Hi Lia! Decided to pop by tonight for our exchange :)
I really liked this! I don't often read fics where the author is bold enough to allow Lily to actually desire Severus in return. It was interesting to watch her throw herself at him in the middle section, and I liked the bit of intrigue you created with them sneaking around.
In fact, I would have loved to get more of that description in a bridge between the third section and the last one. What I'm guessing is that she misinterpreted his comment as saying he wanted to be friends, when really he wanted something more, but I'm not positive that I've read that right. I also would have liked to see a little more of his train of thought at the end--he seemed to go quickly from being heartbroken about Lily only wanting to be friends to accepting that fact and just being satisfied with having her in his life. You did such a great job with his internal dialogue throughout the rest of the piece, and I think a little more there would just make this perfect!
The only other thing that seemed a teensy bit off was the use of the word "bleated" in the first section. I could see it being a typo that was meant to be "blurted," and I could also see it being a reference to a sheepish reaction or something, but it kind of interrupted the flow for me. The image was a little humorous, and I'm guessing it wasn't meant to be. Oh, and you've got a few incorrect dialogue tags, which you could probably fix if you look over the tutorial available on the forums.
Overall, nice job! I love your take on Snape/Lily :)
-Amanda Report Review
I just read something that was super dark (but amazing), so this is a nice little palate-cleanser. Glad I chose it!
Oh my gosh, so cute! I love the little Delacour-Weasleys. It's funny to picture Victoire picking on her baby brother and sister, and to imagine Dominique and Louis working together. I liked the ending, too, with Louis enjoying his pudding while spiteful Victoire doesn't get any after dinner. Your characterization was just spot on for everyone. And your French! Between this and Reason to Fight, I'm assuming that you took some classes. Otherwise, that requires some serious researching dedication.
The flow is great, especially for an early-morning-hours creation. I love how I could easily picture every moment, like it was a movie unfolding in front of me. I keep coming back to the image of the door falling open and Fleur's body, hands on hips, blocking out some of the light.
Nice work, Val, and thanks for the swap :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Victoire is such a sour child child, haha. Picking on younger siblings is part of big sister contract!
Actually, French is my mother tongue, so no, I didn't take classes. It's one of the reasons I like writing Fleur, because I understand how she'd feel having to parallel both languages.
Thank you for the review, I love swapping with you :) Report Review
I couldn't help picking this one, even though it's technically a song-fic and not a "one-shot." I love the song and think it's just perfect for Snape/Lily.
Um, holy cow. There's just not much else to say. Your emotion and your flow are pure perfection. I'm currently working on a project where I'm trying to really draw out the darkest, most deranged elements of Severus, and you inspire me to want to make my Severus better, to really reach this level of filth and degradation and pure insanity. I love how you kept making reference to potions, given that they are Snape's most natural weapons, and the many ways in which he would use them to win Lily--forcing the truth out of James, miraculously saving her cat after kidnapping it, 'clearing up' her mind and stealing her affection. I can picture him talking to the students about the subtle beauty of potion-making, staring right at Harry, and thinking these dark thoughts inside.
I love the story here, too. It's interesting to conceptualize Voldemort and Harry's canon life as just a figment of Severus's twisted imagination, like a defense mechanism he can use to justify why he and Lily should be together after James's death. You've got to love Lily's strength, too. It's crazy, because I usually jump right to Snape's side in the Snape/Potter debate, but here I'm rooting for her. The poor thing has been bought and paid for in Severus's mind, but she clearly has the ability to lead her own life without the help of a man, despite her grief over losing her husband.
I really don't know what else to say except I loved this and I really need to come back by your page more often. You're definitely a literary treasure.
(Oh, and thanks for the swap, haha.)
-Amanda Report Review
Hey Aph! Thanks for the swap :)
I don't think I've ever read a Viktor/Fleur before, but I really like this! They almost seemed like they were in a fairytale, with Fleur as the pristine princess and Viktor as her charming, chivalrous prince. The language you used was so graceful, like when Fleur glided over to Viktor, and I really think that added to the effect.
It was interesting to see how insecure Viktor was throughout this piece. The symbolism with the butterflies in his stomach and the green-eyed monster definitely amplified it, but I think you accomplished it with just the little references to his jealousy and the way he was so possessive of Fleur. It was also quite the contrast to the seemingly light, luxurious atmosphere of the party.
The universe here is interesting and satisfying. I like the idea of Viktor being happy with someone after, as he pointed out, losing just about every girl he ever liked to someone else, usually someone affiliated with Harry. I also liked the characterization of the others in the story, particularly Ron, Hermione, and Ginny. They especially seemed really perfect and on point.
Very nice! I've paused at this story during several past visits to your page and never stopped, but I'm glad I did this time. You did a really great job :)
-Amanda Report Review
Oh, I love your fact-filled author's note! It makes me nostalgic, and now I want to finish up the next chapter of my Founders novel. Never fear, I'll be sure to finish this review and post it for you first!
I like the cute way that Edith and Alastor joined up in this chapter. It's nice to see Moody not being totally competent at everything he tries. I always thought that he was the kind of man who could appreciate a woman's unique strengths, and I can see that he has some respect for Edith already.
The little 'interrogation' was kind of interesting, too. I can see how Moody would fit in in such a no-nonsense environment, and how he would be perfectly happy being ordered around by Edith. I imagine that adult Moody took quite a bit from his experience in this place, and it'll be neat to watch his character develop as he gets to know Edith.
One thing I did notice is that you sometimes end paragraphs of dialogue with a comma and nothing else. If it's the end of a sentence, feel free to use a period or other punctuation mark. If there's some action after the dialogue (i.e., 'she said', 'he told her'), then you would need to use the comma. There's a great tutorial on the forums if you need it.
Well, that's it for now. I just wanted to say that I really appreciate all of the kind reviews you've been leaving me and I hope these brighten your day and help you out a little with your new project :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Why hello again Amanda! I had to restrain how many facts I put into that author's note, I could have gone on for much longer :P I've always though of Alastor as very much a mummy's boy, not in the sense that he can't do anything without his mother, but rather he favours his mother over his father. I don't know why, but that's just how I imagined him, growing up in the country with his mother. Edith is definitely a no-nonsense sort of person, for sure, and it will be interesting to see how their relationship develops ;)
I didn't know that! I blame GCSE English, there's not nearly enough focus on writing, it's more analysis, so we don't learn things like punctuation or grammar even though it's paramount to essay writing and writing in general... Thanks for pointing that out, I'm going to edit accordingly :D
Thanks so much again for the reviews and the support, I can't say how much I appreciate it! Report Review
Hi Aisha! Just dropping by for a review.
I really love the imagery in this chapter. I was especially fond of the part where her internal conversation flowed from 'mutiny' to 'mutations.' It was a subtle way to allude to the cause of her death without having to plaster it across the chapter. I also liked the contrast you drew between Edith's failing body and her unbroken spirit.
I think the only thing that felt a little off was the ending. I like the suddenness of it and the shock value, but it seemed almost a bit too sudden. I think you could add in a little bit more about her sinking into her pillows and fading away into sleep, just something to help bridge that gap more.
Nice start! I'm on to the next chapter.
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hey Amanda :D You came! Usually my introduction chapters are my favourite, but with this story I didn't get that same kind of feeling, so to have that pointed out helps ;) Thanks so much for the review and the support that you've given me! Report Review
Hey Angie! Back again for chapter two :)
I'm going to hit the same points again this chapter.
Interest level--Again, I like the snappy ending here. It provides a nice transition for Dominique to spend the next chapter figuring out how to live as a werewolf and coping with her visible grief and pain.
Characterization--The one thing that seemed off to me was the part when Dominique woke up. I would imagine that being attacked would put you in a ton of pain. I see that you mentioned pain potions, which I am assuming helped to numb the sensation. But it would have been nice to get more of what Dominique did feel--was she woozy? Confused? I think you had a great opportunity to go into her internal state since you set this from her perspective and had her waking up slowly.
In the same breath, I think you focused a little too much on the flow of the scene and the external events. It just seemed very dramatic, even considering the events in question. I'd consider dialing it back a little, especially since you have multiple chapters to spread the reaction across. (This part goes under Style/Flow, I guess.)
Plot--Dramatics aside, I thought you did a nice job of introducing several characters in a smooth way. I liked how Dominique's family and Teddy were all there for her as she woke up from her attack. Incidentally, this reminds me a lot of a Lavender story I'm working on right now. Small world :)
Nice second chapter! I hope that my feedback has been helpful and you feel reassured about the story.
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hey again Amanda! Thank you for coming back!
I am glad you like the ending here too, and that you think it's a good way for Dominique to start mulling over what to do with her life now :P
Thanks for pointing that bit about Dom being in pain on waking up. I wasn't quite sure whether she should be because of all the advanced potions and charms in the next-gen era, but thinking over it, I'll add in some pain feeling. And also will try to delve deeper into her internal state. Thanks a lot for your input!
Hmm I am not quite sure what you mean by "dialing back" so I hope you won't mind that I'll PM you about it. To be honest, I wanted to present Dominique as hysterical and dramatic, as next chapter I wanted to get into the action of things rather than her reaction, but I hope we can discuss this over the PM and you can give me your input? (I'll credit you of course).
I am glad you liked the way I introduced all the characters. I'd like to check out this Lavender story of yours =)
Thank you so much for taking the time to review this for me. I value your insights a lot, since you're my favourite author, so of course this feedback has been very helpful.
Thank you! Report Review
Hi Angie! I'm stopping by from Review Tag :)
I'm going to try to hit all the points you mentioned in your PM when you originally asked me to review this.
Interest level--you've definitely got me wondering what's going to happen next! I like how you ended this chapter on a cliffhanger. I feel like I barely know Dominique, and I wonder how this tragedy is going to influence the development of her personality. So I don't see this as filler; normally I wouldn't like to get so much back story in the first chapter, but I liked how Dominique took advantage of the time to think while waiting on the wolves.
Style/Flow--I think the flow here was pretty good. I'm always a little hesitant about prolonged use of the past participle tense (i.e., 'had been'). I think that little section in the middle with lots of 'hads' detracts a little bit from the good, smooth present-tense flow of the rest of the chapter. Otherwise, this is nice, and I can see your writing style coming through just like in your one-shots.
Characterization--I like Dominique so far. She seems a little plucky and headstrong, and yet I like how you went into her intense fear of the wolves. I wonder how she'll cope with having been bitten? As I mentioned before, I don't know her that well yet, which is totally fine for a first chapter. No worries.
Plot--Good so far. I don't read enough next-gen to know for sure if it's cliche, but I don't think so. There are a lot of werewolf stories on the archive, but I'm sure you'll do well to make it your own.
Bottom line, I do think this is worth continuing. I'm proud of you for branching out into chaptered fic and I hope this is just the first of many to come. (Best to start slow, though, just like you've stated.)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hey Amanda! Thanks for stopping by! Sorry for the delay in responding!
I am pleased that you liked the cliffhanger and it got you intrigued. I hope I am able to develop Dom further in the chapters. It's a relief that you don't see this as a filler, I was wary of putting in so much information in the first chapter, but it all seemed necessary.
Thanks for the little tip off about the paragraph with "had beens". I'll try to see what I can do about it when I edit it. I am glad you found it nice overall though.
I am pleased you like Dominique so far, and I hope you're satisfied with how I develop her further, and that you get to know her better as the story progresses.
I know there are a lot of werewolf stories out there, but usually they focus more on the societal situation and the transformations etc. and not much on the character's feelings and changes in general, so hopefully I'll be able to give it my original spin.
Thanks so much for your lovely encouraging words and I hope so too!
Angie Report Review
Hello! Here from Team Blue for the Review Battle!
I love how you took an event as simple as a student asking to transfer classes and pumped it full of life. What could have been sort of a boring conversation was funny and easy to follow, and I liked seeing Archibald's head spin as he tried to keep his students from getting at each other's throats.
Speaking of Archibald, the characterization is great. I like how working with so few students allows him to get each of them down to a science. It was interesting to get his take on the lackluster pupils in his class--and thank goodness someone brought up the McDonald's connection, because it was sitting in the front of my mind the whole time.
I noticed a few minor typos and punctuation errors, but nothing too big. Overall, it flowed quite nicely.
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hi Amanda!
Archibald is one of my favourite character-characterisations of all time, just because he's so world weary and lovely... and it makes my day everytime I hear someone else likes my Archie too.
This was a really fun chapter to write so I'm really glad you liked it! And I'll be sure to actually go back over this chapter and edit it soon :)
-AC Report Review
Hi there, I'm here from Review Tag!
I love the idea of this weird twist on canon, with the Dursleys being dead and Severus finding Harry. I think the little details you have in here are great, like the way that Lily and Petunia's mother is sick of seeing Dumbledore and having to deal with another daughter dead as a result of magic. I also liked how you described Severus's morning routine and used it as a smooth transition into the plot.
One thing I noticed right off the bat is that the spacing is kind of wide in this chapter. You could probably fix that by using the Simple Editor to post material. It can take a little time to go through and put your formatting in manually, but the end result looks really clean, so I always use the Simple Editor.
Also, it seems like at times your phrasing is awkward; you put in extra words and use tenses that don't agree, and I noticed a few punctuation errors. I think the easiest way to rectify this would be to get a beta from the forums. They're very helpful and a lot of people use them to clear up errors like the ones I noted above.
This is a great start. I think the pacing is good and I like your imagery as well. I hope you continue this so that perhaps I can read on some other time.
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hello Amanda. :)
Yeah, I thought I'd bring something different to this whole theme of the story instead of Harry getting taken away from the Dursleys. And yes, I'm starting to love my Olivia. ^_^ I have more in store for her in the story as well.
Okay then, I'll start doing that when I have time. Real life is a needle to in the behind, so yeah.
Thank you for reading and I'm glad that I have a great start. I am in the process of working on Chapter 2 now so I'll let you know in the forums when I update. :D
-Asphodel Report Review
Hey Kiana! Team Blue, Team Blue! -cheers-
I really like Bill and Fleur and think that they're somewhat underappreciated, so it was good to see that you'd written a one-shot about them. I liked your characterization of Fleur a lot, especially the part where the other girls from her school seemed to think of her as being something special, but she just wanted to fit in and viewed herself as normal. It was nice to see the more insecure, unsure side of her.
A couple tiny things stuck out to me as potential ways for making this even better. For one, I felt a little confused during the transition from Cedric to Bill; it seemed like Fleur cared about Cedric, but then when she met Bill, she realized her feelings for Cedric hadn't really meant anything at all. It's romantic to see her fall so readily for Bill, but at the same time, I think it would be more realistic for her to have some trouble reconciling her hurt at losing Cedric with her newfound attraction to Bill. I hope that makes sense to you.
The only other thing was the transition from Fleur's recollection of her journey toward the scene at Gringotts into the actual present-day scene. It took me a minute to figure out that the Gringotts scene was playing out in real time, and I think part of it was some awkwardness in the flow and phrasing. You might just want to go back and re-read it again.
Overall, this was really nice. I liked how you drew in lots of elements from canon, like the way that Fleur and Bill connected over their faith in Harry. This was a very cute, fluffy little one-shot :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Haha hi Amanda! *joins in cheering!*
I'm glad that you liked the unsure side to Fleur, as I wasn't too sure if anyone would like it, considering how brash and bold she can be in real life! I guess that might have been done to show that she is insecure at times!
I wasn't really sure how to show the transition from Cedric to Bill, and tried a couple of things, and none seemed to work. So I left it how it is and hoped for the best! I really like your suggestion though, and I think I will work it in some how :)
I didn't realise that I missed a time phrase out, I meant to go back and include one, as I realised it would be a little confusing, so I'll actually include one this time ;)
I'm glad that you liked the canon elements, as I can't help but include them! I'm glad that you liked it, as I tend to avoid writing overtly fluffy scenes, as they make me cringe, so it's good to find that people liked it!
-Kiana :D Report Review
Haha, it's like with Kiana -- I had been meaning to come back and visit this story again, and then I didn't have any time, and then you were lovely enough to respond to my swap request and remind me. Hooray!
Interesting! I'm enjoying getting to know your characters better. Simon's scenes were immensely powerful. I don't know how you get yourself into the proper emotional state to write something so tragic, but I'm very impressed. The details really hammered home the dire nature of the situation and helped take me back in time to that point.
Camille, too, is interesting. I like how multi-dimensional she is. For starters, she was once vulnerable, and now she's hardened. I'm guessing it's a self-protective measure, and that she might let Xavier in again one day, be it out of pure tension or a desperate situation or something else. I loved the moment where she had to laugh to throw off the patrol, too -- it was scary to witness.
The ending--whoa! That spell is intense. I loved the emotion in that scene, the sort of steely determination I got from Jean and his recollection. I fear that the mission will not be flawless after all.
And your author's note was great--very informative. I had been aware of the symbology in the concentration camps, but your story helped jog my memory there and give it some context. The bit about choosing criminals over communists was interesting, too, and it makes a lot of sense.
Lovely chapter. Thanks again for the swap :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: I had a complete fangirl moment when I read your review, so I'll try to respond properly to this.
I honestly have no idea how I get into the proper mood to write Simon's scenes -- maybe that's why I find them so difficult to write. I'll just be typing, come to the end of a scene, and Simon's thoughts appear on screen spontaneously. That is not an explanation, sorry...
Camille is one of my absolute favourites, so your compliments about her make me really happy! I'm particularly glad you of all people think she's multi-dimensional (you know how I feel about /your/ characters).
That comment about my author's note. Heh. When I typed it up, I was actually thinking of your author's notes, that are always so wonderfully detailed and explanative.
Thank you for the review &hearts I'm always happy to swap with you! Report Review
I meant to stop by and review this the other day when I noticed the story had been updated, so I'm glad you posted to do a swap with me. Thanks :)
I like Hermione's point of view a lot! She seems very ruffled, but at the same time, I get the sense that she wouldn't be in this job unless she thrived on its busy nature. I like how she struggles to juggle all these different talents and duties--being a good wife to Ron, working on a law, babysitting. I also like how thoughtful she was and how she didn't just have knee-jerk reactions to everything. It reminded me a lot of the Hermione in canon.
I guess the one thing that threw me a little was the placement of Hermione's reflection on Snape. I think it's totally in character, but I would consider moving it down so that it's after Draco leaves. Otherwise, it seems like she's staring at him while she goes on this long train of thought, and that would be kind of awkward to picture realistically.
Nice work! This is coming along really well!
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hi Amanda!
I'm glad that you liked Hermione's POV! Yes I don't think she would be happy at all, if she couldn't be rushing around, and changing the world. I'm glad that my Hermione reminds you of canon Hermione, as she tends to be changed a lot in fan fiction, so I wanted to keep her to the original.
Yeah I liked her reflection on Snape, but thanks for pointing that out! Now I realise it, it does seem a little odd there, and I don't Draco thinking Hermione's stalking him or something ;D
Thank you for the great review,
Kiana :D Report Review
Hey Aph! Thanks for the swap :)
I love Narcissa--I just think her feelings are really interesting and I like exploring her character. I love how you really just take a journey through her memory here, through the many romantic nights spent in the dustless version of this forsaken ballroom. I love how she can remember specific details about each person who has perished, things that other people might not have even picked up on. Your post-war Narcissa, in her grief, is so much like mine. I was completely entranced by her thoughts as they drifted from person to person, leading me about the imaginary room.
The description is gorgeous, obviously, because I would never have expected anything less from you. It's like Narcissa herself is turning into ashes and dust, with the way it coats everything she loves and everything in the room around her.
I don't have any critique. This broke my heart, as it should, and I really love your sympathetic take on characters whose deaths were probably celebrated without reserve by the majority of the wizarding world. Narcissa's solitude makes this ever more powerful.
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hey there - thanks so much for the swap as well! I love reading your stories - I always regret I don't have more time to read them all...
I know, right - she's such a fascinating character just by virtue of who she's related to, without considering what she does in the end. Thank you! :) Honestly, the whole idea of using memories was totally inspired by the song and the way it talks about the past while he's standing in the room then and there in the aftermath, so I can't really take credit for that ;) I've always thought of Narcissa as being quieter than her sisters and more observant, but also more compassionate. Honestly, I was a little worried when I wrote it that it would be bit too 'and here's another person, and another' throughout, so I'm so glad you think it worked! :)
Gah, I'm not totally sure about that one myself, but thank you for that! It means so much :) I actually love that analogy... it's brilliant and I never really thought about it in that way... wow... yeah, I love it.
Thank youuu so so much for that! I'm happy - no, well yes, well... you know what I mean! - that it broke your heart and that you enjoyed it! Thank you again for the wonderful review! :)
Aph xx Report Review
Hi! Thanks for the swap :)
This was a really cute start to the story. I really liked how Oliver didn't say too much during the first part of the chapter, because it really emphasized the description of the players talking circles around him. It was funny to imagine him just standing there and trying to be patient. I also really like how I've started to get to know each of your players without being hit over the head with, okay, this is this person, and here's everything about them, and this is the next person, and here's everything about them... you know? That's good.
In fact, the only thing I felt like was missing was more of a sense of Oliver's characterization. I would have liked to know more about the circumstances he was coming from and what his life outside of his work was like. But I'm sure that's coming in the next chapter or two.
Nice start :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Awh! Thank you so much :D
Ohh thank goodness! Because that is the biggest danger with multi-character stories, especially when you're introducing so many at the one time! I didn't want it to be a thing of 'This is Mary she is twenty she is blonde', so I'm glad it turned out okay!
And yes, I was purposely vague withh the whole 'what is Oliver doing teaching these ruffians' thing, as it is to be revealed at a later stage!
Thank you so much for the review :D Report Review
Hi Susan! I was in a reviewing mood and decided to stop by and check this out. I love the banner :)
The imagery here is so powerful. I love your seemingly accidental juxtaposition of Minerva's sunrise and Tom's figurative and literal sunset. It was nice how you kept referring back to it--for example, when you mentioned pools of blood as red as the sunrise. I felt really bathed in color the whole time I was reading this, and it was very helpful for me visually, trying to picture younger versions of Tom and Minerva interacting.
I like your portrayal of Minerva a lot. Your Tom is powerful, very nested in his canon characterization, but I feel like his presence most serves to highlight hers. She reminds me a lot of a Ravenclaw, trying to logic him out of the path he's heading down. In fact, I think she shares the same weaknesses during arguments that I do--I often can't resist pointing out the flaws in the other person's point, and it tends to get me in trouble if I don't check it emotionally or adequately assess the function of my words. She seems to be trying to keep to it purposefully to distance herself sentimentally from him, but it's like it only drives them further apart.
This was really lovely. I see why you like the ship!
♥ AmandaAuthor's Response: Amanda! Thank you very much for this review! It was a great surprise to see it, and I'm very glad that you enjoyed this story. :D
It's one I really enjoyed writing, especially because of the imagery and the strength of the colours. The two characters are faded, almost monochromatic compared with the sunrise - it gives them colour, dying them red and gold. The story is a painting, with two shadows framed by the doorway against the thick oil shades of the sky. For one-shots, I like to keep to a strict theme or style - for this one, everything stems from the sunrise and its colour, particularly that shade of bloody red. It's not only an obvious colour to represent the bloodshed that Tom Riddle instigates, but it's also the colour of Gryffindor. It can't be a noble colour in one context and an evil colour in another, and in the story, both characters struggle with the good/evil binary. It's not clear-cut, even for Tom Riddle.
I really like what you said about Tom's presence highlighting Minerva's characterization. I'd never thought of it that way before, but now that I have it in mind, it perfectly fits the way I've been writing this ship. In each case, Minerva's interactions with Riddle push her toward a new stage of development - she has to enforce her autonomy and make a decision about who she could be. On one level, he's a tempter offering the apple of knowledge. On another, he is someone she could help, perhaps even save. But her third choice - the one she ultimately chooses - is to abandon him completely. It's the one he would also choose, interestingly enough because they both value their own independence and spirit, and they couldn't give either up to anyone.
Thank you again for the fantastic review! You've definitely brightened up my day! ^_^ Report Review
Hi teh! Here from Review Tag :)
I love the dark overtone of this whole chapter. It's quite fascinating how you've managed to taint Fred, who was always a comforting source of humor in the canon plot, especially as the series grew ever darker. For instance, the Episkey spell--in canon, Luna just uses it to tweak Harry's nose a little, but here it's like full-blown emergency medicine being used to restore Fred's broken body to something resembling youth and health. It was quite startling to read the description there. I love the (unintentionally?) creepy "prank" they pulled on the Slytherin, but not as much as I love the levity with which Fred and George contemplate the terms of their double demise, the blaze of glory.
I love the imagery at the end; I felt like I was reliving Fred's death second by aching second along with him. How sad that he can recall it down to the tiniest, most morbid detail, trapped forever with the memory of what could have been, what was lost. How tragic that his life ended just when the life of his dear family was beginning again.
This is fantastic. I'll come by sometime and continue.
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hello Amanda!
So lovely to see another review from you for this story :D Yeah, the entire story is meant to be on the slightly darker side of things, even though it involves the Weasley twins and all. So their pranks and everything are going to have a darker tint to them, and well, generally things are going to be ahem...dark! :P At least I hope I can pull this off...
I think I might not have understood the use of Episkey too well in canon, actually! I know Tonks used it on Harry's nose after Malfoy stamped on his face so I thought the spell might fix Fred a little. But I guess it won't be enough if he's broken a rib or something...I'll definitely have to look up other possible spells! My knowledge on this area of canon is quite limited :P
I'm actually a little unhappy with this chapter now. I plan to rewrite it...or at least edit it quite heavily. There seems to be something a little off about it which I can't place...or maybe it's just me being obsessive :P
Fred's death was tragic for all of us :( I've not met a single HP fan who is not affected by his death, and by poor George's loss.
Thank you so very much once again for your absolutely wonderful review :D Your comments just made me all warm and fuzzy inside :) I'm currently writing Chapter 4 now and I do hope that you'll stop by again in the future :D Thanks again!
-teh Report Review
Hey Rachel! I had a few minutes to myself this evening and I thought I'd pop by and check out some of your recent work. This one jumped out at me.
I really love this portrayal of Lavender. It reminds me a lot of Clandestine, because in the same way that I took Rose to the extreme in that story, you took that little bit of canon jealousy and just pushed it way over the edge. Not only that, but her disdain for Ron seems to bleed over onto almost everyone else she meets, even strangers on the street in Diagon Alley. I felt like every description was tainted by Lavender's hatred and jealousy. All at once, the emotions seem simple and then complex--she wants and hates him passionately.
I was a big fan of the creepy overtone of the story and the way Lavender had calculated even the smallest interactions, like her faux ignorance in the conversation with Harry. I can't help but wonder if he'll put two and two together when they find Ron's body. I get the sense that it doesn't matter to Lavender--she got to exact her revenge, which seems like the end of it, all she ever really wanted.
This was really cool and different. Nice job :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Amanda! ♥ I'm so thrilled to see your name back in my (large) pile of unanswered reviews, and I really do appreciate your taking the time to check out a story of mine. I'm so long it's taken me so long to respond, too.
I've heard really awesome things about Clandestine, actually, and now that you've drawn that comparison I feel I'm going to have to check it out before too long. :) Lavender's definitely been warped by hatred and jealousy in this story, and it kind of drives her every action. I think the thought of wanting Ron is more attractive to her in this state than Ron herself is -- and somehow I'm under the impression that something Greyback did to her in the battle sort of altered her rational mindset somewhat. The movies indicated Lavender died, but we never knew that for sure...
I LOVE writing creepy stories, and I'm glad you thought it worked here! Creepy and/or sad stories are always my favorite, both to read and to write, and I'm not sure why that is. It's the seedy underbelly of life as far as emotions go, but there's something stark and striking about it, too. (I'm under the impression that Harry, upon finding Ron's body, knew exactly what happened... Poor bloke.)
Thank you so much for taking the time to review this for me! :) I'm happy that you enjoyed it! Report Review
Okay, let's do this!
He directed an ear to it, listening, and smiled sadly. "I don't ever want to give you up."
"Well, that's stupid," I'd told him. "Why on earth would we have to give the baby up?"
Lucius had looked up at me then, pity coloring his eyes, and said, "I had to give you up."
UGH, my heart. What's funny is that based on the characterization of Lucissa I see a lot on the archive, you might expect it to be the other way around, Narcissa saying she had to give up both of the most important men in her life. But to have Lucius say it just drives the stake a little deeper.
The part with Fenwick was so well done. His death started me as much as it did Narcissa, poor thing. I loved the imagery you used there and the way you compared Narcissa's loss of composure with Lucius's cold calculation. I also like that you've shaken me up here, too. You've woven this beautiful love story with these two very flawed and victimized people, and then I get this little peek into the possibility that maybe Lucius isn't Prince Charming to Narcissa all the time, either. With that, you cement this into the mainstream, without losing any of the richness and beauty of the plot.
It's weird to think of everything I've read and adored for months and months as a mere bedtime story. Did you always intend to end it that way? I really like it, especially the false sense of security that shows up there at the very end. It really reminds me of how jarring the Dark Lord's return would have been for canon Narcissa and Lucius.
This was such a treat, Sarah, and I'm so pleased that I finally got the chance to finish it. Awesome job with everything, from characters to imagery and beyond. I'll surely recommend it in the future!
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Amanda! ♥
And it all turned out to be a bedtime story. Yep, it was always intended to end like that. In my mind, the only reason why there were fairy tales woven throughout was to make it interesting for Draco, softening certain points of it so that he would better understand. And as the story went on, it gradually crept into a more canon feel, drawing to a close with the assumption that all was well and Voldemort was gone forever. Even though Lucius and Narcissa were supporters of Voldemort and the dark arts, I think they would have been relieved on some level to have him gone; no one wants to raise their kid around that sort of thing. By the time Voldemort flew back onto the scene, Draco was old enough for Lucius to not care so much; but I think it would have been terrifying for Narcissa, who counted on a peaceful, elegant life in a nice house. They fell very, very far in the end.
Thank you so much for your kind words. :) Your reviews on Purgatory were where I first noticed your name, and it's a very warm and happy feeling to have early readers come back and read the final chapter.
Sarah Report Review
Hello there! I'm here for the TGS Review Exchange :)
I have to say that normally when I run across a next-gen story that's full-on zany like this one, I put the brakes on and turn in the opposite direction. But something about the style here just worked--maybe because there was a clear basis for Adrienne's rambling in the identified trait of inattention. Anyway, I really liked the pacing of the chapter and the very abrupt end in the closet. The way it all played out, it was like watching a sitcom or similarly funny movie. It was really entertaining.
I think if you wanted to toy with this more and make it even better, there are a couple areas for growth. One is just in terms of proofreading--you sort of lose the punchy effect when there are interruptions like typos and incorrect punctuation. I think if you went back and messed with that a little bit, you'd have an even stronger first chapter here.
The other thing is that I think you could fill this out with a little more plot, just to give it more substance and help balance out the zany somewhat. For example, maybe you could add to the characterization by having Adrienne and her friends hang out on the grounds or attempt to sit quietly in the library between Potions and the walk to the closet. To me, the closet thing would be even more effective if it was happening after dinner, so that they might be stuck there all night.
This is definitely a nice start, and if you get another chapter up before the month is over, I'd like to stop by and see what comes next. My time is unfortunately severely limited, so I won't make any promises. Regardless, I am looking forward to seeing what you think of The Middle Man :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for stopping by and reviewing so quickly! I've just read and reviewed the first chapter of the Middle Man for you. :)
So, I feel I should let you know that this chapter was posted hastily to enter a challenge and I am very unhappy with the state it's in at the moment, so I entered it in the review exchange in order to get some solid constructive feedback. Thank you very , very much for your valuable advice!
I have recently found a beta for this story and this chapter will most probably be in for a rewrite as soon as we co-ordinate our efforts.
I've just reread this chapter with your comments in mind and I agree completely about fleshing this out quite a bit. There is almost no substance to this chapter other than what it has set up plot-wise, and I think having the closet incident happen later would be a better idea.
I have written the next two chapters in a rough format, and they have a bit more substance (I hope) than this one.
Once I put those up, any further input you have will be invaluable.
Thank you again for the thoughtful review, and sorry for the rambling, lengthy response xD
-Gill Report Review
Hello! I'm stopping by from Review Tag :)
The emotion in this piece was really quite tangible. You did a nice job with describing how hard it would be for George to come to terms with Fred's death, from the trouble he had breathing to his unwillingness to say the word 'dead.'
I love Fred's characterization, too. You've done great work with balancing his insatiable dry wit and the fact that with his death some of his usual levity has left him permanently, as symbolized by the slightly different look in his eyes. I like the little bit of awkwardness inherent in their conversation, too, especially the mistake with five, not six, brothers.
I also liked how George rephrased his eulogy, to make it more like what he and Fred wanted and less like what was expected of him. Even in his misery, he was able to let Fred live on through him.
The only thing that seemed a tad bit off to me here was the quote from Deathly Hallows. Don't get me wrong, I love that quote, and content-wise I think it fits here. The phrasing, though, seems a little too stiff for Fred and George. If you really want to include it, I'd recommend going back and paraphrasing it so that it sounds more natural. You will obviously still need to credit the source, though.
Nice work :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hello! Thank you for stopping by and thank you for such a great review!
I'm so happy you liked the characterisation of Fred and George - I was so worried about losing the two of them among all the emotion and seriousness of the matter. The mistake actually came into it as I made the mistake writing that line - counting all 6 of the brothers. It seemed to fit though - Fred forgetting that he wasn't with them anymore.
Even in misery I still can't see Fred and George conforming to what is expexcted of them. I think what George says is better than anything he would have been expected to say anyway.
Thanks for the advice - I will look into paraphrasing it. I love that quote too and when I was writing this I just had it in my head all the time. I see what you mean though so thanks!
Thanks again for such a lovely review!
Lauren :) Report Review
Hi! Here from Team Blue for the Review Battle!
It's interesting to read something from Tom's perspective at this time in his life. You can already see the cruelty we've come to expect from Voldemort, like the incident with the rabbit, but there are also faint reminders of the fact that we're dealing with a young boy who has a child's understanding of things at times. For instance, that line about how it's understandable that he has strong powers already because he's the odd one is interesting, because he doesn't see it the way Dumbledore does, with the latter being worried.
I think this was a great choice for this challenge, because it feels like the length is appropriate here. Your writing is nice and smooth, as well. Nice job!
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Go Team Blue!
Yes I thought that it would be interesting to explore this part of his life as well, as I don't think there are ever really any mentions about it.
I'm glad that you felt I was coming through with a child's understanding as that was important for me to do, as Voldemort was very mature at this part of his life, but so immature in other respects.
I'm glad that you suited the challenge well, as when I first started to writing it, I thought it would be the ideal length for it.
Thanks for the great review, Kiana :) Report Review
Hey! I'm here from Review Tag! (And now I'm all caught up again, which obviously means you need to write more fabulous stories for me to review! Haha.)
I like the idea of an AU where Draco escapes his duty and seeks refuge with the Order of the Phoenix. I always felt sorry for him, being trapped with the Death Eaters, especially with his recent failure to kill Dumbledore riding constantly on his shoulders. It makes me feel better to know he at least had a companion in this version of the tale, though I'm heartbroken at how he regrets her death.
And that ending! Holy cow! I didn't see it coming, but it makes sense. In a weird way, I'm glad Draco decided to make a decision for himself, even if it's horrible to think about the act.
I think this is really well-written and good flow-wise, and I'm glad you decided to attempt something dark like this. I really think you did a nice job, and it shows me that you're capable of branching out as an author. I could even see this developing into a longer story, with this initial chapter being like a flashforward, a really compelling beginning. It's just an idea, though. Either way, hope to see more from you soon!
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. (Haha, I hope I can write something new soon).
I am glad that you liked this AU plot. I always wanted Draco to go with the Order and all, so I decided to include that in this story. I wasn't sure if his remorse for her death came through really well or not, but I hope it did.
I always wanted to end it this way, in fact when I was planning the story, I planned the ending first, so I am a little surprised that you didn't see it coming as I thought that the events led up to it. It is horrible to think about what he did, but as you said, in a weird way it was good for him.
I am so pleased that you found this well-written and good flow-wise, since I look up to you when it comes to writing so your comments mean a lot! I am capable really? *gasp* Thank you. It means a lot to me, especially coming from you, since you're like the best writer ever for me!! Ah, thanks for the idea, I am not sure if I can work it into a longer story, as I am scared of ruining Draco's characterisation, but if the idea ever strikes, it will be thanks to you =)
Thank you so much once again for your lovely review! Report Review
Hello! Here from Team Blue for the Review Battle!
I'm happy that I chose this story, because the beginning you've crafted is really quite intriguing. I love how you started and ended with the ring and used it throughout as a symbol of why Hermione and Ron aren't meant for each other after all. I also liked the line about how she's sitting out in the storm to take her mind off of her own inner storm. I thought your characterization was very nice here.
I noticed a few places where the flow of the sentences is a bit awkward and some technical errors were present. I know this is an old story and it's completed, so it's probably not in the forefront of your mind. If you were already thinking of maybe getting it beta-ed or proofing it one more time, though, I think that would be a good idea.
I'm also a tiny bit confused about the end. I couldn't tell if you meant that she's going to meet someone tonight, as in after she's walking on the beach, or before she goes for her beach walk, or on a night in the past that hasn't been referenced yet. Any clarity you could put in there would be helpful.
Nice work :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for your review. I haven't thought much about this story for quite some time. If I get a chance, I will go back and edit and fix up the ending. Thanks for pointing it out. This started as a one shot in my mind and just grew from there. Report Review
Hello, here from Team Blue for the review battle!
I really like the introduction of Andromeda and Teddy here. My head canon is that Narcissa and Andromeda reconciled at least a little after the war, though I've never had them being quite this chummy. I also love that Draco has a bond with Teddy; that seems like a great way for him to atone for the way he was in the main series.
Okay, time for some crit. You might actually benefit from having your beta take a closer look at this, because I noticed a few mistakes along the way. For one thing, you have several very long sentences, which you've broken up with five or six commas. Those would be better as separate sentences, because you're getting into run-on territory and it just reads a little awkwardly flow-wise. I also noticed several times that you alternated between capitalizing "Mother" and leaving it lowercase when it should be capitalized.
It's also interesting to read a story where Astoria is so unattractive--not in terms of how she looks, but personality-wise. It's amusing how much Draco wants to get out of marrying her. Most of the stories I read are about her rescuing him from his tortured soul, but I like this humorous twist.
Nice work :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hello, I'm glad that you decided to come back to chapter 2!
I'm glad that you liked Andromeda and Teddy, as I was swaying over whether to include them or not, but I'm glad that I did now! Yes I'll probably introduce some awkwardness between the sisters later on, just to show that there is a little doubt in their relationship! And Teddy and Draco, I thought it would be fun to make them friends!
Yes my beta was a little rushed with the editing of this chapter, but she promised to look it over again when she had more time, so it will get sorted eventually! Yes I'm never sure whether to capitalize Mother or not, so I'll go back and sort it out!
I'm glad that you liked Astoria, I thought it would suit the title of the story (Uprising), as he's uprising against his mother's wishes! I'll make sure she features more, as she is rather fun to write!
Thank you for taking the time to leave such a helpful review, Kiana :) Report Review
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