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Review:Chocolate_Frog says:
Hello. This is Chocolate_Frog from the forums here with your requested review. :)

I think this story is just getting better by the moment. The way you organized the events was really clever. I could never understand what compelled Sev to say that awful word, and the way you told it explained it perfectly--the misunderstandings, the tension, the pseudo-sense of betrayal... Great job!

Your Lily seemed a bit OOC in the fact that she didn't feel outraged, or at least indignant, that Snape was using Legimency on her. I get the fact that she was trying to preserve what remained of their friendship, but it just didn't seem that believable. I liked how you made Lily feel guilty about her treatment of James, though, which paves the way for future events. (Like the apology! What a cruel way to leave off! xD)

James's and Sirius's section was hilarious (as usual!) It's always nice to read about Marauder interactions. I thought the part where they anticipated their OWL results was a bit off, though. Since usually the reader gets the reaction that James and Sirius are nonchalant with their studies and subjects cam pretty easily to them, I don't think they would fret that much. To make it more believable without changing too much, I would suggest making it seem as though they were exaggerating to each other to save face, while inside they were actually a bit nervous and insecure--if that makes any sense. Like, less of the 'I think I failed Arithmancy!' stuff and more 'I'll move to Durmstrang!' :)

And then there was Alice. She seems sweet and funny, yet spunky and reassuring: the big sister that you wished you had. I liked how you protrayed her and Lily's sisterly relationship, which contrasted nicely with Petunia, her real sister. Great job!

One thing that made the story sort of confusing to read was the formatting. The spacing was odd sometimes: at times it wasn’t double spaced, and at other times there would be huge blank spaces between sections. Also, you might want to isolate the main memory from the Legimensed ones to make it clearer. I think if you went over and edited a bit this chapter would flow much better.

Another thing you could fix on your next edit is the grammar. I didn't find too much, but a few here and there (e.g. the 'summer' in the first line doesn't have to be capitalized.)

Overall, it was a really enjoyable read, and I can't wait to see what you come up with for future chapters! ^^

~Chocolate_Frog

Author's Response: Hey K,
I'm really sorry about the delay in responding to this wonderful review! I know its very unfair I've just completely left this site out for a while cos my exams have been driving me insane. I'm pulled to my capacity! and it doesn't end till may! :(

But anyway I'm here now, so here goes. Firstly thank you for coming back to review that's grand of you! I really appreciate your input and I'm really glad you like where the story is heading.
Yes, Lily's a little less than dramatic about having her privacy invaded like that by Sev but it will be explained later. It's quite simple why she didn't react as hostile as most expect her to.
You'll see soon :)

Apology yes! Cruel cliffhanger, guilty as charged. Originally it was supposed to be part of the chapter then I realised the word count was a whopping 9000+ so I had to go back and break it into two chapters. Which I think was better and the cliffhanger sort of gives the readers something to look forward to...? maybe? :P

Yeah I completely agree with James and Sirius being a bit ooc with the OWLs so I've re edited the scene hopefully it flows better now!
Alice has so far been my favourite character to write :) I'm glad you liked her.

There are several things I want to fix to make the chapter better, some you have mentioned already. Unfortunately it'll have to wait till May when I get the time.

Anyways Thank you SO SO much for coming by and again I'm very very sorry for the long wait in responding. I hope you continue to enjoy the rest of the story! Thanks again.


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