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Chapter 3: Regret
Lovely CI by hayley jade @ TDA
I woke up to the sound of my fiancé dressing in the dark of the bedroom in number 12 Grimmauld Place. I was sure it was still the night, since it felt like I had only just fallen asleep. Deep down, I hoped it would be the morning, so that I could finally tell him what I had been willing myself to tell him for days now.
“Wossa time?” I asked groggily. It really felt like I had been asleep for around 10 minutes.
“Midnight” came the reply. I had only been asleep for a few minutes.
“Why are you up?” I asked. I knew that this wouldn’t be good news.
“Voldemort has ambushed Harry. We need to go help.”
I immediately sat up. Sirius turned and pushed me back onto the bed. “You’ve had a long day. Get some rest, love” He said softly.
I thought over my options. I could say like ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m having your baby’. Instead of any of these options, for some reason, all I said was:
Sirius turned, and I could see in the glow of the orangey street light outside of the window, that he was smiling.
“Trust me, I always am.” he said, moving over to me and kissing me on the cheek.
Hours passed. The house was empty. Molly and Arthur had left for the Burrow, Anyone under the age of 17 was at Hogwarts, and Sirius and Remus were helping Harry. I usually liked it best when it was just Sirius, Remus and me in the house. It was quiet, and Sirius and I knew that Remus would avoid the fourth floor completely if he knew we were alone up there. Tonight, I missed the company. I missed the random cacophony of Order members scattered through the house. I began to wonder why I didn’t go with Sirius and Remus. I felt very awake now. I knew that I wouldn’t sleep until they both came home. Much to Sirius’ annoyance.
I busied myself with looking over the potential wedding dresses I could wear. I kept A Witches Wedding under the sofa, where it couldn’t be found. Even Molly wouldn’t dare to blindly stick her hand under a dark sofa in this house. Sirius and I had only been engaged for a few days and I could not wait to tell everyone, and on top of this, I also couldn’t wait to tell everyone, including Sirius, news of the pregnancy. But as soon as I delved into the world of traditional vs. modern weddings, I was brought back to reality.
Remus apparated into the front room. He was pale, and his eyes looked red. He looked even older than usual.
He sat me down on the sofa. I knew this wasn’t a good start. Any other traumatic event that Remus had to tell me about usually started like this.
“Zara” He said, his voice cracking with emotion, and oddly formal.
“I want to wait for Sirius before you tell me this.” I said looking eagerly behind my best friend. If it was bad news, Sirius could always help.
“No, Zara. Just listen. I’ve got a lot to tell you. At midnight tonight, we went to the Department of Mysteries at the ministry. Voldemort had convinced Harry that Sirius was being tortured. This was to gain a prophecy. Harry went to save Sirius, but he was not there. Voldemort and his death eaters tried to collect the prophecy that Harry had picked up, with regards to him and Voldemort- which he refused to give up. At this time, most of the Order arrived, and battled with the death eaters, making sure that Harry and his friends were safe, and the prophecy did not get into the hands of the Death Eaters.”
Remus paused, and took in a ragged breath. I knew what was coming, deep down in my heart, yet I was willing for it not to be said.
“At 12.30, Bellatrix Lestrange hit Sirius with what we think was a stunning curse. As a result, he passed through a veil between the living and the dead. Sirius is dead. There is no body.” Remus rehearsed sounding speech trailed off into a tiny almost inaudible voice.
He was gone. My Sirius. My love. My best friend. My fiancé. The father of my unborn child. Gone. Dead. History.
I struggled to process the information in my head.
Trust me, I always am…
The last thing I said to him was to be careful. Now he was gone. He would never know his own child. The child he never even knew he had.
Remus looked at me, expecting me to cry. I couldn’t, for some reason. I stood up.
“But…I’m pregnant.” I said, looking at Remus defiantly, as if that would bring him home.
Remus looked at me shocked, and pulled me into a hug. I couldn't cry- Sirius wouldn’t want me to cry. He wouldn’t want me to mope. Neither me nor Remus. He would want us to celebrate the good things in his life, not dwell on the bad.
I pulled away from Remus and explained this to him. He gave a weak smile, but still looked understandably gloomy. I looked around. Everything now reminded me of ...him.
It wasn’t that I wanted to forget him; it was just that the house was a place of oppression for him for so many years. I knew I had to get far away, just like Sirius wanted to. He wouldn’t want me and his child to feel trapped in this house. In fact, I was sure that he wouldn’t even want his child to see this place. For once in my life, I knew something for sure. I had to get away. But for now, I would sit on the sofa until morning, with Remus. No way was I going to sleep in that bed any more.
The next morning, the house was full of Order members, all giving me their condolences. Giving me awkward hugs and solemn looks. But no-one understood. Only Remus knew how I felt. I looked over my shoulder. I had just been almost strangled by Molly, and my shoulder was dripping wet with her tears. “I’m sorry, dear,” she said. “I should be supporting you, not the other way around.” I smiled down at the surprisingly short woman.
“It’s fine. Crying is the best thing to do… I’ve already done my crying” I lied, when Molly looked at me concerned. “He… he wouldn’t want me to be upset.” I said, quietly. I looked over at Remus. I was worried that he would need me. I was always the one supporting him, yet when I looked, I saw Tonks with him. They were equally upset. Then another thought hit me. Remus didn’t need me anymore; he and Tonks had each other. And I had this baby who needed me more. I would get away that night.
“Remus, could I talk to you, please, it’s urgent.”
Remus followed me into the now empty kitchen. I took in a deep breath and explained that I wanted to leave, and why.
“I need you” Remus said, looking at me.
I sighed. "You have Tonks. She loves you... And I’ve seen the way you look at her too," I added before he could cut in.
“I’ve just had enough tragedy to last me a lifetime, and I’m sure Sirius wouldn’t even want his baby to see this place.”
Remus smiled at me. “I understand.” He gave me a hug. “But let me come with you."
“No” I replied. I didn’t even know why I said it, but I knew I had to do this alone. Just me and the baby. I ran upstairs, to our bedroom, and felt a pang in the bottom of my stomach. Never again would Sirius and I be in that bed together. I could smell his strong aftershave in the air. I was determined not to cry.
I found a small bag, and put an undetectable extension charm on it. I grabbed a random amount of clothes. My toiletries, A few books, and two notes from Sirius- I love you Zara Newman and INNOCENT. I also absentmindedly picked up Sirius’ aftershave, and a pile of Galleons that I kept under the bed. It was an old Newman family superstition that a pile of galleons should be kept under the bed, for luck. I never asked my Dad why, but now I understood. I grabbed my wand, and made my way downstairs. The living room was just as full as it was before.
“I’m off” I called through the door. Remus rushed over, and made me promise I would keep in touch. I nodded and apparated to the first place I could think of. Paris. I had no idea why. It was just a place that Sirius and I decided we would visit one day.
I just knew that I had to give this child the life that Sirius never had.