flashback - and it's amazing insight into this Draco's character and why he turned out to be a pretty decent person. As I think I said in my reviews on book one, it does feel like the evolution we see in Draco in canon mirrors this Draco very closely - it's just accelerated, and I found it to be totally believable.

His thoughts about Parvati's "dirty" country did make me pause and wonder whether there's something more than displaced anger and mutual animosity in why he dislikes her so much - and it would add an extra layer to why Harry and Parvati are so hostile to him. His thoughts toward everyone are pretty uncharitable, but the specific nature of that uncharitable thought (as opposed to association with Harry, magical talent, being generally unaware that the castle is about to be invaded) is particularly uncomfortable.

It's an interesting touch, and I really like it. You're in no way glossing over how awful he was, and it gives a little more context to why he's not really defending himself against Ron's hostility.

The way you describe the scene is truly horrific, and I'm glad that my apartment is too small to have a genuine hallway - otherwise, I'd definitely be sidling along the walls tonight. It was so beyond creepy, and I can see how that would be just as much of a life-changing experience as Sarah's was in the last book.

I'm slightly worried about how Draco will react with regards to his mother, who is presumably still alive in this reality. I think he'll probably still do the right thing, but it's going to be a tough situation, and it'll be awful if he basically sees his mother die twice.

Terrific job, as always.

For the HPFF Review-a-thon!

Author's Response: Sorry to confuse you at the start with the flashback lol, but I'm overjoyed it creeped you out so much - mission accomplished!

Yeah, I think Draco's prejudices would extend to flat out racism, and in the mid-nineties I saw a lot of it towards Indian/Pakistani/Bangladeshi people - before it turned to anti-Islam after 9/11, everyone from that sort of region saw a lot of horribleness.


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Review #8, by BeeezieThe Dream Trilogy Book Two: Tread On My Dreams: Chapter Two: Carry On Wayward Son Part Two

6th March 2016:
So on one hand, I kind of want to hit Ron for being so hostile, but it's definitely consistent with his character, and based on his experiences with Draco, he has no reason to think remotely positively of him. I also suspect that Ron isn't particularly keen on the fact that in this other universe, he's dead - and Sarah has just reminded him of that. The fact that Draco is taking it in stride is wonderful, and I think it says a lot about where he's coming from. What I was saying about the other Harry being a little sheltered compared to this Harry (for lack of a better word) is obviously completely flipped for Draco, who's got some perspective that Ron in particular lacks.

And, while I've said this in a past review, I really do love what you're doing with Sarah here. Your depiction of her is perfect - the flashbacks, the acting out (again, for lack of a better word), the fluctuation between anger and terror - the way she's approaching this actually reminds me a bit of Harry himself in earlier books. I'm not sure that that's intentional, but either way, it's really wonderfully done.

When they got to Hogsmeade and saw the villagers milling around, a chill went up my spine - I was sure that they were Death Eaters in disguise or something. I'm still not totally convinced that they're not, but the diversion thing is pretty terrifying all on its own. Wow.

Tiny nitpick: it's spelled Rosmerta, not Rosmarta.

Amazing job, as always!

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Author's Response: Haha!! Good, yes, I absolutely LOATH any kind of Weasley bashing, especially Ron or Ginny, but I do think that's how he would react bless him.

Ahh damn it. You're totally right about Rosmerta, not sure how that happened! I'll see if I can go back and fix that :P


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Review #9, by BeeezieThe Dream Trilogy Book Two: Tread On My Dreams: Chapter Two: Carry On Wayward Son Part One

6th March 2016:
Poor Draco and Sarah. It's definitely an interesting mirror to Harry's waking up in their world - there are obviously some major similarities, but there are some pretty significant differences as well. While Harry got to the baptism under fire quickly enough, he did have a few minutes to catch his breath and adjust. Draco and Sarah, on the other hand, are thrust into a truly bizarre situation at first, and given the situation, I don't blame Draco (or Sarah, for that matter) for not figuring out more quickly that they'd jumped into the other universe, despite them both knowing it was theoretically possible.

And, of course, while seeing Seamus on one hand made that infinitely more believable, it was also clearly incredibly jarring, and for good reason. The way you handled that scene in particular really emphasized Sarah's age and the trauma she's gone. I was glad that Draco cut her off when she was about to tell the trio about his relationship with Hermione in their world; it's something that Harry might be appropriate to tell, but it's going to make Hermione feel weird and Ron feel even more jealous and hostile than he does already.

My only bit of CC: while I thought that your depiction of how the Gryffindor Common Room would react to 1) Draco Malfoy appearing in their CR and 2) Harry hugging him was largely believable (though the shouts might be a little overdone), given the tension between them in this universe, I did feel like Hermione's reaction was a little overblown. Being thrown and even angry makes total sense. The melodrama, however, feels a little out of place, and almost makes Hermione come off as afraid of Draco, which I don't think is what you were going for. Her smacking his hand away and then approaching the incident as "What the hell is wrong with him?" rather than "I need a shower because he tried to touch my arm" would have come across as more realistic to me.

That's fairly minor, though, and otherwise, this was another wonderful chapter!

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Author's Response: Ahh that's fair about Hermione. I suppose I just felt that for her, him trying to touch her would be a step waaay over the line, but I can see how it might come across as melodramatic.

I'm thrilled Sarah's age and PTSD are coming across well though, like I said, she holds a very special place in my heart and I poured a lot into her.


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Review #10, by BeeezieThe Dream Trilogy Book Two: Tread On My Dreams: Chapter One: The Adventure Part Three

6th March 2016:
Oh, dear. Yeah, this is the sort of thing I was talking about re: Harry.

To backtrack and try to review this chapter in something approaching a coherent manner:

I love Draco's evolving relationship with Hermione. Again, while I'm sure that her giving him a chance when many people aren't is a contributing factor to his attraction, I really do feel like Hermione's intense competence is a huge draw as well, particularly since unlike in Philosopher's Stone, they're not eleven year olds; the stakes have been much higher, and being a know-it-all isn't such a bad thing.

Harry and Parvati's continued animosity makes sense, though; they're still feeling burned by everything, and while it's pretty clear that they're being unreasonable and overpersonalizing everything, it's still understandable - Hermione's guilty by association (as much with our universe Harry as with this universe's Draco). I'm sure it also rankles that Muggleborns and Harry's own sister are befriending Draco, despite his history and association with Seamus's death.

It's still petty as hell, though, and it's gratifying to see them called on it. I'm having a lot of serious misgivings about Terry, and I think it really speaks toward this Harry's naivete and immaturity that he's insisting on plunging ahead despite Parvati's cautions. While his losing his temper is something I do understand - our Harry did it all the time throughout the books - him revealing information he was specifically told to keep to himself isn't at all consistent with Harry from the series, and I think it speaks to his lack of experience overall.

Loved this chapter, and I can't wait to see what happens when Draco and Sarah enter our Harry's world!

For the HPFF Review-a-thon!

Author's Response: Yeah, Harry doesn't do himself many favours in this chapter lol.

All I'll say is you will see a lot more of Terry, just not for a while ;)


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Review #11, by BeeezieThe Dream Trilogy Book Two: Tread On My Dreams: Chapter One: The Adventure Part Two

6th March 2016:
I really love the changes in perspective; the difference in how the characters see each other and interpret the events unfolding around them is absolutely fascinating.

Draco seems to have focused most of his animosity on Parvati, so the view we're getting of her is extremely uncomplimentary, but it's not that difficult to empathize with where she's coming from - and, moreover, she's not doing anything particularly terrible other than smoking a cigarette, which is hardly the crime of the century. It seems to me like he's displacing some of the conflict and resentment he's feeling to Parvati, because she's an easy target - and it says a lot more to me about how much he misses having a genuine friend than it does anything about Parvati.

And, on a broader level, it honestly says a lot more to me about how fractured the dynamic is between all of them in general than any real character deficits in anyone specifically. I can understand where they're all coming from, and I love that you're really hammering in that there are no easy answers.

I loved Hermione's appearance. I think she's probably the character who's remained the most consistent across the two universes, which - as I think I said in my reviews on the first story - makes sense to me. I can see why Draco is drawn to her - part of it is that she comes to his defense when he really needs it, but I think that part of it is also that people in general are drawn to competence and talent, which Hermione clearly has. It was always her armor in the series, so it's quite consistent that it would be her armor now as well.

I'm sorry I've had less crit thus far than I did last time - I tend not to write gushing reviews without any CC, but it's difficult to fault anything about the story so far. My only quibble here was Draco moving in with the Potters, because it's such a departure from the norm - but at the same time, I do feel like you set it up well and show the tensions within the Potter family following the events of the first story, so it really is quite minor.

Overall, amazing job. I loved what you did with the Sorting, and I can't wait to read on!

For the HPFF Review-a-thon!

Author's Response: I have to say, I really love Parvati and I find her an extremely sympathetic character. I hate when people think I've turned her into a b*tch for no reason, she's as troubled by losing Seamus as Harry, and is just dealing with it in a slightly immature way. I'm so glad you appreciate the complex dynamic between the characters.

Hermione's appearance gives me such joy haha! I really loved setting her and Draco up as a couple. I have to be honest, and admit I'm not really a Dramione fan in the general scheme of things, but I think in this alternate universe they just fit so well together :-D


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Review #12, by BeeezieThe Dream Trilogy Book Two: Tread On My Dreams: Chapter One: The Adventure Part One

5th March 2016:
And I'm hooked. That didn't take long.

I wasn't expecting to start in the other universe at all! I love that that's what you did, though - it's a great way to open the story. The last story ended on a pretty uplifting note, all things considered, which was fitting - but it's also fitting that this story starts with the heartache after the happy ending, so to speak. Voldemort was defeated, which is obviously a very good thing, but there's a lot of emotional fallout from it.

Of course this Harry would feel this way. It's totally consistent with both the situation in general and what we know about this universe's Harry in particular. I think anyone would feel betrayed and angry about being displaced and coming back to a dead friend and instant celebrity status they knew nothing about; particularly when coupled with the dreams he's been having, it's a traumatic series of events. I don't blame him for not slotting back into his life easily; how could he?

Beyond that, though, while I don't think we ever actually met this universe's Harry in the first book, there were a lot of indications that despite growing up in the midst of the Wizarding War, he was pretty immature and even self-centered. Maybe that's in part because while the war never ended for him, he also grew up 1) with a family who loved him and 2) with pretty limited exposure to people who didn't. He just doesn't have the same perspective, and consequently, he has a harder time moving past pettiness.

I also loved Sarah's perspective - you're introducing so much complexity into this story already, and it's only chapter one. There's not any one simple answer - the emotions involved are all very complex, and I can understand where she's coming from, too. That's sort of what I mean when I say that this universe's Harry lacks perspective - he's so caught up in his own mind and his own trauma that he's blocking his sister off, and while I think that Greta is probably right about why he's doing it (and wow, I loved the way you worked Greta into this), I still feel like this is the point at which you put your own feelings to the side enough to be there for your sibling. Sarah has been through a very tough time, and while I can understand why she'd be drawn to Draco and while I like their relationship so far, Harry should be there for her.

This was amazing. I can't wait to keep reading!

For the HPFF Review-a-thon!

Author's Response: Yeah, lol, like I said, starting in this universe with this Harry being so traumatised (and not very nice because of it) has made people angry and downright abusive in the past, so I'm hugely relieved that you understand where I'm coming from. No, we never met him in the last book, but it is definitely implied that he was a bit spoiled. He doesn't have the perspective and experience that our Harry has, and he's suffered because of that.

Sarah is extremely close to my heart, so I'm thrilled you like her too :-D xxx


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Review #13, by BeeezieThe Dream Trilogy Book Two: Tread On My Dreams: Prologue: Land Of Confusion

5th March 2016:
Hey! So this is entirely too belated, but I'm finally back to read and review Book 2. There's a review-a-thon going on on the forums for the fundraiser, so naturally I thought of the Dream Trilogy, which I've been wanting to get back to for ages. :)

So, that said: I loved this chapter. I'd forgotten how engaging and witty your writing is, and this was the perfect reminder. Alex was so wonderfully snarky through this entire chapter, and the couple pop culture references you included were amazing and really grounded an otherwise utterly fantastical scene in a world the readers are familiar with. I'm going to have Puff the Magic Dragon stuck in my head for the rest of the evening, of course, but that's all right.

The amount of creativity and imagination you put into this scene is unbelievable, and it's exactly what I remember really liking about you as an author. You piqued my curiosity in all he right ways - what's the pendant? What's threatening existence now? - and gave enough detail for me to make sense of the other, presumably more extraneous details of the scene without getting sidetracked by them. AU can be hard to get right for a variety of reasons, but based on this chapter, you're going to strike the balance just as well here as you did in the first book. I can't wait to read on - and it's so gratifying to see Seamus, despite th unpleasantness at the end of book one.

I can't wait to keep going!

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Author's Response: Wow.

Okay, I haven't been on HPFF for a while as I've been writing other stuff and have sort of put the trilogy on the back burner. I was stunned to see I'd got 13 new reviews, but then I was actually quite scared to see you'd started Book Two - that might sound silly! But I value your opinion a lot and people have not reacted kindly to the change in tone in this book and I lose a lot of readers here.

But dear lord you just GET IT. You get all the PTSD and the character defaults (that I see as making them whole, complete characters) and the plot and, I'm actually so relieved and a bit emotional haha.

Thank you so much, I'm going to respond to each chapter now, starting with this one. Thank you so much for your kind words on my writing, I'm thrilled :-D I'm so glad you enjoyed Alex, Seamus and Puff - they will be back, I can promise you! xxx


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Review #14, by BeeezieMistaken for Strangers: James Helps A Cat

13th February 2016:
Hey, J! I'm here for BvB. :)

I'm a bit at odds about this chapter. There were a lot of things I really liked, but there were also a fair number of things that came off as a bit awkward to me. I'll try to touch on them both, and hope that you don't feel like I'm being too harsh about the latter. :)

The good:

I really enjoyed the character development in this. While his family was included in a few parts (and wow - Lily really is terrible at naming things!), they definitely weren't the major focus, which did two important things, IMO.

First, it established a new tone to the story: while you've had chapters that didn't really focus on his family before, the tone of this felt to me like it wasn't just a brief respite before he had to wade back into them - it felt to me like the changes in his schedule were helping to distance him from his family in the longer term.

Second, it allowed you to really explore relationships James has with people outside his immediate family; Anna has been a common thread throughout the story, obviously, and Quidditch has been present throughout, but I actually found his interaction with Scorpius to be really interesting, and I wouldn't mind seeing those two spend a little more time together.

The awkward:

While I enjoyed the chapter overall, I didn't feel like the actual writing was really your strongest, particularly not earlier on in the chapter; the dialogue itself was generally fine, but the actions surrounding it didn't always flow very well, and it sometimes felt like your were forcing description in to break up the dialogue rather than because it genuinely added something to the story.

I also felt like your depiction of Scorpius's panic attack felt a little cursory - I can understand not wanting to spend significant space on it, but even so, I'd have liked to see a little more acknowledgement of time passing, even if it was as simple as a couple lines of summary rather than a full depiction of it (or just a reference to it being anxiety rather than a full-blown panic attack).

Overall, I did enjoy the chapter - I just feel like you could tighten up the writing a bit more. :happy:

Author's Response: Hey Branwen!

Thanks so much for this super helpful review. I'm not going to lie-- I think this is the weakest chapter of the story, and that's why I procrastinated posting it for so long. I probably should have done a full rewrite, but I just wasn't invested enough to do that, as terrible as that sounds. So don't worry at all about sounding harsh-- I was honestly expecting much much more criticism! You've really helped me develop as a writer and getting your feedback is very helpful. :)

This chapter is definitely the beginning of a change, as the first part of the story is really family-heavy, and the rest of it is much more about him breaking away (and the consequences thereof). So I'm glad you could kind of sense that!

He and Scorpius definitely develop their own relationship, which pops up a bit in this story and manifests in the Scorose spinoff I'm going to post when this fic is complete. If I had extended this fic further, I definitely would've gone a bit more in-depth on this, but I kinda switched away from making this story as long as I planned for it to be and so this is a bit of a loose end. Sorry to raise your expectations and not deliver!

The writing in this chapter is super super meh. Like I said, I've contemplated doing a whole rewrite of it, but I'm working on other things that inspire me more so I'm not sure if I'll get around to it. If/when I go back, I'll keep in mind your comments-- I've been having trouble pinning down what's so off about it, and what you've pointed out are great places to start!

I'll also keep your comments in mind about Scorpius-- I felt like I was already off on too much of a tangent, but I did want to keep it realistic, so it seems like I didn't find the right balance. Thanks for pointing that out.

I could definitely tighten the writing up a LOT more! Thank you so much for being honest-- I've been dreading getting feedback on this chapter because it reads so terribly to me, and you've helped me understand why I feel like that a lot better. :)

Seriously, never worry about being harsh on this story-- I have a lot of problems with it that I can't quite articulate and it's very useful to hear your criticisms. :)

--J


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Review #15, by BeeezieMistaken for Strangers: James Buys Some Books

6th February 2016:
Hey, J! I'm here for BvB! :)

My heart went out for James here. It's one thing that certain parts of his personality have kind of gotten lost among all of the Weasley-Potter clan at Hogwarts or at family gatherings, but it's pretty clear at this point that even his parents don't really know him when he's not being loud. It's understandable, I guess, and I obviously don't doubt that they love him, but it is a little sad to see.

There was such a difference between his conversation with his mother (as well as with Leanne and Regan) and his conversation with Anna. Despite his slight hesitation in going up to her, he came off as far more relaxed once they started talking.

I found her relative lack of interest in his background a little strange, though. Not necessarily in a bad way, but it does make me think that he's more into her than she is into him. She's happy to engage if books are involved, but other than that, she seems to have limited interest in him. It's mind-boggling to me (characteristic, but still mind-boggling) that after hearing that he had so many family members at Hogwarts, she didn't follow up at all about who they might be. I'm curious to see how their relationship continues to progress.

A little CC -

There were a few points that felt a bit awkward to me. I felt like the paragraph starting, "Regan looked tanner, James decided" would have read much smoother if you'd just worked that description in when they were walking toward him. As is, it reads kind of like James is attracted to Regan, which I don't think was your intention.

Overall, though, I really enjoyed this chapter, and the juxtaposition between James-with-Anna and James-with-family is becoming more and more stark. I can't wait to see where you take it!

Also, just fyi - the dimensions for a chapter image are actually 380x300, not 300x380 - if you can change that asap, that would be great. :)

Author's Response: Hey Branwen, thanks for stopping by! It's always super helpful to hear what you have to say. :)

I agree that the degree to which James/his personality is so overwhelmed by his family is somewhat sad. To be honest, it's heavily inspired by my experiences within my own (large) family, because it's been really easy to get lost in the shuffle and a lot of the time, people expect me to be exactly who I was when they last saw me/when I was much younger. I've also thought about how hard it must be for busy people like Ginny and Harry to connect to their kids when they spend so much time away from Hogwarts, but I think over the story you'll see more of that. Family, as much as it overwhelms him, is very important to James, and his relationship with that really develops throughout the story.

I think it's also hard to relate to his family's reactions because we see such a unique side to him (when he's with Anna), but most of the time he's blending in with his family a lot more. While I was really into that perspective when I wrote most of the story, I realize that it's also limiting and casts a somewhat negative light on his family

I think Anna really lets him relax because there aren't many expectations or preconceived notions there. Your comments about her reactions to him have actually led me to go back and edit the chapter, because I was intending for her to be overwhelmed more than uninterested. I imagine her to be the type of person who goes over conversations in her head afterwards and thinks of lots of things she'd like to say, even though at the time she doesn't know what to do.

Thanks for pointing that out! I went back over and edited a few things. :) That difference is definitely a huge part of this story so I'm glad it's shining through!

I've gone back and just deleted the CIs (sorry validators-- well, sorry to you and your team, Branwen!) because they were never that great to begin with and it's not worth the effort to switch. Thanks for letting me know about that! :)

Thanks again for your helpful comments, Branwen! It's great to hear from you. :)

--J


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Review #16, by BeeezieLetters to loving you: [one]

6th February 2016:
Hey, Anja! I'm here for BvB! :) It's great to have you back for it. ♥

I found your take on the Malfoys post-Battle of Hogwarts to be really believable and realistic. It makes sense that Draco and Narcissa might be held under house arrest; while they were certainly part of the regime, they weren't anywhere near as active in Voldemort's reign of terror as Lucius (and it makes sense that he'd be taken away, too - I just can't imagine him getting off). I also liked that you kept Harry's testimony believable and in keeping with what we actually saw of his perception regarding Draco and Narcissa. He clearly kept his testimony to the objective basics, which makes sense, and the fact that Draco clearly had had no contact with Harry while he was awaiting trial made his confusion when Harry showed up and testified on his behalf quite clear that he had no idea how far Harry had moved past their enmity from school.

I also liked the difference in his and his mother's sentences. I completely agree that Draco really shouldn't have been put in Azkaban - he was a kid, and I'm generally opposed to locking up people for things they did as minors if there's any other solution - but Narcissa was far more complicit and for a much longer period of time than Draco. She did deserve jail time - but the shorter sentence seemed reasonable, given the situation. I love Draco's sentence - I can't wait to see how you depict it!

I also found your take on their respective relationships with Lucius really intriguing, and I'm interested to see how you expand on that further throughout the story. We saw that Lucius was willing to go to great lengths to support Voldemort and that he was quite cavalier with the lives of others, including eleven year old girls about to go to Hogwarts. (Poor Ginny.) I can imagine how that might have manifested in different but still very stressful and anxiety-provoking ways for Draco, and given how devoted Narcissa is toward Draco - yeah, I can see that creating a significant rift.

There were a couple things that felt a little odd, though. In the paragraph starting, "I could feel the heat of blood rushing through my body," Draco referring to himself in the third person seemed a little odd - "my mother and I were locked up for good" would have made much more sense. I also wasn't sure why you didn't mention Dean - I'm pretty sure he was with Harry & co when they were captured, at least in the series.

Other than that, though, this was a great first chapter. I'm so glad you're a Claw again and I'll have more chances to read your stuff! ♥

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Review #17, by BeeezieLa Bête Noire: quand l’étérnité finit.

28th January 2016:
Hey, Laura! I'm here for BvB!

I thought about stopping in on one of your other stories instead - I feel like I've left about half of them half-finished - but this caught my eye and I couldn't resist, so I guess I've got another one of your stories to add to my reading list. ♥

I adored this. It's so haunting and beautifully written - you're such an amazing author. There aren't many authors on HPFF whose prose can match yours, and you're at your best here. You captured Dumbledore so wonderfully here - this fits perfectly with his conversation with Harry at the end of PS. There's a veneer of serenity, but I could also see hints of a deeper and darker undertone. That's Dumbledore as we knew him in a nutshell, I think, and you've done a wonderful job in every fic of yours that I've read that attempts to capture a very complicated man.

I also love the way you characterized Flamel; he's got a very strong personality, and it's interesting to see Dumbledore interacting with someone who's genuinely an equal. I don't think we ever saw someone pushing back against him in canon, not really, especially not to his face - maybe Snape and McGonagall, but even they deferred to his judgment in the end. Flamel is calling him out in ways that are a little bit uncomfortable, and I love it. What he says about Fawkes is amazing. I need to know more so badly!

This review feels so insubstantial, but I just don't know what else to say. You're amazing.

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Review #18, by Beeezieto the end of time: Move In

20th January 2016:
Hey, Claire! I'm here for BvB! So psyched to get back to this story - you know how much I love it.

I think that Padma has a really, really good point here, though I'm not surprised that Parvati doesn't want to see it. Yes, they lived together in school, but that was a very different situation in many ways, and (as Padma also pointed out), Lavender was in a very different place back then. This is a super messy situation, and while I'm obviously happy about it because it'll hopefully move them closer toward a relationship (oh, please have that happen!), it's something that I'd counsel my best friend against if she were to do it. (And, actually, have counseled my best friend against!) Of course, after she'd offered, it would be very, very difficult to just take it back, so I do understand why she's trying to look on the bright side once Lavender is actually moving in.

This is such a tough situation, though, and I feel like Parvati's feelings were probably what caused the impulsive offer in the first place - friendship is wonderful and they're clearly very close, but one consistent thread through this entire story has been that Parvati really, really wants Lavender's approval. This isn't the first time that she's been motivated by wanting to make Lavender happy no matter what, and I love the consistency of that even as they grow up and their situations change.

Amazing job. I loved this, and I'm so happy you're back!

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Review #19, by BeeezieTroublemakers: Troublemakers

19th January 2016:
Hey, Panda! I'm here for BvB!

I loved this premise so much. Those are the best commercials, and they fit troublemakers like James and Sirius so well. And, while this may have been less intentional, I also liked the normalcy of this detention compared with Harry's detentions writing lines, which was quite a bit more sinister than this.

Of course, the tongue twisters are their own form of torture. Poor James - I can't believe she kept him at it for an hour! He's much more patient (and much better at tongue twisters) than I would be in his situation.

And then, of course, came the musical. If anyone would do something that absurd, of course it would be James and Sirius. Poor Professor Ginger - keeping someone at tongue twisters for an hour is cruel, but I'm not sure that even tongue twisters warrant a ball grown and confetti. :P

My only quibble is that I'm not totally sure that James would have been able to cast a talking Patronus while he and Sirius were still in school; I thought Dumbledore had invented that? The two way mirrors would have made more sense to me. Then again, the musical was so amazingly implausible that it doesn't even really matter, haha.

Overall, though, this was hilarious - I loved it. Amazing job.

Author's Response: Hey there Branwen!
Thank you for this fabulous review!

I really enjoyed making James do all of those tongue twisters. I can imagine him being patient about it but inside furiously boiling away. And Professor Ginger was just having too much fun!

I didn't even think about the talking Patronus happening after this. You are definitely right, the mirrors would make a lot more sense. I'll have to go back and change that when I have time. Thank you so much for pointing that out!

~Panda


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Review #20, by BeeeziePride and Scorpius: Other Lessons

9th January 2016:
Hey, I'm here for BvB!

I really like the way you started this chapter - it makes sense that both lessons and the curriculum would have changed over the span of nearly two decades, and while her mother's notes must have been helpful, they're not a get out of jail free card, either. ... other than for Binns. Who really, really needs to get sacked already.

I loved that you have Rose struggle with learning charms - it makes complete sense to me that she'd have trouble with some subjects, and her complete lack of subtlety combined with her stubbornness makes this work really well. I also really enjoyed Scorpius mocking Rose over it - as I've said, I really wanted to see him needling at her without any obvious provocation, and this definitely qualifies - and it spurred her on to master the spell in a way that made a lot of sense.

The inclusion of goblin-made materials into the curriculum also works really wonderfully with the overall changes you've made in including goblins in this. My only concern was whether the goblins would really be okay with letting wizards in on their process to such an extreme extent - we saw a lot of paranoia early on. I'm sure you'll cover that appropriately going forward, though.

One quick nitpick:

While I've loved your world building overall, I don't think you've gone as far as you could - and, probably, you should - in creating new teachers. As I mentioned in the last review, it seems very strange to me that the Headmistress is still teaching an entire subject - doesn't she have other things to do? Similarly, Slughorn and Flitwick still being around seems a little odd.

Otherwise, though, great chapter!

Author's Response: So the last review in my list to do, so that you don't go through to the next chapter with unresolved 'issues' with my stuff - well meaning and constructive and good intentioned as the 'issues' are. ;)

And Hermione's notes. She took such good ones that I couldn't see them go to waste. It's also a part of my belief that the teachers would not have stagnated over that time period too, that they would have changed and for the better. So Hermione's notes are useful but not a quick fix.

Except for Binns. Yes, the awful teaching habits of Binns would have had him fired in any modern school that I know of. In some real ways, so should the teaching style of a certain 'evil potions master' have been rectified, if not curtailed. I have some plans for the history of magic lessons, don't you fear.

It is always a struggle for me not to love my characters too much and thus want to make them perfect or spare them some hurts that I know are necessary. For instance, there is a character that I haven't even written one line about, who is destined to die and I feel so sorry for them already.

So I had to give Rose some true weaknesses. She is a bit unlikeable, especially in her treatment of Scorpius, so that makes up some of her imperfections. But that is changeable, and will change over the course of the story - Rose will have a definite character arc where she improves in this area. Remember she is the one that comes to school with all the prejudice and not Scorpius, she has to be disabused of those notions if she is to grow and (hopefully) fall in love with Scorpius.

Anyway, I am getting off track. Charms is one of her weaknesses too. And fitting in with my reasoning, it is for a very good reason too. This is not exactly the case, but Transfiguration is more Gryffindor - you force your will upon the world - and Charms more Slytherin - you have to subtly coax the world into doing your bidding.

Is Scorpius mocking her, or is he not - that's what gets to Rose the most. We know that he is getting some sly measure of his own back at her continued nastiness towards him, but she only suspects it. It fits with each of their characters and also advances the character development of Rose too - a win win situation.

I liked the inclusion of the 'Making stuff' lessons. There are all these wonderful magical items in the wizarding world. Tech subjects are always a favourite with kids in school, I thought it was high time they learnt more tech subject than just potions.

As for how goblins feel about it, again this will be explained not in the future, but in the past. It is addressed in a very big way in an up coming chapter of Harry Potter and the Final Year. There are good reasons, both practical and political, for the sharing of these secrets. The main one of course being that it doesn't matter - the goblins can share the 'secret' all they like, only 'Smiths' can actually make 'goblin made' items, and they are very very rare. Perhaps I should say more about it in this chapter, go back in and add something along those lines to make it clearer.

And finally your nitpick. You would be entirely correct except that you have only seen the teachers who are teaching Rose. We are seeing this world of Hogwarts through the eyes of Rose. We have only seen her teachers. If these teachers were set to retire, and a lot of them will be over the course of this story, then they might share their classes with their replacements and ease the new professors into teaching. If so, then the old teachers would only take the easy classes and the classes that they had to - probably the OWL and/or the NEWT ones. That is what is happening. We shall see the new teachers in the chapters and years to come. For instance there will be a whole new Headmaster to come in the next year and I hope that my readers shall like him.

As of this response the story has had 5469 reads and this chapter has had 195, thank you all.


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Review #21, by BeeeziePride and Scorpius: Rose's First Lesson: Transfiguration

7th January 2016:
I'm here for BvB!

So before I get to the rest of the review, I just need to say how much I enjoyed the mention of Garth Nix (as I'm sure you could have guessed, haha). Amazing author, though I would personally have been even more enthused if you'd mentioned the Old Kingdom series. :P

I loved how lost Rose got in her book - it's something that I think most readers have experienced. When I was a kid, my parents would have to call me to dinner about five times before I even processed it - I was just so absorbed in my book that I didn't notice that. That makes Rose's irritation with Scorpius feel a little more understandable to me here than it usually does - I was always a little temperamental after being interrupted, too!

I also loved the Transfiguration lesson - the way you explained it was wonderful, because it complemented what we'd learned in the books beautifully while still adding your own interpretation into the very heart of what transfiguration is and how it works. I loved the way McGonagall explained what makes transfiguration spells easier and harder, and the lesson felt more practical and tailored to the individual students' learning styles and needs than lessons we saw in the book.

A few issues did pop up for me, though. I'm not sure whether they'll be addressed in the future or not, but either way, I thought I'd point them out.

Initially, when Rose talked about being in Australia, I'd assumed that she meant for a visit. But then she mentioned primary school, which would presumably imply an entire year. I'm still a little confused about why she'd do that, and about why her grandparents are still in Australia at all - did they just decide to stay there after Hermione lifted the memory charm?'

I also do still feel like you could be doing a better job at absorbing us into Rose's emotions and response to Scorpius. Given how well you've done so elsewhere, it sticks out a bit when the crux of her irritation with Scorpius is "for some reason" - even if she can't identify what's annoying her about him, it would seem more realistic to me if there was some internal progression.

I also wasn't sure why the Headmistress was teaching classes - presumably she has other things to do, and Dumbledore never did. Maybe this is just a one-time thing, but regardless, I'd have liked that to be expanded on a little more.

Overall, though, another excellent chapter!

Author's Response: Chewing through these responses quickly because some of your criticism from the next review in line, should have been answered in reading a response to this one first.

I so knew that you would love the mention of Mr Nix, though it might not have been personally tailored to your particular likes. ;) It could have been any of his series - I like them all - but I referenced the Trouble Twisters series because it had more bearing upon the thoughts of Rose that I wanted to highlight, as well as being more appropriate for an eleven year old.

Yes, when Rose is interrupted she did get a bit testy. But did you see, that before she knew who it was she was inclined to be polite? Once she saw it was him, that's when she said what she did. The 'mental lag' left over from reading was also the reason that she said all that she did. She didn't really mean for it come all out, as she thinks to her regret later in the scene.

So the transfiguration is a bit of my head cannon mixed in with a bit of logic too. I'm really glad that it has struck a sympathetic chord amongst my readership. It also shows a reason for Rose to be so good at it. More will be developed about it along the way.

And McGonagall too, I really wanted to show that she hadn't been standing still as a teacher - that she had grown over the years. This also falls into one of the areas that you found a bit strange. I thought that I had made it clear in the chapter, but McGonagall is only really teaching this first year class and not terribly many others. She says - "I had less and less time to teach, but I was intrigued by you lot so I took on the first years for one last time." She might be also seeing her last NEWT class through to completion too, but Rose is unaware of it. I think that she is taking this class in particular, because Hermione was a bit of a favourite (as much as she showed that she had any) and I think that she would like to see just what her daughter would be like.

I not only like her as a character, but found that I really love to write her. She is such a joy to write, especially as how I have her retiring - she can finally let her hair down and show some of her Gryffindorness through that her strictness up till now has largely hidden. I always loved that bit in the books when she whispered out of the corner of her mouth to Peves on how to unscrew the chandelier during Umbridge's rein. I wanted to recapture that, especially with her treatment of Fred and James. We shall see a bit more of that latter.

The stuff about Hermione's parents won't really be discussed in the future so much as in the past. It will feature in an upcoming chapter of my other story set in the Post-Hogwarts era. But yes they did stay in Australia, and also Rose stayed with them for a year and did a year of primary school whilst she was there. There are a few reasons for this, but one main one is that there will be some 'Australianisims' that creep through my writing. They can be explained easily enough as being a product of Rose's stay there and that the story is being written through largely her point of view.

Part of the reason that there has been no real progression of her feelings for him is that there has really not been that much, progression that is. Remember, even though this is the eighth chapter, Rose has only known Scorpius for three days by this stage - it is the morning of the fourth day since they met. There hasn't been much time for anything to progress. Also it is for 'some reason' that she doesn't really know - for Rose that is. We all know, or hopefully I have made it obvious, that she finds him attractive, but doesn't understand what it is having never really experienced the emotion before and being incredibly emotionally naive (and a bit repressed to in that way).

As always, I'm glad that someone I like and respect liked my story - it is very pleasing to me. As of this response the story as a whole has had 5467 reads and this chapter has had 259, thank you all.


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Review #22, by BeeezieA Stocking for Dobby: A Stocking for Dobby

7th January 2016:
Hey, I'm here for BvB! I hope it's okay that I'm reviewing this - I just clicked on one of your signature links, and had no idea it was so old until I read the A/N.

This was a really cute one-shot. I love the idea of Harry trying to raise awareness about house elves as well as tangible financial resources to help them. It suits what we know about him as a character, and it's particularly fitting that he'd hang the stocking for Dobby, who was so important to him in a lot of different ways even before he died trying to save Harry and his friends. It fit particularly nicely with the Weasleys' Christmas as we saw it in the first scene; the love and acceptance that was so clear from the gathering transitioned perfectly to Harry talking about Dobby, in a way that I don't know that anything else would have managed. The time skips forward to show that this was a widespread and ongoing thing, rather than a one-time awareness campaign that didn't reach far past Harry himself, made this so much more meaningful, too.

While I liked the concept overall, though, I wasn't entirely sure about the scene with Draco in particular - while I can see him donating money, depending on how one sees his character developing after the war, I had a harder time seeing a Draco who chose to marry Pansy Parkinson doing that, and it makes Draco's post-war life seem incredibly sad in the middle of a generally uplifting one-shot. It would have fit better, IMO, for either his mother to complain to him about it or for him to hear about it and do it on his own.

Overall, though, this was a very cute one-shot. Nice job. :)

Author's Response: Thanks so much for this review. Yeah, this was written in my first year of fanfic writing and would be quite different if written now, especially the scenes with George and Draco. At the time, I didn't know that George ended up with Angelina or Draco with Astoria.

I definitely would have portrayed Narcissa softer, and Draco would have used it as a teaching moment for his son instead of doing it in secret. I believe he would have kept it anonymous still, but wouldn't have had the negative reaction from his family, except Lucius maybe.

I'm glad you liked the scenes with Harry and the Weasleys, I think I write them pretty well, and I've always had a feel for Harry's voice. I don't think he'd want to free all the house-elves, but helping the mistreated ones find better employment is something he'd definitely do.

Thanks again, much appreciated.


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Review #23, by BeeezieThe Twelve Days of Christmas: Victoire

5th January 2016:
Hey, Stef! I'm here for BvB! :)

I absolutely loved this chapter - it was adorable on so many levels! The fact that Teddy and Victoire named their daughter Nymph was heart-warming and heart-breaking all at once. I loved seeing Tonks remembered like that, but the reminder that she never even saw her son grow up, let alone her granddaughter, was like a punch in the gut. A good kind, though? I guess?

The way you turned what was supposed to be a nice trip to see Santa into a fiasco was perfect, particularly given that Nymph is so young. Outings with babies never seem to go as smoothly as they should, though it's not surprising that as new parents, Teddy and Victoire are still figuring that out. Using the picture as their Christmas card was perfect, too - while I get that Victoire was hoping for a proper photo that she could show people for them to oo and ah at, I feel like this is probably a more common experience! I'm sure that more than one recipient will have their own similar stories to share next time they see them, too - this could definitely lead to a trip down a particularly disastrous memory lane. :P

Wonderful job.

Author's Response: Hello!

Thanks for the lovely review!

I'm so happy that you liked this! And I saw that you posted a quote from this one-shot in the new Squee the Claw thread! Thank you so much for that mention! It's so kind of you!!

I'm glad you liked this. It is definitely sad that Tonks never saw her son, let alone her granddaughter, grow up. I think she'd be such a fun mother and grandmother. But it's always been my headcanon that Teddy honours his parents memory in many ways, naming his daughter after his mother is just one of them.

Babies, from what I understand, are always causing surprises. And as new parents Teddy and Victoire are definitely still figuring it all out. But they did get a pretty fun photo here that I'm sure they'll keep for years to come :)

Thank you again for reading!

Stefanie


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Review #24, by BeeezieA Binary System: je suis vide

4th January 2016:
Hey, Olivia! I'm here for BvB!

So I really, really loved this. The way you describe their relationship building felt so realistic - there wasn't this crazy immediate crazy You Are The One attraction, but rather something that grew bit by bit. It was lovely to read about, and it really fit for me into what we know about Remus and Sirius as people - because while there's a definite undercurrent of the Sirius-as-heartbreaking-flirt trope in the HP fandom, there really wasn't any evidence of it in the books. I really believed Remus's feelings and I was so happy when they got together - and so gutted when you threw a huge wrench into it before they even left Hogwarts.

I'm glad you did, though. I don't think I've ever read anything else that really explores how Remus would have reacted to Sirius's prank, and I've never really thought of it from Remus's perspective. But now that you've made me - oh my god, you're so right. Werewolf or not, the knowledge that he'd caused someone's death would have weighed very heavily on Remus, and while I don't believe Sirius was thinking in those terms... It kind of doesn't matter. He should have been, both as Remus's friend and as his boyfriend. If I were Remus, I'd also have been really disturbed and hurt by that betrayal, and it gives a really interesting spin to his interactions with Harry and to the schism between them, which I've always wondered about.

You did an amazing job with this, and I'm so happy I've read it.

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Review #25, by BeeeziePride and Scorpius: Hat’s for House-Elves

3rd January 2016:
Hey, I'm back for BvB!

Just a couple quick nitpicks:

I noticed a few typos early in the chapter. I think the chapter title should be "Hats for House-Elves" and that there should be a period after the first
"Sunday." I also felt like "the previous day" or "the day before" might have worked better in the context of the story than "yesterday," which to me works better in dialogue or a present-tense narrative.

That aside:

I could really understand why the "fan club" rubbed Rose the wrong way. I mentioned last chapter that I wished you'd show more of Rose's reaction, and you've done that here - it's very easy for me to empathize with her about this, because I'd also be quite irritated by the entire situation. While I do get the sense that he wasn't really enjoying the attention, there is a certain privilege in getting the attention regardless - he has a huge group of potential friends he didn't have to do anything for, and whether or not he chooses to pursue any of those friendships, it's a choice no one else seems to have. I do sympathize with him, but I sympathize with Rose, too.

That said, I do still feel like you could be portraying her as a more sympathetic character overall, and part of the issue is that you're sometimes telling where I think showing would be sufficient. For example, when she goes to meet the house elves, you say that The one thing she’d not taken into account, of course, was that it wasn’t going to be only herself involved. No, she’d completely discounted the fact it also depended upon how the house-elves themselves would take her gesture. So completely sure of herself and the positive outcome she was sure she’d receive; she went down to the kitchens with no doubts about her reception. I think that spelling that out, particularly when you don't typically spell out other characters and the problems with the way they're approaching a given situation, is unnecessary and actually harms the reader to interpret Rose and what's actually a pretty nuanced scene on their own merits.

I find what you're doing with Albus's house situation really interesting. I'm still not 100% sure I love the concept, but you're executing it well, and it's definitely leading to some very interesting family dynamics, particularly with James. It seems to me like being between all four houses has the potential to help Albus mature as a person in ways he wouldn't otherwise, until he's finally sorted into a permanent house. (If that ever happens - I'm not convinced, and I still don't see any Slytherin in him.) I can see why he'd find the snakes in the common room off-putting, either way.

Overall, another great chapter! :)

Author's Response: I'm also back, for more responses.

The title *sigh* will go and fix it, thanks.

But the thing about the 'yesterday' is that I am writing her thoughts and so I think that she would think 'yesterday' - as you point out if it were first-person. I think that what I shall do is italicise them, as if it is her direct thoughts (which they are). A subtle re-write might get what I want to achieve across better.

Yes, his fan club, his ready-made, father bought, fan club. It might rub anyone up the wrong way, but someone who is looking for reasons to dislike him ...

I put the Malfoy Scholarship in for a few reasons. There are some obvious ones: it does say something about the character of Draco, for instance. But also I needed to give Scorpius something that would balance out all of the 'Weasley Clan' that Rose has to fall back upon. The story needed some balance there. Also it allows Dawn some financial independence that she wouldn't otherwise have, given the background I want to establish for her. JKR explored the relation between two friends, one of whom had money and one of whom had little. She did so well and ably and I did not want to repeat what she had done, neither was I interested in exploring it either.

You know I wondered about the inclusion of those sentences. I still don't know if I should have or not. It does break the 'in-the-present' style of the narrative that I have been using. Your words are making me doubt its inclusion even more. I shall have to think about it.

Albus's house situation is a bit of an experiment, I will definitely give you that. I think that it's worth it from what it says about his character and from some of the plot lines that it can engender. I don't necessarily think that it should happen, but it works for my story, and in some real respects that's all that matters. The way I've seen him written, he could belong in any house; that was the jumping off point for me and got me thinking, 'if he could be in any, wh not put him in all...'

As to you not seeing any Slytherin in him, half the stories that I read where he's placed in Slytherin only, I don't see the Slytherin in him. Being Slytherin I believe is not an obvious set of traits, I think that they will come to the fore the longer you know the person. Unless of course you take the 'all Slytherins are evil or stuck-up purebloods or thugs' that is almost de rigueur for the members of that house in the JKR books. I am really taking a leaf from your book about how Slytherins think and act - you really explain and show it so well in the character of your Scorpius. The thing about them being results driven and not rushing into things, thinking before they act. Pondering the ramifications of their actions before committing themselves to some path that has no recourse. All of that sort of stuff. So as to Albus, I am taking the tack that we will see more of his Slytherin side in his sly and subtle sense of humour.

There is one thing that concerned me about this review. Even though it comprises most of the chapter, you didn't mention what happened with the House-elves at all. I was sad for some reason after I read this review and I wondered why. When I analysed my feelings I realised that it was the lack of discussion of the House-elf stuff. Did you not mention it because you didn't like it? I hope not because the House-elves do feature quite a bit more, especially in this first year.

Thank you for the review, I didn't mean to finish on such a downer - I really did appreciate and enjoy it. All of the stuff that you are seeing of the characters of the main two protagonist is fairly spot on. The only things that you are not getting are things that I haven't really revealed as of yet. As of this response the story as a whole has had 5467 reads and this chapter has had 305, thank you all.


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