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Review:charlottetrips says:
Ah, we have Lily on the football field. I was looking forward to this!

much [] important in football than they were in Quidditch - omitted [more], also “snitch” should be capitalized.

Annie is looking like to be a great person. Empathetic, not the type to get in one’s business if you don’t want but still caring enough. Although, at this point in the story, her life seems to revolve around football. But maybe that’s really just the truth of it, eh?

The longer, the better, and you got double points for sticking with them through hard times. - this is so true, of any sport. Even curling I’m sure!

I like that you have Lily not being close to ALL her family. Most NextGen portray the Weasley and Potters being super-BFFs all the time when this isn’t the truth of family. There are those you like as well as love and there are those that you are just around because you happen to share some blood. I don’t know if those authors realize it but there is such a thing as a “Mary Sue” family.

and once the sun started [go] down, it definitely got chilly - it’s either [going] or [to go], hm?

and pulled her over to one of the [part] benches. - [park]
“He was [] a few times when I was little,” she said softly, - missing “there”?

There’s a feeling I’ve had for a little bit in reading this story. The feeling is that I don’t quite understand why Lily ran away from her family. I mean I can kind of get it, better now with this exchange with Annie, but it’s still a little vague for me. I can see that she’s super worked up about it with the crying and all but the actual connection for me in her being so worried about her family to needing to be away from them is sporadic at best. I think what’s needed is a bit more segue between her family being into all these dangerous things and the feeling of her needing to not be there, not be a part of it. Because if I were that worried about my family, I’d stay there with them, try to help them through it and keep them alive as best as I can. Not sure if this makes sense.

Just to answer your little comment on your request, I don’t mind sticking with you throughout a novella! I enjoy reading your writing and I feel like I’m learning more about football and the like. Plus, you’ve given me a good mystery as to who Lily is supposed to end up with and also in seeing her get over this hill in her relationship with her family. Your flow and interactions between characters are very nicely handled and I don’t ever feel like I have to push through your story!

xChar

Author's Response: I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to answer this - I've been a bit stressed lately.

Thank you so much for your review - the little catches that you make are always super helpful, and I definitely know what you mean about understanding why Lily ran away. I think I understand it all in my head, and haven't fleshed it out enough for everyone else. I'll definitely try to do that through edits, as well as in coming chapters. :) Thank you!

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