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Review:Chocolate_Frog says:
Hello, this is Chocolate_Frog back for another review request! :)

Alright. First of all, you should settle down and get comfortable, because I have a bit of concrit to do. xD

One of the things the area of concerns you mentioned is plot, and I have to agree with you there. I'm going to tell you this dierectly, not to be mean but because I want to help you improve: Your story doesn't exactly have a plot right now. :/ Even if a story had flawless grammar, lovable characters and great ideas, if it had no plot it wouldn't be interesting at all. Think about what it would be like reading Harry Potter if Harry just sat around all day and stared into the common room fire. Boring, right? So what I would suggest is taking a moment to think about what you want to happen in your story--Is it an action/adventure story about the struggles of Quidditch? A love story with messy love triangles? A thrilling mystery about a kidnapped house-elf? (These are terrible, but you know, just examples here. xD) If you want to improve, you should think of adding conflict to create an interesting plotline for readers. :)

As for your characterization, I think you did a great job (I especially like how Mary is all serene and in her own bubble when it comes to art), but at times it can get a bit messy. Take Albus, for example: First you say he hates being captain, then we learn from Meth that he takes it very seriously... almost a paradox, don't you think? Maybe you could try mapping out your characters and writing down main qualities in a character bio for your reference--it'll help you keep track of your characters, so readers can, too. :)

I still stand by my previous suggestion of getting a Beta, as I still notice some minor mistakes that build up and greatly affect reader's understanding of the story.

I hope you don't think I was too harsh in this--you have great ideas in this, I think you just need a bit of reinforcement and editing to shape them into a great story. There's a lot of potential here,a nd I can't wait to see what you come up with! ^^

~Chocolate_Frog

Author's Response: Hello Chocolate_frog!

Don't worry. Ever since I started posting stories here in hpff I started adoring criticisms. So your reviews were too harsh or anything.

It's great that you like the characterization of Mary. She is definitely one of my favourite characters.

About Albus. Well, he didn't exactly mean that he hated being a captain. He was just frustrated. But I guess I could change his dialogue to make it more clear. Thanks for pointing that out.

I have no plot in my story right now. I totally understand how annoying this is for the readers. I have decided I will take some time before I post my third chapter. Hopefully, I will get my plot sorted out by then.

I agree that I need a Beta. I think I'll enlist for one today. But I don't think anyone will be interested. I think I will just keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

Thank you for another helpful review! It really means a lot. :)

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