Hey I'm here from the forums with your requested review. I'm sorry it's taken so long I've just been wrapping up with school and I'm sure you know how that is :)
Anyways, about this chapter - it was brilliant. I have to say you've caught me off guard this is so good. I love love love your characterization. It's very believable. I hate reading stories where people just murder the trio relationship and there characterizations - but you've done such a great job and let me tell you its a relief!
Anyways. Keep up the great work and I look foward to reading on!
~EnnaBellaPotterAuthor's Response: Thanks, hun! It's definitely taken a lot of rewriting =] Report Review
Hey! Jesi here with your requested review~
I thought this was honestly one of the best stories I have ever read- and it's not even done yet! :D
Your vocabulary is amazing in itself, but it's very apparent that you understand what those large words mean so it's not choppy. Your story has brilliant imagery and your characters are very well developed.
I love the way you began this story- setting the scene and the overall mood of the story. You're consistent throughout the story so far, that's very good. I enjoyed your gradual introduction of Draco and Hermione's relationship, and the description of their relationship before know was perfect.
Your flow, grammar, and spelling are flawless. I look forward to reading the rest of this story!
Jesi Author's Response: aww thank you so much dear. your review is quite generous and sweet. i'm pleased you're going to continue reading! =] Report Review
This is such a great story and I will put it in my faves for when you update.
It is getting really good, I really want to know what will happen next.
Thank you so much for requesting this to me it was a very good read and you are a brilliant writer as i have told you before.
Estelle XOXAuthor's Response: Thank YOU, for reviewing! I'm pleased that you will read as I update =D Report Review
WOW that was amazing, I so feel for Ginny that is so upsetting :-(
What about Draco and Harry Jeez that was something... ;-)
anyway good chapter
I had better get onto the next one
Estelle XOXAuthor's Response: If you feel sorry for Ginny, then my work here is done! Haha. Report Review
Well this chapter was rather... intimate with the whole Draco and Hermione thing.
there was one mistake that i saw
Hermione jumped a few inches off the bench, goblet and all, spilling pumpkin juice all over the table and book. She twisted around displeased. Draco was bleary eyed but smiling from ear to ear at her. She sighed heavily, thankful it was only him.
"Will I always be cleaning up your mess?" she asked, flicking her wand. The juice evaporated, leaving the pages dry.
"Probably," he said, as she stood from the table.
You changed it from Hermione sitting at the table and spilling the juice to Draco, just thought I should point that out unless I have it wrong :-S
anyway onto the next chapter
Estelle XOXAuthor's Response: Oh no, lol. She's still sitting at the table when she jumps up. And he says "probably" whenever she gets from the table.
But it's nice for someone to actually write the mistake they believe they saw. It's frustrating when I reviewer says "I saw a mistake" and doesn't point it out! lol Report Review
Well very interesting... Hermione Lying to her best friends... mhh wonder what will happen there if they will find out?
Yet again good chapter.
Onto the next one
Estelle XOXAuthor's Response: Hah, like most D/Hr, they will probably eventually find out. =] Report Review
Very nice chapter, wonder what will happen next with Hermione and Draco?
as per usual good writing technique.
like the chapter
Estelle XOX Report Review
WOW this would have to be the thrid maybe fourth Draco/Hermione story I have read and I must say this is so totally awesome.
As I say your style of writing is beautiful, I could see no mistkes at all.
The last line on this chapter is beautiful, I love it. Better keep reading
Estelle XOXAuthor's Response: Thank you, dear. I try to make the last sentence a bit powerful and thought provoking. Report Review
Firstly - you do write very well, and this chapter flows nicely. I spotted one or too typos, but they're not major.
I'm glad you didn't make Draco Head Boy as every other D/Hr writer does :) I did, however, think his outburst was a little strange. I also think that whilst Hermione may not have romantic feelings for Ron, I don't think she'd be that exasperated if she had to sit next to him. The trio is very close, after all.
As for Harry being Head Boy - Dumbledore didn't want to make him Prefect because he thought it would be too much, so having him as Head Boy doesn't make too much sense.
You wrote the trio quite well - as I said before, they're difficult characters to write.
Overall - a decent start! Feel free to re-request :)Author's Response: If you can remember the typos, will you PM me? =]
Yes yes I hate Draco as head boy too. You're not the first person to say his outburst was strange. Perhaps I should just take it out and have him walk out of the Great Hall without any sort of words. Also, the way she's acting towards Ron will be unfolded in due time. It has to do with something that happened between then right before or during summer.
No, Dumbledore didn't want to make him a Prefect, not Head Boy. Hence, they weren't even at school in 7th year. You're right to a degree though. However, there's no one in my opinion that is better suited for Head Boy besides Ron. And let's face it, this isn't R/Hr, so I wasn't going to put them in the Head Dormitories together ; ]
Thanks for reviewing!! Report Review
Hi, it's crumble with your review! I'll probably just review the first two chapters.
Firstly, interesting opening. I'm not a huge fan of Draco/Hermione because I think Ron/Hermione was so obvious. However, you've focused on the lust here, which I think is a bit more realistic, but still a little cliche. I'll be interested to see how you explore how they fell in lust/love - I would have thought Hermione's pride and years of dislike of Draco would be much stronger.
I think you characterised Hermione a bit better than Draco - she's a difficult character to do because she's been so well-developed. I don't think Draco would have done such a quick turn-around with Voldemort at his back, threatening to harm his family (also, I'm surprised Death Eaters are allowed to go to Hogwarts...). I also didn't really like how you made Ron so head-over-heels for Hermione - I never thought he was that obvious with his emotions.
I like how you give insight into both characters. Your writing flows nicely, though sometimes I find there's too much detail, especially of the characters (but this is a personal thing - I generally prefer sparser description so the reader can fill the gaps). Personally, I don't particularly like too much physical description of canon characters because we do know what they look like.
As other reviewers have mentioned, I liked Hermione's reaction to the Dark Mark.
Overall, a decent beginning!Author's Response: I think it's a bit hard for a reader to understand that Draco is not really making a turn around from Voldemort. If you continue to read the story, it states he's actually quite conflicited with both sides. It's too hard for a reviewer to read only a couple chapters and understand that. Report Review
Well, I've just finished all of the first 6 chapters.
At this point, I'd say you're doing a nice job :]
You've mostly stuck with the original characters, making the story plausible, so nice job.
You've varied you're word choice, which is always refreshing, so good job on that as well. Though the progession into the plot was a little slow, it worked well. I've enjoyed reading you're story and will most likely continuing reading as you continue posting. ;D
All I can say, is some of the sentences seem a little awkward--maybe you could edit it and consider word choice? You don't want to over-explain in a single sentence, and under-explain in others.
I’d suggest putting a background into how Hermione and Draco got together in the first place, as well. You don’t want to leave many questions behind, for it’ll just take away from the wonderful value of the story!
Oh, and one more thing I noticed. In one of the chapters you mentioned Moaning Myrtle saying something like.. “‘First the slytherin Prince and now the red head”. I think it’d just be more entertaining to say something more like, “first the slytherin Prince, and now the red headed weasel”. Just a thought XD
If you ever have the desire and the time for just a quick edit, it'd just make the story that much better! Nice job on the idea, the characters, and laying it all out for the readers :]
You have done a great job so far of showing that you’re a talented writer.Author's Response: Aww, thank you dear. I should probably put a little edit somewhere to explain what I'm going to do lol. I've told a lot of people that I'm writing their history in chapter 9, so I'm not surprised you wanted that too lol.
I would be delighted if you continued to read. It's always an honor to catch a dedicated reader =D Report Review
Well you asked for a review, so here it is.
I loved this story! It was fantasticly written and very well thought out.
Normally while reviewing a story I keep notes while reading so I can keep track of my comments, but I got so caught up in the finer details of this story, that I forgot to take them after a chapter or so!
But here are a few tips/comments anyway...
- There isn't a background story to how Hermione and Draco started seeing eachother, and why Hermione was staying with Draco over the holidays. As you are not yet finished the story I know that you may be going to write one in, but two people who hated eachother so much, can't turn into lovers at the drop of a hat. And especially the reason that Hermione is able to accept Draco as a Deatheater. You need to have a background story.
- In chapter two (I think) Moaning Myrtle makes a comment along the lines of 'first the slytherin Prince and now the red head' refering to Hermione and Dracos realationship. But there isn't a reason given as to how Moaning Myrtle knows about thier relationship which I think probably should be put in.
- Although Hermione and Draco are mostly secretive about thier relationship, there are several times in which they are publicly displaying thier affections for eachother. For example, in about chapter 3 or 4, they wrestle with each other and end up in 'akward, suggestive postions' in the grounds of Hogwarts. You should probably also mention that no students are to be seen or something along those lines, as it is quite a public place.There is also something like this
- I think that all the vocabulary that you use is fantastic, it makes it seem all the more real.
- There are barley any grammatical, and punctuational mistakees which is fantastic, the story certainly flows much better when there aren't little mistakes in the story like that.
All together I loved this story! It was very well written and I found it easy to get lost in the story. I can't wait to read other chapters!
If you have any questions, just message meAuthor's Response: Wow, what a review lol! Thank you, hun. Yes, I will definitely be revealing how they got together around chapter 9. I know it's hard to read the story and have it all be believable, but once that chapter is read...there will be no question.
Also, Moaning Myrtle will also be revealed around chapter 10. I didn't think she was that significant in the story so I didn't find it necessary to rush that explanation. Also, you must remember in book 6...Draco confides in her a bit ; ]
Your suggestions have been helpful. The story definitely needs a little tweaking. Report Review
You asked for me to review about 'anything at all'. So, I will try to do that.
The story is well plotted out. There are no really questionable things, like 'how the blazes did they end up together?' or 'what on earth is he/she thinking?' The parts about Harry leaving seem a tiny bit rushed to me, but nothing too worrisome.
Draco and Hermione's angst seem realistic. Nothing too maudlin.
Occasionally, Hermione's despair seems a litte overdone. But it isn't sickly-awful-doom-and-death-everywhere-last-people-alive despair, so thus far, you are doing all right. ;)
I will give this story a 7/10. Good job! Report Review
I just started reading this story today. I am absolutely infatuated with it, plus I am huge Dramione fan as well. Your writing style is really good and it all flows and comes together perfectly. You do really well with the character's personality and so on. Please keep up the amazing work, I look forward to an update.Author's Response: Aww, thanks! I'm pleased you like it that much =D Report Review
I love the way you write! This is an amazing story, and I cannot wait for the next chapter.Author's Response: Thank you, dear. It's good to get some readers who continue with my story! Report Review
The intro came in a little to fast for me. I was not expecting that! So Ron's going to leave too, eventual? Interesting.
Snape took the sword and the other side knows he has turned? Smells like trouble to me.
Draco is a bit daft there. How can he let the ring slip out? He's going to be the death of her, I can feel it. Grrr. But how did Narcissa and Bellatrix get into the grounds? Just seemed a little to easy. Oh well..
Nice story so far dear! I can see it coming out nicely.Author's Response: Draco is especially daft here! He just had the ring in his pocket and thought it safe there. And he obviously had no excuse at the ready as to why he was carrying around a diamon ring.
I didn't write how Narcissa and Bellatrix got into the grounds because I wasn't entirely sure how I would word that. Let's just say, Voldemort's spells are becoming entirely too strong and Dumbledore is no longer around to match them. =/ Report Review
Mmh I don't like this chapter.It so sad! Poor, well everybody. I feel for everybody especially Ginny.
Harry is pretty smart, I have to say BUT Draco is being super obvious. I can't believe more people haven't figured them out yet!
&The part that confused me though is the part with the teachers. I don't quite understand. Did they know he was going to leave so they were trying to stop him?Author's Response: Yes it is quite sad =[
More people haven't figured them out because I don't want them to! [yet lol]
The teachers did not know beforehand that he was going to leave. But once they realized that Harry and the others were missing from the group, they went searching for them all. Obviously, they knew right away what he was doing. So yes, they were trying to stop him. Report Review
Hmm.. a mission? Very interesting. I'm thinking that Draco has to kill a mudblood. At first I was thinking Hermione but now I think its no one in particular. Poor Draco. Oh the one thing that stuck out to me was the Great Hall scene. Gahh arn't there teachers and students in there? Oh my they are going to get caught!
Now the umm bathroom scene was, how can I say this? HOT! Lol seemed fitting to be in a secluded place. Seems like things are heating up for this lovely duo lol. I love it!
Now, I still can't believe Harry is leaving by himself! I feel so sad and I also feel for Ginny. She's a strong girl but I think you got her reaction right. This is the love of her life we are talking about here!
Overall very nice =)
I'm eager to see whats nextAuthor's Response: I know, I know. I have to change the Great Hall scene to somewhere else, I just don't know where! =[ Report Review
I enjoyed the chapter a lot. The only thing is arn't they scared that they'll get caught being seen together? Goodness the lake scene had me nervous lol. But the death eater thing was very unexpected and Hermione reacted just like I thought she would.
Now the potions lesson was very funny when Slughorn said "lovebirds" and when he called Draco the wrong name. Very nice touches there.
I can't believe Harry is going to try to go by himself! Its just weird that Ron and Hermione aren't going. Or even poor Ginny.
I'm intrigued to see what happens next.
Lovely Chapter hun!Author's Response: Thank you, dear. Yes, it is a bit weird for Harry to go alone, but I also think it's in his character. Afterall, don't you remember originally that he DID want to go alone and Ron and Hermione refused that? This is just like that, except Ron and Hermione have no power here lol.
I think usually they're quite scared of being seen, but there's probably some underlying feelings of hating the secrecy and wanting to expose themselves. Report Review
*sigh* Draco is pretty depressing.
I understand why but it seems a little much. The part where he yelled out in the Great Hall seems a little weird to me. And also when Hermione cowered didn't seem right. She's losing her Gryffindor edge so to speak.
I was starting to wonder if Harry was going to stay, but you cleared that up. I think it came in a little abruptly though. I also don't think that Hermione would just let him go by himself. But I do like the bathroom scene, it brings back memories.
&I guess Draco has been expressing his feelings about Hermione to a certain someone? Lol.
I'm interested to see what happens next!Author's Response: I can't alter the part where he yells. He's just so worked up about Ron and Harry all the time, PLUS the jealousy on top of that.
And Hermione isn't cowering because she's scared or anything. She's cowering because she knows who it was and who he was talking about. Before, when Draco would say things like that about Ron, she would get angry. Now, that they have some sort of relationship, it just hurts.
Oh, and Harry's not leaving YET. They're just talking about it =] Hope I cleared some of that up! Report Review
Oh gosh, I thought at first he had gone there to give her the ring and I was like 'WHAT?! NO! DRACO, NOOO!' Then I thought he dropped it on purpose and I freaked.
Phew, well now he just needs tp steal it off her before she gets all sentimental one night and decides to try it on. Which happens. A boyfriend I had gave me a promise ring once and since my mother doesn't approve of such things, I wore it on a chain. But at night I would take it off and put it on my finger. Silly me.
Well, let me know when the next chapter is up and I'll def review it!
~OnnaAuthor's Response: Yes, he must take care of that before she gets sentimental lol. And of course, Hermione would ;] Report Review
Aw... that ending was sad.
Well, There isn't much I can comment on in this chapter. It was well written and the plot went smoothly along, not a bump.
The confrontation between the two men was well written as well.
I feel sorry for Ginny, though.
~OnnaAuthor's Response: Yes, see? Most of it is sad. I have a serious problem with that lol. The point is to certainly feel sorry for Ginny, so that's good =] Report Review
Am I sensing some unrequainted feelings of love here? Does Hermione fancy Harry just a little?
Anyways, nice sex scene. Not bril but nice. At least it wasn't crazy animal sex. Humping and groaning and what not... *shudders*
Aw... Draco just needs to tell Hermione everything and hope she'll understand. I mean, it's either that or kill her, right? I think he better choose tell her!
You wordiness has gone down to where it's plesant to read again. Thats much better! All in all, a good chapter.
On to the next one then, shall we?
~ OnnaAuthor's Response: Animal sex hahahaha. I hope no one ever writes those! Report Review
Yay! You know I love my Dramione's. Lol and I know it's hard to write them because its so out of character! But I'm really liking your story so far. I'm not to worried about their intense like for each other because it seems as though they had an interesting summer. Speaking of the summer, I'm very curious to see what happened!
Lovely start hun!Author's Response: Yay, I'm glad you're pleased! A lot of people have hounded me for not explaining the summer =[ But it will be explained in Chapter 9. Report Review
I do like how you made Harry head boy instead of Draco. A cliche I myself am guilty of cultivating. *Smiles sheepishly*
I think that them sitting down by the lake together in the crisp september sunlight on a sunday when everyone is out and about is just a tad bit to obvious, but you're the narrator here and if no body saw them, no body saw them.
Like I said last chapter, SO SUDDEN! Everything is so serious! Take time to settle down and have a nice fluff chapter. It's good for the soul. It keeps you from throwing all your major plot points out in 6 or so chapters then getting writers block because you have nothing left to work with. Personally, this is my method. Intro character one, intro character two, fluff/filler, plot point, filler/understanding the emphasis behind the plot point, fluff, plot point, repeat. Except for the intro parts. But that's just me and in all likelyhood, you didn't understand that insanity above.
~ OnnaAuthor's Response: Haha I understood it a little bit. You're right though about that. I need time for the story to relax a bit. Idk if I could do a whole chapter of fluff, but I could certainly put fluff in an important chapter. Report Review
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