Hey! I'm pretty darn proud of myself for getting to this tonight. :) I feel a lot better than I did last night, so I wanted to get this done while it lasted. :P
The first thing I noticed was the second-to-last sentence in the first paragraph. It just kind of... ends. Without an ending. It says " yes, this was the place that Sirius had chosen for their." this was the place that Sirius had chosen for their... what? Date? Wedding? Safari? I don't know, the sentence didn't say. :P
I won't lie, I read so much next gen (in fact, that's almost all I read) that when it said "Lily convinced her that Sirius was, in fact the perfect guy for her" I thought you meant Lily the second and I was confused. And then I remembered. :P
Speaking of that sentence, the comma is in the wrong place. It should read "Lily convinced her that Sirius was, in face, the perfect guy for her."
There are a couple other places with missing or misplaced commas. If you would like to, you can message me on the forums and I'll go over this and proof-read it. :)
Oh, man, that started out so cute and happy and fluffy and I was so happy but I just knew something bad was going to happen. And I just knew it was going to be Marlene's parents and sister. Oh man, that was rough lol.
I think you did a pretty good job, especially with this being your first dark story. This was a pretty serious story, so, as a reader, I didn't get to see much of the Marauder's fun loving personalities. That being said, I think you characterized them rather well, considering the circumstances. It was kind of weird that Pettigrew didn't say anything other than to ask where Sirius was. But I can't really say I mind too much, because I absolutely abhor him, sooo. :P
You mentioned that you were concerned with the flow. You did a pretty good job of that, even with the story jumping around to follow both Sirius and Marlene at the same time. I think it was pretty impressive, honestly.
I hope you place in the challenge! That'd be pretty cool. :)
Thanks for requesting, and I hope you don't mind reading a review that's approximately the same length as your story. :P
Author's Response: Haha, congrats! Sorry it took me so long to respond! RL has been crazy lately!
Yeah- that must have been just a weird typo. I'll definitely change it once the queue reopens :) and the commas...I use them quite a lot, so I'll go back and recheck those. Thank so much for the offer, but I have a friend who's offered. Sorry!
Thanks so much! Yeah, peter's meant to be guilty and kind if ashamed of being a traitor. But, I'll go back and edit that too :)
Thanks so much! That would make my year! Nah, I love long reviews! Thanks again!