Okay, here for review #2 for the Review Battle!

I think something that would really improve this story, and this chapter in particular, is a deeper, more developed characterization of Hermione. Right now, I see a lot of things about her that are contradictory. That's not necessarily bad, since people are naturally complex, but I think you should add in more detail to explain her choices. For example, I had a hard time picturing Hermione from canon deriding Hufflepuff--though I could maybe see her making a comment about how Cormac's determination makes him fit for Slytherin, in a moment of panic. Her reaction to the kiss was confusing as well; it's a little cliche and unrealistic for someone to really hate someone else and then feel overwhelmed with passion when the other person kisses them. The Hermione I'm familiar with would be pursuing assault charges after everything Cormac did to her, and she definitely wouldn't be going to Slughorn's party with him. It's a good move to try to make the characters your own, but your story will stand out as stronger if you try to provide clearer motivation for their unorthodox actions.

That said, there were several things I noted that seemed like pure Hermione to me, which I loved. For one, I think it's totally plausible that she wouldn't tell Harry and Ron about Cormac because she didn't want to start trouble. I also liked how she gently woke Neville and sent him to bed; that was compassionate and rather motherly of her.

In a similar vein, Cormac's behavior there at the end was confusing. Why go so far with Hermione physically throughout the day and then suddenly back off? It seems like her protests didn't really bother him that much before, so I don't understand the sudden change of tune. It's fine to slow the pace down and really take some time to develop your characters and their interaction with one another. In fact, it helps to clarify their decisions.

I noticed the same thing I pointed out about the tenses happening again in this chapter. I just wanted to mention it as a reminder to you, if you want to change it.

As of now, it's hard for me to decide if I would like Hermione and Cormac to get together. I don't feel as if I know them well enough to make that decision. I definitely do think this story has potential and it would be interesting to return to it later and see how I feel about the pairing then.

Hope this review is helpful!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Thanks again! I would have to say this is not my best chapter by far. I just kind of wrote it at like 12 am without really thinking about what I was writing and never looked at it again. I'm probably going to go back and rewrite most of it this summer because of the contradictory characterization and tense problems. Normally, I'm very conscious of my tenses, but I didn't pay attention very well on this story. >.<
Thanks again for your lovely reviews! :) xx
~MadiMalfoy

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Hello! This is review one of two for the Review Battle!

This was cute. I thought it was funny how Hermione said her dress was pink and, as such, she figured Cormac wouldn't have trouble matching her. He must not be so macho after all! I like, too, how she tries to be independent and make her own decisions about her romantic life, though she clearly still carries a torch for Ron.

Two nitpicks--

I'm embarrassed to say that I can't quite figure out if this is meant to be a parody or not. If you were going for a parody, this line: Cormac is a very attractive bloke though, with his curly golden hair and chiseled features, and probably solid abs and body to go along with his pretty face because of all his Quidditch training... well, it's perfect. If not, I'd consider taking it out or providing more of an explanation as to how Quidditch would produce such a perfect physique. It's just a bit cliche is all.

The other thing is just that I noticed a slight tense change from the first part of the chapter to when Cormac showed up. Hermione was talking in present tense ("Ron is being..." "I hope...") and then she switched to past tense ("He exclaimed..." "I nodded..."). I would just choose one and go back and make the whole chapter be in that one tense, or maybe use some kind of flashback at the start.

I'm worried this review is going to come across as harsh. I certainly don't mean for it to do that--just trying to be constructive and provide some feedback. I'm going to go on to chapter two because I'm interested to see what the party will bring :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: First of all, thanks for the very detailed review! :) Regarding your first nitpick--yes, it's a parody of sorts, kind of portraying Hermione as a bit more shallow than she should be while still retaining her independence and courage.

Ah, tenses. I haven't looked at this since March, I think, so it needs editing. At this point I just wanted it up and out there to give me time to write more of Love Makes Me (awful, I know right?). I will go back and edit this during the summer so that should fix it. :) xx
~MadiMalfoy

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Hello, stopping by from Review Tag!

So I love the idea of Lily knowing that her death is coming and really embracing the idea of saying goodbye to her son, despite how painful it is for her. So often the stories I see about Lily and James's final moments are focused on the shock of the attack or the aftermath, and I actually really like this notion of Lily having a peaceful moment to think about what she wants for her baby's future.

This line was gorgeous--

And maybe, in that boundless heart of his, he would save a small corner for his old mum, lock it up and give her the key.

I just like the contrast between Harry being so open and surrounded by love and keeping a special place for the one person who isn't there next to him. Well, two people, at least at the start of it.

Speaking of people who aren't there, how sad is it that Lily figured Sirius and Remus would be there to take care of him and then neither of them was able to spend that much time with him?

Anyway, great one shot! And good song choice :)

-Amanda

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Hi, here from Team Blue for the Review Battle!

This chapter sort of made me sad. I felt bad for Albus being so stressed out about the Sorting, and it seemed like he wouldn't quite be happy with any choice, even a place in Gryffindor with his family. I do like that you split everyone up, though, because it seems better than just sticking them all in Gryffindor (how the Weasleys got away with it for years is beyond me).

The thing with the hat and James was a little strange. I'm guessing James didn't mean to speak so loudly, and I think the hat saying that it wouldn't sort people anymore unless the students learned to get along was part of what made this chapter sad for me. Anyway, though strange to behold, it was certainly a powerful moment.

Nice work on your second chapter.

-Amanda

Author's Response: thanks so much for your review! As for the scattered Weasleys, I don't like the idea of everyone in Gryffindor having the same last name.
I think Albus overthinks things far too much, which makes him a solid Ravenclaw, in my opinion. He'll be just fine in Ravenclaw though :)
James definitely meant to be loud, and managed to offend the hat in the process.
I'm glad that you liked this chapter, even though it made you sad. thanks again for reviewing!
~M

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Oh, Shelby, I love your Eileen. She seems like she's teetering just on the border between happiness and longing. On the one hand, she's got a thriving business, many friends, and a clear talent for sewing, but on the other she feels lonely surrounded by people with partners and families of their own. She's quite independent, which I like about her, because it reminds me of myself :)

I'm still hopelessly hooked, only now my fascination has shifted from the curse to this secrecy surrounding the Prince family. I can see, even without knowing much about their troubles, why Eileen would retreat from the wizarding world and her pure-blood past and find comfort among Muggles--including, I'm presuming, Tobias. The only thing that throws me a little is that Fabian asked about her parents and then later we found out that they were dead. Their deaths must not be well known, then? No newspaper announcement?

As you know from reading Diamonds into Coal, sometimes you can really dive into a story by doing some extra research on the side, and it seems like you did that here with sewing. I'm impressed by how you were able to work on the details of Eileen's job without disrupting the flow of the chapter, and how the Muggle and magical parts of the chapter blended together... well... seamlessly. Hah. Forgive me the pun :D

This was another great chapter and I seriously can't wait to read more of this awesome story!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Amanda! Oh, I'm so excited that you like her. I'm able to give her basically any characterization I want because we know so little and that has allowed me to shape her almost as my own original character. She is a study of contrasts, I think you'll find. She's like any of us - at once happy and sad, many emotions at odds with each other. I'm glad you like her independence. Historically, it's a bit risky for the era, but she is a witch after all, so I think it's acceptable. I also wanted her to be successful. Too many woman of this particular time relied heavily on men. I've always thought that witches were more successful and given more opportunities.

Ahh, the fact that you're hooked makes me so happy. I'm struggling and writing and working so hard to make this story /good/, you know? The whole thing - the curse, how Eileen straddles both worlds, her eventual connection with Tobias - it will all come together, but it's got a very dark twist, I'll tell you that! The part about Eileen's parents is meant to be unclear, actually. Their deaths aren't well-known, so that's why Fabian really has no idea. It will all come to light in time! :)

Oh yes, research! Why do we saddle ourselves with stories that require so much research? Haha (because we're awesome!). Thank you - my grandmother worked in a sewing plant for most of her working career, so some of these things I know and others I had to do some serious googling and fact-checking. Haha, love the pun! It's my hope that I continue to make it realistic and put those details together well without creating something jilting.

Thank you so much, Amanda! I always love your feedback and hope you continue to enjoy!

Shelby

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Hello, I'm here from Team Blue for the Review Battle!

I really like the contrast effect you created by focusing on Dominique and the Slytherins and then shifting over to Victoire and the Gryffindors. Point-of-view swapping is one of my favorite elements of writing, especially in third person narratives, and I hope you'll continue to do that because it's unique and makes this story more interesting.

I would caution you to be a little careful about Dominique. I like how she rode in on a skateboard; it made sense due to her exposure to Muggle culture and it seemed to set her up as rebellious (and played up that contrast effect I mentioned). However, when you got to the part about the wolf, I felt unsatisfied with the notion that no one had to ask about why she was allowed to bring a wolf to Hogwarts. It seemed a little symptomatic of Sueism, with her being allowed to do what she wanted; if having the wolf at Hogwarts is an integral part of the story, as I suspect, I would recommend actually detailing why it's allowed.

This is a good start :) The writing is nice and I didn't notice any glaring typos, which is refreshing. I also liked the overall flow of this chapter a lot.

-Amanda

Author's Response: hey, thanks so much for your review! I'm glad you like the perspective-switching thing, as I do continue that throughout the story. As for Dominique- I explain about the wolf later in the story, though i really do appreciate the heads up about sueism (though in all fairness, Ron had a rat, when told he could only bring a cat, toad, or owl, and nobody questioned him).I will go back and edit that part a bit though :)
Thanks again for your awesome review!
~M

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Here from Review Tag :)

I would love to be a fly on the wall when you write this craziness. I imagine it involves some combination of Red Bull and Mad Libs and TMZ. Then again, perhaps I should just stay safe over here after all...

Anyway, another excellent installment in the Voldemort series! I love what you did with Voldemort and Justinian eavesdropping on the Sorting--perhaps that little 'security problem' from the Snape-as-Headmaster year was never quite looked into sufficiently. And of course being the host of a trashy TV show is a perfect post-Hogwarts role for Gilderoy Lockhart. At least Voldemort doesn't owe any child support, poor chap. Peter may be eating his words when he gets the bill...

Also, the Vader scene may have been my favorite. He really knows what to say to make a girl feel special, haha. Poor Leia.

I don't know what else to say except this was awesome and I hope there are more installments to come in the epic tale of Voldemort's post-war life.

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hey there, your description really isn't that far off:)

So with all the Voldemort's daughter type stories out there (why is it never a son?) I felt pretty obligated to write something like this at some point.

While Peter was very excited to be included in the story, as usual, he really has no idea what he's getting into.

If Vader had survived, I can only imagine what the dynamics at a Skywalker family dinner would have been like.

Thanks for the great review!

James

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Hi! Here from Team Blue for the Review Battle!

Well, that was probably the worst first date ever! Poor Rose and Scorpius :( I liked how they were both good sports despite all that happened and persisted with the date, and I bet things won't turn out as bad as Rose anticipated. It's nice to see that Scorpius isn't as high-strung as I expected him to be.

It did seem like Rose's family went a little too far with all the pranks. I would have thought that they cared enough about Rose to only mess with her a little and not try to ruin the entire date, especially after they saw that she and Scorpius were getting along well despite the chaos. Less might be more in this case--maybe just a big prank in one part of the date with time for the two of them to recover?

I like how this is going so far. Good job!

-Amanda

Author's Response: As weird as this may sound, I'm glad that you think it's the worst date ever (that was the whole point of the challenge) so hearing that means that I achieved my goal!

I had planned on making Rose just walk out of the date at some point because she just couldn't take anything anymore but it occurred to me that that wouldn't be a very Gryffindor thing to do.

Good, they were supposed to go too far with the pranks. They do care about Rose, a whole lot in fact but they just expected that because she was a Weasley and George owned a joke shop that she'd be okay with the pranks. They just assumed that she wouldn't mind and would laugh at them.

Thanks for the feedback and thanks for reviewing!

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Hi Angie, here from Review Tag!

I like all the emotion laced throughout this chapter. It was nice to see a tender moment between Teddy and Dominique; it's clear that he intends to stand by her and that they care about one another very much. It was also nice to see her surrounded by the support of her mother and sister. It seems a little odd that the revelation of Dominique's sterility would come so out of the blue--as opposed to, say, when she goes to the doctor about wanting to get pregnant or during her initial appointment after the bite--but I liked how it served to break her down even further. It sounds awful to say that, but I can imagine all this suffering being a great catalyst for her to rise from the ashes starting in chapter five.

A couple little nitpicks:

--Sometimes the language you use gives this a little bit of an old world feel, like Dominique is a fragile Victorian lady. I can see how that might have been what you were going for, but it seems to me like the dialogue would flow better if you consistently used contractions instead of spelling everything out word by word (e.g., using 'I'm' in place of I am).

--Fleur's behavior in the revelation scene was slightly confusing. She knew the news was coming, since she delivered it to Dominique, but then she seemed confused after the Healer explained. You might reframe that scene so that Dominique is the only one who doesn't know the details or so that all three Delacour-Weasley women are told at once. This one is probably just a personal issue of mine, though, so it's fine if you really like it the way it is.

As always, I'm interested to see what will happen next. I'm having trouble figuring out what Dominique's decision could be, but things are clearly about to come to a head with the full moon approaching.

Nice work :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing. I always love your feedback so it was great to hear from you. Sorry for the delay in responding!

I am pleased you liked the emotion in the chapter, and you liked the tender moment between Teddy/Dom. Teddy is this really sweet and sensible guy who'll definitely stand by Dom no matter what.

Oh I had actually included a small piece of dialogue in which the Healer is about to say something about Dom's sterility in the hospital but Fleur cuts her off and requests her to inform her of the news later because currently Dom has faced enough shock (about being a werewolf) but I added it later in the Word file and it didn't get saved somehow so when I posted the second chapter it didn't get included. Only another reviewer pointed out the same thing a couple days back and I realised the error, so now I've edited the chapter and added in that dialogue. (I hope all that made sense).

Yes the suffering will definitely help her to regain herself and take some action.

Oh thanks for pointing out about the dialogue. I'll work on it.

Well, I figured that the Healer would have only told Fleur that Dom can't bear children but not the explanation behind it, but now that you mention it, I'll reframe the scene so Dom is the only one confused. Thanks.

Thank you for all your helpful comments. Your reviews always help me improve =)


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FINALLY here, Shelby!

I really love how you reached backwards into history with this ominous beginning. Your description, while it churned my stomach at times, really laid bare the desperate nature of the situation and every beat of pain that Penelope endured. It'll be interesting to read on and see how these Princes are connected to those we know.

I love Ursula especially because you made her feel so human. I get the sense that she will only make so large of an appearance in the plot, and yet you took care to give her the depth that she deserved. I especially like how she felt guilty for wanting to be selfish at the least opportune moment, because who can't relate to that sentiment?

And this curse! I'm intrigued by it; I want to know when and how it began and how it will impact the Princes across the ripples of their legacy. I've always held this fascination with the family because we know so little about them, only that the apple eventually fell so far from the tree that the result was poverty and (perhaps) abuse for Eileen and Severus. I hope you can tell that I really can't wait to read on and see what you have in store for us!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Amanda! You didn't have to stop by - you're so lovely!

The description worked then? I'm trying to restrain from pouring my heart and soul into each chapter when it comes to description - trying my best to remember that this is a novel and not a oneshot! I'm really excited that you liked this throwback. I told Jami (JChrissy, my beta) that I was worried about this first chapter. I know that a lot of readers don't like these kinds of chapters, but it's so necessary!

Yay! I'm really trying to focus on my characterizations in this novel. I feel like characterizations and dialogue are so important and I need to cultivate and bring the characters I love to life for the readers. Oh, Ursula. I mean, at her age, I wouldn't want to raise another child either, but she's selfless enough to realize that she's all he has now. It's a fabulous, realistic thought, I think.

You know I can't write anything without something terrifying or horrible in it! I hope you continue to stay intrigued. I will tell you that the curse is one of the centerpieces of the novel - it's HUGE.

Thank you so much for the wonderful review, Amanda! You're such a doll, I can't handle it! Thank you again!

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A few unrelated notes--one, Hunter Parrish is super foxy and half the reason why I watched Weeds. Two, kind of excited about your new Cormac/Eloise.

ANYWHO. I'm back again to catch up!

I think Louis' little outing with Autumn was just adorable. What woman wouldn't fall for a guy who got her a ticket backstage to the Weasleys' private workshop? I liked how you took your time describing the different products and their effects and didn't rush through the "date" or force anything too romantic on the pair just yet. I have to wonder if the wand thing is indicative of their synergy or if it suggests something more diabolical.

Hmm, so is Scorpius the reason that Fern has been MIA so much lately? I can imagine her sneaking off to be with him. Still, I have to ask--should I be ready for a less pleasant secret to come out later?

I liked the party, too; it was nice that you made an effort not to include alcohol or ridiculous romantic escapades. I also liked how your description made me feel like I was right there in the room with them. I didn't feel like the dress description was overdone.

Very nice job, Val!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Yes Hunter Parrish. I hesitated about choosing him for Louis, but then I was just 'BAH WHATEVER'. It was one of my most intelligent rash decisions.

I don't think any woman could refuse, could they? I certainly wouldn't. The reason why nothing is too romantic yet is because Autumn is a little clueless about this type of thing.

Scorpius is part of it, but not the only reason! And to answer your question, well, I like to throw readers off balance...

Thank you for the review, I'll be getting back to Post Scriptum soon!

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Hello! Here from Team Bronze for the Review Battle!

This is a very intriguing beginning. I hope I'm meant to be so confused and haven't just missed the point entirely. I was able to guess that "Hermione" was actually Pansy before you revealed her name, and it breaks my heart that the relationship she has with Draco (I'm presuming) has turned violent. I wonder who the associate is?

The opening with Marianne was interesting, too. I liked how her description of Bellatrix's attack seemed removed--as she described, she was more like a witness who just didn't do anything about it. It'll be interesting to see how Marianne's story is related to the scene with Alexander and Pansy.

I noticed a couple of mistakes scattered throughout the chapter, mostly erroneous uses of commas. I also noticed that you tend to use periods in dialogue tags when commas would be more appropriate. I think there's a tutorial on the forum to help with that. You might also consider looking into getting a beta just to help you smooth those mistakes out.

This is a lovely start :)

-Amanda

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Hello Kiana, popping over from Review Tag!

Poor Draco can't catch a break! I can see he's clearly trying to find his place in the post-war world. I like how you made some things that could seem out of character fit better by making them be in his best interest--for example, his comments about blood purity not mattering being mostly about not getting negative attention from passerby, and his insistence that he be permitted to talk to Hermione because Astoria didn't make decisions for him. I would be careful not to extend those ideas too far yet, though, given that he's got a whole story to change his ways and decide that blood purity really doesn't matter to him anymore.

If I remember correctly, Pansy wore a similar frilly pink dress to the Yule Ball in canon. Was this meant to be a slight to her? Either way, brilliant. Draco really has to stop getting involved with these high-maintenance women!

I liked your characterization of Hermione and Ron a lot. It's nice to see that getting through the war has made Hermione more confident, even when faced with ancient prejudice. I also like how Ron hasn't quite shed his impulsive and defensive ways, suggesting that it's perhaps a good thing that he's not accompanying the other four on the trip.

I did notice a fair few technical errors in this chapter, mostly typos and grammar errors and using commas where you should use semi-colons or periods. I don't remember if you have a beta reader for this or not, but I'd recommend looking into getting one just to give it that bit of polish :)

Nice job! I'll be back sometime for chapter five!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi Amanda!

Yes Draco isn't have the best of times at the moment, but if he was it would be a little weird! I'll definitely not go overboard on the things which may appear out of character, as then it would be weird :P

I think she did wear a dress, as I kind of wanted to show that though he and Pansy are ok now, he and Astoria will never be!

I'm glad that you liked the characterisation of Ron and Hermione as they're rather hard characters to pin down as we know so much about them. They've both changed a lot recently so I guess I can still play with that!

Yeah my beta's gone AWOL at the moment, and hasn't replied to my emails for a while. Hopefully she'll pop up again soon to sort it out!

Thank you for this great review,

-Kiana

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Hi Val! Here's the first of the two reviews I owe you. I'll be back sometime soon to do the other one.

Gosh, where is Fern?! You're making me nervous...

Anyway, I love the discussion of the Weasley antics and the strict list of qualifications for Charlie's girlfriends. I imagine he would be a tough one to get to settle down, so only the very best will do :)

Okay, I have to be honest--I have trouble picturing Peeves being at all serious. Caring about someone--perhaps, but I don't know if he'd let on about it. I would have pictured that interaction more like him continuing to make jokes and then showing through the action of trying to find her (behind the scenes, of course) that he cared. Does that make sense? I can see that you tried to justify it, though, so I guess this just comes down to a difference between tastes.

...oh, wait, so we did find Fern? That was abrupt. It's good that we've located her, though the way she's acting worries me a little. I'll stay tuned.

Hmm, does Louis have a thing for Autumn and is just trying to hide it? Interesting. I'll look forward to seeing how their "date" in Hogsmeade goes.

Okay, now that my running review is done, I want to comment on a few things I liked about this chapter. One is the sense of normalcy--I wouldn't even apologize about the academic content, because you're right, they're at school and it's good to show them actually going to class. Plus, it breaks up the action and creates interesting new scenes. Speaking of action, I also like how smoothly yours flows. I avoid action sequences like the plague because I can't figure out how to do that well, and yet it seemed to work well for you.

This is coming along nicely, Val!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi Amanda!

Fern is a mystery, and sadly I won't say anything about it because I'm keeping it a secret. You find out very soon though...

The Weasley antics are lovely to write about, I'm happy you liked that! Only the best one will do, yes -- if the women in his family let anyone get close enough :)

It's an interesting point you raise about the scene with Peeves, and I think I will edit sometime in the near future. I'm going to include a scene with Peeves again that sort of develops this one, so I hope it'll help clear up certain things.

Yep, we sort of found Fern! She let herself be found would be a more appropriate description though... I'm aware that was abrupt, but it was done on purpose. As I said, Fern's random appearances and disappearances are a big part of the story, so it's sealed lips for a few more chapters!

I'm happy you found this chapter normal, it's one of my big objectives with this story. Thank you for your lovely review :)

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Hi Claire! I'm back for another swap!

For some reason, this chapter seemed to have a lighter feel than the previous one. Perhaps it was the quiet and boredom of Pansy's captive existence. I liked it, though, because it felt sort of normal. For a moment, I almost forgot that she was under house arrest and imagined her as a petulant child stuck indoors on a cold, rainy day. I enjoyed reading about how she chose to entertain herself by cleaning up her things and reading.

It's interesting how you've managed to retain Pansy's true personality despite her situation. Even if she can't reign over the other students at Hogwarts, she can still entertain herself by thinking about how much lower they are compared to her. I especially love how she still fantasizes about her happily-ever-after with Draco, as if there is nothing to threaten that and this whole thing with the Ministry and the war will just blow over one day. I was almost surprised when she smoothly concluded that she didn't need her exams to be a trophy wife.

One thing I wasn't quite sure about was your use of the word "strewed" when discussing potentially incriminating objects in the Parkinson home. You may have meant "construed," which signifies a way of interpreting something. "Strewn" refers to things being placed haphazardly about the room or floor.

It'll be very interesting to see how things develop as Pansy's imprisonment term lengthens and she begins to realize the true consequences of the war. I'm very glad you decided to swap with this story :)

-Amanda

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Hey Rachel! Dropping by for our review exchange ♥

I love the theme of comparing Shell Cottage and Bill, both the good and the bad, throughout this piece. Its simplicity is its strength. I imagine that Fleur would have had to change a few perceptions about her future when she married Bill in the middle of a war--it wasn't exactly a princess wedding and privileged life in a castle. Anyway, I liked that you hinted at her transformation here. She's happy just to keep the few things she has.

I love this line especially: My chest is heavy with pain for him. Again, it's very simple, and yet it conveys the heart of the emotion that a wife feels for her husband when he goes through pain. Sometimes all that she can do is just feel for him, be a strong, silent support there by his side, and you can tell that's enough for Bill in this moment.

I'd like to point out one technical thing that I noticed, in an attempt to be helpful. I think you could do without the comma in this sentence: I loved the sand that always gritted underfoot, and could never quite be fully swept away. But really that's all, and obviously it's very minor.

This was just lovely, and a very quick read. I write a lot of darker pieces, too, and I know the feeling of wanting to just step back to write something simple and light once in a while. I think the beauty of this piece really shows off just how versatile you are.

I'll see you around :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: I'm sorry it took me a while to answer this for you! I'm very glad you enjoyed it, though. ♥ And I'm so happy because you actually seemed to get it -- Shell Cottage doesn't have as much to do with this story as Fleur's love for Bill does. Metaphors! She loves him, no matter what, and he's not perfect. But why should love have to be perfect?

Seeing as you're married and I'm not, I am glad that that line translated so well. I feel like Fleur is very strong, and to stand by Bill like she did when everyone expected her not to -- that was the part that made me love her, what basically made everyone love her.

Thank you so much for this! And this response is kind of sucky, but I did try; your words are just too hard to respond to coherently. :) I'm glad we got the chance to exchange this month!

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Hello Angie! I'm here for a little review tag :)

I see that you really took what I said about exploring Dominique's emotional turmoil to heart in this chapter. I really, really loved the part at the end where she saw the place that Teddy liked to kiss now marred by an ugly bruise, a physical reminder that life would never be the same again.

I also liked the flashback to when Dominique and Teddy first got together. It's clear that Victoire is really important to her baby sister, almost as important as Teddy is, and I'd love to see you explore that more in a future chapter. I'm sure the preservation of that sisterly bond will be extremely important to helping Dominique cope with things.

Dominique's interaction with her boss was intriguing as well. I liked how you noted that Delilah's attitude was quite callous at times, and that she seemed to want to exploit Dominique behind the veneer of total sympathy and pity. The only thing I was confused about there was the fact that the deadline for the article was unchanged. You would think they'd have to make accommodations of some kind, despite their personal feelings on Dominique's recovery. I think you could add in some more details there about why the deadline has to still be two days away (i.e., why can't the article be in a later issue?).

This is going along quite nicely, Angie, and I hope you're enjoying writing it! I'm so interested to see what's going on with Teddy in the next chapter.

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing. Sorry for the late response.

Yes, I tried my best to take all the reviewers' advice in consideration when writing this chapter, as well as when I edited the first chapter (I plan to edit the second one soon too). I am glad you liked the part about the scar. It is a reminder of how her life will not be the same and I figured it should have a huge impact.

Yes, I wanted to show that Vic and Dom's bond is strong, that they care for each other, and will not allow a guy to come 'in between't them. Dom's relationship with her mother, as well as her sister, will be explored in future chapters (not the immediate ones, but it will be done).

Dominique's boss is not very nice, haha. She is a very unsympathetic character - I believe every story needs one xP More on her boss will be shown later. Oh, thanks for pointing that out. I'll figure out a way to get around that.

I am enjoying writing it, yes, and I am pleased by the response it has received. I am happy you are liking it =) The next chapter is in the queue!

Thanks!


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Hi! Here from the Ravenclaw Review Battle :)

This was an interesting little prologue. I like that you gave Teddy some personality; I see him as being somewhat reserved, like his dad, but I can see a lot of Tonks in his sarcastic, idealistic manner. I like your Victoire, too; having her being sort of a spitfire is a little cliche, but the image of her hiding behind the huge book and trying to avoid Teddy made me chuckle. I suppose he'll wear her down one day :)

Anyway, this is a good start. I will be curious to see where things go from here. I did see a fair number of typos, so I'll pass along my oft-given advice to look into a beta or proofread a bit more.

-Amanda

Author's Response: I'm always glad to hear that I have an interesting beginning so thank you for that. Teddy always ends up sounding like one of Harry's children to me whenever I read him in fanfictions so I was hoping to kind of change that and make him his parents' kid.

I haven't had access for a week so I've had to make do with what electronics I had at my disposal. Needless to say, I'll be doing some editing once my computer is up and running.

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Hi Val! Back with another swappity-swap review :)

I kind of love Summer in this chapter. It was so funny how she matter-of-factly answered the Ravenclaw riddle and strode right into the common room. In that first section, I also liked how you went back to the Bill-Fleur divorce. Is that going to be a major theme in the story? It's interesting to see how Dominique and Louis are dealing with the divorce in different ways, though I do feel bad for Dominique taking her mother dating so hard. (And it's so funny to see someone else's depiction of Dominique after having written my own.)

It seemed a little odd for the girls to refer to Harry, Ginny, and Fleur by their first names. I would have at least expected to see last names tacked on. Maybe consider taking a second look at that?

Points for actually including a lesson in your chapter. It was funny to imagine a class full of students trying to turn turtles into pillows, and I like how the girls were gossiping about their professor's little history with Percy. Seems realistic.

I think it's cute that the girls are being a little risky in trying to band together to buy the purse for their mother. She's lucky to have such thoughtful daughters, though they must have been a handful growing up, especially with her being a single mom!

The only other part I would consider looking at here is the beginning, with Autumn recalling her Sorting. I think the transition there to the common room was a little abrupt. For a moment, I thought Summer had basically ignored her cheering new housemates and plopped down at the Ravenclaw table to demand the return of her shoes. I think you could put a brief remark in there about Autumn clearing her head and focusing on Summer, just to differentiate the scenes more.

Nice work again this chapter, and I'm looking forward to continuing--and seeing what happened to poor Fern!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi Amanda!

The point of Summer strolling in so easily was there for me to show that she and Autumn are not just similar physically, but also in their values and way of thinking. The fact that Autumn is reasonable when Summer is hot-headed, and that they're in different houses, don't make such a fundamental difference.

Bill and Fleur's divorce isn't going to be a big theme, but it helps explain some of Dom's relation with Louis. I also included it because all Weasley couples always seem to be blissfully married, and I wanted to show it wasn't necessarily the case. Dom, I think, is still very much a child, even though she swears a lot and tries to act tougher than she is -- deep down, she only wants her parents to be together and to be able to see her mum without feeling like she's betraying her dad.

And yes, I know that feeling!

The use of first names, well. This actually came from experience -- my mum always used to grumble when 'Aunt' was tacked in front of her name (apparently it made her sound old), and I imagined the Weasley women to have similar reactions. Thus, there goes the Aunt and Uncle business, and that's why I had the girls refer to their family only with first names. Does this even make sense?

I'm so happy you mentioned the classes! To be honest, I went searching through the stereotypes-you-hate topic on the forums, and a recurring one was 'There are no classes in Next Gen, all they seem to do is party', so I'm attempting to stay away from that.

The first scene of the previous chapter proves that not only they were a handful before, but still are sometimes. I really want to keep Ellen as a big part of this story, because there are so many stories where parents are presented as horrible people. Again, I just want them to have a relatively normal family (minus the fact that their father left, obviously), so their mother and uncles will keep appearing in and out...

I went back to reread the chapter after you commented on that introduction scene, and yes, it could definitely do with some fleshing out! I'll see how I can edit.

Thank you for yet another lovely review, I'll be around for chapter two of Post Scriptum sometime during the week :)

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Hi Susan! Back for another review for our swap!

I love the classic trope of our fierce leading lady wanting nothing more than to wipe the smirking face of the leading male from her mind and being utterly unable to do so, no matter what she tries. Helen seems to become somewhat disheveled in his presence--and I love how she keeps making faces at every other thing he says :) I can't wait to see the moment when one of them really begins to soften in front of the other, and we see all this chemistry set ablaze with that one special spark.

Helen takes a bath when she needs to sit, think, and relax! My kind of girl. I like the sort of detached style and imagery in that section, like you're trying to get the reader to relax along with Helen (who only finds it so possible, as it were). Like this--"the book went limp in her hands"--very simple, and yet effective in conveying the seriousness of the facts in the next few lines.

The growing tension between Helen and Cadogan is intriguing. She's been warned off of him thoroughly, and yet she continues to tempt fate and pretend to have her act together around him. She's definitely a tough girl, but I have to wonder how long she can keep all of this up, what with all the strange things happening in Egypt right now. It'll be interesting to see how she continues to handle twists and turns as the story progresses--and, of course, to see what those twists and turns are.

Another nice chapter. No critiques to point out yet, and I'm looking forward to continuing on later.

-Amanda

Author's Response: Haha, that is such a classic trope! I can't resist things like that, even though I know I probably should. XD One thing I can't decide is whether she finds him merely annoying or she just enjoys having someone to fight with - the latter is very tempting to expand on because, by this point, she's dissatisfied and unchallenged. I'm really glad to hear that they have chemistry! Although I want to hold off on the romance, I do want there to be a strong connection between them, a bond of trust.

Ooh, thank you for that compliment! I hadn't noticed that about the bath scene, and it's very interesting to see it. It's definitely something to remember to also include in future chapters!

Writing Cadogan is proving difficult because I can't get a firm grasp of his personality. I know his vitals, but little more than that, and I try to convey this through Helen's narration. Her curiosity is piqued by his enigmatic nature, but like you said, she tempts fate by remaining close to him. It's not just that Moody has warned her away, but that things have only begun to change since Cadogan arrived. Perhaps some of Helen's naivety is showing through that she wants to trust him and enjoy his company - he is of her social sphere, and she can't help remembering its comforts and benefits.

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I look forward to seeing what you think about the rest of the story. :D

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Hi Kiana! I'm here for some review battlin'!

I liked how you emphasized the contrasts between Sirius's personality and Regulus's personality in this story, especially how Sirius always challenged people and Regulus just did as he was told and lived in fear. It seems to represent a learning experience from when they both lived in the same house; Sirius bucking the norms used to get him in trouble, and Regulus used to be rewarded for doing what his parents wanted, but now the roles are reversed.

I liked, too, how Regulus's attitude toward people in his life changed as he began to change his mind. I, too, figured that he and Bellatrix would have been somewhat close, and that she would have been intimidating as she grew closer to Voldemort and he drifted further away. I liked how he thought about reaching out to Sirius for help in his final days; it shows just how desperate he became.

This was a really nice foray into Regulus's character. Great work, Kiana :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi Amanda!

I'm glad that you liked the emphasis on their differing personalities, as I think that's what intrigues me most about them, as they both grew up with the same parents, and surroundings yet had such different and tragic lives.

I'm glad that you liked how his attitude changed as that seemed to make sense to me. His and Bellatrix's relationship always interested me too, so I was happy that I got to explore it a little here.

I'm glad that you liked it, and thanks for the review,

-Kiana :D

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Hi! Here from Review Tag!

I really loved this. Your ability to make the most of imagery is astounding. As of now, I can only dream of writing a long, detailed piece like this one, and yet these are some of my favorites to read. I would pick out a favorite phrase or two except I don't know where to begin. Mostly, I loved the way you described Merope's changing ugliness, the way pregnancy was cruel to her malnourished, unloved body. I also really liked how you showed the change between Tom in love with Merope and Tom after the effects of the potion had worn off--I almost wish you had described more of why Merope had decided to stop giving Tom the potion.

My favorite part, though, was Merope's vision of Tom Jr., the first time she really fell in love with her baby and decided to start doing what she could to take care of it. It was such a weird contrast, such a grotesque person loving something so purely, and you could detect that love right up until the moment when he finally stopped crying.

I was also impressed by the fact that you researched pregnancy and tried to make it realistic. It's a breath of fresh air after seeing so many easy, pleasant pregnancies depicted in other stories. I thought you were just capitalizing on the filth that was Merope's life and her home with the pica, but to add it in as a realistic element gives it a whole new sort of importance for me. Great job there.

This was a delight to read overall. Wonderful work!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hello Amanda,

gaah, thanks for this absolutely lovely review :D This piece is definitely heavier on the imagery and descriptive detail than my other pieces! I'd been relying on imagery and figurative stuff to sort of build an atmosphere of despair and to accentuate Merope's hopeless situation and how ineffectual she is in dealing with her the state of her life. Without being too dramatic, I hope. I really enjoy writing stories that are a bit more flat in tone rather than dramatic.

And unlike many writers, I can't write a short sharp piece focusing on a single aspect of a character's life and delving really deeply; I'm not skilled enough :P So I have to make my things a bit longer :)

I'm glad you liked Merope's dream of Tom Jr.! I was worried that it might be taking things a little far, but this /is/ magic after all, and I dunno, it might be possible. Also, pregnant women can have really weird dreams :P It's one of the effects of pregnancy.

I'm glad you liked the detail about pregnancy! I really did have to make it realistic seeing as the entire story was going to revolve around this, and while I'm familiar with pregnancy, having been pregnant before, I did have to look up the more severe side effects such as oedema and of course, pica (which isn't that common). I chose pica because nutrition / nourishment is really important during pregnancy, and Merope lacks the desire to take care of herself after her abandonment by Tom (as was mentioned in HBP), Also, all kinds of growth (healthy growth and parasitic unhealthy growth) and nourishment are sort of recurring motifs in the story :)

Ooh, long review response :P Thanks so much once again for your fabulous review, Amanda! I really appreciate it.

-teh

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Hi Val! I'm here to initiate our long-term swap!

True story--I've always loved the idea of naming women after seasons. Now I'm starting to regret it. I'll try to give my children less flowery names, haha :)

Okay, interesting right off the bat. I have to wonder what could possess a man to leave four daughters behind--that is, why stick around so long and then just up and quit after Ivy was born? I imagine we'll find out later, so I'll wait for that. I liked how you dove into Autumn's internal dialogue and let her explain the family's situation a little bit. You did kind of lose me once you launched into the part about who was in what House and year at school. I prefer to see details like that sprinkled throughout the first few chapters with context clues as opposed to just handed to me straight away.

Okay, I think I need some more context in the second section. I'm American, so I've obviously heard of Maroon 5, but are they popular in Britain? Where is the quirky anecdote about how four young witches learned to drive? And I'm a little confused about how the electronics can function so well with so many wizards and witches in the house. I think it's fine to sprinkle in bits of Muggle stuff, as long as you provide a rationale for it all.

Okay, love what you've done with the Potter-Weasleys! I'm so sad that Bill and Fleur aren't together, and I'm definitely curious to find out why. But I did like how you sprinkled the children and cousins across all four houses without making a huge deal of it, and how the Seasons aren't related to the family, just good friends of theirs. It makes for a very interesting cast of characters.

Love the riddles! Possibly the best thing about being a Ravenclaw--interesting passwords :) I don't know where you came up with them, but I like them a lot. And that ending, whoa! I wonder what will greet me in the next chapter next time...

Very nice so far! Looking forward to reading on :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: &hearts

The names are the result of a three-in-the-morning whim planning a Next Gen parody, if ever.

About Andrew, well, you shall see! And yes, I know this is insanely complicated to follow (I had an Excel grid to help me when I wrote this, if you must know). Introductory chapters aren't really my forte, so I apologise, but hopefully this gets clearer afterwards?

Maroon just happen to be a band I really like, and Sophie (the person for whom I wrote this story) appreciates them just as much, so it was just a wink to the conversations we've been having.

Whoops, did I say the girls were driving? I meant their mother, the girls are only sitting in the car. The electronics function because this big gathering of wizards is temporary; most of the time it's just a little old witch who lives in the house!

Bill and Fleur's divorce isn't really a big part of the story, to be honest. I just thought at least one cannon couple should be divorced because apparently it's a 1:3 ratio in real life. Hermione and Ron were overused as a bickering couple, so I went for Bill and Fleur instead (though it made me really sad too).

RAVENCLAWS RULE. House pride weaseled its way here, it couldn't be otherwise :)

I'm really happy to be swapping with you on the long term, and I'm sorry it took me so long to respond to this lovely review...

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Hi Claire! I'm here to initiate our long-term swap :)

It's clear from what I've previously read of yours that characterization is one of your strong points, and this story is no exception so far. I love the little nuances you've built into Pansy's personality. For instance, the line about her fingernails nearly cutting holes into the newspaper as she follows along with the article clearly shows that control is a major concern of hers and she feels very anxious in this strange new topsy-turvy world. I always felt like Pansy cared more about Draco than he did about her in canon, but here I really felt like she was genuinely concerned about his well-being and really felt like she needed him there to stabilize her. I'm anticipating their meeting later in the story--and dreading it, given that he will probably have little to say to her that she would expect.

I also like the contrast between Pansy's desire to retain control and her utter hopelessness at going about it. She can't get the Floo to work, she can't travel with the help of a house elf, and she needs to say the truth out loud to her mother to even get herself to start to believe it. I like how Pansy's mother kept referring to her plans; I can see where Pansy gets her need for control and sense of self-righteousness. Neither of them can believe that the war could have real consequences for them. Makes me wonder what Mr. Parkinson is like!

The imagery in this chapter made me sad, and not because you didn't execute it beautifully (you did). It's weird to watch this sort of palace that Pansy grew up in turn into a prison, with her and her mother left to wander about aimlessly and try to make some sense of their new, trapped reality. Wonder if Pansy misses Hogwarts right about now?

I don't have any critique so far; your stories never disappoint. I'll try to be helpful where I can later on.

Very nice work! I'm definitely eager to read on.

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hello Amanda! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond to this amazing review!

I'm really glad that so far you think I've done a good job with Pansy's characterization. Although I am fairly confident with it in the beginning of the story, as the story moves along Pansy begins to change or develop a lot, and since her development is the main focus of the story, I've been trying extremely hard to make her progress believable.

Mr Parkinson never really appears in the story himself, although he does feature in Pansy's thoughts on occasion. Imagining their family dynamics is very interesting because we've really only seen one Death Eater family in canon, and they, it could be said, gave up on Voldemort during the Final Battle.

Haha- I don't think Pansy misses Hogwarts so much as the freedom and power she felt there. At Hogwarts she felt as though she was at the head of the Slytherin girls, regardless of how true that was, and she felt that she held power because of her father's position as a Death Eater. Without that, without Draco, she feels lost and more helpless than ever before, a feeling that she is definitely not comfortable with.

Thanks for leaving such a well-thought-out reivew and I look forward to continuing our exchange!

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Hey Susan! I'm here to initiate the first of our swaps :) Since I've read the first five chapters but only now just started reviewing, I'm just going to leave some comments on what I read prior to this chapter first.

I've really enjoyed getting to know Helen. She's plucky and cynical and yet totally aware of the social conventions expected of her. She seems willing to conform as long as it suits her purposes, just as you would expect from a Slytherin; at the same time, she doesn't dull her sharp tongue in conversation, particularly with Moody. I think you've broken convention with her in a couple of different ways. For one, a lot of pureblood female OCs wind up pouting in their parents' homes or suffering as newlyweds in their arranged marriages. But Helen just went for it, left and carved out a life for herself, and with her struggles, the journey feels realistic. For another, you've done a good job of building up her character so that it doesn't feel forced or contrived to me to see Helen engaging in so much internal dialogue and sarcasm. It makes sense for her to reason with herself a lot, given all that she's trying to hide.

Oh, and Moody! I like how he's got that spitfire personality, as well as the contrast between his disdain of Helen and his fascination with her. I love it when a line of his dialogue pops up, because I know it's going to bring out Helen's worst. Hehe.

The premise for the story is obviously original, and I like the idea of there being this curse that isn't quite obvious to everyone but with which your main character is very in tune. It'll be interesting to see where Pharoah's wife comes in, and how she'll react to her husband's tomb being desecrated.

Anyway, on to the chapter at hand.

Helen is just full of contrasts, isn't she? She knows she's beautiful, and yet male attention seems to make her exceedingly uncomfortable, at least until she finds a way to use it to her advantage. I have to wonder if she's only pretending to be so perturbed by the glances she gets from Moody and Emile. I guess it makes it all the better that Moody pushes her buttons, to challenge her image making.

I loved the suspense in this chapter, too. I have to admit, when you first started describing the body as being without marks, I immediately thought of the Killing Curse. I wonder if this Egyptian curse is some kind of Avada Kedavra ancestor? Anyway, I like how you went from the confusion over the man's death to the incident with the boulder. The tension remained high throughout and pulled along readily to the end of the chapter. Great flow there. Same thing with Helen's realization from earlier in the chapter that someone had seen her Apparate. I wonder if it's the Pharaoh's vengeful spirit?

Nothing to critique in this chapter, or so far in the story. I'm afraid it will be challenging for me to critique anything of yours, but I'll try to be helpful where I can.

Very excited to continue. Nice work so far :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: Thank you very much for coming in to read and review this story, Amanda! Your feedback means a lot, and it's wonderful that you had the idea for the long-term review swap. Maybe I'd do better with reviews if I updated more regularly, but with this story, the idea has developed so slowly that it doesn't even resemble my original idea. But it's strange how I keep returning to this story, even after setting it aside for a few years.

It's fantastic to hear that you like Helen and Moody. Writing them again has been a treat because they have this potential to be cliched, yet their speech and actions overturn the stereotypes of the action/adventure hero and heroine. After reading your review, I went back to the first chapter to add more references to the fate of most pureblood Slytherin girls. You're very right that Helen's choice differentiates her from other such witches - Pansy and Narcissa come to mind - because she's been dissatisfied by the idea of "settling down" from the beginning. It's not that she doesn't want to settle, but rather that she wants to settle on her own terms, not as an ornament and brood mare.

Looking back at what I've written for this story, it seems like I've spent more time building the characters than the plot. This isn't new for me - it's just amusing to realize that I'm only getting into the plot by chapter 9 or 10.

Moody is the more interesting character of the two, probably because we don't see into his mind. Although Helen keeps information back from readers, her narration is still very revealing. I love your point that Moody both feels disdain and fascination for Helen - I hadn't seen that, but it's the perfect way to describe him! A lot of this has to do with Helen's defiance of expectation - the juxtaposition of her appearance and her personality confuses him. Half of the time, I don't know if he says something because he means it or because he knows it will get a rise out of her. There's a fantastic tension between them. :)

There was a time when I had forgotten about the prologue, and another period when I wasn't sure if it was even necessary, but I've found a way of re-integrating those characters and "origin story" back into the plot. the problem has been finding a way to do it without making it sound corny, and it seems that with these kind of stories, everything has already been done. Oddly enough, my new inspiration for this story has come from my dissertation research! There are some very strange books about Ancient Egyptian mythology from the late-Victorian period, and I'm going to see how much of that I can incorporate here.

Just to return to Helen's character, she isn't pretending to be perturbed by Moody and Cadogan's attentions, or those by any man for that matter. She dislikes being seen as a sexual object because she knows that there's a lot more to her than that - she wants people to see beyond her appearance, and she only grows closer to the two men when she believes that they respect her as a person. It's one reason why she didn't want to be married off to whichever wizard came froward - if she's going to commit to a relationship, it has to be based on something more meaningful.

I hadn't thought too much about that curse (oops), but I like the idea of it being the ancient precursor to Avada Kedavra. Since it's the daemon who cast it, I'm not sure if it's a "spell" per se, but it has much the same effect as the killing curse.

Thank you so much for this wonderfully long review! ^_^

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