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Review:potterfan310 says:
Hey,
I came across this story via the random story button. First of all I love next-gen stories and second of all I completly adore James II/OC stories.

I really like the girls and their personalities and from what I've read so far I think it's really good and has great potential which is why I want to give you some CC -

-Your characters are great and it seems likes you've got them all mapped out and what's going to happen to them/what they like etc... Even though I've done it in the past, sometimes all the information that your giving us is a bit much. Although your descriptions of the girls makes me picture them in my mind, you could always break it up by showing us the girls rather than telling us what they like doing - for instance you could say that Mercy was playing the piano or that Faith was dancing around the place. Another thing that might help is the OC workshop, it's a topic on the forums and it can really help as you get feedback off others. You don't have to post there but the form is really helpful.

- The layout, it's a hard to know who's saying/doing what as it's all bunched up in the same paragraph. For example - "I went back to yelling. "Etty!" Merce yelled back, "She's playin' guitar across the street at Donaugh's. She got up real early." "How early?"I was confused as to who 'Mumia' is? Is that another word for mother/mom/mum or is that their Mother's name??

-The third person bit at the very begining of chapter one, this could have easily been first person and might have sounded better if it was but that's just me.

Your spelling and grammar is fine but if you need a beta or want to ask me anything about the things I said above you can find me on the forums (potterfan310)

I hope this was helpful as this story really does have potential :D

-Potterfan310
Soph

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!

-The layout of the paragraphs is a bit hard to understand; I'm working on it. You'll see more of them in the coming chapters

-"Mumia" is like the Polish "mommy."

Thanks for reading this. I'm actually putting up on hiatus until I can find time to write it.


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