Hey! I'm back!
I'm terrible with time and all things related to time. Basically it's a miracle that I can survive in this world on my own :p So yeah, I hope you don't hate me for the monumental delay between reviews! (^.^)
These two chapters had some interesting relationship development!
Maybe I'm reading to much into it, but the way Snape thinks about Dorcas seems to be a mixture between belittleing her and being aware of his own inability to comprehend her. Here are some examples that struck me:
"He paused, considering, "You're too pretty to die.”
That was probably the stupidest thing he’d ever said and for some reason, he found it ridiculously funny. “Don't die." Severus rolled on the ground, giggling at himself. "
And:"She’d gotten damned good at wrapping those bandages too." I like this attitude because, although not very respectful, it IS realistic and I find that it captures the sexual tension very well! As I mentioned in my earlier review, you seem to have a great grip on Snape's character and I really enjoy reading him this way. That said, I did find it a bit strange for him to lament the destruction of his flat quite THAT much. Didn't he think that he had been sabotaged? Also, shouldn't he worry more abot the potion? Or about his wounds? Or attracting attention to himself and his activities? Oooor, well, the well-being of the others in that building maybe? Just about anything would seem more important than the actual flat. From what I got, he spent more time in the potions store than at home anyways. This is similar to my comments about the conversation at the bar with Dorcas: somehow the stakes veared into the territory of Normal People Problems when the situation was much more complex.
As to Dorcas, well, I'm still not convinced, but you said you learn as you go, so I'll just wait a few more chapters before looking into her characterization in more depth. I do have some advice though, so hear me out XD
At some point, you have her perceive Snape as a wild wounded animal. I liked the comparison, but I couldn't recall any situation that would point towards Dorcas seeing him this way. They have several strange moments where you could add a few details that would re-enforce and build up this image - for example when he attacks her in the kitchen or in earlier chapters, maybe even from their very first meeting. If you throw in a few adjectives that paint Snape's appearance or behaviour as animalistic and wild, then a lot would become clear about Dorcas' relationship to him. Her mistrust and confusion about his motives as well as her desire to help him, not only on a professional level, would just make more sense. So far, we had Dorcas open up about her ex, allow Snape to mark her, show up whenever he needs her, invite him to her home and, well, just be passive and accomodating all around. These situations could easily appear more conflicting and dangerous if described in a different way. So far, every time they are together I imagine them speaking in hushed voices, sitting really close together and spilling their secrets haha. Basically, very intimate but not dangerous.
Let's see, now to our Death Eater goons. Although goons are not my favourite type of villian, I respect your choice to portray them this way. I liked the little moment of bonding they experiences towards the end of this chapter. This, for example "Severus almost cracked a smile, and for a split second, he thought that Avery might have returned it before looking away and knocking back his drink." I liked the implication that, although they are sick of eachother, the guys can't help but experience a certain level of undestanding and sympathy after such a long time of working side by side. I wish you would focus more on that and less on Avery bashing :P Maybe use the Death Eaters less for comedic relief and show them working as a team? After all, I bet they lash out at eachother not because they like to, but because of the pressure they are under and the constant struggle for power that defines their group dynamic.
Oh, and while I'm still on about that scene, where was the magic?? give me magic!!! XD sorry, but you spoiled me in the previous chapters with the potions and the tracking spell! And now we have Death Eaters throwing darts and drawing with chalk... I alwys imagined Death Eaters would use magic all the time, for everything. Just to not be like Muggles, you know?
Oh, btw, I liked Netterheim! Die Heimlichkeit der Welt was a great touch, although I wonder what use a Muggle work would have for a wizard? Argh, who cares, it was fun! You mentioning the Übermensch in his pov was also a nice detail. Let me guess, Netterheim is German :P Going by the "Danke vielmals" bit in your A/N, I deduce that you are too?
Well, I hope I could be helpful! I'll try to leave less of a wait between this review and the next :P Tschüs!
Author's Response: Hi again! *is very excited*
First off, I apologize for the late review response. Things have been piling up in RL and I had to run off and be "responsible" for a few weeks. :)
But that's all behind me for now, so I can devote my attention to this great review. I really love how you get into everything about this story and point at things so I can see exactly what you're talking about. I wish I could take a screenwriting class, just to see how things are crafted to come together like they do.
I really like the idea of building Severus up in Dorcas' mind as a wounded animal. I spent an awful lot of time trying to understand Severus' character for this story, and I suppose that if I had spent the same effort on Dorcas, she would have seemed more "together". I guess I concentrated too much on her impulsiveness and not as much on the reasons why she would be so impulsive. I'm learning. :)
You are absolutely right about the Death Eater goons and the reasons why they lash out at each other. I was going for the "we're people too" scenario, with that scene in their flat. I suppose you do have a point that Death Eaters would use magic for everything. I thought it would be funny for them not to. Actually, now I have a crazy notion that if I were to rewrite that scene, they could be so drunk that they'd think it was funny to act like "stupid" Muggles and then sometime in the middle of it, they'd give up and use magic, or pass out, or... okay. I am NOT rewriting this story... haha!
Netterheim was my favorite OC to write. I have a bit of German heritage to pull from, and I definitely used some of my relatives as a basis for him.
Again, this was way more than helpful! Thanks so much for another informative and detailed review!