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Review:ShieldSnitch3 says:
Hola! Finally back for chapter three! Hooray!

Mmm. Okay. So you wanted me to touch on flow and pace here, yeah? I guess I'll start with the former. I honestly have very little that I can say about the flow. I mean, it's not something like mechanics that you can teach yourself how to do. You either have a natural talent for it or you don't. And you, love, have it. Like I said, not a lot to talk about here. I guess the only thing I would have to say is that I felt like there were kind of "blocks" throughout the chapter. Like, you would have a ton of dialogue and then discuss a backstory for a while. Does that make sense? I mean, it's not a bad thing to include backstories as they add to characterization, but I felt like it could have been a bit more integrated. Hopefully you understand what I mean :) And honestly, it's a flimsy attempt at being constructive on my part, because I can't really find much else to say.

Oh, wait. Never mind. I just thought of something. Okay, so I said above that I felt like it was very dialogue heavy at some places. I would suggest possibly summarizing some of the dialogue? Specifically in the first "section" of the chapter, with all the six and seventh year girls. You had so many characters, and it was a bit difficult to follow. But I do have to say that you're doing a fantastic job balancing all of the characters out. Characterization is not an easy thing, especially when you have so many OCs. So good job with that. Oh, and I really love the way you write Lily. I'm so happy to see a Marauder's Era that does her justice (well, justice in my mind). And Peter. I've probably mentioned this before, but I love you for not forgetting him. I could go off on a whole long section of praise for your characterization, but I shall refrain. ButreallyquicklyIhavetosaythatIloveyourJamestoo. Ahem.

The last thing I want to touch on in for flow is this sentence: "Jack Andrews was an amazing person, caring for his sister when he was at home, and trying his best to be there for her, even when he was away at school, though Mel had developed a special relationship with their house-elf, Polka, who had hated living with their cousin as much as Mel had, and had taken upon the role of raising Mel the way her parents would have wanted." This is really more to do with sentence structure, but this sentence just pulled me out of the story. It was really the /only/ sentence that did that, so don't worry about having any more like this in the chapter. It's just very long and run-on-y, and to be honest, I had to reread it several times to figure out what you were saying.

All right, on to pacing. So far, it seems good. You haven't really smacked us in the face with any huge crisis or anything, but there's enough going on to make me want to read more. (Henry!) That being said, I don't really see much of a plot yet. Since pace has to do with how fast the plot is unfolding, this is a slliiight problem. I'm hoping that there's some sort of conflict for our lovely protagonist in the future? That's really all I can say about pacing for now. It's good, but I would work on developing that plot.

Okay, so I hit on everything you wanted me to talk about. Now I have free rein! WOOT! I think I talked about this in my review for your first (?) chapter, but it's something I think needs to be reiterated. The details. There are wonderful physical details in this, such as how you describe all the characters and the setting. That's awesome, keep it up. And you are getting better at including character details, as in the little backstories, like Mel's. But I would like to see more emotion in the characters - their tone, their vocal inflections, facial expressions, etc., etc.

I'm nearly done now, I just wanted to leave you with my favorite bit from the chappie.

"James frowned toward the portrait hole, and Sirius - damnit.

'Face. Up here,' I said in a warning tone and Black snapped his vision away from my chest."

I don't know why, I just thought that was really funny :) I shall leave now. BYE!

Author's Response: Ahhh, i'm finally here to respond. I'm so sorry about the wait! Hooray for chapter 3!

I re-read the chapter and totally see what you mean about the 'blocks'. I'll try and work on that in the future, and go back and edit it here when I have a chance. I also totally get what you mean about that sentence. When it's taken out of the story like that, I wrinkled my nose at it too. I didn't notice before, but you're totally right. I'll edit that up too. :)

I'm so thrilled that you like the details. It's something i've been trying to work on, so hearing that they're working is fantastic. And i'll keep that in mind. I know my description still needs work, so thanks for pointing out what I need to focus on ^_^

And I liked that line too! I'm really happy that someone else enjoys my whacked sense of humour :P

Thanks for the review! I'm defiantly re-requesting. ^_^
- A.


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