|Review:||teh tarik says:|
Helloo...I'm back with your requested review :D
This is one hugely entertaining chapter! From Edie's sardonic inner monologue and her very witty observations of her environment to the topic of feminism among goblins...this is such an utterly creative way to introduce feminism into a fanfic :D I absolutely love it! And it is quite a lovely surprise to find that Edie is a feminist; it adds so much more depth to her character. There's also that rather amusing idea of the complete anti-feminist Mr. Ward heading the publication of a magazine targeted specifically for witches and who also continues to pledge his support to established institutions of patriarchy (bahaha, this sounds so ridiculously formal).
That was a very comic twist toward the end...
"Edith," he said. This time I don't even mind the use of my full name. He pauses. Slight dramatic exhale. "We need you."
"I will be there!" I gush, emphatically poking the surface of his desk.
But I do this just as he is saying, "To man the refreshments table."
There is such a wonderful anticlimax here, a great build-up which then subverts reader expectations (and Edie's as well), and serves to confirm, more than ever, that Mr. Ward is an insensitive, rather-sexist oaf.
As Edie is a self-proclaimed feminist, I would love to read more about her positive interactions with other women; so far, in this chapter, she's had conversations with Mildred and Rose - and both moments are rather unpleasant with some character tension. This is just a recommendation and my opinion; you need not take this up.
I think you could embed your flashbacks / side-stories a little more smoothly into the main narrative. For example, the segment about Mildred beginning with these sentences:
Mildredís been exploiting my headache because she knows that I partied like last night was 1999. This is due to an unfortunate chance encounter we had in the breakroom.
With my back to the door I didnít see Shelob, as Dean and I call her, drop down from her web. Itís like if she dared to slouch even the slightest her whole world would be turned inside out. I was in the midst of pouring a pain-relieving potion into my coffee from a flask.
Before this segment Edie was rambling about things at her job and spell-checking and so on. The transition from all that to the above paragraph was a little sudden, and is a little forced. Also, the character of Mildred was introduced a little earlier in the chapter, and doubling back and bringing her up again sort of disrupts the pacing of the story a little. I would recommend that you move this paragraph (along with the whole coffee incident) up a little to where Mildred is introduced.
Maybe somewhere after this section?
As she passed by in her stuffy sweater and tweed skirt, Mildred has dropped another enormous stack of parchments on my desk. It lands on the Oracle Underground with a loud bang that rattles my poor brain.
I squeeze my head as if trying to choke out the hangover. "Thank you Mildred," I call bitingly.
It would be just perfect (at least in my opinion) if Edie proceeded to go on a rant about Mildred (especially the bit about Shelob and all...) here rather than later on.
Also, another thing to watch out for would be sentences like this:
Female goblins are not nearly as ugly as the males, I notice somewhat cruelly.
I feel it would be a lot better if you cut that second part of the sentence out; that way, the switches between internal monologue and surface action will be a lot smoother. Also, Edie is already "noticing cruelly", with her sentence "females goblins are not nearly as ugly as the males". There's no need to explain to the reader; it is quite clear.
OK, so great work on another hilarious entertaining chapter! The ending paragraph was just perfect, and I've really enjoyed this!
Good luck! I can't wait to read about the feminist goblin protest :D
Author's Response: Holy jeez!!! How did this review even FIT in the form? haha, thank you so, so, so much!
I would want to smack Edie in the head if she wasn't a feminist, I think--same of all of my OCs, hehe. ;) And I'm glad you appreciate the irony of somebody like Ward heading a women's magazine; I wanted to comment on people who get certain jobs just for the pay check and without any consideration as to what kind of ideas they are spreading or conveying. :)
That's a really interesting point about her interactions with other women. I hadn't even thought about it like that. Let's see, I am trying to think of the best, most PC way of responding to this, haha ;) I imagine that Mildred is really old-fashioned, as obviously she hasn't wanted to be any more than a secretary for her whole life. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with being one, but historically it's typically associated with women who answer to/work for men. And Rose being completely obsessed with boys and letting them rule her life is a bit anti-feminist, in my humblest of opinions :)
I took to note your comment about the transitions between narrative and flashback in the previous chapter, and I'll definitely do the same here. Editing is something I constantly do when writing a fic, and even when it's done... so this is something I definitely want to take a look in to. I appreciate you pointing it out; something felt a bit off from where I added extra paragraphs during different bouts of writing and they felt a little unconnected. Thanks so much for pointing out exactly how to fix this problem!
Thank you again, so very much!