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Review:Elphaba and Boyfriends says:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

First of all, I really like the creepy, disturbing feel of this story. I found it very unsettling, which is a compliment for a work of horror.

"She is safe with me. Safe in me." -- This made me think of possession, and possibly legilimency.

I wondered who/what the narrator was right up until the end. For a while I thought of the Basilisk. I also thought of Moaning Myrtle while I was reading the story, because of the bath setting.

"Its girlsh pink of before has matured into a deep bourbon red." -- This imagery made it very clear that the girl was bleeding in the bath, I thought it very effective.

"I hear the rings of her shackles rattle and clank outside my door." -- I wasn't sure whether this was meant to be metaphorical or literal, or perhaps both?

"My faithful servant, he leads her to me..." -- this made me think of the imperius curse.

"Their curses will have no power over me. Their words will not coerce my thoughts." -- I see the wizarding connection here, but to make it stronger, you could mention the wands they carry. Perhaps she could scoff at the frailty of their wands, or the fact that they need them to attempt their curses?

I had never heard of Bathory, and had to google her. :) Re-reading the story afterward helped me to gain a better understanding. Maybe you could mention her in your note?

Finally, while I like this piece overall, I think it would be stronger if it ended on a creepier note. For instance, if you reordered the last couple of paragraphs, you could have it end with: "We will watch them perish." I think that might induce the chill that spooky stories aspire to. :)

Author's Response: Hey!

I'm terribly sorry for taking for ever to answer your review! It was quite helpful and gave me ideas that I plan to incorporate.

I liked that you looked for connections to the wizarding world in the text! I will try to make them seem stronger when I edit because, well, you were right to point out, this story is only marginally in the HP universe:P

I am thrilled that you found my word choice and descriptions successful in setting a creety atmosphere :) As to the ending, I wasn't going to leave it that way but for some reason I felt like the text came to a natural end there. I do see what you mean about it not living up to the general foreboding of the rest of the story. I will think about what I can do to change it!

Oh and, haha, I updated the story with a short note about who Bathory is, sorry about that XD

Thank you for a helpful review :) Cheers!



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