Hm, well I'm not exactly sure what you want me to talk about, so I'm probably going to just write a rambly review as I read, kay? Usually my rambly reviews turn out to be helpful, though. We'll see how this turns out. It'll be like an adventure! Sorry, I'm a little bit hopped up on caffeine right now. Too much Pepsi!!
Anyway, 8000+ words! Holy crap, woman! Your chapters are all so long. Eh, I probably shouldn't be talking, though, seeing as my last one was 7000+... And you update so fast! Where do you find the time? You need to slow down so I can catch up on reading all of this!
Mm. Okay. First impressions. I like the banter between Gwen and Freddie, it seemed very natural and friend-like. BUT, I mentioned this in my last review, the dialogue tags are really distracting. I don't want to read I said then he said then I said then he said. It is okay if multiple people are talking, but when there's only two people, it REALLY takes away from the flow. That whole scene would have been a lot smoother if you didn't have all those. A few are fine, and I know you said that it bothers you when you don't have them, but trust me on this one. The majority need to go.
Aw, James is so cute in the morning! Come on, they're practically a couple already. Snuggling, making breakfast... I would never snuggle with my best guy friend. Ever. Besides, he's got a girlfriend. AWKWARD. I just have to say that I love all the little details about James in Gwen's thoughts that you add. You're constantly showing us how much she cares about him, and that's great. Exactly how you want to do it.
"The awkward quiet moment that could have been cut with a dull blade." That was a really clever line, I liked it!
So, Alex is the bad boy, huh? What is it with the name Alex... We're like brain twins! Actually, I don't know if he's a bad boy or not right now. He seems kind of... ambivalent, if you know what I mean. I can see why Gwen would be with him, that lust thing happens all the time in real life. But Alex is stupid. And James is stupid. And Gwen is stupid. :(
Seriously, though. That last scene was intense, wasn't it? I think you did a good job of writing it, Gwen's emotions came out very strongly. I can see her motivation, even if I don't agree with it. And good for her for standing up to James! She shouldn't let him walk all over him, even if she is in love with him. But to be honest, I'm not really liking him so much right now.
Haha, sorry. This didn't turn out to be much of a constructive review. Ah, well. Hopefully you still enjoyed it! I'm going to try and be helpful and say that there were a few grammar mistakes/typos that I noticed throughout the chapter. TONS better than a lot of the stories on here, but still noticeable. Also, sometimes you were using commas when there should be full stops. Like, when you have a piece of dialogue like this: "Stop it! You're too nice," she said. That should have a comma. But if it was something like this: "Stop it! You're too nice." A smile lit up her face as she gazed at him. If it's describing who's saying it, there should be a comma before the quotation is closed. If not and it's simply a descriptor, you need a full stop. And then the whole thing with dialogue tags like I mentioned above. I'm going to keep repeating it until it gets better because I want your writing to improve. I swear it will help.
Author's Response: Yey! Thank you so much for reviewing! I love rambling reviews, they are always the best and funniest there is (x
I have too much free time on my hands d: And I'm more excited about this story that I probably should. It's constantly filling my every thought and I keep planning the future scenes so when I start to write the chapters, it comes out really quickly ( And long! But luckily people don't seem to mind that (x )
About the dialogue tags, they have gotten better! After you said it, I've started to drop few of them! Not so many, but it's improving chapter by chapter! Just doesn't show yet, since at least this one was already written back then and I haven't had time to edit. So bare with me (x
Glad you like the details. That's exactly the image I'm trying to create, to show how much he means to her, so the readers would understand why she can't just snap her fingers and forget about her feelings immediately. And yeah, they are super close. I couldn't do that with my best guy friend either, but I have to friends who are exactly like that, but don't have any romantic going on. We're always teasing them about it, which amuses them but still, nothing has happened. It's really weird sometimes (x
And I know! The name Alex popped into my head immediately, when I started to plan this story. There's just something about the name... I chuckled at the same thing when I read your story (x
And yes, they're all so stupid d:
Glad you liked the last part. It was fun to write (x I don't agree with her decisions either, but it's all part of her character.
I'll try to read the chapter carefully with my next edit and pick out all the typos. And yes, I'm sure there are a lot of problems with the punctuation. That's never been my strong point, but I think that gets better after this chapter since I memorized the rules more at this point.
I loooved your review, and I'm going to go re-request right now (: hope you'll like the next one too d: