Reading Reviews From Member: shez
82 Reviews Found

Review #1, by shezBunny Slippers: The Longbottom Family

28th March 2015:
Hey there! We review swapped a while ago, and I’m sorry for taking so long to get back to you. Also, I hope you don’t mind that I chose to do Bunny Slippers – I’m a big fan of dark/horror and so this fic was right up my alley. Anyway, onto the review!

I like how you opened with a very idyllic family scenario – you used some great descriptive language to ground your readers into the setting. Also I liked how you used third person omniscient to show all the Longbottoms, and then toggle to the menacing figures standing outside.

Oooh~ the “Take your brother and run” was very James-and-Lily. The parallel you make there is clever and also very TRAGIC, because it reminds us that things will end badly.

Nitpick: at one point, you spell Bellatrix as ‘Belletrix’.

Speaking of Bellatrix, loving how relentlessly cruel she is! I imagine anyone who writes her has great fun doing it haha.

Also, just wanted to say this is the FIRST fic I’ve read where Neville has a brother. Not a critique or anything, it was just eyepopping. But it makes perfect sense with where you take the story – certainly adding to the tragedy of Frank and Alice’s inevitable fates. I like how his death marks Frank’s surrender -- really shows how the effects of the Cruciatis vary largely depending on the victim’s internal resolve. Watching his son die, Frank loses the willpower to resist. It’s very human and poignant and you do a great job describing it.


You have quite a flair for writing tragedy/horror! Thank you for writing this and giving me a chance to read it 

Author's Response: Hey shez,

No worries on the wait. Life gets in the way. I totally understand. Bunny Slippers was actually the story I asked you to review in the swap, so this works out perfectly! I am a huge fan of dark/horror type stories myself!

Bellatrix is one of my absolute favorite characters to write! You are correct. She is a ton of fun, although that makes me feel terrible to say it.

I've also never seen a fic where Neville had a brother, but I felt like it was necessary. To me it always seemed strange that both Frank and Alice went crazy from torture because we know in the real world plenty of people survive being prisoners of war and torture without going completely catatonic. That's not to say they don't have issues afterwards, but not in the same capacity that Frank and Alice do. I always thought that having lost a child would help that make more sense.

I'm really honored that you think I have a flair for writing tragedy/horror. Coming from you that means a lot because I absolutely love Clash. I started it about a week ago for our swap and read the whole thing in 2 days. I intend to go back through and read it a bit slower, this time leaving reviews as I go!

Anyways, thank you for the swap! It really made my day!


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Review #2, by shezBruises : Bruises

16th March 2015:
YUSS! Horror/Dark is my thing so I was excited to read this!

Good use of weather as a mood builders. Rain and ‘dark ominous clouds’ really helped create the dark, dreary atmosphere.

And nice play on canon! Normally I’m not a big fan of OC/Sirius fics –primarily because they ignore canon—but you make you do a good job avoiding the mushy aspect of it, and, rather, making the romance a relevant part. I *like* how you give an outsider’s perspective on the unfolding events. The winks and nudges at canon were excellent— Wormtail’s shady behavior, the Fidelius Charm/address thing, Remus disappearing immediately after, Frank and Alice.

Oh and I LOVE how Harry’s face lit up when Sirius picked him up. That got me in the feels. :wub:

The banter between friends was nicely written too. It became even more heart wrenching after James and Lily died. The fact that all the deaths rather quickly made it even worse.

You did a very good job foreshadowing what was to come and since it followed canon (you mentioned Halloween so duh), I expected it to end in the Potters’ death.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this! Thank you for the swap!

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Review #3, by shez(4) States of Matter: Lights Out

24th February 2015:
Read. Reviewed. Favorited.

All I can say is this is brilliant. I have no clue where it's going, but your writing is amazing enough to convince me along for the ride. I just LOVE how you throw us into the (very literal) darkness. I'm also loving how you don't make James into some lovesick puppy - rather give him a head between his shoulders and thus make his interactions with Lily witty and coy, rather than overly soppy. The Marauder interactions, as well, are very entertaining (although I'm double minded aver Sirius flirting with Remus, but whatever). Also, the revolving third person narrative is very effectively done, dark and introspective and humorous all the same. Action adventure fics are few and far in between nowadays, so i do hope this story has a streak of that. Nonetheless you have me very genuinely excited to see where this goes.


Author's Response: Screaming. Screaming more. Still screaming.

We're both in the same boat of having no idea where it's going! The dark always does make everything more mysterious. James is one of my favorite characters, and I love reading anything that sheds more light on him so I'm so pleased to hear I did him some justice. I feel Sirius is the kind of guy to flirt with his mates which is where I got that from. I'm pleased to here! I didn't feel like I could manage just one pov since I'm focusing on the plot just as much as the characters this time, and I was hoping this could be an interesting way of going about it. It's going to be pretty action-y and mystery I hope though many filler chapters because they're all in school.


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Review #4, by shezVictoire: Uncle Harry's Warning

8th February 2015:

I do like how quick you’re moving, throwing the reader into the upending chaos from the previous chapter and making them struggle to piece bits together rather than, say, long droning descriptions on scenery. The pace is very good for the story you’re telling.

I like the mystery you’ve introduced here as well.

“The images felt disconcertingly static” A PERFECT follow-up on the gory description, (though I think there’s room for you to amp it up, make it darker and even more striking – but that’s just personal taste I suppose). I also really liked the time motif. And, severed hand. Yikes!

Also, I love the sneaky way you’ve introduced and fleshed out all your characters, and in so very little words. The success of it is in its subtlety. I think I’ve grown most fond of Victoire (although Teddy is a close second). I really like that out of all of them she chooses to wait for ‘lone boy’ Hal. It really shows how, NICE she is.

And Ravenclaw-y. All the ‘regular school talk’ is also really nice too; it’s different from the norm and really helps ground the reader into the setting (By norm I mean people write Hogswarts fics and the teen-characters have these super extravagant love lives but are NEVER shown studying/thinking about academics. One of my biggest pet peeves).

(Also, second scene-it’s not often people choose to capitalize ‘breakfast’, though in this case I suppose it was memorable enough to be elevated to proper noun status).

Asher’s whole google/internet explanation made me chuckle. Agreed, it’s super helpful with all sorts of homework. How very naive wizards are.

HARRY POTTER YESSS. Your characterization is very close to how I headcanon adult!Harry. He’s trying to look out for everyone, and still as endearingly socially awkward about it as he was in his teen years. I appreciate that he’s, well, HUMAN, and I love how Teddy completely disregards his godfather’s warning.

I also really like how you’ve interwoven strands of the world we remember from canon into this–it’s very comforting in that it feels like a legit extension of the books (I can see why Roisin is beta-ing this!) It’s the sort of story that could’ve as easily been told from Harry’s POV, though here he’s in the peripheral and you’re choosing to do it from a next gen chars (and for a very good reason, I’m sure). Needless to say I’m very curious about the whole direction of the story, and it’s a wonderful feeling to have.

The interview with Hermione was excellent too – and Lee! So much canon galore!

I’m also really enjoying that I have a lot to say about this story. Most of the time I read stuff and I’m, like, meh and move on. But yeah – this is compelling enough (from what I’ve seen so far) to merit discussion and speculation.

SPECULATION. Ahh, what’s going on? Why is Izzy’s family dead? What do they want with her brother? What does it have to do with Fenrir Greyback’s death in previous chapter? I have no clue what’s going on, and you have me SO curious.

I’m so glad you did this swap with me. I’m really enjoying where this story’s going!

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you so much! This whole review is absolutely lovely and I really appreciate how much thought you've put into it.

This story is much more plot driven than my other work and I'm enjoying it a LOT, so I'm really glad you liked the way it kicks off with action. But thank you for saying you like the characters too! Most of my planning starts with thinking carefully about my characters so it's always lovely to get nice feedback about them :)

I completely agree that the photo description could be made more gory - it's perhaps not my strong point.

And yayy thank you SO MUCH for liking Harry! I've generally tried to stay away from writing the big canon characters but I couldn't really avoid it with this one, and it's such a relief that you found him convincing! That's a really interesting idea about this being a story that could have been narrated by Harry - you're so right, but I hadn't thought about it. Plotwise this definitely could all have happened during Harry's time at Hogwarts, or could be told from Harry's perspective as an auror. I'm enjoying the canon a lot here and am very lucky to have Roisin's wonderful beta-ing.

Thank you for such a wonderfully kind review! I'm working on chapter three so hopefully it should be up quite soon.

Emma xx

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Review #5, by shezBonds of Blood : Brothers

8th February 2015:
Hey there! Horror/Angst is my OTP so I was instantly drawn to this.

BROTHER FIC. YES. And I think this piece was very successful for how short it was, capturing the cold Death Eater mentality. Thorfinn is a deeply disturbed individual – he feels no remorse in wounding his own brother. I think he’s surprised and horrified with himself a little – but being in service to the Dark Lord, he sees it as an inevitable part of his duty.

‘The man took a seat “did you kill him?”
His stomach gave a violent lurch, and his heart sank.’ So their feud isn’t really PERSONAL. It’s just a matter of conflicting loyalties. You get the sense that Thorfinn still, to a degree, cares for his brother, when he gets disturbed by the thought of KILLING him (and he should be). Though then, later on he goes to say-

“Thorfinn had warned him not associate himself with the likes of those mudbloods, and while the thought was sickening, it was also slightly satisfying.” Now this is really sick, and also really believable – He DOES think his brother deserves to suffer, even to die. It shows the brutal extent of Voldemort’s brainwashing/manipulation.

There are some missing words, missing commas – so I’d maybe give it a once over.

All in all, a lovely read, and one I very much enjoyed! Thank you so much for the swap!

Author's Response: Hey! Thank you for reading this fic, I love it and wanted to turn it into a short story but I haven't the time :( Thorfinn is disturbed, to think Voldemort could have such power over people is astounding, but then again we see that kind of stuff in our own history. I'll give it a once over, thank you for the swap :)

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Review #6, by shezComing Out of the Shadows: The Unexpected Sorting

10th January 2015:
Hey there! I'm on my phone right now so forgive me for not leaving a lengthier review (I'll definitely do that for the other chapters). Anyway, just wanted to tell you that I like the premise of the story. I ADORE black sheep!slytherin!AL (especially when he and Rose are friends) fics so I just had to say something. Also, Your writing is technically sound and I love that you plan on using a revolving third person narrative to write Rose-Scor-Al. It's literally my most favorite thing ever ever!

Some concrit:

-scene brackets and spacing! Make sure your scene shifts are obvious and the spacing in he whole chapter is uniform.
-don't use the sorting song as the summary. Go for something snappier and more concise. You'll get more readers this way :)

I had some more notes if you're interested, but I'll leave it as is for now. All in all, a promising start! Can't wait to see where it goes!

Author's Response: This is super helpful; I'd love to hear more! I'm so glad you're enjoying the story thus far!

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Review #7, by shezVictoire: The Guard

8th January 2015:
Hey, here for the swap! I read this last night and jotted notes as they came to me, so forgive me if this review feels rambly and out of order.

I’m really impressed with what I’ve seen of this idea so far! Happy, fluffy next-gens aren’t really my thing, so I was pleased to get this for the swap. Actually, this is just my type of story! Which is why I have a lot to say about it.

The Azkaban scene was deliciously disturbing, and you’ve written quite a twisted cast of characters. Their voices were VERY GOOD (My canon/Pottermore knowledge may be shaky at best, but I thought the Malfoys were pardoned? I don’t know why Lucius is there.) Anyway, I’m glad you used a third tier canon character like Cormac to ground the readers into the guard role, and it’s nice to see that he’s matured/sobered quite a bit since the books. I’m wondering why they took the dementors out though (and where they sent them… I can only imagine they’re wreaking havoc elsewhere hehe).

Chilblains—the word felt a little jargony to me, and because it literally means red, itchy lumps. SO- if you were going to use maybe say something like ‘ the developing chilblains on his hands’ or maybe just take it out altogether and reword it. I dunno.

Also, it was eyepoppingly weird to me that the article referred to Voldemort by his real name. Not a critique or anything. The irreverence there is AWESOME. It’s post-war, and the wizarding population probably knows all about him by now, and the fear is GONE.

Fenrir Greyback died laughing. HANDS DOWN BEST THING EVER. I love the dramatic flair of the whole Azkaban bit, actually. Very much like the opening scene to a movie.

So I’m a bit double minded about the article—on one hand it’s VERY well written and gets a lot across quickly. On the other, it feels a little bit like you’re rehashing canon, which I get you’d want to do to orient readers, but I found myself skimming it a little. So maybe consider condensing it? Because this is the pilot, I’d RATHER get Victoire’s reactions to the information so I can get to know her better.

Teddy as a hufflepuff! JUST LIKE TONKS.

The scream was a PERFECT way to end it.

Overall I really the writing and premise so far. I know I had a lot of concrit (and annoying input), and I hope you’re not offended by it. You’re a VERY GOOD WRITER, and I’m actually very GIDDY and EXCITED to see a writer like you do a story like this. There just aren’t enough dark!next-gens out there imo.

So this is on my reading list now.



Author's Response: Thank you SO MUCH for this review! You've just completely got what I want this story to be, and I'm so so glad we did this swap!

I've been desperately wanting to write something darker but was waiting for an idea I was properly happy with before starting. This one's been vaguely bouncing around in my head for a while now and I've finally ironed out the plot holes. I'm glad it's the kind of thing you like - there seems to be less demand for darker next-gens than for the fluff/humour which I don't really understand.

And you're right about Malfoy! I checked after receiving your review. But I really loved writing that little bit of dialogue so might leave it as it is for a bit until I come up with something I like to replace it. Maybe he got sent back when they realised it was silly to pardon him just because his wife did something good?

I'll edit the chilblains sentence - what you've said is super helpful.

And yes! That's what I wanted from the article calling him "Tom Riddle". It's supposed to show how things are normal now, and people recognise that at the end of the day he was only human (ish). I can see what you mean about the article in general, but I worry a bit about cutting it down because the information's important to the story and I don't know if all readers will be completely comfortable with canon? I'll have a think about it.

And Hufflepuff Teddy following in his mother's footsteps was an idea I couldn't resist :)

Honestly thank you so so much for this review. It was kind of exactly what I wanted to hear about this, and was incredibly helpful as well. The next chapter's written and Roisin's been doing some wonderful beta-ing so it should be up soonish.

Thank you thank you! Absolutely honoured to be on your reading list.

Emma x

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Review #8, by shezYear Five: Some Sacred Questions, Some Marijuana

7th January 2015:
Hey there! Just popping in to continue Y5. Sorry it’s taking me so long. I’m just so bad with leaving timely reviews (and break makes me inconsiderately lazy oops!).

FIRST—all the chapter images are SO GOOD. And Emily “Sunshine” is Cassie from Skins! kasdfghjl! PERFECT FIT. She’s definitely the nicest of the Hex Heads from what we’ve seen so far.

I love the homage to Tonks hehe.

It’s so weird to see the Sorting from an outside perspective. You do a fabulous job writing Emily’s voice—her comments on wizard families and prejudice and Weasleys (being an institution hehe) to being worried for Tristan (who I think she may just have feelings for…hmm…).

Really, your characters’ internal worlds are so amusing/relatable! They’re not over the top, or anything like that. I’m having trouble putting why I like it so much into words. All the self-consciousness, wanting-to-ditch-class, substance abuse galore! And Isobel definitely has a thing about food.

I like how you’ve woven strands of canon into this—from Tonks cheering (cheering, not Cheering) her up, waving to Dumbledore, Snape’s prejudice toward everyone except his own House.

Poor Neville. Kid gets teased just about everywhere. But with a name like that, who can really blame Tristan?

Oh, I love the inter-house spirit of Tristan and his friends! I just love all teenage-y they all are!

WHAT DOES THE R STAND FOR? Is it connected to canon? I want so badly to try to guess but have no clue where to start.

(hopefully) I’ll be back soon for chapter 4!

Author's Response: Yee hello!

So glad you liked the images! Culture and music of the era is super important to this story, so I really wanted to give the images a kind of fanziney quality (I came up with the whole idea for this story while reading the Phonomancer comics, which are all about that).

Bahahaha, I almost didn't use that actress, because this whole story is already so "Skins at Hogwarts" :p

The whole fun of writing this story was pairing SO MUCH CANON with things that NEVER showed up in canon (substance abuse, food things, ditching class for non quest-like reasons).

I am sure you'll figure R out--but hopefully you'll let me string on the mystery for a little while first!


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Review #9, by shezOf Bets and Broom Cupboards: Of Bets and Broom Cupboards

4th January 2015:
Here for the review swap but I'm definitely planning to stay ;)

So I'll preface this by saying I was originally going to do your Tom Riddle fic (but then I realized I'd already R&Red it. Then I was all OMG WHY HAVEN'T I READ HER OTHER WORKS??) And I don't usually read fluff, but this was so witty and refreshing I COULDN'T RESIST.

So. I love this. I don't usually like next gen but this is just PLAIN GOOD. I love the sex-deprived ultra obnoxious and yet somehow still endearing internal world of James . I love your "little shit" Slytherin!Albus a more though. I love how this didn't meander into a love story, and Ursula remains obnoxious from beginning to end. I love how the Wotters give James such a hard time (and just the whole conversation between them. It's a rare feat to write group conversation so well). But mostly, I love the dynamic between the brothers. Can this be a full fledged fic? I'd love to read more ways Albus ticks off James.

EDIT: Oh, just one concrit: dialogue tags!

If you're describing the way someone says something, it's a comma and a continuation of the sentence. Otherwise, fullstop.


"Shut up," she says breathlessly. (COMMA, LOWERCASE)

"There, there." Freddie smirks, patting my head.

s'ok. I screw this up all the time too :)

And since I realize my review is pretty lame in comparison to yours, I just wanted to say that I really genuinely enjoyed this story. Enough to favorite it, actually. You're a very good writer technically, and you write the sort of stuff I like (Tom Riddle, Slytherin!Al-- I need to get to your Sirius Azkaban fic next since I'm sure I'll end up liking that too).

Can I somehow bribe you to write more stuff?

Author's Response: Hi! I haven't checked out 'Of Bets and Broom Cupboards' in ages so I don't really remember most of the dialogue, only the fundamental plot. Either way, thank you for the compliments. They're always nice to hear ;)

As for the dialogue tags, I completely forgot about them! I uploaded this AGES ago before I went through the crash course and forgot to edit this along with other one shots. I'm planning on doing that soon so thank you for the reminder!

As cliche as this portrayal of James can be, I remember it being surprisingly easy to write him and enjoyed doing so. I might upload a longer fic of him, but it'd be months before that happens. I'd have to plan and write a few chapters before I actually upload it.

I love the Potter boys. That is all I can say.

Thank you for stopping by. It's always nice to see you around :)

Dirigible_Plums xo

(But really Slytherin!Al and Tom Riddle are what I live for, I really don't think any other explanation is necessary??)

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Review #10, by shezYear Five: The Hex Head Express

25th December 2014:
First of all I just wanted apologize for the tardiness of this review. The last couple days have been a whirlwind of relatives and shopping and general chaos. But I’m here now—onto Y5!

“dishwater blonde hair” I really like your word choice here as it lends realism (which is obviously what you’re going for) Too often in fanfic authors romanticize their characters, aka, describe the way their curls fall down their back, or make them Barbie lookalikes. Also I appreciate the minimalism.

Bahaha Tristan ‘educating her’ about (muggle) music. I wanted to chuckle because this is SUCH a teen thing.

Also, I wanted to say I REALLY like the way you write conversation in a group. I know its a challenge for some writers (myself included), but you make it feel seamless and organic. And although this is mostly intro chapter to the characters—it never feels dull or like some big info dump. You never have to explicitly tell us that Emily’s a muggle born (or half blood) while Laurel and Isobel are most likely purebloods—we can figure it by the dialogue (Also, Tristan’s brooding made me chuckle. It’s actually sort of cute!). Oh, oh, and it’s refreshing to read about a friend group of primarily girls and one guy (Usually it’s the other way around). I expect there are romantic feelings floating about hehe (From the Cheering ‘do me’ comment, I’m going to guess Emily fancies Tristian).

And because I haven’t read the books in years and my canon knowledge is shaky at best, I googled Cheering to see if it’s a real spell (Duh, it is). I think it’s really cool you were able to incorporate canon details like these. This story definitely deserved those dobby nominations!

“And then a toad hopped right into Emily’s lap” OH MY GOSH NEVILLE!! *fangirls*

Also, WEASLEYS. I love that whole exchange, the wit and banter (those comments about Ron and Percy) was so entertaining!

I can’t wait until they have a run in with Harry or more of other the canon kids. OR SNAPE. OH MY GOD SNAPE. TRISTAN AND SNAPE. PLEASE, CAN YOU TELL ME IF THIS HAPPENS??

This really does feel like an extension of the books. I can actually SEE these characters existing in the peripheral of the first book.
Pertaining to your end note—I vaguely recall Rowling, in some interview, saying that she’s bad at math and she doesn’t really know how many kids are in Hogwarts. But it’s still impressive that you’ve done such thorough research. I find canon to be constraining at times, for me personally, but the fact you manage to make it for you is awesome!

So, I’m really enjoying this even though it’s so far from what I usually read. I’m pretty picky about my hp fanfic, probably ridiculously so, but I LOVE what you've added to my beloved canon world. Reading this was a treat. I’m excited to see where it goes! And I intend to drop in (though probably pretty sporadically) and leave more reviews!

Author's Response: This review is so much better for being ON CHRISTMAS! Thank you!

I straight up stared at photos of my Laurel faceclaim (young Chloe Sevigny) trying to think of critical things to say about her (I mean, Sevigny is definitely a beauty, but I like that she isn't traditionally pretty, and has done a lot of films and photoshoots where she isn't dolled up).

Haha, connecting Music Snobbery with Wizard/Muggle cultural difference was super fun for me ;)

All of the conversing in this chapter went through a WEIRD amount of rewrites and revision--like, I wouldn't be able to count. 30 complete re-edits at least. I'm really glad you think the final result worked, and felt organic and all. This is a really expository chapter--in fact, the first several chapters are all setting things up and exposition. I think the introductory phase is so long partially because I wanted to avoid info dumps. And since this is a character driven story, I really needed to give the characters shape for everything that comes later to work.

Oh man--CHEERING CHARMS. Like, the more you think about it, the more you MUST assume that if you teach 13/14-year-olds mind-altering spells, they WILL abuse them!

The Twins were super fun for me, because there's just a slightly different perspective. I really wanted them to seem in-line and consistent with the books, but then see them in a different way by offering a new POV and different contexts.

YES SNAPE! I'm glad you see it! THAT DEFINITELY HAPPENS! Snape is also a really fun character, because WE know so much about him that Tristan and co. don't (dramatic irony was basically the most FUN thing about writing this story!)

Which brings me to the periphery thing--I'm so glad you think it fits! I wrote this before I really knew what fanfiction was, so it is rather a different interpretation of the genre. This story is very kind of aware that it is fanfiction, and plays a lot with meta references and the like.

I'll also say that the tone of the story doesn't stay this light. It's funny, because I originally conceived of this as such a fun/wacky/silly idea (HOGWARTS STONERS). I combined all these various elements and ideas I wanted to examine, and then ended up with a much grittier story than I'd thought. Also, you know, TEENAGERS. MUCH ANGST FOLLOWS.

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Review #11, by shezCarina: Carina

4th October 2014:
Whenever someone writes Tom Riddle, I tend to get overly excited and gush a lot.


First I'm SOO glad you didn't make this a love story, but the dark, dangerous aftermath of obsession. I personally don't like it when authors have young Voldy fall in love, because that's NOT him, but you don't do that and I appreciate it. He sees Carina only as his possession and doesn't return her sentiments of love (which, to him, is a sign of weakness and submission). He's manipulative. He's greedy. I LOVE HIM.


Author's Response: Haha, I'm glad you liked it. Tom is a tricky character to do justice and to know that I didn't completely miss the mark with him is reassuring. Thank you for the kind review!

Dirigible_Plums xo

(I also get overly excited when it comes to Tom. Worrying, really, considering he's a psychopath :P )

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Review #12, by shezYear Five: Prologue (1991): Dozens of Little Televisions

23rd August 2014:

I can't believe you didn't think I would like this – I don't know even know where to start! I don't even feel WORTHY of reviewing this…oh my god. How am I supposed to give concrit???

I’m gonna try.

I LOVE how distinctively ‘adolescent' Tristin and Sophie are! And it totally makes sense that you would go towards OF, because something like this doesn’t belong on a fanfic site – it belongs in a book! It’s the subtle incorporation of details – Sophie wanting to impress her friends/ get back at her ex by sleeping with the ‘mysterious’ boy who went to school abroad, massive ‘dirty-pants-and-dirty-books-hiding expedition’ (which we all still do, quite honestly), the falling asleep with contacts in (that too).

It’s not overtly dramatic or fatal. It’s hard to describe why I like your style so much – too often writers will string a thousand ‘pretty’ adjectives together to sound smart—you don’t do that. It’s not cheesy and ‘trying too hard’ to be clever. Your prose has an easy wit about it, and it’s a pleasure to read.

The nineties references were lost on me, unfortunately. :p

THE PICTURE SHE DROPS AND IT RESPONDS TO BEING DROPPED. I was so nervous she’d figure it out.

The whole ‘moving computers’, ‘working for the government’ excuse made me chuckle. It’s a little funny how Tristan’s mom is too busy fretting about the Statue of Secrecy rather than her son bringing a girl over. I got a slight Arthur Weasley-vibe from his dad. I bet it was all just so surreal for Sophie.

There was also something sad about her getting Obliviated-even though I don’t WANT to have any sympathy for her, I do- because she’s a kid. And he’s a kid. They’re both kids and that immediately makes them sympathetic (to me). The narrative is third person omniscient – but the focus I’m presuming will primarily be on Tristan. We don’t know much about him at this point except he’s a junkie and prone to doing stupid illegal things haha. I can’t wait to see the trouble he gets up to in Hogwarts. AND HOW THE WEASLEY TWINS TIE IN.

You said this was set in the backdrop of PS. So when ickle Harry and co. are running around battling Voldy—Tristan and his mates will be having a spliff? An encounter between Tristan and Harry would be hilarious!! 'Hey mate, wanna smoke?' 'Nah, I've got this double-faced dark lord after me.'

Edit: Just wanted to say that I tried really hard to find something to give concrit on. But it’s obvious you’ve put a lot of effort into this – planning and execution—and I won’t pretend to find mistakes where there aren’t any. I CAN’T. THIS IS SO GOOD.

But def rerequest, haha. Maybe next time I’ll have something more substantial for you than gushing.

Author's Response: !111!!!1!!! AH THANK YOU SO MUCH! I am conspicuously grinning!

Ah, and I am SO happy for your response to the Sophie characterization! I don't actually LIKE her very much, since she's a throw away intro device, but I still wanted some *pathos* there!

And ERMGERD, getting a comment from YOU on my prose is too much! I have written like five different rambling versions of this paragraph, so instead, I'll just say it was REALLY encouraging, (yet I still wish I could just write like you!)

Haha, all you need to catch about the nineties references is that they are nineties references ;) I was about one-years-old when this story takes place, so most of it comes from research. I just really wanted to be like, "hey look, it's the nineties!" since the movies were set ambiguously present-day (to, I believe, their detriment--it's way easier to call plot holes if internet and cell phones are everywhere).

YES, the picture responds to being dropped! You are the first person to comment on that! Thank you!

A few people have mentioned that it's unrealistic that the parents weren't more upset, so I might revisit that. Not to change it, since Tristan's parents are specifically permissive, but to focus on how it's a Statute thing. The point of that whole situation is that being a wizard straddling both world's would influence the teenage experience. And like, the girl getting obliviated after his first time is SUCH A SAD IDEA.

The narration is def HP style focalization, but you'll see that the POV rotates every chapter between the major characters.

"when Harry and co. are running around battling Voldy—Tristan and his mates will be having a spliff?": Yes. That is exactly this story! I figure that the Trio were just too busy fighting evil to get up to many normal teen shenanigans, which isn't true of the school at LARGE--and every school must have its burnouts :)

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWWW! It made my day, my week, my month!

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Review #13, by shezStarfall: Prologue

23rd August 2014:
Here with your requested review!


To answer all your questions in a nutshell- YES, the prologue pulls me in. And of course I can’t picture canon!Lily like this –which is WHY I want to keep reading. I love stories that are told out of order. And the whole thing was so wonderfully dramatic, like the beginning of a movie. I love how you tell it all from Voldemort’s perspective- ruthless, calculating, malevolent. This is so evilly delicious! I have too many favorite line and parts to describe to you. Your writing is solid. I honestly have no major crititque for this. I’m genuinely excited to see where it goes.

On to next chapter!

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Review #14, by shezGolden Meadowes: Chapter One: Sometimes Goodbye Really Is Forever

23rd August 2014:
Here with your requested review!

Well this a very interesting concept, not one I’ve seen in fanfic (though, granted, I haven’t read a lot of marauder fics /not/ centered around the marauders). Marlene is solidly characterized- pureblood, but defiant of her prejudiced parent’s expectations. A fierce friend. Still an innocent child with – I think- a very basic depiction of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ in the world (going off her conversation with Dumbledore). Then there’s the fear - “I’ll do anything I can to help Professor Dumbledore. I don’t want anyone else to die over this madness,” Dorcas declared strongly, although her voice wavered slightly, as the implications of what she had just committed to sank in.—I really liked this line. She’s not naturally brave, but she’s TRYING to be brave. Plus, given her pureblood background, joining the order is almost like betrayal isn’t it? Hmm…I wonder if Dorcas’ parents will play a larger role in this all. Through subtle incorporation of these details, the reader is able to get a sense that there will eventually be a conflict of expectation/fear and ‘doing the right thing’. Whatever that might be.

At any rate, you’ve given your OC a solid fundamental start and PLENTY of space to grow and develop as, I’m sure, this story takes a turn for the dark.

Now one of the things I noticed is the narrative describes both Dorcas and Lily as ‘stunning’ or overtly beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with having beautiful characters, but it’s something I’ve seen done consistently in fanfic, and- I dunno - it detracts from the realism of it. Of course, it’s your story, and you’re entitled to do what you wish, but my two cents would be go deeper and further than that. Description-wise, there are a thousand ways you can describe them without using words like ‘beautiful’, ‘handsome’, ‘perfect’, ‘emerald eyes’, ‘rosebud lips’. Make it a personal challenge to think of new ways to conceptualise people! The idea of three beautiful, smart, talented witches that are ALSO adored by the marauders can border on cliché – so I hope you go further than these initial characterisations.

I liked that Marlene keeps her joining the Order a secret from her friends. Though, we know that Lily, James, Sirius also end up joining the Order. If this adheres to canon, I’m sure they’ll be seeing a lot of each other!

One grammar tidbit I noticed:

Dorcas as, the confusion clear in her voice. --- ‘as’ should be ‘said’

Lovely read, and I hope my review can be of any use to you! Feel free to rerequest if you so wish!

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Review #15, by shezLumos: Temper

9th August 2014:
Hey there! You requested a review from me some time ago and I became this horribly lazy person over the summer, so really sorry about that. So your review:
Oh wow, this is REALLY good, and I wish I’d gotten to this sooner. I love, love LOVE your characterizations-in the beginning with Snape in the afterlife-the bitterness at meeting his childhood rivals. James and Sirius snark. Then Dumbledore’s whimsicalness. I LOVED it. I wonder (hope) that they’ll make an appearance again later in the story.

Your post-Voldemort Harry is how I envision him to be; broken, confused, jaded-though I can't go as far as to see him use dark magic. But when he used dark magic on Rita (which was a terrifying scene!) and called Hermione-I really felt for him. I didn’t understand Hermione’s reaction though; I feel like she would’ve freaked out a little more at Harry’s shocking behavior- but given what they’ve all been through at this point, maybe they’re all a bit desensitized to violence.

The premise of this story is very interesting one and your writing by all accounts is very solid, and a PLEASURE to read. The Wizengamot hearing sounds very foreboding (though I assume he’ll be pardoned, given that he is the Wizarding world’s savior now). I only hope that you're careful with how you play Harry's character in the future - I, personally, have no qualms with the idea of Harry 'snapping' after the war; I can see it happening- but with many other readers, it will be a much harder sell. So make sure you sell it well :)

Some word choice tidbits:

"Come, brothers. We have... time eternal to argue," Dumbledore stated—Although I get what you’re saying, it might sound a little better to change ‘time eternal’ to ‘eternity’, maybe?

His torso, rising and falling inhaled a breath of the air that did not exist.—the idea of torsos inhaling air just seemed kind of odd to me. Maybe say, ‘expanded with a breath of air that did not exist’?

Bravo, a very solid story! Thanks for requesting and feel free to rerequest!

Author's Response: Thankyou very much! I'd actually forgotten I'd even requested a review :) But, it's great to know that you like my story, especially coming from someone whose stories are one of the most successful on HPFF! It isn't quite Harry that's casting that spell, but more his wand and the problems arising with that.

As for the torso part- haha, that's acutally quite funny I didn't notice it!

Thanks for the review! It was really helpful. I'm glad to know that you understood where I was trying to go with Harry's character after the war.

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Review #16, by shezMy Most Faithful: Prisoner

9th July 2014:
It was kind of short but I loved this chapter. Katarina's conversation with Anne was both heartbreaking and insightful; I see her as the future version of Anne (and I think Anne is beginning to see that too). Even so, her infatuation with Tom is so strong that she'll do anything for him.

My last review was kind of lame and I didn't mention this but I love your Tom Riddle. He's exactly how envision a teenage Voldy to be. And I love your OC too, the slow and sneaky way you've developed her, as well as her 'descent into darkness' and the dark romance she sometimes shares with our favorite psychopath. I don't really review often, because I usually don't get hooked on stories, but I just wanted to tell you that your story (and imagination) is really vivid and just plain awesome.


Author's Response: ahh i know it was short sorry. I didn't wanna start another scene after that though haha. I'm really glad you took the effort to review my story so kindly, you have no idea how much it means! I'll do my best to get another one out soon, and I hope I can continue to entertain :)

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Review #17, by shezThe Firebirds: A Requiem For Something Unknown

26th June 2014:
Hey there!

I like the whimsical tone of this, with the hidden darker undertones. At first I wasn't sure who the MC was in Harry Potter world - but I figure that's meant to be abstract: I'm picturing small child or a Luna-type figure. It was short but powerful. I enjoyed Penelope's (perhaps delusional) persistence even whilst being subject to "evening conversations and familial gossip".

I didn't exactly understand the significance of her wanting to be a diamond, but I got the sense that she's ill in some way? I was thinking of a fever - is that why she feels both hot and cold? Also, does she die at the end or does she actually find the firebirds? I know it's meant to be abstract but I'm just the annoyingly curious type :P

Well I definitely enjoyed this! I loved the clever, sneaky language used. Keep writing!

Author's Response: Hello!
Thank you! She was meant to be Penelope Clearwater and since we don't see her that much in the HP world I thought that, you know, might is well use every single piece of dramatic license that I can claw from the dramatic license shop!

I guess it was sort of a metaphor for strength, and for beauty? Idk I don't know what I'm on about half the time haha! And yeah she had hypothermia, and she survived! They were phoenixes which lived in her woods and they healed her with the healing tears!

Thank you so much for the review!

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Review #18, by shezMy Most Faithful: The Irish Exit

13th June 2014:
I'm not really sure what to say except that this is really good. I hope that you continue and I eagerly await an update :)

Author's Response: Thanks! I'm working on the next one, shouldn't be too long now!

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Review #19, by shezActions Speak Louder than Words: Back to the Beginning: Rose POV

26th May 2014:
I think your strongest suit is characterization, particularly harry's and albus'. The scorose element is, of course, fabulous- two damaged people coming together to heal each other. I loved dom's 'don't be wishy washy' comment to Scorpius in the last chapter-again, all the characterizations are very solid. That being said, I'd really like to see you explore rose and Scorpius in a way that extends beyond their undying affections for each other. It's not really a critique as much as it my personal opinion (feel free to ignore), but I think there's still plenty you can build on them with (especially with the fantastic set-up). Additionally, I want more information on stannous and why he's just after rose. Also, your writing is very good in the technical sense and I found no major errors. No part in this story was boring- I enjoyed reading it very much, so keep doing what you're doing, but be mindful when developing your villain and where you want things to go in context of rose's character arc. Thanks for writing :)

Author's Response: Hi Shez,

Thanks again for all of these great reviews! I really appreciate the feedback. I have much more planned for Stannous - as well as Rose and Scorpius. Their connection goes beyond needing each other to heal. One of my concerns is that I have drawn out the first part of this story too much. Perhaps you will get a chance to read future chapters that I put up and let me know how you think it is going.

Thanks again!


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Review #20, by shezActions Speak Louder than Words: Besieged: Rose POV

26th May 2014:
Dun dun dun! We meet the villian! I had a feeling we'd be hearing about him again. Oh No rrose! Don't worry, your family and boyfriend are going to save you. I didn't mention this earlier but I really like that all the kids are close to harry in this fic- and that they're all studying toward a higher education. Much about this story fits my headcannon. I love, LOVE albus in this, because he's my absolute favorite anywhere anyway. I really hope rose finally manages to face her fear head-on. I want to know why strannous came after her after all this time.

Author's Response: Yup. Stannous is a bad dude. And he is definitely targeting Rose. We won't know the reason for a bit (sorry!). My head canon consists of the fact that the golden trio are close to their kids - Harry definitely more so than Ron and Hermione (who focused on her career), but that they tried to overcompensate a bit by protecting them to the point of not really discussing the horrors of the war with them. I don't think that any of them want to relive that and they feel that the world is safe enough that they don't have to make their kids grow up as soon as they had to. I hope that makes sense, because the naivety of the next gen kids comes out in later chapters (especially Rose).

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Review #21, by shezActions Speak Louder than Words: Bitter: Scorpius POV

26th May 2014:
Haha I love the exchange between father and son potter. It fits ny headcanon for a extremely brilliant,hottempered, somewhat resentful-of-his-father's-reputation albus (though I think they'd still have a profound amount of respect for each other). I love that Scorpius has to be the rock between them (and I loved teddy helping along). Can't wait to see what role it plays into all of this!

Author's Response: Scorpius has a cool head in stressful situations and Albus is an amazing wizard, but he is not as collected. He wants to be an auror, but also wants to earn his keep outright, not because he his Harry Potter's kid. It's a tough spot. This scene was meant to give a little story about Al (and Harry), but mostly Al.

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Review #22, by shezActions Speak Louder than Words: Besotted: Rose POV

26th May 2014:
You have this amazing ability to make me (a rather non romantic person) really REALLY ship scorose. I usually don't but something about them-arggg... I want them to get together. I love Scorpius(even if he was a idiot back at hogwarts) I love rose, who is equal parts vulnerable and strong and an overall amazing friend. Even more than their romance, I love their friendship.

Author's Response: Wow. This is one of the nicest reviews I have ever gotten! I'm so glad to have converted you to the ScoRose team! Rose doesn't know that she has strength yet. Like I mentioned earlier, they just understand each other on a deeper level.

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Review #23, by shezActions Speak Louder than Words: Bereft: Scorpius POV

26th May 2014:
Poor, poor Scorpius :(. But I'm really enjoying the background on his and rose 's relationship. I love stories where they're friends rather than than enemies who go from hate to love - the latter's far too overdone. Ron's reaction was priceless haha and I love how understanding Harry and ginny are .

Author's Response: Yeah, Scorpius had a rough go during his Hogwarts years. I agree with you about the enemies to lovers story - I wanted to make this one a little different. I also wanted them to be together for reasons other than physical attraction and feuding families (although it is hard to escape the Malfoy/Weasley rivalry).

Harry feels a little more connected to Scorpius because they both lost their parents. He always was a little more understanding than Ron!

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Review #24, by shezActions Speak Louder than Words: Bent: Rose POV

26th May 2014:
Yikes! So rose was sexually assaulted in the cabin? I don't blame her for wanting to get away from it all. I really like Scorpius - he seems to understand rose better than anyone else there and I see the cute beginnings of a romance...I hope rose will get over her fear. Can wait ti learn more about the characters!

Author's Response: Hi Shez,

I meant to be mysterious about Rose's abduction, but perhaps I was a little too mysterious. You will get more specifics soon! Scorp and Rose do have a special connection - they just get each other.

Thanks again!


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Review #25, by shezActions Speak Louder than Words: Broken: Rose POV

26th May 2014:
Hey! So I think I'll leave a series of short reviews as I go through your fic and comment on things I noticed. All right! So... I like your beginning. It tells me enough to want to keep reading. So something traumatic happened to rose in the past (in school?) and it's made her into into a rather apologetic bundle of nerves. Do/did her friends know? I'm wondering why you chose to bold certain words in dialogue like 'beautiful' and 'only'-- are they related to her kidnapping? Oh oh this has me curious! I love mysteries!

Author's Response: Hi Shez,

First off, thanks for all the reviews! I really appreciate them. I'm glad the beginning worked to draw you in. Yep - Rose had something happen on the day she graduated from Hogwarts. Her friends know some of the story, but not all of it.

As far as making some words bold, I'm not sure. Since this was my first fic, and the very first chapter I published on this site, I think that maybe I wanted to italicize them, but wasn't sure which way would work better? I'm not sure. I will check it out.



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