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Review:timeturner says:
Sweet, lovely story. Your characterizations are strong (particularly Neville) and you have a good grasp of descriptive writing. I know you are bit worried about the depiction of his grief in the story and, while I didn't think it was contrived, I do think you could make it much stronger with very few changes.

If you take a look at the story as a whole, you open with some wonderfully evocative descriptions- both in the physical sense and in Neville's internal thoughts. In the middle of the story, however, you dispense with these and move into almost solid dialogue. For a reader, this makes things a little difficult in that (1) it takes awhile for you to learn exactly who the character is; and (2) the dialogue pushes the story so fast that the reader can become disjointed from the experience of the story. The second, of course, being where you are getting concerned about the depiction of the grief.

A super easy solution to this, without any additional writing, is to take some of the description you have at the beginning and move it to later in the story. For example, the line where Neville is confused over his emotions ("Hannah, Iím not sure if Iím alright") has no lead up to explain his emotional upheaval. However, by moving some of his earlier thoughts and placing them in between Hannah's comment about dinner and this statement by Neville, the reader will be brought back into Neville's thoughts and emotions rather than trying to understand the quick change in dialogue.

Wow. I went off on a super ramble didn't I? Sorry about that. :P You'll probably never want a review from me again! Please, take my suggestions for what they are - merely suggestions. The story is perfectly wonderful as is...a touching, heart warming moment between two people unsure of how exactly their grief should be dealt with. Very good work :)

Author's Response: oh my goodness, what a lovely review this is. :) It is truly wonderful to recieve a review with well thought out criticism in it.

I am very glad that my characterization of Neville was viewable through my oodles of description and such. I think that conveying the character is one of the most important elements of a story. :) I'm also glad that you think that I have a good handle on description.

Your suggestions are not a ramble at all... at least not a useless one. This advice is wonderfull. I have this same problem with mostly everything I write. I almost always set the scene with my description before hitting stride and getting on with the action of the chapter/story. Not only does this advice apply to this story, but my writing style in general. I'll truly take this to heart.

It's wonderful to hear that as a reader, you found this little one-shot to be what I intended it to be: a touching moment between two relatively un-explored characters.

Thank you again for this lovely review! (I will most certainly request again)
-witness


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