humdinger pizza yum yumAuthor's Response: Yet again a thoughtful and interesting however incoherent response to my chapter, I am every grateful for your constant appreciation for my writing and are thoughtful enough to suggest some ways to optimize my writing style. As you have said, pizza is clearly and very important part of sentence structure especially when it is written so randomly in the middle of sentences with seemingly no reference to anything else in the story and without making sense in the sentence. Thank you again for your kind sentiments and I hope that I can update soon just so that I can see what helpful advice you have for me next.
Beth Report Review
hahahahahahahah duckAuthor's Response: I accept your point dearest Livi and have decided that yes it would be a good idea for the story to contain more ducks as they are -without a doubt- the most amazing animals ever, especially when they are rubber and glow in the dark. Despite the incoherency of your review, I have decided to take you opinion into account and use your thoughtful comments to improve future chapters of this story. Thank you for your interesting perspective on my writing, it will be nice to see what you think of the next chapter!
First off, THANK YOU. THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU. Weather for Ducks AND Don't Panic in the same week? And in the middle of exams? You just made a really miserable day amazing!!
I knew it! I knew from the very start that there was some mysterious connection between Rose and Mary-Sue and I was right all along and noweverythingsgoingtobeallexciting!!
Aah, I can't wait!! (and I now officially ship Rose/Lettuce Author's Response: two updates = the most EPIC sort of procrastination for studying (I am neverrr going to have a levels ever). rose/lettuce? oh...dear...now /that/ would make for crackfic indeed.
thanks for reviewing! ♥ Report Review
How can you do this to me? Lettuce AND Rose??? How are my poor nerves ever going to deal with the excitement? Poor Rose will have to be scuttling after Lettuce, picking up all his sequins, and untangling them from Mr Andrew Socks fur! Oh please say their visits overlap!! The chaos that would ensue, oh, what laughter, what awkwardness, what fluff, what puns!
(By the way, if you don't write a sequel-to-the-sequel in which Lucy and Scorpius become pirates before becoming stranded in Wales with only a cuddly Loch Ness monster, some tartan underwear and a toaster then I shall have to call my lawyer :P)
Amazing chapter, if you hadn't realised!Author's Response: tying up ALL the loose ends! and, oh yes, their visits overlap for reasons of zombiepocalypse (lucy and scorp would never survive on their own, would they?)
tempting, tempting...as much as I would love to write a pirate AU featuring tartan knickers and wee loch ness monsters, I think I have too much life to be dealing with to think about that. but your proposition made me chuckle ;D
thanks for the review! ♥ Report Review
My mind just got blown. I'm really sad now, that was so perfect!Author's Response: Thank you so, so much!!! You have officially made my day! Report Review
Hi! Review battle!
First off, I loved this idea as an introduction, going shopping is always a good, solid way to start a story because it shows so much about your characters personalities and introduces them without that horrible 'Hello, this is Mary and she likes to dance' factor.
I like the familiarity of the situation and the playful, happy, upbeat way you write it, it's a very useful skill to have to be able to lull the reader into a false sense of security because then when the plot starts coming in, it's more of a shock and makes it all the more gripping. And actually, it's a technique that JKR uses lots, so it's very appropriate for HPFF!
The only criticism that I can make is that I felt the letter was a bit clumsy. I don't really hate it, and it's perfectly fine, and I understand your note about the new headmistress, but I think it would have been a little more concise, the sentences would have been shorter and more to the point. You know, there are a couple of points where you could have used four words instead of six, and that kind of thing.
However, overall, I loved this chapter and can't wait to see what's going to happen next!
-Livi xAuthor's Response: Did you? I always thought that the shopping thing was a bit cliche, but I see your point about it showing the character's personalities really well. Compared to JKR, too? You flatter me way too much.
I see your point, though, about the letter, I'm never very good about official things like that, I'll have to rewrite it soon, taking your advice into account, of course. All in all, thanks for the review, constructive criticism is always, always appreciated, especially with me and my stories, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!
-Linn x Report Review
First off, what an idea!! I've never come across anything like this before and I love it so much! Though this first chapter is a little gruesome (though I actually think it's necessary because you needed to highlight how terrible the disease is) I think this could be a very very interesting story.
I'm incredibly impressed that you have had the courage to defy cliche and put a Weasley Potter in Hufflepuff, because it's not very often you find someone doing that!
There were a few errors but Ive glanced down your reviews and I think others have pointed out all the ones that I spotted.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed it!
Livi xAuthor's Response: I'm glad you like it :) Unfortunately this story has been Abandoned, though I may go back to it eventually. The feedback is still much appreciated though!
I'm a bit confused though, because I did not put any of the Weasley-Potters in Hufflepuff. And you are the second person to say this! Are you getting Lucy mixed up with Lily? If I remember correctly James is in Gryffindor, Albus is in Slytherin, and Lily is in Ravenclaw. The only one mentioned to be in Hufflepuff is Lucy, Percy's daughter. I wonder why people keep making this mistake!
Once again, thank you for the lovely review!
Bri, xx Report Review
Hey, here for review battle!
First off, I adore this idea, we very very (and I mean very) rarely get to see Harry and Ron at work as Aurirs, when the focus is specifically on their job rather than their interaction with the people around them, so well done for coming up with something so original! I also love the way youve written this; it really pulls you in and keeps you reading. A wizarding whodunnit, I live it!!!
I just have one little problem with the first paragraph.
'At 6’5”, Alistair Stott could be an intimidating man - when he wanted to be, but, with his feet casually resting on his desk (his black shoes stuck out against the white parchment beneath them) he looked as friendly as he really was - one of the nicest people Harry had the pleasure of meeting at the Ministry in his six months there.'
Personally, I think this sentence is too long. I think you should take out hyphens and brackets and replace them with full stops and commas. Maybe get a beta to help you with things like that?
Otherwise, live it!!
-Livi xAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review!
I'll admit, I felt that someone needed to write something with the two of them on the job, but I'm glad you like the idea. Overall, I often struggle with writing interaction, I'm just playing to my strengths.
I keep noticing my over-reliance on long scentences I'm writing, I think its just the I like to make this complex, but this is definitely in need of an edit, and i shall sort this ASAP.
Thanks again for the review! Report Review
Hi! Here for the review battle!
First off, what a first sentence! I'll use that in the future; tell the reader that the hero is going to die and they'll be straight in!!!
First nit picky thing:
'Sitting on his knees and leaning halfway across the table, he stretched with his spoon to dip it into the golden bowl that had somehow made its home right next to the happily slobbering two-year-old'
I think this sentence is too long. Maybe it would read better if the sentence went something like:
'Sitting on his knees and leaning halfway across the table, he stretched with his spoon to dip it into the golden bowl (which had somehow made its home right next to the happily slobbering two-year-old).'
The brackets just break it up a bit more without changing the meaning, I think.
This is the other little thing that I spotted:
“Bill!” His mother’s voice crashed through the silence. He looked up to see his mother slowly advancing on him, hindered only a little by her pregnant belly, anger clear in her brown eyes.'
I don't think Diagon Alley is ever silent, and you've already said that Florean and Molly are talking not far away. Also, you repeat 'his mother' twice, so maybe it should say something along the lines of:
'“Bill!” His mother’s voice crashed through the air. He looked up to see Mrs Weasley slowly advancing on him, hindered only a little by her pregnant belly, anger clear in her brown eyes.'
That's just my opinion of course!
Other than those little things, I love this story, the quality of the writing in general is really really good and your characters are so vivid and interesting and believeable, and I cannot wait to see where your are going to take this. It's wonderful because there aren't very many stories about the Weasley family before Ron and Ginny came along and especially ones that focus on Bill. I also can't wait to read more about Charlie, because I feel he's a little underloved because of his lack of romantic inclinations. Well done! A great start!Author's Response: Ok, I must admit that I was in a bit of a rush when I wrote this and I have a lot more typos than I normally do which you didn't even mention! I'll take a look at what you pointed out above but just so you know on silence point, the crashing of the bowl created that silence. Like you know in the middle of a cafeteria and some kid drops his tray? Everyone's attention is riveted to him.
I definitely plan on including all the rest of the family and possibly writing their own stories as well!
Thanks for this review! Report Review
Hi! Review battle!
One grammar-y thing (I'm very pernickity about things like this!)
'I woke up with a start, springing up in bed breathing heavily. I hate my dreams; they always make me scared that my father will come back even though I know he can’t find me.'
I think this ought to have a comma in between the 'back' and the 'even', because I think it would read better. That's just a little stupid thing though.
The other little point I picked up on was that Matilda lives in Australia, but she's off to Hogwarts. I know that it's necessary, just maybe you could give a reason for her not going to a nearer magic school.
Otherwise, I really liked this chapter. Your main character is very very vivid and I think her interactions with other characters could be fascinating, and you've definitely got me hooked!
-Livi x Report Review
Wow Annon. Oh my god, this is just...I know what you mean when you said it was scary. It was, it was really terrifying. It was just horrible, every last sentence, absolutely awful, and I hated it. But I thought it was so so good.
The standard of your writing is just getting higher and higher, I don't ever know how on earth I'm ever going to keep up with you. You have so much talent, I just couldn't fault it. And I'm not just saying that.
I hated it. But it was just so good.
Livi xAuthor's Response: Ahhh Livi thanks so much for this review :). It means so much that you don't think this is too weird or muddled or... strange. I sort of hate it too, and I'm definitely scared of the fact that I wrote it! But I love it, it's so... different?
oh don't be silly!! You're so much more brilliant and talented than me :P I LOVE YOU!! (by the way)
Thank you xx Report Review
Yay! I love this chapter!! Mary-Sue is really beginning to deny her unfortunate name!! And I love it! It's getting to the point where some of the ends are beginning to come together and there is plenty of yummy action and I just can't wait for the next chapter!
Is lettuce really coming? Please say I wasn't dreaming that letter! I need Lettuce!! If he doesn't come then... Then I'll...I'll hit Mr Andrew (my iPod thinks he's called Andrea) Socks round the head, with Scorpius... I mean... I'll hit Scorpius round the... oh whatever!
Anyway! I love it! So so so so much!Author's Response: she's only human, you know...just, a bit prettier and more talented than all other humans~ lolol. she is a lot of fun to write. I bet she was even in her own house at Hogwarts and all, called sparklypuff or something.
LETTUCE REALLY IS COMING. (that's not a phrase I'll get to say much in my life).
(sudden mental images of you throwing hipsters at a kitten)
thank you so much! really glad you liked it and thank you for reviewing ♥ Report Review
Hi! I'm here for the review battle (returning the favour!)
First off, this was amazing! Just really honestly good writing. It's just so hard to find something that's just excellent and very honest, so I'm really glad I stumbled (sort of) across your page!
First off, I'm going to be nitpicky. I know Britishisms are a pain (us Britons just have to make things complicated!), but 'Mom' should really be 'Mum'. Then 'brown hair, brown eyed girl' should be 'brown haired' and ' torment our mind' should be 'torment our minds'. Another little grammar-y thing is 'We’re mentally and emotionally dealing with the war still.' I think that sentence should read 'We’re still mentally and emotionally dealing with the war.' I just think it flows better.
Otherwise, I think this is wonderful. As I think some other people have probably said, we're getting a feel for Astoria without being told anything. You're leaving us hanging a bit, which works really well, but you don't leave her a total mystery, and she isn't just acting as a tool to tell the story through, she appears to actually be a character who we want to get to know.
Overall, I think this is a really good place to start and I can see this evolving into a very interesting story!
Livi xAuthor's Response: Hello! Sorry I'm slow to respond to this...life is pretty busy at the moment.
But, I'm really glad you enjoyed the start of this story. I spend a great deal of time pouring over the details of this first chapter to ensure it set the stage to the rest of the story. I wanted it to be honest and I wanted people to be able to feel, or at least understand, the emotions and situation to the best of my knowledge of it.
As for those edits? I will defintely take a look at those! I'm not a Brit, so I really appreciate little bits of advice on the Britishism. It helps me learn little bits and pieces of what to do to make it more 'British', so to say. And I adore nitpicking, so no worries. It helps with small things I don't catch when editing!
And my intention was definitely to leave people hanging. The prologue takes place after the rest of the story pretty much, so I wanted to interest people and draw them in while giving them a reason to come back. I also left people hanging because it was the emotion I wanted to leave behind...I wanted people on edge and sort of lost, because that's what war does to people.
Thanks so much for the lovely review! It really made my day! And I apologize for my long-ish reply ;)
~Grimmerz Report Review
Hi! I'm here for the BvB review battle!
I must say, I've never been a fan of stories about Voldemort's kids, but you interpret the idea in a very interesting way and I lthink the way you characterise your Tom Riddle III is quite realistic.
Two things to improve on:
One's just grammatical; make sure you don't repeat words twice in the same sentence. In the second sentence, you refer to the metal chair twice, and I notice that Crouch 'commands' Riddle twice in the same paragrah.
The second is dialogue, it's mostly all good but there are little bits that you could improve on. Try reading it allowed and deciding whether you would actually hear someone say that.
Overall it was a great effort though, and a really gripping start to what I'm sure is a wonderful story!Author's Response: Thanks for the reviewe I'll try and go over it and fix the little grammar mishaps :) Report Review
Oh Annon, you're delectable!
I already love Molly! So very...Molly-ish! And Melma, she's hilarious, entirely hilarious, and so very familiar, yet you manage to keep her on the right side of stereotypical. Love it!
I adore the suggestion of the romance between Abe and Bella, just don't do it, I like it like this! Of course, it's your story though, so do with it what you will!
Great ending, dun dun dun! What do the Death Eater's want with Bella, and her pub, and what about Garett Brandon? I'm intrigued, I love the blend of plot and fluff, it's so entertaining and yet so gripping! Perfect!
Livi xxAuthor's Response: LIVI! Hi! You are such a superstar/hero right now. Sorry about such a late reply (you know how busy I am with all the sailing at the moment...) Well, wow. I'm so amazed you like this chapter so much because I am planning major edits, even before I send it to my (awesome) beta. So thank you a billion-zillion times!
Love you too.
x Report Review
First things first, that was some beautiful metaphor! The recurring ship one was quite fabulous. I'm having an obsession with rhythm at the moment and that was the very incarnation of rhythm, it had a lovely flow! One little point to improve on, you don't have to stick in extra words if they don't sound right in your head, the reader will almost definitely know what you're talking about anyway. For example,
'She was his only harbour in the sea of darkness.'
This is a beautiful line, but you don''t need 'of darkness' at the end. 'She was his only harbour in the sea' is so much better, and you don't have to worry about the reader not knowing that it's a metaphor, because the paragraph it's written in explains everything. Hope you understand that.
I love seeing Regulus married, really original, to thumbs up to you there!
Overall, this is a brilliant start and I think you could do a lot with it, keep it up, keep working and improving and don't lose confidence, it's looking great!Author's Response: Thank you. I'm over the moon that you liked the story. I was thinking a lot about rhythm when writing the story, so it's great that you noticed.
Thank you for the advice. I will look out for that. Regulus deserves some happiness too. Don't worry I have a lot of confidence, I won't lose it. Thank you. Report Review
Wow! That was beautifully written! You're writing is very melodic and flowing and very realistic too. the emotions are very raw and believable, and I think that's always important when your writing things like this because it makes it so much easier to connect with the characters if you can see and understand their feelings. The loss of Geraldine's mother is very well written, and you spin the words together excellently on those couple of paragraphs. There's definitely enough material here to warrant a longer story but I also think you could cut it off here if that's what you want. Overall, it's just a really lovely piece of writing and you've done a great job on it!Author's Response: Aww, I'm glad you liked it! I like to think that that's one of my strong points, writing about the emotions, so it's always nice to hear they're working so well!
Yeah, that's what I meant to do. I have a plunny for what happens after this, but I'm not sure if I'll ever write it. We'll have to wait and see d:
Thanks for the lovely review! Report Review
That was gorgeous, it really really was. You write grief really beautifully, the entire story has a kind of melodic feel that sounds almost like a song or poem in my head and creates a wonderful effect, which sort of rises and falls with the images that you're creating. It's lovely, honestly!
The only improvement you could make might be to make the nice Slytherin with evil death eater family thing a little less prominent, it's not the worst cliche in the world but it doesn't really do much for the plot or characters.
Otherwise, I adored it!!Author's Response: I do love cliches ;) Haha, they always slip in my stories haha =D
But anyway thank you so much for the lovely review!
It has totally made my day! I always get so happy when people tell me I write beautifully or amazing because I don't think I do but if someone else does who am I too complain? ;)
Thanks so much again!
~BlameItOnTheNargles Report Review
Oooh, I'm feeling the tension! Ah you going to tell us about Rosmerta's father's death? I want to know! or do we have to wait, in which case I'll sulk! Maybe cut down on the poetic stuff? I mean, I adored the bit about the fire, but maybe it was a little unnecessary? I don't know, it could have enormous significance for all I know. It's your story after all!
Garett Brandon...hmm, he sounds suspicious...you really don't like him, do you? And what's going on with Aberforth "You confuse me." what's that all about?? I'm intrigued!
Gorgeous darling! Can't wait to see you on Monday. It's only been a day but it feels like I haven't seen you in forever!Author's Response: You're such an awesome reviewer it sound slike you just jot down everything in your head! And that makes it seem more real and genuine and such :) So thank you for this review!!
Oho! Aberforth! I love him :D
I MISS YOU TOO D: xxx Report Review
Oh Annon. On Annony-Annony-Annon! I haven't been closer to wetting myself since Roffey found out what defenestration was! I don't even know what's funny about it!
I think it was Johnny asking his Grandad why he isn't dead, I might try that on my Grandad sometime! I think he'd have a fit!!! And Melma! Oh the silliness! And Hagrid! How on earth do you get him so in character? I love it!
But so beautifully written, the way the words flowed together was so obscenely perfect!! Don't you ever doubt how good a writer you are Annon, this is serious talent!
Love you lots,
Livi xAuthor's Response: Livi! AH, I love you soo much :hearty thing:
You really think it was good? That means so much to me. And I know it's just fanfiction, and I know I should probably write OF more but this makes me happy :)
Love you MORE
xx Report Review
You know, this is why you're my best friend. Because of the weirdness. And the crazy autobiographies. And the socks. So totally wonderfully magically totally awesomely COOL!! xAuthor's Response: DANCING DUCKS! Livi! Haven't seen you around in aaages! x Thanks for the awesome reviewy thing! x Report Review
Oh gosh, this is really gorgeous! Really, really gorgeous! I just love the originality of it all, it's entirely delectable! I could almost gobble this whole story up whole and munch it down! The emotions that you pour out into this story are so heartfelt and raw that they brought tears to my eyes. There are so many people (including me) who can relate to this sort of feeling. The feeling of being invisible to the one person who lights up your life. I love the un cliche-ness of it all!
Beautiful! I can't find a bad word to say!Author's Response: Eee, thank you!!! This review made me smile, and I definitely laughed out loud at your gobbling it up comment! :-D I'm so happy you liked it! And I'm especially happy that you found it original, as I really was trying to write a story that isn't common, so yay! I'm sorry about the tears, but I'm so flattered that the story touched you on such an emotional level, and I too can relate to the feeling, which is exactly why I wrote it! haha
Seriously, this is such a kind review! Its completely made my day, so thank you so much for taking the time to leave it! *hugs* Report Review
Hi, I'm back again for the BvB review battle, in other words, just another excuse to read a ton of fanfiction!
Firstly, I think you've got off to an excellent start in this chapter and I adore your main character, she's so easy to connect with, and is not in the least Mary-Sue-ish. I love her curiosity, it's just such a great quality/flaw (I'm not sure which one it is!) to have in a main character because it makes the story much more interesting and on many occasions, makes it all the more hilarious!
The only thing I would say is that I think you might need to fill us in on what they are running away from, unless of course you are planning to reveal this in later chapters (I may get round to reading the rest and finding out later!)
Just another reminder to keep it real, I love her feeling magic quality but it takes a very skilled writer (which you undoubtedly are) to keep it under control, so just be aware of that. I'm rather a stickler for not taking the super powers overboard!
Overall, great start, I love the characterisation and the idea is amazing! Congratulations!
Livi xAuthor's Response: Hey there! Nice to see you here hanging around my authors page, and I love the review battle - they're always really good fun.
The best flaws could also be good qualities too. They're should be a lot more about what their running away from later on, as that's essentially the premise of the whole story - couldn't give the game away in the first couple of chapters now, could I?
Thank you very much! Yeah, I was pretty anxious about writing a SUPER POWER for that sake. Thank you :)
-AC Report Review
Lovely dear, really lovely. Beautiful idea and I think this has a lot of potential, so keep scribbling away at it! The stye really suits you and I think you write much better tragically, though a few little moments of your customary hilarity would lighten the mood and keep it realistic. Just remember not to overdo the whining (unless of course that is the desired effect!) and keep up the good work.
Livi xAuthor's Response: A whingy misery-guts! That's how I'm trying to portray Lily. COmplaining about her life, not happy with anything, even complaining about the fact that she's popular and considered perfect.
Glad you think it suits me! I love it!
x Report Review
Hi, I'm here for the BvB review battle (Go Team Blue!)
Firstly, I really love your choice of main character, it isn't often that you see stories about Molly and Lucy and I love the way you portray the two of them.
You've captured the transition from childhood to adulthood really well. You've got the emotion and the awkwardness really well balanced and I think that it really captures how teenagers think.
I would recommend keeping the fuss about the boyfriends under control, remember, she's likely to have a lot more on her mind at this age than just getting a boyfriend.
Really good start though, congratulations!!
Livi xAuthor's Response: Thanks! I really wanted to pick one of the more unusual Next Gen-ers and Molly is so underappreciated I really felt that I just had to :)
This story is supposed to be all about growing up, so I'm glad you think I managed that wel! Thanks very much :D
-AC Report Review
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