I saw you had a new Holiday story up and figured it was only appropriate to chose this one to read/review first, lol. I've been out Christmas shopping and wrapping presents all day and I'm already in a Christmasy mood, so this story seemed like the perfect thing to read right now. My first Holiday Fic of the season, yay! I just absolutely LOVE Christmas time, haha! =)
That all being said, this was somewhat depressing. Poor Hermione. It must be terrible to feel more like a guest than a resident in your own childhood home. I mean, it's cool that she is at least able to still visit with them by serving as their Gardner, but at the same time it's terrible that they don't remember she is their daughter. ='(
I'm not quite sure how I feel about the way you have portrayed Audrey here tho. I liked her character, don't get me wrong/ And she definitely seems like that type of person whom I would be friends with in RL, lol! But it's just that, given what we know about Percy, and how relatively up-tight/by-the-books he is, I just found it a tad difficult to believe that he would fall for someone who is as outgoing and different as that. I mean, you'd think Percy would want someone who was just as plain and boring as he is! Or at least he would in my opinion, lol... So that was a little confusing to me, but it's really not that big or important of a detail. Probly just me being too overly nit-picky, lol. Sorry 'bout that! ^_^'
I like the contrast you have developed here between the way Hermione normally spends her Holidays, as opposed to having Christmas here with the Weasleys. I donít know how I'd handle it if my parents were nearly as obsessive and meticulous as hers were growing up tho, lol. I lived in a house of 4 kids, and we've always had a houseful of family & friends over every year, so my Holidays have always been much like the Weasley's. I wouldn't be able to stand having everything be so in-order and uncomplicated, cuz I'm so used to the chaos, lol. But from what we know about Hermione's character, I really feel like the way your portrayed her family here is very believable tho. I could see her parents acting in that way and having everything so in order. It certainly goes right along with neat and organized Hermione always is.
Overall, I really did enjoy this little one-shot. It was very packed full of emotion for being such a short and simple fic, but I like that about it. You seem to be really good at writing emotion and getting the readers to feel what your character feels. Keep up the great work hun, and best of luck in this challenge!! =D
~Deana~Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review! I tried to get in the holiday spirit, but somehow poor Hermione ended up having to help carry my bad day. I can't imagine having to be in her situation, even if it's better than her parents being killed.
Honestly, Audrey was mostly comic relief and I wasn't sure about her at first, either. I slept on it though, and I've grown to like the idea that Percy needed someone absurd in his life to help him get over all he lost before and during the war. He's pretty plain and boring, but I think seeing his family torn apart and still hurting from when he left them, he might search for a way to prove he isn't the uptight ministry official anymore through his girlfriend. It's kind of counter-intuitive, but I thought the story needed a little something happy, even though I totally see your point and agree it's pretty strange.
I've never lived near any of my extended family, save for my grandparents, so I grew up with a more meticulous Christmas like Hermione, although not quite as bad. It was quite a shock when I went out to visit the rest of my family one year and found all the chaos of a massive Christmas. :P Report Review
Hey Tiffy!! OMGosh, I can't tell you how good it feels to finally be reading this story again!! I loved it before and I still love it now. I really like the way you started this with such a strong, detailed beginning. The way you described everything was so great! and the ending was really good too, You can't help but laugh at Vernon's expense, lol. =)
You are SO good at writing ALL of the Dursleys, and I especially felt like everything you said about Vernon was spot-on. You really captured his character perfectly here! I laughed so much when he called Kingsley "Shackleybott," hahaha!!! I really liked your version of Dudley the most tho. You wrote how curious he is about the magical world in such a way that it was all very believable. & I couldn't help but laugh at him when he was in the bathroom talking to Zabini, lol. That was a very Dudley-like thing to have him do. ;)
Aurthur was Aurthur, that's for sure. But given that his son just died fighting in the biggest wizarding war of all time, I feel like he would not have been as cheery as he was tho. You definitely wrote him in character, but with his current circumstances I just feel like he would not have exactly been himself in that moment. But that is only my opinion tho. Either way, your writing is good and I have always enjoyed reading this story hun. I really am glad you're back Tiffy!! =D
~Deana~ Report Review
OMGosh, KITTY!!! Hey, it's Deana!! IDK if you remember me or not, but we used to talk, like, ALL the time back when I first joined the forums... SO glad to see you back again hun, and very excited that you are back to posting your stories again!! I feel like, since you're starting over here, now I will definitely be able to keep up a lot more, lol! I don't think I made it any farther than chapter 3 or 4 of this the last time, but I don't remember much of it either way. So this is god. A fresh start!! =D
Ok, so for starters, this is a very interesting take on Hermione's home life. I don't think I've ever read anything to where her Muggle-family-life was anything less than a happy one, so I can't wait to see where you take this. I'm sure the new twist will make things more interesting as the story moves on. It's believable and I like how it gives us some background as to how Hermione became such a bookworm... It is weird tho that not a single one of her friends wrote to her over the summer. To me, that part of it was a tad more on the unbelievable side, so I hope you will elaborate more on that in the chapters to come. Maybe her parents are holding all of her letters because they think her friends will distract her or something? I don't know, but that would be my guess, lol. ;)
I like the concept of this new book she bought, ans I like how you are giving us excerpts from it. I can definitely see why Hermione relates to it so much now. I really hope she doesn't start taking lessons from this Cremella chick tho, lol... Hermione's first reaction has me wondering about some things, but I feel like it's too early to start making any solid predictions tho. But I will say that I get the feeling this book is dangerous. There's got to be a reason that someone just dropped off such an old, and seemingly rare book, and then the store keeper left it off to the side all by itself. I think Hermione is right; it is a special book, just maybe not so much in a good way... Like I said, I am a tad worried for her now. =/
Now, normally I do not like the Harry/Hermione ship because I simply cannot see them as anything more than friends. To me, Harry & Hermione are more like brother and sister in a way, so I can't really offer you much on their relationship. I do see that this is marked as a Harry/Ginny & Draco/Hermione ship story tho, so at least that is a bit better, lol. I don't usually care for Dramione either, unless it's really well done, but I already KNOW that your story is good from the last time you had it posted! So no worries there hun, I WILL keep reading on, I promise! :)
Speaking of reading on tho, I know that you have WAAY more chapters of this that are already written... Wasn't this story in clear up in the 100's the first time it was up here? If so, then why haven't you updated yet? I wants MORE already, haha!! Keep up the great work hun, and again; it is SOO good to see that you are back!! (((HUGS)))
~Deana~Author's Response: Hiii lol It's so good to see you too :D I'm getting back into the swing of things and it's so great to see you again!
Ah yes, this story was in the 100's and I did a lot of rewriting on the later chapters. It's good you get to start from the beginning.
Yes, I know that this story is long but I'm sure you will get through it and I'll try to start updating more of it soon.
The story has it's good, bad and wtf moments but if you can get through all that (and I know you can) then you will make it all the way to the end.
I really really appreciate you reading and reviewing this story. The first chapter is always a bit hard to interpret but as the story moves on you will see!!!
Thanks again for reviewing and reading and sooo happy to see you :D Report Review
Its me again, back for more already. 2 Reviews in 1 night? Man Im on a roll, haha! Gotta take advantage of having an internet connection while I can tho... Hey, congrats on winning a Dobby for this, btw! I was so excited when I saw that you won for Best Villain this year. But omg, UGH! Who is this mysterious woman? Her identity; or lack thereof, is driving me CRAZY! I must know MORE, haha! You are really good at writing this Mystery and keeping us all in suspense, arent you? Honestly, you writing style is Crazy good!! =)
& you know, not only are you great at writing all of the action-packed scenes, but even the more lowkey moments in this were really good. Like that part where Harry came home and Hermys was trying to do all that he could to help him get more sleep. & then when Harry was trying to get Ron to go home and get some sleep also. I absolutely LOVED the line where Harry threatened to go to Molly if Ron did not leave and get some rest. Lets just hope that it never has to come down to that, haha... I think that having small moments like that help to make this story just as great as all the big dramatic moments do. It shows just how much thought you've put into all this, and it make me love the story all the more!
I am beginning to loath Flint's character, slowly but surely, and in such a way that I desire to see bad things happen to him, lol. When he think that women should relearn their place as well. Grrr. I mean, how arrogant can you get? That being said, however, I do also feel that that line was a great insight into how his mind works. Actually, the whole beginning of this chapter was great for giving us more details about Flint. I just cant believe that hes already planning to betray his new mistress as soon as she lets all of his friends out of Azkaban. If I were him, I would not be so quick to underestimate her, especially if she was the one who gave them that Exussanguis spell. Then again, I also LIKE the fact that Flint is not 100% loyal to her in the way that the Death Eaters were to Voldemort. I feel like this particular point will make things all the more interesting later on down the road... The recruits he found there at the end really seemed like some shady guys. I am definitely intrigued to know more about them and the role that they have to play in everything.
I thot that the secret entrance to the Ragged Fang pub was SO cool! And, you know, Zabini sure does seem to be getting mentioned more and more often here. I keep waiting for him to make an actual appearance in all of this. And I cant help but wonder whos side he will be on, if and when he does, and if he has changed at all thru the years. Like; is he evil as Flint is now, or has he tried to make things right for himself the way that Draco has? Ack! I just have so many questions now... You see what this story is putting me thru? I am one of those people who just can't stand not knowing things like this, lol! XD
I do like Susan's character tho, or at least I am starting to like her. It made me smile when Harry appointed her as the "Temporary Replacement Weasley." & It is good thing, to see Susan Bones following down her mother's career path, and I feel like she works really well with Harry. She knows how to get things done and remain organized in times of high stress, and I think that's what he needs now while Ron is gone. That being said, I am not quite sure that dividing the Auror's was her best move tho. If only they knew about the conversation between Flint & that Mystery Woman at the beginning of this, they would not be so quick to spread their forces out so thin like that. It does seem odd to me that there are not enough Aurors to cover everything tho. I mean, it always seemed like a popular profession to have, and you would think that people would be lining up to work side-by-side with The Great Harry Potter, lol. Especially after they won the war and had this time if Peace... Idk. Maybe Im just reading too far into things tho. Wouldnt be 1st time Ive done that, lol! ;)
I still feel really bad for Harry. I know hes gone thru a lot, but with all of this newfound craziness going on, at least now he has something to help take his mind off of Ginny for a while. I REALLY liked the statement you made here about Harry needing "a reason to feel needed." Cuz I think you're right; that is exactly what he needs again. & At least now he can stop sitting at home alone all the time, debating about whether he should, erm, take matters into his own hands and, umm, join his parents or not... I still cant believe that he was even remotely considering that at one point. Poor Harry. =/
But OMG, what about Hermione?!? Oh dear, I seriously do hope that the healers can get her back up on her feet again soon. & poor Ron as well. He is probably NOT going to take this news very well at all. I just wonder how long Harry can go on tho; having to keep this big of a secret from his 2 Best Friends like that. It must be eating at him, having to keep something like that hidden. Hopefully they wont be too mad at him tho whenever this does all come out. =/
Wow. What another wonderful chapter you have here Dan, and what an ending too! Now I really cant wait to find out what happens next. This story just keeps on getting better and better with each chapter, and I love the ride you have taken me on with this. Seriously tho; I still cant believe that I never came across this story sooner, lol. Its so suburb!! Now Im not sure when I'll be able to review again, but you will definitely be hearing from me at some point, for sure! And again, I am sorry for going missing basically all of last month. I got your wonderful reviews tho, and I promise I will respond to them as soon as I possible can. Please bear with me, as I am doing the best I can with the resources that I have right now. *sigh* & Happy Thanksgiving, since that is just right around the corner from now, haha! Hope your Holidays are great Dan!! =DAuthor's Response: OK, let's see whether I can craft another worthy review response this morning!
First off, thanks so much! Winning a Dobby was incredible. It made me feel like people really appreciated everything that went into writing CoB. The nominations alone where a huge thing for me! So thank you for being part of that! :)
A story can't be all action and bombs dropping and curses flying all over, so I'm really glad you like the slower-paced scenes, too. I always worry about those because, for me, they're the hardest to write. Give me the boom, boom dueling scenes any day! I feel like Molly is still a huge presence in the lives of her entire family, even with the canon characters in their sixties and seventies. She just has that sort of force-of-personality. I'm confident that Ron's still frightened of her at some level.
If you don't like Flint, well, that means I'm doing a good job. You're definitely not meant to like him. He's arrogant and self-serving and he's trying to play both ends against the middle, so to speak. His true loyalties are only to himself. But he's probably met his match and then some where his shadowy benefactor is concerned. Underestimating her could be a fatal mistake. The new recruits are exactly what they sound like. They're among the dregs of wizarding society, definitely not the sort of idealists that Voldemort surrounded himself with.
Ha! Zabini's name has come up once or twice, hasn't it? We'll just have to see whether he amounts to anything more...
Over the course of writing this, Susan became one of my absolute favorite characters. So, yes, you'll be seeing a great deal more of her. I do imagine her having a lot in common with her late, famous aunt. The same sort of moral fiber and conviction to do the right thing, for instance. She's a joy to write and it you stick it out until the chapters in the early 20's, she really gets a chance to shine.
Harry does feel better when he has something to do. That's for certain. It takes his mind off of things.
Hermione is alive, and that's a pretty big deal under the circumstances. She definitely has a long, difficult journey ahead of her. All of the trio do. Harry feels terribly about having to keep secrets from his two best friends, but the healer has a point. Neither of them is prepared to know about this just yet.
Don't sweat the timing. We're all busy. You see how long it took me to respond to these wonderful reviews. ;) As long as we keep gradually moving forward, it's all good. I hope your Thanksgiving was awesome, as well, and thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Hey Dan! Sorry Ive been so absent lately. Now I know Im skipping a few chapters here, but thats only cuz my notes for 4-6 are saved onto my laptop, which is currently down atm... But anyways, I am here to do what I can for now. & For starters, I must say that that Im loving where the story is going so far. Your action scenes are so fantastic, and the pacing of everything is perfect! You cut the scenes off in all the right places & you never fail to leave me wanting MORE! Theres quite a bit going on in this, and I appreciate the fact that you are taking the time to space it all out and give us everybodys POV of these events.
I really enjoyed how this chapter stated with Astoria's aforementioned shopping trip with her sister. They really are nothing alike, are they? I really like your take on Daphne tho, she seems quite vain and materialistic, which I feel is fitting for her. I liked the dress she made Astoria try on, and Astoria's inner-monologue about how Draco would never approve of the garment. Jealous Draco, ha! But when things hit the fan, I like how she instinctively knew where to find her husband at. I like what you've done with Draco & Astoria's relationship. It is strong and completely realistic so far, which makes it all the more believable. She really does seem absolutely perfect for him, and I like the good side that she brings out in Draco. =)
Flint's character is intriguing, as far as villains go. I cant help but wonder who he is working for/with, and how he escaped imprisonment at Azkaban. He is totally evil and sadistic, and kind of a moron - no offense, lol. But the part where he captured Astoria was SO intense, OMG! You had me holding my breath the whole time! This was all so very well written. When he started putting her hands on her and seducing her, it actually gave me chills, it was so good. I was even convinced that Flint was serious about having captured Draco, and thought that they were really gonna torture him if she did not cooperate. I mean, they just broke into the Ministry and put Hermione in the hospital, so who knows what they're capable of. I was SO relieved when Draco showed up & came to her rescue tho.
Thank goodness Hermione & Ernie are alright. That curse they used on her sounds absolutely dreadful. I thought that they had done the Cruciatus Curse on her at first, but I guess that I was WAY off. Lucky the man who cast it on her didnt seem to know what he was doing. But why do I get the feeling that there is someone out there tho, who IS competent in this newfound Dark Magic, and will not hesitate to use it on whomever stands in his/her way? I really liked the name Exussanguis too. How did you come up with that name? I was surprised when not even Professor Dumbledore had heard of this curse before, but then it was even more surprising when Phineas, of all people, knew about it. To be honest, I was expecting Snape to know more on it, if anybody.
- "Ordinarily, this was the point where they would have asked Hermione to look it up." - That quote made me laugh so much, haha! Poor Harry & Ron are still so lost without Hermione there to guide them and find all the answers for them. Its good to know that some things never really do change, no matter how old they grow. Harry & Ron's work relationship is excellent also. Like how Ron automatically knew that Harry was looking over peoples shoulders and making everyone nervous. You can tell that they have been around one another for a very long time now... The Ministerial Security concept is an interesting idea, and its totally something I could see the Ministry of Magic doing in the future. Altho I cannot help but wonder why they wouldnt trust the Aurors - especially not with Harry Potter as head Auror - to do their jobs proficiently. Hoping to learn more on this in the future, maybe?
I feel like you truly nailed the Trio's relationship perfectly in this when you said that Hermione was Harry's best friend & Ron was his best mate. Thats how Ive always viewed them also; especially during DH. Ron left, but Hermione stuck with him thru it all, and Harry & her have always had more of a connection. I feel like she gets him more than Ron does, and they have deeper, more meaningful conversations. They are in no way whatsoever romantic tho - just friends - or more like brother & sister. Which is why I hate the Harmony Ship even more than I do Dramione sometimes, lol. Neither of them are even remotely plausible, and I for one am glad that you also seem to get that as well, lol! I thot it was a really sweet moment when Hermione woke up and her whole family was there. It was good to see Rose and Hugo in the same room tho, and they were getting along too.
And I love how you ended the chapter with Harry telling Draco to help protect "OUR" family. Cuz whether Draco likes it or not, he and Harry have a common ground now and they're gonna have to swallow their pride and work together... Harry & Draco's conversation was definitely the highlight of the chapter for me. I mean, it may have drug out a little bit, but at the same time I feel that all that extra bickering between the two of them was necessary to show off Draco's reluctance. If he would've sat down and just immediately started spilling everything it would have been a tad unrealistic. So I thot you got that one spot-on! I was glad to see that some of their old animosity still lingers between them, & it was fun to read them bickering back and forth. ;)
& finally, PEEVES! His poem about Harry being back was to die for, rotfl! I wont quote it here, cuz Idk if its considered 12+ or not and I would hate for this review to get deleted, lol! But OMG that was great, haha! This is such an amazing story, and it is starting to get SOO good! I just wanna keep reading, non-stop, but no worries. I will continue to sit down and review the rest, just for you, haha!! XDAuthor's Response: Hi, there!
So I've been staring and staring at this review, very daunted by the prospect of trying to write a suitable response. You cover a lot of ground and you're so kind and encouraging that I wanted to make sure I had the time to do it right.
Action scenes were always my favorite parts of the story to write. If there's one thing I think I'm pretty good at, it's visualizing a certain scene playing out and converting that into words. My super power. ;)
Astoria and Daphne are nothing at all alike, but they do still share that sort of sibling bond. No matter how foolish and obnoxious Daphne might be, Astoria still cares about her. She just doesn't allow herself to be overly constrained by Daphne's foolishness. And she does truly enjoy pushing the limits of her husband's comfort zone. His jealousy and overprotective nature bring out certain behaviors in him that she finds quite endearing.
I think you hit it just right in your comments on Flint. He definitely didn't get out of Azkaban due to his brains or his charm. His... let's just say "benefactor" for lack of a better term, is pulling all the strings. He just doesn't realize it yet. A lot of things will start to become clear over the next few chapters.
Hermione managed to survive, but she has a long, difficult recovery ahead of her. The man who cast the curse was indeed incompetent, and you'll find out quite soon who he is. Exussanguis is slightly bastardized Latin. It essentially means "fire of the blood". Nothing too fancy, but I thought it sounded good in a pinch. Phineas Nigellus lived during a time when many more dark curses were commonly used, before the Wizard's Council and then the Ministry of Magic clamped down on dark spells to help preserve the secrecy and safety of the wizarding world.
Ministerial Security was created after the trio were tried and acquitted for the murder of Ginny's killer. It was essentially a message from the Minister that he no longer completely trusted Harry and Ron. It was also about political control, giving the Minister his own personal police force of sorts. Throughout history, the ploy has been used by dictators to help solidify their control. Not saying that's where things are heading, at least not yet. ;)
That quote about Hermione being Harry's best friend has generated a lot of reactions from my reviewers, some good and some bad. Personally, that's how I think of Harry and Hermione. They're like brother and sister, only they don't fight as much. ;) And she probably understands him better than anyone, because they both come from the same background and went through nearly everything together during their school years, including all the times that Ron was acting like an idiot.
I struggled a lot with how long to make Harry and Draco's conversation. I thought about shortening it, but I couldn't figure out which part to take out. In the end, I guess I'm not 100% happy with it, but I'm just not sure how I'd make it better without messing it up. The basic message would always stay the same, though. They do have common family now and they need to work together to keep them safe.
Yeah, Peeves is known for his bawdy, non-12+ sense of humor. That was fun to write. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Thank you so much for such a long, detailed, well thought out review! I promise I'll respond to your next one sooner, although it also needs a lot of thought. ;) Report Review
Back again! Omg, wow! You are an extremely good Angst writer, I'll tell you that! The way you can convey emotion on a page is fantastic! I almost teared up myself here; you made me feel so bad for her. I am fortunate enough to still have both my parents around, so I can't really say that I know where she's coming from. But Lily's feeling in this are pretty much how I'd picture it to be; absolutely hopeless. The poor dear, I really do hope that things start to get better for her soon tho. :(
James is a rock. I love how strong you have made his character here. The was he supports her and comforts her is so sweet and loving, you can definitely see how much he cares for her. I am excited to see their relation develop more and more as this story goes on. The scene between him and his mom was so sweet. I really do like Mrs. Potter a lot in this, and I am going to miss her character while they are at Hogwarts. James is quite lucky to have such a truly wonderful family. :)
Loved the side-mentioning of Remus there, and I was also very happy to see Peter making an appearance. I always HATE it when marauder stories just cut him out completely. I mean, hello, there were 4 Marauders - NOT 3! Peter's character is so complex. He's a tough one to write, or at least he is to me. We see what he becomes in Cannon, but how he gets that way is basically all a fill-in-the-blank. I mean, he obviously wasn't all bad, if Lily & James trusted him enough to be their secret keeper over Sirius. Even if they were only doing so because Peter seemed like the less-likely choice, that still would've taken quite a bit of faith to make that decision, you know what I mean? So I'm looking forwards to watching him develop in this more, and I hope he will continue to have a role to play all throughout this story now.. Sorry if I'm being too presumptuous by the way, lol! ;)
Grrr. I really wish Sirius would have just told James whatever the big secret was tho. I wanna know more about what happened the night of Lily's parents death. I have a feeling that is was more than just a car crash... What is Sirius hiding? Hope to hear more on this soon also.
The train ride there was also really good. I especially liked the way you described the older compartments. Your attention to all the smaller details there was great, and it really helped me to visualize everything in my head. That Violet girl is a right piece of work tho, isn't she? I mean, like Lily said, there's no way she could have known, but still. Lily was obviously all the way at the back of the train because she wanted some time alone... Braggy people like that have always bothered me tho, lol. I just hope that Lily can adjust to being around people again, especially once everyone starts to hear about what happened to her parents. Cuz you know it can't stay a secret forever - it's Hogwarts, haha! XD
This was another really strong chapter, and the ending was absolutely perfect! That last line instantly reminded me of Harry, and how he always viewed Hogwarts as his home too. So I thot that was a nicely added touch there. Can't wait to read what happens next! =)
~Deana~Author's Response: Oh goodness this review was so amazing to log in and find ♥ I've been away on an awesome but exhausting trip, so I hope this makes sense :P.
I love how well you take in the characters, and that you think I'm doing them justice so far! I hope you like watching James and Lily grow and develop together, though I have to warn you that it won't be a speedy process, haha.
Heheh Sirius is a sneaky boy, but because others have speculated that it is something romantic I will tell you it's definitely NOT. haha. And you find out exactly what happened in chapter 8 :)!
You have no idea what your amazing reviews mean to me, I can't wait to read more of AiNFiLaW tomorrow when I can see straight after a good night's sleep :P. Report Review
Hello, it's Roxi from the Gryffie Common room!! I'm so glad that we got paired together for this month; it's an honor to be picked to read/review your fic hun. I've actually been meaning to give this story a read for some time now anyways, so now I have the perfect reason to finally be motivated to get to it, haha!! That being said tho, I can't guarantee that I will get thru to all 11 chapters before the month is overwith, but I will certainly do as much of this as possible, I promise. (Side not before we get started here; I absolutely LOVE the banner for this! Your artist did a fantastic job of it!!) :D
Ok, so wow, right off the bat I can tell already that you are a terrific writer!! I love the way you set the mood of the scene in the very beginning. Your descriptions and attention to detail is amazing!! You had me fooled there for a minute, cuz when you said "3 Potters" I at first thot you meant James, Lilly and Harry, lol! ^_^'
I really like how soft Mrs. Potter is in regards to her feelings about Sirius. She seems to view him as a second-son and I like that. It seems very appropriate and in-character for her, if you know what I mean? Sirius and James are like brothers, and that is that way it's supposed to be... In my mind at least, lol.
Sirius is already making a grand entrance, I see. That is so like him. It definitely added a nice bit of humor to the scene when Mrs. Potter started getting on him for bewitching the bike. (Love the name Olivia for her too, btw.) I really enjoy how in-character all of your people are already, it makes for a great read!!
Poor, poor Lily. I felt SO bad for her at the end of this. I actually almost teared up a bit myself. I mean, I knew her parents were supposed to die eventually, according to cannon, I was just shocked to see it happen so soon. It's definitely a good way grab the readers attention and draw people in, that's for sure. It was just so sad. ='(
Overall, I really liked this first chapter and I am definitely interested in reading on to find out more. I have added this to my favorites now and I can't wait to see what happens next! Very well done hun, see ya in the next chapter!! =)
~Deana~Author's Response: Hi there! Yay I was so happy to see you here! I really love the banner as well, I was so impressed with how well it turned out!
I absolutely agree that Sirius and James would be very much as close as brothers can get, even if they aren't real brothers. And I always think that Olivia and William were so thankful that their son met that kind of friend and would have loved them as much as their own son, so I'm extra happy it felt that way to you!
Ahh I know what you mean with Lily's parents ;( And through this story we get flashbacks from Lily sort of telling the story of her and Petunia, so those of course involve her parents, and it makes me even more sad to remember that they're gone :(. But! I've made up for it in my head because I'm keeping the Potters around as long as possible :P
I am so happy you liked this chapter, and even more happy I paired us together because I really enjoyed your first chapter of All is NOT Fair, so I'm very excited to get time (hopefully today) to get to the second chapter of your story!
Thank you so much for stopping by m'dear!
♥ Report Review
You know, and I swear to you that I am NOT trying to make up excuses or anything here, but a part of the reason that it has taken me so long to actually sit down and write this review is because I honestly did not even know where to begin at. This chapter literally left me speechless, lol! I mean, there was honestly nothing about this that I didn't like; I loved everything about it, from beginning to end... So I guess I'll just go ahead and read my way thru it again, working my way down as I go this time.
Soo... Ron & Hermione. Again, its so hard to imagine them all so much older, but I feel like you have made the age transition happen so flawlessly. Their relationship is solid, and much how I would imagine it to be sixty years down the road. They're still Ron & Hermione, thru and thru tho, and you nailed their characterization perfectly! The whole entire thing about how advanced the Muggles are becoming was great too! I can just see the Trio, all grown up, sitting out on their porch having lunch on a day like this and conversing about Muggle technology. Bahaha! Ron confused "operation" for "manipulation". Heís so much like his dad, lol. And speaking of Aurthur Weasley, I really liked what all you have done for his character in this as well. I was glad to see that his obsession for Muggles did not die with his even-older age, haha! Cant believe he's going on 100 tho, thatís so cool that he's lived so long. I am genuinely happy for him. :)
I think the fact that you, or shall I say the combined efforts of Hermione and George, have found a way to incorporate some Muggle technology into the Wizarding world with the magical wraps was interesting. I really liked the idea of a Magical Glass that can shield the effect magic has on computers, TV's, cell phones and such. I feel like that'll make the story all the more interesting later on down the road. And the best part is that your way actually makes sense too! Seriously, how do you come up with such super amazing ideas like that?!? And I am also glad that the Weasley family is no longer poor now. With all they've been thru, they deserved a bit of prosperity. And you even found the perfect way to give it to them, I love that! ^_~
The various charities that Harry had started were very touching, especially the Remus Lupin Center. I am so glad that Harry found a useful way to share his fortunes with the world. All of the charity organizations you named off were great, and I felt that having Harry do all of that was very in-touch with his selfless side, and it was very much in character of Harry as well. Also, I like that Hermys is Kreacher's son. That part made me smile as well! And I like how Harry still feels the need to cast muffliato when he wants to speak to his friends in Private. "Old habits die hard." Ain't that about the truth! I wasn't expecting to hear about Percy tho, poor guy. I hope that he is alright... Ron says its a Mid-Life Crisis, but why do I feel like there is more to it that that tho? ;)
Poor Harry, all alone in that big house with nothing else to do but look back on old pictures. I feel SOO BAD for him! It's a good thing that Rose and Octavia showed up when they did. Love that name btw; Octavia is totally a Malfoy-sounding name, haha! Rose seems like such a good mom, and Octavia is just the cutest most rambunctious kid ever. (Loved the Super Mario reference btw, lol!) I guess if I had a "Perfect" little brother like Hugo I'd be a tad bit jealous too tho. I mean, I'm happy for Hugo, and I feel like he deserves to be happy too, but it doesn't really seem like he considers his sisters feelings very much, does he? I can't wait to see more of Teddy's character tho, he was mentioned a few times here, so I am hoping to see more of him.
The Bogart scene was... scary, to say the least. While I like that it gave up some insight to Ginny's death, holy cow! I could not even imagine what I would have done of a Bogart had shown something like that to me. Its no wonder Harry and Rose were frozen in place. Lucky Octavia is so fearless tho, she totally saved the day. I am curious as to where she was when Ginny died tho. Did she witness it as a baby or something? Guess I'll just have to wait and see... Octavia is just so sweet and innocent, as most children are. I really do love her character already. I hope we will be seeing more of her also. :)
And I know the blasted word-Count thing is gonna cut me off soon, so I can't really go into further detail on everything that I'd LIKE to here, but I will say one last thing: You are so superb at capturing characters of ALL ages, and it gives this story so much depth! I already love this so, SO MUCH!!! I can't believe I didn't come across this sooner, haha! =DAuthor's Response: Hello, again!
So this chapter is the one where I shovel out the majority of the back story that fills in the gap between "19 years later" and "Harry grieving for Ginny under the willow tree." I'm still not 100% happy with it. Some of the delivery still feels kind of forced to me. But there's information that needs to get out there and this is the chapter where it happens. So I'll have to continue to feel lukewarm about it. :-/
Probably the hardest part of writing this story was trying to make the trio and the other very well-known characters easily recognizable while still aging them in a believable way. I think that sometimes I do well and sometimes not so well, but Ron and Hermione are probably the two that I feel best about. I tried to keep the main dynamic of their relationship -- the way they frustrate each other and yet secretly revel in the frustration -- intact while changing the subject matter that they bicker over. Since this is happening in the mid-2040's, it was inconceivable to me that muggle technology *wouldn't* have advanced considerably. Another key idea that runs through much of the story is this idea of the wizarding world feeling threatened by the relentless advance of muggle technology.
I wish I could take sole credit for the idea of using genie glass to protect muggle electronics from magic, but I can't. That was borrowed from a wonderful story by the illustrious Mrs_Granger that remains one of my favorites on the Archives to this very day. But the concept of building it into a prosperous business was the twist that I brought to the table. Just based on Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, I always felt like Fred and George were destined to be very successful. You'll see more of George's ingenuity as the story rolls on.
Rose and Octavia make things better for Harry for a while, but then things sort of turn on him. The boggart figured out just how to go after the two adults, and created a terrible moment for Harry and Rose.
Octavia is a centerpiece of the story, not to mention one of my favorite recurring characters. She will be around until the very end, as will her Great Uncle Percy. They both play very important roles. Keep an eye on the two of them. As far as where Octavia was and what she was doing when Ginny died... well, you'll find out as the story progresses. ;)
I really enjoyed writing a wide variety of character ages and backgrounds in this story. That kept it very interesting for me. Without it, I wouldn't have had nearly as much fun and I don't think it would have been nearly as good.
The character limit is a pesky thing, huh? Turns out you can hit it on review responses, too. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Until next time... Report Review
Wow, this was so good! What a way to start off the first chapter. I especially loved the opening paragraph, where you detailed all of Harry's various accomplishments and awards. He kinds of reminds me of old Dumbledore now, lol. Sad thing tho is that at first I was wondering why Harry was the only one talking. But then, to find out that he was actually at her grave... Now that was powerful. Almost made me cry a bit. I guess now I know why Ginny was at Kings Cross with Harry at the end of the prologue. Only question now is: What happened to her? I felt SO bad for Harry at the end when he finally broke down. I think you nailed his thought process tho, spot on. I could see him feeling like he'd failed in protecting her. The part where he said that was supposed to protect everybody was very much like Harry Potter, so excellent job with that. :)
I confess that I've never really ever given much thought to Harry as an old man, but now that I've read this I can totally see it! The house with all the added on rooms, the built in Quidditch Pitch in the back yard, the kids/Grandkids, living on the property right next door to the Burrow. All of it is pure genius! I swear you and JKR have got to be related or something, lol! And I really like the way that you used his talking to Ginny's spirit to fill us in on all the Next-Gen. characters and their kids, very clever idea. And Neville as Headmaster was another added plus - that AND he's married to Luna! OMGosh, I cannot even begin to tell you how disappointed I was to learn that Neville/Luna was not a Cannon ship. So I especially LOVE stories that put the two of them together now, as they should have been, in the books haha! ;)
I couldn't really see Harry referring to Narcissa as "Cissy" tho. Even if she is/was technically family to him now, since Rose & Scorpius got married, even then I still could not see it. But maybe that's just me... I'm really glad that you paired those two up together tho, and I am also glad that their relationship is not 'perfect' neither. There were so many other cool details hidden in this that I just absolutely loved also! Like each of the Potter childrenís career choices, how advanced Lily II was, and Al being in sorted into Slytherin. All in all, I think this was a perfect way to give readers a bit of background information as to what's happened to Harry since the end of DH. And it wasn't like it was an info-overload at all. I think that it was the perfect amount actually, and everything flowed so smoothly. Everything about this is just so fantastic! =)
This story already has so much promise, and I can't wait to read more and see where this goes!! Oh, and sorry for taking so long to get back to reviewing on this. I shall be reviewing the next chapter very, very soon tho, I promise!!Author's Response: Hello, dear!
So this chapter was one of the ones I'm most proud of in the story, which is rare for the early chapters. As I'm sure you know, when you write a really long story you tend to look back at the early chapters once you're near the end and think, "Holy moly! What on earth was I drinking when I wrote this mess?" But this chapter has held up pretty well for me. It introduces the real central plot conflict of the entire story: Harry's intense, sometimes crippling grief over Ginny's death.
Prior to her death, Harry had built a pretty wonderful life for himself and his family, and I'm glad you liked the details that I introduced in this chapter. There's only one detail that you got wrong, and it's making me itchy to go back and re-read this and see if I accidentally suggested it somehow. Neville and Luna are not married. I think of them both as being widowed in this story. Luna explicitly and with Neville it's just sort of implied. So sorry about that. :-(
Hmmnn... I can see your point on Harry using Narcissa's pet name. That might even be worth changing. I do believe that she would have opened up somewhat, especially after Lucius died and her great-grandchildren were born. But this might be a bit much.
Scorpius and Rose are anything but a perfect couple in this. Much more on that to come...
I look forward to hearing from you again soon! And I need to get back for another chapter or two of your story, as well. Thanks so much! Report Review
Yay, I got 1st this time!!! OMG, CHILLS!!! I know I must sound repetitive, but this is my new favorite chapter, lol! They just keep getting better & better each and every time!! I can't wait til he meets Voldemort for the first time. I am especially interested in reading your take on the Dark Lord's character. With the way you write tho, I'm sure it'll be amazing! :)
Ok, so I'll start with the things I wasn't too find of. I know, hard to believe, cuz there really hasn't been anything about this yet that I didn't like. This story is perfect, in every way. But I honestly did not like the fact that Narcissa called Andromeda "Dromie". To me, that's almost as bad as people shortening Hermione's name to "Mione," lol. I know it's petty and minor, but it just didn't strike me as something that Narcissa would have called her sister...
And then the last thing, and I don't know exactly how precise a Metamorphmagus' powers are in cannon, but to me this seemed like a bit of a stretch. I mean, I feel like there should have been something visually that hinted it wasn't really her. Like, maybe more of an unusual softness to her eyes or something like that? I don't think that Tonks could have replicated Bellatrix's madness so easily, simply because she did not spend all those years in Azkaban... But again, that's probly just me being too nit-picky tho. Either way, Tonks had me fooled me too. On a more positive note, however, I did really like the idea behind Tonks disguising herself as Bellatrix in an attempt to fool Draco and get information outta him tho. She seemed like she was having too much fun with him, lol! And when he peed his pants, I almost lost it. I love Draco to death, but that was too funny, haha! :D
The part I got chills on was at the end, when his mother told him that Voldemort was going to put the Dark Mark on on him, and claim him as his own. I loved reading Draco's inner thought process on all that, and how he remembered the days when he used to want to have a mark like his dad. I really like all the extra details you have added here, especially the bits about Narcissa and her side of the family. I don't know her Uncle, but I feel so bad for him. His death really serves as a nice wake-up call for Draco tho, I think. I like his it shows him that no one is safe in this war, not even the pure bloods. I feel so bad for Narcissa tho, how desperate she is. In this chapter tho, she reminded me of the beginning of HBP, when she begged Snape to help save Draco's life. I can see the beginning of THAT Narcissa Malfoy starting to show, and feel tremendously for her, the poor thing. =/
Once again, you have produces excellence tho with another amazing chapter to this story. I am looking forwards to reading what comes next. even if I do already know what Voldemort is going to ask of him, lol. I still really wanna read your take on things, cuz your writing is the BEST!! Please update soon again, ok? =)Author's Response: Hello, there!
You know, I spent quite a bit of time poking around, seeing if there were any canon references to what Andromeda's sisters called her. Since Bellatrix often gets shortened to Bella and Narcissa often gets shortened to Cissy, I felt like they must have had some sort of pet name for her. Sadly, there is nothing in canon. So I looked at the various fan fic alternatives. "Andy" just sounded terrible. Made me think of the Shawshank Redemption, which isn't a bad movie, but has nothing to do with the Black family. "Meda" just sounds dumb. I even found one where Ted calls her "Andro", which has to be the most bizarre thing I've ever read. I wasn't thrilled with Dromie, either, but how on earth do you shorten Andromeda into something that sounds affectionate? I give up. ;)
So here's my thinking on Tonks changing herself to look like Bellatrix. She probably didn't get it 100% right. But I imagine that Draco was so scared that he wouldn't have noticed any small mistakes. And since this is told from his point of view, I think it would have ruined the effect to point out inconsistencies that he was too shocked to realize were there. Moreover, I thought the whole idea was cool. If you ask me, canon suffers from a severe lack of Tonks making use of her special ability. I mean, making duck faces to amuse Ginny Weasley? Seriously? That's the best use of her talents that JKR could come up with?
So my first thought on this chapter was to make it so that Narcissa had reached out to Dumbledore. I had written a section of her dialog where he demands a high price for helping her, not unlike the way he treated Snape. In return for keeping Draco safe, Narcissa would have to remain at Malfoy Manor and spy on her sister. In the end, it just didn't sound right to me. Dumbledore has already made it clear that he wants to help Draco and frankly Narcissa wouldn't be a very good spy. So I changed it so that he tried to ask one of her uncles on the Rosier side for help and the Death Eaters find out about it and kill her uncle to send her a message.
I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I'm trying to write chapter 5 now, but my characters just aren't cooperating at this point. I'll have to whip them into shape! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Well hello! So it took me a few days to get there, but I am finally here to start reviewing this story for you. Now, I'll be honest with ya, I usually shy away from anything that has the title: "Harry Potter and the ___" [fill in the blank]. So I was a bit skeptical of this at first. But after I read "Marked" and got a feel for your particular writing style, I simply could not resist checking this story out... And boy am I ever glad that I did!! =)
The prologue for this isn't really all that long, but yet you still managed to fit so much into it. I have so many questions about this already, which I am sure was your goal, lol. Like, how did Harry die? And if Ginny is there, then does that mean that she is dead too? And I wanna know how they died, and why they are at Kings Cross, and if they are going to get a chance to come back again... Yeah, like I said, SOO MANY questions, haha!! =P
I really liked reading Harry's inner thoughts in this, and I couldn't help but laugh out loud when he made the comment about being dead again, lol. I think you captured his character very well here, just as you have done with everyone else I've read so far! I mean, is there any HP character out there that you cannot write? Tehehee!! ;)
But anyways, this story is already showing so much promise, and I for one am super excited to see where it goes. I love the mystery you have set up here and I look forwards to reading more and seeing where this goes. :)
~Deana~Author's Response: Hi!
I had a similar sort of thought way back when I was naming the story. To me, anything that starts with "Harry Potter and the_" sounds rather pretentious. I struggled with it a lot. In the end, I decided that it made for a good incentive. Because anything that carries that name needs to be very well done or it sounds, well, tacky.
Like you said, there isn't much to the prologue. It only serves to whet the reader's appetite and hopefully make them ask the sort of questions you're asking. So I guess I did a good job. ;)
I'll tell you one other thing about the prologue. It's actually the beginning of a chapter that comes much later in the story. Chapter 38, to be exact. So you will eventually find out what happens.
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Well dang! I was really hoping to be the first person to review this, but it looks like someone else already beat me to it, lol! =P
Anyways, wow! This chapter was fantastic! I think I have a new favorite now, lol. There were SOO many things I liked about this. Everything was just so perfect, and pretty much exactly how I would have imagined it happening in the books. You're writing is so good, I honestly feel like I am reading straight out of a Harry Potter book! I mean, I could read this story ALL day if it were long enough, lol! When Draco asked Narcissa what the Dark Lord could possibly want from them, if not gold, and she leaned over and whispered "You" I seriously got chills. That part was my absolute favorite yet!! =)
I know it's probly irrelevant, but I still wish we could have gotten the Auror's name. I'll bet it was a real smack in the face for Draco to have no other choice to submit to the man. I think you did an excellent job of getting his prideful, arrogant attitude across. And I liked the wounded animal reference; I feel like that was a nicely added touch, and it was very effective at getting the point across. I can't even imaging what it must be like, having someone there who hates you, watching your every move, just waiting for you to screw up so that they may have an excuse to send you off to prison. I was kind of happy for Draco when the Auror wasn't really able to get anything on him. And Draco trying to break into Lucius' wine cabinet was amusing too. I could totally see him doing something like that, lol! XD
Omg, you write Bellatrix SO well. I especially LOVED your description of her appearance and how maddening she looked. You definitely did her insanity some justice, lol. Once again, I felt like I was reading straight out of an HP book. Bellatrix Lestrange is a difficult character to write, but you did it so effortlessly here. I usually hate her so much, but she was actually quite fun to read in this. We never really got to see very much of her in the books, so it's great to have a story like this that sheds some more light on her character. And you know, I guess I never considered the first time that Draco ever met his aunt Bellatrix tho. I think I just assumed that he already knew her, lol. But now that I think about it, however, it makes sense that this would be his first time seeing her in person. I mean, she was in Azkaban for all of his life, and then he was in school when the break out happened...
And that's another thing I love about this story; is how you can make me think of things that I've never even considered before. But then again, that's the whole point of writing, isn't it, to make the reader think? I am SO happy I stumbled onto this story, its so amazing! In fact, I am definitely going to be nominating this story for a Dobby - in every category I can. Because you definitely deserve it, for sure! ;)Author's Response: Well, hello, dear! Nice to see you again!
Wow. That's really high praise. I do try to keep all of my plot lines and characterization tight to canon in this story, but you even think the writing sounds like the books? Woo-hoo!
Poor Draco. He's slowly beginning to realize that he and his mother are in big, big trouble. But he's not completely there yet. I think it isn't until he meets his aunt that it really starts to sink in. She's utterly terrifying, and yet she's merely one of the Dark Lord's followers.
As far as the Auror's name goes I generally shy away from naming every last character in my stories. Suffice it to say that his identity isn't really important, just his attitude toward Draco. You're right, though, he does hate what Draco represents to him, and he wouldn't have hesitated to take that hatred out on Draco if he'd been given half a reason.
Whew! I'm glad you liked the way I portrayed Bella. I wasn't entirely sure whether I was laying it on too thick or not thickly enough or getting her just plain wrong. I agree, she is not easy to write. It's so hard to make her mad and menacing at the same time and not have her come off as simply goofy. I'm pretty sure this would have been the first time Draco would have knowingly met Bellatrix, brief encounters before her imprisonment aside. I'm sure he knew of her, but I like to think that he was getting his first real experience here.
I try hard to come up with different angles to explore Draco's story from in this. He certainly went through some horribly interesting times over this summer. Speaking of which, time to go work on chapter 4! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Hello! Im back again, as promised! And thank you, I am SO glad that you enjoyed my last review so much. It made my day to know that I made had your week, lol! See, I told you I that I would try to make it well worth the wait, haha! ;)
So I think that the 1st Chapter is still my favorite, but there were alot of things I liked about this chapter also. The thing I loved the most tho was Tonks! I mean, you could have chosen any set of Aurors to put as Draco & Narcissa's guards, but you chose to use Moody & Tonks. Genius!! The way that she stood up for her mother was totally something I could see her doing too. It was really wonderful to see you breathe new life into her character and give me some more ideas about Andromeda that had never occurred to me before. Cuz I never would have imagined her marking their birthdays on her calendar before, but the more I think about it now, the more it actually makes sense. We do know from cannon that she is a very family-oriented woman, therefore, I could actually see her doing something like that. :)
And that was quite a twist to add in there too, that Dumbledore had assigned the Aurors there to protect them from the wrath of Voldemort, rather than to just tail their every move and watch them closely for acts of further suspicion, as Draco had 1st expected. Once again, you are amazing when it comes to paying attention to all the smaller details like that, which is what makes this story such a gem!! =D
It was really heart breaking to see Pansy breaking things off with Draco. To be honest, Ive never really given it much thought as to how the 2 of them ended their relationship. But the way you have made things happen here tho is brilliant, and it totally makes sense! You really seem to GET Draco and get how things from his side would have worked. I could actually see ALL of this happening in cannon, and I think that JKR would be proud if she could read this! All of your ideas are amazing, and everything just seems to happen so naturally! How on earth do you do it?!? ^_^'
Now I dont really remember the train ride home at the end of OotP, but I think I do recall Draco trying to corner Harry on the train. And, speaking of Harry, in the short amount if time that he was there, I really feel like you did his character a whole lot of justice too by the way! But did everyone else come out to Harry's aid in the book like that too? Cuz its been so long that I read it I cant really remember, sorry. If that is how it happened tho, then I am glad you stayed so true to the books and told it from Draco's PoV. It almost made me fee sorry for him, reading everything in the way that you described it. Poor thing is only trying to do what he thinks is right, and it ends up turning on him in the end. =(
And yes, even tho I don't like to see poor Draco hurting like this, I understand that his downfall is completely necessary for him to stop being so evil, and start acting more... human, I guess, is a good word to describe it. And I have said all along that Draco Malfoy is one of the most complex, misunderstood characters in the HP universe. Heck, I myself even have a whole entire (33 chapters & counting) Novel dedicated to the fact that Draco is a product of his upbringing, and nothing more. You cant expect a child who is taught, from the age of understanding onward, that Voldemort's got the right idea to act any other way than how Draco was behaving during his first 5 years of school. I am glad tho, to know that his redeeming moments are coming. =)
And even tho we all know how this story turns out for Draco by the end of DH, I really do hope that you will not make this story too awfully short. Cuz I for one am LOVING reading all of this happening in Draco's head as opposed to Harry's. Personally, I cant wait for you to get to the Malfoy Manor scene, just to get a glimpse as to what was going on in Draco's mind when he pretended not to know if it was really Harry Potter that they had captured or not. Idk how you are going to write it, but I am sure that whatever you come up with will be brilliant, and it will totally make perfect sense, and once I read it Im sure I will be like; "Omg, why didnt I think of that before," lol! Needless to say, I am very excited to read your account on that part in particular, so this had better not come to an end before it at least gets to there, lol! =P
PLEASE update soon, as I have fallen in love with this story and I cannot wait until the next Chapter gets here! Oh, and it would be my absolute pleasure to make a banner for this story for ya, my treat, haha!! ^_~
~Deana~Author's Response: Deana, dear, you're making me blush over here! Seriously! I mean, you don't have to stop or anything, I just wanted you to know. ;)
I thought Moody and Tonks were a great choice to deliver Draco's next dose of harsh reality. For one thing, we know from the books that they were already at King's Cross. Shortly before this scene, Moody was terrorizing Uncle Vernon with his enchanted eye and Tonks was horrifying Aunt Petunia with her hair color. Also, they're such a great one-two act, aren't they? He's so gruff and maniacal, but she's actually a little crazier than him when it comes down to it.
I'm really glad that you liked what I did with Tonks in this. She's a character that I didn't care too much about before I started reading fan fic. In this books, she has such a limited role. We barely see her before she dies. But her family story is tragic in its own way. She's just one more casualty of the twisted and conflicted House of Black. So I was amused by the concept of her suddenly having this power over her "proper" cousin Draco.
It always seemed to me like Dumbledore had something of a soft spot for Draco. He essentially coerces Snape into killing him so as to spare Draco the damage to his soul. He tries to convince Draco to switch sides in the Astronomy Tower. I think he's pretty well positioned to see the truth about Draco Malfoy. The kid never really had a chance to turn out any other way.
A lot of readers found Pansy's behavior in the first chapter off-putting, it seemed. There was this consensus that even Pansy Parkinson couldn't be such a naive doormat. In this chapter, I wanted to show that she's not quite as naive as she seemed. Like Draco, she was playing the game with a goal in mind. And once Draco's family fell from grace, well... I think it would be overly harsh to say that she had *no more use* for him, but she's certainly not going to defy her father over him.
The confrontation on the train near the end of OotP goes pretty much like I've represented it here, just with a lot less detail. That's mostly what this story is about. Filling in all of the details from Draco's PoV.
I mostly agree with you about Draco... mostly. In my mind, he does become more human, although he never stops believing in certain things. I think he will always believe in the idea of blood purity, for instance, but he will come to realize that ideas aren't worth killing over. I think he comes to see the truth about Voldemort, which is that he's nothing but a pitiless, selfish, insane tyrant and everyone is expendable to him, no matter how loyal they are. I think he will always believe that being a Black and a Malfoy makes him a little better than everyone else, but he'll come to see the value in other people beyond just their ability to do something for him. Like you said, he's very complex. And I hate fics that make him one-dimensional, whether as a villain or as a redemption story. To me, he's one of JKR's most fascinating creations.
I do think this story is going to be rather short, because I'm just not sure how much I can add to what already exists in canon once HBP starts. To me, that's when JKR really began to develop Draco Malfoy and she did a splendid job of it.
Thank you so much for your thoughts, insights and reactions to the first two chapters! It means a lot to know that the story really connects with somebody who's obviously spent a lot of time thinking about Draco. The third chapter is written, I'm just waiting for my beta reader to come back from her vacation. So soon, hopefully! Report Review
Hey, its RoxiMalfoy from the Forums... OMG, I am SO sorry this took so long for me to get to! I ended up having to go to the emergency room yesterday cuz I had an allergic reaction to an antibiotic they put me on a few days ago. & Ive never been allergic to ANYTHING in my entire life, so it really freaked me out & had me down for pretty much the entire day... Yeah, so NOT how I had planned on spending my Sunday afternoon/evening. And then I started writing this review last night, but the medication they have me on pretty much knocked me out before I could finish it. And then, of course, I had to work pretty much ALL day on Monday. But now that I am home and I FINALLY have a few moments to myself, I can at last sit down and do this review for you! You seemed a little upset before, so I thot that I should clarify what happened. I always try to leave long and well thought out reviews tho, so hopefully I can make this one worth the wait? =/
Ok, so first things first. I just wanna say that I really like the title you have for this 1st chapter. Its very catching and I found it fitting for the chapter also. Another thing I liked is how this was kind of a missing moment from OotP, only told from Dracos perspective. I really enjoy stories that can do that and still stay 100% true to the books, so you pretty much had me hooked on this right from the beginning! I havent read an actual Hogwarts Era fic in quite a long time, so it was kind of like a breath of fresh air to see so many familiar faces again. For example; Millicent Bulstrode, Nott, & Zabini. You dont really get to see the more minor characters too often, so I liked how you found a way to include them all in here. :)
Your characterization of Draco is spot-on, for sure. I thought you did an extremely incredible job of capturing 'Book Draco' PERFECTLY in this, especially in the way that he referred to everyone by their last name, and thought of Ron as "Weaselbee," and Hermione as "little mudblood." Its paying attention to all the smaller details like that that truly make all the difference in the world, I think. And I could totally see Draco writing to his father to make sure that HE got part of the credit for whatever "weapon" that Umbridge found too. That was a nicely added touch, if I do say. I really LOVED getting this sneak peak into Draco's head. ;)
Omg, the part where Draco was alone in the room, reading over the letter from his father actually gave me chills when I read it. You're writing is SO GOOD! Call me weird, but I LOVE how dark this story is. I myself have spent a lot of time writing Draco out to be the "good guy" AFTER the war is over. But even I dont skirt around on the fact that he was a downright evil little prat during his Hogwarts days. You have most definitely done JKR's version of Draco a whole lot of justice here, sir! If anything, you've actually made me despise his character all the more - but in a good way that is, haha! ^_^'
UGH! He's so arrogant and so annoying in this, it just makes me sick! I cant believe how badly he is just using Pansy here. I mean, yeah, sure; its Pansy Parkinson. But still... Grr! He is already making plans to keep her around as his Mistress?!? That is just wrong on so many levels, and so sadistic of him to even be thinking of such things while she is making love with him. Oh, Draco is SO evil, and such a very non-12+ word in this. But of course, that is only making me love this story all the more, lol. Now, I wont go into very specific details, due to wanting to keep this review clean. *cough-cough* But the whole Draco-Pansy scene was phenomenally written!! I wish that I could write intense, hot, love scenes like that! That was fantastic and I was literally glued to my computer screen throughout the entire read!! XD
And even tho I knew it was coming, I was so wishing that this wouldnt end quite so badly for him. Because even tho he's being downright despicable, I still love him & I hate to see anything bad happen to my precious Draco. .. But this little reality check may be just the thing he needs to set him straight, you know? I personally cannot wait to see where you go with this, it is off to SUCH a great, GREAT start already!! I have added this one to my Faves, and I will most DEFINITELY be watching out for all of your updates!! This is seriously one of THE BEST Draco fics that I have ever read. And you, by far, have the greatest characterization of him that I have ever seen! As a matter-of-fact, I am gonna have to give this one a recommendation in the Draco Story section over on the forums next time I'm there, if no one else has done so yet. Cuz you totally deserve to get HUGE amounts of recognition for this! =)
And again, I am SOO incredibly sorry for the ridiculously long wait on this review. (Please dont hate me.) I usually DONT post unless I am serious about leaving the review as soon as possible. But I kind of had an unplanned emergency pop up, so my hands were tied this time... As an added bonus, however, for making you wait; Im planning to leave a review for the 2nd chapter as well. I dont think I can get to it tonight tho, unfortunately, but you can expect it to come within the next few days, for sure! =DAuthor's Response: Hi! So I've been staring at this review off and on for the past 5 hours now, trying to figure out exactly how to respond. I'll start with the easy part. I'm glad you're feeling better and I completely understand that there's no way to write a good review when you're sick or loopy on medication.
This is probably one of the most effusive, positive reviews I've ever received. It feels great to know that somebody got this much enjoyment out of something I wrote. Thanks so much for that!
I started to get very interested in the character of Draco Malfoy while I was writing Conspiracy of Blood. I wondered what sort of things happened to him "behind the scenes" of HBP and DH and how those events might have shaped him into the very conflicted young man we see near the end of DH. I wondered how those events played out from his point of view and how they might have changed his perspective. In the course of the books, he goes from being a very caricatured, almost buffoonish villain to playing a key role in the outcome. He could have caused Harry's death twice: once at Malfoy Manor when he refused to identify Harry and again in the Room of Requirement when he hesitated to kill Harry. Something definitely changed, and this story is my attempt to explore at least a little bit of that change.
In order to capture the change, I felt like I needed to start Draco off *exactly* the way that he was for most of OotP, so I'm glad that you thought I did a good job. At the start of the story, he is still the same arrogant, self-important, prejudiced brat with a severely overdeveloped sense of entitlement. I wanted to grab as many little pieces of canon as possible to help make the scene familiar, and it makes me happy that you picked up on those small touches.
I'm not sure whether I wanted you to despise Draco. At least not exactly. One thing I was hoping to convey when he's reading the letter alone in his dorm room was that his father fills his head full of all sorts of rubbish. To me, the Draco of the first five books is nothing but a product of his home environment. It isn't until HBP that he suddenly has to begin to think for himself. That's not to say that it makes any of his behavior from the first five books excusable, just maybe understandable.
Whew! I had no idea how the scene with Draco and Pansy was going to be received. It serves two purposes in my mind. Plot-wise, it explores Draco's inner thoughts about his future and the people around him. Even his girlfriend is just another plaything to him. He already knows that they don't have a "proper" future together, but he's simply too selfish to give up something he enjoys. The other purpose is that, quite honestly, that part was a lot of fun to write. In order to keep the books clean and suitable for young readers, JKR never goes into the kinds of shenanigans that go on between the couples at Hogwarts. But come on, these are teenage kids attending a boarding school! It's unrealistic to think that there wasn't a certain amount of hanky-panky going on.
I don't know that it ended all that badly for Draco, considering how it *could* have ended. In my mind, Snape was sent by Dumbledore specifically to make sure that Draco wouldn't wind up being implicated. In his zeal to look like he was doing *something* after so many months of denying Voldemort's return, I have to imagine that Fudge was looking for anyone and everyone that he could toss into Azkaban.
So if you don't want to see anything bad happen to Draco, I, um, have some bad news for you. Lots of bad things are going to happen to him in this story. It's unavoidable. He is being made to pay the price for his father's failure. In my mind, that harsh treatment is what eventually shows him the error in his ways.
Thanks so much for such a long, detailed and enthusiastic review. I really appreciate it! I don't hate you and I understand that things happen sometimes that are beyond anyone's control. I hope you continue to enjoy the story! Report Review
1st to favorite, 1st to review, yay me, haha!! =P
SOFXHOMRYMUH!?!?! OMGosh, wow!! This was SOO good!! Depressing, yeah, but good at the same time. It seriously almost made me cry, Jayde. The emotion in it was spot-on hun, VERY well done! Everything flowed so nicely, and the attention to detail was great. And your descriptions are ah-mazing!!! ^_~
I'll be honest, I've NEVER read a Charlie-central fic before. But your portrayal of him is quite good, him & Bill both. I could totally see the 2 of them being closer with one another than they are the others. I heart their brotherly-love in this already, lol. So I especially liked the bit between the 2 of them... The poor Weasley's, I feel so bad for them. :(
This story is off to a great, great start so far and I for one am anxious to see what happens next! You have definitely left me wanting more. I got to the end and I was like... Wait, that's it?? So now you have to update this SOON ok? Oh, and I didn't really see any grammatical or spelling errors, so you and your Beta are super-awesome, haha!! Your writing is so Fab Jayde, I just love it!!! =)Author's Response: D.E.A.N.A. ! Thank you SO, SO much for being the first to read and review AND favorite this! I can't tell you how much it means to me, and I'm sooo thrilled that you enjoyed it!
Honestly, I've never really read a Charlie-central fic before either, and I have NO idea where the idea for this came from. It just sort of... showed up out of nowhere. Haha; I love their brotherly love already, too! :) And I know, poor Weasleys! :( But things will get better for them, I promise!
I promise I will update soon. In fact, I'm going to go try to write chapter two right now! Again, thank you SO much for all your kind words and for reading/reviewing/favoriting! *hugs* Report Review
Hello there, my name is Deana (aka: RoxiMalfoy from the forums) it is so nice to finally "meet" you, lol! :p Susan, isn't it? I tagged you in the "Review the Person Above you" game about a week or so ago, but then RL got crazy and I never had time to come back here and review until just now. I am SO very sorry that it took me so to get here hun, hopefully you didn't think that I had forgotten about ya tho... Anyhow, I will try to make this review well worth the wait, haha!! ^_^'
Starting with: OMGosh, how have I NOT read or even heard about this story before now?!? I mean, I know I was gone from HPFF for the majority of last year, but dang! This is already an amazing story, right from the start, It's no wonder you've won so many awards and gotten so much recognition for it!! I must be honest, I have been a secret admirer of your artwork over at TDA since I first started making graphics of my own back in Dec. of 2010, but I have never once even been to your author page before now. I've heard about your writing, of course, but I've just never had the time to come by here and check it out. And I've been on here for going on 3 years now, so I guess that it's about time, lol!! XD
Getting into the more technical aspects of this review now, I have to say that the way you described everything was simply astounding! It actually felt like I was right there in the room with Lucy, seeing everything that she seen. I especially loved the description in the sunset part, that scene was probably my most favorite. I also really liked how you described the pain she was feeling from her injury. My leg even started tingling a bit while I was reading it, that's how good it was! It made me feel so bad for her, poor Lucy. I wanna know more about it tho, like how she hurt it, and when she hurt it, and if it'll ever be fully healed again... As far as everything else goes, there was not one grammatical or spelling error at all, at least not that I could find anyway. Which honestly comes as no surprise, considering how awesome you are, lol! :p
Everything about this beginning chapter boasts of originality. It's not too often you come across a Next-Gen where the story takes off in Neville's household, or even mentions him and Hannah at all. And I like the fact that is is Lucy-centered, rather than James or Al. Half the time it seems like people forget that Harry & Ginny had a daughter as well cuz Lucy is always thrown into the background. So kudos to you for choosing her as your MC and giving her some much needed love!
And clearly this story is a time-travel tale, but I really like the idea that you are not taking the predictable approach and using a Time-Turner. It is very original and it completely surprised me. I never considered vanishing cabinets to even have that power before now. But now that I think about it, it's totally plausible and it makes me all the more excited to read more and see how this all pans out for her! Am I right tho in assuming that the Vanishing Cabinet there at the end is in fact what is going to take her back in time then? I guess I will just have to read on and find out for myself, haha!! ;)
Oh, and speaking of the Vanishing Cabinet, that just reminded me of another thing. I love, love, LOVED the Narnia reference in here, lol!
"It reminded me of those books Aunt Hermione had leant me once, the kind of wardrobe that one could walk through to another world. It was a silly idea, really, probably based on a faulty vanishing cabinet that whisked one off to Merlin-knew-where."
That quote there was pure genius!!! From a magical world standpoint, I could easily see that as being in cannon. In fact, it reminded me a lot of Ron calling "Cinderella" an illness in the books. I don't know why, but there you go, lol!! VERY well done. :)
It's not just that one quote that stood out to me tho, there was way more. Your attention to ALL of the seemingly small details was amazing! Like, for instance, the way that she caught herself nodding at the phone, the way that you described the labels as being too old to really read, and the description of the jewelry box was super great as well. I was very intrigued by the ring. I feel like the first words may have been "you must" and then something about the "future" perhaps... Gah! Idk what it all means. Must. Keep. Reading. Haha!!! I have already added you and this story to my favorites, so expect to be hearing from me again later. I cannot wait to see how this all unfolds. Great, great work Susan, really!! You are truly a fabulous writer!! =D
~Deana~Author's Response: Wow! I haven't known how to respond to this review, and I'm sorry for taking so long with it, Deana. You've given a huge review for the first chapter alone! I've never gotten so much back from a review tag before, and I'm still stunned to see it - it's often easier to expect little, but when you get something big instead, it's just amazing, worth far more than the wait. Thank you so much!
This story has been flying beneath the radar - it's like a critically acclaimed movie that no one has seen. :P I'm glad that you've liked it, though, more than liked it, even. That scene when Lily watches the sunset is one of my favourites too - I just love the vision of it, how there's all that beauty in the world and she can't get herself to enjoy it. She tries, but her disappointment keeps getting in the way. That scene really helped me better understand her, or to at least know what kind of character I was dealing with. I put her together so fast initially that her development over the period of the story occurs as I slowly figured her out. It was a "oh need female character", "why not Lily?", "okay, let's go" kind of situation. XD
It ended up being more fun to use a vanishing cabinet. They're so... handy, at least within the context of this story. Unlike a timeturner, it's more set in place and would more likely be owned by a single family than passed among multiple people. It made the plot work out a lot more logically. It's also a very haunting piece of furniture - big cabinets/wardrobes like that have this menacing quality to them, probably because of their height, so it looms over Lily like this monstrous villain, forcing her through time whether she wants to go or not.
Thank you very much for the compliments! I don't know what else to say in response to them. It's wonderful that you've enjoyed the first chapter, and I really hope that you enjoy the rest of the story too. ^_^ Report Review
Tagged ya in the "Review the Person Above You" thread in the Gryffie CR! ;)
Ok, wow. So this was... deep. Very deep, lol. Altho I didn't [i]quite[/i] get it at first, one quick re-read helped me to understand it better. The first man was Regulus and the second was... Remus?? What I don't get tho is why Regulus would be writing to Remus. I didn't think those 2 were ever on speaking terms, lol.
Also, I didn't get what he was talking about in his letter when he said: "get in, get him, get out." If he was talking to Remus, then where was Remus supposed to be going, and who was he supposed to get? I understand that you only had 500 words to work with, but that part, to me, was the most confusing thing of all.
The thing I liked most about this one-shot tho was that it really makes you think. The emotion within it was incredible, and the descriptiveness was amazing for so few words being used! Kudos to you for taking part in this 500 word challenge; you definitely nailed it! Can't wait to see you write more stuff in the future. :)Author's Response: Bonjour fellow Gryffie~
I didn't actually realise how confusing the correspondence between Regulus and Remus would have been until I got reviews, which is extremely stupid of me. In my head it just seems perfectly natural. I promise to ask for a beta in the future so that I don't get wrapped up in IDEAS! and TONE! at the expense of confusing readers.
I was sort of trying to keep the first note ambiguous - succeeded, unfortunately - but my favourite version of the reason for it was relating to Sirius. I had this idea that Regulus was a good person even in '75 when they were all teenagers, and that he'd secretly help Sirius escape the madhouse that is Grimmauld Place; he'd tell Remus rather than any of the others because Remus is the quietest and least likely, in Regulus' view, to do something stupid. Sirius would never find out because he'd be too occupied by the conflict between him and his parents, and Remus would never tell him. I s'pose the note could relate to anything that Blacks don't do, really. (That is an unfortunate choice of words.) But anyway. You're absolutely right, I could have and should have done that better.
Thank you ever so much for this great review, you've brought to my attention a glaring error, which is the loveliest thing ever. I'm not a masochist, I swear. :) Report Review
Hahaha, I love you PP! Your AN's always make me giggle, lol!! I really like this chapter. It's odd to see a Longbottom in Slytherin, but she certainly does have all the right traits to be in that house. Her little "outsider" quirks remind me of Neville. He IS her dad, correct? Just making sure I'm keeping track ok, lol... ^_^'
I really like the way you have written Aurora's character. I've not read too many personalities like hers before, so it's good to have a nice change. The fact that she is just 1 of 3 is also interesting, even tho she is set apart from the other two. I can't wait to learn more about Astra & Aiden as well!
There were so many other things here that sparked my interest, apart from Aurora and her family that is. Like Al's "nightmares" and the introduction of so many new characters. But most importantly I am dying to know more about this Psych-Ward scandal thingy... You're such a tease with your cliffhanger endings, lol! I know all about RL getting in the way of updates tho. My own story hasn't been updated in a YEAR!! But even still, I do hope that another update will be up soon tho... Pretty please?? ;)
Oh, and just so you know, I AM available to make a CI for this chapter whenever you are ready for it! I'm not filling anything else right now, nor have I entered any challenges lately. So just fill out the form and feel free to hit me up in the "Specific Artist" section at TDA whenever. :)
Hmmm... what else? Oh yes, as for my thoughts on pie; I'm actually more of a cheesecake person, truth be told. But Cherry Pie is definitely the best, if you're really gonna make me pick, lol!!! XDAuthor's Response: So sorry I'm late in replying to this!!!
hehe Yes Neville is Aurora's father. She was just MADE for Slytherin. I had so much fun writing her. She has such a unique personality and she brings so much to the story (more to come in later chapters). She is one of three!!! That will be very important later. ;) You'll get to see a bit of Astra in the next chapter. Hope you like her too!! She's very different than Aurora.
Al's nightmares probably won't get discussed much more further than this. Though I might write a one shot about it in the future if enough people are interested. But for right now you'll just have to use your imagination.
Psych-ward scandal thing is BIG. Just remember it because it's not going to show up again for a few chapters.
I am working my butt off trying to get chapter four finished. I have about 500 more words to write and then I have to send it to my beta. So hopefully within the next month!!!
Thanks so so so much for reviewing this!!!
PP Report Review
Hey Robbi!! Thot I'd give this a quick read before I set out to make the Chapter Image for it... This chapter is REALLY GOOD, and such a great way to start off what I am now positive will be a fabulous next-gen. story!!! I love the first-person POV, and was shocked to hear that this was your 1st attempt at writing it! Your writing style is so great here that you almost seem like a natural, haha!! And I didn't really see any spelling errors, but there were a few missing commas in some places. So whatever you're doing; do keep it up hun! =)
The absence of some of the names I have become familiar with thru reading other next-gens (i.e. Dominique, Molly II, & Fred II) took some time to adjust too in the beginning, but the characters you have added in place of them seem to be really well thought out. I especially loved Wilfred, lol, but I cannot wait to learn more about each and every one of them as this story progresses... I also cannot wait to make Chapter Images for each of them as well - if you'll still have me after the 1st one gets finished that is, lol!! =P
There were SO MANY other things about this that I absolutely loved tho... Like the new History of Magic teacher, Henrick Henwick, (very creative name btw) and the way that Proff. Binns got blown away by the wind - too funny, haha!! Roses personality is addicting, and I love her sense of humor too! I also enjoy the way that Rose acts like she can't stand Scorpius sometimes, like when he smirked at her in the beginning, and yet she is so obviously into him, lol! I sense that the 2 of them will end up together very soon, no? ;)
I promise I will get started on the image for this chappie ASAP!! I have already added this story to my favorites, and will be eagerly awaiting your next update soon, haha!! 10/10Author's Response: Thanks for the awesome review!!! You get a cookie!! *hands cookie*
I'm so glad you think I made a good first attempt at first person!! I tried so hard to make it sound okay, so I'm glad my hard work paid off :) I hate commas DX hehe
Molly is here.and Fred is just Wilfred XD I excluded Dom, Lucy, and Roxanne (all girls) in favor of some boys! XD Oh and Technically I just changed Fred to Wilfred and made him a girl lol. I wanted to do something a little different and I hope my changes pay off.
Wilfred!! She is SUCH a cool character and I can't wait to write from her perspective (another funny/humor/fluff chapter). :D
Henrick, ah my brainchild. You will see lots more of him (as he is the only teacher I have planned out XD) in upcoming chapters :) Binn's story will also come back to into play later!!
Rose!! She was so much fun to write, I absolutely had a great time incorporating her character and personality into her homework assignment :) Hehe Rose is a little frustrated with Scorpius (because obviously she's head over heels for him but doesn't want to admit it), but the frustration will be to her advantage later ;)
Scorpius's POV is up next!! ;) You'll enjoy it I'm sure ;)
Thanks again for the review!!
PP Report Review
Oh for the love of god, I just realized that I accidentally put some of my comments for this chapter in my review of the last chapter, lol! Oops!! I just read 2 chapters back-to-back and so I got mixed up. So everything I said about Ron in my last review SHOULD HAVE been stated here, lol!! Oops!! ^_^;
I guess I'll take so me time here then to say a few more things about the last chapter, since I already talked about this chapter back there, haha!! One thing I wanted to point out was how Aaron kind of reminded me a little of Draco, the way he was always teasing her like that. Stupid git. Oh well, I suppose there has always got to be one of those kids in every school, no matter where you go, lol!
The transition between her 1st year and 6th year was also very nice and smooth. I thought that you did a really nice job with that and it doesn't feel anywhere near as rushed now!! Great work, and kudos to your Beta as well! Beta Readers make the word a far better place, as far as I am concerned, lol! I know that I would certainly be lost without either one of mine, haha!! ;)
But anyways, moving onto the correct chapter now. from what I can remember, this chapter seems to be pretty much the same as it was before for the most part. I was glad to see that you did make an author's note about the language thing at the beginning of the chapter. It was a whole lot less distracting that way, haha!!
I also find it really cool to be reading about Hogwarts from the perspective if someone who has no idea what all of it is about yet. I mean, she doesn't even know who Harry is yet, lol! This is why I love HPFF so much, you know? Because thru reading & writing, we can rediscover Hogwarts and the world of HP thru our own characters, and in our own way!
And even tho I already know all of the faces and all of the places, I absolutely love being inside of Jayde's head here and watching as she makes the same discoveries that we made thru Harry over 10 years ago when SS came out!! So thanks for writing such a fabulous story, my dear, and for coming up with such a marvelous character like Jayde Newsome!! She really is the best, and I cannot wait to learn more about her character as she grows and learns to control her new-found powers, haha!! =)Author's Response: Haha, again, the mix-up's totally okay! I'm glad the transition between her school years was much smoother, and I totally agree that Betas make the world a better place!!
And yes, Aaron IS a bit like Draco, and I'm glad you caught on to that; that'll be a major factor in events that take place later on!! *winks* And yes, there's always someone like that everywhere you go; at least, in my experience anyway.
And thank you for pointing out that the way I had the Author's notes was distracting! I'm so glad you did, so that I could go back and change those things while I was changing everything else!
And I totally agree, it's amazing to re-discover Hogwarts through the eyes of another character. Some stories I've read stick strictly with the originals, but still add in another character we didn't know about and give you a whole new view of what happened in the series; it's amazing!
Awww, thanks for saying my character's marvelous!! I promise, there's more about her and her powers in the coming chapters!!
Thanks SO MUCH, Deana! *hugs*
Ok, wow, I said I wanted more detail about the school and you certainly did deliver in that department, lol! Well done!! I love that you went back and took a little bit of extra time to paint a more clear picture of what Dunamase looks like in the reader's mind. The school feels really homey, and I like it a lot. It's no wonder poor Jayde didn't ever want to leave there. :(
I still cracked up at the Irish spat between Ron and Hermione, lol. That is so like Ron. Oh, and Idk if I mentioned this before, but I also love it how she keeps calling Ron "Ronald" in her head, lol. I would love to hear her call him Ronald out loud, because Mrs. Weasley is the only other one who ever calls him that, haha! :p
Your line spacing and paragraph format has greatly improved, which makes the overall flow much, much better now. You are improving hun, and I still love this story so much! Jayde is so unique and original. You are doing a fabulous job my dear, keep it up!! =)Author's Response: Haha, now I see what you mean about the mix-up! It's totally okay though sweetie, whichever chapter the reviews are for, they're still amazing and I LOVE YOU for them! *hugs*
I'm so glad you liked the more detail about Dunamase; I did that JUST FOR YOU! I'm glad it came across as 'homey' too, that's what I was aiming for; a small little school that's quite a bit different from Hogwarts.
I'm so glad that you get the whole Irish arguement; FINALLY someone gets my dry, sarcastic humor, lol! Haha, I was going for that whole "new person, call them what they're introduced to you as" thing with her calling Ron "Ronald" in her head; I didn't realize until just now that I didn't show her calling him Ronald out loud, haha!
I'm SO glad I took your advice and took the time to go back and edit these chapters; for the line spacing, description, and everything else. Again, thank you SO MUCH! *hugs* Report Review
Hello Jayde!! I have a bit of free-time today (finally) and so I've decided to sit down and read a few of your newly edited chapters, haha!! =)
First of all, let me just start by saying WOW!! This was so different, but in a really good way, lol! I mean, it was like reading something out of a different story entirely! You have improved SO MUCH girl, this was amazing!!!I love how much more detail you've included here, and the dialogue flows together so much more smoothly now.
It's the little things; like adding how much the Goblins terrified her, and putting in little details about the wand shopkeeper's squeaky voice and height, that make the story so much more rich. It definitely came across as far more real this time, and Jayde seems a lot more relatable now, that's for sure. Not that this was a bad chapter before, because it wasn't, not by a long shot! But this new version is just amazing!! You've gotten SO much better Jayde, and I am so proud of you hun!! *hugs*
10/10 - because you deserve it after all the hard work you have clearly put into this, haha!! I can't wait to see what all you've added in when she goes to Dunamase too, haha!!
~Deana~Author's Response: Aww, Deana! *SQUEE!* You're gonna make me cry!! Thank you SO MUCH for reading and reviewing! I'm really, really glad you thought this was an improvement!
I have to give a LOT of credit to my Beta; she's absolutely amazing! *Does happy dance* Yay for the story being more rich and real, and for Jayde being more relatable!!
*Hugs back* You're making me blush! I really almost cried when I saw the last bit, with the 10/10 up there and your explanation. You have NO IDEA how much you really just made my day, dear!! *Super hugs*
THANK YOU SO MUCH! Report Review
Hello again! Sorry it has taken me so long to finish these reviews for you. I have been working a LOT of overtime at work these past few weeks... But now that I have a day off, I can finally leave you a couple more! :)
Oh wow, I totally did not see that one coming!! It is so horrible to think that her sister and brother-in-law are dead, yet it was so wonderfully written at the same time! I am assuming that this is Voldemort'/s work, no doubt? Is this, perhaps, the event that made her decide to join the Order of the Phoenix and want to fight back?
I felt so bad for Hestia in the last chapter too, tho I kind of had a feeling that she would end up being the reason that Hera and Ryan would meet. Her sister was kind of acting like non-12+ word there tho. I mean, instead of talking the time to notice that her sister was clearly crushing on this guy, instead she only focused on herself and what SHE wanted. So to me, Hera seems kind of like the preppy, spoiled, selfish type. And poor Ryan - caught in the middle of 2 sisters like that, haha! ^_^'
That being said, I still did not wish to see either of them dead. Poor Hestia. Not only does she have to live with the fact that she cheated with her sister's husband, but now they're both dead too so she will never have the chance to make amends with either of them. I wonder what Hera and Ryan did to make the Death Eaters come after them tho. That part has me curious. What were they being tortured for? Information? I don't know, but I hope I will find out...
Your writing is beautiful. Short and to the point, yet wonderful and chalked-full of description and emotions all at the same time!! I have developed a sort of love for this story, and despite everything that has happened, I still kind of hope that it has a semi-happy ending for Hestia.
10/10 -- Keep up the great work!! =)Author's Response: You are right on with that idea about why she joined the Order! That was the original point to this story, so it's great that you picked that up.
As for Hera, she is just... used to getting what she wants, and what she wants more than anything is the perfect family. Unfortunately, she never stopped to think about what anyone else wanted :(
Ryan was tortured for information specifically about protection magic, as this takes palace between GoF and OotP, so he is still trying to figure out how to get around the protection magic that Harry has at the Dursley's.
I'm glad you've grown to love this story and thanks for reviewing!
Annie Report Review
Hello! RoxiMalfoy from the forums, here to begin this review swap!! Now I know I said that I would leave a review on the first & last chapters, but the first one was rather short, so I decided to just combine the first 2 chapters into 1 review! :)
In chapter 1: I thot that the introduction you gave was very good, and I liked how it introduced us to the main characters. I never knew Hestia had a sister tho - or did you just make that up? If so then you did a really great job naming her. Hestia & Hera go together well. They totally sound like sister names, lol! I am interested in knowing more about this affair tho, and what drove her to do such a thing to her own sister. I'll try not to be too judgey of her character tho, until I've heard the rest of her story... The tense thing was a little weird for me at first, so I'm glad you explained what was going on in an Author's Note at the end of chapter 1. I was getting used to it by the ending tho, and I actually quite like the layout of this a lot. It's unique and totally unlike anything I think I have ever read on this site before. Great job! :)
And now for the chapter 2 notes: Your description of everything was fantastic, and your attention to detail is amazing! I especially loved her first reaction to the library, and the room itself was very cool to read about. I loved how she was all shy one minute, but then the next she was so talkative when she realized that they had something in common. Ryan really seems like a sweet guy, and I am really liking his character a lot so far! The dialogue between the two was so natural, and I thot that it flowed really well! And the way you're using the magic here is so unique, original, fresh and fascinating. I especially like the way that it directly connects us with the Potterverse. So many stories out there tend to be so "mugglized" and they leave out the usage of magic altogether. Stuff like that always bothers me, so I'm glad to see that this one seems like it'll be filled with lots & lots of magic!! =)
All in all I think this story is excellent, just based on the little bit that I have read so far. It's original and it holds the readers attention, so well done!! I have added this story to my favorites now, and I can't wait to read more! You are an excellent writer, so I'm sure the rest will be just as great as this! 10/10Author's Response: It's funny you should say that they sound like sister names, because both names are from Greek mythology, where Here and Hestia are sisters! I'm glad you like the layout, because I know it can be confusing!
The magic Hestia and Ryan worked on is very important to the story even if I don't touch on it too specifically. I've always wanted to add a bit more history into the magic used in stories, so I'm happy that you liked that!
So happy you enjoyed it and I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to get to responding to this! Thanks for the review!
Annie Report Review
*Gasps* That dirty little cheater; there is NO WAY he's the "good guy" that everyone keeps saying he is!! AND OMG VICTOIRE IS DEAD?!? That is so horrible! Who would do such a thing!! Holy cow, I really have no idea what to think here... At first I totally thot it was Teddy, I mean, I was SO SURE that it was Teddy. He has the demeanor and sketchiness of a killer and everything! But then, why would he kill his own wife in cold blood like that? I mean, I know she's a spazz and everything, but she is still the mother of his child. Now, I could see him offing the Ex Death Eaters because, well, they are the reasons he grew up with no parents. So it would make sense for Teddy to have a grudge against them... But Victoire? What really good motive would he have for that - other than the fact that he was unhappy with their marriage? =/
So now I am starting to think it was Roxanne, especially after the killer directly said that Victoire was getting in the way of everything. She does seem to have the most motive in the case if this particular murder. (Or maybe that's just what you want me to think, lol! ^_~ ) But I just can't see why she would kill McNair and the other Death Eater tho. Like I already said: Teddy would make more sense for those killings. Hmm... maybe she just copied the first murder to kill Victoire, so that that way her death would just get blamed on the serial killer instead of coming back on her. Could there possibly be TWO killers in this, but everybody just thinks it's the same person doing it??? Or maybe they're both in it together; like Bonnie & Clyde, and they somehow planned all of this, lol!!
I'm just making wild guess here, because I really have NO idea at this point, lol! I guess I'll just have to read on to find out what happens next!! ^_^' This is SUCH an awesome story Melissa, and you are a genius for writing it!!! 10/10
~Deana~Author's Response: Hey again!! I love reading all the speculations here. :P Imagine me sitting and steepling my fingers laughing an epic villain laugh. :P I'm so appreciative of your reviews and apologize for having taken so long to answer them. Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection