Reading Reviews From Member: shez
  
74 Reviews Found

Review #1, by shezCarina: Carina

4th October 2014:
Whenever someone writes Tom Riddle, I tend to get overly excited and gush a lot.

OH MY GOSH I LOVE THIS.

First I'm SOO glad you didn't make this a love story, but the dark, dangerous aftermath of obsession. I personally don't like it when authors have young Voldy fall in love, because that's NOT him, but you don't do that and I appreciate it. He sees Carina only as his possession and doesn't return her sentiments of love (which, to him, is a sign of weakness and submission). He's manipulative. He's greedy. I LOVE HIM.


SKJBGKSJNSNKVKJNVONVDNLISFUL!!!KNSJDF!

Author's Response: Haha, I'm glad you liked it. Tom is a tricky character to do justice and to know that I didn't completely miss the mark with him is reassuring. Thank you for the kind review!

Dirigible_Plums xo

(I also get overly excited when it comes to Tom. Worrying, really, considering he's a psychopath :P )


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Review #2, by shezYear Five: Dozens of Little Televisions (1991)

23rd August 2014:
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THIS ROISIN???

I can't believe you didn't think I would like this – I don't know even know where to start! I don't even feel WORTHY of reviewing this…oh my god. How am I supposed to give concrit???

I’m gonna try.

I LOVE how distinctively ‘adolescent' Tristin and Sophie are! And it totally makes sense that you would go towards OF, because something like this doesn’t belong on a fanfic site – it belongs in a book! It’s the subtle incorporation of details – Sophie wanting to impress her friends/ get back at her ex by sleeping with the ‘mysterious’ boy who went to school abroad, massive ‘dirty-pants-and-dirty-books-hiding expedition’ (which we all still do, quite honestly), the falling asleep with contacts in (that too).

It’s not overtly dramatic or fatal. It’s hard to describe why I like your style so much – too often writers will string a thousand ‘pretty’ adjectives together to sound smart—you don’t do that. It’s not cheesy and ‘trying too hard’ to be clever. Your prose has an easy wit about it, and it’s a pleasure to read.

The nineties references were lost on me, unfortunately. :p

THE PICTURE SHE DROPS AND IT RESPONDS TO BEING DROPPED. I was so nervous she’d figure it out.

The whole ‘moving computers’, ‘working for the government’ excuse made me chuckle. It’s a little funny how Tristan’s mom is too busy fretting about the Statue of Secrecy rather than her son bringing a girl over. I got a slight Arthur Weasley-vibe from his dad. I bet it was all just so surreal for Sophie.

There was also something sad about her getting Obliviated-even though I don’t WANT to have any sympathy for her, I do- because she’s a kid. And he’s a kid. They’re both kids and that immediately makes them sympathetic (to me). The narrative is third person omniscient – but the focus I’m presuming will primarily be on Tristan. We don’t know much about him at this point except he’s a junkie and prone to doing stupid illegal things haha. I can’t wait to see the trouble he gets up to in Hogwarts. AND HOW THE WEASLEY TWINS TIE IN.

You said this was set in the backdrop of PS. So when ickle Harry and co. are running around battling Voldy—Tristan and his mates will be having a spliff? An encounter between Tristan and Harry would be hilarious!! 'Hey mate, wanna smoke?' 'Nah, I've got this double-faced dark lord after me.'

Edit: Just wanted to say that I tried really hard to find something to give concrit on. But it’s obvious you’ve put a lot of effort into this – planning and execution—and I won’t pretend to find mistakes where there aren’t any. I CAN’T. THIS IS SO GOOD.

But def rerequest, haha. Maybe next time I’ll have something more substantial for you than gushing.

Author's Response: !111!!!1!!! AH THANK YOU SO MUCH! I am conspicuously grinning!

Ah, and I am SO happy for your response to the Sophie characterization! I don't actually LIKE her very much, since she's a throw away intro device, but I still wanted some *pathos* there!

And ERMGERD, getting a comment from YOU on my prose is too much! I have written like five different rambling versions of this paragraph, so instead, I'll just say it was REALLY encouraging, (yet I still wish I could just write like you!)

Haha, all you need to catch about the nineties references is that they are nineties references ;) I was about one-years-old when this story takes place, so most of it comes from research. I just really wanted to be like, "hey look, it's the nineties!" since the movies were set ambiguously present-day (to, I believe, their detriment--it's way easier to call plot holes if internet and cell phones are everywhere).

YES, the picture responds to being dropped! You are the first person to comment on that! Thank you!

A few people have mentioned that it's unrealistic that the parents weren't more upset, so I might revisit that. Not to change it, since Tristan's parents are specifically permissive, but to focus on how it's a Statute thing. The point of that whole situation is that being a wizard straddling both world's would influence the teenage experience. And like, the girl getting obliviated after his first time is SUCH A SAD IDEA.

The narration is def HP style focalization, but you'll see that the POV rotates every chapter between the major characters.

"when Harry and co. are running around battling Voldy—Tristan and his mates will be having a spliff?": Yes. That is exactly this story! I figure that the Trio were just too busy fighting evil to get up to many normal teen shenanigans, which isn't true of the school at LARGE--and every school must have its burnouts :)

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWWW! It made my day, my week, my month!


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Review #3, by shezStarfall: Prologue

23rd August 2014:
Here with your requested review!

OH MY GOD. THIS IS BRILLIANT.

To answer all your questions in a nutshell- YES, the prologue pulls me in. And of course I can’t picture canon!Lily like this –which is WHY I want to keep reading. I love stories that are told out of order. And the whole thing was so wonderfully dramatic, like the beginning of a movie. I love how you tell it all from Voldemort’s perspective- ruthless, calculating, malevolent. This is so evilly delicious! I have too many favorite line and parts to describe to you. Your writing is solid. I honestly have no major crititque for this. I’m genuinely excited to see where it goes.

On to next chapter!

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Review #4, by shezGolden Meadowes: Chapter One: Sometimes Goodbye Really Is Forever

23rd August 2014:
Here with your requested review!

Well this a very interesting concept, not one I’ve seen in fanfic (though, granted, I haven’t read a lot of marauder fics /not/ centered around the marauders). Marlene is solidly characterized- pureblood, but defiant of her prejudiced parent’s expectations. A fierce friend. Still an innocent child with – I think- a very basic depiction of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ in the world (going off her conversation with Dumbledore). Then there’s the fear - “I’ll do anything I can to help Professor Dumbledore. I don’t want anyone else to die over this madness,” Dorcas declared strongly, although her voice wavered slightly, as the implications of what she had just committed to sank in.—I really liked this line. She’s not naturally brave, but she’s TRYING to be brave. Plus, given her pureblood background, joining the order is almost like betrayal isn’t it? Hmm…I wonder if Dorcas’ parents will play a larger role in this all. Through subtle incorporation of these details, the reader is able to get a sense that there will eventually be a conflict of expectation/fear and ‘doing the right thing’. Whatever that might be.


At any rate, you’ve given your OC a solid fundamental start and PLENTY of space to grow and develop as, I’m sure, this story takes a turn for the dark.

Now one of the things I noticed is the narrative describes both Dorcas and Lily as ‘stunning’ or overtly beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with having beautiful characters, but it’s something I’ve seen done consistently in fanfic, and- I dunno - it detracts from the realism of it. Of course, it’s your story, and you’re entitled to do what you wish, but my two cents would be go deeper and further than that. Description-wise, there are a thousand ways you can describe them without using words like ‘beautiful’, ‘handsome’, ‘perfect’, ‘emerald eyes’, ‘rosebud lips’. Make it a personal challenge to think of new ways to conceptualise people! The idea of three beautiful, smart, talented witches that are ALSO adored by the marauders can border on cliché – so I hope you go further than these initial characterisations.

I liked that Marlene keeps her joining the Order a secret from her friends. Though, we know that Lily, James, Sirius also end up joining the Order. If this adheres to canon, I’m sure they’ll be seeing a lot of each other!

One grammar tidbit I noticed:

Dorcas as, the confusion clear in her voice. --- ‘as’ should be ‘said’

Lovely read, and I hope my review can be of any use to you! Feel free to rerequest if you so wish!

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Review #5, by shezLumos: Temper

9th August 2014:
Hey there! You requested a review from me some time ago and I became this horribly lazy person over the summer, so really sorry about that. So your review:
Oh wow, this is REALLY good, and I wish I’d gotten to this sooner. I love, love LOVE your characterizations-in the beginning with Snape in the afterlife-the bitterness at meeting his childhood rivals. James and Sirius snark. Then Dumbledore’s whimsicalness. I LOVED it. I wonder (hope) that they’ll make an appearance again later in the story.

Your post-Voldemort Harry is how I envision him to be; broken, confused, jaded-though I can't go as far as to see him use dark magic. But when he used dark magic on Rita (which was a terrifying scene!) and called Hermione-I really felt for him. I didn’t understand Hermione’s reaction though; I feel like she would’ve freaked out a little more at Harry’s shocking behavior- but given what they’ve all been through at this point, maybe they’re all a bit desensitized to violence.

The premise of this story is very interesting one and your writing by all accounts is very solid, and a PLEASURE to read. The Wizengamot hearing sounds very foreboding (though I assume he’ll be pardoned, given that he is the Wizarding world’s savior now). I only hope that you're careful with how you play Harry's character in the future - I, personally, have no qualms with the idea of Harry 'snapping' after the war; I can see it happening- but with many other readers, it will be a much harder sell. So make sure you sell it well :)

Some word choice tidbits:

"Come, brothers. We have... time eternal to argue," Dumbledore stated—Although I get what you’re saying, it might sound a little better to change ‘time eternal’ to ‘eternity’, maybe?

His torso, rising and falling inhaled a breath of the air that did not exist.—the idea of torsos inhaling air just seemed kind of odd to me. Maybe say, ‘expanded with a breath of air that did not exist’?

Bravo, a very solid story! Thanks for requesting and feel free to rerequest!

Author's Response: Thankyou very much! I'd actually forgotten I'd even requested a review :) But, it's great to know that you like my story, especially coming from someone whose stories are one of the most successful on HPFF! It isn't quite Harry that's casting that spell, but more his wand and the problems arising with that.

As for the torso part- haha, that's acutally quite funny I didn't notice it!

Thanks for the review! It was really helpful. I'm glad to know that you understood where I was trying to go with Harry's character after the war.


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Review #6, by shezMy Most Faithful: Prisoner

9th July 2014:
It was kind of short but I loved this chapter. Katarina's conversation with Anne was both heartbreaking and insightful; I see her as the future version of Anne (and I think Anne is beginning to see that too). Even so, her infatuation with Tom is so strong that she'll do anything for him.

My last review was kind of lame and I didn't mention this but I love your Tom Riddle. He's exactly how envision a teenage Voldy to be. And I love your OC too, the slow and sneaky way you've developed her, as well as her 'descent into darkness' and the dark romance she sometimes shares with our favorite psychopath. I don't really review often, because I usually don't get hooked on stories, but I just wanted to tell you that your story (and imagination) is really vivid and just plain awesome.

UPDATE SOON :p

Author's Response: ahh i know it was short sorry. I didn't wanna start another scene after that though haha. I'm really glad you took the effort to review my story so kindly, you have no idea how much it means! I'll do my best to get another one out soon, and I hope I can continue to entertain :)

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Review #7, by shezThe Firebirds: A Requiem For Something Unknown

26th June 2014:
Hey there!

I like the whimsical tone of this, with the hidden darker undertones. At first I wasn't sure who the MC was in Harry Potter world - but I figure that's meant to be abstract: I'm picturing small child or a Luna-type figure. It was short but powerful. I enjoyed Penelope's (perhaps delusional) persistence even whilst being subject to "evening conversations and familial gossip".

I didn't exactly understand the significance of her wanting to be a diamond, but I got the sense that she's ill in some way? I was thinking of a fever - is that why she feels both hot and cold? Also, does she die at the end or does she actually find the firebirds? I know it's meant to be abstract but I'm just the annoyingly curious type :P


Well I definitely enjoyed this! I loved the clever, sneaky language used. Keep writing!

Author's Response: Hello!
Thank you! She was meant to be Penelope Clearwater and since we don't see her that much in the HP world I thought that, you know, might is well use every single piece of dramatic license that I can claw from the dramatic license shop!

I guess it was sort of a metaphor for strength, and for beauty? Idk I don't know what I'm on about half the time haha! And yeah she had hypothermia, and she survived! They were phoenixes which lived in her woods and they healed her with the healing tears!

Thank you so much for the review!
Astrid
x


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Review #8, by shezMy Most Faithful: The Irish Exit

13th June 2014:
I'm not really sure what to say except that this is really good. I hope that you continue and I eagerly await an update :)

Author's Response: Thanks! I'm working on the next one, shouldn't be too long now!

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Review #9, by shezActions Speak Louder than Words: Back to the Beginning: Rose POV

26th May 2014:
I think your strongest suit is characterization, particularly harry's and albus'. The scorose element is, of course, fabulous- two damaged people coming together to heal each other. I loved dom's 'don't be wishy washy' comment to Scorpius in the last chapter-again, all the characterizations are very solid. That being said, I'd really like to see you explore rose and Scorpius in a way that extends beyond their undying affections for each other. It's not really a critique as much as it my personal opinion (feel free to ignore), but I think there's still plenty you can build on them with (especially with the fantastic set-up). Additionally, I want more information on stannous and why he's just after rose. Also, your writing is very good in the technical sense and I found no major errors. No part in this story was boring- I enjoyed reading it very much, so keep doing what you're doing, but be mindful when developing your villain and where you want things to go in context of rose's character arc. Thanks for writing :)

Author's Response: Hi Shez,

Thanks again for all of these great reviews! I really appreciate the feedback. I have much more planned for Stannous - as well as Rose and Scorpius. Their connection goes beyond needing each other to heal. One of my concerns is that I have drawn out the first part of this story too much. Perhaps you will get a chance to read future chapters that I put up and let me know how you think it is going.

Thanks again!

Beth


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Review #10, by shezActions Speak Louder than Words: Besieged: Rose POV

26th May 2014:
Dun dun dun! We meet the villian! I had a feeling we'd be hearing about him again. Oh No rrose! Don't worry, your family and boyfriend are going to save you. I didn't mention this earlier but I really like that all the kids are close to harry in this fic- and that they're all studying toward a higher education. Much about this story fits my headcannon. I love, LOVE albus in this, because he's my absolute favorite anywhere anyway. I really hope rose finally manages to face her fear head-on. I want to know why strannous came after her after all this time.

Author's Response: Yup. Stannous is a bad dude. And he is definitely targeting Rose. We won't know the reason for a bit (sorry!). My head canon consists of the fact that the golden trio are close to their kids - Harry definitely more so than Ron and Hermione (who focused on her career), but that they tried to overcompensate a bit by protecting them to the point of not really discussing the horrors of the war with them. I don't think that any of them want to relive that and they feel that the world is safe enough that they don't have to make their kids grow up as soon as they had to. I hope that makes sense, because the naivety of the next gen kids comes out in later chapters (especially Rose).

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Review #11, by shezActions Speak Louder than Words: Bitter: Scorpius POV

26th May 2014:
Haha I love the exchange between father and son potter. It fits ny headcanon for a extremely brilliant,hottempered, somewhat resentful-of-his-father's-reputation albus (though I think they'd still have a profound amount of respect for each other). I love that Scorpius has to be the rock between them (and I loved teddy helping along). Can't wait to see what role it plays into all of this!

Author's Response: Scorpius has a cool head in stressful situations and Albus is an amazing wizard, but he is not as collected. He wants to be an auror, but also wants to earn his keep outright, not because he his Harry Potter's kid. It's a tough spot. This scene was meant to give a little story about Al (and Harry), but mostly Al.



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Review #12, by shezActions Speak Louder than Words: Besotted: Rose POV

26th May 2014:
You have this amazing ability to make me (a rather non romantic person) really REALLY ship scorose. I usually don't but something about them-arggg... I want them to get together. I love Scorpius(even if he was a idiot back at hogwarts) I love rose, who is equal parts vulnerable and strong and an overall amazing friend. Even more than their romance, I love their friendship.

Author's Response: Wow. This is one of the nicest reviews I have ever gotten! I'm so glad to have converted you to the ScoRose team! Rose doesn't know that she has strength yet. Like I mentioned earlier, they just understand each other on a deeper level.

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Review #13, by shezActions Speak Louder than Words: Bereft: Scorpius POV

26th May 2014:
Poor, poor Scorpius :(. But I'm really enjoying the background on his and rose 's relationship. I love stories where they're friends rather than than enemies who go from hate to love - the latter's far too overdone. Ron's reaction was priceless haha and I love how understanding Harry and ginny are .

Author's Response: Yeah, Scorpius had a rough go during his Hogwarts years. I agree with you about the enemies to lovers story - I wanted to make this one a little different. I also wanted them to be together for reasons other than physical attraction and feuding families (although it is hard to escape the Malfoy/Weasley rivalry).

Harry feels a little more connected to Scorpius because they both lost their parents. He always was a little more understanding than Ron!


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Review #14, by shezActions Speak Louder than Words: Bent: Rose POV

26th May 2014:
Yikes! So rose was sexually assaulted in the cabin? I don't blame her for wanting to get away from it all. I really like Scorpius - he seems to understand rose better than anyone else there and I see the cute beginnings of a romance...I hope rose will get over her fear. Can wait ti learn more about the characters!

Author's Response: Hi Shez,

I meant to be mysterious about Rose's abduction, but perhaps I was a little too mysterious. You will get more specifics soon! Scorp and Rose do have a special connection - they just get each other.

Thanks again!

~Beth


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Review #15, by shezActions Speak Louder than Words: Broken: Rose POV

26th May 2014:
Hey! So I think I'll leave a series of short reviews as I go through your fic and comment on things I noticed. All right! So... I like your beginning. It tells me enough to want to keep reading. So something traumatic happened to rose in the past (in school?) and it's made her into into a rather apologetic bundle of nerves. Do/did her friends know? I'm wondering why you chose to bold certain words in dialogue like 'beautiful' and 'only'-- are they related to her kidnapping? Oh oh this has me curious! I love mysteries!

Author's Response: Hi Shez,

First off, thanks for all the reviews! I really appreciate them. I'm glad the beginning worked to draw you in. Yep - Rose had something happen on the day she graduated from Hogwarts. Her friends know some of the story, but not all of it.

As far as making some words bold, I'm not sure. Since this was my first fic, and the very first chapter I published on this site, I think that maybe I wanted to italicize them, but wasn't sure which way would work better? I'm not sure. I will check it out.

Thanks!

~Beth


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Review #16, by shezEvolution: The End of the Line

24th April 2014:
Hey there! Returning the (admittedly, even later) review swap!

I decided to go with the classic Jilly and I have to say, I'm really pleased with the direction you plan on taking it, not rushing into the romance, rather letting it play out in a more organic way. That, in addition to your sophisticated diction choices, really makes this a treat to read (and I think that switching perspectives is a great idea!).

Chapter 1-- I really like the way you chose to portray James and his home-life. I personally never pictured him to be as rich as, say, Sirius, or even be in the possession of a house-elf, but the way you wrote it felt very natural and plausible to me. Likewise, the exposition [from the marauders to quidditch to Severus to his father to, of course, his emerging feelings for Lily] was very well done for an intro chapter. So of course I read chapter 2 :)

Chapter 2-- Ahh, the falling away of a friendship. It's sad but necessary, I think, for Lily transitioning from childhood to adulthood (and eventually James). I really like the attention both James and Lily give to Severus in their introspective chapters; I like that you've given him a fairly large role. He's always been my favorite character so I can't wait to see him develop! Lily's letter to him is really heartbreaking.

I think this a really unique James and Lily story (and no I don't mean Jily. I like that you've chosen to explore both characters as individuals before pairing them up). This is a fantastic beginning to a story!

Author's Response: Howdy! Thanks for the swap (and for reading two chapters not just one)!

I'm glad you like the approach I'm taking. I really wanted to delve into both James and Lily independently for quite some time before bringing them together for several reasons. First, I just don't think it's realistic that they suddenly fall for one another given their history. Second (and related), I wanted to show that both of them - not just James - needed to grow in certain ways and understand themselves better before their feelings become mutual, let alone before they begin a relationship. Third, I wanted to challenge the "soulmates" trope that seems to exist around them (more particularly with James) by showing each of them in other realistic relationships before they pair up. I think I'll probably come back and edit parts of the early portion to accomplish these goals more appropriately, because I'm not satisfied with aspects of them that come later in the story, but we'll see.

As for Snape, I'm glad you liked those inclusions too! I will confess that while he is interwoven throughout the story, he doesn't feature frequently through most of the first half (which is beyond where I've written so far) - however he does feature more strongly later, and if you keep reading, I hope you'll find I did him justice.

Thanks again for the swap! I appreciated your thoughtful and detailed review!


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Review #17, by shezClassic: Prologue

21st April 2014:
Wow, this is interesting! I was expecting some fluffy generic Albus/OC but you've really caught my attention. I'm curious to find out more about the MC and her pseaudoamorous relationship with Tom Riddle. One thing I would point out is that your summary and banner ( fairly lighthearted ) don't exactly reflect the tone of this deliciously dark chapter.

I'd like to see where this story goes!

Author's Response: Well, hello! Thanks for the darling review. I'm glad you enjoyed the prologue, and I can't say how flattered I am --you're an amazing compliment giver.
Yes, the banner/summary really is quite light, and I know the first chapter doesn't exactly match up with the sunny mood. However, the story will become happier in later chapters [yay!] :-) Anyways, thanks again for the review!
-Sam


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Review #18, by shezBirdie (Speed Dating Entry): Birdie

7th April 2014:
Review Swap!

So I went with a good ol' fashioned ScoRose and Weasely catastrophe. I loved all the reactions and characters you included in this; my favorite being Hugo's :

You’ve got my support, but you should know that the last male that was added to the Weasley family by marriage was Harry Potter.”


Haha, way to psyche him out there!


I also liked that things didn't go perfectly (I loved that Scorpius responded with "Yes sir" to Ron. It seems like the thing he would do.). Relationships can be tough and unconventional and though the story didn't end on a happily-ever-after note, I'm thinking Scorpius is going to be just fine in the Weasely clan.

Thoough he'll probably never bring up the house elf haha.

One thing I thought/was looking forward and you didn't have was how Rose and Scorpius came to be, well, a couple. It's pretty much assumed in most stories that they'll end up that way (You have them as best friends and then engaged) but I would've liked to see. Still, I really enjoyed this read. It was light and funny and I love reading about the Weasely clan. Thanks for writing!

:)

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for the swap! Sorry I've taken so long to respond.

I agree that Scorpius will probably end up okay:). There might be a sequel in the works between Isobel and I... not completely sure.

I would've liked to expand on how they got to be that way, too, but for the event this was written for there was a word limit (which I came very close to!)

Thanks so much for the review, I'm glad that you enjoyed it!


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Review #19, by shezLike a Rat in a Maze: Coal-black Eyes

2nd April 2014:
Here from review tag!

I expected great things from the writer of detox, but this...whoah. This blew my mind. I don't think I've read a Snape-interrogating-Peter story before but I can totally see this happening in canon. You captured Peter's cowardice,guilt,weak personality so seamlessly it's a pleasure to read. And SNAPE...oh my gosh. I love Snape so much that I can't stand any story that doesn't do hum justice. You've done him justice. That's all I can say. I can see him go mental like this when he finds Pettigrew was responsible for Lily's death.

AND THAT ENDING. Wait, is this a one-shot?


Even so, Bravo. It's been a pleasure reading this.

shez

Author's Response: Hi, there.

I always found it hard to imagine that Snape would be able to stop himself from hurting Peter during Peter's stay at Spinner's End. Peter was responsible for the tragedy that Snape risked everything to prevent. I'm really glad that you thought I did Snape justice. That was really important to this story.

This was indeed a one-shot. I'm leaving it up to the reader to decide how many times Snape indulges his desire for vengeance. Could be only two, could be many more...

I'm really please that you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading and reviewing!


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Review #20, by shezVoldemort on Broadway: Chapter 1

15th March 2014:
Review tag!

So I'm picturing Voldy walking through the subway station in NY in tourist clothing.could not stop laughing. This is BRILLIANT. This is just what the world needed. Rita Skeeter publicist for Voldy (we all knew she had a dark side)? Harry directing his own musical (egotist much)? Gilderoy getting the much coveted part (will they have to surgically remove his nose? oh boy.)???

I can see this happening.

Dude this is canon. Yep. My only complaint is that it was way too short (and that I didn't get to see the musical).


Thank you for making the world a better place.

Author's Response: Thanks a lot for the review!

I'm greatly amused by picturing Voldy in regular every day situations. And I definitely wouldn't put this past Rita.

Thanks again!


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Review #21, by shezDetox: Sobering Up

17th February 2014:
THIS CHAPTER. OH MY.

First, I'd like to commend you for writing such nitty-gritty narrative. Too often I read overtly flowery fanfic that romanticizes Draco or the dark post-war occurrings but THIS--wow. I read this twice and both stunned by and envious of your talent for such vivid visceral description. This isn't fanfic--this could be a novel, and in fact, is already better than most.

Now clearly you're doing a how Draco-met-Astoria story, but I've seen it done like this. I've never seen Draco quite like this either, how you've managed to incorporate all the facets of him into one drunken encounter. He's angsty and tormented and has a relative case of PTSD, but he's still the same Draco we from the books. The instance when the bartender kicks him out saying 'we don't serve your kind here' really demonstrates how the Wizarding world has evolved since the war, where prior, it was discrimination against mudbloods. Tides have shifted and Draco now stands on the losing end. And it sucks big time.

This line--They were a bunch of bloody fools, but still the closest thing to friends he had left in the world.-- Personally I've always seen Draco as a wary perpetrator, a coward, not quite having the guts to exercise his own resolve. Whereas his so-called-friends are still disillusioned , he atleast is able to acknowledge he was in the wrong. He's still arrogant, characteristically so, and parrots his father (I loved that line by the way).

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about Astoria yet--the fact she shows up out of nowhere is a bit deux-ex-machima. I'm not entirely sure why she wants to help him either (aside from, I guess, just being a good person). We don't know much about her, but I can understand Draco's initial fascination with her. I would think he'd feel the same for anyone that stepped up and helped him out, The tidbits of her personality--definitely pureblood ('finders fee' haha).

This is probably the best post-war Draco fic I've ever read. No. This IS the best.

*furtively slips into favorites*

Author's Response: Hi, there!

Nitty-gritty is a specialty of mine, or so I'm told. I just tried hard to think about which details Draco would be most likely to pick up on at the various levels of sobriety that we see him at in this chapter. I'm really glad that it was vivid for you.

I tried to put Draco in the frame of mind that I thought he would have been in following the end of the war. "His side" lost the war. His family is disgraced and I'd assume that they barely avoided Azkaban. An awful lot of what he was taught to believe about blood purity and the justness of the Death Eaters' cause turned out to be total garbage. Voldemort only cared about his own power and immortality; the Malfoys were nothing but an expendable tool. So I think it makes total sense that he would have been depressed and very disillusioned. The PTSD also seems like a perfectly natural outcome of having witnesses such horrors.

I think Draco did a lot of growing up between the end of OotP and the end of the war. He learned that there are some things you can't buy with money and that his father was far out of his depth in the company of true killers like his aunt. His friends didn't see the things that Draco saw, at least not firsthand.

Astoria is definitely "too good to be true" in this chapter. I'd only ask you to remember that you're seeing her through Draco's hazy eyes. Her flaws will emerge later on...

Those are very kind things to say and I really appreciate them. Thanks for reading and reviewing!


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Review #22, by shezHoping for A Heartbeat : Prologue

14th February 2014:
Hey there!

I wasn't particularly in the mood for romance stories but I read this because I have a special weakness for canon character-studies haha. So I think this is a very effective opening chapter--essentially you went through and lent light on Ginny's childhood infatuation with Harry and how it fluctuates with everything he faces--and reaches to the point where it becomes mutual and they get married. It's canon told from Ginny's perspective, basically, and very well done. I know this story is about miscarriage and that's going to be a very tough and touchy subject, and I can see that you intend to write from personal experience. I think that's very brave of you :)

One thing that was a bit distracting was in the technical aspect of the writing itself. You had many senteces that were run-ons and could do with commas (unless you intend it to be like that, seeing as it's Ginny's thoughts--in which case, feel free to ignore the following).

For example, a sentence like this:


I hated them all for it for a little while but then I realized Harry truly needed to do whatever he needed to to kill that horrible snake faced Voldemort or he would kill all of us in just a matter of a few waves of his wand or control of his puppets, the Death Eaters.

would read a little easier like this:

I hated them all for it for a little while, but then I realized the importance of Harry needing to kill that horrible snake-faced monster. Otherwise, Voldemort would kill us all with just a few waves of his wand or through one of his Death Eater puppets.

If you fix a couple comma/period issues and take out some repetitive words and phrases, I think it will improve the flow of your writing. Just fine-tune things a bit. Maybe a beta?

Very interesting Ginny story. Thanks for the swap!

Author's Response: Hey shez,
Long time no talk!
Thanks so much for reading my story even though you didn't feel like reading romance at the moment. That means alot!:)
Thanks for the corrections too because I will take all I can get! You are awesome as always! Hope to talk to you again soon!
-Lindsey:)


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Review #23, by shezDevlin Potter: Riddle and Rescue: Midnight Routines

14th February 2014:
Hey!

So can I just say I love your banner? It’s EPIC. I‘d favorite this story again just for the banner (your awesome story-telling makes it ten times better though haha).

Harry is quite the angry father---the fact he knows his stolen son has probably been tainted and corrupted but doesn’t care because it’s his son and he loves him unconditionally---Like in the books, he has a bit of a hero-complex and I wonder how that will fare for him here. From what I’ve seen so far of Devlin, I think it’s really going to push Harry to the edge. (Third chapter and as you can see, I’m already trying to predict the end haha).

I don't know if I mentioned this before but I really like that Sirius is alive; that strong emotional attachment he fares with the Potter family is realistic and comforting (I like to know there’s someone there for them) and the scene of him arriving (charmingly) in his boxers adds a bit of levity this dark dark story really needs. I like Alexandria so far but I don’t trust her—seeing as she is presumably the child of Voldemort she probably has a dark side to her as well. I’m also wondering if and when we’ll be seeing more of Ron and Hermione.

So I feel like I’m missing something very large. I know Devlin has blood ties to Voldemort via I’m assuming Alexandra (speaking of which, how did her and Harry meet? Does he know her background? VOLDEMORT… CHILD??? HOW??? Ok, this definitely needs a backstory and if I’m right, I want to know who Mama Voldemort is/was. Like now).

The connect Devlin has with Geoffrey is fascination—not-quite friend and not-quite parent but for some reason a guardian--I’m curious to know exactly how it originated and learn more about our surprisingly humane (or double-agent?) death-eater.

So I think something’s wrong, like I’m missing something very big. I don’t Voldy would part with Devlin or let himself be deceived so easy so I’m going to say he’s planted Devlin there to spy on Harry. I don’t know to what extent Geoffry is involved but I’ll gander that he doesn’t know. You did have an auror mention that the attacking death-eaters were ‘going easy’ on them.—so I’m going to say it’s a conspiracy.

AWESOME EPIC STORY. IGNORE MY RIDICULOUS PREDICTIONS I DON’T MAKE SENSE WHEN I’M EXCITED.

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Review #24, by shezPicking Up the Pieces: Restless

13th February 2014:
Hey there! Saw your forum message and thought it would be good time to catch on my reading PUTP. And give the chappie some love :) (I also hate it when you put so much effort in writing something and people are too lazy to review).

Anyway there's so many awesome things occurring in this and the previous several chapters I'm not sure where my sleep-deprived self should start.

So I'm really loving all the developments thus far. This fic is definitely enjoyed more when read in a binge as opposed to, say, three chapters at a time. Astoria and Draco drifting apart, Draco and Ana drifting closer, Ron and Harry and Draco being...well, themselves I guess, and ANDERS (can I just say that I love him? Though I never liked Anders in DA2. But your Anders reminds me more of Varric haha. Love his relationship with Draco and the 'Nancy' comments.

ANDERS. I love the Ana-Anders sibling relationship--They have a bit of a sibling rivalry but still care very deeply for each other. Wow this chapter was action-y! Ana's transformation at the sound of Draco in danger is very scary and visceral (budding feelings there, right? right?). I'd probably make a comment on plot here but I'm sleepy and don't quite know where it's going to go (which is good thing! Keeps my interest) so I guess I'll just keeping reading. After I finish my hw haha.

I have to say the quality of your writing has definitely changed from the earlier chapters. The dialogue/banter reads really well. Description, setting, tone--it's all pretty consistent (and makes me so reminiscent of Dragon Age I want to go replay the games. again. WHY?)

I'll come back for the last two chapters at some point with better reviews. (Sorry for the lameness of this review. I'm too sleepy to be alive).

Anyway, keep writing! Don't give up on this story or Templars will hunt you down! :)

(youshouldwriteDragonagefanfictionitdbeawesome)

Author's Response: Oh gawsh, now I feel like a complete whiner, which I particularly am when I'm sick. Ugh, flu season :(

YOU PLAY DRAGON AGE? I'M BLOWN AWAY RIGHT NOW. And go replay them girl, that's what I'm in the middle of doing right now haha. Did we talk about this before? Surely I would have remembered. BONDING MOMENT.

I'm glad that you noticed my evolving writing style. I've been trying really hard to suck up all the criticisms and really change for the better. You noticed, and I completely adore your writing, so I'm actually kind of blushing right now haha. I'm editing my earlier chapters as well to read much more like these current ones. Merlin knows they need editing haha

Oh, that reminds me, if you wanna tear my chapter apart, go ahead. I'm so in need of CC. Like you said, my writing style has changed, but it's not where I want it to be yet. Any suggestions are welcome :)

Isn't Anders so sassy?! I definitely pulled more from Anders in the DA:O DLC than in DA2.

I'm so scared to write DAFF! I've read some of a friend's and it completely blows me away what she does with it, so now I'm like, I think I'll wait till my writing gets better haha.

There are so many budding feelings you have no idea hahaha. I can't wait for you to read more!

Thank you so much for providing me with some sort of validation on my writing! And thank you for taking the time to review!

--Monica


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Review #25, by shezThe Spider's Web: The Field

2nd February 2014:
Review Swap!

So I read two chapters since the first one was kind of short and the summary was really intriguing so I wanted to see where it would go. I really the Lily/Scorpius combination--especially loving Lily--how she's such an earnest and hard worker. she'd definitely intelligent but also gets a bit intimidated and flustered by other people (i.e. Scorpius). This line:

Lily would just need to work harder than everyone else. She’d been doing that her entire life.

^really resonated with me. I love the sincerity and sheer dedication it conveys. Makes me love characters like Lily.

Ernie seemed a bit creepy but I think you mean him to and Bridget is just thekind of horrible coworker no one wants. I think Lily and Scorpius will have a very interesting dynamic--he's kind of arrogant but she stands her own against him. And oh this is a mystery! LOVE.

Thanks for writing and the review swap :)

Author's Response: Hey!

Thank you! I wanted to make her a realistic character who is almost painfully aware of her upbringing, spending a lifetime trying to work against people's prejudices. I'm glad you liked that line, a couple of other people have commented on that too and I think it sums her up nicely!

Ernie is definitely creepy, there's more than meets the eye with him, and Bridget is so fun to write as she's so nasty. It is indeed! I'm glad you've liked this so far :)

You're welcome!


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