Reading Reviews From Member: twitchy_pigeons
  
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by twitchy_pigeonsGift of the Animagi: Part 4

18th December 2014:
"James [brought put] his hand on her chin, [bring] her eyes to meet his." - The first bracket is obvious, the second, probably change it to 'bringing.'

“I should probably go check and see if Elizabeth is [going] okay,” Lily said. “I'll see you guys tomorrow.” She got up and started (up) [towards to] girl's dormitory stairs." - The brackets are explanatory, the 'up' in () I suggest deleting so you don't have any redundancy.

“Now [what] aren't you going home, Miss 20 Questions?” – Again, in brackets.

“She came [done] the stairs, and James couldn't believe how good she looked.”

He looked at her like he could [do play] this game forever. Lily [signed]. – First is obvious, second is a typo.

Now, for my actual review. First off, I hope you're not offended at my editing. You said in your author's note in the first part that you wanted constructive criticism, and I guess I took it quite literally. The story is good, some parts are a little over-simplified (such as when James revealed being an animagus to Lily and she just accepted it outright), but overall, it is a good story. :) Feel free to check out my story - it's a bit longer, but Marauder era, so you may like it.

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Review #2, by twitchy_pigeonsGift of the Animagi: Part 3

18th December 2014:
I'm trying to give you enough of a sentence to work with so you know what I'm talking about ...

"...and [he's] help her with practical Defense spells" - Just a minor typo I'm assuming, should be he'd.

"she tried to [force make] the words come out of her mouth.." One of those things every writer does (myself included) where we forget to delete the word we didn't want when we change a sentence.

“Like I'd [let] my friend alone with that monster" - Leave? Or 'let my friend be alone...'?

“Just so you know, I know you [are] your little friends are hiding something" - I'm guessing that should be 'and'.

"the [think] that would make James the happiest" - Again, we all have that one finger that just doesn't listen... :)

LOVED the "gryffinwhore" - never heard Sirius described that way before - marvelous. ;)

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Review #3, by twitchy_pigeonsGift of the Animagi: Part 2

18th December 2014:
Constructive criticism. Since that is what you have asked for, here is mine. :)

This sentence: "James was so different from the incredibly charming man she'd seen [of him] earlier." is awkward to me. I suggest deleting the part I put in brackets.

"They tried only to use their nicknames when no one was around." I'd switch the 'only' and 'to' so it comes out more naturally.

I like the simplicity of your story so far, and I look forward to seeing what presents those two will come up with. :)
t_p

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Review #4, by twitchy_pigeonsThe World is Ending: Revenge Isn't Always So Sweet

2nd July 2014:
Hey! So, it's been a while since I've read this, and it's been a while since you've written. But either way - outstanding work!! Maybe you'll pick it back up? I'm extremely curious to see how things are going to work out between Sirius and Artemis. Well, anyway, love the story as always!!! Message me on fb sometime - I'd love to know how life is going for you. -A.

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Review #5, by twitchy_pigeonsThe World is Ending: Peer Pressure

8th February 2013:
YAY!!! I'm so glad you picked back up on writing! I like to think it has to do with me. :) I assume you'll let me continue in that delusion. I can't wait until your next chapter!! Write fast! :) No pressure or anything. ;)

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Review #6, by twitchy_pigeonsThe World is Ending: The Best Not-Christmas Ever

20th January 2013:
I love your story and I would love love love it if you started writing again...although I would be somewhat mollified if you just told how you'd planned to end it. :)

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Review #7, by twitchy_pigeonsThe World is Ending: Time For a Change

18th January 2013:
I've been rather engrossed in reading your absolutely amazing story, so I haven't gotten around to reviewing like I ought. But I have class tomorrow and Brock is going to come home and yell at me for still being up lol so I'm gonna review before I get kicked off.

I LOVE YOUR STORY. YOU ARE AWESOME, AND I REALLY REALLY HOPE YOU PICK BACK UP ON IT SO I CAN CONTINUE READING. :) Artemis is wonderfully sarcastic, and reminds me of you lol. Sirius sounds like a very yummy dessert I'd love to scarf down...if only he were real, and I wasn't married... I love your transition with Lily and James, the fiery red definitely can't resist a certain someone. :)

Anyway, I regretfully have to go to sleep. But I shall be back tomorrow and reading.

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Review #8, by twitchy_pigeonsThe World is Ending: Lighting the Fire

18th January 2013:
Can't remember if I reviewed this before, but I still love this story. :)

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Review #9, by twitchy_pigeonsI Hate Everything About You, Why Do I Love You?: Why Do I Love You?

31st January 2009:
Oh wow. That was beautiful. I love especially how you have made everything so clear without using words. There's something about no dialogue, that intangibility, that brings you closer to the heart of a story, further into the mind of a character.

Lily is portrayed as such a vulnerable, real person. I've read all of those other stories where she's vicious and angry and then eventually, slowly realizes that she doesn't hate him. But here, it's like she's on the verge of shattering, and every time she pushes him away, she really just wants him to come closer. And here, she's lost him, and it jolts her into that awareness, that terrible fear of losing him.

And then James. I could fall in love with him, if he was the way you paint him. That final defeat, I can see it, the wound, the pain on his face as his shoulders slump, his eyes lose their sparkle, and for once he almost believes that he's lost the most important thing in his life.

A year ago or not, this story is excellent and beautiful and poignant. I'm glad you left names out of the story, too, by the way. Gives this a better sense of the universal theme, that this could happen. Not to mention it leaves out that unnecessary detail that would otherwise distract or detract from the story itself.
Oh, and the song was a very good fit to this. :D

Author's Response: Wow! Thanks a lot for that amazing review!
About dialogue, yes, I do agree that it gives you something different, also from the characters, that's why I left that out, just as well as names. It makes it more, as you say, close.
You've read Lily exactly as I tried to make her. Somehting JKR said once, about Lily not really hating James, kind of got to me and some time later I wrote this, making her different from everything I'd written before. Everyone has a weak point, and here Lily was simply abuot to shatter because of loosing James.
I'm in love with James! Haha, well, he's lost hope too, and I believe if he hadn't gone after Lily this time, it would have been over. They both almost lost each other.
Well, and this time it's just closer to two years since I wrote it, it was my first one-shot. I like the sone too, it's one of my favourites.
Thanks again for the amazing review! :D


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