HarryPotterFanfiction.com :: 80,000 Harry potter stories and podcasts

Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:	VioletBlade says: Hi Atellam! VioletBlade here with your dreadfully late re-request for Chapter 3! :) First, can I just point out that your chapter title made me laugh? Of course I can, I'm the reviewer! ;) Anyway, it did! I'm excited to see what it relates to in the story since I write the reviews as I read! Plot: I really like the development in character relationships in this chapter, Atallem! It's great to see the way Keira is interacting with other students, and how she stood up to Sirius! That part really made me laugh and it's good to introduce where he finally notices her for someone other than another bloke's (the wrong bloke at that) girlfriend! I also really liked when you gave us some background information on Mel and how her childhood had been growing up. It helps us bond with her as we sympathize for what she never had, and also brings the reality of the war going on in their midst to the forefront of the story as it has already affected a pretty major character. That to me is really important in a Marauder-Era story! And, with the intimidating eyebrows bit, I wasn't disappointed! Having McGonagall in there with her eyebrows was one of the best bits of the story to me, and I'd be scared of them eyebrows too if I was Keira! :P One of the holes I did see though was when they used magic to complete their detention. I do agree that Slughorn probably didn't care/notice that they used it, but surely it's monitered by the staff whenever magic is used in the castle by underaged students? And Henry! Aww, I can't help but get attached to him, even though I know it's ultimately going to be a Keira/Sirius story. Why do you do this to me?! Haha, only kidding, mostly. ;) Characterization: While I do think Keira grew as a character in this chapter, standing up for herself and her dignity in front of Black, I do think it would have been nice to have more background on her. I'm hoping to see it soon in future chapters! I think she's an interesting OC and that she has the potential to be really thought-provoking. Like I said earlier, I really like the background you did on Mel, and the way you described Slughorn was priceless. It really made me laugh! I also really like your attention to detail on the characters, always remembering to give the reader short insights into what the characters look like so we have an image to go off of, but not making the descriptions too long either. :) Grammar: I decide to point out everything I saw, which is a list, but I'd want someone to tell me if I'd requested a review, so that's what I'm going to do! "We bumped into Rae, Alice and Mel on the stairs between the common room and the dormitory, where they..." No comma needed here! "...snatching him out of the air, while the red head..." No comma needed here! "Rebecca laughed heartily, while I saw Mel giving..." No comma needed here either! "But it's true Lil." There should be a comma between 'true' and 'Lil'. "Rebecca almost fell backwards in her laughter this time..." I think to make this sentence more clear, it should be "Rebecca almost fell backwards from laughing this time." "I'm going to stock up on Licorice Wands," inquired Alice, suddenly worried. "They do have Licorice Wands, right?" Because she isn't asking a question with her first statement, the dialogue tag should be placed at the end of the second sentence since that's where she's asking the question. "The words escaped my lips as something solid collided with me at speed." You're missing a word here, maybe 'high'? "I am not a light." Technically, Nox is a spell to extinguish light... "Now, did you just?" I'm not entirely sure what this sentence is supposed to mean, honestly... "Blood Potter and bleeding Black, nearly squashed me!" No comma needed here, hun! "Jack had packed up their stuff and move him and his sister..." Should be 'moved'! "I should hopefully get everything else, its just Potion's I'm worried about." First it should be 'It's; and also, there shouldn't be an apostrophe in Potions. :) "Maybe on that Hogesmede trip Evans is planning? You can pick it up..." It's Hogsmeade, I believe! Also, the 'it' is not needed in this sentence. "...already exhausted from the amount of homework i'd complied." First, 'i'd' should be capitalized, and 'complied' should be 'compiled', I think. "... who was standing right in from of my chair." Should be 'front' here, dear! "... and his only with is to have..." I think you meant 'with' here dear! There you go! Sorry for the obnoxiously long review, but with a 6,000 word chapter, there's lots to comment on ;) Thanks so much for requesting from me, feel free to re-request any time! :) ~VioletBlade Author's Response: Runs and hides from grammar and spelling errors So sorry about that! I'll jump on is ASAP. D: I abuse commas (it's a bad habit i'm working on breaking...) so thanks for pointing all of that stuff out! I'm hoping to get more background into the next few chapters, more information about her parents and whatnot, so hopefully that'll help develop her character some more and work on that characterisation. :) I'm so glad that this chapter made you laugh. It was a filler, yes, but if it made you laugh, then hopefully it wasn't a boring filler, like so many are.. :S Your reviews are wonderful, and I just re-requested. (I cannot believe you cleared your queue that quickly!) Thank you, thank you, thank you for this. You've given me loads to think about :)
Your Name:
Reason for this Report:	Examples: The review is offensive. The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review). The review was double posted. The review has formatting problems.
Submit Report:

All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent. This is an unofficial, not for profit site, and is in no way connected with J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros. It is not endorsed by any of the aforementioned parties. Rights to characters and their images is neither claimed nor implied. The use of photographs and/or the likeness of any person contained herein does not imply endorsement of any kind. Any depictions were obtained through publically available sources and therefore fall under fair use. Although we may provide links to other websites, we are not responsible for any material at these sites. You acknowledge that you link to these other websites at your own risk. All original administrative content is copyright of the site owner and must not be copied in any form (electronic or otherwise) without the prior consent of the siteowner. ©2000-2012 Fanfictionworld.net

[terms of service] [report abuse] [privacy policy] [site credits]


	navigation home search HPFF read stories write stories login/register get help site links forums podcasts Terms of Service Site Rules contact us



	categories & genres Genre: - crossover - drama - fluff - general - horror/dark - humor - mystery - romance - action/adventure - angst - au - young adult Popular Pairings: - harry/ginny - ron/hermione - james/lily - draco/hermione - more... Format: - one-shot - short story - novella - novel - short story collection - songfic



	quick links my account ToS random story site rules help merchandise



	fanfictionworld.net