I love reading stories about the Death Eaters -- and here, you most definitely did not disappoint. There's a lot more to most of them in that the seeming evil on the surface masks a lot of hidden emotions, and I think you nailed that really well with Fenrir Greyback in this first story. Interestingly enough, he's probably one of the Death Eaters I myself haven't explored as far as his motivations are concerned, but I think you tackled them adeptly.
It just makes a lot of sense to me that one of the things that would most drive him to be such a vicious werewolf was loneliness. Remus always had his friends, the Order, and Tonks, and never needed to create werewolves for fear of being lonely if he didn't. His parents didn't kick him out of the house; Dumbledore didn't kick him out of school. But if the circumstances were different, it's not at all hard to believe that he might have ended up something a bit like Greyback.
I also really liked how the story ended, too; it's like we saw a breaking down of this man's tough exterior. At the beginning of the story he was untouchable, invincible... and by the end he knew indubitable fear, perhaps for the first time ever. In one thousand words you turned him from a monstrous beast into something human. And that's really a fantastic accomplishment!
Your writing style in this story fit the actual events very well, too. It was detached, but not detached enough for the reader to feel disinterested in the story. I actually really found myself enjoying this, and before too long I'd love to return and read the other two installments. If you've written them to be anything like this one, I already know they'll be great commentaries on hidden natures of characters that pretty much all get painted with the same brush in the books.
Thank you for asking me to read this! I'm not sure I'd ever have read it otherwise, and then I'd have missed out on a good piece of writing. Here's hoping I get the chance to return before too long! :) Report Review
Hello, Cassie! :) It's been far, far too long since I've read any of your writing, but this story was such a lovely piece to return to. I'm very interested in stories about minor characters, and I'm almost certain I've never before read any story that centers around Mary Cattermole. There's a first time for everything, though, and I'm glad my first story of hers could be yours!
I thought your style of writing was very lovely in this, and there were next to no grammatical mistakes, too -- this flowed very well! Not everyone can fit a story into less than a thousand words like you've done, but this didn't seem lacking in anything. I liked how the first and last parts of the one-shot were mirrored with descriptions of puffs of air, because that made the whole thing feel more joined together. And your dementor descriptions were incredibly canon -- I loved the line about how Mary's happy memory temporarily suspended their chilling effect. I thought that was a really nice touch!
You really captured her emotions well too, I think. I've never before given much thought to her apart from the scene we see in the courtroom, but now it's almost heartbreaking, knowing that Ron's impersonation of Reg meant that he couldn't be there for his wife. Of all the people he could have disguised himself as... But then again, the family was probably somewhat spared because of the trio's intervention. (Now you've got me thinking more about them than I ever have before!)
I'm really glad you steered me in the direction of this one-shot. :3 I enjoyed reading it very much! I think you've done an excellent job here, and look forward to when I'll be back to your page for more. Report Review
YOU KILLED HER. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU KILLED HER. OHHH MY GOODNESS, YOU KILLED HER.
It is, of course, a brilliant explanation for how she got to be her canon self, and it sort of reminds me of how everyone transforms back to their human selves at the end of Beauty and the Beast, which again shows just how apt you are at putting spins on fairy tales and how you just need to keep doing that forever. But aside from all of that, I for some reason just had this feeling that you wouldn't kill her. Maybe that would have been the thing that had broken him, or at least helped to break him: The one that got away. But I suppose he's twisted enough without that, isn't he?
Forever jealous of the way you're able to sprinkle little hints and foreshadows throughout your story. I didn't even think to look up the meaning of begonia, but I love the meaning it has! AND THEN. Transforming Sprout into a begonia makes it almost like it's a warning for him, doesn't it? Because she's going to come back, even though he doesn't know it, and she's not gone for good and she'll fight against him. Maybe I'm reading into things, but I love the depth of your stories. I feel like I've said this before, but they are never just surface material. There is always more going on than meets the eye.
Also my heart was completely racing during that chase scene. I think it's got something to do with te fact that being chased, as you know, LITERALLY TERRIFIES ME OUT OF MY SKULL (tied with living dolls, I'll have you know), but also because you just write action and action-based emotions extremely well. That's something you proved in Run and I am so, so jealous of it. ♥
“Take as many pieces of me as you want. More will remain behind, I assure you.” -- FAVORITE LINE IN THE WHOLE CHAPTER. Holy cow, I got goosebumps. That sort of just puts it into perspective how freaking terrifying Tom Riddle actually was, because he was legitimately ensuring that he would never, ever, ever die, no matter how many people tried to kill him. Thank God some people actually tried to figure out what Horcruxes were, because oh my gosh, can you even imagine.
I am incoherent. Absolutely so. I adored this story, and I'm so sad it's over, and I don't want you to stop writing it. I want you to stay and write more things so I can write bad reviews for them and love your writing always.
♥ Report Review
Okay, Tom, you creepy bugger. I must confess that I was less attracted to him here and much more repulsed than normal, but then I expect that was the desired end result. Anyone attracted to someone who is basically a slave to an insane and murderous fever might need a CAT scan or three. And now that I'm thinking it on it, he probably seems less attractive because he's letting himself slip more and more as far as the front he's putting on goes. And bless her, when she's not under his little charms, she's starting to notice, too. That probably scares the heck out of him, the prospect of failure. Scratch that, I KNOW it scares the heck out of him. And so he goes all creepy and sweaty and diary-writing, and it makes me want to squirm.
I love how you're setting up Pomona to be Professor Sprout! It's still such an incongruous image in my mind, that, but mostly because the movies did a pretty good job of nailing my brain-image for how she was supposed to look, and somehow you've written romance into a person I never imagined as romantic. I sort of want to weep for her and pull her away from Tom and scream all sorts of warnings at her, but I am banking on what you said in your last review response about her being able to hold her own. I still actually have no idea whether you're going to make this completely AU or not (and I checked your genre tags after my last review and there was much gnashing of teeth to see you'd marked that down as one of them), so I am going to hold my breath and close my eyes and keep my fingers perpetually crossed until next Tuesday. ♥
DID HE ACTUALLY IMPERIO HER OR PUT A SPELL ON HER OR SOMETHING, THOUGH. Ugh, there is so much morally wrong with the Imperius Curse. That is probably the most horrible spell out there; Avada Kedavra is the kindest of the three Unforgivable Curses, absolutely. How anyone can think that being tortured out of your skull, or forced to do absolutely anything without your control, is less scary than a quick and painless death... That does not make sense to me. Being someone's puppet would be absolutely terrifying, puppet imagery aside.
At least Mafalda's got a brain in her head! Cutting, underhanded comments or not, she knows what's up, and she'd better steer Pomona away from Tom. Fast. Because she is just too innocent for bad things to happen to her. :(
Now that I have sufficiently hacked away in rambles for fifteen minutes, I'll spare you more headaches. LOVELY CHAPTER. ♥ And eeek, only one more to go! It doesn't feel like things should be wrapping up just yet. Where did time go?
♥Author's Response: I am going to pull something I have not done in a long time, because my brain is squishy.
I once had an owner who fled
Because he had business to tend
I now sit in a hut
With a slavering mutt
And groan under the weight of six men.
♥ Report Review
SO I TOTALLY READ THIS ON WEDNESDAY IN CLASS AND THOUGHT I HAD LEFT YOU A REVIEW ON THIS AND I AM JUST NOW DISCOVERING THAT I HAVEN'T. I told you this review was going to be late but oh my gosh, I didn't mean this late. I beg your forgiveness. ♥
I think the thing that strikes me most about this chapter is just how detached Tom is from basically being human -- which is a very canon quality, even though he's not nearly Lord Voldemort (yet). It makes me want to further explore him just because no one else has like this: What makes him tick, what he's thinking behind unreadable expressions. Lines like this:
But he knew, on an annoyingly conscious level, that most men did not have to think about the act of smiling before engaging in it.
That is CREEPY. And psychopathic, like you mentioned. I feel like when a lot of people write Riddle, or Voldemort, they forget the motivations behind him and just show a vapid, two-dimensional villain who's evil for the sake of being evil. And that's not who he is at all. Riddle knows exactly what he's doing and why he's doing it and how he's doing it, and that is scarier than a man who's lost control of his senses -- evil for the sake of evil -- any day.
And poor Pomona, being sucked in by it all -- but I do cheer for her at the spare moments when she does seem to notice that something is amiss. I have no idea if you're going to go AU or not, if Riddle's really going to make her bite the dust, but I'm sort of hoping not. Not just for the obvious reasons of not wanting characters to die, but think how that'd drive her in the canon days: Knowing who he is, and that he's back. That would add a whole new dimension to her character and I already want to read about her with that extra layer slapped on.
Adding in here that your last paragraph was absolutely horrific/wonderful, and that is one of the most gruesome images ever. AND THERE'S THE DIARY, I SEE IT. Ooh -- does Pomona die to create one of his Horcruxes, maybe?! Are you going completely AU? (Bloody teeth, oh my goodness, that is horrifying.)
Ugh. I am so, so sorry again for how long it took me to review this. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I FORGOT I HADN'T REVIEWED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. My brain is mush and I just want to go home and anyway. This was lovely. But I always expect the best from you, and you always deliver!Author's Response: WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LEAVE A REVIEW IN THE FIRST PLACE! ♥ Seriously, it's enough that you read it. (hug)
Now that I'm reading this review for the second or third time, it's struck me that I draw inspiration for Tom's detachment from the feeling I get after watching an episode of Mad Men. Which sounds insane. But I swear to God, every time I've finished watching an episode of that show I literally feel like I have no soul. (WHY DO I KEEP WATCHING) Some of the characters do such senselessly /bad/ things with no remorse whatsoever and their moral compass is like, nonexistent. I get an actual void in my brain from sitting through an hour of that and that void is what comes to mind when I regard Tom Riddle. Just an inhuman black pit whose only emotions are base, selfish, child-like ones: I want this, so I will say whatever I can to get it.
One-note villains who're bad just because they want to be bad don't interest me. Voldemort got a little less dimensional with age, I think, and from his horcruxes. But when he was young and we saw Dumbledore visit him at the orphanage, that's where you get that glimpse of what lurks beneath. And it's fascinating. The wardrobe on fire with a tin of stolen items, the boasting about the things he can do - his true self before he discovered that he'd let too much slip in his moment of excitement. He spent the next seven years glossing over those characteristics with practiced smiles and flattery, but it's all still there. Eeep, I just love it.
I can't remark on what will happen with Pomona, obviously, but she's got a little more strength and determination than she lets on. I'm very fond of her.
♥ You are the best. Report Review
Hello! Here for you from the review tag!
I'm not a huge fan of next generation and I don't read a lot of it, but I thought I'd give this story a try for you. You've set up quite an interesting premise for the story already and deftly skirted the arranged marriage issue, so bravo on that. :)
Your original character seems spunky and has a lot of character, and it's clear that you enjoy writing her -- which is always a good thing to be able to tell! I've never read someone quite like her, either, and uniqueness and originality are good things to have to set your character apart.
A thing I would comment on is that you do sometimes tend to overuse commas when they aren't needed. As an example:
The room, itself, is heavily decorated with antiques -- The word "itself" doesn't need to be separated by commas, and there a lot of similar instances throughout your story when you separate a single word with commas when you don't need to. Sometimes it is necessary, and it's a bit tricky to set out rules for when to use them and when not to. Commas are always tricky, and there are about a thousand and one rules on how to use them. Study the books you read and how the authors use commas in their writing there -- reading books is the best way to learn how to write yourself! It's how I did it.
The spaces for this chapter are also rather big, but I used to have that issue as well! Nothing a bit of formatting can't fix, but it's just something to be aware of.
Anyway! I hope this review has been of some help to you. :) And I'll be seeing you around!Author's Response: Heyy, thankyou soo much. I will surely take you up on the advise I have some comma issues to be honest :p
BUT IM SO GLAD THAT YOU LIKE MY CHARACTER cause she's who I am in real. It's kinda fun imagining yourself in such situations to be honest. And as you find her unique, *free cookies for you* :D
Thankyou once again.
Em Report Review
Oh, this was so pretty, Amanda! And there was a dark edge under it all that I loved even more, because dark stories draw me -- beautiful, but with a bite. It is a very fitting tone for the subject of the story, and I think you pulled it off really well, like you always do.
I don't know who this woman is in particular, and I feel like she's a character of your own invention, but I still felt like there was something about her I could relate to. We all have our moments, though, don't we? As little girls we're trained to grow up and achieve love and be satisfied with that, and some may argue but worlds of Disney movies and fairy tales say otherwise. When we don't rise to meet those expectations, a part of us feels as though we've failed. It's almost scary to know that this woman has to resort to drinking love potion in front of a mirror to feel worthy -- and it's an excellent commentary on society. How many real young women would do the same, if they had the means?
And going back to what I said about your imagery -- lovely, and right on point. ♥ There were a couple of lines in particular that stuck out to me:
I have never been told that I’m one of those girls who would be so pretty if she just took all that paint off her face, so I put it on thick -- This is heartbreaking and accurate, and I just... I've never been one of those girls, either. I tried not wearing mascara the other day and when I told someone I was a little tired, she said, "Yeah, you look tired." Something I am never, ever told when I'm wearing makeup. That line resonates with me, and it breaks my heart: A mask of makeup to hide real and imagined scars
My kitchen stinks of peppermint and roses -- Have you ever read Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut? The phrase "mustard gas and roses" is used a few times to describe the smell of the dead, and it's almost the same here, really. Not physically dead, obviously, but a deadening of emotions. Forced, unnatural love, because she can't love herself.
Maybe I'm reading too much into this story, or maybe what I found is exactly what you intended. Nonetheless, this is a lovely story, Amanda, and it's made me think more than a lot of other fan fiction stories I've read lately. Thank you for that! ♥ And thank you for your lovely review, too -- I hope to respond to it sooner, rather than later. Always such a pleasure to read a story of yours!Author's Response: Hi Rachel! Look at us, getting our exchange done right off the bat. I'm so proud :)
I actually had Lavender in mind when I wrote this, and I felt like she really embodies the height of that romantic sentiment you described. She's fallen victim to the idea that if you're a girl who's not pretty or not wanted, then you've really got nothing to offer the world and you'll be cast aside by everyone else. I thought of her consumption of the love potion as being akin to drinking or using drugs to numb the pain, except that it takes things one step further--she actually feels a drive to fall in love with herself because she thinks so little of her own value without the potion. As it is, she's stuck between being a werewolf and being a human, with no kin to call her own.
I don't get told as much very often, though I usually wear make-up, but I also feel sort of tired and unattractive when I don't put in that effort in the morning. I think we're conditioned to feel that way--it's the same thing if my hair isn't done or my outfit doesn't feel quite right. It's sad to think that Lavender really needs to cake it on to feel like a woman. Why should we have to apologize or make excuses for not looking immaculate?
I haven't read that--though my husband loved it--and for some reason your reference reminds me of imagery from The Hunger Games (probably the roses). Anyway, it's great that you picked that one out, because I like it, too. I think it conveys the idea that anyone else would be disgusted and overpowered by the extent of Lavender's effort to like herself, but for her, all of the drama and desperate measures are needed.
I do think you got at the heart of the story, and I'm pleased to hear you enjoyed it! I always strive to make people think, so that's good to hear. So glad you enjoyed my review as well, and know that I loved getting this one!
-Amanda Report Review
This is a pretty good beginning to your story! Your OC has a very unique voice, which I like, and the way you told this first chapter was interesting. It felt more like a literal voice-over narration than most stories, even though I suppose that's technically what all first person stories are, and it was a sort of neat thing.
Poor Scarlett, though -- James really doesn't seem to be a nice guy. You'd have thought Harry and Ginny raised him better! I wonder if it's enough motivation to carry her hatred so far into her schooling, but then again, he's probably done more to her than embarrassed her on the platform. I suppose your future chapters will cover that!
Do keep writing! You've got a nice grasp on where your story's going, I think. (I can't help but think Scarlett will end up with James anyway!)Author's Response: Thank You! I was really nervous about writing this story but I am really happy I decided to write it.
I know of a lot of good parents who have a kid where you ask yourself where they went wrong, but James just seems to me like the kind of person who thinks he is "too cool for school". Not all of us can be as modest as Harry Potter. Report Review
This is essentially my perfect story. Oh my goodness, I am so excited about this! ♥ I've told you this once before, but I have been searching for a good Tom Riddle/OC story for ages, and it's just too much now that my favorite fic author (that would be you, yes) is writing one. Not only does it spare me the need of doing it myself, but I can't wait to see what you do with it. I already absolutely love what you're doing with it. Please, please make this an epic novel and not only a four-chapter short story, even though you've completed it.
I knew Pomona was Professor Sprout's first name, but somehow... I just assumed it was a different Pomona? Regardless of which Pomona she happens or does not happen to be, I already feel really bad for her. The titular trap has been laid and she all but voluntarily walked into it. :( And yet I can't find I blame her, because I have already professed my attraction for this handsomely villainous Tom. He is the perfect old-age Tom, before he turns all skull-like and red-eyed -- all dark and mysterious and sinuous and silky and what can I say, that is darn attractive. ♥ So it truly is no wonder that Pomona is, at the very least, fascinated by him. I just am praying he's not going to hurt her or take advantage of her, and even as I type that I know it's not going to be the case.
Also, Mafalda seems to be kind of a snot. BOO, MAFALDA. But I write the older version of her to be a snot, so there is that.
I LOVE YOUR TWIST ON A MASQUERADE. Using Polyjuice Potion as a party trick is something I have never thought of and love immensely. (Although how creepy is Walburga Black, seriously.) It is distinctly eerie that Tom can become other people so effortlessly. And it is delightfully sinister at the same time, because that means he has so much control over who he comes in contact with. Who's to say which face is his real one? Maybe he puts on different masks for different people, depending on what he senses they want to see. That is terrifying. Why have you not written Tom Riddle before now.
Dying over your imagery. ♥ I love how spooky and noir this story seems, like a horror story, but with a Potter twist. A castle made of igneous rock! That is somehow gorgeous in my head, but in a creepy way. Which is the best way. I am revelling way, way too much in the darkness and secrecy of this fic, but wow, this is so perfect. And the image of The Jaws of St. Tenebris gave me goosebumps, because if that is not alluding to a scary story then nothing is. HOW DID YOU THINK OF THAT. I want to see what you see when you describe things.
Oh my goodness, when he basically pinned her against the wall and KISSED THE BASE OF HER THROAT, I AM SILENTLY SCREAMING. I cannot decide whether I am attracted or repulsed. Can I be both? That is, like... sexy, but icky, and this man is a conflicting contrast to himself and I must read more about Tom and his inky eyes and strained mouth. I want to know what he's going to do to Pomona. I want to tell Pomona to run very, very far away. Maybe show her a picture of how icky he'll look in a few years.
Do I seriously have to wait until Tuesday for the next chapter. IT'S GOING TO TAKE ME A MONTH TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENS. I WILL BE IN FINALS WEEK WHEN THIS STORY CONCLUDES. THAT IS WHOLE OCEANS OF NOT OKAY.
Moar. ♥Author's Response: THERE IS JUST NO WAY AROUND RESPONDING TO YOU, IS THERE. ♥
Seriously, though. Your reviews. ♥ You keep coming back time and time again to read my stuff and at the risk of this turning into a gush-fest, you are just the best. Plain and simple. I would not still be part of this fabulous adventure known as fan fiction were it not for you and your incredible, unconditional support.
Oh, no. This does not pardon you from writing your own Tom Riddle/OC. I fully expect you to produce one of those someday.
He was so much fun to write! Way better than Tom Riddle who is bald and nose-less, a few Horcruxes down the road. I'd like to revisit his character again in the future, for an AU sleuth!Tom, in a short mystery story.
I chose to use Pomona Sprout because she's one of the only canon female characters besides Minerva whose time at Hogwarts overlapped with Tom's. Tom/Minerva is a thing but for some reason there aren't any Tom/Pomona's. Maybe it's because in Hogwarts Era she's busy bustling around with dirt all over her hair. Who knows. Maybe people don't find that attractive or something. Here, she is a wee lass who is just a touch too naive for her own good. Which makes her the perfect prey, of course.
Seriously, if I had Polyjuice Potion for a day I would do at least fifty different things with it. So, so many opportunities. P.S. I have been wanting to do a masquerade ball with Polyjuice Potion for AGES.
Sexy/icky. That is a marvelous description.
Tuesday is tomorrow ~ ~
♥ U DA BEST. Report Review
I like this nice family scene, Harry and Ginny sitting down to talk with Lily about the war. I like to think that it's something that they would have done with all three of their children eventually -- it's too important otherwise!
There were several more typos in this chapter, and the formatting was a bit wonky, but it's nothing a quick bit of editing won't fix. :) I don't think Harry would call his own son thickheaded, either -- maybe self-absorbed? (Parents do call teenagers that!) Have you considered joining the HPFF forums and getting a beta reader? Beta readers are invaluable! And it's a great way to make a new friend, too.
And again, don't be afraid to elaborate! What prompted Lily to ask her parents about the war? What does she think about Uncle Fred? What does the room they're in look like? A story is very much helped by describing the setting, as well as infusing in the dialogue that keeps it flowing, which you're already good at.
Keep it up! More writing makes you better at writing, and you're already two chapters into your story, which is farther than many people get. You should definitely continue writing! ♥ Report Review
This was cute! It was a bit short, but that's not always a bad thing. I liked the brother-sister relationships you already gave Lily with James and Albus, and especially how they taunt each other -- I don't think enough people capture that lovely aspect of family life. ;) Although the hat that James forced on Albus sounds horrible, oh my goodness!
If you wanted to extend this chapter a bit, I could suggest perhaps elaborating a bit and giving some backstory. I assume that the family is moving into Grimmauld Place, but why? How does Lily feel about it? Does she explore the house herself? Try picturing what she sees, hears, smells, and write it down!
This is a promising start -- definitely don't give up. :) Your summary was intriguing! I'm off to check out your second chapter, too! Report Review
I've never read about any of Malfoy's children other than Scorpius (who, obviously, is canon -- I wonder if he crops up in this as well), and I don't read about next generation characters in general, but I think you're off to a nice start here. You've started off with an intro chapter to set the story going nicely. I am curious about where you're going with it!
Having Draco marry Hermione after Astoria is something new, too, and those are the creative sorts of spins that are good in stories like these. :) And good old Rita Skeeter, still hanging around! It's a wonder she survived that long, to be hoenst. She's too nosy.
A very interesting beginning! You should keep going!Author's Response: Thanks. I was a little nervous to put this on here because this is my first fanfic. Thank you for the review. Report Review
Ooh! I've never read a story like this before -- the disappearance of magic? I am very intrigued! I'll bet the moonlight and Ron's headache are somehow involved, although I don't know why yet. I have a feeling you'll tell me!
It's been so long since I've read a story centered around these main canon characters, too. So many people write Marauders, or next gen, or lesser-seen characters like Grindelwald or Colin or what have you. I'm glad I got the chance to do this now!
Please do continue; I want to see where you're going with this. :)Author's Response: You made my day! Thank you so much for this review! I am planning to continue the story but I'm not going to say anything :P
You are right, I miss reading about the main characters and It's going to be a great adventure writing about them! Keep reading this web page has a lot of interesting stories!
Again, thank you very much :P Report Review
Ooh! This is an intriguing first chapter! You've hooked me in already; it makes me want to read more, and know how Ava's job is going to turn out, and who the mysterious man from the summary is. And the worker killed by a werewolf! Ooh, that would be terrifying. The First Wizarding War was a grim time, to be sure.
I like Ava already, even though we don't know very much about her. She definitely seems smart, if only going by the fact that she got O's on her O.W.L. and N.E.W.T. exams. Not to mention she knows the Ministry's been infiltrated, too.
There are a few points I might make, just to help your story -- the first is that speaking characters generally get their own paragraph, even if the paragraphs end up being a bit short. Rosmerta and Ava's conversation should be split up into more paragraphs to better indicate who's speaking.
The second thing I think could help you would be to keep a constant tense. You often switch between present and past tense for your story, like here:
The room was small, and very cluttered. To the right side of the room, a grand fireplace majestically stands
You should either write "The room is small" or "a grand fireplace majestically stood." You can write the story in either tense, but be consistent!
Overall, though, I think you've got a good start to a story here. I really do want to know where you're going with it! I'll be keeping my eyes out to see if you update. :)Author's Response: Thank-you so much! I was thrilled with this response, and don't worry, the story gets very exciting :) The second chapter should be up soon, not too much happens in the second chapter, but it just gives you an overview of Ava's first day of work! And about the constant tense, I agree, and I do need to work on that! I was stressing over it, but I still cant decide which I find easier to write in. but, I will work on it :) Thankyou so much again, it is my first fanfiction so im very excited to carry on writing it :D Report Review
This was extremely interesting! I've never read a story quite like this, from Voldemort's POV, and I think you got into his head really well. You seem to know what made him tick, even up until that last second, and especially what Harry meant (or, rather, didn't mean) to him.
I loved the line about Death Eaters being pawns in his chess game, too; that's nearly exactly how I think of them, and that conjures the perfect picture of the group as a whole. He doesn't care about them; he only uses them to further his advantage. Voldemort feels almost nothing, but is extremely calculating and strategic, and that's something I find pretty fascinating. And even though you used the movie version of his death, it worked here. It still brought home a sense of mortality that I got at the end of the Deathly Hallows book, too. "Slowly dissolving" was a good way to describe it.
The end line, too. ♥ You got Harry very right in this story, and that's not something a lot of people can do.
Please do keep writing! This was really good, and I do mean that. For a first story especially! You've definitely got the potential to keep going. Report Review
I've started to read this for you, Val! :) And I'm really enjoying it already -- WWII is one of my very favorite periods of history, and you seem to have written it very well thus far. I like broad range of characters you've given us to interact with, too, and I liked that we got small glimpses of all of them in this first chapter.
Hazarding a guess -- Astrid's connected to Fleur in some way? (Watch me be wrong.) I'll get to reading the other two chapters quite soon, but really, I do like this very much! ♥ You should be very proud of just this chapter!Author's Response: Rachel!
I'm really happy you like the characters, and that you think this is accurate -- it's one of my main worries, because it's not an era I lived in (obviously), yet I still want to write about it realistically.
No, Astrid is related to Hagrid, of course. (Yes, she's Fleur's grandmother.)
Thank you so much for taking some of your time to give this a look &hearts Report Review
Here for the Ravenclaw review battle! This story took me by surprise -- I'm normally not one for next gen, but I saw that this was your latest one-shot and a Mumford & Sons-inspired one besides, and felt obligated to give it a go. And I really, really ended up enjoying this!
I think I've read a sort of tangled Dominique/Teddy/Victoire before, but by and large I was most impressed with yours. I really like your characters and how you wrote them, even though we read about them for less than 2,000 words. They have distinct personalities crafted for them in such a short time, and that is not an easy thing to do, so more kudos to you for that! Dominique especially feels so real, and she's like a real woman, not a caricature or an idea of one.
There are so many emotions woven throughout this -- anger, desire, heartbreak, defiance -- and angst, of course, always angst. ♥ Which is my favorite, to tell you the truth, and you pulled it off very well! I'm sort of attracted to Teddy, no lie, and even though we know he's flighty and unpromising, I think we're meant to be attracted to him, too, because the first person POV means that we are essentially Dominique for a suspended amount of time.
And the ending! I actually LOVE the way you wrote the ending, because it left me hanging -- I don't know whether she's going to let Teddy in, or make him wait, and it sort of kills me, but it makes me think either option is plausible. A pick-your-own-ending, if you will. Oh, not enough people write those. ♥
Your language was really beautiful, too, and there was a cynicism to its beauty that complimented Dominique wonderfully. The metaphor of the arithmetic of Teddy was fantastic! And describing Teddy through the glass as impressionist. ♥ I am seriously so impressed right now. I feel a bit like I'm rambling, but I was very taken with this one-shot. And you should be very proud of it!
If this doesn't at least place in Kiana's challenge, I'll be very surprised for sure. You wrote this very well, and I'm so glad I took the time to read it. Seriously, brilliantly done!Author's Response: Hello! Wow thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a lovely review! Mumford and Sons are brilliant- I really love them, so I felt I had to do them justice :P
I've wanted to have a go at a Teddy/Dominique/Victoire for a while- I had quite vivid ideas of them in my head, so it's wonderful to hear that that came across. I'm especially glad that Dominique feels like a real person, as that's exactly what I was hoping for :) She has become someone who defines herself by another person, but I wanted to show that she is really more than that.
Hehe I rather like Teddy too :P I think, in a way, he's been damaged as much as Dominique by the relationship- it isn't doing any good for either of them.
It makes me so happy to read your comments about the ending :) I was praying that people would like it!
Thank you so much for all your wonderful words on the language and suchlike. I swear this review is better written than the story :P It's honestly so good to know that you enjoyed it so much. I get a lovely warm feeling inside every time I look at this review... that sounds weird but I'll go with it!
Thank you so much again! Report Review
I'm so happy to be reading a story of yours again! After I made that status asking for reading requests, I tried out a Harry/Luna novel, but I couldn't make it through the third chapter because it just didn't feel right. I couldn't explain what it was, but I decided to stop reading and pop back into the Unsinkableverse. Whatever was missing in that novel I tried reading, I found here.
On the contrary, this first chapter wasn't slow at all for me (and I've just seen the word count after having to make my way here again due to shutting down my computer, and that did NOT feel like nearly five thousand words). Opening this and reading about Molly and Arthur and Hattie and all the members of this group of friends... it feels a bit like coming back to old friends of my own. ♥
I love that you're actually addressing the rise of Voldemort here, too, because that's something that's so lacking in this era of fic writing. People very much undermine the influence he had on the wizarding world, but that doesn't make sense to me. He had whole communities afraid to speak his name, so knowing that you acknowledge that and are having Cosmo bring up the newspaper, and Cecila's dad working overtime for it, bring a really fresh and welcome layer of authenticity.
Also, just throwing this in there: ARTHUR AND MOLLY ARE TOTALLY ENGAGED. I defy anyone to think otherwise! ;)
I think this is going to be much like my reviewing style from TUMP, and that means that I might not leave reviews on every chapter as I'd prefer to. I wish time constraints dictated my life differently. But I definitely am going to continue reading, and I'm already itching to hit the next-chapter arrow! And you'll hear again from me at the end, if not sooner than that. I can promise you that.
Thank you for writing these stories. This is totally my own headcanon now, too -- I love this so much!Author's Response: Harry/Luna is an odd ship to me. It doesn't entirely make sense, I guess. I can kind of see the logic, but I don't see the attraction, I suppose. I'm glad you stopped by and started this story though! I hope you enjoy it :)
I'm glad it didn't seem too lengthy/wordy. Re-introducing a large cast such as Unsinkable has is a bit of a pain. Voldemort's rise is a huge plot in this novel, as you said it was the major social issue in this subset of society at the time. There was no avoiding it. Setting up the culture of fear that would result in "people eloping left, right and center" because they were all hyper-aware of their own mortality pretty much ensures a great deal of Voldemort activity.
They really are, and just never make it official haha. It's true. XD
I do understand about getting time to do everything, so no worries, I won't be mad at you for not reviewing every chapter ;) I appreciate any reviews you can send me! Thanks for this, and I hope you like the rest of the story! Report Review
Hello, Kiana! :) You were last up in the review tag, and that fact coupled with the fact that you had a fairly new one-shot on your page makes me glad I saw it in time. I love stories about any of the Marauders or Regulus (which is, I suppose, why there's a lot of them on my page), and was pleased to see that your latest one-shot was just such a story!
I've read a couple of one-shots before that use the metaphor of stars in talking about Sirius and Regulus, and it always impresses me, thinking that HPFF writers are talented enough to use those names and dig into the history behind them to aid in their writing. I especially like how you tied in Sirius's strength -- for Sirius was, in my opinion, much stronger than his younger brother -- to the strength of Sirius the dog star. I don't know anything about the characteristics of the star/constellation Regulus, and you've made me want to go look them up now, just to align them with the Regulus you portrayed here!
I felt really bad for him throughout the course of the story. :( I think one of the things you best made clear was throughout everything, Regulus was a young -- didn't he die when he was eighteen? He hasn't had the time to strip away the moral fibers of his conscious, like so many of the other Death Eaters he surrounded himself with. Except Bellatrix, but she's just kind of crazy anyway. He's impressionable and scared, and I so wish he'd chosen differently. It's easy to see why he chose to join the ranks of the Death Eaters, especially knowing that he and Sirius always butted heads, and knowing that his parents disapproved of Sirius... but it makes you wonder.
I liked all the repetitions you used in this, too. Words like "burning bright" and "fading," which along with your title tied the whole thing together. And I especially liked the last line, a rather clever reversal of the falling star! And Regulus wrote Sirius letters! Just like my Sirius wrote posthumous letters to Regulus. ;)
Good job, Kiana! I'm glad I got the chance to read this; I enjoyed it very much. ♥ Hopefully I'll see you around soon!Author's Response: Hey Rachel! I love the Marauders and Regulus too, and I have ton of one-shots half-written about them :P
Yes I know that several other people used that theme too, but it just works so well for them, and really shows their relationship. Canis Major is such a big constellation it fits Sirius so well. As for the Regulus star it is pretty big, but not as big as Sirius so I thought it would be cool to incorporate it ;D
I'm glad that you felt bad for him, as that was the aim of the story ;) I think it was the fact that he was so young and that he just died, and it's so tragic. A lot of people forget about him, so I wanted him to get some sympathy here!
Like you said, he wasn't hardened like the other Death Eaters, and that's probably what contributed to him dying so young. Yes it does make you wonder, and I hope if he and Sirius were closer, he may have not joined the Death Eaters.
I'm glad that you liked the repetition, and I thought it would tie in well with the star theme :P Haha yes I hoped that Regulus would try to contact Sirius, and letters seemed the most fitting!
Thanks for the great review Rachel, and I'm so glad that you enjoyed it :D
-Kiana :D Report Review
I remember you telling me about this story! And now that you've slipped so quickly into the review tag, I get the time to leave you a review for it. How long's it been since I've visited your page? I feel like it's been eons!
Ugh. You know my feelings on the whole Ron/Hermione matter, but Ron should totally be marrying Hermione and not Lavender! I feel so badly for her, too, because it's clear that she always loved Ron, and maybe he loved her too, once upon a time. I'm kind of under the impression that he grew tired of waiting for Hermione to make the move and was too proud or confused or whatever to do it himself, and Lavender was there and willing and he went with the easy option. It would be a Ron thing to do.
But that makes it no easier to read how heartbroken Hermione is here. :( I really do feel for her, and at this point it almost looks like she's got no other options left to her, you know? Which isn't true! Being "the brightest witch of her age" takes its toll; I bet there's all sorts of pressures and expectations that go along with that title.
I like that this isn't going to be a conventional Dramione, though, and that Draco's actually going to be the one to save Hermione, because for the first time (for me) it's Hermione who's making the bad decisions. I guess Ron is, too, but he's not mean or abusive and I'm glad of that. It'll be interesting to see how you bring Draco into this story!
A very promising beginning, Erica! I'm pleased I got to read this for you. :) Hope to see you working on this again soon! Report Review
Susan! I was too slow to give this review to you by means of the review tag, but I've been meaning to drop by this story for ages anyway, and once I'd started reading I didn't want to stop. I've loved reading about ancient Egypt ever since I was little and picked up a book on Tutankhamen, and who better to combine it with fan fiction than one of my favorite HPFF authors?
Right away I am SO intrigued about what else you've got in store as far as this story goes, and I hope to return really quickly just to figure it all out. I can't believe more people don't write about ancient Egypt on this site, come to think of it, and you've already made the magic tie together so well with the story. Ay seems like a fantastic villain, if that is indeed what he turns out to be. And I'm going to guess the curse comes back for your protagonists? Oh, I am so excited to see this. You have no idea!
I loved the way you wrote this scene, too, not just because of what went on in it -- although like I said, that's enough to make me want to jump into the next chapter write now -- but because stylistically it felt like ancient Egypt, if that makes sense. The tone your characters spoke and thought in was archaic and lovely and so accurate, in my opinion. And the descriptions were just gorgeous! Ones like this:
The night sky blanketed the world, the only light coming from the tiny pinpricks of light shining from distant stars.
The shape swirled around the tomb and Ankhesenamun could have sworn that she heard it screaming, crying out against its new prison.
That last one sent a chill up my spine. How terrifying is that?!
I cannot wait to come back to this story, and I definitely intend to make it sooner rather than later. This was fantastic! I'm so glad I finally read this first chapter! ♥Author's Response: This is a wonderful surprise, Rachel! It's a lovely treat to see a review from you, and for this story too! I've enjoyed having the opportunity to write about Egyptian magic and history - it's an exciting area, refreshingly different from the other stories I'm working on. Thank you for the compliments! I'm so glad to be one of your favourite HPFF authors! ^_^
The unfortunate thing is that the prologue is more just background rather than a central part of the story. It places the daemon in the tomb and shows how it was done, but Ay will not return, except in passing. I have found a way of referring back to the prologue more, though, and hopefully it will work. :)
It is a pleasure to hear that the prologue sounded authentic - it was something so new to write, especially within the Potterverse, that it was hard to imagine how magic would have worked back then. It makes this more of an OF than fanfiction (hence why I chose to explore the Blacks in the first official chapter). But to hear compliments about the style and descriptions from you is simply fantastic! I don't know what else to say! ^_^
Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review! It will be wonderful to hear what you think about the rest of this story! Report Review
I LOVE the way you wrote this -- and I am completely in awe that you managed to tie all of the Hogwarts fallen into the recurrence of colors and characteristics sunsets. I am such a huge fan of imagery and repeated metaphors, and I think you captured perfectly here the different romantic and poetic facets of sunsets that would apply to these characters. My favorite, I think, was Colin's, and how the winking of the sun is like the flashing of a camera bulb. Seriously, Helen -- brilliant job!
And as I said, your imagery was wonderful. You really know how to describe colors, and it was more like painting with words than just throwing them about as necessary descriptions. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but it was artistic and lush and just bordering on purple, but purple prose happens. And considering that I'm writing this review on a day that is extremely wet and cold and windy, I like the warmth of these sunset pictures you've put in my head. Even though they are describing death, they're peaceful.
And maybe that's what this is all about (switching from my reviewer's hat to my analyst's one, apparently): Sunsets are an end to a day, and isn't death the same sort of end on a grander scale? And yet we still find peace and beauty in sunsets. Maybe we should look for the same peace in death.
Philosophical musing aside, this was a lovely one-shot, and I'm so glad that out of all the stories on your page, I picked this one to read. I love this challenge, too, and I think it's even more impressive that you were able to get so much out of 500 words! Fabulous job! ♥Author's Response: HI.
This is such a lovely review thannnk you for leaving this for me (and I want to go to my knee-jerk sorry for the long time it took to respond thing, but it actually hasn't been an obscene wait for once!)
I honestly thought that I couldn't do anything at all with 500 words (I mean, 500!? SURELY you need at least a couple of thousand word chapters to get anything done?) but I was actually quite pleased with how this turned out in the end.
Colin's was the first bit I wrote and I think that remains my favourite :D
As a philosophy student, I fully embrace your analyst's hat. Death is one of those strange, incomprehensible things that I end up thinking about all the time and I definitely like that slant on it (although, easier said than done).
Thank you for such a lovely review! :) Report Review
What luck that we're paired up for this month's TGS review battle just before you became a new QTR editor! I don't think there's a more fitting way for me to welcome you onto the staff. :) And if I remember correctly, we've been paired up in the past, and I've always liked my pairings, so it's safe to say that I'll enjoy this, too!
I've had a lot of time, in writing the trilogy I'm currently working on, to think about all those who've died or been lost in some way during the first wizarding war. And I think you really nailed the tone of it in this story, too -- there was so much loss in that war, for both sides. There were obviously losses in the second war too, but I think this era is more shadowed and dim in the collective mind of the Potterverse, and that almost makes it more deathlike. Maybe I'm just spewing words now, but what I'm trying to say is that, in a slightly morbid way, I liked that this one-shot focused on those losses, because it's something I'd had on my mind, and you filled in the gaps nicely.
I really liked the style you wrote this in, too! You have a very nice way turning phrases and making things elegant where they might not otherwise be. I think my favorite bit of description in this story was when you were describing anything black or white or gray, especially the marble tiles and how they turned into gray. There was just something in that... and it was real, you know? I can't quite put my finger on what it was, but I liked it.
Drawing inspiration from songs often results in some of my favorite one-shots! And the song you chose is really fitting for the subject, too; I'm almost jealous I didn't think of it myself. ;)
I really enjoyed this, Laura! ♥ I'm glad I got an excuse to read it this month, too. And I'm sure we'll be talking again before long! Report Review
(I'll have you know that I read much of this story listening to that Muse song you linked me too, and it naturally fit extremely well with the story.)
PLOT TWIST SAY WHAT. Not even one-shots are safe from the way you continually pull the wool over my eyes! I had to zoom back up and skim over the story again after finishing because I like going through and picking up on all the little clues. I love the way you told this; it wouldn't have had nearly the same impact chronologically, but even the way you did choose to line up events worked very well for building suspense and keeping me reading. Natch.
It's sort of a tragic end for my favorite next generation pairing (which obviously means YAY, I LOVED IT because I am somewhat sick), but I think you pulled it off really masterfully, as always.
I just... I cannot say enough good things about your writing. ♥Author's Response: I THINK I AM CAUGHT UP ON RESPONDING TO YOUR REVIEWS AS OF THIS MOMENT. I feel like I should give myself a reward. I just ate a Reese's Egg, a Mr. Goodbar, and a mini bag of Reese's Pieces, so I'm not sure what still qualifies as a reward. I will have to figure something out.
The random order was a sneaky way for me to make readers attach themselves to characters in the past while simultaneously dreading what happens in the future. You know the beginning and the end, and when the second timeline with adult Benjamin clicks into focus it hits that he's TOTALLY GOING TO OFF HIMSELF. He'd been planning to kill his parents before he was born, but arrived too late to the party. The ironic part is that Scorpius saves his son /from/ his son. TIME TRAVEL, MAN.
You da best. ♥ Report Review
Titanic is my all-time favorite movie, and I've read more books than I care to count on the subject -- so seeing your forums advert for your banner, and then seeing that that banner had Leonardo DiCaprio on it to boot, made me curious! I've never read a Potterverse-centric story about the Titanic before, and this was a very interesting way to start.
I like the relationship you've already built between Nate and Jared, and I'm intrigued as to how you're going to develop that over the course of the story. This was a short prologue, but it led into the rest of the story nicely -- which is, obviously, exactly what a prologue is supposed to do! The ominous note at the end was a nice touch, too, although I do suppose we all know how the ship's story is going to play out. I have a few suspicions about what'll happen, but we'll see if I'm right...
There were a few things I noticed in reading this story that you might want to know about. :) First is comma splices -- you have quite a few in here, and it makes your writing seem a bit more unpolished than it could be. If you haven't looked into those, I'd definitely recommend doing so. One example was here:
We, however, were eighteen and not long out of Hogwarts, just last summer, to be exact. -- There should either be a semicolon or a dash after 'Hogwarts,' or the 'just' should be the start of a new sentence (I'd do it the first way myself). They're two like thoughts, but they're also separate thoughts, and can't be part of the same sentence, even with commas. There were several other examples of this, too, so be on the lookout for those.
And a couple of grammar things:
one look between he and I told me that second ticket belonged to me. -- 'he and I' is not proper grammar here. You wouldn't say "the look passed to I" or "the look passed to he." Although it sounds funny, the correct way to word this sentence is "one look between him and me." I would personally avoid that altogether and rephrase it as "one look between us."
the tickets in my best friend and brother's hands would takes us to it. -- 'takes' should be the singular 'take' instead.
Nice job! I hope I've been of some help to you, and I'm curious to see where this story is going. Keep writing! Report Review
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