Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:SeverusLove says:
Dear Violie (you know me, I love making up silly nicknames. x3),

Hey! It's SeverusLove from the forums for your review (FINALLY!). :3

The first snippet of the fic is the kind that tends to catch your interest. Not because it was catchy but because it was unique. I've never read much Lily or James/Lily fanfics before but the way you portrayed Lily was just so different... I've always thought of Lily as fiery, kind, and someone who was mad at James; but not mad like furious like you made her. I guess I never really dug very deep to her emotions and never considered how mad she was supposed to be.

I assume you weren't going for canon as this takes place after school when in the series, they got together during their last year at school. So I think the plot was unique. I wouldn't know for sure though, I haven't read "Amaranthine" yet. x3

In terms of spelling and grammar, I didn't find anything particularly major. Here are the ones I was able to pick up on though. And even these are only few. :3 :

"She was sick of the killing and the death and the blood lust that had consumed them all." - I think bloodlust is better off as one word but I also think I'm just being picky and both actually works just fine. :3

"The smallest of things, but those where what changed the world, the things that-" - I think you meant "were" instead of "where" here...? :3

"She knew too-well the sound that tirade," I'm not quite sure what you were trying to say here... >..< Maybe you meant "the sound (of) that tirade,"?

"Does the lady protest too much?" - I haven't read Hamlet, so I wouldn't know. But when I saw your author's note and this sentence, I was confused. Which one of them did you mean? Was one mistyped? Or is one just a revision of the other? As in this sentence you say "Does the (lady)..." while on your AN, you say "Does the (last)..." and I'm just confused. =_=" Also, this particular part threw me off a bit because it sounded like you were suddenly talking to the readers when you said "What was that?" I don't know though as I'm not sure about what you were trying to say.

With you flow and description, I don't find any particular problems. You were however, right when you said "my sentence structure tends to be odd". It is odd. You have a strange way with words. Not in an unclear, vague, eyebrow-raiser way, but in a different, mysterious, unique, eyebrow-raiser way. I think it's the type where you describe a bit poetically about everything and anything that seems not completely related, but not completely unrelated to the subject in question either. It's short and brief, only enough to capture the emotion or relay the point across before moving on to the next thing.

And I think that's a good thing. :3 It makes you stand out more as an author. And you don't make your sentences drag very long dully.

Your tone was consistent and the transitions were appropriate. Only little parts involving James seemed rushed.

""It got him killed!"

James leapt away and she scrambled to catch the cufflink before it fell between the floorboards." -- One minute he was very calm, and the next he was yelling in frustration. I would have loved to see what led him to that.

I would've also wanted to know what led him to not propose as much anymore? What had he really thought of Lily after she killed? Did he not -even just for a moment- feel disgusted?

But then again, this story is told from Lily's point of view so I understand how delving into James' head might ruin the consistency of the story. You managed to exert self-control on explaining James and leave us in a sort of wondering curiousity which makes us feel unsatisfied like the story lacks something, but at the same time, is perfect the way it is. Kudos for that!

"Then she had him. Her smile widened.

"Avada Kedavra!"

The smile fell away." -- this part also was very confusing about James' side as I don't understand what might have led him to cast that spell when nothing was in any particular risk; and you were clear about Lily having him where she wanted. Everything seemed in control, so what made him cast a serious spell on an unnecessary moment?

You wanted me to touch on your characterization more because as you said, you weren't very comfortable writing Lily...I can see that, lol.

As I mentioned earlier, I haven't read much Lily fics but from the little I know about her, I know that she's a fiery, strong, brave, and kind person who always stood up for what she believed in. The way you portrayed her was plausible and realistic; it was not canon-like but not unbelievable either. Besides, I think this Lily fits in better with your story. :3

The way you described her fall from innocence was beautiful and very real. I loved every part of it. My favourite sentence had to be: "We have to keep feeling the guilt, James. Only then do we know what side we're on." -- did you think that up? Huh? Did you see what you did there? It's GENIUS.

James on the other hand, was very good. I can see how he matured. I can see him - both the old him and the new him. You understood him well. :)) I would've loved to see a bit of mischief though as a hint to his old self; although I don't think that would fit in very well with the dark concept of this story.

So overall, if you put aside my nitpickiness. I think it was a beautiful and angsty piece and I loved every moment reading it. Thank you for requesting it. I hope you found my review at least a bit helpful.

See You Around the Forums, neh?
Sevvy
*bows*

Author's Response: Holy cow, this review! I've left it, as terrible as it is to admit, because I haven't known how to respond. It's not only long, but incredibly detailed, and that always makes me flail and squee and lose the power of speech. So I'll begin right away with a gigantic thank you for this - it's been a great help and I've made some edits to the story since, hopefully for the better. :)

The one main edit was to clear up that one killing curse scene because Lily's smile fades when she hears James saying the curse - she didn't expect that from him. It ruins his perfect image, but at the same time, it makes him more like her, flawed, fallen. But I hadn't made who said the words clear enough, and I've since fixed that.

I think I'll have to do more with that scene when James loses his temper. Part of the problem is the way that I've jumped through time a few months, and we don't see him slowly snapping; instead, we see the final break. I'm not sure what I should do with that part, but hopefully I'll think of something. It's going to be one of those stories that I just keep editing over and over again, I feel it. XD

Thank you very much for the grammar suggestions - I think I managed to get them all, especially since that first section was the one I edited the most (but I'll check back again just in case). It helps a lot to have another pair of eyes look it over, and non-requested reviewers never seen to mention those things.

I'm sorry that my discomfort with writing Lily showed, as I hoped I could get over it, but this is one of my first times writing her so closely - usually I write stories about her from the male perspective, so this is only the second time I haven't. Maybe one day I'll feel more comfortable writing her - practice makes perfect, right? :D

It's great that you liked that line about guilt - it just came to me one day, probably filtering through from another source that I can't remember, but it seemed so right for this story and the two characters here. It was the lesson they both had to learn, and I'm really glad that you liked it so much. ^_^

Your nitpickiness was fantastic and I really appreciate it! I'll definitely be requesting reviews from you again when my stories need a good going over. Thank you so much! :D


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 649
Submit Report: