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Review:CambAngst says:
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.

So my first suggestion -- and please take all of my suggestions for what they are: a sincere attempt to be helpful. You can take or leave my advice at your leisure -- is that I think it would have been nice if you could have thought of a way to deliver Molly's "name, rank and serial number" type information in the context of the story itself, rather than having her talk at the reader for the duration of your prologue. I appreciate that you have a need to get information into the reader's hands, but I feel like it will be more difficult to remember this later because I don't have any context to attach it to. For instance, rather than telling me Molly's middle name and her age, you could have put her in a scene where she needs to get out of bed and somebody is yelling, "Molly Evelyn Weasley, get up! You're 16 years old, for Merlin's sake! Take some responsibility!" In that way, you convey something about the character and also provide something memorable to go along with the information about her. Ditto for Percy's job, as another example. Rather than telling me that he has a very important job working for Kingsley, have him slump into the house after missing dinner, explaining that Kingsley has kept him in the office late to work on some important project. But anyway, that's my main suggestion.

So aside from the method of delivery, you've set up an interesting picture of Molly as a person and her family and friends. I think this is the first time I've ever seen Audrey cast as a muggle. It's an unusual pairing for Percy.

Another thing I noticed is that a lot of your sentences are very long. Several paragraphs seem to be one sentence with 4 or 5 clauses broken up by commas. These would read a lot better with some full stops added in. Sometimes it's a bit hard to follow what you're saying because the different parts just sort of run into one another. You also have some issues with capitalization.

I realize that all of this probably sounds rather harsh, and I do apologize for that. Here's the thing: When I see the beginning of a story that suffers from lots of structural and grammatical problems, my gut reaction is to think that you don't care very much. And that's obviously not the case. I don't think you would have bothered to write four more chapters if you didn't care. But that's how it looks to someone who's dropping into your story cold, and it's going to turn a lot of readers off. If you want to draw people in and attract an audience, job #1 is to make sure that your story is easy on the eyes. Believe it or not, that's a huge differentiator on this site because -- just between you and me -- an awful lot of what's posted here is really shoddy, haphazard and nearly unreadable. And I know you're better than that because we're both Gryffindors! Roar!

So I'm off to read your next chapter, but please think about what I've said, as well as what I read in CloakAuror9's review. You're here because you have a story you want to tell, and I'd love to see you make that story stand out and shine!

Author's Response: thank you for the review :)
I know there are issues like grammar and things (too many comma's) but I now have a beta so hopefully it should get sorted.
Thank you for the advice and CC
-potterfan310


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