I am so confused.
So. Darn. Confused.
Obviously everyone thinks James did it. And as you can tell from my previous reviews, I also thought that James did it. But now I'm not so sure. Plus, the end of this chapter is probably James vs. Teddy, right? And oh god, the sound of a young boy crying - is that JOHN?
I really don't know what to think now so I guess the only thing to do is go on to find out the answer that's been so elusive the entire time I've been reading this story.
I think I'm prepared.
Oh good golly, of course I'm not. I think my next review will be quite explosive ;)
--jordanAuthor's Response: I cannot wait to reread the next review. I shall wear protective gear in case of explosion. :P Love you and your reviews. Report Review
SO IT'S NOT JAMES?
It must be someone from the outside! OMG BUT THIS MEANS THAT JAMES WILL BE IMPLICATED AS A SUSPECT, WON'T IT? Holy cow, but it seems like James is innocent! WHO COULD IT BE? Some character you haven't introduced yet? :O
Oh my goodness...this story is getting rather scary. .___.
*hides under the covers*
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?
OMG, IS IT TEDDY?! Because you mention the "fame" part...and before he was really hungry to further his career. And he could've stunned and wiped the memory of the old man because HE was talking to the old man/alchemist. And he could've murdered Victoire because HE's the one who found her!
HOLY COW. Melissa, what a story you've cooked up! This is unbelievable! :O
--jordanAuthor's Response: I honestly don't know where this plot came from. I just started writing and this came out. I desperately wish I could still do this, because I have a sequel waiting to be written. Thank you so much for your support. Report Review
WAS IT ROXANNE?!
It certainly seems like it's Roxanne, but it could very well be James as well. Ooh, suspects! I love playing the Whodunnit game. Even though most of the time my guesses are never right. xD
Aw, poor Victoire. As annoying as she is, I can actually see from her POV. You've stressed so much that Teddy is a good guy, but since it's coming from James I'm not so sure how reliable of an opinion that is.
OK, I've decided. I still think the murderer is James.I think.
OH GOD THIS IS CONFUSING D:
Keep in mind that despite the mental stress the plot is giving me, I STILL LOVE THIS STORY. It's absolutely epic. YOU are epic for writing this story, Melissa! I don't think I've had this much fun with a fanfic story before! Ever! :D
--jordanAuthor's Response: He. :) Thank you thank you thank youuu. You are the rock to my roll and the roll to my thanksgiving dinner. Report Review
WHOA. I'm not entirely sure what to think right now! On one hand, all evidence pointed to James as the murderer in the first chapter. But then you had to present all the facts alongside James's actions during the murder investigation, so it's muddled my mind a bit! -_-
Another thing - James and Teddy both seem to have somewhat bad intentions...James being the murder, and Teddy being a career.what do you call it? Hunger? Greedy? I'm not entirely sure what it is, but it's a little unnerving xD I'm so used to the main characters being all nice and kindhearted so this is a HUGE change for me ^___^
AND ZOMG ABOUT MR. TURPIN! Did James stun him from far away? Or was it someone else?! *head spins*
Okay, I'm off to the next chapter. Hopefully some answers will be waiting for me there... >:D
--jordanAuthor's Response: lololol. Reading people's predictions never gets old. :) Thank you so much. Report Review
Melissa!!! < 3
So I finally got around to reviewing this awesome-tastical story. :D And zomg, I can't believe you made James a "bad guy." I HAVE, TOO! Lol in my story he's not a murderer, but he's a bully. Woo, something in common. :)
Anyways, wow, this chapter was so intense and really electrifying! I can't believe I've never read any of your stuff before - thank goodness for TGS! XD The plot is unbelievable, and from what Gina and Liza have told me, the end's twist is amazing as well. You keep the story moving and your ability to keep the reader's interest is great! I really can't wait to review the next chapter 8D
THIS STORY IS SO AWESOME.
p.s. so I have this tendency to leave caps reviews for authors that I like...as I'm sure Gina can tell you. I'm sorry if this review scared you in any way xDAuthor's Response: Jordan!!
I miss you. And I feel so badly for not responding to this review soonere. But know, that I do really appreciate it. :) Report Review
I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT, BUT OH MY GOD, STILL. TEDDY YOU CRAZY LUNATIC. I mean, I saw the genuine crazy in his eyes. He killed Roxy! He... I mean that's how I know he snapped. I knew Roxy would be the one to find out, but you killed her! I was so afraid for everyone -- I wasn't sure if Teddy would make it out successfully! I mean, here you are killing Potter-Weasleys left and right, I couldn't be sure. I just love that you set it in the treehouse. It's got that creepy childhood thing to it.
I can't believe you ended with James like that! Augh! The hero! Thinking about murder 'til the end. I just... HOMG JAMES. [i]JAMES[/i]. The family! The... I need to know what happens! You write that sequel!Author's Response: SEQUEL... HAS MOSTLY BEEN RE-INSPIRED BECAUSE OF THIS BACKLOG OF TWO YEAR OLD REVIEWS I'M FINALLY ANSWERING. It really is motivating reading reviews and reactions and gahh. Thank you again, I sound like a broken record, but I really mean it. :) Report Review
NO ITS NOT JAMES, HARRY. DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S STILL A PLOT TWIST TO COME?? HAVEN'T YOU WATCHED MUGGLE TV AT ALL? JAMES KNOWS AND THAT'S WHY HE RAN. AND OH MY GOD SPEECHLESS. The emotion! I can feel it, and yet there's this thin film of professionalism everyone tries to keep intact when the world is spiraling out of control around them as they can't trust anyone and I AM RAMBLING AND I WANT TO GET TO THE NEXT CHAPTER!Author's Response: LOLOLOLOL. I love you and your rambling reviews. thank you so, so much. :) Report Review
I have a guess as to what's going to happen. I'll keep it to myself. BUT OH MY GOD, JAMES, EVERYONE'S GOING TO THINK YOU'RE GUILTY, STOP GETTING INTO THESE SITUATIONS. But I care about every one of these characters as flawed as they all are and I just don't want anything bad to happen to any of them BUT I KNOW SOMETHING WILL and Merlin woman! This fic is bad for my blood pressure.Author's Response: Hypertension ahoy! I promise I'll post a warning about it in the sequel. :) James does have a knack for putting himself into terrible situations. Poor guy. Report Review
O_O WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE? OH MY GOD WHAT.
I thought Roxy/Teddy was cute, but I also see how it's also the kind of thing that could never possibly last. Especially now. John's left and now Teddy has to take care of him and I could see him carrying guilt/anger every time he sees him in a sort of way. I wouldn't know how Roxy would react. I like Roxy though. Teddy is like my smoldering anti-hero. James is... well I haven't figured him out yet.
BUT OH MY GOD. YOU WENT THERE. I APPLAUD YOU SO MUCH.Author's Response: He. I loved writing this chapter because it was unexpected. I mean, chapter three and main character dead? I really need to get back into the swing of writing the sequel. Answering these reviews makes me miss it. Report Review
James you sound so guilty. But if my knowledge of tv shows is correct, it's too easy... A TWIST AWAITS! But what, I wonder. I can see your procedural shows influences heheh. Or that just might be my imagination filling in rain slicked pavement, streetlamps flickering off as dawn nears... okay maybe my imagination. But I totally got that mood :DAuthor's Response: Plot twists ahoy!
Thank you so much for the review. :) Report Review
I shall repeat: SCANDALOUS FILM NOIR. I AM HOOKED. Bloody-likely-murderer James. Teddy shower scene. Love triangles. I see everything in black and white and fog and YOU HAVE SUCH ATMOSPHERE and I am spazzing like a girl who hasn't seen a classic movie in way too long. ONWARD.Author's Response: It's been abysmally long since you left me this review, so I'll make my response short: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING, your support, this review, making the ATWB banner (which is being rewritten at the moment). You're fabulous. Report Review
Wow. That is the only thing running through my head right now. I really thought it was James there for a second.
I loved the way you made each character. Teddy and Victoire was so bittersweet, it was so good!
James was by far my favourite of the whole thing. He was so loyal and loving and it was awful at the end with Teddy.
Roxanne was exactly as I expected and more. I loved the dynamic between her and Teddy as the beginning. I never pictured them together if I'm honest.
I think you should write a follow-up. I'll be sad if you don't!
~IzzyAuthor's Response: thank you so much for the review!! your support means so much. Report Review
;LADGHAIEURFZKSDLKJ (BECAUSE O-M-G JUST CAN'T COVER WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW)
I KNEW IT WAS TEDDY! But it was so obviously him that I decided to abandon that idea in chapter 3 (I think). And then it turned out to be him! Poor James and Roxanne and Vic. I'm curious, though, what brought about this dark!Ted? Why so sinister? What brought him to commit those murders? I know he was mysterious/troubled to begin with, but I just got to thinking about why he sought to be infamous.
But anyway, my goodness, Melissa, this was such a treat to read! And I read it in one sitting because I simply couldn't help myself. Gosh. I'm still in shock from the whole thing. I can't even begin to comprehend how you came up with such a brilliant story. Awesome, awesome job, dude. Seriously. I'm in awe. CONGRATULATIONS!
-STILL RECOVERING-Author's Response: asdlfjaoewiaeihjaieh.
^^That means I love you for all of your amazing reviews. :P I'm so grateful for each and everyone of them that it is difficult to put into words.
It's taking every bit of self-control I have to leave a review before moving on because HOLY SMOKES THIS IS INTENSE AND I WANT TO FIND OUT WHO THE SUSPECT IS REALLY BADLY.
I'm rubbish at solving mysteries so I've no definite guess who it is. But seriously, dude, this was a wicked chapter and I must read the next one or I might die of, I dunno, extreme suspense?
You're amazing.Author's Response: Thanks Gill! Report Review
I've nothing to say except OMG THIS IS RIDICULOUS AND I CANNOT STOP READING. Now I don't know what to think anymore. Must. Read. On.
AWESOME STORY, MY DEAR.
-flies to the next chapter-Author's Response: Awesome Review, My dear! Report Review
This was CHILLING. Seriously. This part especially --> '...but a little spontaneity never hurt anyone.' WHOA.
And holy smokes, Ted/Roxanne! Gosh, your Teddy is such a complex character and to be honest, I think I like him better with Roxanne, I don't know why. XD But still, Victoire's murder really caught me off guard! James is ♥. I wanna squish him right now.
I CANNOT STOP READING THIS. I MUST MOVE ON.
Brilliant job!Author's Response: I loved my Teddy and Roxanne. Looking back, it's a shcame that they are both dead. :P
thanks gill! Report Review
Okay, I have my suspicions, but I have a strong feeling I'm wrong. :P ANYHOW, great chapter, love. I thought the characters really came to life, and the mystery HAS thickened. Teddy, especially, was a revelation. Very different, and I honestly don't know what to make of him. I can't wait to read on so forgive me for the brevity of this review.
GREAT JOB, MEL!Author's Response: Gill,
The fact that it's has taken me so long to reply to this is inexcusable. I'm so pleased that you enjoyed this chapter!
Melissa Report Review
Melissa! I finally got around to reading this. I've been hearing so much about it, and it most certainly did NOT disappoint. I will admit that I don't normally read suspense fics, but I know I should, and I thought this was a great place to start.
Your characters are love! James is wonderful so far and I can't wait to read more of him. Teddy is very mysterious. I've never been a big fan of his character (hides from Teddy fangirls) but I thought this was such an interesting take on him. Definitely very different from the other Teddys that I've come across. And Roxanne is lovely! I seriously cannot wait to read on so I shall leave you with this: ABSOLUTELY AWESOME START.
♥Author's Response: Again, sorry it's taken me so long to answer this. I decided that I need to catch up on my unanswered reviews for the new year. I'm so happy that my characters are all well recieved.
-Melissa Report Review
Hello, Melissa. I'm here to fill your review request. Just so you know, I did read the entire story (BIG congrats on having a COMPLETED fic posted). And as promised, I will be providing mostly critique here, just in case anything comes off too harshly.
First I have to say I'm rather surprised by the fact that you don't read murder mysteries. I thought one of the strongest elements of your story was its good use of the genre. There was a large cast of characters/suspect pool, misdirection, overlapping between the characters' lives...all good hallmarks of a good whodunit. It was a bit like a literary version of Law and Order with all the hardened, coffee-drinking detectives fighting the ongoing battle to balance family and the job.
While I really liked the tone, plot and cast of this story, the piece felt a bit unpolished to me, like a really good first draft. Some of it's little stuff, more grammatical than content. For example, you use a lot of semicolons. They are sort of distracting and make your sentences too long. You might be better spicing it up with a few dashes, or else just breaking the sentences up. In some paragraphs there were actually multiple compound sentences and it messes with the flow. Also, there is a fair bit of word repetition. Take the opening paragraph. I know you need to use the word "figure" as to not give away gender but the first sentence has two "twos". The next has two "theirs." Both and both, one and one, ect. Obviously some words just come up a lot but be mindful of it and see if you can't eliminate some repetitions. I think tightening up your sentences would go a long way in giving this story a really finished feeling.
Another thing that felt a bit "drafty" was the brevity of some of the scenes and character introductions. Consider Harry's entrance in chapter two. He's a new character to the piece and you as the author don't really give the reader any information about him. Yes, it's Harry so we "know" him but we don't know him at this stage in his life, in your universe. How has he aged? Does he walk with a limp? Is there anything you can add to bring him to life? Same for the intro of Ron in chapter four, and the sudden introduction of Fred's PoV in chapter five. Even secondary characters need to be multi-dimensional, especially with Harry, the only one left "standing" in the end, or anyone who "narrates" even a small section of your story.
I know this is meant to be a short story, and I actually think you did really well in developing an entire murder plot/investigation in so few chapters. I think the story would benefit though if it were just slightly slower paced. Some scenes were literally only a few paragraphs long. Chapter three for me was the best-paced, particularly the first scene. And while I think it would have been really cool to actually do each of the murders as their own short chapters I get that's hard with the 500 word minimum. The change in tense worked nicely to differentiate it from the flow of the rest of the story.
Overall, I like what you've created here. I like that it's a genre we don't see around here a lot, and I think you write it quite well. I like that it takes a very different perspective on these next-gen characters, and I LOVE that it's actually completed (can you tell yet how jealous I am of your ability to finish a story??). My general suggestion would be to slow down a bit next time. You're pretty golden on the issues of plot and dialogue, just tighten up your sentences and draw out your description/narration a bit more.
Thanks for sharing your story with me and posting in my request thread. Happy writing with whatever you're working on next.Author's Response: Thank you for your review. Report Review
I like this chapter, though I'm not sure I like Teddy's attitude. That's not to say I don't agree with him on some level that their case being huge would get them the recognition they both want. I'm just not sure I like that he's so dark.
The plot definitely thickens here and I love that Harry pops in to tell the boys to go home and get some rest. They really do need it.
I feel sorry for Roxanne, it's like she's being setup as the fall guy/girl, and it royally sucks for her. I'd really like to see more of her in this.
Anyway, sorry this review is rubbish, head hurts. But I really did enjoy this chapter. Feel free to request again on my review thread and I'll read more :DAuthor's Response: Sorry it took me so long to respond to this! It's inexcusable. I really appreciated this, and the support was really helpful.
-Melissa Report Review
Sorry it's taken so long for me to get to this. I said it would but I still feel bad. This review might not be the greatest (I don't feel well today), but its a review nonetheless.
It's rather refreshing to see Teddy and Victoire don't have the absolutely perfect relationship a lot of people go with. Also, I really like that Vic can't seem to accept the fact that her husband is an Auror and has these ungodly hours to work. It rings true to all police officials I think.
James is amazing! I love that he sticks to tradition somewhat with his pocket watch. Also really love that he and Kara don't have a perfect relationship either, though he clearly does care for her.
I would have loved to see more from Roxanne's point of view. That section of this chapter seems really short and I kinda feel like there could have been more to it.
Otherwise I really enjoyed the chapter and I'll be on to the next shortly.Author's Response: Thanks Len! Report Review
Oh my goodness.
I knew it would be dark Teddy, but this is VERY dark! Before I get into my squee, I do have to admit (don't kill me, ILY and have to be honest) I'm not wholly convinced by dark!ted. I just didn't feel like he had the motivation for up and bumping off people, or that we saw enough evidence for Roxy or James to trace him. I think perhaps because it is so short you didn't get to develop that, but then, if it was longer, you'd have lost the tension which works so wonderfully, so I really am just going to stop attempting to be helpful and just rave.
This entire premise - SO inspired. Not enough dark!next gen fics, and you really dealt with the realities of the wizarding world, and adult relationships + strains beautifully. I enjoyed every single line of this, it was impossible for me to stop, and I was analyzing my way through the whole thing, and I loved, loved your titles so much! Also the ending was absolutely perfect!
You've really been on a roll, and this story deserves the feature I'm quite sure it is going to win this month!
♥Author's Response: Jo.
I'm so sorry that it took me this long to respond to this review. I understand completely what you mean though. I had to sacrifice character development for the pace that really defines this piece. I'm so grateful for all the support I've recieved for this.
Thank you so very much.
Melissa Report Review
WHAT DOES HARRY THINK? I honestly think having an idea of sorts about the ending is only making reading this MORE fun. Was lovely to see the contrast between Teddy and James. So sorry for microscopic reviews but rather tired/eager to read on. Deepest apologies again for taking forever and a day to get here, I wish I'd been able to read this earlier!
♥Author's Response: Thank you so much Jo! Report Review
You can attribute some of the read count on this chapter for this being the tenth time at least I've opened this and then been called away by something, but at last I've got to read something and I am EXCITED! Insider info does have me tingling, but it was a captivating introduction to each character and this has to be one of Rita's finest works on the banner!
One quick thing - Teddy's 'waste' instead of waist, but only typo I found. Onward!Author's Response: Again, thank you Jo. Your support means the world to me. Report Review
I'm sad that Roxanne died!
This was a good story, I never thought Teddy would do it.
Sad ending, but a good ending.Author's Response: Thank you for this review! Report Review
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