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Review:Enitsirk says:
Good evening,

Personally, I abhor reading first-person POV stories because the people who write them generally either start at least 2/3 of their sentences with 'I' or they have multiples of it in at least 2/3 of them. Also, I think that first-person is too limiting to both the writer and the reader, for two reasons. One, the writer can only describe and talk about what the narrator sees, hears, feels, and says (i.e. - the narrator cannot tell us that he/she is blushing because he/she can't see it, but he/she can say that he/she felt his/her cheeks heat up). Two, the reader can only follow the one person and has to automatically believe what other people say because they can't actually tell what other people are thinking or their motives.

So I have some suggestions for you to help make this easier to read. I hope this helps, and I hope I'm not making you feel bad or anything. If I am, I'm sorry. >.<

1. Get rid of most of your 'I' words. There are other ways you can word it. For instance, you have a sentance that says "I'm imagining all the glory and fame, not to mention a thousand galleons prize money...". You could reword that to something along the lines of "The glory, the fame, the thousand galleons of prize money; all very good reasons for me to enter."


2. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but some of your paragraphs are indented and some aren't.


3. The 'dialogue' words (i.e. - said, yelled, told, asked, etc.) should ALL be past tense. As far as I know, there is not a single point of view in which they are present tense. Also, when doing dialogue, each piece should be separate. For instance:

"Someone's saying something right here," said So-And-So.

And then I went over there and did something.


4. I think you should deferentiate the narrator's thoughts from everything else. For instance, you can make each one it's own paragraph and italicize it. You could even put ', I thought.' after it.

5. You need to work on your detail. The human eye sees so much, and we don't with this story. I'm not saying tell me absolutely everything, but make us get a better feeling about where we are, what people look like, and what stuff looks like.

^.^

Author's Response: Great! Thanks so much for reviewing!

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