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Review:Chocolate_Frog says:
Hello! This is Chocolate_Frog from the forums with your requested review! ^^

I think you have a strong start here so far! (and yes, I was curious as to how your story was going. xD) One thing, though, is that having the prologue and chapter 1 in the same 'chapter' might be a bit confusing, and made this flow a bit choppily. I think you should just either make them into seperate chapters, or combine them into one chapter with some kind of seperation; it'd help the flow loads.

Ooooh, I like how things are starting off, already with a love triangle in the air. I'm interested to seeing how Hannah/Scorpius/Rose works out. Usually Rose doesn't get much competition in the Scorpius department (unless you count the 'dumb blonde bimbos' that Scorpius hooks up with to get Rose jealous so she can realized her feelings and they live happily ever after...) so this adds a very unique twist.

One error that I saw occur a lot was incorrect dialogue formatting. For example, in this sentence ("Yes." I said simply, trying to hid my smile.) there should be a comma instead of a period after the 'yes', since 'I said' is a dialogue tag. Also, I noticed at times you switched from 'mum' to 'mom' (My mom cried into my hair). I'm not British (American, actually), but if you were aiming for authencity by using 'mum', then remember consistency is key. :)

You characterization so far is pretty good, but I think a few more details here and there would make your characters pop out more and becom less flat. For example, Hannah--she seems interesting enough, but we want to know more about her background. How did she befriend Scorpius? How does she deal with her dad being a Quidditch star? Since she's an OC (techhnically, to an extent, they all are, but she's the main one) we need to know more about her personality so we can easily identify with her. Also, I'm interested in reading more about grown-up Oliver. Maybe squeeze in a few more details? Like, when George says that he should hide from Oliver, perhaps expand on that.

Overall, it was a great start. (By the way, I changed it a few months ago, so unfortunately I'm only reading one chapter at a time.) If you want, feel free to re-request! ^^

~Chocolate_Frog

Author's Response: Hi! thanks for reviewing! I just want to start off by saying thank you so much for suggesting this title! I don't think this story would be posted yet without you :D

The reason I put the Prologue and Chapter 1 together.. was that I felt they weren't strong enough to stand alone; that, and I didn't want the reader to think that Hannah 'going to Rome' was somehting that I had skipped over writing. I suppose if that makes sense. I see what you mean though, that it does make the story jump around a bit, thanks for pointing that out!

Love triangle... yes, it's there! I'm glad you pointed that out, I really wanted something different than the usual roseius, giving the view point from the 'other girl'.

Thank you for letting me know the dialogue stuff.. I'm hoping it will get better as the story continues, I finally got a word processor on my computer :)
My American is showing! Thanks for pointing that out, I try to stick with 'mum', but yeah, like you said, force of habit I suppose. Thanks so much! This review is fantastic help!

I agree with Hannah's character in this chapter.. she does get more of a background come chapter two. Those are all really great things to think about as I'm writing, so I really truly appreciate you giving me such a fantastic review! I'll keep an eye out on your review thread for openings, I'd love to hear more! Thanks again, all of this information and advice was brilliant!

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