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Review:kenpo says:
Hey! Here for review number two!

This beginning is well-written. I like the flow between the two guys. Can't help but love a good bromance! James losing his broom is great for characterization! The notes about Mason's cooking were a little confusing, but I still liked them.

The interaction between James and Albus was childish in a good way. Older brother can't help but picking on his younger brother.

Hmm, I like Ginny and Harry. They embarrass their son because what else would they do?

Whhhatattt? She's a reporter. Oo, is she gonna get James in trouble? Was the entire thing orchestrated by her? Whaats going on?

Oo. That's harsh. James is gonna have some words with her, isn't he?!

I don't think I like Pippa very much...


You asked if I think this will draw the reader in. I can't speak for everyone, but it drew me in! I think this is a really cool start and I'm curious to see where things are headed. I really really enjoyed this. The characters seem like they're headed in some cool directions and you've got some fun relationships established (such as between James and Mason). This was really really fun to read.

You said I can nitpick... here goes.

"Come on, Mason. Its not like I lost it... Its probably here somewhere..."
It's is "it is". Its is possessive. Also, if you use an ellipsis you need four dots. Three for the ellipsis and one to end the sentence.

There are a few times that you use a comma where a period is needed or visa versa, such as here:
when I went to visit Al." James said thoughtfully.
crashed that wedding." James replied
youíre kidding." Harry said,

Those should be commas. If you have trouble with dialogue, I recommend reading through the Grammar Guidelines on the forums. (Oh man. The chapter I asked you to beta for me is probably covered in awful dialogue.)

Yeah, the accent you develop when your young,
You're.

Other than that, I didn't really see anything to nitpick... really cool idea for a story, I'm interested to see where it goes!!

Author's Response: Hello!

Thank u so much! I'll go edit that later! :D I love James and Al's interaction!

Aw, dont hate too much :) Pippa's a very multisided character!

Eep ! Thats good! :D I'm glad it drew u in! Yayayayayayay!I love Mason! *love stricken sigh*

Gah! Thank u thank u thank u! Makes my editing way easier! And my grammar is terrible!! So, it helps A LOT!

Haha, thank u! I got the idea in a dream! :D Yes, as cliche as it is, yes, I got it in a dream! :D

Thanks for another amazingly lovely review! :D


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