Reading Reviews From Member: ad astra
  
342 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ad astraBetween Takes: Episode 1: Location, Location

11th February 2016:
yes yes yes yes yes

i am in love with this entire concept already

so much love

and omg the forced het ship in the show every single fan of every single tv show ever knows this pain. i commend you for including it

i love this and you're great

Author's Response: yes yes yes thank youu

This idea smacked me in the face and demanded to be written, and I'm thrilled to hear you approve :D

hahah, that'll definitely be an element that I'll be poking at here.

no you're great.


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Review #2, by ad astraTessellate: The Beginning

10th February 2016:
i love this

i love this so much

i love it a lot

this is such a pointless review i'm sorry but the takeaway is that i am HERE FOR THIS. SO HERE FOR THIS. QUEER GENIUSES YAS

Author's Response: Elisabeth this is not pointless at all getting a review from you made my week!! Seriously you have no idea how much I love your writing and how much it's helped me so I am very very excited that you're enjoying this story!!

Hope it doesn't disappoint. :) I'm modeling a lot of the found family-ness of Lucy and her crew around your stories, tbh, so hopefully it works out.

(Spoiler alert: Lucy and Alexandria aren't the only queer characters.)

Thanks for the review and the favorite!! It means a lot to me. :)))

--J


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Review #3, by ad astraWelcome to the LC: welcome to my flat/that time camille went insane with a toothbrush

4th February 2016:
hello elise i am terrible at reviewing but i just need you to know that this is my favourite story right now and i'm so glad i put it on my mental to-read list because i just. i love this a lot already and i cannot wait for you to update it ok you're amazing and this is great

Author's Response: I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE THIS

thank you. like seriously. it's so wonderful to get a review from someone you hardcore fangirl over.


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Review #4, by ad astraIgnotia: Ignotia

30th December 2015:
Laura.

Laura.

i don't think i could ever put into words how amazing this story is or how absolutely touched i am that you dedicated it to me, or even the sheer fact that a historiographical one-shot about nineteenth century queer witches written by the most talented author i know is a thing that exists. but this is a story that i will come back to and reread and treasure so much and i am really emotional right now.

i've mentioned in reviews before how much i love the way you evoke the era and setting you're writing in, and this setting and era is like your second home. everything feels so beautiful and real and almost tangible, and it's the reason i will always love your writing - you have an unparalleled ability to bring the past to life.

god, this story is everything. the ladies' ladies, the academic and social circles, Bathilda's dedication to history, Livia's passion for untold stories - i want to immerse myself in the world of this story permanently. and the cameos of Albus and Gellert, especially Gellet's fascination with Albus's academic work - i just adore everything about this story, and i'm probably sounding like a stuck record by this point i'm sorry

People are not what they seem, they change: twisting into things we do not quite recognise as the figures we were taught about; goodness becomes far too simple, far too pure a label to give them. In turn, evil becomes nicer, sweeter, more understandable than we thought – we see monsters become men, and we cannot hate them as we used to. i love this so much. so much. especially the second part, about monsters becoming men, and what a beautiful way to describe it

this story honestly couldn't have come at a better time because the prospect of postgrad and my thesis is so incredibly daunting right now but you've just reminded me of why i'm studying history and why i love it and why it matters and i just love this story so so so much

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Review #5, by ad astraBreathe: i. Consequence

29th December 2015:
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY CISHET FAVE, SIRIUS BLACK

(i'm sorry i had to)

(i'll read and review this properly one day i promise)

Author's Response: elisabeth i'm cackling

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Review #6, by ad astraBarbs at the Tail: The Unprecedented Event

21st December 2015:
I MISSED OUT ON FIRST REVIEW DAMMIT

i enjoyed this chapter! it is a bit filler-y but i'm glad to see Oscar with a chance at happiness and i love how the roles have been reversed now and the comment about Oscar moving from theory to practice. and Brandon, being useless on the advice front and just regurgitating things that Oscar's told him in the past.

Oscar’s adventure in dating might be enough of a relationship for both of them to handle i kind of love them. these losers can only handle one of them being in a relationship at any given time. the other always has to be the sage advisor. the wingman. the shoulder to cry on. what a dynamic duo

i love this new headcanon that in lieu of flirting Brandon just sidles up to people he finds attractive, slips them a business card, and says "can i buy you a drink? i'm an Auror". he got game

Author's Response: but you got second!! (okay, you were 2 of 2 but still.)

I love that you have headcanon about Brandon. I mean, it's like he's moved into a space that real characters go into. :D :D

hahaha, they are two losers who can only juggle one relationship at a time. I didn't think of it like that but it's totally true. I kind of like to think that half of the wisdom Brandon shows with Albus and other people is recycled information from Oscar. Let that sink in :P

Oscar's relationship will be an interesting thing to observe. it might also be painful (i'm sorry).

thank you for your awesome review!!

-Rose


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Review #7, by ad astraEsse Quam Videri: Me.

20th December 2015:
KEVIN HELLO.

i don't review you very often so I apologise in advance for my all-over-the-place caps and general refusal to adhere to standard grammar rules but God I don't know why I don't read you all the time, this is phenomenal stuff and you've done such an amazing job with it.

you covered so much material and so many issues in this piece and it's a real testament to your skill and insight. i love the direction you chose to take this - having Dom in St Mungo's, refusing to co-operate with the Healers, even touching on the issues of consent and the legal requirements of the hospital to find out what's wrong with her. all the elements of this - Polyjuice poisoning, Dom turning into Vic, the reactions of her family, the secrecy - combine into a really compelling piece. The fact that her parents just settled the bill and left - it's heartbreaking, but it's also far more realistic than any kind of confrontation with her would have been. i hope they come around and come to terms with her identity, but so many parents of queer kids fail in the immediate first moments when their kids need support the most.

This is such a brilliant story, Kevin - intelligent, thoughtfully written and sensitive. Beautifully done.

Author's Response: HOWDY ELISABETH!

There's no need at all to apologize for not adhering to convention! I just appreciate the review!

The story's genesis was quite interesting for me personally because when I saw the challenge I knew it was immediately one I wanted to take part in both to push my boundaries as a writer and educate myself as a human being because while we seem to hear so much about people that identify as LGBTQA and what that means from mass media these days, there seem to be quite a number of rebuttals put forth that dismiss certain outlets' coverage as inaccurate or stereotyping or both.

With that (and my original seed idea of polyjuice poisoning) in mind, I tried to set out to touch on a lot of the major issues that I know exist - the challenges of coming out, the preference for secrecy over that in many because of fear of reactions and reprisals among other things, and then tried to feather in other things that sprung to mind from my "legal" angle as a lawyer.

Honestly, by the end, I wasn't sure how it had all come out (I seem to feel that way a lot about my writing), but I am very glad to hear that you thought I handled it effectively and most importantly thoughtfully and with the appropriate sensitivity. I know I certainly learned a lot through the pre-writing and even trying to put myself in Dom's place to write the story and for that I'll be forever thankful.


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Review #8, by ad astraBarbs at the Tail: The Self-Inflicted Wound

19th December 2015:
ROSE HELLO

“Then I came home to find that my best friend had been replaced by a ghoul…” i love oscar. he's my fave. my witty sarcastic fave

wounded Puffskein is an amazing image. aren't Puffskeins essentially full-sized Pygmy Puffs? this is beautiful. brandon savage - fearless Auror. puffskein. a man of many facets

"God you’re such a martyr, dying of a self-inflicted wound." DAMN. damn i love this line. this is such a standout line. give yourself a pat on the back for this line

i'm ignoring how sad i am for Brandon because Oscar/Brandon friendship feels are just. they're the salve for my wounded soul. love it

Author's Response: You've kind of quoted my favorite lines from this chapter and that is very very exciting for me. :D The puffskein line makes me giggle just because I can imagine Brandon diong a cute pouty face when he refutes that. Also, yes, he is a complicated man.

The martyr line - well, if there's any point where Oscar is speaking with my voice, that's it. I mean, it's my "viewing Brandon with the worst possible light" line.

Focus on the friendship! it's the happiest part of this for a while. gah.

thank you so much!!
-Rose


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Review #9, by ad astraBarbs at the Tail: The Interesting Development

17th December 2015:
AHH ROSE ROSE ROS E ROSE i am FINALLY HERE god bless belkin tech support


I LOVE THIS. I LOVE THIS EVEN MORE THAN THE FIRST CHAPTER you've really settled into the dynamic of their friendship and how close they are, and the flashback with Oscar's dad was so good! sarcastic teenage boys and uncomfortable conversations with parents and just the way they reacted to the questions gosh i love it i love all of it

and i really love how you've dealt with ace things here - so many ace people are worried about finding someone who's okay with being in a nonsexual relationship, and the whole conversation really shows how strong the friendship is and how concerned Brandon is with being sensitive

also, BRANBUS. i feel SO BAD for Brandon knowing the chronology of your verse and what lies ahead for him but at least i can take comfort in the fact that it's endgame?? or at least it seems to be?? i don't trust you at all but i will hold onto this

So Oscar was prepared to pick up the pieces, eventually. Just like he always had. do you know what you did to me with this line? everything. it is beautiful and heartwarming but also bittersweet and the foreshadowing god the foreshadowing but i'm mainly just very emotional about the importance of friendships

this story gives me life it's now officially my happy place. gonna come back and reread it like all the time

Author's Response: Elisabeth!!! bless the tech

I'M SO HAPPY YOU LIKED THIS CHAPTER. I WAS SO NERVOUS FOR YOU TO READ IT. Writing their sarcasm was the best thing about that chapter for me. I needed that sarcasm in my life.

I wasn't sure if that aspect of relationships would be interesting to read about. I mean, it's been a thing i've spent time thinking about so I'm not surprised it came out in my writing. Brandon is both trying to be sensitive but only having marginal success.

You should never trust me. I do have two end games for branbus and one of them does not end well at all for anyone.

I can't help but foreshadow here. I mean, it's like the anti-spoiler. Maybe a feels primer? Dunno. Friendships are what this is all about and they'll go through a lot before it's over.

LOVE!


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Review #10, by ad astraBarbs at the Tail: The Boss' Son

13th December 2015:
ROSE ROSE ROSE ROSE ROSE

OKAY YOU KNOW HOW TRASH I AM FOR YOUR VERSE AND FOR BRANDON AND I JUST. I'M ALL ABOUT THIS CONCEPT. FRIENDSHIPS!! MISSING MOMENTS!! BRANDON SAVAGE!!

anyway

“Don't be coy, Bran,” Oscar laughed. “You're here early, drinks at the ready… clearly you have a pressing matter to discuss.” i love this line. i love how he just knows. dish the goss, Savage. you're not fooling anyone

idk why it warms my heart so much to see Brandon talking about Albus and thinking about Albus, but I'm just so far gone for this ship and it gives me life.

the way you've set up this friendship is beautiful and natural and so believable. i love Oscar. what an adorable, thoughtful bean. oscar appreciation 2k15/16

"sleeping with the Grindylows" is my new favourite weird wizarding variant on common turns of phrase

you are wonderful, thank you for posting this i have missed this verse more than I ever realised

Author's Response: lisa!

You know i'm trash for writing this universe? to think people believed I could actually kill brandon - ha. I like him too much.

Oscar def. knows what's what when it comes to Brandon. It's fun for me to write Brandon when he's not the wiser, more mature person we see when he's with Albus.

Writing their friendship is my new favorite thing. Seriously. Oscar is really fun and very sassy. like sass x10

thank you for your excitement and review


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Review #11, by ad astraCloset Trash: Closet Trash

23rd November 2015:
TAMMI. THIS IS LITERALLY CALLED CLOSET TRASH I AM SO HAPPY

okay can we just talk about this line Sure, they didn’t exactly hate each other, and if Albus was on fire and Scorpius had a glass of water he was sure that he would only drink half of it, and then use the rest to put the flames out. bc i nearly died i love it how beautiful

oh my god i just

i appreciate this so much tammi you have no idea this is so good this is everything i want in a garbage closet make out fic i can't keep quoting lines back at you but the snark, the banter, the tension i'm so alive. this is a gift. i mean obviously it's a gift for julie but it's also a gift to the entire universe

"these closets aren't going to inspect themselves"

tammi i am crying what an ending. bed inspectors. leave me here to die i love these boys so much

you're an angel ty for existing

Author's Response: I knew that you would enjoy the title :D hahahah

I loved that line haha it just screamed those two at me! So I'm glad that you loved it too!

Aw yay! I need to write more like this, it was so much fun to write. Garbage closet make out fics are now something that I am trash for!

Thankk you so much!


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Review #12, by ad astrasymbiotic.: ii. the building-up {or} the starting gun

21st November 2015:
emily emily emily oh my god i??? love?? this??? so much

i'm a proud student of the emily feathers bookdinosaur school of reviewing and for that reason i'm going to just throw your own words back at you and just yell about how amazing they are bc can we talk about this bit for a moment ok

Maybe it started with his stupid sleight-of-hand tricks, or her manipulations of the other children. Maybe it was a race they were made to run from the moment they came into the world. Maybe they were made this way, crafted so that there was only one, inevitable, outcome.

one inevitable outcome

one inevitable outcome emily you know how to destroy me sweet damn

oh my god oh my god what is this

he waits until they are alone in a wide corridor with no paintings as witnesses to talk, and this is the reason she’s so close to him; it is more chilling for him to hear this from her as she is nestled into his side compared to if she was levitating him across the corridor. Everything is calculated. “Your arms will sleep first. Then your feet, then your legs. If you don’t get an antidote soon enough your brain will sleep as well, and you will die because your heart and lungs will stop.”

god this is so good this is so so good i am just

so impressed

right now

i don't even have the words you do this so damn well the one inevitable outcome YAS

“Poison,” he says again, smiling at her. “How like a girl.” LEAVE ME HERE TO DIE. SHE'S USING A WEAPON HISTORICALLY ATTRIBUTED TO WOMEN BUT SHE'S USING HIS OWN SUBJECT AGAINST HIM AT THE SAME TIME. SWEET DAMN

ily emily this is a masterpiece and i am so ALIVE

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Review #13, by ad astrasymbiotic.: i. the beginning {or} the foundation stages

19th November 2015:
emily oh gosh you wrote me a story i'm so happy and it's about messed up dark twins ilysm

do you know what i love about your writing

well i mean i love so much about your writing but do you know what stands out to me about your writing every time i read anything you've written? your versatility and how you can write bantz-filled parody fic one moment and then something like this the next, which just seems like such a masterpiece of storytelling and i can't even describe why? and even though its AU it fits so perfectly into canon, into what we know about Merope Gaunt and the orphanage and Tom himself and you just make them come alive

you create this haunting picture so perfectly and so slowly and almost without even letting it seem creepy at all, it's just stella and her brother playing and practicing their special skills except they're dancing with death all the time, they're revelling in it, and they just feed off each other and i'm so alive

oh my god “Hurting them without touching them" this line just gave me chills. they're so proud. this is where their ambitions lie. to manipulate, to control, to strip away agency in whatever way they can

i just. i love this so much. i'm so happy you wrote this for me and your writing is perfect ily

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Review #14, by ad astraIn April: you lie.

23rd July 2015:
erin this hurts so much

it's a really difficult thing to make a reader feel so much in just 500 words but my heart is absolutely breaking and this whole story just hit me so hard. it's that raw desperation which just kills me. you can feel the love in this story, and the grief and the sense of loss, and it's so short but it packs such a punch.

You exist in Spring, in the midst of showers, in the fragrance of petals that carry your very essence. And you resonate within me. i want to marry this line. i don't know what the rest of the context was in the anime you pulled the you exist in spring bit from but there's no doubt in my mind that it would pale in comparison to what you've done with it here. And you resonate within me is just stunning and perfect and an incredible note to leave on.

i can't believe you wrote this so quickly it's incredible and poignant and it hurts so much

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Review #15, by ad astraLoving Luna: Loving Luna

19th July 2015:
Georgia dear, here with your requested review (and sorry I took so long getting to it!)

Regarding your area of concern - I think you've done a really good job writing Luna exploring her sexuality, and particularly the passage about queer and how it relates to Luna's identity - it's a lovely piece of characterisation for her as well as capturing an important part of the queer experience. The structure you've chosen works really well with the content, and i love the way you run through each 'relationship' Luna has and build up a rich picture of her romantic and sexual experiences.

As you mentioned, you moved away from the theme of seeing Luna through the eyes of people who fall in love with her - it doesn't detract from the story at all or the overall theme of Luna's self-discovery, but the switch partway through to a more Luna-focused point of view makes the story as a whole seem slightly inconsistent - if you were to revise this story at all, I'd suggest you try and balance each relationship covered in the story with both partners' perspectives. the Stella/Luna segment in particular focuses a lot more on Luna than earlier segments, so balancing it with more of Stella's perspective would really help with the concept you're going for, without losing the "Luna finds herself" theme you've developed alongside it.

a couple of other notes on terminology - transexual in the Layla segment is an outdated term, and you should revise it to transgender. and when Rolf comes out to Luna, it would be better for him to say he's transgender, or "assigned female at birth" (AFAB) rather than that he was born with a female body - these are the terms preferred by the transgender community.

Overall, I think you've done a really admirable job with this story and it fits in so well with what we know of Luna from the canon - you've characterised her flawlessly here, and everything she says and does really rings true. Luna's a difficult character to get right, but you've not only captured her essence but enriched her character and made her far more three-dimensional than she was in the books. This whole piece has a lovely air of self-discovery, openness and acceptance, and it was a real pleasure to read.

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Review #16, by ad astrapaper cranes: letters to a (dead) sweetheart

18th July 2015:
emily

i haven't reviewed this?? i don't know what i was thinking?? i read it and cried over it and i'm pretty sure i yelled at you about giving me feels and i didn't review it?? i am trash i'm sorry but you, my dear, you are a goddess for writing this

but anyway, this is some of your best writing and it's just. so. heartbreaking and poignant. Dean's visit absolutely kills me and how Ted gave Dean the chance to lead the life he's leading with Seamus and i just.

i'm overcome

and the cranes why you gotta do this to me emily this was cruel

and the interspersing of ted and andromeda's relationship at hogwarts and the way that developed and andromeda's gradual shift away from her family's values and towards ted with her letters to him after he was gone i'm just. you built up this absolutely beautiful picture of them when they were young and it was the two of them against the world, and then the snapshots of their life together that andromeda remembers in her letters and the melancholy and the wistfulness of her letters to him - it's such a rich relationship and you manage to create and destroy them all at once

can we talk about the way you end this story for a sec because

Instead the sun is shining and there are barely any clouds in the sky, and the dishes are happily washing themselves in the sink, and Andromeda buries her her head in her hands and lets the tears run down her face.

this is just so.perfect?? because it hits her when everything should be going okay, the sun is shining and the world is continuing on like usual and there's nothing special about that moment, but she just breaks because she realises, properly, that he's gone and he's not coming back, and she's left alone

the structure of this is just so good and you have such incredible lines in here and it's just beautiful and melancholic and utterly heartfelt and i need a moment

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Review #17, by ad astraFake-Fake-Dating: one.

18th July 2015:
AW YISS. EMILY'S MADCAP NEXT GEN ROMPS. I'M SO EXCITED

He says Louis in the French-affected and vaguely offended way which always makes Louis think of his mother this is a fantastic mental image. i like to think of all the weasley cousins gathered together at christmas or w/e mimicking fleur's accent and then pretending innocence when she glares at them and asks what's going on

“What do I do?” Louis asked, dragging out the last o, feeling as though he was shouting into the void.

A moment later, the void answered through the mortal form of Freddy Weasley.
i love you. that's all i need to say about these lines here. i love you and your humour and just...this *gestures to all of you*

FAKE DATING. BE STILL MY HEART

“You know I was nearly Sorted into Slytherin,” he said, fortifying himself with another drink and then dissolving into mutters of how his moral compass was disintegrating. what are you saying about us snakes and our moral compasses, Feathers

This is a very complicated plan. I'm so proud of us. this sounds like something we have said, to each other, probably more than once. how much have i inspired this madcap romp

am i first? please let me be first by all the gods on olympus

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Review #18, by ad astraMorningstar: Watching You Fall

16th July 2015:
ROSE. I AM HERE IT IS TIME god help me

okay i need to take a moment because despite my BEST EFFORTS i have TEARS. THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. MY SOUL IS A COLD DARK ABYSS. I AM UNTOUCHABLE. except when you sink my OTP in the cruellest of ways, Rose. the cruellest. how dare you go canon on me i am upset

you and i both know why i'm here. it's not for the review. it's not for carefully thought out, coherent feedback. it's for the tears. you wrote this for the tears. you thrive on them. you collect them like bounty. i am simply paying my dues.

I watch in a lonely vigil each wax and wane, knowing that your light will never shine for me again. do you know what this was? this was RUDE.

(real talk for a sec?? this is some of your best writing and you are nailing the imagery and the beautiful poignant lines in this piece but don't for a second think i've forgiven you because you used pretty prose to ruin me.)

i have always pointedly and steadfastedly ignored the fact that Sirius would have watched Remus fall for Tonks and now? i can't unsee it? tragedy is everywhere and my life as i know it is over?

you are a cruel and merciless god.

Author's Response: Lisa!!

*hands chocolate*

I don't know if I can reply to this without flailing about.

I'm sure you can imagine *my* anguish as Remus/Tonks and Sirius/Remus are my two OTPs. My heart and brain have been struggling with this for ages. Anything I did to you, I've done to myself many times over.

Your toll has been accepted.

I BLAME YOU FOR THAT LINE - PUSHING ME TOWARDS THE CELESTIAL THEME.

Okay, I'm really really excited that you liked the imagery and poetic nature of this. While I was writing it I thought it was crap (mainly lacking narrative structure). You'll forgive me eventually. ;)

Just... avoid reading OotP for a while and you'll be okay.

Thank you for your tears and words.

-Rose


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Review #19, by ad astraInanimate Objects: where possible salvation reverts back to impossible salvation

15th July 2015:
EMILY.

i feel weird doing a requested review on a story you wrote for me and i should probably point out that i absolutely would have gotten to review this ANYWAY in my customary "quote things back to you and make dumb comments about it" style but i also appreciate your enthusiasm for my review thread. also, how do you Properly Seriously Review a parody?? who knows but this probably won't be a Proper Serious Review

okay so first off your area of concern was levels of crackiness and whether this fic has too much crack, whether it can stand some more crack, and i suppose in general just a positive reading from my Certified Crack-O-Meter.

the Certified Crack-O-Meter says you're sitting at Chipped Porcelain, which is a step up from Slightly Chipped Porcelain and not quite as bad as Cracked Porcelain (see what I did there?) and certainly a long way off from Smashed Porcelain. let's deconstruct the porcelain for a moment

there's kind of a fine line to walk when writing parody that runs along the edges of Funny and Just Ridiculous and you manage to stick to the Funny side without toppling headfirst, limbs windmilling, into Just Ridiculous. it's a difficult balance to strike and you do it admirably - though if i had any crit about the crackiness/ridiculousness levels it would probably be that both 'smashed' and 'porcelain' have stopped looking like real words. also, i'd like to hereby start a petition for a spinoff featuring a heavy metal band called Smashed Porcelain. i think they'd be...wait for it...smashing.

It was June’s required reading two years ago. this is my favourite line in the entire chapter. i hope i'm not doing a disservice to the rest of the fantastic lines in this chapter but this one is just perfect because of the mental images of Candelabra & Co. sitting down in front of a roaring fire at Death Eater Book Club asking each other "so now what did you think of Virgil's characterisation in Canto V? having read the Eclogues I felt it was somewhat OOC." bless you for this imagery gift

i love this and i love you. stay classy

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Review #20, by ad astraA Study in Silver: Prologue: The Lodger

15th July 2015:
Hey Roisin! Here for your requested review - and thank you for being my first request, I hope I can live up to expectation!

Firstly, looking at your areas of concern - you're right, this is a long chapter. That's not a problem in itself because your writing is engaging enough that it doesn't drag on, but if you were to split the chapter I would do it after Perry introduces himself as a consulting Auror and make the first chapter a prologue - it's enough to hook the reader into the story and encourage them to keep reading, and making it a prologue instead of a full chapter means you can get away with having a much lower word count without making your chapter lengths too inconsistent, if that makes sense? When it comes to story structure i'm very pro-prologue (that looks terrible written down) so I'm probably coming at this with a bit of a bias, but that's my two cents anyway

as for spelling/grammar derps - this is a pretty polished chapter, but I'll drop off a few that I found:
tennant should be tenant
Twenty eight years old should be hyphenated
victorian roofs Victorian should be capitalised
radiating off of him - should be radiating off him
heavy-footfalls - you don't need this hyphenated

As for general impressions on your writing style: this entire chapter is rich in detail and your writing flows really well. One thing I would suggest watching out for, though, is that you have a slight tendency to overuse descriptors - it's not enough to detract from the story and for the most part your use of language perfectly reflects the tone and atmosphere of the chapter, but in some occasions you let adjectives, adverbs and specific or emotive verbs pile up in a sentence, and these could be better balanced with more common words - stacking up descriptors can lessen the impact of them and weaken the image rather than strengthen it.

Overall, though, this is an excellent first chapter and if I wasn't coming at it with a view to do a full on, crit-heavy review I doubt I'd find any problems with it. Your worldbuilding and attention to detail is absolutely a credit to you as a writer, and I don't come across many stories that have fleshed out wizarding society as thoroughly and believably as you have here. There were so many moments I had reading this of "wow, that's an amazing piece of detail" and I'm particularly impressed by your construction of the luxury, higher-income lifestyle that Roxanne is used to, and the realities of her giving that up - especially when she's considering all the galleons she's thrown away on coffee and other luxuries over the years. I also really appreciated the legislation surrounding Mugglebaiting and its classification as a potential war crime - that shows an incredible depth of perception regarding the impact of the war on society.

You've done an amazing job on this first chapter and you've obviously put a lot of time and thought into it. this story is already a credit to the effort you make with your writing and I'm really looking forward to seeing what you do with it. Feel free to re-request anytime!

P.S i loved the shoutout to The Fred Weasley Memorial Scholarship in here and especially the "Merlin Help Us" addendum, it kinda made my night so thank you!

Author's Response: OH MY GOD LISA WHAT IS THIS SORCERY!?!?! How is it that you got to this SO FAST and wrote a review SO EXCELLENT!

Your idea to split the chapter after Perry introduces himself is BRILLIANT AND PERFECT AND I AM GOING TO DO THAT NOW! LIKE... RIGHT NOW. YES. Way to be a guardian angel and answer to my every prayer! I literally (literally) don't think I can thank you enough!

Also--so much thanks for help with the grammar derps!

I totally see what you mean about descriptors. Writing in a different style, especially humor, was certainly a learning experience. I gave myself a bit more license with adverbs for this genre, but I think you're right that the language would benefit from being reined in--especially when it isn't for comedic effect. (I'm also trying to balance tagging my dialogue better)

As I'm sure I've mentioned at some point, I've worked a lot around social justice issues and things--even working in the office of a legislator and on a political campaign--so I had a crazy amount of fun nerding out about political climes and postwar stuff :D HP is basically a political text to me, and my reading of it is very focused on the sociopolitical aspects (which is why my fics are SUH MUCH COMMENTARY).

And YAY, I'm glad you dug the shout out! With my first fic, a lot of people noticed how much canon and pottermore-side-canon I wove in and nodded to, but that was largely because I wrote it before EVER having read any FF. Now that I have, I can't NOT nod to and meta with other stories (especially when they become my headcanon).

Seriously, Lisa, you are amazing and this review is my everything.

THANK YOU!
xoxo
Roisin




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Review #21, by ad astraPain Makes You Beautiful: Rated Mature for themes and content.

12th July 2015:
House Cup 2015 Review - Slytherin

This story absolutely kills me. I've seen a lot of people talking about it on the forums but what you've done here just surpasses all expectations and it's easily the best Wolfstar I've ever read (and I read a lot of Wolfstar so I don't say that lightly)

Your characterisation of both Sirius and Remus is perfect. You've gone into so much more depth with their characters than anything I normally see and it's gutwrenching. I live for this stuff it's amazing

There are two kinds of scars. The ones that bind us together, and the ones that leave a gulf between us. I don’t know what Remus does to me, but I like it. Too much, I think. this line is so perfect and it sums up their entire dynamic so well, because Remus and Sirius are a broken, falling apart mess and I can't get over the characterisation here. I think people have a tendency to skim over how cold and distant Remus can be - I suppose because he's so easily idealised - but you have him down in this story.

And Pete. He uses words that I love, like 'mates' and 'good times' and 'always'. He brings up Remus, and I shake. He asks when we can all be together again, and I break.

He’s eager. Eyes wide. Grinning and nodding like I’m giving him the world.
You manage to solve one of the greatest mysteries of the entire series - why Sirius made him Secret-Keeper, why nobody suspected his duplicity, in only a few key lines and I feel like I'm becoming a stuck record here but your portrayal of these boys at crisis point is so unbelievably well done. You take the canon and you enrich it beyond compare and I am just in awe of this piece.

10/10, phenomenal writing.

Author's Response:

Hi!

One of the things I wanted to accomplish with this story is highlight the absolute defeat that Sirius felt when Peter betrayed them all. The Marauders to me seemed like a very tight-knit group, each relying on one another for something that was otherwise lacking in their lives. Betrayal itself is ugly. Beyond that though, Sirius needed reasons to make the choices he did. Deep, painful reasons. I think that's where this story came from.

I hated writing this kind of language, but to get what I wanted, I just had to allow Sirius to express himself in the basest way possible. I really REALLY wanted to censor him, but if I had, this wouldn't be what it is.

Thank you for your kind words and letting me know that I hit the mark with this. It's not the stuff I usually write.

Pix


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Review #22, by ad astraGame On: Wotter Twister - UnluckyStar57 - Ravenclaw

6th July 2015:
House Cup 2015 Review - Slytherin

Mallory i am back and this story is fabulous as per usual (also there needs to be a written short form of 'usual' because it is important for my effortlessly cool online persona)

Wotter Twister with Elasticity Potion is a grand idea i love it and As they were now fourth years, their cousins deemed it “safe enough” for them to drink the potion and participate “without any long-lasting developmental effects.” look at james and the other older lot looking after the wee babies what a responsible young man he is

Molly, in the meantime, was gracefully posing as she perched on her dots. All that yoga really worked to her advantage, as did her preternatural grace (only bestowed by the Wizard Gods on the Hogwarts Head Students). i love this how do you characterise so efficiently in a single one-shot

“I shoplift like a professional,” Molly said immediately. “And I’m not ashamed. I just never bothered to tell anyone.” exhibit b. i love molly

this was a radbuckets read and i will be back to peruse your other HC stuff at my leisure

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Review #23, by ad astraGame On: Learning to Fly - BookDinosaur - Ravenclaw

6th July 2015:
House Cup 2015 Review - Slytherin

Ah, Gilderoy. no recollection of anything of any worth but still painfully aware of your alleged attractiveness and your fanclub, bless him and his persistent arrogance

Naturally, this was a very quick time, as Gilderoy was a beautifully fast learner. In no time he could become a professional flyer, he thought happily to himself. some things never change

Gilderoy Lockhart woke up, stretched, and closed his eyes against the sunlight that was falling against his face. It felt warm, and nice and all that, but he’d read somewhere that sunlight wrinkled skin, and that was the last thing that Gilderoy wanted. Really, would his fan club stick around if he had wrinkles in his skin? No, of course they wouldn’t. He tugged the curtain around his bed shut. is it bad that my first thought was that he'd turned into a vampire and closely followed by the thought that maybe vampires are just really aggressive about their anti-ageing skincare regimes and not bloodsucking supernatural beings after all

He hadn’t seen his reflection in a mirror because they wouldn’t let him have one of his own, but that was alright because he knew he looked amazing. is this because the Mungo's staff have realised he's the twentieth century reincarnation of Narcissus and that if he looks at himself in the mirror he'd waste away in front of it bc tbh i will accept no other explanation

“Gladys Gudgeon,” he read off the card, “sends her regards.” good Godric, Gilderoy, that woman is going to get her political allies to kill you at your own wedding

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Review #24, by ad astraGame On: Names - BookDinosaur - Ravenclaw

6th July 2015:
House Cup 2015 Review - Slytherin

you've done it you've made me foghorn laugh out of nowhere and i'm not sure if that's a step up from the teary-eyed cackling i was doing earlier but it's a milestone and you wanna know the culprit

“Look, Donald,” he said gently. “Just because you were Puddlemere United doesn’t mean that we can go around naming our team Puddlemere Divided –”


“I know that,” Donald said irritably. “That’s why I suggested Puddlemare Divided, not Puddlemere United.”
ole Donnie's a bit of a hard case i love him

i also like how Donald's the only one who actually has a name. it fits with the nameless motif you've got going on. very artistic. and of course there's the irony because the nameless girl gives the nameless team a name while Donald the Named fails in naming the nameless team

hello i'm lisa and i haven't slept

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Review #25, by ad astraGame On: Chess Tournaments - BookDinosaur - Ravenclaw

6th July 2015:
House Cup 2015 - Slytherin

Emily Feathers BookDinosaur

(read this in a stern motherly tone in lieu of your actual full name which is probably only known to god himself and, at a stretch, the australian government)

what is this what is this it was a perfectly normal fic of Ludo Bagman being a bit of a wasp-obsessed loser and chess not being very interesting and then you finish with this

Next year, he thought, I’m going to have them play chess on a table of wasps while the national anthem plays in the background and a tear of patriotic pride runs down the face of the wasp-mascot.

?

i'd like to submit an outsider's vote for this line to win SOTM Best Quote (i can totally do that right i'm like an expat casting a special vote from overseas?? anyway) because like. can we just take a moment to appreciate the sheer aesthetic of this scene and the number of questions it raises, including but not limited to
1) how does one make a table of wasps. are they bound together by some invisible force, is it magic, how much freedom of movement do these wasps have
2) does the wizarding world have their own national anthem and if so, what is it? if not, how much do wizards acknowledge the british monarchy? do they even understand the concept of a monarchy do they know what they are singing
3) is the wasp-mascot ludo and if not, how much would he have to pay someone to dress up as a wasp and cry on cue
4) Bees?

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