Your sentences are a bit stop and go. The use of a semi-colon to bring two sentences together, yet still letting the reader know their separate would work will. For example:
He was stony-faced and hard. He was the kind of person who didn't acknowledge things like emotion.
I think a semi-colon instead of a period would have worked better here. It would helped the flow of the words more.
And the use of 'extra fancy' for this time period just doesn't fit too well. I'd try a different synonym for 'extra'. When you're aiming for the correct wording for a period piece you have to sit back and think "would they really say that or would these string of words be found together in a published period piece?"
Also there's no need to break up the paragraphs with a single sentence unless necessary. In my opinion a story or chapter with very little talking and just details and thoughts are perfectly fine. The hr lines are a bit distracting also; you have to believe that you're readers are smart enough to understand that the next paragraph maybe pertaining to a different take or next step in the story. Or if you like a simple few dashes is completely fine as well.
As I said your sentences are a bit stop and go and that interferes with the flow of the story. Nevertheless I like the story so far, but Edgar's sudden dislike of her after he finds out she's pregnant feels forced. I mean one minute he's with her then find out and calls her a floozy the next despite being the one that got her pregnant. That bit is just not very realistic.
You've got to think about his actions from his point of view. As if you were in his shoes with his personality. I'm not saying mold him to your personality, but choose his words wisely. Did that make sense? The ending as well seems a bit forced. I'd like to see it flushed out a bit more; otherwise I like the idea.Author's Response: Thank you for your review. =)
I understand your comment about the choppy reading. I'll work more on that in the future.
I agree with you on the 'extra fancy' part. I don't write this time period often, and that must have slipped through the filter =P I'll have to focus more on things like this when I write in the future. Thanks for pointing that out. =)
I purposely left some paragraphs with only one sentence to emphasize them. Also, I like to use the hr lines as a way of breaking the story. Pardon me, but what is the difference between using a few dashes like you said or the hr line? A few dashes also shows a break in scene.
I agree that it's odd that Edgar suddenly switched sides when he found out she was pregnant, but that was my intention. He is supposed to be seen for his true colors there - an irresponsible sort of guy.
If you don't mind my asking, what do you mean by 'flushed out'?
Thank you for your review! I really appreciate your feedback =) Report Review
this is Astariel from tda and i have to say i do like the story! it goes quiet well with the banner! XD lol
onto the writing. you have some miss...placed words, haha. like: because ,instead of, became. You've two other occasions of that happening. only 3 in total, but otherwise what you've got so far is pretty solid. I'd love if it was a bit longer, but that just maybe because I'd like to read more!
Great piece! Can't wait for you to continue.Author's Response: First off, I'd like to say that I'm honored you took the time to review my fic. I adore the banner! As soon as I saw it, it was like...whoa! Perfect for the story; it's exactly what I was looking for. :)
Oof, sorry about those. I'll go back soon as edit it. I feel so awkward re-reading this because it's so short. Normally, my chapters (at least for multi-chaptered fic) are much, much longer. This chapter is incredibly short by my standards but I'm hoping to expand it a bit when I edit it. Hopefully, that'll be soon-ish.
Thank you so much for reviewing!! I can't tell you how happy and honored I am that you read this. Thank you!!! :) Report Review
I love fedora's. damn you! lol i also enjoyed the water bit. played out quite wonderfully in my head and I have to say i can't wait for the next chapter! Report Review
I have to admit I got confused with your reference to a jumper. Where you referring to a kind of jacket worn loosely over the clothes or where you going for a chiefly British definition. If that's the case it's just a pull over sweater, so you understand i was a bit confused as to why she was pulling it around her. lol XD
Once again everything feels just a tad too rushed especially with George telling her about his feelings for her and that they still stood. Weren't they supposta be taking it in small steps? lol.
When she tells George what she and Ernie had done it makes the reader believe, because you're rather vague about, that they had a sexual relationship, but yet at the same time you've got Alana saying that her and Ernie didn't do anything major.
Nevertheless it's a good chapter ^_^Author's Response: Alright, I'll try and fix that jumper thing... I was actually going for the pull over thing but I obviously need to edit better before I post.
Maybe I'm not showing time well enough? It was a bit later... I'll definitely take it into consideration, I thought the time was fairly sufficient. Hm..
And what happened between her and Ernie is supposed to be a bit ambiguous, at least for now ;]
Thanks so much for taking the time to review and criticize, I really appreciate it!!! Report Review
Finally some George!
Truth be told it feels all rather rushed to me a bit. It's understandable that George would be upset, but to the point the flat would be in such a mess. He's gotta get out to work otherwise he'll be living on the street or back at the Burrow.
Nevertheless good chapter. It had me engrossed and I like your portrayal of George. It seems when it comes to twins there's always the reckless one and the other reckless one, but he's got a head on his shoulders that he uses well. George was always the latter.
I saw him as a bit more emotionally attached than Fred so good deal on that.
I was confused about where Ernie went. He said he was going with her, but then disappears completely.
Either way good chapter!Author's Response: Awesome! I'm glad this went over better than the first, heh. I meant to portray the house a bit disorganized because he doesn't really use the stuff much, but I definitely have to edit it a bit, which won't be a while, like the other. And yeah, I definitely have to edit in where Ernie goes (back home) - you're not the first to realize that -- eep!
But I'm so glad you thought I portrayed him well enough... thanks again for the review!! Report Review
I like it so far for a prologue, but somethings are out of place/ seem out of place.
Why did Ernie have to lift her up? It just doesn't feel real to me. As in it was too much.
Also why would she share anything about Sirius with him? No one outside of the Trio, a few teachers and the Order knew that Sirius was Harry's godfather. I'm sure he didn't share that with anyone else and I think her sharing that with Ernie would certainly raise his eyebrows.
When it comes to Fred's death I believe he was killed by the falling rubble not a curse. Also Alana, though understandably relieved seems rather, uncaring of Fred's death, as though she feels no guilt about the thought she had. Hogwarts also doesn't hold graduation ceremonies even in the time of death. As it was proven at Dumbledores death. Maybe a large funeral, but graduation, no.
Besides those things I think it's a good start. Off I go to read the next.Author's Response: Hm... firstly, thank you so much for some constructive criticism... I was really doubting that this could've just gone over so well. I'll definitely be thinking about this. I don't plan on editing soon because of a bunch of other stuff I have, but I will definitely put these into my story notes to think over for when I do edit.
Thanks again! I really appreciate you taking the time to review! :] Report Review
A good little oneshot. I've never read anything from Ron's perseptive, and have to admit I found it funny. Never thought I'd read: "Ghoul whisper" in a story. ^^
Though the opening wasn't needed and that type has been overdone like when I walk away from my oven when I'm cooking and forget. lol, still I understand what you were attempting.
Nevertheless quite good and had me chuckling a good deal!Author's Response: very pleased to hear that!!
thanks so much for reading :) Report Review
'ello Rita, it's Alex from TDA. so glad to see this story up!
I have to say I love how you opened the story with just the employee advertisement. Had me laughing a good deal. 'Must walk dogs'.
I find it interesting that you used the name Portia for the owl, though it's pronounced like the car, if i remember correctly, and was the rich heiress in The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare. What I'm attempting at saying is that I rather enjoy finding these little things here and there in your writing. It's definitely wonderful to find in HP fan-fiction.
The humor weaved in and out of this chapter is wonderful and I'm already loving it to bits and can't wait for the next chapter to hit!
I only saw two things that I can really point out, if you don't mind?
In the sentence: 'His office upstairs was not how you'd imagine for a single, utterly available, bachelor professional wizard.' bachelor made it feel a bit clunky to me. The flow just seemed to die when it hit the word in that particular sentence.
And with this one: 'More of cross than surprised.' The word 'of' just doesn't fit well to me. At first I thought 'a' was missing, but that wouldn't have made any sense at all. Lol. I think taking the 'of' out would suit it better, but like most things, it's an opinion.
Nevertheless, a lovely start to your story! Report Review
Short, sweet and cute. Though I wish there was a bit more of a background about them, but other than that I enjoyed it rather well!Author's Response: Thank you! I know, but it was a one-time inspiration really. I'm glad you liked it! Report Review
I have to admit I've never read any of the stories that carry one of the banners I've made, but this one finally drew my attention. You weave the words so well that the world around me actually dropped out of sight and sound. It's rare for that to happen to me unless it's by one of the particular authors that I love. That last memory really gave my heart a squeeze.
To find your writing among fan-fiction is a bit hard for me to fathom because you've such a talent and wonderful grasp of the craft with this piece. To quote a story: you are a wonderful ink-weaver. And I do hope you've some original pieces that I may take into sight and read.
10/10Author's Response: :O
i am so so so honoured! your banner is so breathtakingly beautiful, and sort of inspired this fic. so thank you!
i'm grinning like the biggest idiot now :D i dont know what to say, except you've totally made my year... i love writing more than anything and i do hope one day to have something original on the shelves. Thank you so much :)
ps. i love your graphics. *is a secret stalker* ;)
- Marina Report Review
'Maybe they'll make his office into a supply closet.' - love that bit. Got a laugh out of me. ^_^
Still what a sad story. I kept thinking 'I hope he doesn't die', but sometimes you gotta kill off some characters. Though I'm a bit confused. Why did Teddy go into the Army so suddenly without really thinking it over. It's a life changing decision and he sort of ran head first into it recklessly. Sort of reminds me of Sirius.
Nevertheless it was quite good and the song fit it well.Author's Response: =P I liked that line too XD Thank you! I understand your concern, but it was kind of supposed to be a last-minute decision. Because he had just lost his job, I felt he needed to do something reckless in order to make up for it. Thank you! Report Review
Oh dear what a ruthless mother! It's interesting to see you start the story out with Sirius' birth. You don't find that a lot (I know I don't) and it's rather refreshing.
I always felt Orion had been dealt a bad hand when he was forced to marry Walburga even if he was all about Toujours pur. Still you've weaved this chapter wonderfully and I'm glad you stopped by my thread!
I have to agree with envinyata about the few clunky words here and there, but other than that, I rather enjoyed this a great deal! I do hope you stop by again when the next chapter is up!Author's Response: Oh, I'm so glad that you find this story is already heading in a new direction! I really didn't want this to be just another Sirius Black fic and I'm really trying to work on developing the characters the best I can. And by doing so, explaining why Sirius ended up the way he did.
As for Orion, we'll be seeing more of him and Walburga in the next few chapters, which will develop them as characters, but I'm glad that it's already starting to show. And I hear ya on those clunky words. =P I'll definitely work on that if I edit this chapter.
Thank you so much for the review! And I'll definitely stop by when I update again. ^_^
-Alex Report Review
Let me say I do love the title of this chapter! Lol, I thought I must be mean because I would have blown Bellatrix right off the roof completely! XP
Anyways, I like the way your going with the story, but at the same time, tread this line carefully. There are countless stories about transfer students (I'm guilty of it myself), and they usually are the ones that are the most talented at their old schools. So be sure to flesh out your character. Show the cracks and faults in his persona and keep in mind not every canon should like him.
When it comes to your dialogue and description, I think you've a nice balance of it so far. I'm not one to complain if there's too much of either (most of the time, lol) but I felt rather relaxed while reading this and really drawn in. Your action scene was well done and I could see it all quite well in my minds eye.
The only thing I can really critique is the school. You mention they may have placed it in Salem, but you've got to remember that the Salem Witches Institute is more than likely there. Or at least that's the understanding by the name.
Nonetheless, good chapter so far and you're more than welcome to come back and ask for more reviews on your chapters to come.Author's Response: I didn't forgot the Salem Witch's, I just felt that an explanation didn't fit well in the chapter. In my story the Salem Witch's institute is a group that is for relocating the the students of Crawdad Keep to Salem. They meet with limited success, and the only members are the witches who we saw at the world cup.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
I do like the story so far. You actually have a nice balance between description and dialogue in this chapter. You don't want too much dialogue but the same can be said with the description.
Had to laugh at the bit: "I guess that's one of the advantages of living on your own. You can just brew up a batch of crack in your cauldron whenever the mood strikes you."
It's wonderful work so far!
Lastly let me say, please format correctly. Bring it together. lol. no need to double space or triple space between paragraphs and dialogue. I know it's usually brought on when copying straight from word to the form, but still.Author's Response: That was my favorite line too. And I'll watch out for those extra spaces. They weren't there when I reviewed it in word. Thanks for the review! Report Review
I was wondering when you were going to put up the next chapter and here it is! First. Yay! lol
Second I really like the flow of this chapter. it's smooth and keeps on getting better. I found myself cracking a smile at the "It's always quite striking to see a seed of originality resides within you, Kurt," bit.
Black's characterization is coming along quit nicely and I'm liking him more and more! He reminds me of the saying: "Shoot, shoot some more, shoot until they're all dead and then try and ask some questions."
Quite good so far! Report Review
I love this! This is far too cute and it had me smiling the whole way through. Wonderfully written and it's definitely a favorite of mine now!
10/10!Author's Response: Aww, thank you so much! ^_^ Report Review
I liked the chapter, but the first sentence was a bit too long for a chapter opener, but nevertheless it was good. I wish you had paced it just a tad with the snakes. I've been face to face, unfortunately, with a rattlesnake in my grandmothers basement and only managed to get away from it because it didn't notice me as it was asleep and the other had slithered it self out of a hole when I opened a door. (very scary) but snakes are rather fast when threatened and it seemed a bit too easy that your characters escaped unharmed from them so quickly.
What got me wondering also was why Grace and Blackthorn were using a laptop, when later, Hugo contacts Blackthorn via Floo powder?
Also at the part:
Grace set her mouth, pulling her gun from her holster and aiming it at Black's skull. The red dot was trained on the spot right between his eyes
the first thing that came to mind was; simple would have been better. though this is just my opinion, i think the simple sound of the gun being cocked would have worked if described right. the simple sound of the click reverberating off the walls.
then again that's just me. =)
On the other hand, I liked that she did freak out like anyone else might have when getting wrapped up by a snake. I laughed a great deal when I got to the part:
Black, who was frozen as a viper started to slither up inside his shorts
'Six days and Seven nights' sprung to mind when I read that bit. Lol, still I'm glad the characters personalities are being shown little by little and not thrown onto the reader all at once. Wonderful work so far Kali, I hope you keep it up! XDAuthor's Response: Hey Alex! Thank you so much for your extremely detailed review - I needed it. :) For the length of the first sentence, I've gotten a comment about that already, and the chapter is in validation with the proper edits.
Wow, an encounter with a snake! I've had one too - staying in a cabana in Costa Rica, this baby viper found its way into our kitchen and we all totally flipped. It was scary as hell, especially since it moved as fast as lightning.
Again, thank you so much and I'm very glad you liked it! I'll take your "simple is better" into consideration when writing future chapters. ^^
Kalina Report Review
Kali you certainly got me interested. I've been wondering what your story was going to be like since I saw the signature at TDA. Glad you finally put it up and it's great so far! You've certainly got me wanting more and the imagery is wonderful!
Can't wait for an update and hope you do soon!Author's Response: The fic has been up since before I got the sig, I think. :P Or somewhere around the same time. XD Thank you so much for the lovely review, Alex! I'm so glad you liked it! Chap 2 is in the queue atm. Report Review
this was quite good. i'm not a sirius/lily shipper in the least, but you got me to read this without letting on it was one, even if only slightly, before I was more than half way through it! Sneaky, sneaky you! Nevertheless it made me feel quite an arrange of emotions which, to me at least, shows you're quite a wonderful writer and I do hope to see more of such a degree from you in the future.Author's Response: Thank you very much, Alex! =D It's a sneaky Sirily story, and it wasn't even supposed to be one at first, but I needed a girl to meet him, and Lily came to mind. It didn't help that some people had been asking for another Sirily story, so this turned into one. :/
I'm really glad that you liked it, still. ^_^ Thank you for the wonderful compliments! I do hope that I can write more like this in the future. Report Review
This is quite cute and rather funny! I've finally found another story to keep up with! XDAuthor's Response: Haha, thanks! Report Review
owww that was good, it had my heart beating faster!! Can't wait for more to come! XD Report Review
Squee!! sorry i had to do that..haha.
what a good chapter! Sirius and Ellie were just too cute at the end of the chapter. i couldn't help but laugh at the frog march bit as it reminded me greatly of my friend Joe who'd hug me and we'd frog march backwards back when i was in HS.
this story always brings up nice memories for me! i just love it to bits!! Report Review
What a good chapter. I was worried that she'd spill the beans while she was drunk about his girlfriend cheating on him. Glad you didn't do that. Threw up on his shoes oh that's fancy! Lol XP
Do update soon though please! I won't be near a computer for a week starting the 22nd and then if you updated after i left i'd be terrible sad to have to wait to read it! ^^ Report Review
She is sooo random!
That would be me, dropping right in the snow in the midst of a conversation...sounds like fun...wish i had a good coat!Author's Response: Haha, yeah she is xD
haha, i know, it does sound fun, i would so do it, but we hardly ever get snow here =( Report Review
Lol, i loved the 'I seized the opportunity' moment! Lol to funny!
Grabbed him by the ears...poor bloke! XP
Hope you update soon!!! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection