Characterization is looking good. I'm starting to like the slightly quirky Carmen. As i think i said before, sometime your descriptions can be inconsistent but your continuity is looking really good.Author's Response: Hey again!
Carmen is my baby, so I am overjoyed to hear that she has found an appreciative audience :D
Several others have also pointed out the inconsistency in my descriptions and , although I am not quite sure I understand what that means, I will try to even out the chapter :) Report Review
It's not faultless but I don't think that it's a bad start. Infact, I quite like this.
You've done well to highlight the characteristic between Rose and Carmen. I also like how there aren't huge chunks of description but instead they are embedded with the action as it makes for easy and more interesting reading. Personally, I don't really care for huge amounts of description when reading but when I'm writing I do think that it's important to be more seamless in your inclusion of description. So that there's maybe a sentence more than you're already doing and perhaps not as many similes or metaphors or a variation of description techniques.
Really liking it so far though :DAuthor's Response: Hello :)
Description has always been a terrible chore for me. I guess that is why I am a film student and not a literatue student haha
I will try to clean it up since certain parts feel odd to me as well.Glad to hear that you like the story despite its flaws! Report Review
This story certainly grew on me. I thought it was really clever how you wrote a story about James II that mirrored the story of James Potter I. I especially like the line about James chasing after his own lily. Clever pick of a name. It also subverted the idea of how cliche this story could've been.
This story was not without it's cliches but because it was so well written, I barely noticed. Some things, like how James bestfriend and Calla's best friend date because James and Calla are linked was a bit cliche as well as Calla's love rival Lauren threatening Calla. I just think that although it was needed to develop the story and so that Calla's real family could come out, I found it slightly unrealistic that someone would threaten another person to stay away from someone. I don't have the MOST life experience but generally, I think girls in particular are more secret about plotting and stuff.
I also think it kinda made Lauren seem a bit 2D but it really, really doesn't matter because she isn't a main character and because it's from Calla's subjective point of view, it'll obviously be biased.
I also think you need to work a tiny bit more on continuity. Like how Andie is supposed to be a bit of a heartbreaker but there isn't any evidence for this and how although Calla is Head Girl, she doesn't appear to be bogged down by the job.
You are a talented writer though. I think my favourite line is after James and Calla break up and she remarks that when they were flying he never to let go. I actually nearly died at that. Loved it sooo much. I also liked the twists in the story with Calla's real parentage as it was well thought out and it fit with the story so well.
I think that you are also really skilled at characterizing your protagonists and setting the pace of the story. This gave the story more depth as more than just a romance but also about re-evaluating things in a new light and dealing bereavement. You characterised Calla really well as someone level-headed but not without her flaws of sometimes commanding sympathy. James also appeared like someone who was marred by his family's past experiences but grew throughout the story, which made me like them as characters rather than just in the context of the story.
I love, love, love your writing so I hope I gave some useful pointers and didn't ramble too much but there aren't enough characters for how talented you are.Author's Response: Aww thank you so much! This was an extremely helpful and lovely review!
Cliches were definitely something I worried about while writing this story, especially after I figured out that I wasn't oh-so-creative in making a James Potter I/II parallel. I do completely and totally see the cliches you pointed out, though. I never particularly liked Lauren and I think I just added her in there half-way through to add some drama when Karen Ambs wasn't in the picture. I suppose that's why I didn't put much thought into developing her. Yes, I knew when I wrote Andie as a heartbreaker it would extremely difficult to pull it off. I completely agree with you that there should have been more evidence. I think that's my problem: I introduce a character trait and then I don't really back it up. The Head Girl thing, too, was something that I probably just gave up on. I know it isn't really an excuse, but I like to think that because this was my first story, I get to be excused (which I don't, but you know, haha).
I'm so glad that you liked Calla and James! I really put the most effort in these people- especially Calla, who I had to steer wildly in different directions so that she wouldn't be a Mary-Sue (and I hope she wasn't!). I'm glad you liked the name pun with Calla, too!
I really feel the compliment on my writing and I loved this review. It was really helpful :) Although I can't really use a lot of your advice on this story because it would include drastically changing the plot, this review has most certainly given me loads of wonderful advice to keep in mind in future stories! Thanks again!
~cb ") Report Review
I love how this story doesn't have/conform to cliches. Millie and Berkley's friendship is so endearing. Despite her messups, however plentiful they are, he always looks out for Millie. I love the depiction of their friendship. it's so realistic because friends are always there for you, even when you come up with harebrained schemes. You are also so good at characterising all the characters we've encountered so far.
I also love the pace of the story, sometimes characters who are dealing with breakups seem way to preoccupied and hurt and then it seems to take up most of their lives and narrative, which can be quite annoying but with Millie, you can see that she has other things to deal with as well.
Love when she says "slaggy boyfriend thief that she is" - made me chuckle haha.
My only criticism is you need to update more hahaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I'm so glad that you enjoyed this story and that it didn't really have any cliches - that's something that I'm working really hard at. I love Millie and Berkley's friendship too and a lot of readers seem to as well which makes me happy. It's something that I'm really proud of.
And I'm so glad that you like what I've done with Millie's character and how she's dealing with the break-up. I mean, it's definitely something that's on the back of her mind and this whole hipster thing is her own way of distracting herself, but I didn't want it to define her. So thank you!
And I know I'm so bad at updating haha. Let's hope that 2013 is a better writing year for me :)
Thanks for reading and reviewing! I'll try to update soon!
~Jess :D Report Review
really loving this story atm. I especially like how James and Hollie aren't together yet. Review soon, I feel like the storm is going to unleash some tumultuous emotions. great so far...Author's Response: HELLO AGAIN! Thank you! And yes the storm is definitely a crucial part of the story emotions-wise. xD Report Review
I'm loving the characterisation of Eve, Hollie and Dom. You already see hints of their differing personalities. Although i really like the girls, I do get the sense that they are slightly immature for 17/18. That being said, I love their, especially Hollie's naivety because it makes me like her even more. I also like the slow progression of her friendship with James.Author's Response: Hiya! Thank you so much that's really encouraging. :D I'm pleased you like them. I suppose that they are a little immature but remember that Hollie's actually only 16! And I want room for her to develop, so that's sort of why I made her see shallow/immature at first. :) Thank you for your lovely reviews!!
-LWG Report Review
I really like the potential of this story. I like the relationship between Dom, Eve and Hollie as it seems natural but i think you could do a little more to develop the characters a bit more. This is a fantastic first chapter, though.
I'm not sure about phones and electronics in Hogwarts because of all of the magic but it's nextgen so it's not completely out of place.
I do think it's a little bit cliche but it's mostly well written, which makes up for it. With the characterisation of Savannah, I think there needs to be something more redeeming about her character so that she doesn't appear to be a 2 dimensional character.
However, I think the plot is quite original.Author's Response: Hey! Thanks a bunch for this review, I've really enjoyed reading it! :)
I've worked quite a lot on the characterisation of hollie, Dom and Eve actually because I really wanted there to be obvious character traits and differences between them. But it shows up a little better in later chapters!
The only real reason I wanted them to have phones was because it would make the 'matchmaking' operations a lot easier to co-ordinate and more professional even? Idk, maybe it wasn't a good idea, but like you said - it's more plausible seeing as this is 2017+ we're talking about.
Hmm... the dreaded cliches! They're hard to get around really because, well, they're everywhere!! Thanks for your feedback on it. You're right about Savannah, I'll work on that...
I really like how you wrote this story. I love the characterisation of Louis, including typical traits of a three year old, such as having a favourite sibling and being afraid of the dark.
I also liked how easy this was to read, it's not too heavy of a chapter and vocabulary is chosen really well, in a way that means you don't get bogged down with the text but your point gets across.
I also really like the portrayal of Fleur and her burst of french and the fact that Louis calls her "maman." I think this story is a adorable and written faultlessly.Author's Response: Thank you for all the compliments! I was so worried Louis would be too baby-like. I'm glad you liked this :) And, of course, thank you for the review! Report Review
First of all, I definitely thought that the main character was a woman for some reason. I'm not really sure why now. But i maintain that you've developed HIM very well. I'm starting to get the sense that he's quite compassionate. I think you could slow the pace down slightly. Perhaps include anecdotes about the relationship between Kaitlin and James so that him dumping her seems a lot more powerful.
Otherwise, carry on. I know i'm going to enjoy reading this.Author's Response: Thank you again :) I didn't realise everything was a bit rushed, thank you for telling me. I was planning on revealing a bit more about Kaitlin and James's relationship in later chapters, but I might just go back and add in a few more details to make it more powerful, as you said! Report Review
I really love the plot idea. I haven't seen it here on HPFF before. I think it's a really good opener and I really like how we don't know much about the protagonist but that she's passionate about Quidditch and very stubborn as it slowly allows us to piece together her personality without an overabundance in the first chapter like many other stories do. Although i see the relevance in this chapter, I think there is a lot of dialogue in this chapter, which isn't matched by the level of description included.Author's Response: Thank you :) I'll most certainly go back and look at the dialouge, maybe tweak it a little in places, and try and balance it out! Report Review
Aaah, I really loved this. I had this internal struggle whilst reading this, thinking i want them to get back together but they shouldn't because he reeally screwed up. What I'm trying to say is, you're a fantastic writer. You do need to reread in some places but I hope you write something longer soon.Author's Response: I'm so glad you liked it! I'm not working on it's longer version anytime soon but a few ideas have been hopping around!
I'll work on some errors when I start editing this again.
Thank you sooo much for your review! :) Report Review
I've been looking for a story exactly like this for ages and yours is just perfection.
My first favourite!Author's Response: I recognize you from the forums!! Thank you so much!! I'm flattered by your favorite and appreciate the review. Report Review
I really like this.
I'm not a usual James/Lily fan but I liked how simple and romantic this was.
You've introduced me to new genre and I've discovered a fantastic writer. Thank you.
peanuts11Author's Response: Hello!
I'm glad you like it! I'm rather fond of it too. :p
Thank you so much for these kind compliments, they really put a smile on my face. :)
Thanks for reviewing! :D Report Review
Aw, i really like this story. You're so descriptive that i can almost feel her pain. I hope you update soon :)Author's Response: I put a lot of though into my descriptions, I'm really glad you like them. Also, you're my first reviewer! WOOOHOOO! Report Review
Original and interesting. I like the refreshing take from a Hufflepuff's POV. Can't wait to read more :DAuthor's Response: Thank you :D Report Review
I'm liking the direction of this story. I just wish that i could get a description of Evangeline so that i can get more of a feel for the story. I'll be looking out for the next chapter :)Author's Response: yeah, i realized i have given little to no description of her so far (which is actually very out of character for my writing, because usually i describe things in unnecessary detail) so i will definitely include a better description of her in chapter three and other upcoming chapters as well. thanks a lot for taking the time to leave a review and i'm really glad you like it! :D
-M Report Review
Update! Please :). I really, really like Leah and Pretty Boy. She's already taking shape as a 3 Dimensional character :)Author's Response: I'm glad you think so. Thanks for the review! Report Review
Awww, i love this story. Especially the part at the end. I almost choked up :p
Amazing!Author's Response: Hey there peanuts11! It's great hearing from new reviewers!
I'm really glad you're enjoying the story so far, and it means a lot to me that you took the time to review, so thank you! And I know, the end was a bit on the depressing side but I'm thrilled that you're enjoying it! Thanks again, and the next chapter will hopefully be up by this weekend! Report Review
I like this, its a fun read and i think you've a real idea about where you're going with it. So i'll look out for it. :)Author's Response: Yeah it's pretty clear in my head. Thanks for reading Report Review
My first review for this story. I absolutely love Frizz and Stud Muffin's rambling. And her joke about the carrots and the peas. I've been telling that joke to everyone. Classic. I like how this story doesn't have Frizz falling for Sirius and then getting pretty and him liking her at the start. Its got more depth because they are friends. Good job :DAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review! I have fun with the rambling- in fact, the chapter you see is about half of what it originally was. I have to cut out some of the ramblings, because they get so completely off-track and go on for a really, really long time. Despite the very, very clichÃ©d plot, I've been trying to make this as original as possible. The Brussels Sprouts may have been going a little over the top, I admit. ;) But I'm glad you appreciate their friendship. Thank you, again! Report Review
I really like Melanie's quirky character, its consistent and really funny. This story is different from everyone elses and i really like that. Keep doing what you're doing. :)Author's Response: Thanks, it's nice to hear that my story is different. And I'll certainly try! Thank you!
:) Report Review
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