Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Mintleaf says:
Hi there!

Grammar/Readability:
'due to thehowler...' 'leadingto the Astronomy Tower' 'raced up those stairsout' 'go numb and lose' 'Black Lake and theso-still' 'whole months?Hadn’t she' 'nevergiven birth' 'heir of the Blackfamily' 'hervoice breaking' 'Lemme telly ou a story' 'Petunia hadnever' 'place.He had been' 'responsiblefor the' 'A man ofhis bloodline' 'didn’teven exist' 'Aren’tyou cold' ... I think someone has a wee bit of a spacing problem...

I think you need to also scatter a couple of commas about the place to make the reading smoother. And just as a general rule, it's usually best to spell out numbers under one hundred!

And in some cases remove commas, e.g. '...punishing him for a mistake, which wasn’t even...'

'Than why was he so hurt' than is not the right word there! Try then, but or yet, just to name a few replacements.

'at on epoint of time' at one point in time?

'He braced himself for company, when the company shocked him' again, when is not the right word here; yet or but work tenfold better.

Characterization:
Your characterization seems fine! :) I loved your description of Regulus as the spare heir!

Plot/Flow:
This was certainly a very interesting premise for a story! There were little things in the plot I'd like to tweak but I did enjoy the idea! I don't however see Orion getting angry over having a girl after already having two male heirs. After all, weren't Narcissa and Bellatrix just adored by their parents? I think that maybe it would have been better if he had got angry at something else, like maybe the child wasn't his or something? Anyway, I think this story has LOADS of potential and with a bit of fine tuning it could be really fantastic! :)

Author's Response: Actually When I copy pasted the whole thing into the site from word some of the spacing was automatically removed. I read through it twice and got rid of many spacing errors, so these must have slipped my attention. I'll get to it ASAP!

Actually here I'm showing the issue of female foeticide. I know it must be a bit difficult for you to understand as this doesn't happen much abroad but from where I come from this is very common and it happens usually in the "big families". So this is my way of combining my world and the magical world! :)


Thanks a lot for your review. I think I'm going to copy paste this into word and have a spellcheck and make the necessary changes.
Thanks again!

~CessZ

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Submit Report:  





All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent. This is an unofficial, not for profit site, and is in no way connected with J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros. It is not endorsed by any of the aforementioned parties. Rights to characters and their images is neither claimed nor implied. The use of photographs and/or the likeness of any person contained herein does not imply endorsement of any kind. Any depictions were obtained through publically available sources and therefore fall under fair use. Although we may provide links to other websites, we are not responsible for any material at these sites. You acknowledge that you link to these other websites at your own risk. All original administrative content is copyright of the site owner and must not be copied in any form (electronic or otherwise) without the prior consent of the siteowner. ©2000-2012 Fanfictionworld.net

[terms of service] [report abuse] [privacy policy] [site credits]
 
 

navigation

home

search HPFF
read stories
write stories
login/register
get help
site links
forums
podcasts
Terms of Service
Site Rules
contact us

  
 
 

categories & genres

Genre:
- crossover
- drama
- fluff
- general
- horror/dark
- humor
- mystery
- romance
- action/adventure
- angst
- au
- young adult

Popular Pairings:
- harry/ginny
- ron/hermione
- james/lily
- draco/hermione
- more...

Format:
- one-shot
- short story
- novella
- novel
- short story collection
- songfic

  
 
 

quick links

my account
ToS
random story
site rules
help
merchandise


  
 
 

fanfictionworld.net