Reading Reviews From Member: academica
  
1,175 Reviews Found

Review #26, by academicaHoping for A Heartbeat : Prologue

6th February 2014:
Hello, I'm here from Review Tag!

It's clear that this is a really personal story for you and I applaud you for using your writing to work out what must be some complicated and painful emotions. I also use writing to work out my worries from time to time.

One thing I notice right off the bat is the big spaces between paragraphs. You can avoid having that by using the Simple Editor. In fact, I'd recommend editing this chapter with the Simple Editor and getting rid of them because they are a bit distracting.

I really liked the way you told the story of Ginny and Harry falling in love. It was sweet to look back on all the little moments they shared together while they were growing up at Hogwarts. I haven't read a lot of stories that tell this tale from Ginny's perspective and I found her feelings and experiences very relatable.

I did notice some typos that a beta could probably help you fix, and I'm not sure why you chose to italicize certain places in the story. Also, I'm a bit unsure about the switch in narrator at the end--why not just have Ginny tell the story and avoid switching to third person?

Really interesting start, though. I sense you've brought us right up to the beginning of a really difficult journey for poor Harry and Ginny, and I'll be curious to see what happens next.

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hello Amanda,
Thank you for coming by to read my story :D
I thank you for your CC and your sweet review. While it is kind of reflecting my personal feelings on it this story will be all their's. :)
I will defidently go back and use the Simple Editor, I get so aggravated because it does that to me almost every time and I just decide to leave it the way it is and give up. :) I also am going to add more detail to the story's prologue and fix little tid-bits of it. :) Thanks so much once again, and I hope we speak again eventually! See you around the forums! :D
-Lindsey


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Review #27, by academicaThe Second Act: Intermission

5th February 2014:
Hello, here with your requested review :)

Wow, I really loved this chapter. I just totally ate it up. The story you've woven is incredibly realistic, beautifully detailed, and answered all the questions that cropped up for me in the first chapter.

I have to confess that I assumed Victoire was young when she married Dennis in chapter one, so it really surprised me for her to be depicted as an older woman and widow in this chapter. I don't know that I've ever read a story with her at this age--or any of the other next gen kids--and I really liked it. The pacing of her relationship with Dennis was played out nicely and, again, seems realistic based on their respective ages.

As I mentioned earlier, I adored all the little details you included, especially the notes about M.O.O.N.Y. and Victoire's process in writing the book. What a creative way to link her to so many influential people in the wizarding world, and it was so nice to see her rediscover a sense of purpose in the wake of her beloved husband's death. I'm sure it was a healing process for her to document the bravery and heroism of others. It was especially nice to see the treatment of prominent Slytherins in Victoire's account, as it shows her book isn't going to be too biased.

As a psychologist-in-training, I think you did a nice job portraying grief here as well. I loved how you showed the different reactions of the children, and again, your attention to detail served you well (e.g., Charlotte's paintings). Even your simple descriptions of Victoire's emotion following Teddy's death rang true with my own experiences and those observed in others.

The flow is really well executed here; I think you did great with moving from event to event and incorporating the entrances of different characters. The whole thing has a light, romantic feel to it despite the dark subject matter.

I don't know what else to say except that I'm inspired by your creativity and I'm excited to see what the third chapter brings, and how Victoire will reconcile her new marriage with the husband she was forced to give up unexpectedly. Thanks for requesting, and I hope this is helpful!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Thanks for such a lovely review! I keep rereading it and it makes me smile.

Writing from an older witch's perspective was a little bit of a struggle for me... but I'd like to think I'm doing a fair job with it. I've also never written that far into the future.

I really wanted it to be something other than Dennis that pulled her out of her grief. I just didn't want her entire life to be dependent on another person, you know? I'm all for personal development in the wake of tragedy.

I'm glad you thought I did a nice job with the portrayal of grief and didn't think it was cheesy or misguided.

Yes, this review was so thorough and helpful and thank you so much!!


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Review #28, by academicaGame Over: One

5th February 2014:
Hey Pix, here with your requested review!

I definitely think you captured the intensity of the story. So far, I understand that James is in some sort of dangerous position (spy, maybe?) and the new identity that's been lent to him is now comprised because some girl recognizes him (I'm guessing as her dead boyfriend or brother or something.) I think that intensity pushes the reader to want to go to the next chapter and keep going, which is great and definitely a benefit of keeping the chapters short.

Clarity, I think, is a bit weaker. Everything happened so fast and I think I was a bit too hung up on trying to figure out what happened to him previously to appreciate the present events. Then again, this is classified as a mystery, so perhaps you meant for things to move quickly and not be totally clear and logical from the start. I almost don't feel like it's fair to discuss clarity based on only one chapter, but you're the author, so only you know how the chapter should be.

That said, I don't think you cut too much detail. You have to strike a good balance between detail and action in a story with a pace like this one, and I think you executed that balance very well.

One little technical note--I believe 'Riddikulus' is spelled with a 'k', not a 'c'.

Nice start! Hope my review is helpful to you :)

-Amanda

Author's Response:

Hey there!

Okay, so intensity is a check. That's good. They way you describe what happened is the way I meant it to be seen, so that's a check too. I guess I can't really ask for more feedback than that. What I had meant by "clarity" is to make sure that the events were clear enough to follow, since this was written in one of those whirlwind type of "everything happens so quickly" type of plots. I wasn't expecting anyone to pick up on the whys and hows and what came before, because there just aren't enough words to do all that.

That probably means that I won't have enough words to explore all of those things either. Hmm... I guess I'll do what I can and focus on the main action.

I'm really glad you felt the balance of detail and action was good. Thanks for the feedback! It was very helpful, as always!

Pix


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Review #29, by academicaRational Creatures: Nobody's Distraction

5th February 2014:
Hello, here with your requested review!

I have to admit, I was a little sad when I realized this was a one-shot and not a short story, because I just wanted to read more of your Bellatrix and her intriguing relationship with Voldemort. Bellatrix, in particular, was really great because of the multiple layers I see in her characterization. She wants Voldemort to love her, and yet she chooses not to fall into the simple position of being a romantic companion for him, a "distraction." She wants him to love her as she is, as a powerful witch worthy of respect. She's quite inspiring, despite her dark leanings. It kind of makes me reflect on how feminism might appear in the wizarding world--are there some witches who retain only the basic household spells, and are they looked at differently than other witches with more complicated careers?

Voldemort was very well-characterized, too. I think it's very realistic that he wouldn't be interested in recruiting women, and again I can't help but muse about why I have that impression. I like how you dealt head-on with the question of why women were few and far between in his ranks. I also like how they have a mutual understanding about his thin apology and the tenuous relationship they've begun in this pivotal moment.

None of the dialogue and action seemed awkward or out of place to me. In fact, I'm impressed by your ability to integrate the quote so that the speaking style doesn't change. I might not have even picked it out had you not bolded the text.

I don't really feel comfortable addressing your last question; I think that's better left up to a validator's judgment. I will say that, at least in my view, it's better to risk having a slightly too-high rating than to err on the other side.

Nice work! Thanks for requesting, and good luck with the challenge, if it hasn't yet concluded. As always, I hope my review is helpful to you.

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hello! I've been an awful person and I haven't responded to your review until now. Someone should put me in jail for being a bad author. :(

But anyways, thanks for this brilliant review that you left me almost a month ago! I hope that my late response won't deter you from reviewing me again in the future! :)

Aww, no! I didn't mean to make you sad! I've found that one-shots are kind of my forte in fanfiction, and showing Bellatrix and Voldemort in just one scene of their complex lives seemed to be enough for me. :) In the books, Bellatrix is a crazed follower, and she's so far gone that she is blinded by Voldemort, no matter what he does. I wanted to imagine a Bellatrix pre-Azkaban, a girl aspiring to be great, even though her family tradition dictated that she should simply be a mother. I'm glad that you found her inspiring--to me, she's a woman in a man's world, but she definitely beats the men any day!

Voldemort is a terrible human/thing/creation/whater-he-is, no matter how you slice it. He's out for the blood of Muggles and Muggleborns, so I thought that his view of women would probably be along parallel lines, i.e., women were meant to stay at home and not get in the way. Once she meets him, Bellatrix realizes what a bigoted person he is, so she's able to see right through his "apology." :)

Thank you so, so, so much!! I do a lot of quote integrating for essays and things (English major life-I'm living it!), so incorporating the quote for the challenge was fun to puzzle through!

...Yeah, that last question... I'm sorry I asked that because it was a bit silly. Better safe than sorry, 'tis true, and there's a first time for everything--this was my first story marked "Mature." I guess there's no turning back from here! :)

Thank you so very much for this lovely review!! :D

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #30, by academicaEvil Will Prevail: The hooded figure

5th February 2014:
Ooh, this looks interesting. And your new banner is gorgeous because Ande, obviously. By the way, I'm here for the BvB review battle :)

You've got an intriguing start here. I liked how you focused on Draco's weaknesses in this moment, the way in which he really could never have measured up to the demands of being a Death Eater. It's sad but realistic to see the way Bellatrix and Voldemort treated him even after he'd devoted himself entirely to their cause.

I'm curious about this hooded woman as well... from the banner, I want to say it's Hermione, but if so, she's basically done a complete 180 from her canon characterization. I'll be curious to see her identity revealed in the chapters to come.

Nice work, and good luck with the challenge!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Ande is awesome. :)

Yay. I'm so glad you're intrigued!
I hope you'll keep reading.

~Erin


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Review #31, by academicaEverto Trucido: The Trial

1st February 2014:
Hey, here from Review Tag!

This is an intriguing start to the story. I like the idea of bringing back the dead and allowing their memories to piece together a story. I thought you did a nice job of interspersing the dialogue with the action, and I also liked the gentle way you described each character's entrance and Grace's behavior in front of Shacklebolt. You included a lot of good detail as well.

I'm curious about who is on trial here and how Grace's testimony will help free them. I also have to wonder about the negative cloud that seemed to surround the entrance of Atrum Unus. Guess I'll have to come back and read more later!

Great start :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hey there!

Thanks so much! This is one of the chapters that has been subject to a ton of editing and changing in order to make the information dump less confusing. I'm happy to see that it may have worked ;)!

-Rumpel


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Review #32, by academicaBeneath: numb

1st February 2014:
Hello, stopping by from Review Tag :)

Kudos on taking on some serious themes in this story. I'm a therapist and I always love to see people try to explore the complex notion of mental illness and explore how different characters might react to those sort of struggles. I obviously find this subject matter very interesting but I don't run across very much of it on the archive, so this is a bit of a treat.

I really like your characterization for Rainne. She acts a lot like the teenagers I worked with when I was in an inpatient setting and it's interesting for me because I can understand both where she's coming from and where her doctor is coming from. I loved the bit of imagery you included with the contrast between the bracelets and her scar. It's quite sad to think about.

At least Lily wants to include her. I assume James and Lily are on decent terms at this point?

I also liked the little details you included, like how her parents wouldn't have died if they were magical because they wouldn't have needed to use a car. It's sad how Rainne has simplified those circumstances and used them to fuel her hatred of who she really is. I really pity her.

Nice work! Hope to come back and read more soon.

-Amanda

Author's Response: Thank you so much! It's so interesting to hear a therapist's opinion on my story - kind of intimidating, really! I hope you don't think anything is too far fetched, I've never had to deal with anything like her so I can never know if it's realistic enough.
Wow, you are giving me so much more credit than I deserve, really!
I can't wait to hear what else you think, I'm so intrigued by your unique point of view :)


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Review #33, by academicaMottled Blue: One body.

1st February 2014:
Hey Kiana, I decided to come check out your new story! I love the title, and the description sounds very intriguing.

I really liked the beginning part of this. Getting into the mind of the murderer was very creepy. It seems like you maybe did some research on serial killers in your development of this story; is that true? Anyway, I loved your description and the way the killer thought about Rose and how this act would impact his own life. I guess I'm assuming it's a "him." The detached way he talks about her and the mysterious change in his life suggests that maybe this is a stranger, someone who doesn't know Rose. I would think her identity would mean much more if he did know her well. That's just my little analysis :) I kept going back and re-reading that part because it was so interesting and well-written.

Poor Lily :( I definitely think the fact that the case is now personal is going to make her pursue it with a lot of determination and possibly put herself at risk to find the killer. Now I kind of want it to be a stranger and not someone that Lily knows, because that would hurt even more. I'm definitely intrigued to see what her next steps will be in trying to solve this crime.

Very nice start! You really are very talented!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi Amanda, I'm glad that I managed to draw you in, as that means a lot to me!

I'm glad you liked it as it means a lot to me with your experience in psychology. I've always had an interest in murderers and their motives for killing, so I suppose I had built up information over time about them. I really loved your analysis of the murderer, and some of it is correct, though I can't obviously say which bits. It will be fun to see whether your theories change throughout the story or not.

I know, but you are right about it definitely pulling her into the case because when it's your family it almost naturally does that. She does definitely try and solve this as best as she can but that's all you can know!

Thanks for such a great review, and these wonderful compliments Amanda, it meant a lot to me!

-Kiana


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Review #34, by academicaQuelques ans après-A few years later: Chapter 1:Visite inattendue

31st January 2014:
Hello, here from Review Tag!

I like the quirky, sarcastic style here and the general premise of your story. It suggests that something is afoot--something that somehow brought Hermione and Draco together for a united cause and made it so that the idea of being married and having children seemed more palatable to them. (Or are those really their children? Haha.) I'm intrigued to see more of the back story behind this bizarre turn of events.

The only thing I would have liked to see more of in this short first chapter is imagery. Some description would have helped set the scene a bit more and provided some context for the action. If I were you, I'd maybe consider going back and adding some more to flesh out the chapter a bit.

Good start!

-Amanda

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked the style of the story. I probably will get to the back story sometime. The one in my head is quite funny. So...we'll see. Or maybe, I'll add them as flashbacks.

A few other people have also told me to add more imagery into the story. I'm going to take all your advice and 'add flesh' to the story.

Thanks for reviewing and hope you'll keep reading!


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Review #35, by academicaRabbit Heart: Hearts and Minds

31st January 2014:
Gah, looks like I'm not going to completely catch up by the end of the month. Oh, well, this has been fun nonetheless!

It was nice to get a glimpse of things from Albus's point of view in this chapter. Poor chap is so confused by Wren, and I can see how it's been awkward for them to even think about transitioning from friends to something more. I really liked getting a closer peek at his characterization; the little anecdote about Kreacher loading him up with anti-jinxes and all of his little trinkets. I wonder if his honorary aunt Luna had anything to do with that behavior?

I really liked the little moment between Albus and Wren in the robe shop. It was like Albus was a lighthouse for Wren when she was stuck out on a tumultuous ocean. It was nice how he kind of brought her back to center and relieved some of her anxiety about experiencing the same symptoms her great-grandmother had. At the same time, I get the sense that maybe things were resolved a little "too" easily and maybe Wren will experience more of these problems down the line. At least for now she has her attraction to Albus to distract her, right?

I like Albus's last comment--there certainly is a lot of weird in the air! He's getting to be almost as paranoid and as much of an over-thinker as Wren, which is sort of amusing. I kind of just want to stick them in a room together and have them just come out with it, but I know things are never that easy when it comes to teenage romance. The stakes are just too high when the person you love is also your best friend. Hopefully they can resolve it someday.

Nice work on this chapter and the story overall!

-Amanda

Author's Response:
Hey there! You made it for one more this month! Yay!

Yes, Albus is quite overwhelmed with the mere idea of talking to Wren. Though, to his credit, he does give it a shot, and it doesn't turn out as planned. Poor guy!

It's interesting that you picked out the parallels between Albus and Wren, given their paranoia. They both have it, definitely, spurned by different things going on around them. I tried to give Albus his own set of issues apart from Wren, so he wouldn't seem so fixated. I didn't want him to come across as some creepy stalker or anything. ;)

Yes, at least for now, Wren is distracted from her problems. It gives her poor mind a break for a while.

Thanks so much for coming back!

Pix


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Review #36, by academicaThe Gift of Severus Snape: Prologue: A Fateful Decision

26th January 2014:
Hello, stopping by from Review Tag :)

I really like the story that opened this prologue. It definitely piqued my interest for how the girl would be incorporated into the canon plot line. Since your story is focused on Snape, I think maybe he was the descendant of the girl, but maybe it was Lily (and thus Harry) instead.

I really like your characterization here, especially in the case of Harry. It would be hard for me to write this scene knowing how things turned out in canon and how Harry's mind changed so fast about Snape. But you were obviously able to keep that separated out and maintain the logical trajectory of how things would have gone if Harry hadn't found out about Snape's love for his mother. That's really great to see played out.

I'm curious about how Harry's feelings will change - or perhaps not - in the next chapter, so I hope to stop by again and read on in the future.

Nice work!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Thanks! We won't see much of Harry in this story, though he'll have a cameo in the next chapter. It's going to take them both a while to recover, and I thought it best that they do it separately at the start. Though they do finally talk in my second story- "Two Steps Forward." I just think they both need time to put themselves together and their relationship is too strife to
have them together so early.

As for the wand, we meet that owner in the next chapter as well. She will be the key to his recovery.


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Review #37, by academicaRabbit Heart: Cold Toes, Warm Heart

26th January 2014:
Hello, back again :)

I really like the way you write Wren's interactions with Bunny. I can really see the little girl in her come out, despite the fact that she tries to push forward and not let on in public about how much hurt she still feels. It's great that she finally has an animal she can keep, bond with and love rather than one that must eventually be returned to the wild.

How nice that Wren's friends wanted her to have a proper birthday party! It's too bad that the move and her family's stress has interrupted her ability to celebrate her birthday at home, but it's clear that she has lots of support if she'll only take advantage of it. It makes me sad that Wren panicked when Albus got too close to her, but I liked the bit of tenderness between them. They're great as friends and I hope they'll eventually turn into something more.

Great job again on this chapter! The ending was very bittersweet; while I loved the way you had Wren return to the comfort of her beloved pet, it was sad to see her wanting so much to fix everything that's been happening and feeling unable to do it. This chapter was just really nice for character development and emotion.

Maybe I can squeeze in one more before February...

-Amanda

Author's Response:
Wren really loves that little rabbit. She's got a great need for snuggles, and Bunny's very soft, so it's a good fit for the moment. Bunny sort of *needs* someone too.

Wren has great friends. Albus is a great friend too. A little awkward, but still a great friend. I sometimes wonder if my opening chapters are a little too slow for the story, but as you said, there's a lot of character development going on, and I didn't want to rush through all the little things.

Hope you can come back for one more! It's great having you around!

Pix


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Review #38, by academicaHouse of Cards: Two of Spades

24th January 2014:
Hey Laura, here for Review Tag! I've actually wanted to dig in to this story for quite some time, and I'm happy to see you've made so much progress on it!

Very intriguing start. I can't help but be reminded of 'Dexter' with the 'there was no blood' bit. It was interesting how the family members automatically assumed that they were being sequestered because they were murder suspects, and then no mention of such a thing was even made by Pollux; it's like they had a shared guilty conscience. I'm sure there's more to the story than the short conclusion Pollux provided. I also really like how you lent a variety of personalities to the Black family members, all of them being fleshed out a bit more than in canon.

The scene between Pollux and his son was interesting as well. I wonder what the motive could be for moving around such a small amount of money, and who could be behind the changes. There's clearly a lot of suspicion and tension in the air, especially after the recent loss of Andromeda and (I suspect) the soon-to-be-scheduled departure of Sirius.

There were a few places where I think you made some punctuation mistakes, but nothing too big. I would recommend maybe reconsidering that first part about the girl in the portrait, though -- you used a lot of commas and it makes the sentence that describes her a bit long and ungainly. Just a suggestion.

Really nice work with this first chapter. I don't have any ideas about what could have happened, but I'm definitely intrigued to find out more!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hey Amanda! I'm so glad to see you stop by - and yeah, it's picked up recently! I finished all the plotting, so all that's left is to write it all out! :)

I'm so happy you like the start - though I've never seen 'Dexter', haha, despite it being recommended to me many times, mostly because there's so much of it to watch! Yeah, they're definitely not innocent in totality; and there's definitely more to the story than Pollux said - or, is there? :P I'm glad you liked the cast - I really tried to make them all different! :)

The will is definitely important, though I can't see how or why, of course ;) It's a big part of the story, and the reasons behind it are definitely relevant. And yeah, Andromeda's recently gone... in the timeframe for this, Sirius is pretty much about to leave, sooner or later. Though whether or not this situation has anything to do with it... *whistles* :D

Thanks so much for mentioning that! I know I'm terrible with punctuation and commas so I'll definitely take a look at that again and double-check things! :)

Thanks so much for the really great review - it was so nice to receive! :)

Laura xx


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Review #39, by academicaDevlin Potter: Riddle and Rescue: The Informant

22nd January 2014:
Hello there, here for our review swap!

Okay, right away I like Devlin. Clearly he's inherited some of his father's brazen nature and determination not to bend in the face of evil. I thought you wrote the torture scene really well and didn't glaze over the sticky parts. Action isn't my forte and I always admire an author who can do it well. I also thought you replicated Tom Riddle's canon personality nicely there.

Harry kind of reminds me of Batman, though that probably sounds weird. He's supposed to be a force for good, but he harbors these dark desires that he has to fight in order to not fall into them. He's very gritty and clearly grown up from the wonder-struck canon hero, which makes him really interesting. I really like flawed Harry. Fortunately, he's got people around to help keep him in line, like Ron and Sirius (yay, Sirius!).

Wow, that memory was incredible. Your detail in describing it really brought up a lot of emotion for me. What a tender moment, and surely so difficult for Harry to share with an enemy.

I'm very curious about Devlin's fate now! Was he enslaved by the Dark Lord as a result of impressing him? Did he escape, perhaps? I really want to see Harry reunited with his son, as I'm sure the loss has taken a terrible toll on the whole family.

Thanks so much for the swap, because otherwise I wouldn't have discovered this wonderful story. I hope I can return soon to read the next chapter.

Nice job! :)

-Amanda

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Review #40, by academicaSticks and Stones: I Don't and Other Wedding Nightmares

22nd January 2014:
Hello, here for our review swap!

Well, you didn't waste any time getting started with the action, did you? I get the sense that Pippa was more delighted by the chance to embarrass Peter than upset by the loss of her fiance, given the way she talked about him being boring right from the start. I kind of have to wonder why she agreed to marry him in the first place.

My only guess as to her job would be something like a spy, like maybe she was given the job of pretending to be his fiance to have his secretive activities exposed publicly. Maybe she works with James and Mason and is just pretending to be meeting them for the first time on her wedding day. I'm definitely curious about what her job could have to do with the plot, though.

This chapter was a bit zany for my taste, unfortunately. Everything happened so fast and with such intensity that I have trouble picturing the audience just sitting and letting it occur. If there would be any way to slow things down a bit and take more time for the details (others' reactions, emotions, etc.), I think that would make it easier to follow this initial chapter.

Good work, and thanks for the swap!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi!

Yeah, it was the more faster of my works. Hehe, I'm glad you picked that up! Especially as I didnt mean for that to happen, but that is actually right!

Haha, I wish it was that interesting! It is a very boring plot! But, hopefully, enough to pull through :)

I think it would be too zany for my taste too! If I was reading it, that is. But, thank you for the sweet review, even if it didnt interest you :) I will work towards controlling the flow better in my future edits :)

Thank u for the fun swap!

-Curie :)


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Review #41, by academicaRabbit Heart: Trusting Hearts

22nd January 2014:
Hey Pix, here for chapter two!

Really nice job again this chapter with showing how Gran is deteriorating after the loss of Frank and Alice. It seems like her suffering is the combined result of her old age and depression. It's so sad to see a witch who was so skilled wither away like that, and yet it's interesting that her magic doesn't seem to have ebbed away at the same rate as her mind. Still, I'm sad for Wren, having to shoulder that particular burden.

Dillon is interesting. There's something sort of creepy and suspicious about him, and I wonder if it has to do with that bright light Wren saw in the last chapter. On the surface, though, he's a cute kid and I like how his presence gave Wren something to focus on besides her own problems.

Maybe there is something even bigger going on, though. The way that policeman acted has me feeling a bit uneasy, and I wonder if Wren was a bit too self-absorbed at the moment to really comprehend his ominous tone. You've set up a lot of intriguing plot lines for the coming chapters.

Nice work once again! Very much enjoying this!

-Amanda

Author's Response:

Chapter two! *dances for joy*

An old, powerful witch like that, I always wondered what happens to magic as a wizard ages. Does it fade away with the deterioration of the body, or does it accumulate within them? We don't have clear answers on that. I know Dumbledore was old, and he was really powerful, so I'm just winging it here. It's an interesting topic to consider, isn't it?

I'm glad the unease of the chapter came through. Dillon is creepy AND suspicious. And yeah, Wren is definitely too into her own issues to see him clearly.

Thanks for coming back to my story!

Pix



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Review #42, by academicaMasks: Talk of Rabbits and Game-ception

22nd January 2014:
Hello there, here for our review swap :)

One thing I would suggest right off the bat is that you start using the Simple Editor, if you aren't already. Doing so means that you have to put in your own bold/italics/centering and so forth, but it also gets rid of those really distracting gaps between paragraphs.

I thought your flow was pretty good for the most part in this chapter. I like how your OC carefully thought through the complex dynamics she observed in those around her, like the animosity between Draco and Ron and the way she didn't need to wear a mask because she was okay with who she really was. That last quality of hers makes her feel more relatable than most OCs.

I would maybe do something different with the outbursts and asides, though; it's kind of distracting to have your OC suddenly lose her temper and break the third wall.

Oh, and I love the idea of Game-Ception! Super creative, and I agree that it sounds a lot of fun.

One last note--you might consider getting a beta to work on this story for you, if you haven't already, because I saw multiple spelling mistakes and punctuation issues. Fixing those errors would make the flow even better, and you really want your opening chapter to impress people because then they want to read on in later chapters :)

Great job! Thanks for the swap!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi Amanda!

I am still really annoyed about the paragraphs (my computer hates formatting nicely) so I am fixing it as you are reading this.

I am glad you like how the character is- my goal was to make her as real as possible. As for the outbursts and asides; I agree something should be done- I just feel like cutting them will cut the character. I also have a habit of breaking the third wall you see...

My computer really was the reason my spelling was all wrong- I am too reliant on spell check. I guess beta hunting would be a good idea considering I am too lazy to keep looking all this over so much. Thanks again Amanda!

XOXOXOXOX,
LLG


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Review #43, by academicaPure Intentions: Red Rose

22nd January 2014:
Hey, here for our review swap :)

I liked the interaction between Albus and Rose. It is curious to me that Scorpius was so quick to bring up the idea of dating her--it was almost like he just saw her and was like, "Hmm, she's a girl. Okay." I would think he'd be a bit choosier in the girl he has to force himself to spend time with; then again, maybe all girls are the same to him since he isn't actually attracted to them. Poor Albus, though. He tried so hard to keep Scorpius but it just wasn't in the cards :(

Augh, what a sad ending to this chapter! I love how relatable your characters' emotions are; it makes it hard for me to choose a side because I think both Albus and Scorpius are suffering and even poor Rose is being played as a fool here. I'm not sure quite what to expect next from this story--will Albus fight for the love of his life? Will Scorpius begin to truly fall for Rose? And given the mention of Cindy--will Albus give dating a girl a try, too? So many questions...

One thing that was missing here that I would have liked to see was Draco and Astoria's reactions to Scorpius dating Rose. I would think it would be a "lesser of two evils" situation, and Draco may not have anticipated his son going after Hermione Granger's daughter. Maybe that's next chapter.

Nice work! Thanks for the swap :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi Amanda!

Uh, well, I do think it was pretty much what you said. He saw a girl that he knows a bit through Albus and went with his first available option. :-/ I don't think he stopped to really consider if she was someone he'd be really happy wtih or how it would impact Albus. Let's face it, he never stops to consider Albus.

I'm glad it wasn't easy to pick sides. I really didn't want to make any of the unredeemable (which I think Scorpius is teetering on the verge of). Cindy will stay just friends but the rest of it will come out in the wash. :D

Draco and Astoria do get more airtime next chapter - and you'll get treated to their lovely reactions to Scorpius' dating choices.

Thank you so much for such a lovley review!! I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far.

-Rose


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Review #44, by academicaThe Worst: Meetings and more.

22nd January 2014:
Hey Angie, here for Review Tag :)

It's been a while since I visited this story, but I fell right into it very naturally all the same. One thing I noticed that's new in this chapter, though, is a really fiery sense of determination from Dominique, which I love. She's clearly taken charge of her own recovery and put her energy into finding the truth behind her attack instead of wallowing in self-pity--despite the fact that everyone would probably accept her choosing to wallow for quite a long time, if she had decided to go in that direction instead. I love how tough she is and she seems like a real survivor and inspiration to other victimized women, which is always refreshing to see.

It's sad to see how desperation drove Wilson to agree to harm Dominique at Delilah's request. I was disappointed not to see any real hint of remorse from you or any sense that he thought through the full consequences of his actions before he went through with the deal. At the same time, it was nice for him to at least offer to let Dominique join his pack in the forest. I have to kind of wonder, given the way in which Teddy talked about him after they left, if a rift could potentially grow between Dominique and her family as she gets more used to her new werewolf identity and feels more compassion for her fellow werewolves. This story really makes me think and this lovely chapter is no exception!

Delilah Jones really makes my blood boil. ARGH! It's downright outrageous for her to still expect Dominique to do her bidding for the paper while knowing inside that she's responsible for the terrible fate that has befallen the poor girl. Again, I'm pleased to see Dominique stand up for herself, and I'm curious about what will be in store for her evil boss in the next chapter...

Lovely work! Maybe you're not confident in this chapter, but I really liked it and I don't think you should sell yourself short. I'm excited to read on later! :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hey Amanda! Thanks for reading and reviewing. As always, your feedback is very valuable to me because you're one of my idols when it comes to writing!

I was pleased that it was easy for you to follow the story despite you reading this chapter after a long time. Yes, Dominique finally got something to put her mind to and thus the determination. Underneath she is still hurting and anxious and scared but she's set her mind to catch her culprit and that is overpowering above anything else =) She is indeed a survivor and though she goes back to brooding a little bit after things mellow down, she has resolved to not just give up.

Wilson is a complex character. He is a very fickle minded person and all he wants is to have a better life. Alcohol and the bite has really taken its toll on him and therefore he barely feels any remorse or thinks his actions through. All he can think about is money and a better life.

As for a rift growing between Teddy and Dominique over this, their relationship is strong that they'll get through it all, but they'll surely have such bumps along the road and we'll see more of that after the issue with Delilah Jones gets resolved.

I am so happy to hear that the story makes you think, especially since your work always makes me think too =)

Delilah Jones is vile, yes. She really doesn't care about Dominique. As for what's in store for her evil boss, you'll just have to read on ;)

I am glad you liked this chapter and I hope you get a chance to read the next chapters too, especially since I just posted Chapter 8 yesterday =)

Thanks!


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Review #45, by academicaCareful What You Wish For: Brothers and Sisters

22nd January 2014:
Hey Courtney, here for Review Tag!

Fun fact - I did not know they had Pop-Tarts in England. But there you go! :)

I like your characterization of the family, particularly Dani, Kat and Bran. They seem very realistic in how they argue back and forth and get on each other's nerves. I liked how the action didn't feel over the top or too dramatic. It had a nice, very "everyday" feel to it.

I also liked how you tied this scene kind of effortlessly into the main series, what with the mention of Harry and the inclusion of Oliver. We don't hear a whole lot about that particular class of students (their year, I mean) and it's cool that you decided to focus your story on them.

I did notice a couple of places where you either forgot punctuation or used the wrong kind, but nothing too noticeable or detrimental to the flow.

Nice work!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hey there!

I believe they do have Pop-Tarts in England, although they are a lot more expensive than in the US, haha.

We know three characters from that particularly year, and I really wanted to write a story which included them all, especially because Oliver and Percy are two of my favourite characters!

Thanks for the review!

Courtney:)


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Review #46, by academicaAtlas Air: Prologue

22nd January 2014:
Hey Marina, here for Review Tag :)

Wow, this is an interesting plot idea! I hope you didn't experience anything like this on your travels :) Just kidding. I'm curious to find out more about Robin and how Teddy and Victoire got themselves into this situation. I want to believe that somehow Teddy will survive his injury, but I'm doubtful of that, unfortunately :( Oh, and I wonder who the man that betrayed them is?

I really liked the imagery you used in this chapter. Obviously description is important in a story about faraway places, especially if you've been there and many of your readers haven't. This line, and the whole paragraph it came from, was particularly effective: Sunburn arrived in cycles when the nearest available cream was perched on a shop shelf some fifty miles away. You did a great job of summing up the harsh realities of Africa in just a few lines.

Great job, and I hope to return sometime soon.

-Amanda

Author's Response: Ah wow, thank you Amanda! Rest easy, I did not experience anything nearly so traumatic! Thank goodness ;)

I'm glad you liked the description. It's hard trying to really capture the reality of somewhere I've been but others may not have and I really wanted it to translate well in writing.

Thank you so much!


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Review #47, by academicaThe Chaos Within: A losing battle

20th January 2014:
Hello, here again for the Review Battle!

Oh, poor Harry and Hermione! I really liked the way you depicted Harry's alcoholism in the first part of the chapter. I thought it was very realistic and you did a great job of incorporating his trauma and giving a reason for his incessant drinking. I also liked Hermione's reaction and the way they ended up really needing each other in that moment. If there was one thing I'd suggest about that section, it's to maybe reconsider using caps so much - it was a bit overpowering to read and I have trouble imagining people screaming that many words, haha. You can use italics for a similarly intense effect.

Glad Ron is trying to get the family to do something besides grieve endlessly. I do feel like his intense outburst came a little out of nowhere, so you might want to go back and provide some context for why he chose this particular moment to really put pressure on his family.

Seeing the awkwardness between Harry and Ginny made me so sad. I guess this is set before they and Ron/Hermione get married? Good to know there hasn't been a nasty divorce or affair or anything. I hope Harry can patch things up with Ginny soon and get himself on the road to recovery - I'm sure having friends stay wit him will help with that. I do think it was a bit weird for him to say "control yourself Potter" to himself; it looked a bit like speech for a moment, and I think he would call himself Harry, not Potter. But that's just my opinion.

Good work!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the great review. :)

I'm glad you thought his alcoholism was realistic. I saw from your description of yourself that you know quite a bit about mental illnesses and the such. So it's really nice to get good feedback from you.

You'll be surprised how much people can shout when they really want to. Believe me, I've had the experience. And the reason I didn't want to use italics there was because I use to distinguish between speech and thoughts.

The setting is immediately after the war. I wanted to fill in the gap between the DH and nineteen years later.

Thanks again!

~Erin




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Review #48, by academicaSix O'clock: Six O'clock

20th January 2014:
Hi, I'm here from Review Tag!

Aww, it's too bad you edited this so it's not SOC anymore. I would have loved to see you attempt it and read the result. Oh well, I understand the desire to edit when you find mistakes :)

I like how you were able to narrate the action minute by minute in this short one-shot. It was also great to see that it had a happy ending. I do think the little part where she thought he was dead came and went a bit abruptly, but I can see how the word count might have affected that, if it was part of the challenge.

I think you need to either go back over this for technical details or have a beta look at it for you. I saw several places where you used a comma instead of a semi-colon and others where you had run-on sentences. Leaving these mistakes in affects the quality and flow of your work, so you might want to go back and have them corrected. I'm sure a Quick Beta could do it for you.

Good work!

-Amanda

Author's Response: I know I had to edit, but I still love this little one-shot, thank you for your review I will certainly have a beta look at it, once I get to the middle of BDITS (which is my main project for now) but hopefully spring break will let me look over my other fics. :)

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Review #49, by academicaPure Intentions: Red Flags

20th January 2014:
Hey there! I stopped by from Review Tag, but someone got here before me, so I'm leaving you a review anyway.

You know, I've read a fair few Albus/Scorpius stories, and this is the first one that I felt like really hit all its points in terms of being realistic. I actually could envision them carrying on a relationship at school, at least in the privacy of their room, and then having to hide it out in public. Based on the fact that this is for the Uncomfortable Challenge, I'm assuming you haven't really gone this route before, but I think the results turned out great!

I really liked the characterization of the two boys; Scorpius is a little more careful, it seems, and Albus is more in favor of being open about their relationship. That seems like nice foreshadowing for, as you mentioned, the fact that Scorpius will eventually break Albus's heart. I really felt bad for Scorpius during his little interrogation at dinner, and I can see logically how he might try to pursue a witch instead of continuing his relationship with Albus. I sense much heartache is to come :(

One little mistake I noticed - when Astoria brings her son water, she calls him "Draco" through the door, not "Scorpius."

Great job! I hope to return to this story soon.

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi Amanda!

Ah! I'm sorry you got ninja'd. :( Thank you for still taking the time to review though!

I'm really flattered and pleased that this is a realistic story! I really didn't have a basis for how this *should* go and was kind of starting from scratch. It's kind of funny because my uncomfortable challenge prompt was to have Rose/Scorpius but I created a love triangle in my head. Having them in a more private relationship opened the door for Rose to start dating Scorpius without being a total jerk to steal her cousin's bf (because I couldn't see her doing that).

Scorpius is quite the conflicted fellow in this story. He does eventually pick a direction and go with it though. His parents really aren't helpful when it comes to him being open and happy about his relaitonship.

ah, yeah, I fixed that now. :D Thanks for pointing it out. I had the hardest time with Scorpius' name - I wanted to type Scorpio each time. I don't know where I got Draco from.

Thank you so much for an awesome review!

-Rose


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Review #50, by academicaRabbit Heart: Have a Heart

18th January 2014:
Hey Pix, here for our Review Exchange!

Wow, Wren's situation is really sad. It's interesting how the plight of Frank and Alice continued to haunt the Longbottom family several generations later. I loved hearing about how Gran tried to help save them, though her story was quite sad as well. And it seems like Neville has gotten a little paranoid after the war, too, with all his security - thought it makes sense. Very interesting and thoughtful character development.

I also felt like your characterization of the kids was really realistic. I liked how rambunctious James and Albus were, and how Wren really wanted to prolong her last few hours at the house and avoid having to make a change. I actually remember moving from an apartment to a house as a kid and wondering who was going to put peanuts out for the squirrels in the winter, so I can totally relate to her feelings in that moment! I felt like you did the emotion here really well. I think it was very realistic for a young girl being forced to leave home and leave behind the things she loves without having any control over the situation.

Hmm, so the light wasn't just a trick of her imagination... I was starting to imagine that she was somewhat like Luna for a moment, so to see her fear come to fruition made for a startling ending. I wonder if the light will accompany Wren to her new home.

Really nice start; you've taken a fairly mundane scenario and made it really intriguing with your lovely characterization and nice detail work.

Let me know if you want to keep swapping back and forth on chapters until the end of the month, or if you'd prefer to stick to a one-chapter exchange. Either scenario is fine with me :)

-Amanda

Author's Response:

Hi there! I should probably get on with responding to these lovely reviews! They just looked too shiny to touch. I just had to let them sit around and glow for a while.

Yes, Wren's situation is sad. I hope I didn't make the chapter too melancholy. These things need balance, and I didn't want the whole thing to sound too despondent and depressed.

I'm really glad you liked the kids. They kind of lighten the mood, while showing how Wren is connected to everyone around her. And yes, the light wasn't just a trick. That would have been too easy. Look, a light! No, it's not really there, never mind. But wait! There it is. Again! Yeah, that's more punchy. :)

Thanks for the lovely review on my first chapter! It feels good to know that my main character is relatable and the emotions came through. I always love hearing your thoughts!

Pix


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