Ah, we have Lily on the football field. I was looking forward to this!
much  important in football than they were in Quidditch - omitted [more], also “snitch” should be capitalized.
Annie is looking like to be a great person. Empathetic, not the type to get in one’s business if you don’t want but still caring enough. Although, at this point in the story, her life seems to revolve around football. But maybe that’s really just the truth of it, eh?
The longer, the better, and you got double points for sticking with them through hard times. - this is so true, of any sport. Even curling I’m sure!
I like that you have Lily not being close to ALL her family. Most NextGen portray the Weasley and Potters being super-BFFs all the time when this isn’t the truth of family. There are those you like as well as love and there are those that you are just around because you happen to share some blood. I don’t know if those authors realize it but there is such a thing as a “Mary Sue” family.
and once the sun started [go] down, it definitely got chilly - it’s either [going] or [to go], hm?
and pulled her over to one of the [part] benches. - [park]
“He was  a few times when I was little,” she said softly, - missing “there”?
There’s a feeling I’ve had for a little bit in reading this story. The feeling is that I don’t quite understand why Lily ran away from her family. I mean I can kind of get it, better now with this exchange with Annie, but it’s still a little vague for me. I can see that she’s super worked up about it with the crying and all but the actual connection for me in her being so worried about her family to needing to be away from them is sporadic at best. I think what’s needed is a bit more segue between her family being into all these dangerous things and the feeling of her needing to not be there, not be a part of it. Because if I were that worried about my family, I’d stay there with them, try to help them through it and keep them alive as best as I can. Not sure if this makes sense.
Just to answer your little comment on your request, I don’t mind sticking with you throughout a novella! I enjoy reading your writing and I feel like I’m learning more about football and the like. Plus, you’ve given me a good mystery as to who Lily is supposed to end up with and also in seeing her get over this hill in her relationship with her family. Your flow and interactions between characters are very nicely handled and I don’t ever feel like I have to push through your story!
xCharAuthor's Response: I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to answer this - I've been a bit stressed lately.
Thank you so much for your review - the little catches that you make are always super helpful, and I definitely know what you mean about understanding why Lily ran away. I think I understand it all in my head, and haven't fleshed it out enough for everyone else. I'll definitely try to do that through edits, as well as in coming chapters. :) Thank you! Report Review
OMG. I totally laughed at Annie. I’m sorry but, really? I started out this chapter with “Oooh, there’s an air of mystery here” to “Oh come on! Really? Geez, Annie.” :) What a funny way to start though!
“Every match against Man U is an important match,” :) how every loyal fan feels
I’m totally with you Lily. Lost. My Yankee mind cannot grasp the finer points of football Beeezie!!
Of course Edwin would find Quidditch interesting. What an in for any male! Sports!
Ha! I found one thing to cc: “I’m so excited,”she squealed - lacking space between [“] and [she]. Not that I always have to find something to cc but I realized that my review was mainly just a reaction post rather than anything of substance :(
I don’t have anything to correct! The flow is moving along fine. Annie and Lily are building rapport. Lily is going to do football which is going to be interesting to read about. Edwin is starting to warm up to the wizarding world (ish) and we’re progressing! This has got to be my shortest requested review in a while but since I’d already decided to review Chapter 5, I don’t feel too bad :)Author's Response: Haha, yeah, I'm glad you liked Annie's reaction. Rivalries really can get so bitter and extreme. I literally cried when Barcelona lost to Real Madrid in the Copa del Rey last year. (Then one of their players dropped it during their celebration and the bus ran over it, which made me feel a bit better. Seriously, how do you win your first trophy in a few years and then DROP IT UNDER A BUS? But I digress.)
Thanks for the typo catch - I always let one slip by me. Blegh.
I'm really glad you're continuing to enjoy the story - it probably one of my favourites of my stories, so that makes me very happy. :) Report Review
Heey! I made it, finally! So sorry it's taken me so long, the days just keep disappearing d:
Once again, I love this story so much! And your writing in general. I already meant to tell you the last time that you don't actually have to re-request, because I'm going to R&R anyways (:
That been said, let's start with the actual review!
Yey for all the football in this chapter. I think you described Lily's problems really well! I could so relate and it made me remember the first time I played. It was so awkward (x
( Oh, and to answer your question from your last response, I've always been a Gunner (: I only wish that I would actually live in UK, so I could go to one of their games! Well, maybe one day )
I'm really glad Lily decided to open up to Annie. She really needed that, she needs to learn to open up a bit more, that will make it easier for her to eventually face her family about her troubles with them. So great development on her character!
Everything else was perfect as always (:
I'm hoping you will make another change though. I want you to change this from Novella to Novel and write many, many, many more chapters for me to R&R (x
Have fun writing, hope to read your next chapter soon (:
~EAuthor's Response: No worries! I saw that you posted in my review thread - yay! - and you'll see how that goes. :P I used to be great about leaving prompt reviews, and then they got longer and life got busier and now people often have to wait a couple weeks.
And god, I know! I remember being a kid and constantly clenching my hands behind my back because I kept forgetting I couldn't touch it if it was coming at my head.
Yay Gunner! ♥ I love them. After the fails with the FA Cup and Milan, I was so happy to see them make their epic comeback against Tottenham. I actually cried. And this week I'm going to tape it so I have it forever, right next to the Chelsea comeback from earlier in the season.
I'm really enjoying this story, so we'll see, but I'm thinking that it will probably stay a novella. Hmm. We'll see how it goes, though! :)
Thank you so much for your review! Report Review
Hello, I’m back for Lily’s crazy adventures!
I shake my head at this girl’s antics. She’s living on the edge with the way she’s throwing her magic around.
Scorpius may be cooler than his dad but he still seems to have a little bit of Malfoy in him. He never really had gotten used to the muggle world. and the bit about being able to lie with a clean conscience. I like how you’ve characterized him with a bit of Slytherin but an underlying Hufflepuff bit or maybe it’s not Hufflepuff so much as love for Rose.
The dialogue between Scorpius and Lily is lovely. I think I mentioned this before, in fact, I KNOW I mentioned this before but it bears commenting on once more. She was so open in her affection for him and her care in making sure he was okay, reading his face and all, was just adorable. And he does it vice versa. It really makes him a part of the family and clearly shows that Lily and Scorpius really are friends.
Now that he mentioned it, she did remember Albus giving both Rose and Scorpius the cold shoulder when they’d first started going out, [because] they’d both lied to him about it [because] they didn’t want to make him angry. - the two “becauses” make the sentence a bit unwieldy. Perhaps replace with “due to the fact that” or “as”?
I like how Lily has her eyes wide open about her family. I know that that that was the premise of the story (that she saw the flaws to her family risking their lives and such) but she also knows those little things about them (which all family should know anyway) such as Rose’s eavesdropping tendencies and Al being more level-headed than Rose. It just makes the family dynamic of the story that much more real for me.
I love thinking about what Muggle things parallel wizard things. Like TV and wizard photographs. It’s just an exercise that I don’t often get to indulge in.
LOL, your football obsession is coming through. Smart of Lily to use that as a diversion tactic. Annie seems like a very likeable girl. She’s confident, runs her own place and cares about her family. I could see Lily getting with her.
I actually laughed about Anthony’s conclusion that the class on Ireland was primarily there to make the Brits feel guilty. I like Anthony so far. He’s funny, charming and really easy to communicate to it seems. Plus it seems like he’s handsome. I could also see Lily getting with him.
But then that would leave me guessing as to what the “slash” warning referred to. Is it Lily/Annie? Edwin/Anthony? Edwin/Someone else? Annie/Someone else? I don’t know! Because I haven’t read the other chapters and I’m not looking at the titles or summaries as I don’t want to have it spoiled for me. :)
xCharAuthor's Response: Ooh, I'm really glad you like Scorpius! I'm definitely pretty proud of his character - I didn't want to make him completely unrecognisable as a Malfoy, but I definitely wanted to mellow him out considerably from who his father was as a teenager. I've built on that some as the story's gone on, especially in chapter 6 (which is going into the queue as soon as what's in there is validated). :) I'm also glad that you like the interaction between Lily and Scorpius - I really wanted them to form a united front.
Thanks for the catch in that sentence - I'll fix that as soon as I can. :)
I won't spoil the OC or slash thing for you, so I'm not going to say anything about the possible ships. :)
My football obsession is about to get worse... I hope you can forgive me. :P
Thank you so much for such a lovely review. I'm off to rerequest! Report Review
Lily needed to open up, I think. I mean, Annie has been a very nice friend, but of course she's curious. And I'm glad Lily talked about her family for her own sake. Thanks :)Author's Response: Thank you for the review! :) I'm glad you liked the chapter, and I'll try to update soon. Report Review
This was a great chapter. I enjoyed reading it
Can't wait for the next one!!
Update soon XDAuthor's Response: Thank you for your review! :) I'll get the next chapter up as soon as I can! Report Review
Maybe Lily will rest a little easier now that she has told someone about her worries and fears. Her struggles at football are rather funny. Thanks for the update!Author's Response: Thank you for the review! Glad you enjoyed it! :) Report Review
Hullo! Here for your requested review on Chapter 2!
I love how you start out with Lily’s impressions of the Rickety Walrus. You can see right off the affinity she has and how there’s something familiar and right about the place. The little details that she picks up are just the type of things any person could pick up and thus, she becomes more real to me, the reader. I’ve already got her as being a bit on the quirky side, the impulsive nature and the random sights, sounds and smells she’s picking up just kind of cement that for me.
I liked how you handled the dialogue between Lily and Annie. Annie comes off as being very easygoing and personable (which I guess is a plus for someone who runs a teashop!). You also slipped in all these bits about what she was doing plus what Lily was doing and what she felt that it just made it come alive rather than having it be this dry back and forth that some writers can get into. It actually flowed quite well.
LOL, MarioKart! I loved that game! I used to sneak out my brother’s Nintendo when he wasn’t home and play it because he wouldn’t let me do it otherwise. It is incredibly addicting.
Ah, the downfalls of keeping one’s spell-casting secret. Because magic makes things easy for her, everyone assumes that actual actions come easy to her. I feel like that that’s what’s going to be a point of conflict in the coming chapters…
You’re so cute to define what the games were that you were talking about :)
I don’t have anything to critique on this at all! Though I didn’t read your previous story, the trust that Lily has in Scorpius and her natural affection for him is easy to see. Your flow and pacing is just right and I stay interested in the story as it moves along!
xCharAuthor's Response: Oh, MarioKart. I think anyone who ever played that game has very fond memories of it. And yeah, I wanted to be extra careful with credits, just in case. :)
I'm really glad that the dialogue was broken up well - it's something I've struggled with a bit in the past (too much dialogue, not enough description), but I've worked on it a lot, so I'm really glad you thought it worked!
Thank you so much for your review. :) I really appreciate it. Report Review
I really loved all the football talk, i really get Annie and having your team lose to a rival, having your team lose in general is rubbish, borderline depressing. I really loved the image of this figure draped over the couch shuddering. I could really imagine the passion she feels for the game. I akin that feeling close to something that the Canadian feels toward hockey. We had this game once which we closed down the school down for the afternoon to watch this World Series gold medal game of us against this other team and when we lost, there was this outcry and gnashing of teeth.
I'm really enjoying getting to know Annie, she seems like an interesting character and we keep learning more about her that i like. I like her wit and confidence and we really see what she's all about in this chapter and i can't wait to see Lily try out football.
I also really liked Edwin and her conversation about her world and how he was slowly getting to know a little bit more about it. It was so normal and i know i mentioned this in my last review but i love seeing how these two worlds are merging in this story, that really isn't explored in too many fanfics so it's really unique in that way.
It was kind of weird seeing muggle culture getting intertwined with magical in Dominique's case but i think i liked it, especially that you explained how she knew of the team and why she became obsessed.
I'm really curious to know if Annie will ever wonder how Lily got into the shop and if that will contribute to Lily being found out (i'm just assuming she will be since she uses it a bit). You've done a good job with this chapter, this review is a bit short but i don't feel like there was a lot going on in this chapter but i did enjoy it! Thanks for requesting!Author's Response: It really is! I've actually cried before because my favourite team lost. A bit pathetic, but there it is. I'm a Barcelona fan, and when they lost to Real Madrid in the Copa del Rey last year, I was devastated. (Though hearing the next day that a Madrid player dropped the trophy and the bus ran over it did help me feel a bit better.)
It's definitely close to how Canadians feel about hockey.
I'm really glad you liked this chapter. I've been having a lot of fun with my OCs in this, and I'm glad they're coming across so well!
Thank you for your review. :) Report Review
Heeey! I'm here, finally! I'm really sorry for the wait again /:
Okay, let me first say 'YES!' because there are football references! I LOVE football! Oh and I think it's great that you've taken it into consideration that the next-gen stuff actually happens in the future and things could be different! Not many people do that! But anyways, I'm super excited about Lily joining in Annie's team! I can't wait to read those chapters! I bet she will love it more than she thinks (:
Annie is adorable. She reminds me of my friend who is crazy about hockey. She cries after every single game her favourite team loses, it's like the end of the world for her! It's just so cute (x
Anyways amazing chapter once again. I keep wondering where you got the story name from? Is it meant as a metaphor because that would fit, or does it mean something else? I really like it though (:
Update soon and drop your re-request (: though I'll probably return anyways when I'm not too caught writing my own story d:
Happy writing!Author's Response: No worries! It often takes me a few weeks to fill review requests, so I tend to be pretty patient. :)
I am so glad that you love football - it makes me positively gleeful that another fan is enjoying this. I am so ridiculously addicted to football and am definitely using this fic to those ends. :P Next time you review, you have to tell me who your teams are - I'm really curious! (I'm mainly Barcelona, Valencia, and Arsenal.)
I actually just put the newest chapter up, now, which includes some of a practice. :) I'll request for it when you have some slots free, and hopefully you'll enjoy it!
The story title references the poem, "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner." Do you know it?
Thank you for your review! :) Report Review
I'm quite glad that this is not a Lily/Scoprius although I had assumed so, their relationship really doesn't seem like it could ever go in that direction (or at least, i had hoped so). I'm still relieved to know that there won't be that extra drama between Lily and Rose.
Moving on, i really enjoyed the flow of this chapter. It is very easy to read and you've a great hold on mechanics. Honest, it's a joy to read something that isn't cluttered with mistakes. I also really enjoyed the easy interaction Lily seems to have with Scorpius, i feel like their relationship is a big brother/little sister type thing and i think you've done a good job with handling that. I also liked some of the little details of how he's protecting her location yet he's getting into trouble with Albus and Rose (well, Albus mostly). It almost seems like she underestimated her brother commitment to her? Or their protection of her perhaps. Which i think is an interesting dynamic to add to it if i'm interpreting it right. It'll be interesting to see her discover her brothers in a new light as well? I'm probably reading into it way to much but i liked that part in any case.
I also liked that we saw more of Scopius' character in here, that darker side, darker probably isn't the best word, but the side that is able to lie and scheme to get ahead. It's not just that though, the fact that he has loyalty to his friends and i love all these new things we are learning about your characters because they seem so real and alive.
Lily using magic? She's a bit dense isn't she? Silly teenager and not realizing what would happen if she slipped up, which i'm assuming she will at some point because it's only a matter of time until Annie is going to peak into that kitchen and see what's going on. But it was a nice extra tidbit that we learned about Lily... that she seems a little bit like her dad and not thinking of the consequences of her actions (although this is hardly in such a dire situation)
Now, i know i've mentioned this before about Lily's reason for leaving and it being a bit weak. I think for me to believe it more, i'd have to see more of her personality in how maybe she runs away from her emotions or tough situations? I think if there is something there that tells us that this is something she'd typically do then it would be more believable.
I hope to see some football action with Lily and perhaps she'll enjoy it more than she thought she would. It's always interesting to see a witch trying to fit into the muggle world and i think you're doing an excellent job of it. I do hope she figures out better lies for the parts of her past life that she can't tell them, i'd know i'd become a bit suspicious of her eventually. Lovely job as usualAuthor's Response: I'm so sorry it's taken so long for me to reply to this. I've been super busy. :(
And yeah, I always dislike the Rose/Lily drama over Scorpius. It's just so tired and overdone, and I tend to avoid tired and overdone as a general rule. My first fic ever was a Rose/Scorpius (which I'm actually still in the process of editing/posting) - there's no way I'm ever breaking that couple up! :P
And yes! Obviously there's a lot more exploration of Scorpius's character is Curiosity Is Not a Sin (which is my Rose/Scorpius novel), but I'm glad that it's coming across here as well. I put a ridiculous amount of thought into how I wanted to portray my Scorpius, because I hate the way he's frequently portrayed in fics.
And yes, Lily really is a bit dense. She's so much fun to write, because I can really capture the full teenage ridiculousness.
Thank you so much for the review, even if my reply was embarrassingly late. I'll definitely be going over these chapters when I get a chance to add in some of your suggestions. :) Report Review
Although all the football talk went way over my head, I did enjoy this chapter :) (Although it's definitely soccer; football where I come from is Aussie Rules!) Although admittedly, there wasn't that much other than it :P I'm glad Lily's joining the team, and I'm also glad she and Annie are becoming friends. I also really like Edwin, he is a cool character! Thanks!Author's Response: Oh, I'm glad you liked it despite not knowing much about football (or soccer, for you :) ). I was worried that readers who didn't really know much about the EPL wouldn't really connect with it, but I'm happy to hear that that wasn't the case, at least for you!
Thank you so much for the review. I really appreciate all of your support. :) Report Review
yay, new chapter!! :)
i love this story, it's well written and is pretty interesting.
i don't follow football much so i appreciated the A/N at the end lol
great job, can't wait for the next chapter :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I'm really glad you like the story and that the A/N at the end was helpful. :) I'll have the next chapter up as soon as possible. Report Review
i love this story it is awesome i like lilys personality please update soonAuthor's Response: Thank you! :) I'm working on the next chapter now, and should have it up soon. Report Review
Hey, Elenia here again with your review! And sorry for the wait!
Another great chapter! I love your characterization so much! I think you've done a brilliant job with every single on of them. I especially love Lily, but Anthony! He's wonderful! I really hope they end up together! And I'm so glad it's not a Lily/Scorpius -one! Lily/OC's are so much better (:
the flow is flawless as always, as well as the description and everything else! It's so great to read a story which is so well written and interesting! I'm really waiting for your next chapter already! Inform me immediately when it comes out (:
I'm anxious to see if Lily will gte caught for using magic. she does that quite carelessly, it would be so easy for her to get caught!
I'm so in love with this story!Author's Response: No worries about the wait - life happens. :)
I completely agree about Lily/OC fics - I prefer them by far to any Lily/Scorpius or Lily/Scamander twin fics. They're just so much more fun. I definitely liked the idea even from when I first started writing Curiosity Is Not a Sin (my first fic, which includes this Lily in a fairly minor role) of making Lily end up with a muggle.
The chapter is in the queue now - hopefully it'll be validated in the next couple days. :)
Thank you for the review, and I'm really glad you like the story so much! ♥ Report Review
Lily did not know who Mario was, or why he and his friends were driving cars in such strange places, but it was quite addicting nonetheless.
Sometimes I don't quite understand why Mario and his friends drive cars in such strange places.
Am I really a Muggle?
I just blanked on what I was going to say because this review was actually going to be something with substance but I forgot. So instead I'll just broach something...hopefully...err...Lily being introduced to Muggle things? Love it. Annie? Seems cool. I don't get football (American and unfourtunately it's Superbowl Sunday today or European football) so I really can't comment on that. Then again I don't understand most sports...well, only baseball but that doesn't really matter. I wonder what'll happen with Scorpius and what he's going to say because you would think with a family of Aurors they would have found her already and dragged her kicking and screaming home.Author's Response: I don't quite understand, either, but I do know that I love that game! Maybe neither of us is a muggle. :P So much fun.
It's so sad that you don't get football! It's the best sport ever. The chapter I just put into the queue is very football-centric, which will hopefully be fun rather than annoying for my less football-inclined readers. I don't get American football, personally... it's just so confusing, and I don't understand why they call it FOOTball when they're usually touching the ball. Ughhh.
Anyway. I'm glad you're continuing to like it, and thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
Hey! Here I am to help with your HPFF resolutions. When I read the summary I wasn't entirely sure I would be on board for this. I've read other stories where the Next-Gen kids run away for some reason (mainly their parents and the fact that they have to struggle so much because of what their parents have done in the past) and it never really interested me. But then I started to really delve into the chapter once you started to mention all the Potter/Weasley's that have been in St. Mungo's and why. I find it interesting that you really stick to your outline of occupations and you're really able to make it work in each story.
I'm actually excited that you used a Dursley. I think if anyone can write a Dursley it's you. Plus, I think they need a bit more love on the forums. I'm a bit miffed that I can't find any Dudley centered stories because he wasn't a bad person, not really, well, he did change after the Dementor attack, why not write a bit of interaction between Harry and Dudley. Or a hashing out between Harry/Vernon or something with Petunia? I think there's so much there that hasn't been targeted and it's surprising because I think it would make for a great story.Author's Response: Aww, you are too sweet. ♥
I'm glad you like the way I keep working things from other stories in - it always excites me when someone comments on continuity between my stories, because it's something I really try to do and I always wonder how many people are actually paying attention enough to notice. So when people do, I get very excited - doubly so when it's somebody as awesome as you! :)
I completely agree with you about the Dursleys, Dudley in particular. I think that there's a lot that can be done with them, and that they definitely deserve more attention than they get. I mean, it's not even about his being a bad person - there are plenty of Voldemort and Bellatrix centric stories, and they were both pretty much just plain evil.
On the subject of the Dursleys, though - AC_rules wrote a one-shot recently called "Watering Petunias" about Petunia during the seventh book that's definitely worth reading if you're interested in a Dursley story. It's amazing.
Thank you for the review, and I hope that you continue to enjoy the story. :) Report Review
Hey there Beeezie! Now, I already know that I won't be able to compete with one of your beautifully long and chunky reviews (sometimes you have to... log out to post the rest?) but I am here to fufill the request on your lovely story :)
Now, when I read the summary I was almost-sort of dubious because I've read a few stories where Lily runs away and I didn't think the reasoning behind that was very good. I think I actually continued reading those stories anyway because I thought they'd be interesting. I wasn't properly dubious though because I loved the title (the albatross reminds me of ryme of the ancient mariner and I like it when things turn up associations and stuff -it's always clever) and because I've read some of your stories before and I know that you're good.
And, I didn't really have a reason to worry. As soon as you started talking about the Weasley/Potter relatives tendancy to go for dangerous jobs and I decided I was on board. I actually loved what you did with that and I can completely see why Lily might have issues with all her families chasing the thrill. Scorpius, too, I thought was excellent.
Anyway, I liked how that she isn't running away to be spiteful because she's overlooked or anything of the sort - she's running away because she needs a break. I liked that. I liked that a lot.
Basically, I would definately agree that it is an orginal and interesting opening that I think would certainly get people to read onwards.
I was little unsure about some bits of this chapter though. Mosty, when Lily had moved to Edwin's flat things felt a little bit rushed at some points. I think maybe I wanted more of a reaction from Edwin about aquiring a new housemate, or possible I just wanted more despcription in the bit to do with his facial expressions/Lily's emotions. Like, its got to feel pretty strange running away from home? I think you should have capitalised on the 'this is a bit new and scary' sort of feeling under the brave face.
But, I really enjoyed this chapter and I'm really glad I had a chance to read it. I can't wait to find out how everything pans out and how her parents/family are going to react. Feel free to rerequest whenever, as it would be a pleasure to continue reading/reviewing for you :)
-ACAuthor's Response: Oh, I was so hoping that someone would pick up on the reference! I love that poem so much, and as I was wracking my brain trying to think of a title for this, it just seemed to fit perfectly.
I'm really glad that you liked the rationale for running away - I definitely wanted to avoid the cry for attention, both because it strikes me as kind of cliche and because it also honestly feels a little boring at face. Like... it just feels like there's not as much room for interesting growth and depth.
I can definitely see what you mean about Lily getting to Edwin's flat - I'm looking over the chapter now and trying to add a bit more in.
Thank you so much for the review. It was really helpful, and I very much appreciated it. :) Report Review
After finally getting back to my reviews I decided to favorite this after reading this chapter. xD I thought this was a nice chapter and I don't really have much to say... I think I'm gonna give you a few more reviews since I am taking so long (Sorry about that)! I'll continue reading this and hopefully I'll have a few more things reviewed by tonight :D
Mike.Author's Response: Oh, thank you! :) I'm so glad you're liking the story! And no worries about the wait, I completely understand. Report Review
Okay, I just added this to my favourites just because of this line:
"And she loved doors that opened into a building rather than out."
I love doors like that! And I'm so sad we don't usually have any of those here. I think I have only encountered two in my whole life and that is so sad!
And I lied, because that line is not the only reason why I favourited your story (: I just really love this and want to see where this all is going!
The Rickety Walrus seems like just my kind of place. I loved your description about it, I could easily paint the picture into my mind. I actually had to stop reading and go make me some tea because this made me yearn for some.
I lurve Lily! She's awesome; you've done such a good job with her. I love it how she's so emotional and I admire her strength to actually walk away and take a little breather. Though I hope she will soon leave a word to her family to know that she's okay so they don't have to worry about her.
The Mariokart-moment was just perfect. I reread it three times because it was just so funny! Especially:
"Lily did not know who Mario was, or why he and his friends were driving cars in such strange places, but it was quite addicting nonetheless."
Oh, and the fact how Lily's little spells with the water jug backfired on her as they thought she could do it all by herself.
I could probably ramble here forever of my favourite things about your story, and end up quoting every single sentence. This is just so amazing. And the things I don't like? Well, there aren't any! Except one thing! I don't like it that you are wasting precious writing time when you are reading my praise chorus here. So hurry up, post some more chapters already and post your re-request! (:Author's Response: Sorry it's taken me so long to respond - life has been busy, and I ended up with a little bit of a backlog. :(
At any rate! Every time I read this review it makes me smile. I'm glad that you liked the 'doors that open into a building' and 'MarioKart' lines so much, because those were some of my favourites, too.
(And seriously, doors that open into a building are so much better. Doors that open out always get caught in the wind, and it's very annoying and sometimes painful.)
Thank you so much for your review. I really appreciate it so, so much, and I'm so sorry it's taken me a few days to respond to it. (And am working on chapter 4. :) ) Report Review
Sorry I didn't write this last night, I read your story and went to bed. I felt a bit tired and didn't want to leave a rubbish review.
So I reread it and I'm reviewing it this morning.
You get the characters just right, every single time. I really like how you've tackled Lily's character, especially with the emotions she feels after leaving home, as well as the shortcuts she uses to get past certain obstacles such as the water. Also, you create brilliant OC's, which is great because they just fit into the story and scenes so perfectly.
I know that type of tea shop too, I think there are a couple in the city near where I live. I think you described the atmosphere and appearance in there really well.
Also, I love that you managed to get your love of Football in this, and that it's not all about Quidditch, as it so often is in HPFF, although that is understandable.
Great work, as per usual! :)Author's Response: No problem. :) I know what that's like, haha.
I'm really glad that you thought that Lily's character and her emotions worked well - I was a bit afraid that I wasn't getting it across very well (because I'm always a bit afraid of everything), and I'm glad that my fears were misplaced. :)
Also, I am so planning to use this story to insert about a million football references. Quidditch is great and all, but please, it has nothing on football. :P Report Review
I loved this chapter. But then, I got hooked by the first chapter of Curiosity Is Not a Sin, so I kind of knew that this was going to be good.
I think you managed to get Lily's character spot-on. With all of this going on around her, it seems natural that she would want to go away for a while. Also, the fact that she ended up at her cousin's was good, she didn't disappear from the face of the Earth, and she didn't abandon her family without being able to get news about her brother and cousin.
There were some small issues I found whilst reading this, but generally they were few and far between, so that's nothing to worry about. I just have little to give you in the way of improvements. :P
I like the way you manage to create your OC's, because they always seem so polished and perfectly thought out. You've took all of these things, and merged them into his personality. It's great.
Lastly, the wall painting disaster was just brilliant. It was something that I thought was an original idea, using the magic to alter the room, and opened the end up for the comment about how bit the room was. That was just brilliant, along with the rest of this chapter!
Will read chapter two soon *cough* now *cough*Author's Response: Sorry it's taken me so long to respond - I've been horribly busy. Blegh. Why can't I just hang out on HPFF all day, rather than do work? Oh well. My life is just so terribly hard, I guess.
I'm really glad that you liked this chapter so much. Hopefully knowing that Rose and Scorpius end up together doesn't spoil CINAS for you. :P
And oh, the wall. I love the wall. Lily is a silly 17-year old who should really be using magic much less than she actually does, and I am determined to make it backfire on her.
Thank you so much for your review. I really appreciate it. :) Report Review
Oooh, this was so good! Really, really amazing!
You captured my attention immediately! I could so relate to how Lily was feeling! I hate hospitals, it's so rare when happy things happen in them! Mostly it's just sad!
You did an excellent job with Lily! She was very likeable and realistic. I could understand how she needed a break from all the things going around her. The problem with having a big close family is that even though there is so much more love, there are so many problems too that it can get very unbearable from time to time.
Edwin was a great character! I could see so much Dudley in him, the new and improved version I mean. Edwin was more lenient, but I think that's what Dudley's children would be like. I always like to picture that he and Harry did eventually fix their relationship and became sort of friends.
I liked all the changes that Lily did to Edwin's apartment and I loved his reaction to them. Though I don't really think she could use magic so freely in a muggle apartment, but that didn't matter. It's your story and your rules (:
I didn't see anything that I would like to criticize, everything was just amazing. The flow was easy and captivating, I didn't lose interest in any part. You described everything very thoroughly and left no loose ends. Excellent work!
But what I'm trying to say is that I really did like this story a lot and I hope you will come back to re-request. If not, well, I think I'll still keep on reading forwards and review again at some point (:Author's Response: When a reviewer can find nothing to criticize and writes as in-depth a review as you did, it makes me really happy. :)
I considered whether she should be using magic so openly, but I ended up deciding to let her for two reasons: first, because she's a teenager and therefore sometimes makes poor life choices, and second, because my impression from the seventh book (and some in earlier books) is that the Ministry can't track of-age magic users unless something really obvious happens. They probably have people watching out for conversations or rumors or whatever, but as long as Edwin doesn't say anything, they probably can't tell where Lily is using magic.
At least, that's my thought.
Thank you so much for your review. :) I will definitely rerequest. Report Review
Ooh, Scorpius makes an appearance! I was not expecting that, I was expecting it to come a bit later in the story. But who cares? He's here now! And ta, look at that! It's not a Scorpius/Lily!
I love the way you made Lily thought that Scorpius was originally a smooth liar and I even thought he was! And surprise, surprise, Rose Weasley an eavesdropper. Hmph. On the most recent chapter of cinas she was eavesdropping as well, wasn't she?! Hm. Scorpius would be furious! ( Ooh, that rhymes!...I should stop rambling, shouldn't I? )
I think Lily would most definitely enjoy football since I do. Yay for socc-- football! I suppose its less thrilling than Quidditch since it doesn't involve one having to take a risk of falling off the broom but all the same fun! Will she be in a team or something?
And on a sidenote ( yep, I'm totally stealing lines ) I think it'll be Anthony for Lily since their names rhyme. ;) Great job, Miss! 10/10
Ta-ta for now,
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: I've been really curious to see what you'd think of Cinas Scorpius aged up a few years, and I'm glad you still like him! :) And yeah, Rose needs to stop eavesdropping. He wasn't wrong, though - imagine her reaction if she "overheard" him telling Noah about something and lying to her later. She'd be really, really angry.
Yes, Annie is going to convince Lily to join the football team. I've already got one of the scenes where she's at practice written, and it was so much fun, haha.
Thank you so much for the review. ♥ Report Review
Ciao, Char from the forums here with your review! As I mentioned in my thread, I’m only reviewing the first chapter of chaptered stories I haven’t read, so here I am…on the first chapter. (Yes, I do tend to be redundant at times.)
I haven’t even really got going in this chapter but I just have to say, I can already see that you’re a good writer. There’s a touch in stories that show when one’s comfortable with words and concepts and good at relaying them that’s easy to see. I’ve already connected with Lily in the first few paragraphs and I’m not really a Next-Gen fan.
Of course there was deep dislike and then tenderness between Rose and Scorpius. I guess with the set-up we had at the Epilogue there wasn’t much choice to put them as butting heads at first, eh?
I think “auror” is supposed to be capitalized.
Also, I know we have an established knowledge of Lily’s family’s history but you’ve done well in slipping in her own personal background in the story, at least with regard to her family. The time you’ve taken, even just this first bit here, really shows where Lily is at with re to her family, her unhappiness at the reckless lives she feels they are leading and how she, with that missing genome, feels out of place. It’s believable that she would run away from home at this point.
Muggle cousins! I really like that you’ve kept Dudley and Harry in touch! There was that bit of change in the end where Dudley wasn’t so much of a twit. It’s nice to think of them developing an actual relationship. I also like that Edwin knows about the magic world and isn’t put off by it but just interested, it sounds almost like, to him, that she’s just coming from another country; like it’s not a big deal to him.
Minor correction: He felt up his hand. “If I help you, am I going to get arrested or something by the wizard police?” - felt = “held”
Hee, closet-bedroom. Reminds me of someone…
I like that there’s lessons to be learned about magic even from people who’ve grown up in it. That she’s seeing that she can’t solve everything with it is nice and I guess is a good middle ground for her and Edwin, who isn’t opposed but not used to it either.
This whole interaction with Edwin’s friends is great. I basically feel like I’m watching part of a sitcom right now. I’m looking forward to seeing how Lily is going to navigate the Muggle world (because I want you to re-request! Or I’ll try to get to the rest soon).
A great starting chapter! As I’ve already mentioned before, everything was pretty realistic (as can be in fiction!) and you handled the descriptions, characters and flow pretty well!Author's Response: Yeah, I actually have a long novel about how Rose and Scorpius get together in the first place (this Rose and Scorpius - all of my fics take place in the same "universe," so to speak - same background, same OCs, etc). I love them as a couple, haha.
Thank you so much for the detailed review. I found it really, really helpful. :) Report Review
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