Reading Reviews From Member: peanuts11
  
41 Reviews Found

Review #1, by peanuts11CRUSH: 2

31st August 2013:
I love everything about this story. I've been thinking about writing a story where the protagonist also works at the Three Broomsticks so I love that you've added details that make her such a real character like having to save up money and the mortification she feels.

I love the concept of this story because a lot of other stories in this era tend to be epic and exaggerated, which is great and makes for a compelling read but sometimes it's nice to scale back and look at how day-to-day students deal with crushes and the innocence of first love.

I can't wait to read more and definitely deserves more reviews than it has. This will be a great story and so keep writing :D

Author's Response: What a great review!
Thank you so much for the feedback, I completely agree that epic stories may be harder to get into because it's harder to relate to the characters- which seems to be the reason Crush works.
If you do write that story I'll be the first to read it :) it'd be interesting to compare how we've each written a working student.


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Review #2, by peanuts11Iridescent Hearts: Sapphire Violet Malfoy: Impasse

2nd February 2013:
I really like the direction of this chapter..

I really like how complex Sapphire's character is.

She's quite sassy, sarcastic but also quite an optimist, which shows that she differs from her sister because Amber's stubborn to the bone. I think you're doing a good job establishing the sisters as differing characters by the way Amber and Sapphire react differently to some situations.

I think you could focus a little more on the description of setting and people as you seem to focus more on the description of events.

Although, it could be said that it's in Sapphire's character to describe what is going on and avoid descriptions of settings.

I also really like the way you tell the story then go back to the events that lead up to what has gone on. I think it's really clever and subverts the traditional way that stories are told.

Can't wait for chapter 3 :D

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reviewing!

I am glad you liked it =) I was having difficulties trying to separate the sisters but since you are say could see the difference I am glad :D

I will focus more on setting and people soon thank you for pointing that out!

Thanks for the review!


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Review #3, by peanuts11What If?: The Trigger

31st January 2013:
I definitely love where this is going.

Rose's love for Scorpius seems so innocent and sweet but I can't wait to see how she is with Xander.

It opens a whole host of questions about her relationship with Scorpuis and Xander. Personally, I hope that she's just having doubts about marriage and so she's reminiscing about a simpler time when love was easy because sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side.

I really love the way you jump from flashback to present day in a way that takes that reader with you so it's not disconcerting.

I also really like Rose's rational character. You do it in a way that's really clever because she knows she's rational and is supposed to be logical so much to the point that she questions how she knows she's expected to behave.
It makes me really like her and also makes her quite 3D.

You also bring her relationships with her family to real life. Obviously in a family as big as that, there will be some members you know less than others. Other writers tend to clump the clan together as the best of friends so I like that you've taken the time to establish individual relationships.

I think you need to reread some of your sentences and tweak them a little to make them more conversational. E.g "The thing is with what if, is that" I think that it could be easier to read by writing "The thing with what if, is..."

To be honest, you're SUCH a good writer that I'm just nit-picking for the sake of it. If you keep doing what you're doing, this story will be AMAZING.

Author's Response: Yes Rose and Scorpius's love is a very confusing one for her, him being her first love, and I guess the allure of stepping to the dark side by dating a Malfoy! As for Xander and her, I guess more is being revealed through out the chapters, so you learn more about the nature of their relationship!

I'm glad that you found the flashbacks worked, as I was worried about that, as I often find they can be confusing, so I'm glad that you didn't find it so!

And yes, Rose has to be rational, she's a Ravenclaw after all, and yes she does put a lot of expectations onto herself, ones which may be unfounded, so she does have some insecurities in that respect.

The Weasley family is massive, so I agree it is only natural she wouldn't no some members of it as well, as she would naturally be closer to the ones closer in age to her, so I just picked out a few for her to be friends with!

I'll look over the sentences, and make them read easier, as I do agree they are a bit disjointed in places!

Thanks for this lovely review, and compliments, and don't worry about the nit-picking I need it so it makes me look back over my mistakes! Kiana:D


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Review #4, by peanuts11Empty Chairs at Empty Tables: Where My Friends Will Sing No More

29th January 2013:
You are an amazing writer.

You made me rethink everything I've ever known about the goodies and baddies in Harry Potter.

I'd only ever thought of all the casualties on Harry's side. Fred, Remus, Tonks...

But the way you write about Narcissa's relationships with Voldemort's followers and those she lost on the way because of Voldemort is just so heartbreaking.

It just shows how hard it is to recover from war for everyone involved.

I can't stop gushing,

YOU ARE A PHENOMENAL WRITER!

peanuts11

Author's Response: Wow, gosh, thank you so so much! :)

I'm glad it made you think - that was sort of what I wanted it to do (morbid as it is). I know - I've always thought that it's an odd kind of balance. It's because the series is from Harry's pov, of course, so it makes sense, but I wanted to explore the other side...

Narcissa's really had a bad time of it, hasn't she? It's kinda scary to think just how many people's lives were effected so much by the war...

And yeah, war is terrible for everyone involved. It's just a really bad thing in general, no two ways about it...

Thank you so so much - for this review, for all the compliments, for everything. You are lovely - and this has quite possibly made my day :)

Aph xx


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Review #5, by peanuts11Iridescent Hearts: Amber Ruby Malfoy: Crazy Grim Reapers

28th January 2013:
Ok. I'm going to be honest.

I didn't totally get it until the very end.

That may be because it's Monday. After college. And I'm tired. But I also think it may be due to the fragmented story telling.

At first, it was quite disconcerting because you weren't really giving anything away in either snippet of narration but towards the, when you reveal a lot more, it all starts to fit together and is actually really, really interesting.

I don't really come across many next-gen marriage bound fics so it's definitely original.

I think if you add more description about what is going to happen or allude/foreshadow the end of the chapter, in the italics and normal writing, then it will be explicitly clear what is going to happen.

I really like the way you wrote the relationship between Amber and her father. He appears quite helpless and she's quite strong-willed and willing to do anything for her family.

That being said, I don't LOVE Amber. I like the way she interacts with her family but I think she's a bit sassy in places where she doesn't need to be and she acts first then thinks.

That being said, it is the first chapter and I'm sure she'll grow on me in chapters to come. Also, this is just personal. She's a really well written and established character with a distinctive voice, which is really hard to do in just the first chapter alone so kudos for that.

I can't wait to see how their tricky predicament pans out so update sooon :D

You story so far is amazing.

peanuts11

Author's Response: Hi! Im glad you liked it~

haha sorry bout the confusions. I am trying to make Amber different than Sapphire but it's turning out to be quiet hard so I might have gotten a bit carried away. I hope you still like Amber anyway :P

Thanks so much for the review! It made my day =)


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Review #6, by peanuts11The Girl Next Door: Prologue

27th January 2013:
As a general rule of thumb, I tend to avoid stories that features characters pre-Hogwarts, or during childhood as I find them to be a challenging read.

I saw this and I was so intrigued.

The characterization of Sirius is so spot on with my idea of him. He's quite rebellious and naughty, without the teenage angst. I like the idiosyncrasies, like how Lexi has neater handwriting and can spell better.

I also really like Lexi. She seems really cute and innocent.

It also really amuses me that they bond over their mutual dislike of their siblings.

I love that you have this effortless way of writing and I can't wait for you to update this.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review, and for reading this story!

I'm really pleased to hear that you liked my characterization of Sirius, and that you liked the mention of Lexi's handwriting and spelling - although personally I wouldn't call them idiosyncrasies, as good spelling and legible handwriting aren't that unusual. :)

I assure you that Lexi isn't cute and innocent - you'll see flashback chapters of her, and she won't always be as pleasant as she is now. ;)

I needed something for them to bond over, and siblings seemed good - my childhood best friend and I bonded over the fact that we were only children, so yeah. XD

Thank you, thank you! I'll definitely update soon!


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Review #7, by peanuts11Devlin Potter: Riddle and Rescue: Only Blood

27th January 2013:
I really like this story.

I feel like I'm starting to get the feel of Devlin's character.

I must admit that I am still a little unclear about Voldemort's intentions and how Devlin has changed but that's what makes it so intriguing.

I don't know if i should but I kind of like Geoffrey. You can see that he cares for Devlin, in his own strange way.

I can't wait for the next chapter though

well done

peanuts11

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review!

It's alright to like Geoffrey - he certainly does care for Devlin.

Voldemort's intensions are perhaps less sinister in the typical way you might expect and more sinister in different ways ;)

The next chapter is up, BTW.

:D THANKS!


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Review #8, by peanuts11Devlin Potter: Riddle and Rescue: The Informant

27th January 2013:
This is so interesting.

It's like nothing I've read on here before.

I must admit that I am guilty of reading different variations of the same type of story on HPFF and so when i saw this story, it did intrigue me.

I really like the implied bond between Devlin and Harry. Sometimes, It's so hard to read about the relationship between a parent and their children because it comes across quite cheesy but within the context of this story and the way it was written, it almost brought a tear to my eye.

There are some things that I'm confused about. Like Sirius' existence, Harry's wife and Voldemort but I'm so interested in the story that I can't wait to understand what the deal is with the non-compliance.

I was really shocked that Devlin was only 4 or 5 years old as he comes across a lot older in the torture scenes. Although, I'm sure there is a reason for this. I just think that any 4 year old would be a lot more child-like and perhaps scared/confused.

That being said, he is the son of Harry Potter so...

I really like the storyline and so my only, minute criticism would be to reread before posting because some of the sentences just need a little reworking.

Otherwise, amazing!

peanuts11

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad I managed to pull of the father/son thing without coming across as cheesy - I totally agree!

Sirius existence...it's AU. Harry was never possessed by Voldemort in this story. Things haven't gone the same here as they did there. You'll find out more about that later, though.

As to Devlin being not being childish enough...I'm going to add an A/N to the first chapter to cover this a bit. But I'll paste what I said to another reviewer here as well, in the meantime. "The aspect of Devlin seeming older than he is has two tracks: one it is very hard to write a coherent sentence if I made it all HAVE to be at the level of a four years old thought pattern and two, there are some underlying plot points that will later explain some of his reactions."

Thanks so much! Hope you enjoy the rest of the story!



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Review #9, by peanuts11Stay With Me.: Life is full of Choices

25th January 2013:
My deepest and most sincere apologies for the late reply. Life has been non-stop, which unfortunately meant that reviews were non-existent.

I just love everything about this one-shot. As a lover of Hufflepuff's, I knew I would find this intriguing.

My favourite part was at the end, when it says, "Justin knew he had made a terrible decision that had ruined his life, but he couldnít pin-point which choice was the one that had." - Because it makes me feel like Justin's going over the events cyclically in his head, wondering when it all went wrong. And for me, that image is kind of hauntingly beautiful.

I think what I love most about this story is that it accurately depicts the reality of war. We all obviously know how hard it would have been for muggle-borns being persecuted during the war but this is one of the first stories I've read where it shows us how hard it was mentally and physically on the mind.

I also really, really love the description you use. You create vivid descriptions with colour and also use similes and it just makes for easy reading.

I also really like how the structure of the one-shot isn't told in a sequential way. I don't think I've ever read a one-shot like it.

Thanks for introducing me to such a brilliant read

peanuts11

Author's Response: This has just made my day! Just. Made. My. Day. Completely.

Thank you so much for such a nice review! I truly an speechless, and just sitting in my chair, flapping my hands in excitement! :D

And don't worry about the late reply! It was a lovely surprise :D

I'm glad you liked my descriptions, because those are usually my weak point, so its nice to know I am improving!

Really and truly, I cannot thank you enough for such a wonderful review! THANK YOU!


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Review #10, by peanuts11Missing: Tori

21st January 2013:
I just thought I'd leave a quick review just to get you closer to the big 100 :D

I absolutely loved this chapter. I actually like Albus and Tori together. There's something about them together that's quite innocent and young and lovely whereas with James, it's quite raunchy and sexual.

Albus is like the perfect fit for Tori as it forces her to be herself just like Charlie and James, as he's not such a playboy, suave type character but instead we get to see a plethora of emotions from James.

Love it.

And I've only got one beef with you, which you can easily solve by UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATING :D

Congrats for the almost 100!

(apologies if half of them are from me :/)

peanuts11

Author's Response: Thanks for the review-yours always really make my day!

Aw, I'm glad you liked the chapter-and another Albus/Tori fan! Interesting...

I'll be sure to update as soon as possible, I promise! I've actually got the next four chapters written, so it's just a matter of editing and posting.

Thanks again!
Courtney:)


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Review #11, by peanuts11Betrayal: The Letter

1st January 2013:
This simply broke my heart.

I started off really wary thinking that Victoire had doubts about the marriage and that it would be really hard to read but I just loved it.

I think Victoire could have had her outbursts in stages. For example, perhaps she's in a state of shock then she has an outburst then she's quiet and reflective and there could have been anecdotes of her relationship with Teddy then she starts filtering out all her feelings.

I felt like it was a bit too fast for me. However, that being said, people respond to things in very different ways.

I loved the way you expressed Victoire's thoughts, especially when she said, "You killed me, Dominique, you ruined me." That was so emotive.

I also really liked the characterisation of Vic and Dom and opposites. Victoire's more open and Dom's messy but secretive. It made me feel like I knew them as characters and had been reading this for ages rather than just in a oneshot.

I also think there could have been more action. Like Victoire throwing things or sitting in the fetal position in the corner just so it wasn't so speech driven but that doesn't even matter too much.

Aaah, loved it. I could gush forever.

:D

peanuts11

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing!

It broke my heart while writing it too, *sigh*.

Its a relief to know that even though you started out wary, you ended up loving it =)

Hmm, I am sorry if it was a little too fast for you and you'd rather Vic had had her outbursts in stages, but as you said people respond differently to situations. In my mind, I felt like she'd have reacted this way, but thanks for the suggestion!

I tried to make this as emotive as possible over all, so its good to know certain emotive parts stood out to you.

Its great to know that you could grasp Vic and Dom's characters so well through just a little one-shot. It makes me feel good as a writer :)

Hmm, thanks for your comments. If I ever do an edit, I'll think about more action.

But I am happy you liked this, thanks a ton!


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Review #12, by peanuts11Blackwell: Prologue

26th December 2012:
Ooh, this looks like it's going to be sooo good.
Sorry if this review sounds frazzled, all that Christmas turkey means i've lost the ability to be coherent.

I love how you've cunningly left out the main protagonist's name. Makes me feel like there is so much you can develop with her. Also, it's a lot different from stories that start with the name and then subjectively explain their horrible family life.


Although there are some cliches like having horrible parents, I feel like there is a lot of potential for you to go into detail on her relationship with her parents and who her father is and how she feels about everything.

I must say that I like the ending when she's like "He chose me" sounds so good. It makes me think that her father has some redeeming characteristics. I can't wait for fatherhood to change the hardhearted father and for the protagonist to develop in later chapters.

If i could give you any constructive comments at all, it would just be to spend more time describing events/settings so that we understand how the protagonist reacts to different situations/likes and dislikes in later chapters.

Can't wait to read more :D

peanuts11

Author's Response: Hey peanuts11,

Thanks so much for your positive feedback. It's good to know that I'm doing something that readers like but I will definitely work on the things you mentioned in the coming chapters.

I didn't want her to fall into the 'cliche of having horrible parents' (as you put it), so I needed something different to grab the reader. Her relationship with her parents is going to be a major plot point in this story. The question is, will it get better or worse?


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Review #13, by peanuts11Missing: Me

14th December 2012:
Simply the best christmas present this year, well so far!

Ok, I loved this chapter. I knew Rebecca was planning something. I hoped she was turning a new leaf but alas, Tori has changed her. I'm so glad James realised he liked Charlie and more importantly, that he doesn't like Tori. Simply because their relationship was based on a built up version of herself whereas Charlie's personality is 100% real.

Argh, I love this story sooo much.

Author's Response: Haha, my pleasure!
I'm so glad you liked this chapter! It was really fun to write. I love Charlie and James' relationship and I enjoy writing Rebecca scenes too-you're right, Tori has changed her a lot.
Thank you so much, that means a lot!
Courtney:)


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Review #14, by peanuts11Diamonds: .

13th December 2012:
This is so good. I wish I could write link you. You have this effortless way of including so many significant details that work so well.

Hope you write more soon :D

Author's Response: You're way too sweet :) thank you so much love, I'm glad you liked it xx

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Review #15, by peanuts11The Boy Through the Window: Chapter One

8th December 2012:
Aaaah, so much happened in this chapter.

I love how well thought out this is! So that it's completely following on from canon. I also hate to say it but I really like the connection between Tom Riddle and Ginny. Harry seems kind of irrelevant at this point.

I can't wait for the next chapter and I have to know if Tom is evil or not?! I hope this doesn't mean Ginny's being led down a dangerous path.

Can't wait to read more.

I think you have a really easy and natural way of writing that doesn't overstate anything but conveys absolutely everything.

Author's Response: I love trying to stick to canon (unless it's purposely AU) and I even came up with fake birthdays for the children so that it lined up to when they would go to Hogwarts (that's probably a bit too far though, heh)
Tom? Evil? That's probably what Ginny's gonna try to figure out.
Again, thank you for the review.


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Review #16, by peanuts11The Boy Through the Window: Prologue

8th December 2012:
I just love this story.

The idea sounds fascinating. It also reminds me of 'The Yellow Wallpaper' by Charlotte Perkins Gilman because (and I'm just speculating) I feel like, similarly to the protagonist in Yellow Wallpaper, Ginny appears to be in a loveless marriage. I'm not sure if that's your intention but Ginny's pregnancy seems to make her quite distant from Harry. Causing her to make up phantom beings/hallucinations.

I NEVER read Harry/Ginny stories but this one seems intriguing, kind of like all is not as it seems. Ginny's internal narration is brilliant. It's not too assertive but it's very effective. I really like her as a character in this. And although Harry is a background character in this chapter, you can still make inferences towards their relationship like Harry is more hands-on with the children.

This story also reminds of Turn of the Screw by Henry James with the ambiguity towards whether Tom Riddle is real or not. As a Psychology student, there are so many clever psychoanalytical points that you could read into.

I just love it :D

Author's Response: The Harry/Ginny in this story isn't the most important aspect of it, but it is one of the only pairings that will probably be shown.
It may have a larger part to play later in the story, though.

Thank you for the compliments and the review :D


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Review #17, by peanuts11Anthology: Chapter One

4th December 2012:
This is such an exciting start to the story. I love how you established the characters so that it links directly to the canon as it highlights their individual personalities. I liked how even the first chapter was charged with sexual tension.

I love, love, love the possibility of Draco and Hermione so I like how neither character has strayed from normal and even though some parts are slightly overdone like the timetravel thing, which i assume is where this is leading. I just know that you're detailed and critical style of writing will avoid any cringey cliches.

I can't wait to read the rest of this :D

peanuts11

Author's Response: Sexual tension? Really? Wasn't my intention but that works :P
I changed the summary of the story just a bit.

Thank you for the review.


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Review #18, by peanuts11Missing: Tori

2nd December 2012:
Arr, you are such a fantastic writer. You made me sympathise with Tori. I'm sitting here wishing there was another chapter that I could read, feeling so sorry for Tori and this past she's only hinted at but has clearly affected her very much and even though she's incorrigible and horrible and cruel, I'm starting to like her more. And feel sorry for Albus. And James. Especially James. Poor James.
Arr, update soon please. :D

Also James/Charlie, Albus/Tori ftw.
If it doesn't make sense, it's because I was frantically scribbling this down because i had so much to say about this great chapter.

That is all :D

Author's Response: Aw, thank you so much! You have no idea how much that means to me!
I'm glad you sympathise with Tori. I know she may be unlikeable at times (okay, most of the time) but she does have an interesting backstory.
I'm really glad you like the characters and this chapter, I hope to see you back here soon!
Courtney:)


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Review #19, by peanuts11So Many Unanswered Questions. : First Day Back.

28th November 2012:
I really like this story. I'm typically someone who likes angst and drama so I really like the normal start of year descriptions and the establishing of friendships. I like Ava as a character but I haven't fully figured out her character. She's quite cheeky and seems lovely. I'll hope you'll develop James further in later chapters.
I also think that you need to work on descriptions of the setting to extend the scenes.
But you are a fantastic writer so I can't wait to see Ava complete her list. :)

Author's Response: Thank you very much :-) Yeah, descriptions of settings is something I'm working on. I really appreciate that you took the time to read and review!

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Review #20, by peanuts11Wicked Lies, Wicked Love: And Just When You Thought You Knew Everything

28th November 2012:
I really like this story. What I like in particular is that I can't guess the outcome of this story or what is going to happen next in each chapter. It's rather refreshing.
I also really like Narcissa, she's proud, smart, cunning, the true representation of a Slytherin but she's also compassionate and loyal to her friend. It's a fantastic characterisation. I like her interactions with Lucius too. I'm certain that he's changing somewhat but I'm not sure in what way. I'm not sure if that was your intention but it's effective nevertheless.
I really like the angst between Nixie and Drew, although I was starting to like them together. Vesper's also very well written with just the right amount of disdain for muggle-borns. Also, the pace of the story is perfect. Narcissa encounters Lucius. Plots evil doings with her friends and still squeezes a lesson in. I honestly love this. I think i could go on all day.
The only thing I can fault you on is that you need longer chapters. :D. You are such a good writer though and you've introduced me to Narcissa/Lucius fics so thank you :D

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I apologize for my untimely response. School has a way of sucking me in and making me forget about everything not related to chemistry and calculus :P

I really enjoyed reading your comments. I love Drew and Nixie as well, but don't disappoint yourself just yet, there's more to come between them.

I'm sorry about my chapter length. I know it's so short, and that is something I'm trying to work on. My next chapter should be longer, if only just a little. I do apologize again.

I really appreciate and enjoyed reading your review. It was very encouraging. Next chapter should be up soon, and I would love to hear your opinion on it. Hope to hear from you soon! xoxo :)


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Review #21, by peanuts11Missing: Me

22nd November 2012:
Aaah, I've got to admit something. Before you asked me to review this, I read it and shamefully, did not review.
I really like this story. I really like the dual narrative as it makes me feel slightly guilty disliking Tori because I know she's missing.
I love the characterization of Charlie, who is very awkward but also very lovable.
I also really like James in Charlie's chapters, he seems really humbled by whatever went on between him, Tori and Albus. Otherwise, I think James in Tori's POV may be a bit cliche. However, I understand that because it's Tori's POV she has a rather subjective point of view so it makes sense.

I literally can't fault this story, can't wait for an update :D

Author's Response: Haha...well, thanks so much for reading. I'm really glad you like this story. Tori does come across as a little unlikeable but as you've mentioned, the duel narrative kind of makes up for this.
Charlie is one of my favourite characters-she reminds me of me in many ways.
Hmm...James too cliche in Tori's chapters? I can sort of see what you mean actually, and even though that is Tori's POV, I'll try to work on that in future stories.
Thanks for reading and reviewing, updating soon:)


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Review #22, by peanuts11George Weasley: Grown up?: The soup

21st November 2012:
I've recently become a Angelina/George fan and so this is the second story of the ship that I have read. I think this is sososo good. I like the portrayal of Angelina in this. She's strong, funny. Totally lovable. And George, was really good when it focused on his guilt. That part really got to me :). I hope you'll write more stories soon :D

Author's Response: Oh my goodness, thank you so much! :3 I really wasn't sure about this [I've already picked out 498754 bits that I hate] but this has made me feel so much better :D Thank you! Have fun - some George/Angelina's are so perfect it hurts ;) Thank you! :D

Emily x


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Review #23, by peanuts11Welcome to the Bored Generation: The Weasley Burden

14th November 2012:
Characterization is looking good. I'm starting to like the slightly quirky Carmen. As i think i said before, sometime your descriptions can be inconsistent but your continuity is looking really good.

Author's Response: Hey again!

Carmen is my baby, so I am overjoyed to hear that she has found an appreciative audience :D

Several others have also pointed out the inconsistency in my descriptions and , although I am not quite sure I understand what that means, I will try to even out the chapter :)


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Review #24, by peanuts11Welcome to the Bored Generation: Mutated Unicorns

12th November 2012:
It's not faultless but I don't think that it's a bad start. Infact, I quite like this.

You've done well to highlight the characteristic between Rose and Carmen. I also like how there aren't huge chunks of description but instead they are embedded with the action as it makes for easy and more interesting reading. Personally, I don't really care for huge amounts of description when reading but when I'm writing I do think that it's important to be more seamless in your inclusion of description. So that there's maybe a sentence more than you're already doing and perhaps not as many similes or metaphors or a variation of description techniques.

Really liking it so far though :D

Author's Response: Hello :)

Description has always been a terrible chore for me. I guess that is why I am a film student and not a literatue student haha

I will try to clean it up since certain parts feel odd to me as well.Glad to hear that you like the story despite its flaws!


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Review #25, by peanuts11Stronger: Epilogue- Christmas

12th November 2012:
This story certainly grew on me. I thought it was really clever how you wrote a story about James II that mirrored the story of James Potter I. I especially like the line about James chasing after his own lily. Clever pick of a name. It also subverted the idea of how cliche this story could've been.

This story was not without it's cliches but because it was so well written, I barely noticed. Some things, like how James bestfriend and Calla's best friend date because James and Calla are linked was a bit cliche as well as Calla's love rival Lauren threatening Calla. I just think that although it was needed to develop the story and so that Calla's real family could come out, I found it slightly unrealistic that someone would threaten another person to stay away from someone. I don't have the MOST life experience but generally, I think girls in particular are more secret about plotting and stuff.
I also think it kinda made Lauren seem a bit 2D but it really, really doesn't matter because she isn't a main character and because it's from Calla's subjective point of view, it'll obviously be biased.

I also think you need to work a tiny bit more on continuity. Like how Andie is supposed to be a bit of a heartbreaker but there isn't any evidence for this and how although Calla is Head Girl, she doesn't appear to be bogged down by the job.

You are a talented writer though. I think my favourite line is after James and Calla break up and she remarks that when they were flying he never to let go. I actually nearly died at that. Loved it sooo much. I also liked the twists in the story with Calla's real parentage as it was well thought out and it fit with the story so well.

I think that you are also really skilled at characterizing your protagonists and setting the pace of the story. This gave the story more depth as more than just a romance but also about re-evaluating things in a new light and dealing bereavement. You characterised Calla really well as someone level-headed but not without her flaws of sometimes commanding sympathy. James also appeared like someone who was marred by his family's past experiences but grew throughout the story, which made me like them as characters rather than just in the context of the story.

I love, love, love your writing so I hope I gave some useful pointers and didn't ramble too much but there aren't enough characters for how talented you are.

Author's Response: Aww thank you so much! This was an extremely helpful and lovely review!

Cliches were definitely something I worried about while writing this story, especially after I figured out that I wasn't oh-so-creative in making a James Potter I/II parallel. I do completely and totally see the cliches you pointed out, though. I never particularly liked Lauren and I think I just added her in there half-way through to add some drama when Karen Ambs wasn't in the picture. I suppose that's why I didn't put much thought into developing her. Yes, I knew when I wrote Andie as a heartbreaker it would extremely difficult to pull it off. I completely agree with you that there should have been more evidence. I think that's my problem: I introduce a character trait and then I don't really back it up. The Head Girl thing, too, was something that I probably just gave up on. I know it isn't really an excuse, but I like to think that because this was my first story, I get to be excused (which I don't, but you know, haha).

I'm so glad that you liked Calla and James! I really put the most effort in these people- especially Calla, who I had to steer wildly in different directions so that she wouldn't be a Mary-Sue (and I hope she wasn't!). I'm glad you liked the name pun with Calla, too!

I really feel the compliment on my writing and I loved this review. It was really helpful :) Although I can't really use a lot of your advice on this story because it would include drastically changing the plot, this review has most certainly given me loads of wonderful advice to keep in mind in future stories! Thanks again!
~cb ")


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