Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:forsakenphoenix says:
Hi, so I'm here and I'm really excited to read and review this fic. I've been meaning to wander over to your author's page for a while now and having a review thread has certainly given me the opportunity.

This was a great opening chapter - and I must say that I'm glad it's not a one-shot, because I might have thrown something at your head for just leaving it like that.

I always admire anyone who can write an OC and write them well. You've introduced us to Jane and I think you did a fantastic job with her character so far. She's very complex - I feel like she's a strong character, she has to be to deal with everything they've had come at them in St. Mungo's, but at the same time, she's still young and vulnerable. Her fear and paranoia is palpable - your descriptions were great and I could feel her wariness about the shadows in the alley and double checking foods. Seeing people die and not being able to do anything to save them must be difficult and it certainly makes for cautious people, so I think you did a good job with that aspect of the war and ingratiating that with Jane's character.

I really enjoyed the brief glimpses at her past with Remus and her frustration with his hot-and-cold attitude. With that, I think you also stayed in-character with Remus and it sort of reminds me of his relationship with Tonks - at least in the beginning when he had all these arguments as to why he wasn't good enough for her. You can tell that he's still a young man, though, because he gives into his youthful impulses around a female he finds attractive, you know? Like, yes, he's cautious about his condition and he knows he isn't good enough for Jane, can't give her things he probably expects her to want, but it's not enough to prevent him from still seeking out her company. But I know if I was Jane, I would certainly be annoyed with his excuses and being concerned about his health and all that. So you really did a great job getting that frustration across to us readers.

I also really liked that you stayed close to canon with the identity checks. Remus seems annoyed with them, though, which makes me curious as to what could have happened to change his mind because he seemed pretty determined to use them during the second war.

I was waiting for her to figure out he was a werewolf but maybe that's just because I know the truth and Jane kept bringing up the fact that she was glad she wasn't on werewolf duty and Remus happened to be going on a "mission" for the Order and would be unable to spend time with her. I guess when you're in Jane's position, it's not really something you think about, especially concerning someone you've known since schooldays. I wonder what will happen when she does eventually find out (if she ever does).

You've certainly managed to lure your readers in and make them want to read more. I love the way you ended this chapter - giving us this glimpse into her mission from Dumbledore - with all these people dying and her tasked to figure out why. Now, we have to continue reading so we can solve the mystery along with Jane! It's a very effective tactic at garnering readers and you employed it skillfully.

Onto your concerns: I'm not sure if I necessarily find this first chapter creepy, per se. I felt Jane was more paranoid and on edge and that's the mood that I really felt come across while I was reading it. So I guess in that respect, I don't find it melodramatic or overdone, and perhaps I wish there was maybe a bit more of a creepiness factor. I can't say for sure since I want to continue reading to see if you get more into that feeling as the story goes on.

Overall, though, I think you have a wonderfully intriguing story on your hands. Jane, so far, is a strong, dynamic character and her relationship with Remus certainly adds to the complications of her life. The ending is full of suspense, so naturally, I want to continue reading to find out what happens next! I'm not sure if my comments were very helpful, but I hope I allayed some fears or concerns you may have had regarding the story. I'll let you know more about the creepiness factor when I check out the next chapter. :)

Author's Response: I am so sorry that I kept you waiting so long for your response - I let my unanswered reviews stack up way too much, and then I put off responding to yours because it was so detailed and I didn't just want to say 'thank you' because that didn't really feel like enough.

Without giving too much away, I do have something specific in mind for Remus's pretty dramatic shift in attitude (regarding the identity checks), and I'm really glad you picked up on that - I'm not sure many people did, but it's definitely important. (Of course, having said that, it's probably pretty obvious that *something* bad happens because of someone being a bit lax... but that was probably pretty obvious already.

Thank you so much for the review, even though it's taken me far too long to answer it. I'm glad Jane comes across as interesting and compelling as a character, especially since she's an OC so I can't just coast on Lily love. :P

What you said about OCs is really interesting to me. I personally love OCs, because I like having a lot of space to run with them. I get tense writing major canon characters, especially when the story is set around the time they appeared in the books, because I'm worried about keeping them in character. I admire people who can pull that off so much.

I do know what you mean about the creepy factor - I kind of wish there was more in here, too, so when I get the chance I'm going to go back and add more in.

Thank you again. This was incredibly helpful. *hug*


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 939
Submit Report: