Hey Sam! So, remember at some point in... oh, February you requested a review from me on this story? Well guess who's finally got to it? Yup, that would be slightly ashamed old me who hates to admit that it's taken her this long but it has... so my excuse is exams and general life taking it's effect. But, to make up for the four month delay I'm going to be going overly in depth and as constructively critical as I can possibly be. Like betaing in a way (just remembered I have loads of chapters of yours to beta; gosh, I'm terrible). OKAY.
So, the first sentence is so grabbing and ACK that I'm very excited by this whole thing (reading whilst reviewing, for the win). It was such a crisp clear line. One of those grabbing the reader by their hair and pulling them along sort of things. It's awesome :D
The crowd stared in stunned silence at his indifference to the fact he was going to die and his answer This line felt a tad awkward to me. I think it was the 'and his answer' bit at the and. Maybe 'at both his indifference...'
"Time to go," he said to no one and was gone before the officials could reach the street corner. This bit of dialogue should finish with a full stop. Also, I think it might work slightly better as two sentences? "Time to go." He said to no one. He was gone before the officials could reach the street corner. Just a thought! As always, feel free to ignore.
Just, another point, I think you should have highlighted his persona change a little more. The mental process of forgoing his slightly crazed, adventurer type attitude to a boy who needs help. The change felt too sudden, which is kind of good I suppose, but I thought it would be nicer to have more description behind the motivation behind the manipulation, if you see what I mean.
OKAY. Now, onto the fun stuff. You asked abut description, flow and characterisation.
So, starting with flow. I really liked the way you structured this with the small snippets which made everything feel really fast paced and urgent. It definitely suited your writing style to have it so concise and precise and spread out like that. I really liked it. It was all shiny and what not. As usual, your writing flows really quite well - but you should know that by now. You have a nice way of writing that makes readability both easy and pleasurably, which is quite a talent.
Description. Well, I think that you're writing style doesn't lend itself to vast amounts of description. Personally, I like a little more description about the depths of the characters and such, but as a first chapter you didn't really need much of that and it worked really well with the amount, and of course, the quality that you had.
Characterisation - well, I like Tristan Chase plenty. He has that attractive sort of you're-bad-but-you're-also-hot sort of air to him which I can tell is going to be really fabulous when this story gets going a lot more.
As a first chapter it was definitely entertaining and exciting and definitely leads me to wanting to read plenty more and such! Thanks for requesting and feel free to do so again if you want :)
Author's Response: Hey, Helen. So, wow. Sorry this has taken so long...
That first line was literally the basis for this story - I had no idea how I was going to start it (was he back in time? Was he with Roxanne? etc), but as I was thinking of this, I had this little vision of this happening to him and I had to use it. So, I'm glad it drew you in. :D
(Editing as I read) Thank you for pointing out those suggestions, I've gladly added them. :)
Thank you! That's an amazing compliment from you, Helen!
Description I'm still working on, even now, but it's something I'd like to think I'm getting better at.
I'm so glad you like Tristan - he's definitely all of what you said. He uses it all to his advantage. ;)
Thank you so much for leaving this review, Helen. It's really helped me!