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Review:UnluckyStar57 says:
Hi! I'm here from the forums with your review. Sorry it's a bit late... I've been kind of busy this week.

Okay, so I have to say that for this being your first story on HPFF, it's really well-written! I personally have never tried the Every Word Counts challenge, so I can admire you for even attempting this... 500 words can say a lot, but only if they can work together to convey what needs to be said. I think you've done that very well here, but there are a few things that I would like to mention.

With your first line, I couldn't really tell if it was "she" speaking, or if it was someone else. It turned out to be someone else, but I think you could probably add a "he said" after the dialogue so that it's a bit more clear.

Thirst is spoken of as being "quenched." "Clenched" is for jaws and knuckles when under extreme stress or annoyance. That's an easy one to mix up because hey sound so similar. :)

That's all the criticism I have. It was a sad, but excellent read. I hope to see more of you on the archives in the future!! :)

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Thanks for this. The things you picked up I noticed from a prior review and am in the process of changing but thanks for pointing it out. I guess when you read something over and over, you tend to overlook mistakes like that.

I hope I'll have time to write longer stories in the future :D

thank you,

peanuts11


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