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Review:ShieldSnitch3 says:
Hey, it's ShieldSnitch3 from the forums finally here with your review! You said you wanted me to comment on pacing and flow, so let's get started!

I'm going to start with the flow. To be honest, this was a bit hard for me to assess because of the mechanics mistakes throughout the chapter. There were a lot of missing commas, run-on sentences, etc., which really distracts from the flow of the reading. Commas are probably the most important thing here, as they indicate to the reader when a pause should be taken in the sentence. This is /crucial/ in flow - commas can help to give an almost musical feel, a rhythm, if you will. As far as I could tell, the sentence structure was fairly varied, which is good - you don't want to have all short, simple sentences. It's important to mix it up between simple and complex, and you seemed to do a good job with that. Another thing that goes along with flow is the spacing between the paragraphs. I know the text editor on the site can be difficult, but it really helps the reader when you have a uniform amount of space. Also, the smaller the spaces, the better. The first section of the chapter seemed to be having problems with that more so than the second half, so that's something you'll want to fix up.

Now pace. You didn't take too long in the first section to get into the action, which was good - but after that first bit, the action kind of halted. I did like the transition from the gloom and doom of the first bit into the cheery atmosphere of the train, but I don't know - it didn't grab my attention as much. The introductions to the characters were good, but as the Sorting went on, I felt like the story was dragging. However, I understand that this is an introduction chapter, so we have to meet all of the characters and such.

Now I'd just like to take some time to make a few other comments. Let's start with the constructive criticisms. I won't lie, the opening scene confused me. I found myself re-reading it several times, trying to figure out what was going on. The thing that really got me was that I thought there was only one man in the house, but then suddenly, there were two:

"Avery" whispered the unmasked Death Eater "I'm not here for the child."

"We were instructed-"

"I know!" spat the man his eyes narrowed towards the woman "but seeing as the Prewetts aren't here-" he watched Elizabeth as she instructed Katherine to stay behind her.

"I say screw Lestrange" he pointed his wand at Elizabeth "get Greyback, let him take the kid."

That part really confused me. It was like the Death Eater suddenly multiplied. :O You may want to go back over the first section and work on clarifying it.

My second point is that Katherine hasn't been very well-defined as a character yet. But this could be your intention, as she's supposed to have a mysterious past, yeah? So this lack of information on her could be either a good thing or a bad thing - this being the first chapter, I don't know yet. As of now, though, she's a bit boring.

Now onto the positives! First of all, I adore your Charlie - we don't know very much about him from Canon, so it was nice to read him in this. He seems like a nice foil to Percy. :) Also, I thought your characterizations of Fred and George were spot on. You seem to have a knack for their playful banter - it wasn't over the top, but I could totally see them saying all of those little sarcastic lines. I especially liked the bit about the mirror. :D

I hope this review didn't sound too harsh, as I didn't mean it to be. If it helped, feel free to re-request in the forums. :)

Kay, BYE!

Author's Response: Hi *waves* You weren't harsh, it's through CC that we as writers become better.

I didn't catch those run-on sentences, I will go hunt those down *pulls out net*

I'll fix up that second part so it doesn't seem to drag on, maybe remove part of the sorting...

The banter between the Death Eaters, I kept having trouble rewriting that part. It's like when you know where you wanna go but you don't how to get there.

About your second point what I did with Katherine it was done on purpose. She's supposed to seem boring, I did it so the reader later on sees the difference from when she's elven, twelve, to fifteen and sixteen. I love writing Charlie :) I've always seen him as a cool older brother. I'm glad Fred and George seem to be in character *wipes off sweat* I felt like I might ruin them. :)

Thank you for such a detailed review I will re-request. :D


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