InTheShadowsIDwell from the forums here with your review! I have to say, this is a very intriguing start to your story, I've see it in in your signature over at the forums and have been meaning to get around to reading it, so now I've actually started. What I particularly like was the overall character of Jayde, which is saying alot as i usually dont like OC's all too much! I really liked her because I, despite not being magical could actually relate to in several ways, the background you've provided us with has already shown us that she is separated from her peers in the Muggle world, and I almost can't help bit wonder about her eyes changing color and whether it has something to do with it. You seem to have caught the schoolyard bullying scenario well also, and overall it was realistic and believable.
Your use of language was also very nice, I noticed no real grammatical errors, nor spelling errors so that's always a nice start! Your story flowed very nicely also, mixing the past and the present well to create a really nice effect! Well done on such an interesting beginning, I shall be sure to return to read some more in the future!
- In The Shadows I Dwell
(Gryffindor)Author's Response: Yay! Thanks you SO much! I'm really glad you found the first chapter to be intriguing. I tried really hard to make Jayde relatable, and I'm glad it worked! I have to give major props to my amazing beta for the grammar and spelling; she's an absolute genius! Thank you SO MUCH!! â¥ Report Review
Hello! This is so interesting! I loved it. I like how fast your moving with the plot, I think you've got it down perfectly because it doesn't feel rushed either. This Nimbimagus thing is interesting, so Jayde can control the weather? Very cool. Haha. I'm very interested to find out how it will all pan out when she gets to Hogwarts. This story is very original, interesting and entertaining; all at once! Congrats on writing such a good story! Very good chapter and you're developing the plot line nicely :)
- SexyDoorFrames, Gryffindor.Author's Response: Yay! Another review! Thanks so much, dear! I'm really, really glad you like the fast-paced plot and don't think it's too rushed! Thanks again!! *hugs* Report Review
I've already read the first two, so this is why I'm starting reviewing on the third :) Anyway, Hi! I hope you're okay. In all, I enjoyed this chapter. The ending scene with Ms. Fitzpatrick and Jayde was heart warming. You can see that their relationship is deep and that is lovely to read about. I mean, so often than not, the people in orphanages are nasty so it was lovely to read about a woman who actually cares about the child she looks after and in most ways, has somewhat became her mother. I loved the wand scene, it was so unusual and different. The chapters are getting better and I am interesting to know where you are taking Jayde's character.
- SexyDoorFrames - Gryffindor.Author's Response: Thanks a billion, dear! I'm glad you enjoyed it! *hugs* TLAT!! Report Review
Yeah... It's spelled 'dia duit' and pronounced djee-uh-ditchAuthor's Response: I'm sorry. Obviously I'm not a native speaker. I tried my best to find the correct information to make this as realistic as possible. I used what appeared to be a good website, obviously I need to try and find another. Thank you for your input. Report Review
Sorry to skip on the last few chapters, I didn't feel like I had much to add, so my reviews would be repetitive--they were all quite well written. You're also getting better and better at describing Jayde's feelings. She's really in a dilemma this time, and her pain and uncertainty come across very clearly. I was very happy to read that she's now determined to tell Draco about the baby (finally! Show your Gryffindor colors girl!). The whole check-up scene was done very well, I like that Jayde is beginning to think of the baby as "hers" and of Draco as the "father." She seems to be considering motherhood in a slightly more positive light (very slightly). Perhaps she'll even keep the baby...who knows.
All in all, it's been fun reading and reviewing so far! You've got an interesting OC with some real strengths and faults, enough drama to build a mansion-sized plot...great tools to work with for future chapters. My one bit of advice going forwards would be to give your minor characters (especially Ginny and Hermione) some more chances to shine.
Thanks for requesting!
xoxo wenderbenderAuthor's Response: Awww, thank you SO much! I'm really glad the emotions and fears came across very clearly. It's totally okay about the last few chapters! :-) Jayde's going to figure it all out soon, I promise! I'm VERY grateful for your amazing reviews; like I said before, you pay attention to even the smallest details, and I love that! After reading your reviews, I really, really wish I hadn't edited the story. I really feel like I lost the magic of it when I tried to incorporate what everyone else wanted. Thank goodness I've still got the original saved on my computer!! I really wish you could read it; I really think you'd have enjoyed it much better. I'll take all your advice to heart!
Thank you SO MUCH!!! Report Review
Oh my. I must admit, I had an inkling of this happening, after Jayde's, ehem, encounter with Malfoy. But seriously, could it be that she's really so sheltered she didn't realize she was pregnant for two months? Didn't she miss her period and stuff? Or did Ms. Fitzpatrick never give her "the talk"? It seems a little unlikely to me that she wouldn't have noticed SOME changes in her body, even if she wasn't showing yet. Maybe you could go back and add a few indicators in the last chapter, or in this chapter have her think something like, "now I know why my period was so late." Something like that would make it more believable.
Other than that detail, I think you did a good job with the whole thing. Mrs. McGreggor's and Ms. Fitzpatrick's reactions were realistic, and fit their personalities. I also liked your description of the appointment at St. Mungo's. The booklets and posters were a nice touch.
But oh dear, Jayde, what now! What now?!
xoxo wenderbenderAuthor's Response: Well, Jayde IS a bit naive. After all, Draco's the first boy she's ever kissed, let alone done anything else with. I was that way myself at her age; my mom didn't give me the 'talk', I got all my information from my best friend in 9th grade. :-( *blushes* And again, before the story got edited, there were LOADS of signs; Jayde was throwing up a lot and she noted that she'd missed a period. But, once again, I tried to be a people pleaser. People told me that it wasn't realistic to have a pregnant woman start throwing up all the time. And since I've never been pregnant, I tried to take the advice of the ones who'd been there. I really, really put too much store in what other people say, instead of just writing my story the way I want it.
Thanks for another awesome review, dear!! Report Review
I thought I'd left a long review here last week, with an explanation that I'd be gone for the weekend...but when I came back to check today, it's not there! I must've forgotten to click "submit" after preview. So, I'm really sorry it's been a while! Anyway, on to the story...overall, I think the plot is progressing well. Your pacing is nice: there are little spurts of drama, and then things cool down for a while, which is quite realistic.
My one big complaint is that Jayde's resistance to Malfoy seems to be almost a little too vehement. I mean, I know her friends have told her he's a jerk, but he's been nothing but kind and loving to her. She's no dummy, so why is she so willing to go on what her friends say, when the evidence of her own experience goes against it? I guess I'm just frustrated with her flip-flopping. When she's with Draco, she's all over him, and the moment he leaves, she freaks out. I guess if I truly felt like a lost control of myself whenever a particular person came near, I might freak out too...or perhaps this is part of the magic of their "bond" that Snape mentioned?
Anyway, I hope for Draco's sake that Jayde figures out what she wants soon! I feel so bad for him, Jayde did 'im and dumped 'im, the poor boy. : P
Again, so sorry about the reviewing delay!
xoxo wenderbenderAuthor's Response: It's totally okay, dear, I understand! Real life happens to all of us. Oh, and I HATE it when I type a review or PM and something happens and it doesn't send, and then you have to re-write the whole thing!
As for Jayde's wishy-washiness, that's another thing that got edited when I changed the story around. Originally, Jayde and Draco started dating the morning after their "encounter", and Jayde found out she was pregnant at Malfoy Manor. I really liked it the original way, but several people told me they didn't; they said it was too quick a resolution. So I went back and added in the "back-and-forth" that you mentioned. :-/ Honestly, I'm really starting to hate myself for editing the story. I try to be too much of a people pleaser. :-(
Jayde's stubborn, but she'll eventually figure things out. :-) Thank you SO MUCH for the review!! Report Review
Now I'm really intrigued how she will meet Draco if she's supposed to be off to an Irish school. I loved the "From now on, I would be my own best friend" idea. If only we applied it more often in our day to day life, maybe we could save ourselves the trouble of being hurt by others.Author's Response: Awww, thank you SO much for another review, Debra! Haha, you'll find out how she meets Draco soon enough! And I completely agree, sometimes we could keep from getting hurt if we applied the 'be your own best friend' idea to our lives! Thanks SO MUCH!! Report Review
OHH, this has potential! I can't wait to see what happens next. When her eyes changed I inevitably thought of Tonks changing her hair lolAuthor's Response: Awww Debra, thank you SO MUCH for reading and reviewing this chapter!! I really can't tell you how much it means to me!! Haha, I'm actually glad you thought of Tonks changing her hair, it's actually quite a bit like that, as you'll see in later chapters! Thanks again dear! Report Review
Dun, dun dun dun DUN! Oh my, what drama. I have to say, it's addicting. But doesn't Snape seem a tad OOC with his dating advice? I just can't imagine him saying all that with a straight face...not that he ever has anything but a straight face...
Sorry this is short! Must find out what happens...Author's Response: Haha, it's okay! I'm glad you're enjoying it! Yes, Snape is definitely OOC here, but for a reason. That will be revealed later, though. :-) Thanks again!! Report Review
Whoa! Things sure are moving fast...that was one hot and steamy love scene! I'm impressed by your ability to write romance, I was blushing like an idiot just reading it...guess I got my answer about Jayde's "inner daredevil."
The only downside of this chapter was that I think you went a bit overboard with the dressing up scene at the beginning. Actually, same for the description of Jayde's dress in the last chapter--you don't really need to describe everything in such detail, at least in my opinion. I tend to find long descriptions of clothes and stuff a bit boring, but that may just be me. One random question--didn't Jayde say she couldn't dance? Did she learn before the party, or did she realize it was easy and wasn't worried? Just curious...
xoxo wenderbenderAuthor's Response: Awww, thank you for being impressed with my ability to write romance! :-) I really hope you considered your blushing to be a good thing!! *crosses fingers* OH yes, Jayde's got a bit of a rebellious streak!!
As for the description - duly noted. Sometimes I felt like I didn't describe things enough, so I tried to compensate with the descriptions of getting ready/the dress... I guess I over-compensated. :-/ I totally understand what you mean about long descriptions being boring. Thanks for the tip!
Yes, Jayde did say she couldn't dance. Really, though, that was her insecurities talking. I mean, she's never really been to a party like this before, but she knows a little. Basically, she realized it was nothing major. :-)
Thanks so much for another amazing review, dear!! Report Review
Okay, love that Jayde's excited to go to a Slugclub gathering, right up until Slughorn says the word "date." So cute! Exactly the reaction I would expect from her.
I'm slowly getting to know Jayde better...she's very reserved, a little pessimistic, and rather over-sensitive and protective of her feelings (unsurprisingly). The way you have revealed her personality is so natural, it almost feels I'm becoming friends with her myself. She seems like the kind of girl who would take a long time to get to know well--she keeps her thoughts and feelings very much to herself. It's a refreshing way to meet a character, rather than having every personality trait laid out for you from the first chapter.
Despite her quiet demeanor, I have this tickling feeling that Jayde's got a little daredevil girl in there somewhere. Can't wait to meet her!
xoxo wenderbenderAuthor's Response: Yay! I'm thrilled that you feel you're getting to know Jayde better - I really hoped you would once we got to chapter 5! I totally agree, Jayde definitely keeps things to herself a lot. And I love that you said it's a refreshing way to meet a character!
Hm... maybe she DOES have a little daredevil in there who comes out when she's lost control, who knows? *winks* :-)
Thanks SO MUCH!! Report Review
Overall, great chapter...you depict Jayde's growing awareness of her attraction to Malfoy (and her discomfort with that feeling!) very well. There was only one part that I didn't like--the part where Jayde says that she's been dreaming about Malfoy, and then describes one of the dreams. I think it would be better if you cut out the description of the dream itself (the sentence after she thinks "...now if I could just get the dreams I've been having about him to stop"). The reader can guess what kind of dreams she's having, and sometimes it's better to leave something up to the imagination.
Your description of Jayde's lessons with Snape was also very good, though I found the lists of what kinds of weather different emotions cause a little repetitive...maybe save some of them for later? No need to reveal every weather/emotion right away, you can just say "and many more." If they come up later in the story, you can mention it then. The idea that emotions are linked to weather is fascinating--and gives you a great opportunity to demonstrate how Jayde is feeling without having to say it openly. I have to admit, I was a little disappointed that Snape didn't end up using legilimens to help Jayde with her lessons...for some reason, I had thought that she might have trouble recalling a powerful enough memory to trigger the right emotions, and then Snape might help her. I also would have loved to see some flashbacks to those memories, but since you've already given Jayde such a detailed back story, it probably wasn't necessary.
Alrighty, on to the next chapter!
xoxo wenderbenderAuthor's Response: Yay! Another review! Okay, I totally understand what you're saying about the 'dreaming about him' part. I completely agree that sometimes things are better when left to the imagination. :-)
And I can completely understand the repetitiveness of the list of her emotions as well. I thought that I should list them all out so that the reader would understand which emotion she was feeling at the time instead of having to explain it. But as you said, it would probably have been more effective if I'd simply allowed the weather event to happen and then explained with a simple, "Okay, so apparently it hails when I'm afraid..." or something like that.
Honestly, I never even THOUGHT of having Snape use Legilimens on Jayde to get her to express her emotions. Wow! That's really a fantastic idea! I really think it would have added a lot to this chapter! However, Chapter 18 is all ready written, and *somebody* uses Legilimens on Jayde in that chapter to find out what she's feeling and see some of her flashbacks, I'll let you figure out who when you read it! :-) *winks* So even though that wasn't in this chapter, hopefully Chapter 18 will make up for it!
Thank you SO MUCH dear! Report Review
I felt like Jayde had the perfect opportunity to finally blurt out her news to Draco but I suppose she doesn't want to blurt it out, does she?
I lauged at the 'maimed' part. You really captured Draco quite well in this chapter, he's such a child I swear! Oh the dramatics!
Can't wait for what's to come! Will we get a bit of Narcissa and Luce in the future?Author's Response: No, Jayde couldn't just blurt it out! But I promise she's going to tell him soon!!
Haha, over-dramatic Draco FTW! He sure can be a child sometimes! And yes, we WILL get some Lucius/Narcissa in the future!!
Thank you SO MUCH dear! Report Review
Gah! I was hoping for some Draco/Jayde action again. (= All well, I'm sure it'll happen soon!
Loved the magical 'poof' image of the baby! I always thought that's how someone with magic would be able to see their baby! You made my night with that part!
I'm excited for Jayde to finally tell Draco about their baby. She finally has that spark in her, the determination that she can do it! I'm happy for her but at the same time I feel like she won't have the baby. I've been thinking you're going to have her lose control of her emotions again and she'll probably cause some sort of raging storm that can't be stopped in time that ends up harming her child and herself. And her eyes, for some reason I keep thinking she's going to turn blind or her hair is going to turn white like Storm from X-Men. I really need to stop watching so much tv!
Haha. Excellent chapter though, that was really my point.Author's Response: Oh, trust me... Draco/Jayde action is coming your way! :-) Aww, I'm glad I made your night and showed your view of how someone with magic can see their baby! You made my night, too, with all your lovely reviews! *hugs*
Hm... I don't really want to give anything away, but I don't think there's any way I can respond to your review WITHOUT giving something away. Yes, Jayde will have some more problems as far as losing control and causing more storms, but she IS going to have the baby... sorry if I ruined it for you, but I didn't really know how to answer that. :-/ No, she won't go blind or have her hair turn white, though. I know what you mean about Storm, though! (I love X-men!)
Again, glad you liked the chapter, and thank you for another awesome review! Report Review
I take back what I said in my other review. Jayde is such a teenager, she was acting like one in this chapter anyway. It was really good. I felt like the argument fit well into the story and it wasn't so 'out there' or dramatic. It was just two kids fighting over the fact that they clearly want each other but are to stupid and stubborn to say 'I like you.'
Which is something everyone experiences in high school which in a way is what Hogwarts really is!
I just can't wait until Jayde finally reveals her secret to Draco. I'm sure it's going to be a jaw-dropping reaction!Author's Response: Haha, like I said in my earlier response, Draco seems to bring out the angsty teenager in Jayde for some reason! I LOVE your quote there; "two kids fighting over the fact that they clearly want each other" is EXACTLY what's going on here, and I'm glad that's easy to see! And I'm also really glad that it's a lot like what everyone experiences in high school; I really wanted everyone to be able to relate! Haha! Oh yes, the reaction when Jayde tells Draco is DEFINITELY going to be jaw-dropping! *Smiles evilly* Thank you SO MUCH!!! Report Review
YES! YES! YES! I had a feeling something was finally going to happen with her powers. I figured it was a foreshadowing with Snape saying the possibility of Jayde losing her powers is greater than ever.
I could really feel the pain and the isolation Jayde has been experiencing! Boy oh boy, what a good chapter! I can't wait to find out what happens but I do believe that Hermione/Ginny won't be all that friendly when they find out the true reason Jayde hasn't been friendly with them.Author's Response: Yay! I'm glad you liked the 'Jayde losing control of her powers' scene! And that you thought this was a good chapter! Thank you, I'm glad you found Jayde to be relate-able with the isolation she's been feeling! Hm... for some reason I get this feeling Hermione and Ginny won't find out what's going on for a WHILE... but maybe that's just me... *winks*!
Thank you SO MUCH!! Report Review
I feel like Jayde thinks/acts much older than she is sometimes and even Mrs. McGreggor doesn't treat her as a teenager but more of as an equal or friend.
This crossed my mind as I started to read the chapter but the moment with Draco and Pansy gave me a glimmer of Jayde as a teenager, a real teenager.
What I liked most out of this part might be a bit obvious but it was Jayde passing out and Draco grabbing her. It was a good moment, I could feel a small connection between the two again before Jayde passed out.
Good job!Author's Response: OHMIGOSH, you TOTALLY just made my night with all these reviews! It was a WONDERFUL surprise!! Thank you, THANK YOU!
I completely agree with you, Jayde definitely acts older than she is. I did that so you'd be able to see the difference Draco makes in her; he makes her lose control of her powers and feel/act like a teenager. Haha, I liked the part where Draco grabbed Jayde, too. :-)
Thank you SO much, dear! *hugs* Report Review
Hmmm this is interesting. You've answered my questions about why Jayde doesn't know anything about Voldemort, and it's a very surprising answer! But not at all unreasonable...a lot of schools like to be revisionist about history (I know most Japanese schools banned teaching about the most horrible aspects Japan's involvement in WWII), though banning history entirely is a bit extreme. However, I was a little confused about Harry's reaction...I can tell that this is not canon, but to what extent? Has Voldemort not been defeated yet? You used the present tense when describing him, which makes me think he's still out there...but if that's the case, why are Harry, Ron and Hermione all in the same year as Ginny? That would make Ginny and Ron twins, which is certainly possible...
I apologize if you explained the timeline earlier in the story and I missed it! Again, I have no problem with AU stories, I'm just curious. Got to go now, but I'll be back soon...
xoxo wenderbenderAuthor's Response: I'm REALLY glad you found the reason for Jayde not knowing about Voldemort to be reasonable! And you've got a GREAT point here; I really should have specified somewhere exactly what's going on with the "Voldemort" thing, so here goes. This story is AU after book 5. Although Sirius is dead, Lucius was never imprisoned (because I'll be needing him later), Draco's not a Death Eater, Dumbledore's still alive. So this is Harry, Ron, and Hermione's 7th year at Hogwarts. Voldemort is still very much a threat, but nothing major has happened since Sirius' death.
Basically, I hit the 'pause' button on the war drama after book 5, to allow me time to sneak Jayde into the picture. Once she and Draco have gotten themselves together, I'll hit the play button again... if that makes any sense. It's a bit awkward, I know. :-/ Another thing I should have explained more clearly is that Ron, Harry, Hermione and Ginny are NOT all in the same grade; Ginny's still a year below them.
No, no need to apologize dear! I really do need to go back and explain all this! Thank you SO much for another wonderful review!! Report Review
Great intro to Hogwarts! Your writing has improved so much, and the pacing was perfect. I liked your characterization of Snape, Ron, Hermione, Harry and Ginny...and I'm super intrigued by Draco's reaction. Oh my, was that the stunned face of love at first sight? I also particularly liked your description of Harry--"in a matter-of-fact tone, as though I should already know his name." So realistic!
It did make me realize though how strange it was that Jayde DOESN'T know his name--actually, it's a bit strange that the war against Voldemort hasn't come up at all. Is the idea that Ireland is so separate from England/Scotland that it hasn't really been affected? Or were the students of Dunamase just really sheltered? It's definitely odd, but I'm looking forward to hearing your explanation.
I'm also very much looking forward to reading about Jayde's lessons with Snape...obv. not canon here, but you know what? Sometimes sticking too close to canon is boring. So I'm happy you've deviated a bit from the set storyline. Looking forward to the next chapter!
P.S. One tiny thing--I think most people call the native language of Ireland "Gaelic" rather than Irish...I'm no expert though, so you might wanna ask on the forums to make sure.Author's Response: Yay!!! I'm SO glad to hear that my writing has improved, and that you liked the intro to Hogwarts and the characterizations!! Haha, hm... maybe that WAS the stunned face of love at first sight... *winks*
I saw in your next review that your question in the 2nd paragraph was answered! Glad you liked it! :-)
Yay! I completely agree, sometimes a little "loose canon" is best. As for the 'Gaelic' thing, duly noted! In my research I saw that some places the language was referred to as "Irish" and others called it "Gaelic", so I tried to use a bit of both. :-) Again, you are AMAZING for paying so much attention to detail. Thank you SO MUCH for another absolutely amazing review! Report Review
Wow. I can see what you mean here about moving fast in the first five chapters. However, I actually really liked it. You cut out all the extraneous details, so that the reader stays focused on the main plot: Jayde is a nimbimagus, there's no one to teach her at Dunamase, so she's going to transfer. All completely reasonable. I liked the way you managed the time skips here too, jumping from Jayde's arrival at Dunamase, to her sixth year exams, to the scene where she is antagonized by bullies and discovers she is a nimbimagus, to visiting Diagon Alley. Yes, it's fast-paced, but you get the point across.
Also, it probably felt very fast-paced to Jadye. Time flies when you're having fun, right? So six years at Dunamase flew by with little issue. I like that Jayde muses on what her future "should have been" if she had remained at Dunamase, if she hadn't been a nimbimagus. The "what ifs" of the world plague every one of us, and you articulated the worry and nostalgia that accompanies such thoughts very well.
I have to admit, when I first read about "nimbimagus" in your summary, I was a little skeptical--it seemed like just another cliche power. But I really like how you've developed it at something kin to animagi and metamorphmagi. It would also be interesting to hear someone (a professor maybe?) talk about the history of nimbimagi--I mean, in medieval history it was often believed that witches had the power to change the weather, and it could be a very dangerous power.
Even more than all this, I'm really looking forward to seeing how Jayde will fit in at Hogwarts! On to the next chapter!
xoxowenderbenderAuthor's Response: WHEW! I'm SO glad that you liked the whole 'fast-first-five' thing! Like you said, not much really happened at Dunamase; what was important was getting her to Hogwarts, which is why I sped it along! :-) And I'm really glad to hear (or read) you say that it was reasonable and that I got the point across, despite how fast-paced it is at first.
I'm glad you felt that I expressed the worry and nostalgia that we all feel at those 'should have been' moments. To quote you, "The "what ifs" of the world plague every one of us". I couldn't have said that better!
You know, I didn't even know about the 'cliche power' thing until I started reading some other peoples' stories that had OCs in them. It was after I'd all ready started working on this one that I realized that LOTS of OCs have some special kind of power. (I started writing on the site before I started reading... that's what I get, huh? :-P ) I actually ran into a similar problem (which you'll see a little later on) with another cliche in my story; I didn't know it was cliche until it was all ready written, and I really couldn't see abandoning the story when I was all ready half-way done. :-/ So I took advantage of the situation and entered it into a 'Not All Cliches are Bad Challenge. :-) I hope that, when you get to it, it won't be too much of a turn-off. But I'm glad that you feel the 'Nimbimagus' idea is more developed; I really tried to make it as believable as possible, which is why I made it similar to the other two 'magi'. Hm... in all honesty, I hadn't even considered having a professor talk about the history of Nimbimagi - you've just given me an idea! :-) Thanks!!
Can't wait to hear from you again! Thank you SO much for your VERY helpful reviews, and for doing them so quickly!! :-) Report Review
Very nice. I loved the unusual wand scene you've written. The idea of using Leprechaun hair as a magical core seems so authentically Irish! And the fact that two wands sparked for Jayde was interesting. And I was very surprised when Ms. Campbell suggested that a different wood/core combination might work best, but sold her one of the other wands anyway! Makes me wonder if Jayde will end up having some difficulties with her wand...or will eventually get a better one, and suddenly become more talented. Even if none of that happens, hats off for a very inventive scene!
One quick question--did they go to a separate Dublin branch of Gringotts? Or was it the same as the one in Diagon Alley? If they went to the one in Diagon Alley, why didn't they just stay there to do Jayde's school shopping? Just curious...
On to the next chapter!
xoxo wenderbenderAuthor's Response: Awww, thanks SO much! I'm glad you enjoyed the wand scene. Haha, yeah, I thought Leprechaun hair would give it a nice 'Irish' feel. :-) Glad you thought so, too!
Yes, they went to the 'Dublin' branch of Gringotts! That's why they went to another village (Clonminam) for the shopping!
Thanks for another wonderful review, and for being so attentive to detail! Report Review
Hullo, wenderbender here from the forums with your requested review!
I'm impressed that you've invented an independent Irish school of magic. It's tough to make up your own school--I would be nervous to try, so bravo. As for Jayde's characterization, she seems a little old for her age at times, especially in the first chapter. Her self-examination and understanding of her own emotions, for example, was very mature. I couldn't quite tell if the story is being told from her POV aged ten and eleven, or if it is at some points an older Jayde reflecting back on herself at that age.
I thought the description of Corey's betrayal was very realistic and heart wrenching. I could definitely sympathize with Jayde's pain as you described it, which demonstrates the strength of your writing. Two other favorite scenes were Jayde's little interaction with the owl (adorable! and exactly what an 11 year old would do!), and Mrs. Fitzpatrick's reaction to the announcement that Jayde is a witch (very understandable, especially considering how Catholic most of Ireland is).
Some suggestions...at times, the dialogue seems a bit forced. It might be as simple as varying some of the speaker tags (instead of "she said," "he said," try using mumbled, murmured, squeaked, groaned, yelped, shrieked, or even just add an adverb: regretfully, mistily, sweetly, sardonically, etc.). I'd also love to read some more description of people's facial expressions and body movements...I think that would bring some of the scenes to life. I know that everything is narrated from Jayde's perspective, but she appears to be a very observant child; it wouldn't be inconsistent for her to notice how Mrs. McGreggor's eyes crinkle when she smiles, or how Corey's ears turn red when he lies for example.
The other big issue is that I just don't feel like I know Jayde very well at this point. You've alluded to some big mystery surrounding the change in her eye colour (very intriguing!), and given a pretty good description of her upbringing. But what are her strengths? Her faults? Her character? I'm still a little confused, to be honest. I'm sure this will become clearer over time, but clarifying it a little in these first two chapters would be good. I'm not necessarily suggesting that you add to the description you already have--it might actually be better to subtract some of Jayde's observations about herself, so that the reader concentrates on what's really important.
Overall, it's a strong beginning. You've woven in just enough mystery and drama to hook the reader, and revealed a strong and dynamic OC who could develop in almost anyway you choose. I've got to go, but I'll be back soon to review the next chapters!
xoxo wenderbenderAuthor's Response: Wow, that was fast!!
Thanks for your comment about "Dunamase". Yes, it was kind of difficult to come up with, but I loved the end result. As for the "seeming older than her age" bit, Jayde IS actually telling the story from the future... if that makes any sense. She's 16-17, looking back and commenting on her childhood. (The reader doesn't know that until Chapter 5, though, at which point the POV changes to present-tense.) You're very observant for picking up on that bit, you're actually the first person who's noticed, so thanks for that. :-)
I'm glad you found the "Corey" scene to be realistic, and that you loved the owl scene... that bit was actually added in when I edited. :-) Good call, I think. *winks* I tried to make Ms. Fitzpatrick's reaction realistic and as mother-like as possible, so I'm thrilled that you enjoyed that as well!!
I know exactly what you mean about the dialogue; I have a bad habit of reusing the same words OVER and OVER! *Shakes finger at self* My beta gets on me about that, too! As for the facial expressions and body movements, I'm *hoping* that it improves when you reach chapter 5, but in all honesty, that's something I hadn't even thought about. I'll definitely be thinking about it now, though, so thank you for that!!
In all honesty, the first 5 chapters were actually 9 chapters before I edited. I had a long, drawn out intro to Jayde, but I felt that this didn't give any plot progression; the main point of the story is the Jayde/Draco thing, which you'll see later, and I thought I was taking too long to get there. So the first 9 chapters became the first 5 chapters, and I could hit myself for doing that because I erased a LOT of stuff I wish I hadn't. So, in my opinion, the first 5 chapters are a bit rushed; I really didn't think anyone would want to read about 'Dunamase'... so I sped up and got Jayde to Hogwarts as quickly as possible. :-/ And I feel that that's why it seems to be lacking in description and facial expressions sometimes; I didn't feel that chapters 1-5 were as important. I wanted to just give enough background information to allow the reader to get to know Jayde a little before she went off to Hogwarts, which is probably a contributing factor in your feeling that you don't know Jayde very well.
About her strengths, faults, and character; honestly, I didn't know HOW to explain those things, as it's from Jayde's perspective. I thought it would sound sort of arrogant for Jayde to talk about her good qualities, and that it would sound sort of depressing for her to talk about her bad qualities... basically, I was afraid. I guess that's something I need to get over!! :-) And again, when you reach Chapter 5, more of Jayde's character will start to show through her actions. You're right, though, I should probably go back and clarify!
Aww, thank you SO much for your thoughtful and in-depth review and advice! I look forward to reading your reviews in the future! :-)
I loved the reaction the two had when they found out jayde is preggo. Typical mother reaction. I had a feeling this would happen since there was no mention of protection the night of the party and they were drunk. I didn't realize this was for a challenge by the way! Truly shows not all cliches are bad!Author's Response: I tried to make them as motherly as possible! I know it's a bit cliche, but it was the only plunny I had at the time, so I ran with it. The story was actually started before the challenge, I just kind of added the challenge to what was already written. Aww, I'm glad you didn't think it was bad in all its cliche-ness. I hope it's not so cliche that it makes you not want to read anymore! Thank you SO MUCH for all your lovely reviews!! Report Review
Im so glad jayde rejected Draco. She has to see his slytherin side, his spoiled malfoy side. Loved his reaction "you'll be sorry." I reckon he'll be sorry, eh?
I swear, I'm jealous of your writing skill, everything still flows wonderfully.Author's Response: OH yes; there must be spoiled-Malfoy tension in there somewhere! Hm... I'm not sure who's going to be MORE sorry, Draco or Jayde. *winks*
Awww, that's so sweet! Thank you SO MUCH! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection