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Review:BettyMaeStrange says:
I'll just start my saying that this is really wonderful!

You create a wonderful relationship between the two and I think the formatting is brilliant, with the whole idea of a script and the un-italicised text being almost like a narrative - very well done with that, it's very different from what I normally read, so I really enjoyed that.

Your descriptions are excellent, and you really paint the picture of the scene. I especially liked your description of Luna sitting beneath the window with the light streaming down on her - just the image of her sat there was completely 'Luna-ish'.

Your characterisation of Ollivander was wonderful, too, and I think his words and your description of him fitted him very well.

The only two things I will mention now is that I didn't think Luna's words fitted her as well. I know it's a very hard task slipping into the essence of a character that has already long existed, but I think you lost a bit of her dream-like quality and her essence when she spoke. Your depictions of her expressions and movements were perfect, but I think the dialogue of a character could be something for you to think about next time - the way they speak is just as important as what they say.

Grammar and spelling was spot-on as far as I could see, but, for example:

"Shhh," she placed two of her fingers to his cool, dry lips, "You're..."

Should be: "Shhh." She placed two of her fingers to his cool, dry lips. "You're..."

If someone has finished speaking and you are not describing the dialogue with something like 'he said' or 'she asked' then you don't put a comma, just a full stop, and there would only be a comma *before* opening quotation marks again if it would be something like this:

"Shhh," she said, placing two of her fingers to his cool, dry lips, "you're..."

So you see the sentence continues and the second bit of speech does not have a capital letter.

Gosh, I'm sorry if I've epically confused you here, I think I confused myself - perhaps just have a read over online at some of the rules of speech.

I hope this helps you and I think you've done a wonderful job over all in terms of describing their relationship and experience of imprisonment.

Well done! xxx

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review and for the critique! I wrote this rather quickly and never really did go through and edit it. I'm glad you enjoyed the one shot... it was a lot of fun to write.



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